Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 3, Episode 3 - Kangeroo - full transcript

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger, now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I have a pint of lager, please!

# And a pack of flakeys #

(R'N'B ON STEREO)

Hiya. Why aren't you at work?
Have you got a man here?

Are you making sandwiches for other men?
That's just too big a betrayal. (CHUCKLES)

I thought you were meeting Gaz.

He didn't turn up.
I wanted to show him my pineapple.



You should go. I'm doing private things.

Gaz is usually so reliable,
like a great big clock. What private things?

I... am shaving.

- So um... what's this, then?
- Don't!

It's a bridal magazine.
I was just planning the wedding.

Aah. Aren't you the cutest little wifey?

Let's have a look.

- Jesus! How fit are these women?
- Jonny! They're bridal models, that's all.

A bloke could have a commitment problem
if one of these turned up.

Give it back. I only came home to read it.

Why couldn't you read it at work?

Because it's nobody else's business, is it?

Anyway, I work in a baker's.
Pastry, Jonny. Pastry. It's a weapon.

Have you actually told them
we're getting married?



Yes, of course I have. Why wouldn't I tell them?

It's not like I'm ashamed
or emotionally crippled by the stress.

- OK, no, I haven't told them.
- Why not?

Well... maybe I think it's private.

Oh. Have you told your parents?

I'm their only daughter, Jonny,
their little girl. It's a bit scary.

I'll tell them when we get a venue.
And a date. And flowers.

And a cake. And a saxophonist.

Janet, if you don't tell your parents,
then I... I might do.

- You're supposed to anyway.
- What?

You. You're supposed to ask my dad
for permission, for my hand and other areas.

Am I? That's annoying considering
how extremely frightening your parents are.

- Well, you're supposed to.
- Do something for me, then.

- What?
- Um... You... You...

Oh, I know.
You have to write me a poem about... a turtle.

- What's the point of that?
- I like turtles.

Ooh, thank you! I can't wait to marry you.
You do anything I want.

Yeah. Except for weeing on you.

I was cold.

(PHONE RINGS)

Oh, my God. I'm still alive. Help! Help!

Someone help me!

Oh, God! I'm going to have to chew my arm off
like in that film... "Driving Miss Daisy".

Help!

I can't believe you came
all the way back from Australia to find me.

I didn't.

- I think we all know that you did.
- I came to go to school.

At the universities over there,
you can major in soup.

So you decided to come and seek me.

No. I got back, saw you, and before you could
say "Brit girls are easy", there you were.

There I was? David, you're supposed to say
you love the colour of my hair

or you like the way the sunlight
catches my dazzling smile.

Why would I say that? That just sounds poofy.

Because, David, I'm beautiful.

Yes, I know. It's obvious you're beautiful.
That's why I asked you out.

And I accepted you as a viable option
because I could see the potential for change.

You can't just change human beings.

Then what's the point in collecting them?

- You collect people?
- Of course.

Only yesterday the postman became an ally.

He used to ignore me, but I answered the door
in my Mr Men nightie and he changed overnight.

- Where you going?
- I'm going home.

- Are you going home to change your T-shirt?
- No. You're mental. I'll call you, OK?

You can't do this. I get away with murder!

(SQUEALS IN PROTEST)

That's never happened before.

Help!

(MUNCH) Mr Wilkinson?

Munch! Oh, thank God!

(LAUGHS)

Munch, help. I've been trapped here all night.

I've got a ruptured bowel or shrinking pants.

Look, it's not funny. I'm stuck!

Hey. Hold on. You didn't do this for me, did you?

- Of course not. You're me brother.
- That's all right, then.

- What are you doing here?
- Dad sent me. You didn't come in to work.

I said you might be stuck on the bog.
I've done it six times. It's suction.

- The power of science, sir.
- Munch, just get me out of these handcuffs!

I can't touch you like that.

- Why not?
- It's incest.

Your chest hairs grow like mine. Want to see?

- No, I don't.
- Does half of your pubes grow straight?

- What?
- Mine do. I'm a medical wonder.

- (JONNY) Gaz?
- Oh, bollocks.

Did you do this for him?
Is he your special secret life partner?

- Aaargh!
- Aaargh!

Who are you?
What are you doing to Gaz? It's homoerotic!

