Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 3, Episode 4 - Beastiality - full transcript

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger, now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I have a pint of lager, please!

# And a pack of flakeys #

- What's he doing here?
- Don't mind me.

I'm very broad-minded. I even like cabbages.

Sorry, I wouldn't have
brought him back if I'd known...

and that you'd be dressed like...

I've got a bonk-on now!



Yeah. Me too. We're just that close.

- You go now.
- But, sir, I'll miss some nuddiness.

This is embarrassing. Munch, leave us alone.

- But my chips'll get cold.
- Munch, leave.

God, you're more irritating
than a septic testicle.

OK. I'll go. But, miss,
I just want to say, you're dead beautiful.

You needn't be bothered about anything
I might have seen because you're lovely,

and you have a sensual element... like a kettle.

Go, Munch!

Gaz, we can't let him leave
with cold chips. Munch!

Stick the oven on. Warm your chips up first.

You're beautiful
on the inside as well, like a Crunchie.

Listen to you.
Let's dig you out some ketchup as well.

Whoa! Whoa! Stop touching her.



I think you're crunchy too, you know?

Look, just because your parents say we can't
get married doesn't mean we shouldn't, yeah?

Remember when you said I couldn't eat
that pound of salt, eh? What did I do?

You nearly died.

Yes. Yes, I did.

But they've got all the money.

I've got an idea. Develop cancer.
That'll make them support you.

They won't fall for that. They're from Toxteth.

They laugh at dying dogs
on "Vets In Practice".

Well, it looks like we can't get married.
Damn. What's on telly tonight?

Jonny. We are getting married.
They just won't be invited.

- We don't need a church or a buffet.
- We don't?

You've been talking about Jonny-shaped
carrot sticks. I was looking forward to that.

I'll do the buffet and get a second-hand dress.

- Hold on, haven't you already got a dress?
- No, I haven't.

- What's the white thing in the cleaning bag?
- That's my baker's overcoat.

They can stay at home
chortling at gerbils with gangrene.

It's nice to have lunch together.

Yeah. But we can go somewhere else, though.

Oh, no. I mean,
I usually avoid carbohydrates at all costs,

but relationships are give and take...

Louise, we can go somewhere else.
In fact, maybe we should go somewhere else.

Oh, no. It's perfectly fine.

It's childish to want everything my way.
I'm not like that any more.

- Chip barm, please.
- And what are you having, David?

Did she call you David?
You must come here a lot, little hoggy pig.

Oh, he hardly ever comes here. Right, David?

- Erm, we should go.
- No, we flipping well shouldn't.

I understand that you have a life away from me.

Or else you were boyfriend and girlfriend.
I embrace that as part of your past.

- Hi, by the way.
- She was never my girlfriend.

No, that's right. We just slept together.
A lot. Then I guess he lost my number

and accidentally changed his and moved.

And what a colourful past it is.

(TRAFFIC REPORT ON TV)

Hiya. I like your outfit. I found you a cake.
There's a dead bird down there.

- Gaz is at work.
- I know. He sent me to the chippy.

- Shouldn't you go, then?
- I like it here better.

You're here... with womanness.

I've got to go. Make yourself at home.
Shut the door when you leave.

You're lovely, you. Always thinking of others.

You're like a lovely bit of meat.

I wish... I wish you were my mum.

Listen to you. Look, make a sandwich,
have a rest. I'll see you around.

Belter.

What did you do to make her that angry?

- I don't want to talk about it.
- (SQUEALS)

OK, OK. Just don't squeak.

I used to be a bit... sociable.

- Sociable?
- Mmm. I was um... gregarious.

David, were you a big slag?

No, I was just... sexually friendly.

Look, it worries me that you hurt that girl
and you're going to do the same to me.

No, look...

The past is the past.

I may have been horrible to Simone
a long time ago, but I'm not like that now.

Simone? Oh, Simone, is it?

- Didn't I just say that?
- OK. I'll behave.

You only have to ask Donna
to see how much I've changed.

Mum?

Hello. You caught me.

Doing what? Let me think. Stood on
a street corner, pretending to read. Don't answer.

- What have you been up to?
- I called in at the flat.

- Who's that strange boy living with you?
- What? Oh, Munch. He's not living with us.

Oh? So why did he say,
"The Munch-Man is here to stay, baby"?

- Oh, God. Was he still there?
- Yeah. I didn't go in.

- You know how young men are around me.
- Yes. Very, very frightened.

