Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 3, Episode 7 - Fockin Mokky Bokka - full transcript

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger, now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I have a pint of lager, please!

# And a pack of flakeys #

So tired.

Oh, aye. Me too.

How long were we doing it for?

I don't know, but I'm completely numb.

Numb? You're lucky.
I feel like I've been sandblasted.



Let's just try and get some sleep
and see if everything works again in the morning.

- Gaz?
- Yeah?

What if we've worn ourselves out
and can never do it again?

- Then we'll get married.
- OK. Night.

(POUNDING MUSIC)

- What's going on?
- It's downstairs.

- Who are they? Is it the Terrahawks?
- It's some new family.

- They'll stop when their drugs wear off.
- How long is that?

Till Tuesday.

- Isn't there anything we can do?
- We can dress as monks and stand outside.

- Tell 'em to turn it in.
- No way. They're really rough-arsed.

Can't you just sleep through it?
I've been round there before.

- What did they say?
- He said, " Mocky! Mocky! Mocky!

"I got me babies 'ere, me!"



- Oh, my God. Where are they from?
- Possibly Mexico.

- Did they turn it down?
- I didn't actually ask them.

I was covered in saliva
and really needed a shower.

Then they don't know how thin the floors are.

No, they do. Watch.

(SCOUSE VOICE) Mock you, mocky mocky!

Jonny, you have to eat.

- What time is it?
- I'd make Shreddies,

but someone used them to mosaic the bathroom.

- What time is it?
- You nervous?

Yeah. It's my first job. What if no one likes me?

It's a DIY shop.
They're the friendliest places in the world.

It's Disney World with dado.

Who's Dado?
I don't know anything. I can't do it, Janet.

Come on. Get a move on.
I made you egg butties and a Penguin.

Oh, nobody takes a packed lunch.

Did you wash your hands after?

Janet, urine's the cleanest substance
in the world.

- Ooh, are you wearing clean underwear?
- Never. Why?

You might have an accident.

If I had an accident,
it wouldn't be clean any more anyway.

- You've got gunk on your face here.
- Urgh!

You want to impress your new boss.

- But your spit's 90 per cent tar.
- OK.

Look, just try and be good.
We need the money.

Set the video for "Through The Keyhole".

- I will.
- There's "As Time Goes By" at two.

- Don't tell me what happens.
- Daytime TV's changed you.

You're practically a woman. Go on.

Mum! I'm off.
Try to get dressed today if you can.

(SIGHS) Manic depressives are so lazy.

"Planning your funeral", "making a will"...

Oh, that's a coincidence.

"Stannah stairlift"? Damn you, Thora Hird!

(GASPS)

I must be getting old.

- Four o'clock in the morning.
- I know.

And then they start shagging.

You can't begrudge them that. It's his right.

Gaz. It's everyone's right to have sex,

not to go... (SCREECHES IN SCOUSE ACCENT)
"Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby!"

"Oh, ta. That was sound.
Let's have more coke!

"Baby, baby, baby, baby!"

I know. Why don't you make noises like that?

I don't want your eardrums bursting.

Don't worry about that.
Your thighs make pretty good mufflers.

Thank you. Gaz, go and talk to them again.

Once they know we work, they'll understand.

Or maybe they'll say,
"Mock off, you mockin bocker!"

Everybody's basically reasonable.
Just have a little faith.

- Fine. What time are you in?
- Ages yet. Good job. I need some sleep.

(ECHOING CHEESY MUSIC)

- What the hell is that?
- Thank God.

What? It's worse. I can't sleep through this.

No. This is the chill-out song.
Dana lulls them to sleep.

These people are mental-mad.

(SOBS) They have holes
where their brains should be,

and they live off vibrations,
like Beethoven and the Beach Boys.

And they never ever sleep, Gaz.
Never ever, never ever!

- I'll give you a lift to your mum's.
- Never sleep. Never sleep. Never sleep.

God. Dana's broken you.

(PA) Could Colin come down
to Building Materials, please?

Could Colin come down
to Building Materials, please?

Hiya.

- Oh, it's Julie, isn't it?
- I've got three kids, you know.

- I'm Jonny. I've just started.
- I know. I'm your supervisor, aren't I?

I've got three kids.

I don't particularly need to know
how slack your nastiness is.

I've had enough men mess me around
to know what's what. So don't try anything.

You seem to have lost control of your finger.

- I never lose control of anything, darlin'.
- What are you doing with your eye?

- Could you help me with this?
- Do you hate women?

