Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 3, Episode 5 - Hospikal - full transcript

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger, now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I have a pint of lager, please!

# And a pack of flakeys #

I don't want to get married tomorrow.

You have no choice, unless you wish
to be separated from your penis.

I'm speaking to your parents.

Brilliant! Do it naked with parsley up your arse.
That's how helpful that'd be.

I don't want you regretting anything.



I won't. They hate us. Great.

I might encourage it.
I'll tell them about our sex toys.

What sex toys?

You know, that egg box thingy with the teeth.

That's not a sex toy.
It's a crocodile. I saw it on "Art Attack".

- Then why do you keep trying to insert it?
- Look...

Janet, they've got to come round,
if only to help us remove that dress.

What's wrong with me dress?

Janet, it's a bit on the big side,
and it smells of fat lass.

- Is that what that is?
- Just let me have a word with them.

- They're probably feeling awful.
- Do you think?

- Yeah. They'll be scared they'll miss out.
- Maybe.

Right. I'll go round first thing.

You'll have to speak to them now.



But "Food And Drink's" on.
And I really like that Worrall Thompson bloke.

He's just like a big egg.

Please. Mum's out.
You've more chance tackling Dad on his own.

But your dad's scary.
Where's your mum anyway?

She's at her anal housewives' group.

Why can't you be more like her?

It's for people who are too anal.

Why can't you be more like her?

I've got this headache I can't shake off.

It might be a tumour or too much meat.

- We'll get you some aspirin inside.
- I'm stressed.

My so-called brother.
He hangs on to me like termites.

- (MUNCH, KNOCKING) Mr Wilkinson?
- Shh!

- It's him.
- How are we going to get in?

- We'll move to Cornwall.
- We just won't let him in.

No, Donna. He's like nature,
like in "Jurassic Park".

(MUNCH, KNOCKING) Mr Wilkinson?

Hello, Munch. What are you doing here?

I've come to say sorry. Where's Gaz?

He's just...

He's just nipped off to Cornwall.

Oh, I'll see him later.
Tell him I won't bother him any more.

I've thought about it. Me mum said
I'm not to hang around people too much.

OK. I'll tell him.

Night.

(MIAOWS)

(MIAOWS)

(GROWLS)

Rrrruff!

Come on, Jonny. Come on, son.
You can do this. Come on. You can do this.

Right. Mr Smith... chew my bum fat.

Oh, what do you want? It's late.

I know, sir, but Janet's really upset
about this whole thing and...

Listen, you, you little turd-watcher,

if you think I'd let someone like you...

But I love her, Mr Smith.
Look, I'm begging you. I'm on my knees.

What's going on, Pete, eh?
It's freezing in those stirrups.

Oh, Christ.

Listen, Jonny. This... This isn't what it looks like.

- Obviously.
- Listen to me, Jonny...

Mmm? Now, what was I saying?

Ah, yes. Peter...

Pete... Petey McPetey-pops...

What?

Would you give me the honour
of your daughter's hand in marriage?

# Here comes the bride

# The bride is me

# Me me me-me me me-me me me-me #

- (KNOCK AT DOOR)
- Hang on.

- Happy wedding day!
- I'm not getting married!

- You got rid of him? Where's the body?
- Have you thought of counselling?

- Do you think I'd be good at it?
- I'm having a proper wedding with hats.

But I baked a cake. You've got to get married.

Aah!

These are just a load
of mini marshmallows and... green pie.

It's an alternative wedding cake.

Seeing as your wedding turned into a Bryan
McFadden, the catering might as well follow.

Jonny's sorted it.
You and Donna can be bridesmaids again.

The only way I'm standing next to her
in a church is if she's horizontal in a box.

Even then I'd smudge her death make-up.

Come on, you've got to get along.

No. Not until she goes back in time
and unsleeps with David.

- You can't unsleep with people.
- You can. I've done it hundreds of times.

You just do pelvic floor exercises
until all is forgotten and your soul is cleansed.

- Please let me in on this conversation.
- Here's my hero.

