Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 3, Episode 1 - Munch - full transcript
Gaz is shocked when a lad called Munch arrives at the garage where he works,claiming to be his half-brother. Initially lukewarm Gaz starts to like Munch when he finds that he has a great porn collection. Jonny proposes to Janet but she wants him to find work in order to buy a proper engagement ring. He is spectacularly unsuccessful so Janet proposes instead,with a ring made of tin foil. Louise now takes up with Andy,who takes her to a smart restaurant,but runs off,leaving her to pay the bill.
# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it
# And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger, now
# Just think I'll wait a while
# I have a pint of lager, please!
# And a pack of flakeys #
Ah. (CHUCKLES)
- What are you looking at?
- My mum's wedding photographs.
I'm trying to get ideas for our wedding.
Go on, then. Let's have a look.
My God! How fat was she?
Jonny, she's pregnant.
That's me in her uterus. Can you see?
Hello, little Janet!
Lovely. Where's your dad?
I don't know. Oh, there,
behind that cloud of smoke.
God, look at the state of her!
Jonny, that's my mother you're talking about.
Fat, smoking and dressed all in white -
are you sure it wasn't Elvis's cremation?
Jonny, stop it. I smoke.
I'll be smoking at our wedding.
Donna and Louise smoke as well.
They're bridesmaids.
- Yeah, they'll be smoking too.
- It'll be like marrying a dry ice machine.
We won't be walking into the church
having a fag.
We'll have gum for the actual ceremony.
I don't want to be saying "I do"
with you coughing blood and phlegm at me.
- I don't smoke mustard gas.
- If we have children...
When, Jonny. When.
All right, when we have children,
they'll be dead short with yellow cr?pey skin.
It'll be like giving birth to your own grandparents.
- It doesn't look very nice, does it?
- No.
OK, I'll quit... tomorrow.
Good. We can put the extra money
towards the wedding.
Yeah. We could hire a proper disco
instead of that bloke who whistles.
Whistling Trev? I was looking forward to him.
OK, we'll have him,
but we'll have to get rid of Farting Derek.
Done.
(SINGS HAPPILY)
- Exciting, this, innit?
- What?
Our first proper night together.
Just sat in on our own like pensioners.
Just less crumpetiness. Great, innit?
Well, shall we retire to the boudoir, mon ch?ri?
Why, let's, mon... French word.
(GAZ) # Bringing in the sheep,
bringing in the sheep
# What do we do before we sleep?
We bring in all the sheep #
- Gaz?
- What?
- What are you doing?
- I'm just brushing my teeth.
OK.
# Bringing in the sheep,
bringing in the sheep... #
- Gaz!
- What?
- Why are you singing?
- I wasn't.
You were singing about bringing in sheep.
I'm for trying anything new,
but I draw the line at livestock.
- I wasn't singing.
- You were.
- I didn't even know I was doing it.
- Well, stop it. It's odd.
(CACKLES LECHEROUSLY)
Grrr!
Gaz. You're making noises again.
Grrrr!
- Grrr!
- Are you getting in or what?
- That's a bit unsubtle, innit?
- What is?
You could at least say
"enter my chamber of squelch" or something.
Into bed, Gaz. Not me.
I see. You want some role-play, do you? OK.
My Sleeping Beauty...
I am your prince
and I will awaken you with my mighty sword.
I'm going to stab you with it, yeah...
- Go to sleep.
- Sleep?
- Yes?
- I was going to have sex.
- Now? It's past one.
- We always do it when you stay.
We live together now.
We can't do it every night.
Don't you fancy me any more?
Of course I do. We'll still have lots of sex.
It's just that we can do it whenever we want.
- Even in the mornings?
- Yes.
- Or on Tuesdays?
- Yes.
Half eight on a Sunday night, if you like.
- "Monarch Of The Glen's" on then.
- Go to sleep!
Fine.
Gaz?
(CROAKS) Yeah?
If you have to do that, don't blurt it up my back.
My secret admirer. Who are you?
Who do I know who smells of paper?
- What do you want this time?
- (TINKLY MUSIC STARTS)
# Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
# I know this much is true #
(GASPS) Oh, my God!
(COUGHS OVERTLY)
What?
(COUGHS AGAIN)
Jonny, have you turned gay?
- No, I'm doing my cough.
