Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 2, Episode 6 - Mo Mo and Pigsy - full transcript
Jonny is confused to wake up and find Donna bringing him tea in bed though he makes a miracle recovery and they go to Andy's house to look for Janet. She is not there but eventually both couples meet up in the Archer where there is general reconciliation and Jonny finally gives Janet an engagement ring. However,from its inscription 'Mo Mo and Pigsy' Janet realises that it is a family heirloom that Jonny stole from Andy's house.
♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
♪ I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it
♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger, now
♪Just think I'll wait a while
♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please!
♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪
- What's that?
- A cup of tea, Jonny.
- In that cup?
- Yeah. Why?
Janet makes me tea
in me jelly babies mug.
Well, Janet always wakes up with you.
- It was cold in bed last night.
- Ah. No one to snuggle up to?
No, I got so drunk last night,
I pissed the bed.
I couldn't be bothered flipping the mattress.
It was cold and quite clammy.
- You slept in your own filth?
- I'm single now. It's what we do.
- Well, I never did that.
- But you're a girl.
Girls are all clean and precise.
If you pissed the bed,
you'd have to take a shower this morning.
I would have scrubbed
till you could see my arteries, Jonny.
- Now you've left Gaz...
- I only lived with him for six hours.
It was great till he said I was harder
to live with than an erection at a funeral.
- I want him to accept me for who I am.
- Now he's back to living in squalor.
I bet he's there now, one finger
up his nose, the other picking his arse.
I don't think he'd deteriorate that quickly.
- Great shower.
- I could tell you liked it from what I saw.
- What?
- There's no lock on the bathroom door.
- That's why I wedged it shut with towels.
- Oh, towels, those great defenders (!)
- You came in?!
- Yeah, I needed a dump.
Gaz! You could've knocked.
I'd have got out for you.
- There's a fatal flaw in that plan.
- What's that?
- I'd have never got to see your norks.
- Gaz! You pervert! How dare you?!
- You can see me naked if you want.
- No, Gaz! Keep the pants on!
In fact, will you put some more clothes on?
- I will if you phone Jonny.
- Why should I?
Because he probably
thinks you're with that Andy.
- Well, let him.
- Pants coming off!
OK, OK. I won't phone him. I'll go round.
Gaz...
You want me to take 'em off now?
No. I was wondering if you'd come with me.
- Why?
- 'Cause I don't know what to say.
I don't know if we've got a future.
And I need to have a wank.
Donna'll be at her mum's.
What were you two fighting about?
Oh, we made this list about
what we wanted from living with each other.
Mm-mm! Where's the list you made?
I'm using it as a footstool.
Gaz! How big was Donna's list?
- Well, that's the problem.
- What?
Look at me! I'm just too perfect.
- Why don't you talk to her?
- I don't know where she is.
Shall I just stand in the High Street
shouting, "Janet! Janet!"
People'd keep asking
why I was selling "Janet".
- It's pretty obvious where she is, Jonny.
- I know. I don't know his address.
- I do. Go and talk to Andy.
- I can't.
- 'Course you can.
- What if he answers the door?
"Excuse me, mister.
Can I have my girlfriend back, please?"
- You're a coward if you don't.
- Why should I get her back, anyway?
If whenever I get huffy,
she runs to him, I'm not sure I want her.
Huffy? From what you said, you were acting,
in the words of Oscar Wilde, like a twat.
- Only because I wanted revenge.
- When is revenge a good idea?
Never, but it makes me feel
better than a big, tall... rabbit.
- Jonny?
- What?
Do you want me to come with you?
That'd be a great help if you could.
I'll hide in the bushes,
you knock on his door.
When he answers -
bang, bang, bang! - shoot him in the head.
- You haven't got a gun.
- I thought you might have one.
I can't knock on the door.
I can lend moral support, but that's all.
- But what if he answers?
- His mum might answer.
He lives with his mum? Ha-ha! I don't!
(KNOCK)
Come!
- Hello, Flo. How are you?
- Gary.
You look worn out. Sit down.
Would you like a massage?
That's kind, but no, it's all right.
- How about some sex?
- What?!
I'm just joking! God, you're easy!
Sit down. I'll make you a cup o' tea.
Do you know,
it's strange seein' you without Donna.
Were you just drawn to me, Gary?
'Cause that happens. I was in Kendall's,
and this man just wouldn't stop followin' me.
- His eyes were everywhere.
- It was the store detective.
- You got arrested for nicking tights.
- That girl's got such a gob on her.
- Where is she?
- Why you askin' me?
- You should know.
- Why?
She came here last night after our tiff.
She never did?
How much blue Bols did I drink last night?
So, you've not seen her?
- Not a peep.
- Where else would she go?
Gary, what was this little tiff about?
Oh, just about me being too perfect.
