Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 3, Episode 8 - Jammy Dodgers - full transcript

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger, now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I have a pint of lager, please!

# And a pack of flakeys #

Has anyone got any new sex tricks?

What for?
You haven't got bored of David already?

Oh, God, no. I've made him wait.

Tonight's the night he gets to enter
the sacred "passage del passion".

Is she talking about her fanny?



- You've been going out for over a month.
- So?

Just because you've never
had the self-confidence to wait five minutes.

It's nothing to do with self-confidence.
I'm just damn horny.

Damn, damn horny.
Jonny calls me his little Stringfellow.

Isn't that more to do
with that tampon you lost up there?

Eurghh! Donna!

- Hasn't David got frustrated?
- He must have done.

He keeps trying to start fights
over mechanistic versus conscious processes.

At least she's not talking
about her fanny any more.

You've had rows, then? Oh, dear.

- What?
- Me and Jonny don't row now. Not for ages.

- You used to argue.
- Yeah. Seems like a waste of time now.

He knows I'll win. I have the power of sulk.

- Doesn't that mean you don't care?
- And you're not interested in his new ideas.



Jonny doesn't have any new ideas.
They're all old ones about moving to a volcano.

When me and Gaz row, it brings us closer.

And I feel mentally challenged by David,
despite him being Australian.

We could argue,
but I don't like feeling sad and angry.

But the sex afterwards makes up for that.
You can really hurt them. It's great.

Ooh, sex. You've just reminded me.
Can I borrow a biro?

- Why?
- Well, I went too far with the waxing strips

and need to paint a few hairs back on.

We've only got blue pens.
He'll think they're veins.

You should argue with Jonny.
You're marrying him.

You really should practise
undermining him first.

You know...

- You know if you shaved a dog?
- Yeah?

Would it be blue?

It's just these lads
who've just got skinheads in the summer,

they've all got blue heads.

- What film?
- Oh, no, hold on. No, it was a dream.

But the rabbit was pink, not blue.

Dreaming something doesn't make it true.

That's Martin Luther King screwed, then.

Who?

The black guy who got shot. He wanted
black kids and white kids to hold hands.

Hmm. Sounds like my teacher in the infants.

None of the kids would hold hands with me.
I had ringworm for a very long time.

He wasn't like your teacher.
He was a revolutionary.

Perhaps the most
incredible prophet of our time.

- Been watching the History Channel?
- How else would I know?

- I was off my head at school.
- Why would you be watching that?

- Don't tell anyone else.
- I'll keep it quiet.

- What is it?
- Donna watches it.

Big woo. What's so bad about that?

She's getting dull.
She spends every night watching telly.

- Like me?
- And she does word puzzles all the time.

Yeah, like me. I often try and spell banana.

B-A-N-A-N...

A-N... A...

Jesus, Bananarama ruined my life!

I have to do something about her boringinity.

- Remember how violent she used to be?
- Vibrant.

No, violent.
The things she could do with a fish slice.

Well, I'd better get back before her bedtime.

- It's not nine yet.
- I know.

She'll cover herself in lavender
and go into a herbal coma if I'm not quick.

(CHANTS) Ommm...

Ommm...

Donna, we really need to talk.

Can't it wait? I'm trying to relax.
I just want a quiet night in. Ommm...

- That's all you ever want.
- No, I don't.

Sometimes I want a loud night in.
Remember "films with bang in the title" night?

Yeah. That was loud and bangy,
but it was "in".

- Inside?
- Exactly.

- You don't go out any more.
- I go to work, Janet's, my mum's.

Whoa, there, missy!
You're a social whirlwind.

I haven't been clubbing for a bit. So?
I like being with you.

Yeah. I like you being with me,
but not all the time. I'm not that nice.

- You've gotta go places without me.
- Why?

We can't talk about nights out any more.

"What did you do last night?"
"I was stood next to you." That's no fun.

What would you do? Wouldn't you be lonely?

No. I'd watch the Premiership
and get myself a curry.

And have that wank I've needed
ever since you moved in.

You've not had a wank since I moved in?

Well, only at work.

Oh, you're a real gentleman.

No, I just don't want you walking in on me.

Me self-inflicted orgasm face in't pretty.