- Why?
Look at what you're doing. (COUGHS)
God. You still going on about giving up?
I'll do it tomorrow.
Janet, it stinks... and doesn't suit you at all.
Yes, it does. It makes me look big and clever.
Janet, look at yourself.
Look, you're like an angel.
A beautiful, blonde, hairy-legged angel.
Look, Jonny.
Heavenly clouds coming out of my mouth.
Then there's the cost. Five pounds a day,
seven days a week, fifty-two weeks a year.
That's 1,820 quid.
- How did you do that?
- I'm mathematically gifted.
It's both a joy and a curse.
- I know it's expensive, but...
- What about your health? And your stench?
- What are you talking about?
- In 20 years, you could be this dead thing.
- I'm not going to die, Jonny.
- It's just a bad investment, really, innit?
Jonny, I'll give up soon, OK?
Soon? When?
When we're married? When we have children?
Jonny, that's ages away.
That's like in ten years or something.
Look. Do you really want to leave all this behind?
Jonny. What are you doing?
I'm like the man from the poster,
the sensitive one with the baby and all that.
- Oh, yeah. Dead ringer.
- Try for me and little Corinthian.
- OK. I'll try not to smoke today.
- Good.
- But if I want one tomorrow, I'm having one.
- You'll do it for me, 'cause you love me.
Every cigarette takes five minutes off your life.
Why couldn't it have been this last five minutes?
See you later.
You are Gaz Wilkinson. A beast of a man.
You're strong. You're confident.
You're Gaz Wilkinson, and girls want to touch you.
- Gaz?
- Morning. Coffee's on.
- Who are you talking to?
- I was doing my self-affirming exercises.
Is it time for sex yet?
No. I've got to get ready.
- You said we could do it when we fancied it.
- I don't fancy it now with a beast of a man.
- Right. Want some toast?
- Yeah. That'd be great.
(COUNTS UNDER HIS BREATH)
- You're odd, Gaz.
- What's up?
You've got funny quirks
that I haven't seen before.
- You have little quirks too.
- Like what?
Like not wanting to have sex with your boyfriend.
That's not quirky, it's barbaric.
Why do you take the middle slice of bread?
I can't tell you.
Go on. I won't tell anyone. Why?
The others are haunted.
If you eat them, the ghost lives in your stomach.
- And what about the song?
- "Bringing In The Sheep"?
- That's the one.
- It's so I don't dream about sheep.
What's wrong with dreaming about sheep?
I'm scared of 'em.
You're scared of sheep?
But they're stupid. They can't harm you.
That's what they want you to think.
Have you never listened?
(BLEATS) Gaaaaaz! Gaaaaaz!
Join us, Gaaaaz!
You're being silly. You're talking nonsense.
It's just one of those things.
You learn a lot when you live together.
I'm scared of sheep. You're scared of sex.
- I'm not.
- Why won't you do it, then?
I will! We'll talk about it tonight.
Over a laaaaaaamb kebaaaaab!
(QUEEN ON STEREO) # I want to break free
# I want to break free
# I want to break free from our lives
# You're so self-satisfied, I don't need you
# I've got to break free
# God knows
# God knows I want to break free
# I've fallen in love
# I've fallen in love for the first time
# This time I know it's for real
# I've fallen in love... #
What is that smell?
I'm de-smokifying the house. It's air freshener.
No, not that one. It's...
Oh, it's you.
I don't know. You're a catalyst of stench.
- Louise. What are you doing here?
- I came to see my lovely friend Jonny.
But you're not my friend. You're a girl.
I mean, girls are fun, but they're scary,
like having a poo with a death-defying radius.
I am your friend. I don't like you,
respect you or want to look at you, but...
Ah-ah! Don't you dare. Do you know
how much I spent cleaning this carpet?
- No.
- Nothing. I did it with my own spittle. Just go.
I just came round for a chat. Isn't it nice of me?
OK. Um... Did you see the footie last night?
No. But I did watch a live circumcision
on the internet.
You'd like to talk about that,
being all male and willy-orientated and all?
Yes, because that's what us men
talk about all the time.
I'll often say over a pint,
"So, Gaz, how's your cock?"
Well, if you don't want to talk about that,
there's always the subject of me. Look.