- I was just bringing your breakfast.
- What am I having? Green pie. Nice one.

Talk to Donna. I'm planning a wedding.

- You want to plan upstairs with green pie.
- Yeah.

- Go on, then!
- Stop it!

Eurgh! Don't expect me to help you plan.

Hello! Oh, you're here.

Yes. Come to beg
for your bridesmaid's position back?

I came to see Janet.

(STEREO: "MR BOOMBASTIC" BY SHAGGY)

- What's that?
- That's their sex song.

Well, then. If Janet's doing dirt,
you can't see her, can you? Boyfriend stealer.

- How could I know you two'd get together?
- Psychic boyfriend stealer.

We're both bridesmaids, so let's get along.

- The wedding's off.
- What did you do?

I slept with Jonny. But it was ages ago,
so it must be fan-bloody-marvellous.

- Anyway, you came to apologise?
- To Janet, yes,

- to say I'd be her bridesmaid.
- You can't.

- Why not?
- Because I want to be bridesmaid,

and I'm very spoilt. Watch. (SQUEALS)

Well, we'll both be bridesmaids, eventually.

Oh-ho! No way. Not with you. Never.

- Janet! Has he finished yet?
- (JONNY) After "Oh Carolina".

Hello, garage. Gaz!
I brought us some jam for dinner time.

Ooh, sweets.

Urgh!

(CLATTER)

Oh, no.

Oh, God!

Yeah, ambulance.

I've made me brother suicidal.

He looks dead, with his eyes all in his head.

I don't think he's breathing.
A pulse? Hang on. Er...

He's definitely got no pulse.
Can you just come quickly? I'm only little.

- Hiya.
- Jesus! Don't do that.

I hate people sneaking up behind me
since that incident at the zoo.

Well, you shouldn't have worn that red bumbag.
You confused the baboons.

- Do you know what this is?
- It's a He-Man. It's an old toy.

Thank God.
I thought the little people were coming back.

- Really?
- What do you want, love?

Nothing. Just a chat.

- It's not true.
- What are you talking about?

That depends. What are you talking about?

No, you first. What's going on?

Janet's boyfriend.

You didn't? That's just disgusting.

No, no. Why? Do you think he likes me?

No. But what about Janet's boyfriend?

He saw me.

- He saw you?
- Yeah, he saw me.

You've been standing naked
at your window again?

No. And I only do that so the cars slow down.
I'm thinking of the local children.

- Mum...
- These speed bumps beat any policeman.

- What did Jonny see?
- He didn't mention anything?

- No, not a word. What's going on?
- Oh, well, crisis over.

# La-di-da-di-da #

So what were you worried about?

Well, I talked myself out of being
Janet's bridesmaid last night.

Why?

- I fell out with the other bridesmaid.
- Is she a moose?

- No, she's gorgeous.
- What did you do?

Well, I... slept with her boyfriend.

Is that all? I hate these petty little women.

- What would you do?
- Whenever I sleep with somebody's boyfriend,

I create a tragedy in my life
so they feel bad and forgive me.

- Like what?
- Well, your granny's been run over 15 times.

- You've had eight valve transplants.
- What kind of valves?

I don't know, really.
I just like saying "valve", so it stuck.

So if I say something terrible
has happened to me, Louise will forgive me?

- Exactly.
- Can I say you're dead?

Well, you're best off saying I'm dying.

Then I'll get some flowers too.

- OK.
- But make it something glamorous,

like... heroin addiction.

Or valvitis.

I don't want you to forgive me.
I've done nothing wrong.

You slept with one of my best friends.

That was ages ago. I wouldn't punish you.

You doodled my friend.

Doodled? Is that a northern thing?

You poor thing. Obviously, sleeping with
the lower classes has damaged your memory.

No, that's down to the amount
of bush I smoke. In more ways than one.

Look, all I want you to do
is never speak to Donna again,

and never look at her exceptional bottom.

This is stupid! It was one night, before I met you,

between two people
who felt a mutual sexual attraction.

You fancy her?! In a sex way?!

No, of course not. Well...