- Isn't it the same as your sex orgasm face?
- No, that's for show.

This is my self-inflicted one.

That's disturbing.
So you want me to go out on my own?

Not completely on your own.
Have a good time with your mates.

Touch 'em. Tell me about it.

- Why are you that bothered?
- Because some guys take a beautiful girl

and hide them away
from the rest of the world.

And... Daddy, dear,
you know you're still number one.

Girls just want to have fun. That's why, Donna.

- You're so cute. I'll go out this week.
- If I have to see you pumice again...

- OK.
- Or hear you sing...

- I'm a great singer.
- (WAILS TUNELESSLY) # Loving you

# Is easy 'cause you're beautiful

# Do-do-do-do-ee-oo

# Ahhhhhhhh #

Look, I'm going out.
Now say I've got the voice of an angel.

You've got the voice of an angel...

...with a chest infection.

(CHATTERING VOICES ON TV)

I can never get to 20 without eating them all.

- Jammie Dodgers rule.
- Mmm.

It's different with Rich Tea. They're evil.

If God had rained Rich Tea, them in the Bible
would've been well more pissed off.

- I like Rich Tea.
- I bet you like bourbons as well.

- Yeah, why?
- They're a sneaky underhand biscuit, them.

They pretend to be proper chocolate,
then they hit you with Bournville badness.

- Jonny?
- Yeah?

Why don't we argue? Is it because
we don't love and respect each other any more,

so we may as well split up now?

Jesus Harry Christ.
I was expecting something biscuit-related!

We never disagree. We never argue.

I beg to differ. The Rich Tea debate
we just worked through was interesting.

- Shut up about biscuits.
- Now we're rowing.

We don't have proper arguments.
Screamy, kick-me-up-the-arse arguments.

- So? That's a good thing.
- It's not.

It means we don't care what the other one thinks.

- I always listen to you.
- What did I say when I came in?

You said, "Hiya, love."

- And then what?
- You asked me about Alfred the Great.

That wasn't me. That was on "Fifteen To One".

- What do you want to argue about?
- I don't know. Passionate things.

We'll have a row, then, if it makes you happy.

Oh, thanks, Jonny.

- Go on, then.
- You first.

Right. OK.

You... Er... You've always hated my mother.

I love your mum. She makes a lovely plum duff.

- Jesus, get with it.
- Sorry. I'll have a go.

Go on.

You...

...man!

Fantastic. You've got a way with words.

This isn't working. We need something proper.

All right. I know. Hold on a sec.

- What? I learned this on the streets.
- What? Canal Street?

- Why've you got a cup?
- Smash it.

This is your Jelly Babies mug.

Yeah. Go on, smash it.

I'll hate you, we'll argue, I'll storm out.
It'll be fabulous.

OK.

- Well?
- I feel really sad.

That was m-my favourite.

Tea tasted better somehow.

Aren't you angry?

I just feel a terrible sense of loss and regret.
It's awful, Janet.

Oh, babba, come here.
We'll get you a new one tomorrow.

And a packet of Jelly Babies as well.

- Bollocks. We really can't argue.
- (SOBS) My mug!

(INDIE MUSIC ON STEREO)

Janet? It's me.

I've been kidnapped.

No, by David.

No, I'm here of my own free will.
It's not that kind of kidnapping.

We've done it eight times so far.
He's scaring me.

He's in the shower, but that's only
because his pubes were getting matted.

It's not funny!

I'm tired and hungry.

If I ever have another orgasm, it'll be too soon.

- (DOOR OPENS)
- Oh, God! He's coming back!

Louise, I found a loofah.

Wanna go loof?

- You know when you and dad got together?
- Don't mention your father.

There's men under these sunbeds.

Perfect examples of manhood,
necks at least twice as thick as their heads.

Did you stay in much?
I stayed in more once you'd started to show,

but nobody paid me to dance on their face then,
so I was skint.

Gaz says I stay in too much.

- Do you?
- Only 'cause I'm just too tired after work.

Cocaine. That's the answer. I know someone
who can nick you some. Dentist.

- That's dangerous. And it's illegal.
- Dangerous? Is it?

That's why I can feel my heart
pumping through my eyeballs.

Right... Do you think Gaz is right?
How often do you go out?

I have a regular slot with a bouncer.