No. I'm marrying one.

I was married. Bastard. Three kids, I've got.
I showed him. I went to college.

- What did you do?
- You're on first warning.

- What did I do?
- You tried to get off wi' me. Senior staff.

Julie, I don't find you attractive in the slightest.

Whatever. You obviously do find me attractive

because I attract losers,
and you're the biggest loser.

- I didn't do anything wrong.
- Are you speaking back to me?

I think it's pretty obvious I am.

Look, Jonny. I don't care what your name is...

You just said it, so you care a bit.

I've got power. Auntie Julie
can get people sacked just like that.

- And I could just resign.
- Oh, really?

Wouldn't little wifey-mifey be upsetty-wetty
without all the little penny-wennies?

Yeah, she'd be furious... wurious.

So, you'd better do as I say.

- Get a bucket.
- Hold on. I don't do cleaning.

No, sweetheart.
You're gonna sit in the window and wear it.

(MUMBLES) Baby...

Baby... Baby, baby, bab!

- What on earth is the matter with you?
- Oh, God!

I'm so tired. It's my neighbours.

They kept us awake all night. I didn't even
have time for my dream about Yarmouth.

Everybody's got terrible neighbours.

They're all either noisy, nosy or simply...

(YELLS)... ugly old witches
who won't just lie down and die!

Leave Mrs Burkett alone. She's 83.

Well, she keeps falling over
and talking about her ovaries.

Mum!

She won't hear.
She won't have her hearing aid in.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah. When she does,

I love to creep up behind her and whistle.

Really scares her, does that.

God, I've got to go to the bucket factory.
Hope I don't pass out in a bucket.

We've all done that. Buckets, gutters,
best man's lap - it's all the same.

- See you later.
- Hang on.

What are you going to do?

I don't know. These type of people probably
have thousands of scabby family members

all coming at you going, (SCOUSE ACCENT)
"Meer mocky bok chocky jock bock, mate."

Are you living above chickens?

I don't know what to do.

Think about it.
What do you usually get me for Christmas?

Alcohol. That's what you ask for.

- And what usually happens on Christmas Day?
- You pass out in the baking tray

and don't wake up till the 27th.

- Ah!
- Ah!

- (WHIMPERS)
- You're not getting old, Louise.

- But I got all these pamphlets.
- That's just junk mail.

What about the one for incontinence pants?
I think they've been watching me.

I sneeze through my bladder.

- You don't look old.
- Oh, you're such a dear.

Stop talking like my nan.

Don't disrespect your elders. Ee 'eck!

Hell's bells, buckets of blood,
me dogs are barking.

Why don't you do volunteer work
with the elderly? That'll help you.

It worked with my fear of naked women.

- I'm not doing volunteer work.
- But it'll help you feel better,

and you'll be doing something
for the community.

What have old people done for me?

They walk slowly in Asda
and smell of lavender wee.

I'm not hanging round with biddies. No.

If I want to get over this, I'll just Botox myself.

How does this look to you?

Hiya. How was it?

- How was what?
- Your first day.

- Did they make a fuss of you?
- You could say that.

Did they play tricks on you
and get up to mischief?

Yes. That's the word, mischief. My supervisor,
Julie, is a mischievous little imp.

She naughtily spat in my dinner.

She mischievously told customers
I was slightly retarded.

And the cheeky minx
dropped a roll of wallpaper on my spine.

Ha-bastard-bloody-ha!

That's what happens when you start.
You get teased.

- No, Janet. She's a bully.
- You're getting bullied by a girl?

- She's me supervisor.
- Oh, I see. That's terrible.

- Exactly.
- Well, next time,

pull her pigtails and tell the teacher.

- She's making my life hell.
- Men don't get bullied.

Children get bullied, women get harassed.
You get nothing.

She stuck a note on my back
saying "National Front".

That fishmonger in Regents Way
threw a cockle at me.

You're just making this up to avoid work.

- It's true. She hates men.
- I don't care if she hates... dumplings.

- We need the money.
- She's horrible. I can't go back there.

So where you gonna work? And don't say
the music business. Nobody likes opera-rap.

No, right. Right, listen...

(SINGS) # Ave Maria

(RAPS) # Sittin' in a tree-a,
drinkin' all me beer

# Damn cool funk-bitch Ave Maria, ai #

That song's why we can never go to funerals.

Get another job or go back.

- I'm not supporting us forever.
- But...

- But what?
- But...

To be honest, that's all I had. But.