I did fancy her then, obviously.
She was... (MAKES EXPLOSION)

Oh! You love her!

Oh! (SOBS)

Tell me what you said to change his mind.

- No. Then you'd be as charming as me.
- So?

Well, you know what happens
when two charming people breed?

- Ah, Liza Minnelli.
- You see?

No, I mean, it's weird.

What can I say? He was a pulley in my hands.

- He was putty in your hands.
- No, definitely more like a pulley.

I pulled his heartstrings,
and his love curtain came up.

No, this is too strange.

Janet, stop being a pessimist. I whispered
a few truths and he did what we wanted.

Like in "The Horse Whisperer".
Except I'm the dad whisperer.

- You've got something on him.
- What?

You're blackmailing him.
Is he dodging his taxes?

Yes. I checked through all his books,
added up his gross against his net profit,

and, do you know what?
He's dodging his taxes.

- You've got something. Tell me.
- I can't.

- Aha. So you have got something?
- You can't know, though.

- You'll only get hurt.
- He's having an affair.

(LAUGHS PATRONISINGLY)

- Don't be silly.
- Why did you go? (LAUGHS)

- He's not having an affair.
- He's cheating on my mum!

- No, listen, I'll tell you.
- Go on.

I went round last night and knocked on the door...

- He answered.
- What happened? Who was she?

I asked him about us and...

- He wasn't alone. I'll kill him!
- No, no! He was. He was um...

- Who was it?
- No one. He was...

- What?
- He was dressed as a woman!

I'm sorry.

(MUNCH) "To who it may concern.
We are in hospickal.

"Mr Wilkinson may be dead as you read this.

"Loads of love and a million kisses, Munch."

Oh, shit.

He'll be embarrassed enough.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Was it one of Mum's dresses?

- No.
- Then it's nothing to be ashamed of.

- It's private.
- You know.

- That's why he's paying for the wedding.
- But it's perfectly natural.

Janet, if it was perfectly natural,
I'd be wearing a twinset.

It's a shameful little secret
no one need mention again,

like when you pooed in the baths
and blamed it on that pensioner.

No. He can't go through life like this.
He has to know it's OK.

- Look, look. Shall I talk to him?
- No way.

- He needs to know he's not a pervert.
- Well, he is, though.

- I mean, girls' pants?
- Jonny!

Look, let me do it. No girl
needs to see her father's unwaxed bikini line.

I'm going. I'll tell him
he needn't hide from society any more.

I might call him Mum.

- (PHONE RINGS)
- Leave it. We've got to help Dad.

(RINGS)

- Any change?
- Yeah, I had a gobful of his drip.

- It tastes like seawater.
- Have you phoned your dad?

Why? We make a great team.
We're the Munch Crew.

I don't want to be in the Munch Crew.
My mum's not in, Janet's not in.

(GROANS) Oh, man. My head.

- Where am I?
- You're awake, Gaz.

I'm in hospital.

Hey, are you all right?

- Why did you do it, Gaz?
- There's been an accident?

I saved your life. Go, Munch!

Let me do the talking, OK?

Why? He's my dad.
I should help him through his fetish.

I wonder how many times
that's been said in Runcorn.

- (DOORBELL CHIMES)
- Remember, he's in pain.

- Yeah, stirrups can chafe.
- What?

Oh, God. Look, I thought we made a deal.

Hello, Pete. Nice to see you in men's clothes.

What you talking about?

I'll kill you, Jonny. We had an agreement.

Look, just listen to Janet. And stop snarling.

Jesus, it's like "Brookside" in here.

Listen. I just want to say my piece.

- I'm sorry, love. I didn't mean to hurt you.
- You haven't.

Haven't I? But your mother...

Just listen. Janet understands.

I do, Dad. It's perfectly normal.

- Is it?
- For God's sake, just listen, Mr Corkhill.

I mean Smith.

Stop the "Brookie" references
or I'll stick a spanner in you.

Then will you bury me under the patio?

Stop it, Jonny.

Look, um... Dad,

I know that a lot of men need something
to liven things up occasionally.