(TINKLYMUSIC) # Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
# I know this much is true #
Well, that's just stupid.
At least if I send you a card, it trumps at you.
He wants me to meet him.
Do you think I should go?
He could be a murderer like my Auntie Nigel.
He could be like Prince Harry,
bad and rich with a corruptible older brother.
Er, Louise? (COUGHS)
You smoke, I choke.
Smoking kills. A dog is for life, etcetera.
- You should guide me in the right direction.
- You should just go away.
- You think I should meet him?
- Just go, you big chimbly!
Oh! That one was herbal.
So what? If you were going to get shot,
would you rather be shot by a gun or a carrot?
See? It makes no difference. Now get out.
Thanks, Jonny. So you're saying I should go.
Ah, you've been a friend. Mwa!
- Do you not listen?
- Not to you, no. Ciao.
- You know what makes me angry?
- What?
Everything.
- Are you OK?
- Yeah, I'm fine. Fine.
I'm perfectly pissing fine, you slag.
- Janet, have a fag.
- No, you evil temptress!
- Oh. You've given up smoking.
- For the bloody wedding.
Well, I'm proud of you.
When I tried, I turned into a right...
- Yeah, say it. Just you say it.
- I understand.
Have some of my barm.
- I'm so hungry.
- Why don't you chew gum?
- Why don't you chew gum?
- OK. Sorry. I'll go.
- I can see you're in a mood.
- It's the nicotine. I'll do some breathing.
- What do you want to talk about?
- It's Gaz...
Oh, it's always Gaz! What are you,
some sort of Gaz limb? Stupid twat.
- He has habits.
- Who cares?
He sings special songs to himself. It's just odd.
You think that's a problem?
Every night, Jonny bursts things
and asks me to smell them.
Well, he gives himself
life-affirming talks every morning
and wants sex all the time too.
Since you came, you've done this 18 times.
- Have I?
- Yes. No wonder no one likes you.
And you pull your ear lobes all the time.
You'll look like one of Sting's tribe.
- Am I really that annoying?
- We all are.
Living together is about ignoring the small stuff,
until you just want to murder Jonny.
- Forget that. I have to get back to work.
- Yeah. I need to... I need to...
get away from you, to be honest.
Still no luck finding a job?
No. I got Janet to quit smoking, though,
so that should save a few quid.
- How long's she not smoked for?
- About six hours.
(LAUGHS) You're in for a treat tonight.
- Why?
- It's hard giving up.
It just means not putting a cigarette
in your mouth and lighting it.
- I've been doing that for 20-odd years.
- She's addicted, in't she?
- So?
- So think of something you're addicted to.
- I know. Desiccated coconut.
- Have you got any?
No. But imagine if for the rest of your life
you weren't allowed
to touch desiccated coconut ever again.
Why are you saying these things to me?
I'm just saying she'll be a moody cow.
You'll have to buy her patches or a dolly.
Yeah. I don't want it to be like the old Janet.
- The old Janet?
- When we first moved in together.
She was all "pick up those towels",
"wipe your nose", "stop bringing me tramps".
I bet she stopped having sex with you and all.
No. Why would that ever happen? I'm Jonny.
Jonny the sex donkey.
Oh, right.
Why? Is Donna floating the love boat
down a dry river with a paddle made of... sand?
- Does that mean not having sex?
- Obviously.
Well, yeah. She's just tired
all the time or too busy.
Me wrists'll be bigger than me neck soon.
- Bloody hell. How long's this been going on?
- Over 12 hours.
- 12 hours?
- I know. It's a nightmare.
These overalls are tight anyway, never mind
when your balls are like spacehoppers.
- You don't think she's got bored of sex?
- What would I do if she did?
I'm scared, Jonny.
Scared and confused... with a constant semi.
You know how I'm getting
these patches to help Janet?
- Yeah.
- Maybe you should get Donna some...
you know, aids.
Have you ever tried any with Janet?
No. Did you not listen?
I'm Jonny. Jonny the sex donkey.
Eeyore.
- Oh, Louise.
- Hi, Donna. I was just looking for you.
I've got news of paramount importance.
My life is in danger.
(TINKLYMUSIC) # Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha... #
Oh, my God!
A Spandau Ballet bomb. Who's it from?
- I don't know. He wants to meet.
- Are you going?