- Well, you know what to do.
- I don't think I'll move back home.

No, send him round to me. I can do
with another pair of hands about my person.

(RINGS DOORBELL)

- Hiya. I'm here about your wedding dress.
- Oh, yeah. Come in.

Er... I don't suppose
you do alterations as well, do you?

- Munch? Why are you still here?
- You said to make myself at home.

- Is this how you treat your home?
- God, no. Mum'd kill me.

- Have you not been to work?
- I found all my brother's porn.

My brain can't think
of this many things at once. I was awash.

- Gaz is going to be furious with you.
- He won't mind. We're soulmates.

- That stupid bag of man butter skived off...
- Hiya!

- What are you doing here?
- Keeping her company.

I only sent you for chips.
I thought you'd run away like my dog.

- Eric?
- How would you know his name?

He didn't run away. Dad just took him
and gave him to me for Christmas one year.

Eric, yeah. With his huge small eyes
and his fondness for everything humpable.

- What happened to him?
- I broke him.

His neck was no bigger than a can of pudding,
so I wasn't totally at fault.

Munch, listen. You can't just leave work
and hang around me flat.

- Why not? I've got no real friends.
- None? That's so sad.

Nah, they abandon me. I'm irritating.

Munch, I don't think you're irritating.

- What's for tea, then?
- He's not having tea.

Why not?
He's clingy and flaky. Like my psoriasis.

My mum never has any food in on a Tuesday.
Security's tight in Asda midweek.

Of course he can stay. He needs feeding.

Stand him and Jonny side by side,
people'll take penalties.

Don't be emotionally blackmailed.
He's not going to starve.

I'll give him a quid. Here.
Don't spend it on magic beans. Go on.

You're right. I'm selfish.
I should be a better brother, look out for you,

pick you up when you're down,
stroke you when you're ill

and feed you when you're hungry.

That's what it means to be a real family.
But I've never had a real family, have I?

- Beans on toast all right, then?
- Belter.

Hiya.

Hiya. You seem happy.

- Did you speak to your mum and dad?
- I have no parents.

- I saw them yesterday.
- I don't think about them any more.

Just because you're not thinking
about something doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

I'm not thinking about Lorraine Kelly but she...

Oh, hold on. Now I am thinking about her.

Right, I'm not thinking about cement mix but...

Oh, hold on. Now I am thinking about it.

Right, I'm not thinking about the Versailles Treaty,
but I know it exists.

- But now you are thinking about it.
- No. I don't know what it is.

- Jonny, fill out these wedding invites.
- Hold on.

These are christening invitations.
You wanted tissue invites.

Are we getting baptised instead?
I always wanted one of them little biscuits.

Why?

To see what Christ tastes like.

He tastes like rice paper, Jonny.

Imagine that.

I'd have thought the Son of God
would head in the ginger direction.

- Look, did the council call?
- No, why?

I've asked for any cancellations
at the registry office.

Let's hope someone's fianc? gets killed soon.

Crossing my fingers on that.

Can you clear out for a while tonight?
I'm having a dress fitting.

- Aren't you rushing things a bit?
- No, I'm not.

You're all wound up like a cat on stilts.

I'm coping. I can't have my dream wedding
or my dad giving me away, so I'm coping.

Look, you're in shock. We can get married
when your parents support us.

I have no parents. I'm an orphan.
It's a shame, but I'm terribly chipper.

You're just trying to spite them.
They might not like me, but they love you.

Jonny, you're marrying me,
and it's going to be friggin' marvellous, OK?

You know, the way I proposed was better.
Yours was just rude.

When did you sleep with her? Was it a full moon?

It was about a year ago.
It was only one night. She was rubbish.

I don't care if she was good.
Was she really, really bad?

Look, I'm sorry. If I'd known we'd get together,
I never would have done it.

David, you don't understand.

- What?
- How many women have you slept with?

53. But about a third were real minge-bags,
so I wouldn't worry.

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

That's what they said.

- Don't you get it?
- How many men have you slept with?

- Don't worry if it's less. It is, isn't it?
- Of course it's less.

Only Dean Gaffney's slept
with more people than you.

Under ten, right?
Otherwise, you should get a smear test.

- There could be all sorts of things there.
- But Donna, though?

- I thought you were different.
- I'm not like that any more.

Oh, God! You're celibate.

You did it too much and ran out of steam
like a big Freudian sex train.

No, it's not that. I was young and naive.
And young naive men do sleep around.