I never did it! Anyway, I'm his brother.
I've got more right to see his muckiness.

Why are you all trussed up like this?

- You told me to!
- Not this!

You did. You said
I should get Donna some sex aids.

- Why are you dressed in your grandma suit?
- Is your granny a transvestite?

No, I'm going to Janet's mum's
to ask her dad for her hand in marriage.

Thought you might come the pub first.

Yeah, I'd love to come to the pub.
Oh, am I a bit overdressed?

I was thinking that as well. Is this twee?

I think you look lovely.

- Will someone get me out of here?
- Fine. Where's the keys?

- Jonny.
- Yes, Gaz?

The keys are in my very small, very warm pants.

- You're his brother.
- That makes it worse.

At least you could say
you were experimenting.

I experiment with compasses, beasts
and sugary snacks, not with other men's parts.

We'll toss for it.

Well, I've got the biggest widgie in our family.

Go, Munch!

I've never really thought seriously
about suicide before.

Jonny, you're still here, then.

I'll just go out for a bit.

It'll be easier next time.

(LOUISE) David! David!

(WHINES)

(SQUEALS) David! David! Where are you going?

I just said. I'm going home.

- That's not how you play the game.
- I don't play games.

Well, you've got to.
Ah! I know what you're doing.

- Yes, I'm going home.
- You're playing hard to get.

OK. I can do this. Oh, please come back, David.
Please. I can't live without you.

- But I just want to get to know you.
- Fine. OK.

Let's ask awkward questions for a while.

Fine. I'll play,
because I do actually really like you.

- So, what music do you like?
- (GIGGLES) You're a cheeky, cheeky boy.

That was weird. Do you have any pets?

Oh, you'd just love to know, wouldn't you?

Well, yes. That's the point of asking.

- (GIGGLES)
- Ow!

- Why would you punch me?
- You're so silly.

Ow! No, I'm not. That hurt.
You can't go round hitting people.

David, I can.

- Where are you going?
- Home. I'll see you around.

You can't leave me.
You've got to walk me home.

- It's a dangerous world for a girl like me.
- It bloody isn't.

- Mum?
- Yes, pickle-wig.

- Remember when you and Dad got together?
- Vaguely.

He goosed me at the bar in the Traveller's Rest.

We ended up
across the bonnet of a Fiat Panda.

Did Dad ever want to do anything
you were uncomfortable with?

Of course. Don't worry,
it'll shrink back in a hot bath.

- I'm worried about Gaz.
- Is that why you crept in late last night?

- I thought you were a burglar.
- Why confront me naked?

Force of habit.

We haven't had sex for a few days.

- Why not? Are you sick?
- No. I've just been too busy and tired.

I wanted to last night... except I came home...

He was with another woman. I knew it.

No. He was on the bed.

Well, that's good for a start.

And... (INAUDIBLE)

- Where are you going?
- I'm not seeing whipped cream wasted.

Mum, come here!

- Janet...
- Louise, I'm really busy. I'm poeterising.

Yeah. Anyway. Janet?

- You know David?
- Yes. What about him?

He's mature. And not in a cheese way.

Can you think of any turtle icons?
Other than Touch?? Love his work.

No. David's horrible. He won't be manipulated.

He won't let me change him. He's too mature.

He's like old Playdoh.

Only I wouldn't eat David.

Well, dump him, then. Oh, inspiration!
"Touch? away! But were you secretly gay?"

But I can't dump him. I love him.

Listen, David's nice. But you'll find
that most blokes don't like playing games.

Now, "A turtle is hard on the outside,
but chewy in the middle like... a big bogey."

- I punched him and everything.
- They don't like being punched!

- Especially not by little women.
- No, Janet. Punching's flirting.

Oh. Then Sheryl Gascoigne
should be bloody grateful.

I thought punching's what you did.

Oh, grow up, Louise. I'm busy.

I can't grow up. I'm like the ever-youthful Lulu
featured in "Heat" magazine,

only I don't need to go
(WAILS) "weeeell" all the damn time.

Try talking to David like you talk to me.
Talk about your life, ask about his.

And then punch him?

- No. Just try and be a grown-up.
- But that's difficult.

Relationships are.
You won't keep him if you act immature.

I'll lose him? Like I lost that donkey?

