Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 3, Episode 10 - Schluballybub - full transcript

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger, now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I have a pint of lager, please!

# And a pack of flakeys #

- Gaz, why do you keep going to the toilet?
- It's been a habit since birth.

No, today. Have you eaten something weird?

What? Like a fist?

No, I mean, have you got the squits?

I'm not discussing toilet habits.
I get that at work. The bathroom echoes.



Dad says it's haunting, like whale song.

- Why aren't you at work?
- Half day. Why aren't you?

Gaz, we've talked this through.
I'm a lazy gobshite.

Anyway, I'm going for a lash.

Is there porn in that toilet?

Yeah, 'cause when I have a wank,
I like to speak to you in the middle of it.

Does Jonny ever go through secretive patches?

Yeah, I suppose. He began burying
his own faeces in the yard for a short time.

Why? What's up? Is Gaz being closed off?

Well, sort of. It's like something's wrong,
but when I ask, he gets snippy.

"Snippy"? Who are you? Ernest Hemingway?

- Who's Ernest Hemingway?
- I don't know. I just wanted to offend you.

Well, what would you do?
Get it out of him with femi-talk torture?

- What's that?
- "Why don't we talk?"



"Can't we relate any more?"
"Shall we try for a baby?"

No. Probably not. But then I've completely
fallen out of love with Jonny recently.

You said you had a present. It wasn't
the cereal, was it? That was just stupid.

It wasn't the cereal. It's something
to make you grow mentally, not wheatily.

Mentally? Is it electric shock therapy?
I can't go through that again.

No, it's very gentle.
When did you have electric shock therapy?

I put my tongue on a battery.

Oh, God, the memories.
You've opened a barrier here.

- Do you want your present?
- Yes, please. I'll close my eyes.

- You don't have to.
- No, I like it. I have exceptional eyelids.

- I don't often get the chance to show them off.
- Fine.

Here we are.

Oh. Well... That's not very good, is it?

Listen, you have to look after this plant.

If you can keep it alive and looking perfect,
you can do anything.

Look, anyone can water a plant.
They don't die easily.

You'll learn responsibility
and you'll feel a deeper sense of love for nature.

- It'll be great.
- Fine. Give me the green thing.

Aren't you going to name it first?

I did name it. The Green Thing. It suits it.

- Gaz...
- Hang on. Just going to the toilet.

You don't just fall out of love.
It's not like falling out of... Belgium.

- I already did.
- When did it happen?

I don't know.
You know when you watch them secretly?

Yeah. Gaz is usually peeling himself.

When you do that and feel warm...
No, what's the word?

I know - schluballybub,
just here in your stomach.

Oh, yes. The great sanctity of schluballybub.

- Well, it left.
- What's there now?

I feel cold. And frightened.
He's this whole other person. He isn't me.

I could have told you that. Jonny isn't you.

And Bobby Ball isn't Shania Twain.
Isn't humanity fascinating?

No, I've agreed to marry him and die with him.

A suicide pact? When did you agree to that?

Jesus, I thought promising Gaz
I'd always be moist on a Wednesday was a biggy.

- I don't love him, Donna.
- You hate him? Resent him? Is that it?

- No. He's done nothing wrong.
- Try looking at Jonny, deep in his eye.

- I bet it'll come back.
- God, I'm scared.

- You're just nervous 'cause you're engaged.
- I don't get nervous, just angry and punchy.

And I'm not even angry, just... empty.

- Can he do puppetry?
- No. Why?

That's a shame. I'd fall in love
with anyone that can make a sock talk.

Tell me what's going on in that toilet.

Jonny, I have to tell someone.

Well, go on, then. Jesus!

- I'm composing meself!
- I'm getting bored!

The other day... The other day, I was er...

I was... I was just...

I found a lump.

What? No way.

I've been checking if it's fallen off or shrunk.

Gaz, this sort of thing, it won't fall off.

- What am I going to do?
- Go to the doctor. I bet it's a cyst.

- Yeah?
- Men of our age get it all the time.

- I know.
- But you've got to see your GP.

You've got to rule out testicular cancer.