And during this little tiff,
you exposed her imperfections?
- Yeah, of course.
- My God, Gary.
- What have you done?
- What? What?
My Donna is a sensitive little flower.
One cruel remark and we could
be back to the... aardvark of fire incident.
No, it wasn't that bad...
- What aardvark of fire incident?
- You don't want to know.
But if you did, you'd never go
to Knowesly Safari Park again.
- I'm sure she's all right.
- How would you know?
You haven't seen her all night.
You've lost her!
- Not all night.
- How long?
Well, some of the night... An hour...
Not even that.
I think she just rolled off the bed.
- Nothing to worry about.
- I'm phoning the police.
There's always been something odd about you.
I'll find her! Honest!
I can't believe I've killed me girlfriend.
I swore there'd be
no more killin' after Shirley.
No, no. It was my amazing exploding frog.
Hi, love. It's me. Job done.
Oh, yeah, yeah. He thinks you're dead.
He's feeling guiltier
than a Catholic with a carrot up 'im.
Why are you
making me sit here? It's freezing.
I don't know. Just getting used
to doing things I did when I was single.
We only did this
because we couldn't get into the pubs.
I can't remember
what else I did before Jonny.
Well, we read the problems pages
in magazines, and the horoscopes...
and we lusted after Brian Harvey
from East 17. God, we were sick!
- Well, read my horoscope, then.
- Crabby crabster.
- Oh, my God!
- What?
It says, "You will have conflict with your
partner over a person from your past."
- Really?
- "Act now to avoid further conflict."
Honest to God? What does yours say?
Taurus... "You'll be forced
to comfort a friend in need this week.
"Do not let her man troubles
interfere with your heavy work schedule."
- God, this is spooky!
- You don't have a heavy work schedule.
I have a 500-word essay due in a year.
Well, that horoscope stuff's
just a load of bollocks, anyway, Louise.
No. It even says you should
take a good look in the mirror.
- Should I?
- Yeah, you have bacon bits in your teeth.
- Oh, thanks.
- I'm going to prove it to you.
Horoscopes are pure hard facts.
I'm gonna look at yours and Jonny's
star signs and figure out what went wrong.
Other than you
slagging it up behind his back.
Mum? Mum?
Donna, you live in a palace.
You've got a zester!
I've always wanted one of them.
- I'll find me address book, then we can go.
- Donna?
Ooh, you've brought me a present.
- What?
- He's skinny, but I bet he's got stamina.
That's Jonny, Janet's boyfriend.
You're taken? Oh, well. Never mind.
Tell me, Jonny,
have you ever experienced an older woman?
What the hell are you?!
Floella Henshaw, Donna's mother.
Don't tell me. I know - we look like sisters.
Tell me, Jonny,
have you ever experienced sisters?
Donna, is she all right?
- She has got a crazed look in her eye.
- I like Gary better.
- It's upstairs on the landing by the phone.
- Right.
Has Gaz been back since?
No, but he'll know not to mess
with the Henshaw women again.
- You didn't go too far?
- No. Course of Prozac,
a couple of years'
intensive counselling, be right as rain.
Sit down, Jonny.
I think I might stay here...
or... or go outside.
Sit, Jonny!
I like your, erm...
I like your lino. It's cool.
Thank you.
- Mrs Henshaw?
- Yes, love?
- Could you take your hand off my crotch?
- Sorry, I didn't realise I was doing that.
I've never felt fear like this before,
so I'm gonna move slowly away.
Oh, fine. You're scared of women.
Listen, from what I felt,
you couldn't satisfy a mouse's ear anyway.
- I've got it. Thanks, Mum.
- You must come again, love.
We had a lovely chat.
You must bring more nice young men home.
Mum, you're so daft.
She's just teasin', Jonny.
- She is a deviant!
- Thank you!
- Is he a big lad?
- It depends on what you mean by big.
Big compared to you
or big compared to a kidney bean?
- Er, a kidney bean.
- Oh, he's massive.
- OK, me.
- Oh, he's massive.
- Could I take him?
- Just don't go in all cocky. Be polite...
and if he gives you the look,
run for your life.
"The look"? Well, I've got a look. See?
I wouldn't do that. You just look backward.
I'm gonna barge in
and demand to know where Janet is.
OK. Go on.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Go! Go!
- What?
- I'm not goin'! I'm frightened!
Shh!
Hello?
Anybody there?
(MUTTERING)
Oi, mate, did you just ring my doorbell?
Erm, y-yes. Yes, I did. And, erm...
...and then the wind blew me back...
here behind this wall.
- What can I help you with?
- Nothin', actually. Bye.
Ow!
- You all right, mate?
- Yeah, a scabby old mongrel bit me.
- Hold on a minute. You're Jonny, in't you?