They don't mean to.
They do it by accident. It's a curse.

So... So you're saying that Donna seduced you.

What?

She held you against your will, and
it's not your fault. Oh, you poor, innocent thing.

- I'm not saying that.
- You poor baby.

I'm here, David.
Do you need some milk of magnesia?

No. Look, Donna didn't seduce me.
It was a two-way thing. Honestly.

She seduced you and then brainwashed you.
She's a strange and evil force.

And I think she dyes her hair. You'll know.
Do the accessories match the outfit?

I like it when you come shopping.
I can buy heavy stuff like vodka.

Why are there so many types of shampoo?
And why do you stare at them for ages?

You can learn so much -
how to sniff a melon, how to sniff a peach.

- I think you'll find I know exactly...
- Don't, Gaz.

- You only came to avoid Munch.
- Can you blame me?

- He's everywhere. He's like God.
- Oh, thanks.

- Jesus!
- You're just flattering me now.

- Look what I robbed.
- Put 'em away!

They can't do you once you've robbed it.
It's called double Jeffrey.

- I'm going to t'pub.
- Hey, can I come?

Oh!

Here.

What's this?

- "Come"?
- Yeah.

I got that far before it ripped.
It's your invite to Janet's wedding.

It's just "come" on a tissue.

Janet wanted tissue invites,
so people could wipe their teary eyes.

- Who else are you inviting?
- Well, let's see.

There's you and Donna
and Louise and... oh, Munch.

No. No, don't invite Munch.

- Why not? He seems like a nice bloke.
- He isn't.

He truly isn't.
He's like a leech. He's there all the time.

He uses me shower, takes up Donna's time.
He even eats beef dripping over me porn.

Everyone in "Rubber Sluts Of Bournemouth"
has got greasy skin now.

- What's the problem? Just tell him to go.
- I can't. He's got no friends.

- Oh, that's so sad.
- And that's his power.

Why doesn't he join a club or something?

Because they won't have him.
He puts everything he touches in his mouth.

He's not welcome in public toilets any more.

- Gaz.
- What?

You know, I've just thought.
I haven't got a best man yet.

I've been longing for this moment
with all my heart.

- Since I was a small boy, my dream...
- Stop it.

As long as you don't invite Munch.
Honest, he's so irritating.

I asked him to leave earlier.
He pretended to fall asleep.

- How do you know he was pretending?
- I said, "You'd better go." And he went...

- You used to like your family.
- Only 'cause they used to buy me things.

I can't see Munch ever doing anything for me,
the lazy little monkey-faced arse wipe.

- Is he behind me?
- No.

He would be in "Saved By The Bell".

- Sorry, I was lying. He is.
- Hiya!

(JANET) Are you ready?

# Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-dum! #

Don't you look... eccentric!

- Give me a fag. I need a drink.
- You sound like my mum on her wedding day.

- Tart.
- You calling me a tart?

No. What are we going to wear?

- What?
- Well, we are bridesmaids, aren't we?

Oh, yeah. Wear what you want.
Come as an egg if you want.

Talking of eggs,
would you like a hen night? (CLUCKS)

- Shut up, chicken tramp.
- We'll just go round some pubs.

- What did you call me?
- Nothing. Slag. Slut. Whore.

- What's up?
- You keep snapping at her.

- You seduced him.
- Oh, God. You found out.

Yes, I did.

Let that be a lesson to you.

- What's going on?
- Donna slept with my boyfriend.

- Oh, my God. When?
- It was last bloody year.

He said you were rubbish.

I'll kill him. He swore he'd never tell.

Look, there's more important things to...

I snagged his bollocks on my sovereign ring.

I was trying to find the perineum.
It's a long and bloody story.

Can we talk about my wonderful day
instead of some bloke?

Yes. Of course we can, can't we? Flowers?

Yes, lets talk about your flowers,
as the skank suggests.

Oi, you... weeble.

Shut up! My parents are ignoring me.
I don't need you falling out.

Aren't you inviting them to the wedding?

Is it because your dad
looks at me in that forbidding way?

Ew! No, Louise.

- They've got to come.
- I don't care.

They're less welcome
at my wedding than Lee Bowyer in a mosque.

Don't you think it's a bit soon?

I've been with Jonny longer
than most marriages last. They know that.

I've even seen his talking anus trick.
If that's not a solid relationship, what is?

A bit soon for your mum and dad.
They'll get used to the idea.