- Only...
- I'll drag you there if I have to.

No, I'll go. It's just not on me testicle.
It's hanging out of my arse.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

- Hi.
- Louise, what's that?

- It's the Green Thing.
- The Green Thing?

Yep. That's its name. It's dying.

- Is there a reason I should care?
- It's a test.

David says if I don't keep it alive,
I'm not responsible.

- Do you love him, Louise?
- Jesus. Heavy!

- It's important.
- Love's not important.

It's a sideline in the pursuit of wifeism.

- What?
- Look at you and Jonny.

If you'd ignored love,
you'd have an ugly rich man.

And you could do something about your hair.

Oh, God. Look at the Green Thing.
It's dying by the second.

- You really care what David thinks?
- Of course. He's worth hanging on to.

Just like what you think about Jonny.

Don't tell anyone, but I've come down
with a rather nasty case of schluballybub.

OK. We'll get a medical dictionary
so we know what it is.

- I don't know what it looks like.
- Why not?

I'd have been squatting over a mirror
like a reflection of an elephant drinking water.

I didn't want to look.
What if it had turned black or had a face?

Look, we're here.
You'll have to look at it so we can diagnose you.

Would you look?

Stand behind you
while you're bent over, cheeks parted?

- I'd really like that.
- Just don't try anything funny like farting.

Or backing up.

Can't talk. Must see anus.

- Jonny, hold on.
- What?

- Come here. Let me look at you.
- What? Oh, no.

The starey thing. You and cattle,
you can't take your eyes off me.

Just look into my eyes.

- Janet, what's up? You've got a shiny eye.
- Come on.

- When I look at you this close...
- Yeah?

You turn into a cyclops.

- Look, kiss my forehead.
- Why? Have you got butter on it?

No, I used to like... I like it.

Oh, are you feeling insecure? Come here.
Do you think I don't love you any more, eh?

Are you all periody-weirdriody?

No, it's not that. We need to have a chat.

(GAZ) Jonny. I can't see anything!

- What?
- Every time I turn round, my bum follows me.

I'll get the medical dictionary. Get the
kaleidoscope. We can see it in Technicolor.

How's the Green Thing?

Actually, David, I think it would be
a really deep and beautiful thing if we -

me and the Green Thing - went
into the woods somewhere and I planted it,

somewhere really, really far away.

- You can't do that.
- Oh, I can.

You see, if you love something,
set it free, right?

Then it comes back
if it truly, truly belongs to you.

It'd be back, fronds wagging, before we knew it.

You can't just leave it alone in the woods. It'd die.

Yes. But at the same time,
we can't control nature. Maybe it wants to go.

In fact, I think I can hear it
when I polish its leaves -

"Louise, free me.
My pot makes my trunk look fat."

You're adorable, giving it a voice.

Come here. If you really want
to get rid of it, that's OK.

Thank God.

Just bring it tomorrow
to perform the sacred ritual of stamen

and the budular mantra of Venus.

Marijuana's rife in Australia, isn't it?

- Thanks for the lift, Mum.
- Pleasure, love. Is he home?

Dunno. I hope not, the way he's been acting.

How has he been acting?
Animal, vegetable or genital?

None of the above.
He's just in his own little world.

You know what that is, mid-life crisis.

- He's 24.
- Feed him lots of lard, take out a pension,

and you could be a rich lady.

- He's not going to die.
- Maybe he's lost his job.

- He still goes to work.
- Maybe he's just pretending.

Your dad did that at the Post Office.
He'd set off for his rounds,

posting anything through people's letter boxes.

- Oh.
- Mmm.

When we found him posting
bits of dead badger, we figured it out.

- You keep your eye on him, love.
- Bye, Mum.

Excuse me if I find looking at your crack difficult!

Just a peek! I'll pay you.

- Pay me?! What would that make me?
- What's going on?

Jonny won't examine me cancerous crevice.
I'd do his.

- Go on, then. Take a peek at mine.
- Don't be so gay.

See?

Janet, you wanted to be a nurse, didn't you?

You're not serious?!
I can't even look at your arse.