- Yes, actually. Yes, I am.
- Janet's boyfriend.
- Give her back! Give her back!
- You know, don't you?
- What? What do I know?
That you're a big girlfriend-stealing twat
who has to snog other people's girlfriends?
- Yeah, that.
- Yeah, I do know, actually.
And I know you've got her
in your castle of lust,
feeding her
phallic strawberries and suchlike.
You think strawberries are phallic, mate?
Yeah, well... Give her back! Give her back!
She's not here. I wish she was and I wish
you were dead, but neither's true.
- Look for yourself.
- I'm not falling for that.
You want me in there so you can kick me
and beat me... and bind my feet.
I'm a lover not a fighter, Jonny.
You see,
now there's no way I'm comin' in there.
Who's that?
- Hello.
- And what are you doin' there?
I dropped my Toffee Crisp wrapper.
I collect them.
- Jonny?
- He's not here.
- How do you know?
- Because Cancerian men are elusive.
- So where is he, then?
- Well, let's see.
Girlfriend snogs other man.
Girlfriend runs off with other man.
Girlfriend tactlessly spends
the afternoon with mate getting pissed.
Hmm... Cancerian men are very sensitive.
I'd say he's topped himself.
Louise! No, he'd never do that.
- He hates the sight of blood.
- Just like his star sign.
You don't have to slit your wrists.
He could have jumped off the bridge.
No, he hates people doing that.
All the traffic. He shouts for them to jump.
- He could have taken pills.
- We don't have any pills.
We have got evening primrose capsules,
but they wouldn't kill you.
No, but he'd grow a great pair of breasts.
He could have hung himself.
God! Why did I say that?
Oh! Have you got the image in your head now -
Jonny swinging solitary in a barn...
...his bloated tongue lolling,
eyeballs rolled up inside his head?
- Louise!
- You'll never get rid of that image now.
Even if he is found alive,
that's how you'll picture him.
Until one day the image drives you insane,
and you recreate it for real
in an old disused warehouse.
Oh, my God. I feel sick. What if something
has happened to him, Louise?
Bollocks. When did I last say
I loved him? We've got to find him.
- He might be looking for you.
- Do you think?
No, he's definitely dead.
Oh, God. I feel so stupid.
Jonny was right to be upset.
I should've let him calm down.
- Donna? Have you seen Donna?
- Have you seen Jonny?
Ooh! A double suicide!
Donna's mum thinks
I pushed her over the edge.
Over the edge of where?
Did you kill Jonny, too?
No, you small, scary,
overly well-groomed thing.
Over the edge of insanity.
Do you know
about the aardvark of fire incident?
- No, what's that?
- Something they never talk about.
What? Like the Grandad
euthanasia incident in my family.
Louise, you're scaring everyone now. Go home.
OK. What's your star sign, Gaz?
Aries. It's an anagram of "raise",
as in "raising" to the occasion...
No Gaz, you rise to the occasion.
I certainly do.
And what was Donna's star sign?
Don't know. Mind,
I don't know how old Donna is.
Christ! She could be 30!
- She's a Taurus, Louise. Same as you.
- Taurus and Aries, eh?
This could spell...
disaster!
There's something very wrong with that girl.
Come on, Gaz.
What we gonna do? I'm so scared.
My boyfriend's vanished.
Your girlfriend's vanished. We're all alone.
Yep. We're all alone.
Alone and horny.
Gaz, I just wanna find Jonny
and apologise. I'm not horny.
You haven't done it for three days. From what
Jonny says, that's a long time in your book.
- What book?
- The book of sex.
Gaz, you disgust me.
I'd rather sleep with a syphilitic goat.
- Ooh, you're insatiable.
- Come on, Gaz. Concentrate.
I'm really worried.
I need to find Jonny. Where might they be?
- Canada?
- What?
- I don't know. I'm worried.
- You weren't a minute ago.
Men can detach themselves from
all emotions if there's a sniff of a quickie.
- Jonny doesn't.
- Yes, well...
he's got homosexual tendencies.
- Maybe they're in the pub.
- Good idea. Let's go.
- You just want a pint.
- Good idea. Let's go.
Come on.
- What's that?
- Just a painting I'm working on.
(COUGHS) Wanker!
Oh, my God!
Look at this jewellery. It's like billions
of pounds waiting for me to steal.
Yeah. Don't.
Anyway, it's mostly costume jewellery.
- Except for this.
- That's gorgeous.
(MOCKINGLY) "That's gorgeous!"
My grandmother's wedding ring.
Before that, her mother's.
She pawned it to get here from Ireland.
My grandfather spent years tracking it down.
It's inscribed, though, see?
"From Mo Mo to Pigsy with love."
- That's so romantic.
- "That's so romantic!" Let me see.
- Stop it.