Excuse me. You've no right to be lecturing

when you've had such terrible
and fearsome grindings with my boyfriend.

I shagged David once in a time far, far away.
Grow up and forget it.

Janet, she can't be your bridesmaid.
She's unpure.

And she's made my boyfriend unpure.

He's tainted by a love
that dares not speak its name - beastiality.

- Do not call me a beast.
- Why not?

It's not like you've never smelled of dung.

And quite frankly, Donna,
when was the last time we saw your dad?

Oh, yes. He'd just come down
with foot and mouth, hadn't he?

Later on, we'll go and see if anyone's
dropped kebab meat on the pavement.

- I don't want a stag do.
- Who said you were invited?

- Me and Jonny's practically family now.
- How's that?

- Well, you're my brother.
- Half! That's the important bit. Half!

Like half a lager or half a Scargill.

Yeah, but you're Jonny's best man, though, right?

- So?
- That makes me fall-back best man.

- No, it doesn't.
- Tell him, Jonny.

- I'm the chosen one.
- You're not a frigging Jedi.

You said I can organise the wedding strippers.

- You don't have strippers at weddings.
- That's why I'm best man, to put them there.

I'll be no trouble.
I'll sit behind until you faint or cry,

then I'll take over your duties.

You're not gonna be there.
I'm sick of you, Munch.

What? But we're family.

But you're stealing me life!

You're practically moving in, taking over my life
like some little sucky Spider-Man thing.

Are you saying I can move in?

No! I'd never live with someone
who uses my shower head to unblock himself.

Do you hear me, Munch?
I don't want you around.

Gaz, hold on. You're being unfair.

- He doesn't mean it.
- Unfair. Thanks a frigging lot.

Fine. Let him be best man.
Don't blame me when he swallows the ring.

I've got a fast metabolism.
You'd have it back within 48 hours.

You know, like that Eddie Murphy film.

- "Dr Dolittle"?
- Jonny, you're not taking this seriously.

Well, no. We both know
you're going to be best man.

You should be more tolerant of your brother.

- All right. You have him.
- What?

Munch, this is your new brother.
He loves you very, very much.

- I hope you'll be happy together.
- You give me the best presents.

Gaz! Hold on, Gaz!

(PHONE RINGS)

- I didn't know you were so dainty.
- I didn't think you were so butch!

Don't start or I'll break you,
you squeaky little twat-bag.

- Don't make me use my degree.
- Do you speak like that

because you've never had a good shag?

Do you walk like that
because there's still people trapped up there?

Cave rescue's there for a reason, Donna.

- Shut up, you two.
- What's up?

- That was the registrar.
- What did they say?

- Donna!
- What?

- We'll have nothing to do with this wedding.
- But...

Great. At least you'll have a bridesmaid
who knows how to control her flatulence.

I wouldn't stand next to her anyway,

in case her vagina unfroze
and she started humping my leg.

- I can't do it.
- Isn't it nice how girls share everything?

Anyway, I get to sleep with the best man.

Belter!

- What?
- I'm the best man.

- Come on. We're going.
- Fine.

He'll be all right.
He just needs some Munch-time.

(GAZ) Piss off!

You don't need her, Janet.
I'll be the best bridesmaid ever.

Mmm. And I'll be a beautiful
blushing bastard bride.

Look. I'll go home now and make you a nice cake.

If I were you,
I'd start putting the pressure on Jonny.

You know... (WHISPERS) about his hair.

- I like your dress.
- Thanks.

Look, I know it looks bad, but we can sort this.

Donna and Gaz'll calm down,
and Louise'll be great.

- With a black eye?
- Don't be daft. We've got months left.

And it's only me and you that really matter.

Yeah. There you go.
Come here. It's all going to be all right.

- Suppose.
- Course it is.

Now, let's get you in that kitchen
to make me a lovely egg butty.

Jonny, the registrar phoned before.

Have you got a cancellation?
Is it for June? I adore June weddings.

(COUGHS) I mean erm...
Actually, there isn't a tough month, is there?

Apart from funky old February.

- No. It's not June.
- When, then?

I'm really sorry, Jonny. It's tomorrow.

You've been standing naked at your window.

These speed bumps
are better than any policemen.

- I don't want to get married tomorrow.
- You want to be separated from your penis?

What's going on, Pete?
Hey, it's freezing in those stirrups...

- Who was he with?
- No one. He was...

- What?
- He was dressed as a woman!

Ambulance. I don't think he's breathing.

Will he die?