Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 3, Episode 6 - Dresses Dresses Dresses - full transcript

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger, now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I have a pint of lager, please!

# And a pack of flakeys #

What do you want to do today?

Oh, I don't know.
Maybe a country pub or garden centre.

Unless you had any plans?

Well, I was planning to scratch myself today.

Oh, OK. Let's do what we do every Saturday -
sit here scratching ourselves into a frenzy.



- OK. How about a walk?
- Brilliant.

Past the chemical plant
or maybe a gentle stroll through dog-shit alley?

- I was just suggesting.
- (RATTLING)

Mail! Mail!

The mail isn't exciting. It's bills and junk,
apart from when John Kettley wrote to us.

Aah, that was nice. Why did he write again?

Because I was sending him threatening letters.

Yeah, that was sweet. Oh, money!

- What?
- Me dad's sent money for the wedding dress.

- How much?
- I'm not telling you.

You'd go round checking what dress costs what
to find out what I'm wearing.

Yeah, that sounds just like something I'd do.

- That's my Saturday sorted.
- You buying me some chips?

No, I'm calling Donna and Louise
and going shopping!



- What am I going to do? Crochet?
- If you like.

Or meet for tea with Joan from the rambling club.

You're not a 60-year-old spinster.

I don't usually have to do Saturdays on me own.

You're always here with your nipples.

What?

We watch the scores come in on "Soccer
Saturday" and me and your nipples play games.

- My nipples weren't aware of this situation.
- Yes, they were.

There's the standing to attention game.
The girls are very partial to that.

The girls?
Yes, the girls - Nutella and Praline.

- Is that because they're so sweet?
- No, 'cause they taste like peanuts. Mmm!

Well, you'll have to play with your own today.

Mine are all hairy,
and practically inverted, to be honest.

Mmm. I shall name them Rasputin and Gran.

(NEW YORK ACCENT)
Wake up and smell the coffee!

- I was having the best dream.
- Was it about me and the Sugababes?

Then this stupid monkey came in and said,
"Wake up and smell the coffee."

- What you doing today?
- I thought I'd get my hair done

then buy some new nail polish.

You're a boring little thing, aren't you?

What have you got planned, Mr Fun?
An archaeological dig?

Is that the most exciting thing
you could think of?

Yes, it was. We could spend the day together.

- That might be fun. What do you want to do?
- Well, we could... go up a hill.

Excellent, or maybe we could just kill ourselves.

Well, you think of something.

Well. We could go to the pub,
then watch the footie scores come in,

then get a video and order a pizza.

I'd like that. Even the footie's OK
if there's beer there.

Oh, there will be beer aplenty.

- What about this morning?
- There's not much left. It's half eleven.

- Too early to drink beer?
- Well, it's a special occasion.

- What special occasion?
- Well, according to my calendar

I got in "Smash Hits",

today is... Meatloaf's birthday.

(GASPS) Then let us celebrate.

Meatloaf would wish us to celebrate naked.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello? Janet, yes.

Oh, my God! How much?

Brilliant. Yeah, all right. See you there.

- What?
- We're buying dresses, big fluffy dresses.

I think you're forgetting
"Happy birthday, dear Meatloaf".

- Dresses.
- But what about the nakedness?

- Dresses.
- I'll give you a choice, right?

Beer, nudity, moi - grrrr - or dresses.

Mmm... Dresses! Dresses! Dresses!

What is this?
Why do I have to wear a tracksuit?

I'm all loose and scruffy.
People will think I'm claiming benefits.

It's t'ai chi.
It creates balance and restores energy.

I come here every Saturday. It'll help you
balance out your frightening mental head.

But it's stupid. Look at them all
wonging their arms about. Unnnn!

Stop that. You look unbalanced.

Look, it works if you want to take control
of your life and reach supreme self-confidence.

- OK, but I'm not joining your cult.
- It's not a cult.

That's what the Britannia Music Club said.

Just relax, close your eyes,
put your arms by your side

and raise them
as you breathe in to a count of five.

Whoo!

You don't need to go "whoo".

Clear your mind of all damaging thoughts
and feel only love.

Oh, God. I can feel years
of prejudice and snobbery falling away.

I'm being filled with joy and freedom from fear.

That's great. Keep with it.
Keep going, like a river...

No, a donkey... No, no, definitely a river.

I feel weird, as if all material possessions
don't mean anything,

that all we need are each other.

Incredible! I've never seen someone grow
before my eyes like this.

I've got to go and tell Kiki and Justin.