- Anyway, you can see Janet in't here.
(WHINY VOICE)
"Anyway, you can see Janet in't here."
- I don't even talk like that.
- Well, I wish you did.
Then you wouldn't steal other people's
girlfriends. Sure, they'd fancy you,
but then you'd just go,
(WHINY VOICE) Hello.
I'm Andy and I love you.
I never stole Janet off you.
You stole her off me.
- No.
- She were seeing me when she met you.
That's true.
When she said to me, when we split up...
that she'd met someone else...
(SOBS) and that
this time it were true love...
Hey, are you all right?
I'll be fine.
Is that hanky your granny's as well?
I knew I couldn't keep her.
She were just too precious, too special.
She could swallow a whole banana without
chewin'. You can't buy class like that.
I-I know. Andy, stop cryin', mate.
- I can't. Group hug?
- Let's not.
OK. You've seen she's not here.
Look, nobody could ever
steal Janet off you, Jonny.
God knows why,
but you're the love of her life.
Now go and find her, yeah?
- So... So she's definitely not here?
- No!
- And she doesn't love you?
- No! Now get out me house!
You're creating dust.
- I knew you'd be here.
- Was it in the stars, Louise?
No, I just followed the smell
of stale fags and bed sweat.
- Have you seen Jonny or Donna?
- No, but I've studied your charts,
and I can tell you
what happens to each relationship.
Is it bad news?
I haven't had enough lately (!)
- Well, you're in luck. You and Jonny...
- Yeah?
...will split up,
you'll marry the gay one from Hear'Say
and come shopping to Sainsbury's
with me and the other elite.
- And Jonny?
- Well, if Jonny isn't dead,
then he's going to go on tour
with Debbie McGee's Ballet Imaginaire.
He will pierce himself all over
and marry a Croatian lap-dancer in Wigan.
- Will me and Donna still be together?
- No, Gaz.
You're going to get fat.
- That's it?
- Well, that's what the stars say.
- Blown it wi' Donna, haven't I?
- I've blown it with Jonny, too, mate.
I can't believe I meet the girl of my dreams
and screw up over some bloody list
of things I could change in myself.
I feel really bad.
I've got the love of my life hating me
over some stupid, lager-breathed kiss.
I feel worse.
What we gonna do?
We've ruined it for everyone.
If only you and Donna
could go back to being a rubbish couple,
- and me and Jonny could...
- Hello.
Jonny! Where've you been?
I've been so worried. I'm so sorry.
- Jonny, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry, too.
What happened? I thought you were dead!
I've missed you. I have, you know.
All right. You've been punished enough.
I looked everywhere! Even in me soul.
Tosser!
What's going on? Stop!
You're disobeying the stars!
- God, can we just forget about all this?
- You can't.
Let's just stop thinking and start drinking.
You're so clever making
"thinking" and "drinking" rhyme like that.
Useless, all of you! Not one of you acted
like the stars said you would. Not one.
- Louise, get a life.
- Stop interfering. We're happy.
- Get your own relationship to mess with.
- Fine.
I'll find someone else to hang around with.
And my new friend
won't use Dairylea as a sex aid... Janet.
Well, there's something
very wrong with that girl.
Yeah.
- Oh, Louise.
- Well, hello, Andy.
(PURRS)
Did you two make lists when you got together?
Yeah, things like "buy Sugar Puffs"
and "need marshmallows".
Not shopping lists,
things that you needed from each other.
Those were the things we needed from
each other, Sugar Puffs and marshmallows.
What's Gaz gonna do with that huge list?
He doesn't know it yet,
but I'm going to make him eat it.
Look what I've got for you!
- What's this?
- Just summat to add to me list.
Gaz, I thought we said no more demands?
- It's just summat I want you to do for me.
- If this says "anal sex"...
Read it!
"Don't change."
Oh, Gaz.
You can have the keys
to my bottom whenever you want.
- Why are you still standing?
- I've got the keys to your bottom! Come on!
- They didn't finish their drinks.
- Well, would you?
- You would, wouldn't you?
- You do have to be well lubricated.
Janet, you know the most amazing things,
and that is why I love you.
I love you, too.
Janet, can I ask you a question?
Oh, Jonny, for the last time, Andy
didn't touch your two missiles of jubbly.
No, no. It's not that. It's just, erm...
- Janet...
- Oh, my God!
Will you marry me?
Jonny, it's beautiful.
Who the fuck are Mo Mo and Pigsy?!
♪ Every time I try and rise above
♪ I'm swept away by love
♪ Baby, I can't help it
♪ You keep me drowning in your love...