- That's what I'm thinking of doing.
- He could be a psycho killer.
Or a Geri Halliwell fan.
Yeah. Anyways, what I was thinking
is that we should all go.
But it's tonight. And it's dangerous.
- So?
- So I was going to have sex tonight.
This is better than sex. You and Janet hide,
I'll meet him, and if he's going to kill me
you jump out and say, "Boo!"
- If only Tupac had done that.
- So you'll come?
No, it's dangerous. Tell the police.
Well, I'll go on my own.
If I die, my blood'll be on your hands,
like some terrible manicure forever!
- Look, you can't go on your own.
- Exactly.
Isn't emotional blackmail fun?
I'll go and tell Janet.
(INAUDIBLE)
Ha-ha!
(MUTTERS)
What's a multiple orgasm?
Must mean with two women.
One on each hand like mittens.
What's happened to my house?
It's all tidy and sweet-smelling!
I'm not a Walton, Jonny. I'm scum, OK? Scum.
Janet, sweetheart, I got you some patches.
Oh, really? Aren't you the most caring,
wonderful fart-arsed son of a bitch?
- I thought they'd help you give up.
- Jonny, this is me without cigarettes...
This is me with cigarettes...
Why would you want me to stop?
To save money for a nice wedding.
Yeah, but this isn't saving money.
These patches are 30 quid,
and you can't even get a drag.
- You'll die if you keep smoking.
- You'll die if I don't, so which is it?
- Just give the patches a try.
- They've got real nicotine in them?
Yeah. Look, I've even got one on.
They're quite trippy. I've been sick twice.
OK. I'll try it.
- I've got to stop Louise being murdered.
- Why did you come back first?
To drop those pasties off
and call you a sadistic little...
- Sex donkey?
- Don't, Jonny. I could snap you like a twig.
God! That was horny.
(STEREO) # What's your flava?
# Tell me what's your flava
- Right, then.
- # What's your flava?
# Tell me what's your flava
# What's your flava?
Tell me what's your flava #
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
OK, you two hide and I'll wait for him here.
- Fine.
- I'm full of hate.
Great. When he comes,
try not to look conspicuous, OK?
Be quick. If he's nice, signal, so I can go
and have sex before my vagina eats someone.
- There's someone coming.
- Is it him?
Hide!
- Janet?
- What?
- Am I really irritating?
- I've never liked you.
- Do you think Gaz has noticed?
- He thinks you're a div.
We didn't have sex this morning.
What do you think?
- You're a frigid boot.
- I'll make a real effort tonight.
- I'm going to bang his brains out.
- Shut up!
# Bringing in the sheep
# Bringing in the sheep
# What do we do before we sleep?
# We bring in all the sheep #
Louise. I didn't know if you'd come.
David?
David Fish?
Oh, my God. I haven't seen you since school.
You had that thing with your skin going on.
Mmm. I discovered Oil of Ulay.
How did you get so fit? Why the silly voice?
I've been in Melbourne for eight years.
Did they send you there for killing ladies?
No. My dad lives there.
Louise, I always remembered you,
with your lovely eyes
and your graceful way of spitting on my neck.
That's why I sent you the cards.
You see, the thing is, Louise...
(JANET SCREAMS)
- Janet, stop it!
- He's got a gun!
- No, he hasn't!
- I don't care!
Oh, my God. Is that David Fish?
And he's not crispy any more.
Is he dead?
(WHIRRS)
Gaz? I thought about...
Oh, my God!
All right, Donna? I was just having a sleep.
I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable
explanation for...
What's that oozing out of your pants?
- Pervert!
- No, wait, Donna!
I was just waiting for you. Donna! No, Donna!
Oh, man!
So I kick him in the head. It was brilliant.
Then I was going for an eye gouge,
but I had a better idea
and kicked him in the head again.
- That's nice.
- Now I want some really rough sex.
You're going to be my bitch.
- Did you try those patches?
- No.
Not smoking's cool.
It makes me into a fighting machine.
I could run forever then kick people in the head.
- Janet, sit down.
- I can't. I've got rage.
- You want some more pie? I do.
- No.
- Janet, darling.
- Yes?
- Here.
- Give it to me, you shit.
(RELIEVED) Oh!
Help!
- Aaargh!
- Aaargh!