(PHONE BEEPS)

Ooh! Dress shopping!

I'm bored. Can I have some money?

No. Go and see your mum.

I'd rather be bored on my own than bored
talking about my over-achieving brother.

- You don't have a brother.
- They made him up to make me work harder.

Is that why you wake up screaming "Stuart"?

No, that's for a totally different reason,
one that I don't want to talk about.

- Why don't you phone Gaz?
- He'll be with Donna.

- No, I'm with Donna today.
- Oh, yeah. "Dresses! Dresses! Dresses!"

The wedding dress
is the most important thing about marriage.

- More important than the rings?
- Yeah.

- More important than the vows?
- Definitely.

- More important than the groom?
- You're there to make up numbers.

How can you get excited
about something you wear once?

Uhhh! It's a dress. What's to understand?

You don't see me and Gaz jumping around going,
"Look at my fancy new pants!

"They cost a month's wages,
and I'm never wearing them again! Hooray!"

A month's wages for you
is whatever I give you to spend on sweets.

Well, Gaz wouldn't pay for something
that he could only use once.

What about
when he lost his virginity to Dirty Lil?

That wasn't a month's wages.
It was two cans of White Lightning.

If you pay a bomb for something, it needs
to be used until it breaks, like Gareth Gates.

That money is for the dress.
That's what I'm doing today.

Don't leave me. It's bad enough during the week,

but the weekend,
there's no Fern and Philip, no Lorraine.

- Who are these people?
- My weekday friends who live in the telly.

Janet, look at me. I'm a lost and lonely man.

I'm all alone in a sea of nothing

with, like, nothingness all round me,
like a big lonely tyre.

- Look. Here's 20 quid.
- Off you pop!

Gaz. Pub!

Dresses! Dresses! Dresses!

Pub! Pub! Pub! Pub!

- Frilly.
- Yeah. Er... slaggy.

Urgh! Manly.

Homophobic.

- Chocoholic.
- Yes!

- Let's stop saying words.
- Yeah. How much did your dad give you?

- ?500.
- (LOUISE GIGGLES)

Look at me!

Oh, wow! You look like a sweet.

- A sweet what?
- No, like a Campino or a truffle.

Better than that, a toilet roll cover.

- Thank you.
- That's a wedding dress.

We're in a wedding dress shop,
What do you expect? The Turin Shroud?

- But you're not getting married. I am.
- So?

- I should be the one trying on dresses.
- But I look so cute.

- Can I hold your train?
- Of course.

Donna, put that down now!

Well, why don't we all wear wedding dresses,
like those nuns who marry God?

Because it's my wedding. Mine.

And that's the dress I wanted. Take it off!

We could try them on, just to see
what we'd look like as brides of Christ.

No. You're supposed
to wear bridesmaids' dresses.

Horrible, bulgy, unflattering
bridesmaids' dresses. Give that one back.

- Don't you want us to look nice?
- I want you to look OK. Just not too OK.

Like when someone ugly has their hair done.

Why don't we try a dress on each for fun?
Then you can dress us like pig-women.

I'm not dressing like pig-woman.
She was my least favourite Spice Girl.

Well, you're not wearing that. Take it off.

No! Just a couple more minutes.
Let me hold a bouquet.

- Go on, Janet.
- No! Stop wearing my dress, Louise!

I can't help it. The dress loves me.

# Bah-rum-da-da

# Bah-rum-da-da

# Look at Louise
in the lovely, lovely dress #

- You have to sing at the wedding.
- Can I?

- Stop it.
- There's more.

# Check out the dress

# The dress is great

# I think I should try one on...
round about now #

- That isn't so good, Donna.
- Take it off!

- No way.
- Take it off!

- 'Ere, look at this.
- What?

Look. A miracle, here in Runcorn.

Free beer? Oh, my God. It's beautiful.

- How've you done that?
- Free beer.

Come on!

- Gaz!
- What? What's up? Is the landlord after us?

Yes, Gaz. Yeah, the landlord's after us,

so I thought I'd stop and let him catch up.

- What's the matter, then?
- It's bloody heavy!

- Have you never carried 40 pints?
- Only in my bladder.

- You take it now.
- I would but...

- What?
- Well, I've... I've broken my arm.

- Well, it's not broke...
- Use your other arm.

- No way!
- Why not?

This is the one I use
for pleasuring meself and others.

I'll coach you, eh? Come on.

Christ. I'm only taking it to the garage.

(DRILL SERGEANT STYLE) # Carrying beer's
what Jon does best, hoo! hoo!