But?

You'll benefit from confronting your problems
if you learn to accept and grow.

OK. Open your eyes.

- (SHRIEKS) They're old!
- Yes.

They've got big crinkly faces like cheese.

Don't let them lick me. Urgh!

You all right, Gaz?

No, Jonny. I've not slept.

Unless you count that hour
staring at a carburettor.

- You that tired?
- Yeah. It's them neighbours downstairs.

- Why? What are they doing?
- They're just so noisy.

Before Donna moved in,
I'd stick bread in my ears.

- What kind of bread?
- Mighty White.

Granary is just too bitty.
The acoustics are terrible.

Yeah. And it's not as tasty the morning after.

Donna's worse than me.
They don't even play her type of music,

like the Carpenters or Don McLean
or Nazi death metal.

Do you think they'd like opera-funk?

No. Nobody likes it, Jonny.

You've got a job now.
Forget "Freaky Ave Maria".

It's "Funky Ave Maria", actually.
And I might need to sell it.

What's up with the wallpaper shop? Even you
could do that. "Brown, sir? Peach, madam?"

Brown and peach aren't the only colours.
There's patterned and textured

- and symmetrical and easy-up...
- Leave your job now.

I can't talk interior design. It makes me
feel wrong inside. Wrong and afraid.

Gaz. Has anyone ever... bullied you at work?

Jonny, I work for me dad... so, yeah, obviously.

- What did you do?
- Well, Jonny, I resigned.

- Did you?
- Yes. That's why I work there.

- No, no. Honestly.
- Are you getting hassled or something?

Well, yeah. A bit. There's this woman.

- Brilliant.
- No, it's not brilliant. She's superior.

Ooh.

No, not in a dominant way. She's my supervisor.
And she's, well... bullying me.

What?!

Poor wickle Jonny.
Did she steal your ice cweam?

- That's what Janet said.
- She's right. Bullied by a girl,

that only happens
to the Paul McCartneys of this world.

Mm-hm.

Aah.

Uuurgh!

You need to overcome this irrational phobia
by facing your fears head on.

Look, David. I'm scared of getting old
and I'm scared of old people.

I see a pattern emerging.

I'll just pin my face back
and never see another old person. Easy.

I'll never watch Channel 4
in the afternoons again.

No. You can't get over this by avoidance.

You've got to do the exact opposite.

Oh, I see.
By becoming more childlike, you mean?

David, you're a genius.

- I'm telling you to grow.
- Yes. Grow into a child.

- That's what you're saying.
- You're not becoming a child.

Oh, OK. By becoming a baby,
I can never grow old. This is brilliant!

(CHILDISHLY) I want a dolly.

- Hiya.
- You got it, then.

Yep. I told the bakery
I was making brandy snaps without the snap.

Without the brandy. If they didn't have snap...

- Do you want it or not, grammar girl?
- I hope this works.

They're really scary.
You can't reason with them normally.

Jonny says that about his boss.
He's getting bullied.

- How is he getting bullied?
- I don't know.

Probably the same as me and you.

Rubbing up against you in the stock cupboard,
saying, "Room for a little 'un, sweetheart?"

I meant making you do overtime.
Jesus, Donna, you're on minimum wage. Leave.

I know I should,
but Mrs Dawson always apologises later.

Jonny needs to realise
everyone suffers in work. Everyone.

- Except those who sleep for a living.
- Who sleeps for a living?

There's... Oh, no. That was Jonny's old job.

Yeah, exactly. Sometimes I'd come home,
he'd still be in bed.

- Didn't that make you angry?
- Yeah, but...

I'd slip a Fruit and Nut between his buttocks.
He thought he had Crohn's disease.

Aargh!

- Sorry, did I frighten you?
- No, no...

Yeah, you scared me.

Jonny, look. Things have got off
to a bad start. Women's troubles, you see?

Oh. I had noticed you were a little bit tetchy.

Grrrrr!

Miaow.

You noticed? Oh, dearie, dearie me.

It's all right. We'll forget all about it.

I pride myself on knowing everything
about (WHISPERS) ladies' parts.

- You do?
- Yeah. Give me a marker.

I can draw a map of your Fallopians
on your abdomen.

Know all about women, do you?

Oh, yeah, I do. I paid attention in that class.

I'd heard we might see some pubes.

That class? Men are favoured
above women in education. Thatcher-child!

- What?
- You think you're better than me?

Go back to nice Julie.
She was just pre-menstrual. You're evil.