♪ You keep me drowning in your love
♪ Oh, I need you
to keep me drowning in your love
♪ Baby, I can't help it
♪ I can't help it, no, no
♪ Every time I breathe, I take you in
♪ And my heart beats again
♪ Baby, I can't help it
♪ I'm drowning in your love
♪ Every time I try to rise above
♪ I'm swept away by love
♪ Baby, I can't help it
♪ I'm drowning in your love ♪
♪ I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it
♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger, now
♪Just think I'll wait a while
♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please!
♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪
- What's that?
- A cup of tea, Jonny.
- In that cup?
- Yeah. Why?
Janet makes me tea
in me jelly babies mug.
Well, Janet always wakes up with you.
- It was cold in bed last night.
- Ah. No one to snuggle up to?
No, I got so drunk last night,
I pissed the bed.
I couldn't be bothered flipping the mattress.
It was cold and quite clammy.
- You slept in your own filth?
- I'm single now. It's what we do.
- Well, I never did that.
- But you're a girl.
Girls are all clean and precise.
If you pissed the bed,
you'd have to take a shower this morning.
I would have scrubbed
till you could see my arteries, Jonny.
- Now you've left Gaz...
- I only lived with him for six hours.
It was great till he said I was harder
to live with than an erection at a funeral.
- I want him to accept me for who I am.
- Now he's back to living in squalor.
I bet he's there now, one finger
up his nose, the other picking his arse.
I don't think he'd deteriorate that quickly.
- Great shower.
- I could tell you liked it from what I saw.
- What?
- There's no lock on the bathroom door.
- That's why I wedged it shut with towels.
- Oh, towels, those great defenders (!)
- You came in?!
- Yeah, I needed a dump.
Gaz! You could've knocked.
I'd have got out for you.
- There's a fatal flaw in that plan.
- What's that?
- I'd have never got to see your norks.
- Gaz! You pervert! How dare you?!
- You can see me naked if you want.
- No, Gaz! Keep the pants on!
In fact, will you put some more clothes on?
- I will if you phone Jonny.
- Why should I?
Because he probably
thinks you're with that Andy.
- Well, let him.
- Pants coming off!
OK, OK. I won't phone him. I'll go round.
Gaz...
You want me to take 'em off now?
No. I was wondering if you'd come with me.
- Why?
- 'Cause I don't know what to say.
I don't know if we've got a future.
And I need to have a wank.
Donna'll be at her mum's.
What were you two fighting about?
Oh, we made this list about
what we wanted from living with each other.
Mm-mm! Where's the list you made?
I'm using it as a footstool.
Gaz! How big was Donna's list?
- Well, that's the problem.
- What?
Look at me! I'm just too perfect.
- Why don't you talk to her?
- I don't know where she is.
Shall I just stand in the High Street
shouting, "Janet! Janet!"
People'd keep asking
why I was selling "Janet".
- It's pretty obvious where she is, Jonny.
- I know. I don't know his address.
- I do. Go and talk to Andy.
- I can't.
- 'Course you can.
- What if he answers the door?
"Excuse me, mister.
Can I have my girlfriend back, please?"
- You're a coward if you don't.
- Why should I get her back, anyway?
If whenever I get huffy,
she runs to him, I'm not sure I want her.
Huffy? From what you said, you were acting,
in the words of Oscar Wilde, like a twat.
- Only because I wanted revenge.
- When is revenge a good idea?
Never, but it makes me feel
better than a big, tall... rabbit.
- Jonny?
- What?
Do you want me to come with you?
That'd be a great help if you could.
I'll hide in the bushes,
you knock on his door.
When he answers -
bang, bang, bang! - shoot him in the head.
- You haven't got a gun.
- I thought you might have one.
I can't knock on the door.
I can lend moral support, but that's all.
- But what if he answers?
- His mum might answer.
He lives with his mum? Ha-ha! I don't!
(KNOCK)
Come!
- Hello, Flo. How are you?
- Gary.
You look worn out. Sit down.
Would you like a massage?
That's kind, but no, it's all right.
- How about some sex?
- What?!
I'm just joking! God, you're easy!
Sit down. I'll make you a cup o' tea.
Do you know,
it's strange seein' you without Donna.
Were you just drawn to me, Gary?
'Cause that happens. I was in Kendall's,
and this man just wouldn't stop followin' me.
- His eyes were everywhere.
- It was the store detective.
- You got arrested for nicking tights.
- That girl's got such a gob on her.
- Where is she?
- Why you askin' me?
- You should know.
- Why?
She came here last night after our tiff.
She never did?
How much blue Bols did I drink last night?
So, you've not seen her?
- Not a peep.
- Where else would she go?
Gary, what was this little tiff about?
Oh, just about me being too perfect.
And during this little tiff,
you exposed her imperfections?
- Yeah, of course.
- My God, Gary.
- What have you done?
- What? What?
My Donna is a sensitive little flower.
One cruel remark and we could
be back to the... aardvark of fire incident.