Yes. You have to be grown-up.

Now, give me a line to follow
"A turtle's head is great because..."

He gave me the fright of my life, all PVC
and whipped cream - like a masochistic trifle.

But if that makes him happy, give it a go.

If you don't like it, you say, "You're giving
me a chilblain," or some other code word.

What do you mean code word?

You really haven't lived.
If you want to tie someone up or be spanked,

then find you don't like it,
you use a special word to stop.

What? Like "kangaroo"?

No, a word not connected with sex.

- What's a kangaroo got to do with sex?
- Don't ask. I still can't face Uncle Joey.

It's no good, Gaz. I can't look at you.

There was just too much... pinkness.

For God's sake. I'm over it.

Think of it as another stepping stone
to becoming a man.

Yes. I believe it's in that Kipling poem, "If".

"If you can pick cream-soaked bondage keys
from your PVC-clad friend's pubic hair,

"then you'll be a man, my son."

- At least I'd shaved down there.
- Oh!

I've touched your shaven John Craven.
It makes my guts lurch.

Let's talk about boobies. That'll cheer you up.

- No.
- Come on! Ladies' bubblies!

(MUTTERS DAFTLY)

Bosoms!

Isn't bosom such a bad word?
It's so unlike the thing it describes.

What would you call a bosom in an ideal world?

'Cause "tits" doesn't really say it either.

Tits, tits, tits! Sounds sharp.

Yeah, and "breasts" sounds slippy. Breastssssss!

I'd call 'em er... "lubadubs".

I'd call them... gazpods.

I shouldn't be thinking about lubadubs
when I've got to see my future in-laws.

I've got to concentrate. What if they get angry?

Who could get angry with that little face?

I'm serious. They really hate me.

At Christmas, they've got a Santa
that shouts abuse at me.

- What does it shout?
- "Ho! Ho! Ho!" All gangsta rapper-like.

- You're just being stupid.
- I'm not. I don't know what I can do.

Oh, Jonny, Jonny, Jonny. My huckleberry friend.

- What?
- When you won the toss to get my keys...

I lost the toss. Lost, Gaz.

Whatever. You just did it.
You know, grabbed the bull by his horn...

so to speak.

So? That's like doing anything unpleasant,
like cleaning the toilet.

You just have to
grab Janet's toothbrush and scrub.

That's what you've gotta do. Get it over with.

Like when I copped off with Bald Shirley. Just
ploughed in and thought of Duncan Goodhew.

The sooner I do it, the sooner it'll be done.

Nice one.

Right. That's it, then. I'm going to seal my future.

I'm going to win my woman.
I'll crush their icy hearts with this look.

- Works for me.
- I'm gonna say, "I'm marrying your daughter,

"and not you nor any stinking thing
in this world can stop me...

"please... sir."

If that doesn't work, stick your hands
down their drawers. You've a lovely touch.

I wish Jonny'd come back.
He's probably still out celebrating.

Gives me a chance to think of an end line.

Well, what about... "And it was all a dream"?

- Brilliant.
- Do you think they'll take him to the pub?

No. They'll be discussing my dowry over
some primrose wine and a game of backgammon.

Will Jonny be wearing his favourite cravat
and dancing the Jaunty Jim?

I've still not heard from Gaz.

Did you have no inkling he was into S&M?

I should have known. I've seen photos of him
when he was little. That's when it starts.

- So what?
- He had those mittens that tie together.

You should try it. Just once.
A bit of tiesy-uppy-whippy-chainy stuff.

Calling it baby names
doesn't make it sound any less dirty.

I think you should give it a go.
I wore a tool belt for Jonny's pleasure.

Maybe you're right.
Maybe he did it to surprise me.

I'll try it once. If I hate it,
I'll use a code word - "kangaroo".

OK, chinchilla.

Gaz'll understand if you don't like it.
I think you'll enjoy it.

I did wear a bin bag once,
just to see if I looked good in it. That was fun.

- What was in the bin bag?
- Just me.

And some chicken skin. That was the best bit.

Donna, you're obviously twice the pervert Gaz is.

Look, just tell him if you're uncomfortable.

- Did Jonny mind you stopping the tool belt?
- He cried, which set off this adult-baby thing.

I don't much like that either.
Especially nappy-changing time.