Typical. You think you know
how women feel pain. We bleed!

- And you still get paid more than me.
- Julie, you have issues.

If you went to some women's group with lesbians,
you could work through this.

Are you telling me what to do?
I could crush you, little boy.

Look, no job's worth this.
I'm gonna talk to the boss.

- I am your boss.
- No, the one who sits in the office eating.

Stand up for yourself.
Are you scared of real women?

Women who've had children?
Women who've suffered?

I don't think you've suffered,
other than falling out of the hormone tree.

Go on, then. Stand up for yourself, Jonneeee!

Don't say my name like that.

Mummy's boy. Come on.
Show me what you've got in there.

- If you insist.
- Come on!

(POUNDING MUSIC)

God!

Right. Brilliant.

- What's brilliant? Me?
- Just wait.

(DONNA) Sorry for disturbing you...
(MAN) Beckin noggon, yaahh binkar...

- It's about the noise...
- (WOMAN) Frek offya, gel.

- I've brought you something.
- (MAN) Brandeeee!

Sorry to disturb you.

(MAN) Yogo, mate.
Ye moggin soundya. Soree an dath.

- (WOMAN) Ta lah. Yozza badger.
- See you, then.

(DOOR SLAMS)

Well, it's safe to say
we won't be hearing from them again.

What did you do? Pasteurise them?

No, I was a rational adult.
I explained that we need sleep

and they were being a mite unfair.

- And they were OK with that?
- Yeah.

And I brought some brandy to bribe 'em.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

You gave them alcohol.

I bought them a present.
Why? They're quiet, aren't they?

(SHRILL SHOUTING VOICES
AND EASY-LISTENING MUSIC)

You understand how serious this is, Jonny?

Yeah. She's... a monster.

No, no, she's not a monster. That's unfair.

She's... She's a... She's a twat.

Look, Julie's caused us problems before
with male staff members.

- That's no excuse for hitting her, is it?
- No, it's not.

Fortunately for you, you punch like a woman.

Thank you.
So, luckily, I can give you one last chance.

Oh, thank God. My fianc?e, she'd be like...

As long as you have sexual intercourse with me.

What?

As long as you have sexual intercourse with me.

- (DOOR SHUTS)
- Hiya. How was work?

Did the naughty lady smack your bum-bum?

Please. I can get another job.
You don't understand how bad this has got.

I'm really am being harassed. And I tried
to be a man and smacked this bird one...

- What?
- Strangely, that just made everything worse.

Jonny, just stick it out for a few months,
then start looking for something new.

You can handle a bit of girly ribbing.

- Yeah. You're right.
- I know I'm right.

Sometimes people don't like you.
You have to deal with it.

- You understand?
- OK. I suppose I can manage.

- There you go.
- I've got to have sex with my boss tomorrow.

Maybe we should have
another look in "Jobs North-West", shall we?

(POUNDING MUSIC)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(MUSIC STARTS AGAIN)

- I'm calling the police.
- They won't come if you're stuck in a drain.

- When will they stop? When?!
- Never!

They've taken a cocktail of drugs
and your cheap brandy.

- We could scare them into stopping.
- How?

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

- Louise, it's a bad time.
- No time's bad when it's playtime!

- I've come to frolic.
- What do you want?

I want what every little girl wants.

I knew this day would come.
Come on. Who's first across my knee?

- Come on!
- Gaz!

- I want an ice cream.
- She's mental.

I'm being childlike
to make me youthful again. Whoo!

Oh! Whoa! She's malfunctioning.
Get her out. I've seen "Robocop".

Hold on a minute. Watch her.

She's frightening me with her dungarees.

Imagine spending all day on a drink and drugs
spree and then finding that on your doorstep.

Sounds like a perfect day to me.

We could really freak 'em out! We could
send 'em so mad that their brains would break.

Louise? I know somebody
just like you who wants to play.

Hooray! Do they have magic beans?

- I think it's safe to say they do.
- OK!

Just knock on their door
and do exactly what you just did for us.

OK!

(SQUEAKS EXCITEDLY)

(POUNDING MUSIC, LOUISE WAILING)

They tried to set fire to me.

Tonight's the night
he gets to enter the "passage del passion".

- You're ruining my dreams!
- Your dreams are stupid!

Donna, we really need to talk.

I feel really sad.

You just want more wank time.

- What do you want, wanker?
- This isn't an accident. It's sabotage!

- Why won't you have sex with me?
- It's the friction burns on my cock.