No, it wasn't that bad...
- What aardvark of fire incident?
- You don't want to know.
But if you did, you'd never go
to Knowesly Safari Park again.
- I'm sure she's all right.
- How would you know?
You haven't seen her all night.
You've lost her!
- Not all night.
- How long?
Well, some of the night... An hour...
Not even that.
I think she just rolled off the bed.
- Nothing to worry about.
- I'm phoning the police.
There's always been something odd about you.
I'll find her! Honest!
I can't believe I've killed me girlfriend.
I swore there'd be
no more killin' after Shirley.
No, no. It was my amazing exploding frog.
Hi, love. It's me. Job done.
Oh, yeah, yeah. He thinks you're dead.
He's feeling guiltier
than a Catholic with a carrot up 'im.
Why are you
making me sit here? It's freezing.
I don't know. Just getting used
to doing things I did when I was single.
We only did this
because we couldn't get into the pubs.
I can't remember
what else I did before Jonny.
Well, we read the problems pages
in magazines, and the horoscopes...
and we lusted after Brian Harvey
from East 17. God, we were sick!
- Well, read my horoscope, then.
- Crabby crabster.
- Oh, my God!
- What?
It says, "You will have conflict with your
partner over a person from your past."
- Really?
- "Act now to avoid further conflict."
Honest to God? What does yours say?
Taurus... "You'll be forced
to comfort a friend in need this week.
"Do not let her man troubles
interfere with your heavy work schedule."
- God, this is spooky!
- You don't have a heavy work schedule.
I have a 500-word essay due in a year.
Well, that horoscope stuff's
just a load of bollocks, anyway, Louise.
No. It even says you should
take a good look in the mirror.
- Should I?
- Yeah, you have bacon bits in your teeth.
- Oh, thanks.
- I'm going to prove it to you.
Horoscopes are pure hard facts.
I'm gonna look at yours and Jonny's
star signs and figure out what went wrong.
Other than you
slagging it up behind his back.
Mum? Mum?
Donna, you live in a palace.
You've got a zester!
I've always wanted one of them.
- I'll find me address book, then we can go.
- Donna?
Ooh, you've brought me a present.
- What?
- He's skinny, but I bet he's got stamina.
That's Jonny, Janet's boyfriend.
You're taken? Oh, well. Never mind.
Tell me, Jonny,
have you ever experienced an older woman?
What the hell are you?!
Floella Henshaw, Donna's mother.
Don't tell me. I know - we look like sisters.
Tell me, Jonny,
have you ever experienced sisters?
Donna, is she all right?
- She has got a crazed look in her eye.
- I like Gary better.
- It's upstairs on the landing by the phone.
- Right.
Has Gaz been back since?
No, but he'll know not to mess
with the Henshaw women again.
- You didn't go too far?
- No. Course of Prozac,
a couple of years'
intensive counselling, be right as rain.
Sit down, Jonny.
I think I might stay here...
or... or go outside.
Sit, Jonny!
I like your, erm...
I like your lino. It's cool.
Thank you.
- Mrs Henshaw?
- Yes, love?
- Could you take your hand off my crotch?
- Sorry, I didn't realise I was doing that.
I've never felt fear like this before,
so I'm gonna move slowly away.
Oh, fine. You're scared of women.
Listen, from what I felt,
you couldn't satisfy a mouse's ear anyway.
- I've got it. Thanks, Mum.
- You must come again, love.
We had a lovely chat.
You must bring more nice young men home.
Mum, you're so daft.
She's just teasin', Jonny.
- She is a deviant!
- Thank you!
- Is he a big lad?
- It depends on what you mean by big.
Big compared to you
or big compared to a kidney bean?
- Er, a kidney bean.
- Oh, he's massive.
- OK, me.
- Oh, he's massive.
- Could I take him?
- Just don't go in all cocky. Be polite...
and if he gives you the look,
run for your life.
"The look"? Well, I've got a look. See?
I wouldn't do that. You just look backward.
I'm gonna barge in
and demand to know where Janet is.
OK. Go on.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Go! Go!
- What?
- I'm not goin'! I'm frightened!
Shh!
Hello?
Anybody there?
(MUTTERING)
Oi, mate, did you just ring my doorbell?
Erm, y-yes. Yes, I did. And, erm...
...and then the wind blew me back...
here behind this wall.
- What can I help you with?
- Nothin', actually. Bye.
Ow!
- You all right, mate?
- Yeah, a scabby old mongrel bit me.
- Hold on a minute. You're Jonny, in't you?
- Yes, actually. Yes, I am.
- Janet's boyfriend.
- Give her back! Give her back!
- You know, don't you?
- What? What do I know?
That you're a big girlfriend-stealing twat
who has to snog other people's girlfriends?