- Have you told your mother?
- No, and I won't do. That's not my job.

- What do you mean?
- You should tell her.

I don't think she'd understand
the er... situation.

- Don't be embarrassed. Lots of men do it.
- You're not wrong.

And by telling mum,
maybe she could get involved.

- Well, I don't think...
- You don't know if you haven't asked.

Maybe sometime in the future.

Look, Dad. I understand.

- Do you?
- Don't hide it like a dirty little secret.

- But it is a dirty little secret.
- No, it's not.

You should be proud of what you are.

- You're being really understanding.
- That's why I'm your favourite pumpkin.

Course you are.

If I was doing it,
I'd definitely ask Janet along for the ride.

- What?
- Oh, come underwear shopping with me.

- What's going on?
- We'll be off.

- What are you talking about?
- Cross-dressing. We'll work through it.

- Don't worry. Your secret's safe with us.
- I'm not a cross-dresser!

- You won't catch me near a suzzy belt.
- Oh. Right. Well...

I must be mistaken. There must be
some other secret Janet doesn't know about.

Mmm... I wonder what that could be, then.

No. There's not.

No, there definitely isn't. Erm...

Janet... I am er...

I'm a builder by day...

- And...
- And by night?

By night, I'm... a woman.

And er... what do you call yourself?

- I call myself... Claire.
- Oh, Claire.

And do you tuck your undercarriage
between your legs like in "Silence Of The Lambs"

- and dance around to Kylie?
- Don't push it!

Look, you don't have to pay for the wedding.

- Unless you want to... Dad.
- You little...

Don't blame him. I made him tell me.

And for the record,
you looked beautiful in chiffon, jelly tot.

- We won't tell. Promise.
- I'm paying.

- What?
- Janet, I want to pay for your wedding.

I want to give you away
and pay for everything. OK?

- OK, Jonny?
- Yes, darling.

Thank you, Dad!

Oh, don't wear a white dress.
Totally upstage me, you would.

Just don't tell your mother, all right?

Or anyone in the Traveller's Rest.
Or the darts team. Or the builder's yard.

Or in the close. We won't tell the Jordaches, la.

OK, Dad. This can be your surprise for everyone.

Aah. I love you, you big pervert!

They pumped your stomach.
I'm a hero. Super-Munch!

- Why would they pump my stomach?
- You overdosed. You could have died.

- I got pissed.
- But I found the pills.

If you found them, they weren't inside me.

I didn't think of that.

- You didn't overdose?
- Why would I?

- Because I make you feel so sad.
- Jesus Christ. Ego!

I'm going home. Move.

- Why am I naked?
- The nurses wanted to see your winkie.

Stop telling women I'm out of proportion.

- So you're totally fine?
- I just got drunk at the garage.

- Couldn't you pretend to be ill for a bit?
- Why?

Donna, it's so sad. Will he die?

Well, it's touch and go.

And I've been so horrible to you.

(TEARFULLY) I know. You're such a cow.

Just because you slept with David.
And now you've been punished.

I know. I know.

Oh, my God. I'm there for you.
I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?

Well, the stress of this whole David situation.

- Of course.
- I think it's affecting Gaz.

They say
he's developed a catarrh of... the bolus.

We'll just forget about it.
I'll never mention it again.

Really?

I was just being childish and selfish.

- Well, let's all go home, then.
- Thank God. I'm dying for a pint.

I'm a miracle worker!

You'll both be bridesmaids?
Louise, thank you so much.

And Gaz is OK? Yeah?
Great. Yeah, all right. See you later.

(STEREO: "MR BOOMBASTIC" BY SHAGGY)

My lord, a more beautiful creature
I never did see.

Why, I must have her.
Fair maiden, may I have this dance?

- Janet? I have to take this off.
- But you look so pretty.

But I'm getting really turned on,
and it scares me.

I don't usually do Saturdays on me own.
You're always here. With your nipples.

That dress is just womanliness gone mad!

Moi - grrr - or dresses.

I feel like a complete twat.

Take it off!