# His keg's bigger than all the rest...

- You twat.
- # He may or may not be wearing a vest...

- Oh, my God.
- # And now I'm going to think of Jo Guest

# Jo Guest, one, two,
big breasts, three, four... #

You've ruined my wedding dress.

- It's my wedding dress.
- Take it off. She's looking at us.

When's she getting married?

She's not, you stupid woman. I am! I am!

Oh, yes. I can see that now.
Is she a bridesmaid?

Yeah. But she's playing dressing up
on my big day.

They always do. Look,
I think we can find something for her to do

while we try and find your dress.

Eurgh, they're not wearing tartan.
It doesn't even look good on shortbread.

No, but just let them complain about you
for a couple of hours,

and you can be free
to choose your perfect dress.

I think you're my guardian angel.

Yes. Yes, I think I am.

Donna, Louise,
I've found the perfect dress for you.

- Beautiful, isn't it?
- I didn't know you were Scottish.

Um... Well, Jonny is. Or his dad is.

He is Jonny McCloud of the Clan McCloud.

Yeah, that was "Highlander".

Anyway, it would be nice for him
to see his family's tartan on his wedding day.

- But there's only one dress.
- In that case, try this on.

Um... But this isn't tartan. We won't match.

No, no, that dress has been chosen
to represent Jonny's love of... green stuff.

- But, Janet...
- Yeah?

These dresses ming.

So the bride shouldn't have
exactly what she wants?

Of course, but we're gonna
look like guests at a clown wedding.

I'm hurt. Try those dresses on
and look in the mirror until you like them.

Oh, God! Come on, Donna.
You've seen what she's marrying.

You didn't think her choice in dresses
would be any better, did you?

Well, yours is stupider.

At least I won't look like Christmas cheese.

Well, at least I won't smell like
Christmas cheese. It's second-hand, that.

Oh, my God. Pit stains.
I'll look like a manicured leprechaun.

How much worse can it get?

Oh, when you've got them on,
we'll choose some bonnets.

- Perfect!
- Absolutely divine.

# I am going to drink some beer... #

- Shut it!
- # Hoo! Hoo!

# Then I'm going to drink some more #

That doesn't even rhyme.

It's true though. That's the important thing.

- Shall we open it?
- Got a hammer?

- Have you noticed where we are?
- Yes, Jon. Beer World!

Gaz, for God's sake. Look around you.

We have tools.

(CLANGING)

It's no use. It's defeated us.

No, it hasn't.

Give it up, Gaz.

- I'm having it, Jonny.
- What?

Come on, then! Eh? Come on!

Come on! You want it, do you?

- Gaz, leave it! It's won.
- No, it hasn't!

Let it go! It's over! It's over.

- But...
- I know. I know. I know.

Shh! Shh!

So close.

Such a beautiful thing, just beyond our reach,

like when we found
that dead dog in that tree.

- Hold on. What's that?
- What?

- That hole in the top?
- Yeah. I'm gonna try something.

That's no use.
You need a plug thing, otherwise it'd just...

Shit! Gaz, help me!

Stick your finger in it, Jon!
Look, you're wasting it!

Well, I feel like a complete twat, how are you?

Mine's actually growing in me now.

- Growing on you? You mean?
- No, it's definitely growing in me.

I never even knew she liked stuff like this.
What's her first dance going to be? "Agadoo"?

No, she'll choose something about Jonny.
"Johnny B Goode" or "Jilted John".

Ooh, that's clever.

Or "Jonny Put Your Shoes Back On,
You're Making Me Retch".

- I don't know that one.
- It's the one I hum whenever I see him.

Should we tell Janet we hate the dresses?

She's nearly broken me twice this year
merely by looking at me funny.

Looking at your what?

I'm saying that not only
would her feelings be hurt,

but she'll also give us pain like never before.

Oh, I don't know. There can't be much
more painful than Gaz's loofah.

- I like loofahs.
- Yeah, but his used to be alive.

I found out I'd been scrubbing
with some sort of rodent.

Listen, we need to get out of this.
Mine's really tight and itchy,

and yours... well, it truly skankifies you.

I know. We could change the price tags
on them so they're too expensive.

Mine can be ?500, yours can be ?300.

Why's mine cheaper?

Who's going to pay more than that
to look like a bagpipe?

I've got an idea.
Come back in the cubicle with me.

It worked. They've been so quiet and angry.

It always works. Unless they actually like them,
then your whole wedding is spoilt.

- What?
- Oh, who cares about bridesmaids?