He has an infection
so the younger girls don't touch him.

- No, a proper night out.
- Twice, three times a week.

Great. My mum's social life is better than mine.

There's a booth free.

- Do you want to go first?
- I'm olivey, not walnutty.

You're out of fashion, love.
Look around. Orange is the future.

Why are you doing that?
Are you obsessive-compulsive?

No, I'm trying to irritate Jonny.

No one likes tea bags in the sink,
except those PG Tips monkeys.

I don't think tea bags
are Jonny's top priority on the hygiene front.

- So, tell me about last night.
- Oh, God!

I don't even want to think about it.
He's like a monster.

Is he into kinky stuff
like rubber and... leopards?

No, he isn't particularly kinky.
He's more... generous.

How? Does he buy you dinner?

He can't stop once he's started.

It isn't just the quantity either, it's the quality.

- If Jonny was that good I'd rent him out.
- You don't understand.

Unfortunately not, so explain it to me.

OK. You know when you have caviar
for the first time?

Mais oui! One can never have too much caviar,
as I was saying to Jonny over a Chianti.

- OK, you've not had it.
- Nuh (!)

The closest is when I ate that tadpole.

- Well, say there's a really sunny day.
- Yeah?

You think it's great,
go down to the beach and that.

We sit in the back yard
and wave at the albino kid across the road.

Well, if every day was sunny,
you'd get fed up of it.

Maybe. But we're talking about a bloke
who can't stop shagging. What's the problem?

He's too good in bed is what the problem is.
And I've got to see him again tonight.

- You think you have to do it all the time?
- Kind of.

- Fake a headache.
- He'll give me a neck massage,

and we know what that leads to.

- Say you've got cholera.
- He'll call the doctor,

- and we know what that leads to.
- No.

Sex! Probably.

Last night, I was dropping off afterwards,
and a car alarm went off.

He said, "Doesn't the sound
of a siren turn you on?" and started again.

- You could always say no.
- I was too tired to.

I just had to lie there having orgasms.

- So dull.
- If he's so lustful now,

it'll fizzle out sooner or later.

You just have to wait
and have great sex for a while.

Maybe. I suppose I could just learn off him.

Yeah, and you'll come away exhausted yet happy,

with a slightly easier passageway
for future children.

Here's Jonny. Shall I be irritating?

Just be yourself.

Hello. Hi, Louise. I heard about your boyfriend.

I did it three times in a week once.
We're all animals.

Thanks. That's really helpful.

- It smells nice and orangey in here.
- Yeah, look at the sofa.

Pot pourri. How exotic!

OK. Wait for it. Five, four, three, two, one...

- Janet?
- Yes!

What do you want, wanker?

You've made me Marmite butter!

You are gifted. Truly, truly gifted!

Oh, for God's sake. Jonny?

- Yeah?
- I threw out those lucky pants of yours.

- The ones that make Liverpool win.
- Oh, right.

Erm, annoying, isn't it?

It's all right. I've started pinning pictures
of Houllier to my crotch instead.

Jonny has issues, doesn't he?

- Janet?
- Yeah.

- The sink's full of tea bags.
- I know. This'll get him.

- Do you want me to peg them on the line?
- Eurghh!

You never heard that.

(THINKS) I wonder if the free ten minutes
of Playboy Channel's started.

(PASSIONATE GROANS ON TV)

God, where is she?

This is way past her bedtime.
I'll just look to make sure she's...

Hold on a minute,
I'm actually thinking in words.

Usually, it's just pictures of women.

(DOOR OPENS)

Ah, sod it.

(GAGS AND SPLUTTERS)

Ah, well, vomit. That's a bonus!

OK. Think drunk.

Oh!

So... about last night.

I was great, wasn't I?

Yes. Yes, you were.

Erm... David, I think that you should know

that I can see this as a learning experience,
the sex thing.

I'm enthusiastic, you know,

to indulge in the physical, spiritual
and mental side to human copulation.

I think we can both grow from this

and become exciting, enriched,
hugely erotic members of this world.

I want to experience
everything you have to teach me.

Don't you feel like that too?

Yeah. Great.

Night, then.

(GIGGLES)

- Did you have a good time?
- I love you! You're my best mate.

When you're drunk, you become an old man.