That's understandable. Mine's warped.
I'm sure Gaz's is very pretty.

- No way.
- Girls like that sort of thing.

Do they? Ask Donna.
I've got bigger things to think about.

- Bigger than his arse? I don't think so.
- Please, Janet.

If my mate's girlfriend won't look,
I doubt a doctor will.

All right. But I'm not touching it,
sniffing it or naming it, OK?

What can you see? Anything good?

I can honestly say no.

- Is there a lump?
- Yeah.

- Oh, God. I'm going to die!
- It could be nothing.

- What does it look like?
- Um... It kind of looks like C?line Dion.

- What is it?
- I'm looking!

Here we are. Yeah. You've got genital warts.

What?! How?!

I don't know. You picked them up somewhere.

It's on my arse. Only me
and Pataks madras paste have touched it.

- They can appear there first, it says.
- I need to talk to Jonny.

- It's Donna.
- What?

- You caught them off Donna.
- She's been cheating on me?

- She has not. Jonny, please.
- There's no other explanation.

I've never had 'em before.

She must have picked them up
off some... wart-toad-hog.

I'd better get back
before she dirty cows up the place.

I should scrub you till you bleed.

- I wanted to talk to you.
- Sounds serious.

- It is.
- Oh.

Serious as in graveyard way
or serious as in silly little woman way?

- Both.
- Can't we talk later?

Seeing all those medical dictionary diseases
made me horny.

- You up for a bit?
- Go on. That might work.

Gaz, are you all right?

You big dirty slag.

Is this about that yellow thing I coughed up
yesterday? I didn't know it'd float.

No.

I've got warts, Donna.

Genital warts. I found one.

Eurghhh! Well, can you go and stay with Jonny?

You gave 'em to me. You've got them.

I bloody haven't. You've seen my fanny.
Does it look like a cauliflower?

A bit.

- You better be joking.
- I'm not. So who was he, Donna?

Who? Oh, the genital wart fairy.
I think his name's Alan.

- Who's the bloke?
- What are you talking about?

- I've not cheated on you.
- You're so sweet.

- You've obviously got a bit on the side.
- Have I?

- You've had these warts checked by a doctor?
- In a way. Yeah.

Janet had a bit of a gander.

Right. So Janet diagnosed you,
so you think I've been shagging around?

Well, you have, you rancid vessel.

- Sod off, Gaz!
- You're not denying it.

You're just looking angry. Tell me, yes or no.

- I can't deny it. It's all true.
- What?

So far on my rounds of Runcorn,
I've contracted syphilis, gonorrhoea, crabs

and... yeah, something phlegmy
just came loose in my gusset.

You're saying it's true. I didn't believe it.
It's not like you need extra lovin'.

You know I said I worked in the bucket factory?

- Yeah?
- Well, the bucket factory's my nickname.

Did you sleep with someone else?

- This isn't right.
- What isn't?

Are you apologising for cheating?
Did you cheat?

I'll let you come back if you admit it. Just tell me.

I need to know. I really need to know.

- Gaz!
- Yes, Donna?

You shouldn't.

I don't think you understood the question!

Yes or no!

- Should I phone Gaz?
- God, no. Let him find you.

So is everything OK with you and Jonny?
I heard the bed squeaking.

No, that wasn't the bed. Jonny was dreaming
about seals. It makes him honk.

Maybe you should have sex,
to see if the spark's there.

Oh, we did, yesterday. But it was just sex.
It felt different. There was no laughter.

You laugh during sex?

Have you seen Jonny naked?

- So you still don't love him?
- I don't think so.

But I've got a plan now. I know what to do.

Ciao! Look at me!

I need a witness to this.

Die, evil plant! Evil green monster!

- Won't David be upset? What will you say?
- That all things considered,

at the end of the day, with my hand on my heart,
in the whole grand scheme of things,

it's a fucking plant!

Ciao!

There's always somebody
worse off than yourself.

Donna, have you cheated on Gaz?
Did you cheat to see if you really love him?

- What?
- Oh, I didn't say anything.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. I was just making sure.

Oh, did you use the designated toilet roll?