Who are you? What are you doing to Gaz?
It's homoerotic!
- I never did it.
- Just forget her. She no longer exists.
- Why are you being like this?
- (SQUEALS)
At least I'd shaved down there.
Oh! I touched your shaven John Craven.
It makes me guts lurch!
# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it
# And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger, now
# Just think I'll wait a while
# I have a pint of lager, please!
# And a pack of flakeys #
Ah. (CHUCKLES)
- What are you looking at?
- My mum's wedding photographs.
I'm trying to get ideas for our wedding.
Go on, then. Let's have a look.
My God! How fat was she?
Jonny, she's pregnant.
That's me in her uterus. Can you see?
Hello, little Janet!
Lovely. Where's your dad?
I don't know. Oh, there,
behind that cloud of smoke.
God, look at the state of her!
Jonny, that's my mother you're talking about.
Fat, smoking and dressed all in white -
are you sure it wasn't Elvis's cremation?
Jonny, stop it. I smoke.
I'll be smoking at our wedding.
Donna and Louise smoke as well.
They're bridesmaids.
- Yeah, they'll be smoking too.
- It'll be like marrying a dry ice machine.
We won't be walking into the church
having a fag.
We'll have gum for the actual ceremony.
I don't want to be saying "I do"
with you coughing blood and phlegm at me.
- I don't smoke mustard gas.
- If we have children...
When, Jonny. When.
All right, when we have children,
they'll be dead short with yellow cr?pey skin.
It'll be like giving birth to your own grandparents.
- It doesn't look very nice, does it?
- No.
OK, I'll quit... tomorrow.
Good. We can put the extra money
towards the wedding.
Yeah. We could hire a proper disco
instead of that bloke who whistles.
Whistling Trev? I was looking forward to him.
OK, we'll have him,
but we'll have to get rid of Farting Derek.
Done.
(SINGS HAPPILY)
- Exciting, this, innit?
- What?
Our first proper night together.
Just sat in on our own like pensioners.
Just less crumpetiness. Great, innit?
Well, shall we retire to the boudoir, mon ch?ri?
Why, let's, mon... French word.
(GAZ) # Bringing in the sheep,
bringing in the sheep
# What do we do before we sleep?
We bring in all the sheep #
- Gaz?
- What?
- What are you doing?
- I'm just brushing my teeth.
OK.
# Bringing in the sheep,
bringing in the sheep... #
- Gaz!
- What?
- Why are you singing?
- I wasn't.
You were singing about bringing in sheep.
I'm for trying anything new,
but I draw the line at livestock.
- I wasn't singing.
- You were.
- I didn't even know I was doing it.
- Well, stop it. It's odd.
(CACKLES LECHEROUSLY)
Grrr!
Gaz. You're making noises again.
Grrrr!
- Grrr!
- Are you getting in or what?
- That's a bit unsubtle, innit?
- What is?
You could at least say
"enter my chamber of squelch" or something.
Into bed, Gaz. Not me.
I see. You want some role-play, do you? OK.
My Sleeping Beauty...
I am your prince
and I will awaken you with my mighty sword.
I'm going to stab you with it, yeah...
- Go to sleep.
- Sleep?
- Yes?
- I was going to have sex.
- Now? It's past one.
- We always do it when you stay.
We live together now.
We can't do it every night.
Don't you fancy me any more?
Of course I do. We'll still have lots of sex.
It's just that we can do it whenever we want.
- Even in the mornings?
- Yes.
- Or on Tuesdays?
- Yes.
Half eight on a Sunday night, if you like.
- "Monarch Of The Glen's" on then.
- Go to sleep!
Fine.
Gaz?
(CROAKS) Yeah?
If you have to do that, don't blurt it up my back.
My secret admirer. Who are you?
Who do I know who smells of paper?
- What do you want this time?
- (TINKLY MUSIC STARTS)
# Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
# I know this much is true #
(GASPS) Oh, my God!
(COUGHS OVERTLY)
What?
(COUGHS AGAIN)
Jonny, have you turned gay?
- No, I'm doing my cough.
- Why?
Look at what you're doing. (COUGHS)
God. You still going on about giving up?
I'll do it tomorrow.
Janet, it stinks... and doesn't suit you at all.
Yes, it does. It makes me look big and clever.
Janet, look at yourself.