They're just ugs to the Cinders, aren't they?

- You're the one people want to see.
- Yeah, you're right.

- What do you think?
- It's divine.

- You've said that about them all.
- They've all been divine.

Even the one with the jackboot?

That was Nazi chic. Divine.

- Do you think?
- It was so "O? est la piscine?"

Really? Wow!

- Well, I think this is my favourite so far.
- It's frighteningly you.

- What commission do you get?
- 40%.

I think I'd better ask my friends. Don, Louise!

That dress is just womanliness gone mad!

Are you sure you're not just coming on to me?

- You are stunning.
- Ah... I bet they're really upset in there.

They'll be devastated, divinely devastated.

They'll love the real dresses, though.

Oh, of course. It never fails.

They're coming. They're coming.

Janet, you need to see this.

This woman, that one there, her...
is trying to sell you shoddy merchandise.

What are you talking about?
We thought they were divine.

No, we loved them.
We looooved them... at first.

- Yeah, at first. Then we saw this.
- What have you done?

- And I found this.
- Oh, my God!

Exactly. We can't wear these shoddy goods.

- They weren't like that before.
- Oh, yeah? Prove it, bitch.

Well, there's the fact
that I know they weren't like that.

And there's also... hmm...
Oh, yes. There's the CCTV just up there.

Oh, my God. They weren't the real ones.
We were just getting you out of the way.

- That is so low.
- Look. We'll leave it. We'll just go home.

Excuse me. You know you have to pay for these
now they're ruined.

Oh, God. We'll end up wearing them after all.

Well, you are. I can't afford
another set of dresses.

- How much will it be?
- ?300 altogether.

Oh, thanks a lot. I've got ?200 for my dress,
and I'll have to match you two.

Oh, God, I'll be a cheesy leprechaun,
like Brian Dowling.

Was I talking to myself
or did I just ask for ?300?

Fine. Fine. I'll pay.

I'll shove it in, you catch what squirts out.

Don't say that in a male environment.

Do you want beer or a smack?

- Depends what you're going to smack me with.
- Just get the jug ready.

- Right. OK.
- Coming ready or not... What?!

- You're using sex language again.
- Just catch the run-off!

- Gaz!
- You've got a filthy mind.

- OK, I'm ready.
- Right. Go on.

- Yay! Go on!
- Yay!

Go on. That'll do. That'll do.

It's blue.

Whoa! Blue beer!

Maybe we've come across a secret formula.

- It's barrel wash, Gaz.
- No, it can't be.

It's a new type of beer, this.

- Drink it, then.
- All right. I will.

- It's absolutely delicious.
- Honest?

Is that beer?
They must put the brown in afterwards.

- It's barrel wash.
- I know. I thought we should die together.

- We probably need an antidote now.
- Pint, then?

...280, 300. And you're a fascist.

Thank you.

I've got ?200 left.
Have you got anything for that?

- Why, yes.
- Do you?

Although not many women can carry off
the "two bits of rag on a string" look.

We can't all be Christina Aguilera, can we?

- I feel really bad now.
- Why? We didn't do anything wrong.

Well, we made her give away the wedding money
and wrecked the dresses.

Oh, that? Well, I always say if it doesn't hurt me,
then it only makes me stronger.

We're really sorry, Janet.
I'd give you the money if I had it.

But I just can't be arsed.

- We ruined your day, didn't we?
- Yeah. I've only got 200 quid left.

- How much is the dress you wanted?
- 400. I've only got half of that.

- Are you talking about this dress?
- Yes. And now I can never ever afford it.

Oh! Hold on one darn second.
There's a rip in this dress.

- I know...
- Shut it.

- I can assure you, there isn't.
- Oh, yes, there is. Just here. Look.

Golly gosh! There is, isn't there?

You poor evil woman. You'll never sell it now.

I'll have to dye it purple
and give it to pushy bridesmaids.

- Unless you dropped the price.
- Halved the price.

- To 200 quid.
- I'd say 100.

- She's never gonna go...
- 150.

- 125.
- 130.

- Done.
- Hold on. It's got a massive gash.

How much would it cost to repair?

- Oh, about ?70.
- Done!

- Have I just been?
- Divine.

- Have you been for a wee?
- Yeah.

Mocky mocky mocky!

I want what every little girl wants.

I knew this day would come.
Come on. Who's first across me knee?

Baby, baby, baby, baby!

Luckily, I'm gonna give you one last chance.

She's me supervisor
and she's... well, she's bullying me.

As long as you
have sexual intercourse with me.