I don't have warts.
Jesus, do I have "slag" painted on my forehead?

Not since the mid-'90s.

Nobody trusts me. Not my best friend,
not my boyfriend. What have I done exactly?

Nothing... other than giving him warts.

- I don't have warts!
- OK, I think everyone knows.

Just stay and have a brew,
then we'll take you to the doctor's.

I've been thinking of developing a catchphrase.

I've thought long and hard about it,
and I want you to be the first to hear it.

I don't have warts!

- So?
- So what, David?

So, where's the Green Thing?

I killed it.

Dead, dead, dead, dead! I'm a murderer! Ha-ha!

Well done!

You did it, Louise.

What? I killed your plant.

No. I cut its roots off.
This was just a trust exercise.

- What?
- Yeah, all the other girls

either bought a new plant or painted it green.

One even said it travelled
into another dimension.

But you told the truth.
Congratulations, Louise. You passed.

(CLEARS THROAT)

You pretentious drongo!

You're missing the entire point.

No. I couldn't care less about the plant.

I wanted shoes. That's the reason I told you
the truth, not because I learned anything.

I'm immature and I like it.
Men like it too. You know what else?

I wish I'd burnt the thing.
I like burning things. Ha-ha-ha!

A completely edible Janet.

I've got piles!

- Well done, mate!
- The doctor were dead calm.

- She took one look and...
- She?

I thought I'd build a fantasy out of it.

So, piles, you tie string round 'em, don't you?

No. It was magical. I just bent over,
and she popped them back up again!

- You need to get some.
- You need to find Donna.

- I know where she'll be. Pint first.
- I'll get them.

This is a happy, happy day.

My best mate has got grapes in his arse!

- Donna?
- Oh, God.

David, you're the last person I need to see.

I don't need reminding of any age-old
one-night stands.

Hold on. Have you had warts?

No. Well, I had one on my hand once,
but I bit it out.

- What are you doing here?
- Argument with boyfriend.

Argument with girlfriend.

- What was yours about?
- He thinks I'm being unfaithful.

You are a goer. You slept with me quickly.

- That makes you a goer too.
- But that's a good thing.

- You know what we call men like you?
- No.

No, neither do we.
We still haven't thought of anything.

Louise killed my plant.

Well, gosh, if she killed my plant,
I would surely have to call the feds.

She doesn't respect me.
She's just kind of... Is it getting cold up here?

Are you referring to my erect nipples?

Maybe you need a drink?

- What?
- Not like that.

I've got a bottle of red at mine
and I thought you might like the company.

You don't have to
if it makes you uncomfortable.

I like how you say uncomfortable.

"Uncamftable". "Uncamftable".

- Why does everyone here do that?
- (AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) G'day, mate.

Wanna get some tinnies down at the uni?

- You carry on like that, I won't take you.
- Is it true there's more sheep than people?

- That's New Zealand.
- What's going on in "Neighbours"?

- You're ahead of us.
- I have no idea.

- Have you met Steve Irwin?
- Stop that.

(SOULFUL BALLAD)

# Lately I'm not who I used to be

# Someone's come and taken me
where I don't wanna go

# If I knew exactly what I have to do

# In order to be there for you
when you were feeling low

- Jonny, we need to have a chat.
- # And all the things we ever wanted

# Were once yours and mine

# Now I know we can revive it

# All the love we left

# Every time I kiss, I feel your lips

# Every time I cry, I see you smile

# And every time I close my eyes

# I realise

# That every time I hold your hand in mine

# The sweetest thing my heart could ever find

# And I have never felt this way

# Since the day I gave your love away

# We can survive it

# All the pain we feel inside

# You relied on me and now I've let you down

- # I've let you down
- # Now I'm gonna miss you forever

# I will be the best I can

# Now I know we can revive it

# All the love we left

# Every time I kiss, I feel your lips

# Every time I cry, I see you smile

# And every time I close my eyes

# I realise

# That every time I kiss

# Every time I cry

# Every time I close my eyes

# I realise

# That every time I hold your hand in mine

# The sweetest thing my heart could ever find

# And I have never felt this way

# Since the day I gave your love away #