- Yeah, that.
- Yeah, I do know, actually.
And I know you've got her
in your castle of lust,
feeding her
phallic strawberries and suchlike.
You think strawberries are phallic, mate?
Yeah, well... Give her back! Give her back!
She's not here. I wish she was and I wish
you were dead, but neither's true.
- Look for yourself.
- I'm not falling for that.
You want me in there so you can kick me
and beat me... and bind my feet.
I'm a lover not a fighter, Jonny.
You see,
now there's no way I'm comin' in there.
Who's that?
- Hello.
- And what are you doin' there?
I dropped my Toffee Crisp wrapper.
I collect them.
- Jonny?
- He's not here.
- How do you know?
- Because Cancerian men are elusive.
- So where is he, then?
- Well, let's see.
Girlfriend snogs other man.
Girlfriend runs off with other man.
Girlfriend tactlessly spends
the afternoon with mate getting pissed.
Hmm... Cancerian men are very sensitive.
I'd say he's topped himself.
Louise! No, he'd never do that.
- He hates the sight of blood.
- Just like his star sign.
You don't have to slit your wrists.
He could have jumped off the bridge.
No, he hates people doing that.
All the traffic. He shouts for them to jump.
- He could have taken pills.
- We don't have any pills.
We have got evening primrose capsules,
but they wouldn't kill you.
No, but he'd grow a great pair of breasts.
He could have hung himself.
God! Why did I say that?
Oh! Have you got the image in your head now -
Jonny swinging solitary in a barn...
...his bloated tongue lolling,
eyeballs rolled up inside his head?
- Louise!
- You'll never get rid of that image now.
Even if he is found alive,
that's how you'll picture him.
Until one day the image drives you insane,
and you recreate it for real
in an old disused warehouse.
Oh, my God. I feel sick. What if something
has happened to him, Louise?
Bollocks. When did I last say
I loved him? We've got to find him.
- He might be looking for you.
- Do you think?
No, he's definitely dead.
Oh, God. I feel so stupid.
Jonny was right to be upset.
I should've let him calm down.
- Donna? Have you seen Donna?
- Have you seen Jonny?
Ooh! A double suicide!
Donna's mum thinks
I pushed her over the edge.
Over the edge of where?
Did you kill Jonny, too?
No, you small, scary,
overly well-groomed thing.
Over the edge of insanity.
Do you know
about the aardvark of fire incident?
- No, what's that?
- Something they never talk about.
What? Like the Grandad
euthanasia incident in my family.
Louise, you're scaring everyone now. Go home.
OK. What's your star sign, Gaz?
Aries. It's an anagram of "raise",
as in "raising" to the occasion...
No Gaz, you rise to the occasion.
I certainly do.
And what was Donna's star sign?
Don't know. Mind,
I don't know how old Donna is.
Christ! She could be 30!
- She's a Taurus, Louise. Same as you.
- Taurus and Aries, eh?
This could spell...
disaster!
There's something very wrong with that girl.
Come on, Gaz.
What we gonna do? I'm so scared.
My boyfriend's vanished.
Your girlfriend's vanished. We're all alone.
Yep. We're all alone.
Alone and horny.
Gaz, I just wanna find Jonny
and apologise. I'm not horny.
You haven't done it for three days. From what
Jonny says, that's a long time in your book.
- What book?
- The book of sex.
Gaz, you disgust me.
I'd rather sleep with a syphilitic goat.
- Ooh, you're insatiable.
- Come on, Gaz. Concentrate.
I'm really worried.
I need to find Jonny. Where might they be?
- Canada?
- What?
- I don't know. I'm worried.
- You weren't a minute ago.
Men can detach themselves from
all emotions if there's a sniff of a quickie.
- Jonny doesn't.
- Yes, well...
he's got homosexual tendencies.
- Maybe they're in the pub.
- Good idea. Let's go.
- You just want a pint.
- Good idea. Let's go.
Come on.
- What's that?
- Just a painting I'm working on.
(COUGHS) Wanker!
Oh, my God!
Look at this jewellery. It's like billions
of pounds waiting for me to steal.
Yeah. Don't.
Anyway, it's mostly costume jewellery.
- Except for this.
- That's gorgeous.
(MOCKINGLY) "That's gorgeous!"
My grandmother's wedding ring.
Before that, her mother's.
She pawned it to get here from Ireland.
My grandfather spent years tracking it down.
It's inscribed, though, see?
"From Mo Mo to Pigsy with love."
- That's so romantic.
- "That's so romantic!" Let me see.
- Stop it.
- Anyway, you can see Janet in't here.
(WHINY VOICE)
"Anyway, you can see Janet in't here."
- I don't even talk like that.
- Well, I wish you did.