Look, you're like an angel.
A beautiful, blonde, hairy-legged angel.
Look, Jonny.
Heavenly clouds coming out of my mouth.
Then there's the cost. Five pounds a day,
seven days a week, fifty-two weeks a year.
That's 1,820 quid.
- How did you do that?
- I'm mathematically gifted.
It's both a joy and a curse.
- I know it's expensive, but...
- What about your health? And your stench?
- What are you talking about?
- In 20 years, you could be this dead thing.
- I'm not going to die, Jonny.
- It's just a bad investment, really, innit?
Jonny, I'll give up soon, OK?
Soon? When?
When we're married? When we have children?
Jonny, that's ages away.
That's like in ten years or something.
Look. Do you really want to leave all this behind?
Jonny. What are you doing?
I'm like the man from the poster,
the sensitive one with the baby and all that.
- Oh, yeah. Dead ringer.
- Try for me and little Corinthian.
- OK. I'll try not to smoke today.
- Good.
- But if I want one tomorrow, I'm having one.
- You'll do it for me, 'cause you love me.
Every cigarette takes five minutes off your life.
Why couldn't it have been this last five minutes?
See you later.
You are Gaz Wilkinson. A beast of a man.
You're strong. You're confident.
You're Gaz Wilkinson, and girls want to touch you.
- Gaz?
- Morning. Coffee's on.
- Who are you talking to?
- I was doing my self-affirming exercises.
Is it time for sex yet?
No. I've got to get ready.
- You said we could do it when we fancied it.
- I don't fancy it now with a beast of a man.
- Right. Want some toast?
- Yeah. That'd be great.
(COUNTS UNDER HIS BREATH)
- You're odd, Gaz.
- What's up?
You've got funny quirks
that I haven't seen before.
- You have little quirks too.
- Like what?
Like not wanting to have sex with your boyfriend.
That's not quirky, it's barbaric.
Why do you take the middle slice of bread?
I can't tell you.
Go on. I won't tell anyone. Why?
The others are haunted.
If you eat them, the ghost lives in your stomach.
- And what about the song?
- "Bringing In The Sheep"?
- That's the one.
- It's so I don't dream about sheep.
What's wrong with dreaming about sheep?
I'm scared of 'em.
You're scared of sheep?
But they're stupid. They can't harm you.
That's what they want you to think.
Have you never listened?
(BLEATS) Gaaaaaz! Gaaaaaz!
Join us, Gaaaaz!
You're being silly. You're talking nonsense.
It's just one of those things.
You learn a lot when you live together.
I'm scared of sheep. You're scared of sex.
- I'm not.
- Why won't you do it, then?
I will! We'll talk about it tonight.
Over a laaaaaaamb kebaaaaab!
(QUEEN ON STEREO) # I want to break free
# I want to break free
# I want to break free from our lives
# You're so self-satisfied, I don't need you
# I've got to break free
# God knows
# God knows I want to break free
# I've fallen in love
# I've fallen in love for the first time
# This time I know it's for real
# I've fallen in love... #
What is that smell?
I'm de-smokifying the house. It's air freshener.
No, not that one. It's...
Oh, it's you.
I don't know. You're a catalyst of stench.
- Louise. What are you doing here?
- I came to see my lovely friend Jonny.
But you're not my friend. You're a girl.
I mean, girls are fun, but they're scary,
like having a poo with a death-defying radius.
I am your friend. I don't like you,
respect you or want to look at you, but...
Ah-ah! Don't you dare. Do you know
how much I spent cleaning this carpet?
- No.
- Nothing. I did it with my own spittle. Just go.
I just came round for a chat. Isn't it nice of me?
OK. Um... Did you see the footie last night?
No. But I did watch a live circumcision
on the internet.
You'd like to talk about that,
being all male and willy-orientated and all?
Yes, because that's what us men
talk about all the time.
I'll often say over a pint,
"So, Gaz, how's your cock?"
Well, if you don't want to talk about that,
there's always the subject of me. Look.
(TINKLYMUSIC) # Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
# I know this much is true #
Well, that's just stupid.
At least if I send you a card, it trumps at you.
He wants me to meet him.
Do you think I should go?
He could be a murderer like my Auntie Nigel.
He could be like Prince Harry,
bad and rich with a corruptible older brother.