- Well, go on, then. Read us your poem.
- Oh, OK.

"To Jonny, 'The Turtle',
by Janet Smith, Poetress.

"Jonny you're like my turtle.
Being married to you will be turtle-tastic.

"You have a hard shell and are often scaly,
But the best thing is how long turtles last.

"It's ages, like.
That's what our marriage will be -

"Long and very happy, like a turtle."

"And... it was all a dream."

Oh, yes.

Come on! You can do anything.

Like a panda.

Pandas can't do anything.
They can't juggle. Or got to Aldi.

This panda can. Grrrr.

Listen, before you go, I need to ask -
is Janet up for that dirtbag sort of thing?

Um... She's a weird one. She'll do anything,
things that even I find disgusting.

That's why I'm marrying her.

What like?

She does things with a cucumber
you wouldn't believe.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I came in once, she was lying on the bed
with cucumber slices on her eyes,

mud on her face and a towel round her head.
She's pure dirt!

So, you think Donna should loosen up a bit?
Get more experimental?

Well, don't push it,
'cause you could scare her off.

Just introduce things gradually. Like me tonight.

I won't ask Janet's parents straightaway.
I'll do the preliminary foreplay.

I'll nibble their metaphorical nipples and the like.
Then I'll pounce like a panda.

Louise. I wasn't expecting you.
I'm working at the minute.

(DEEP VOICE) Don't invite me in.

This meeting was neither arranged
nor confirmed nor double-confirmed nor blah.

Why are you doing a dad voice?

I, Louise Susannah Brooks, girlfriend of you,
David er... What's your middle name?

Uh... Gideon.

Not laughing. Of you, David Gideon Fish,

hereby decree that from this date
and inclusive of this date,

in pursuant of said party's wishes,
I will neither play or be playant of the games

and/or gaming tactics employed by both sexes
in accordance with laws set by Mother Nature.

- You won't play sex games?
- In conclusion, I will try

to be nice, pleasant and mature
to the best of my abilities with lovely boyfriend

if lovely new boyfriend
will give me another chance.

- You want to come in? I've got nice coffee.
- Yay!

- Most acceptable.
- You can stop talking like that now.

(SQUEAKS) OK.

And like that.

(MISS DYNAMITE ON STEREO)

Ow!

People do this for fun? Weirdos.

Mind you, live and let live.
I suppose I do eat stock cubes.

(GAZ) Donna!

Who dares enter the lair of the Donnanatrix?
On your knees, worm.

You've been a bad boy.
I'm going to punish you with my sex whip.

If you don't like it,
all you have to do is say "kangaroo".

I love my new family.

Kangaroo.

Ah, my suitor returns. Come, come. Listen.
"To Jonny. 'The Turtle' by Janet Smith..."

I don't care about that. I like jackals now.

Oh-ho! Have you been drinking
the dirty beer with my parents?

- Not quite.
- So what happened? Were they pleased?

Well, they've never seen me without you.
They were worried you'd been run over.

- Oh, God. I didn't think of that.
- They were relieved, then shut the door.

- Oh.
- So I knocked again and asked for Pete.

- Who's Pete?
- He's your dad, Janet.

I don't know.
He's never formally introduced himself, has he?

Anyway, Pete was fixing his mountain bike.

Mountain bike?
Are you sure you got the right house?

No, I went round to Pete Waterman's house.
My range is OK, but my dancing kills him.

- Sorry. Carry on.
- I got down on one knee and took his hand...

Jonny. You do that when you propose.

Well, I know that now, don't I?

- OK. And?
- Well, I said, "Pete,

"I love your daughter more than anything.

"She completes me," I said.
"I can only truly complete her

"if you give me the privilege..."

- This is so ace, so romantic, so...
- Shut up, gobby!

"Will you give me
your daughter's hand in marriage?"

- That's what I'd have told you to say.
- That IS what you told me to say.

So, were they excited? Did he give you a cigar?

- Not exactly.
- Well, what, then?

He said no.

I've asked for any cancellations
at the registry office.

I haven't got a best man yet.

# Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-dum! #

So you're saying that Donna seduced you?

Do you speak like that
because you've never had a good shag?

You're stealing me life!

You're marrying me,
and it'll be friggin' marvellous!

- We're having nothing to do with this!
- I'm the best man!