Then you wouldn't steal other people's
girlfriends. Sure, they'd fancy you,
but then you'd just go,
(WHINY VOICE) Hello.
I'm Andy and I love you.
I never stole Janet off you.
You stole her off me.
- No.
- She were seeing me when she met you.
That's true.
When she said to me, when we split up...
that she'd met someone else...
(SOBS) and that
this time it were true love...
Hey, are you all right?
I'll be fine.
Is that hanky your granny's as well?
I knew I couldn't keep her.
She were just too precious, too special.
She could swallow a whole banana without
chewin'. You can't buy class like that.
I-I know. Andy, stop cryin', mate.
- I can't. Group hug?
- Let's not.
OK. You've seen she's not here.
Look, nobody could ever
steal Janet off you, Jonny.
God knows why,
but you're the love of her life.
Now go and find her, yeah?
- So... So she's definitely not here?
- No!
- And she doesn't love you?
- No! Now get out me house!
You're creating dust.
- I knew you'd be here.
- Was it in the stars, Louise?
No, I just followed the smell
of stale fags and bed sweat.
- Have you seen Jonny or Donna?
- No, but I've studied your charts,
and I can tell you
what happens to each relationship.
Is it bad news?
I haven't had enough lately (!)
- Well, you're in luck. You and Jonny...
- Yeah?
...will split up,
you'll marry the gay one from Hear'Say
and come shopping to Sainsbury's
with me and the other elite.
- And Jonny?
- Well, if Jonny isn't dead,
then he's going to go on tour
with Debbie McGee's Ballet Imaginaire.
He will pierce himself all over
and marry a Croatian lap-dancer in Wigan.
- Will me and Donna still be together?
- No, Gaz.
You're going to get fat.
- That's it?
- Well, that's what the stars say.
- Blown it wi' Donna, haven't I?
- I've blown it with Jonny, too, mate.
I can't believe I meet the girl of my dreams
and screw up over some bloody list
of things I could change in myself.
I feel really bad.
I've got the love of my life hating me
over some stupid, lager-breathed kiss.
I feel worse.
What we gonna do?
We've ruined it for everyone.
If only you and Donna
could go back to being a rubbish couple,
- and me and Jonny could...
- Hello.
Jonny! Where've you been?
I've been so worried. I'm so sorry.
- Jonny, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry, too.
What happened? I thought you were dead!
I've missed you. I have, you know.
All right. You've been punished enough.
I looked everywhere! Even in me soul.
Tosser!
What's going on? Stop!
You're disobeying the stars!
- God, can we just forget about all this?
- You can't.
Let's just stop thinking and start drinking.
You're so clever making
"thinking" and "drinking" rhyme like that.
Useless, all of you! Not one of you acted
like the stars said you would. Not one.
- Louise, get a life.
- Stop interfering. We're happy.
- Get your own relationship to mess with.
- Fine.
I'll find someone else to hang around with.
And my new friend
won't use Dairylea as a sex aid... Janet.
Well, there's something
very wrong with that girl.
Yeah.
- Oh, Louise.
- Well, hello, Andy.
(PURRS)
Did you two make lists when you got together?
Yeah, things like "buy Sugar Puffs"
and "need marshmallows".
Not shopping lists,
things that you needed from each other.
Those were the things we needed from
each other, Sugar Puffs and marshmallows.
What's Gaz gonna do with that huge list?
He doesn't know it yet,
but I'm going to make him eat it.
Look what I've got for you!
- What's this?
- Just summat to add to me list.
Gaz, I thought we said no more demands?
- It's just summat I want you to do for me.
- If this says "anal sex"...
Read it!
"Don't change."
Oh, Gaz.
You can have the keys
to my bottom whenever you want.
- Why are you still standing?
- I've got the keys to your bottom! Come on!
- They didn't finish their drinks.
- Well, would you?
- You would, wouldn't you?
- You do have to be well lubricated.
Janet, you know the most amazing things,
and that is why I love you.
I love you, too.
Janet, can I ask you a question?
Oh, Jonny, for the last time, Andy
didn't touch your two missiles of jubbly.
No, no. It's not that. It's just, erm...
- Janet...
- Oh, my God!
Will you marry me?
Jonny, it's beautiful.
Who the fuck are Mo Mo and Pigsy?!
♪ Every time I try and rise above
♪ I'm swept away by love
♪ Baby, I can't help it
♪ You keep me drowning in your love...
♪ You keep me drowning in your love
♪ Oh, I need you
to keep me drowning in your love
♪ Baby, I can't help it
♪ I can't help it, no, no
♪ Every time I breathe, I take you in
♪ And my heart beats again
♪ Baby, I can't help it
♪ I'm drowning in your love
♪ Every time I try to rise above
♪ I'm swept away by love
♪ Baby, I can't help it
♪ I'm drowning in your love ♪