Er, Louise? (COUGHS)
You smoke, I choke.
Smoking kills. A dog is for life, etcetera.
- You should guide me in the right direction.
- You should just go away.
- You think I should meet him?
- Just go, you big chimbly!
Oh! That one was herbal.
So what? If you were going to get shot,
would you rather be shot by a gun or a carrot?
See? It makes no difference. Now get out.
Thanks, Jonny. So you're saying I should go.
Ah, you've been a friend. Mwa!
- Do you not listen?
- Not to you, no. Ciao.
- You know what makes me angry?
- What?
Everything.
- Are you OK?
- Yeah, I'm fine. Fine.
I'm perfectly pissing fine, you slag.
- Janet, have a fag.
- No, you evil temptress!
- Oh. You've given up smoking.
- For the bloody wedding.
Well, I'm proud of you.
When I tried, I turned into a right...
- Yeah, say it. Just you say it.
- I understand.
Have some of my barm.
- I'm so hungry.
- Why don't you chew gum?
- Why don't you chew gum?
- OK. Sorry. I'll go.
- I can see you're in a mood.
- It's the nicotine. I'll do some breathing.
- What do you want to talk about?
- It's Gaz...
Oh, it's always Gaz! What are you,
some sort of Gaz limb? Stupid twat.
- He has habits.
- Who cares?
He sings special songs to himself. It's just odd.
You think that's a problem?
Every night, Jonny bursts things
and asks me to smell them.
Well, he gives himself
life-affirming talks every morning
and wants sex all the time too.
Since you came, you've done this 18 times.
- Have I?
- Yes. No wonder no one likes you.
And you pull your ear lobes all the time.
You'll look like one of Sting's tribe.
- Am I really that annoying?
- We all are.
Living together is about ignoring the small stuff,
until you just want to murder Jonny.
- Forget that. I have to get back to work.
- Yeah. I need to... I need to...
get away from you, to be honest.
Still no luck finding a job?
No. I got Janet to quit smoking, though,
so that should save a few quid.
- How long's she not smoked for?
- About six hours.
(LAUGHS) You're in for a treat tonight.
- Why?
- It's hard giving up.
It just means not putting a cigarette
in your mouth and lighting it.
- I've been doing that for 20-odd years.
- She's addicted, in't she?
- So?
- So think of something you're addicted to.
- I know. Desiccated coconut.
- Have you got any?
No. But imagine if for the rest of your life
you weren't allowed
to touch desiccated coconut ever again.
Why are you saying these things to me?
I'm just saying she'll be a moody cow.
You'll have to buy her patches or a dolly.
Yeah. I don't want it to be like the old Janet.
- The old Janet?
- When we first moved in together.
She was all "pick up those towels",
"wipe your nose", "stop bringing me tramps".
I bet she stopped having sex with you and all.
No. Why would that ever happen? I'm Jonny.
Jonny the sex donkey.
Oh, right.
Why? Is Donna floating the love boat
down a dry river with a paddle made of... sand?
- Does that mean not having sex?
- Obviously.
Well, yeah. She's just tired
all the time or too busy.
Me wrists'll be bigger than me neck soon.
- Bloody hell. How long's this been going on?
- Over 12 hours.
- 12 hours?
- I know. It's a nightmare.
These overalls are tight anyway, never mind
when your balls are like spacehoppers.
- You don't think she's got bored of sex?
- What would I do if she did?
I'm scared, Jonny.
Scared and confused... with a constant semi.
You know how I'm getting
these patches to help Janet?
- Yeah.
- Maybe you should get Donna some...
you know, aids.
Have you ever tried any with Janet?
No. Did you not listen?
I'm Jonny. Jonny the sex donkey.
Eeyore.
- Oh, Louise.
- Hi, Donna. I was just looking for you.
I've got news of paramount importance.
My life is in danger.
(TINKLYMUSIC) # Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha... #
Oh, my God!
A Spandau Ballet bomb. Who's it from?
- I don't know. He wants to meet.
- Are you going?
- That's what I'm thinking of doing.
- He could be a psycho killer.
Or a Geri Halliwell fan.
Yeah. Anyways, what I was thinking
is that we should all go.
But it's tonight. And it's dangerous.
- So?
- So I was going to have sex tonight.