They said I couldn't do it, but I showed them.

I... split my atom doing it...
when I climbed that policeman.

Lovely. Let's get you into bed.
See, it's good to have a night out.

- You get such unusual breath.
- Do you wanna fight?

- Did you spill my pint?
- You need to eat. What do you fancy?

I'll have some fruit
and a glass of semi-skimmed...

Hold on. You're not drunk.

Ooh, I am! I've had many, many drinks!

No one wants milk when they're drunk.

- I is a large tomato!
- Stop it. I know you're lying.

I'm not. Watch me walk.

Oooohhh!

Ooohh!

No one walks like that when they're drunk,
unless they've got rickets.

You said you were gonna get drunk.
How could you?

- I'm sorry. It'll never happen again.
- Next time, you'll be off at the library

or jogging. Jogging!

- It just happened.
- I ask you to get pissed

and come home smelling of other women
and you couldn't manage that.

- My mother warned me about your type.
- Gaz, I can explain.

Go on, then. Explain yourself.
You've humiliated me.

I tried to go out. It was really loud,
and men were trying to get off with me.

I just wanted to come back
with a video and a Chinese.

But why? When you can go out
and have it large and bite the... pickle.

See, you're ageing me now. Pickles!

Because I really, really like it.
I still see my friends, Gaz.

- I like being with you more.
- Even Joanne with the nice baps?

Even her.

God. Well, all right.

- You understand?
- Yeah, I suppose.

But not every night. Sometimes
I'd like you not to be here, so I can worry.

- What?
- Well, I like worrying about you.

- It makes it better when I actually see you.
- Bless. That's romantic.

You just want more wank time, don't you?

Yeah.

- Shall I go out again now?
- Yeah.

(DAVID SNORES)

Did you just poke me?

I was asleep. I couldn't poke you in my sleep

unless I was having a dream
about a poking competition, which I was not.

What were you dreaming about?

Let me see. I was dreaming about a man

who one night gave a beautiful princess
a huge box of diamonds,

then the next night gave her
a carrier bag of cow spit.

What do you think it means?

Is this because
we didn't have sex last night?

Nerrr (!)

- I thought you'd be exhausted.
- I was.

But you can't perform like that the first night,
then become a vestal virgin.

- I wasn't planning to.
- Then why wouldn't you have sex with me?

I would've if it wasn't
for the friction burns on my cock.

- What do you mean?
- I worked bloody hard the other night.

If you want that two nights running,
you're ungrateful and possibly have no clitoris.

I thought that's what you wanted.
I thought it was an Australian thing.

I've seen "Round The Twist". You're all disturbed.

No, I only did it all night to impress you.

- So you don't always do that?
- God, no. Three, four times a week max.

- Scout's honour.
- That's perfect.

I have a spare four hours a week.

Hours?

I'm sorry, Louise. I just...

I just wanted you to think I was... a stud.

I think you'll find, as an Australian,
that the word is "spunk".

You wanted me to find you a "spunk".

- No, I really don't.
- (AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) Rack off!

Please be quiet now.

Bloody hell, Jonny.

"Janet, you've gone to bed.

"Don't clean up my tower.
I've achieved the... unachievable, 23 Dodgers.

- I heard the sound of tumbling biscuits!
- I'm really sorry.

- Me tower!
- I didn't mean to...

You've never appreciated
my architectural prowess!

- It was an accident.
- This was industrial sabotage!

- They're just biscuits!
- Just biscuits? This was a record.

Three words, Jonny - get a job.
Three words, Janet - get a... haircut.

- What?
- You ruin all me dreams!

Your dreams are stupid!

- Are we? Are we having a row?
- Yeah, bastard!

OK, bitch!

- Thinny man!
- Big titty girl!

- Brown hair!
- Hairy head!

- Let's do it on the Dodgers.
- You'll get jammy.

Miaow!

- We're having a list, Jonny.
- But everything's dead expensive.

- I think you'll find it's not.
- Where will people find a Hear'Say album?

If you want to meet women, get out there.

After work tonight, have a shower.
I'll show you how it's done.

This is KP. She's deaf.

(SLOWLY SHOUTS)
Are you all deaf with no ears?

- Practise on her. She looks desperate.
- Do you want to see me knob?