This is better than sex. You and Janet hide,
I'll meet him, and if he's going to kill me
you jump out and say, "Boo!"
- If only Tupac had done that.
- So you'll come?
No, it's dangerous. Tell the police.
Well, I'll go on my own.
If I die, my blood'll be on your hands,
like some terrible manicure forever!
- Look, you can't go on your own.
- Exactly.
Isn't emotional blackmail fun?
I'll go and tell Janet.
(INAUDIBLE)
Ha-ha!
(MUTTERS)
What's a multiple orgasm?
Must mean with two women.
One on each hand like mittens.
What's happened to my house?
It's all tidy and sweet-smelling!
I'm not a Walton, Jonny. I'm scum, OK? Scum.
Janet, sweetheart, I got you some patches.
Oh, really? Aren't you the most caring,
wonderful fart-arsed son of a bitch?
- I thought they'd help you give up.
- Jonny, this is me without cigarettes...
This is me with cigarettes...
Why would you want me to stop?
To save money for a nice wedding.
Yeah, but this isn't saving money.
These patches are 30 quid,
and you can't even get a drag.
- You'll die if you keep smoking.
- You'll die if I don't, so which is it?
- Just give the patches a try.
- They've got real nicotine in them?
Yeah. Look, I've even got one on.
They're quite trippy. I've been sick twice.
OK. I'll try it.
- I've got to stop Louise being murdered.
- Why did you come back first?
To drop those pasties off
and call you a sadistic little...
- Sex donkey?
- Don't, Jonny. I could snap you like a twig.
God! That was horny.
(STEREO) # What's your flava?
# Tell me what's your flava
- Right, then.
- # What's your flava?
# Tell me what's your flava
# What's your flava?
Tell me what's your flava #
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
OK, you two hide and I'll wait for him here.
- Fine.
- I'm full of hate.
Great. When he comes,
try not to look conspicuous, OK?
Be quick. If he's nice, signal, so I can go
and have sex before my vagina eats someone.
- There's someone coming.
- Is it him?
Hide!
- Janet?
- What?
- Am I really irritating?
- I've never liked you.
- Do you think Gaz has noticed?
- He thinks you're a div.
We didn't have sex this morning.
What do you think?
- You're a frigid boot.
- I'll make a real effort tonight.
- I'm going to bang his brains out.
- Shut up!
# Bringing in the sheep
# Bringing in the sheep
# What do we do before we sleep?
# We bring in all the sheep #
Louise. I didn't know if you'd come.
David?
David Fish?
Oh, my God. I haven't seen you since school.
You had that thing with your skin going on.
Mmm. I discovered Oil of Ulay.
How did you get so fit? Why the silly voice?
I've been in Melbourne for eight years.
Did they send you there for killing ladies?
No. My dad lives there.
Louise, I always remembered you,
with your lovely eyes
and your graceful way of spitting on my neck.
That's why I sent you the cards.
You see, the thing is, Louise...
(JANET SCREAMS)
- Janet, stop it!
- He's got a gun!
- No, he hasn't!
- I don't care!
Oh, my God. Is that David Fish?
And he's not crispy any more.
Is he dead?
(WHIRRS)
Gaz? I thought about...
Oh, my God!
All right, Donna? I was just having a sleep.
I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable
explanation for...
What's that oozing out of your pants?
- Pervert!
- No, wait, Donna!
I was just waiting for you. Donna! No, Donna!
Oh, man!
So I kick him in the head. It was brilliant.
Then I was going for an eye gouge,
but I had a better idea
and kicked him in the head again.
- That's nice.
- Now I want some really rough sex.
You're going to be my bitch.
- Did you try those patches?
- No.
Not smoking's cool.
It makes me into a fighting machine.
I could run forever then kick people in the head.
- Janet, sit down.
- I can't. I've got rage.
- You want some more pie? I do.
- No.
- Janet, darling.
- Yes?
- Here.
- Give it to me, you shit.
(RELIEVED) Oh!
Help!
- Aaargh!
- Aaargh!
Who are you? What are you doing to Gaz?
It's homoerotic!
- I never did it.
- Just forget her. She no longer exists.
- Why are you being like this?
- (SQUEALS)
At least I'd shaved down there.
Oh! I touched your shaven John Craven.
It makes me guts lurch!