Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 2, Episode 5 - Crusty Curtains - full transcript

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger, now

♪Just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please!

♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪

- Right. Is that everything?
- Everything from mum's.

My clothes are still at Janet and Jonny's.
Mum's got my collection of bulbous fruit.

- You collect them, as well?!
- This is amazing! Where do you keep 'em?

I don't because it's sad.

We'll have to establish some ground rules.



I can't have handicapped fruit in the house.

I don't want to live here
if you're giving me rules.

- Don't you think that's a bit selfish?
- Yeah.

Doesn't that also give me
licence to do what I like?

- I suppose so.
- And I'm capable of more disgusting things.

You do wipe your knob
on the curtains after sex.

Right. So wouldn't life be easier
with a bit of give and take?

OK. I'll leave the fruit
if you stop the crusty curtains act.

Donna... that's just the beginning.

What else? I'm perfect in every other way.

- You smoke.
- That's who I am. It's in my blood.

Yes, and in your hair
and clothes. You stink, Donna.

You smell like a big rancid pond.

- Well, I know how I'll die.
- You can't light up in the flat.



- Not even in the bathroom?
- Christ, no!

If I've had curry, we'll end up in Wigan!

All right. I'll go out on the fire escape.

Good. Compromise is good.
We're a good couple.

I'll go out there to smoke,
if you go out there to fart.

I can't! It'll take all the fun out of it!

What about in winter? It could freeze.
I'd have an icicle stuck out me arse!

- It'd melt eventually.
- What would the neighbours say?

"Every time he comes outside, he farts."

- All right! This is getting us nowhere.
- I've got an idea.

- What?
- We'll each write a list.

- What kind?
- Like a list of demands.

Housework we don't like,
habits we want rid of...

Won't that just highlight
the flaws in our relationship?

No, we'll see which ones we agree on,
and the others we'll compromise on.

From that little acorn,
a mighty oak of a relationship will grow.

Well, it's them cover stories.
"Mother and daughter, together at last."

"Me breasts are trying to kill me."
I thought it was porn.

I know you're awake.
You're not breathing like a rhinoceros.

Jonny, can we talk about this?

You went off shagging your ex-boyfriend
while I was dying. What else is there?

Unless you've got more secrets. Have
you buggered a baby seal with a Dynarod?

First, I was not shaggin' my ex-boyfriend.

Sorry, you were shoving your tongue
down his throat in front of my best mate.

- Classy bird.
- No, it wasn't like that.

- He shoved his tongue down MY throat!
- Oh, then, may all be forgiven (!)

You weren't dying. You had stomach flu.

Oh, that's why
you had to get off with someone?

Can't you go without it for five minutes?

- Jonny, please...
- You must be in heat. What you up to today?

Baring your arse to passing lorry drivers?

Or nipping to Tesco's
to hump a trolley dolly?

- Jonny, let's talk about this.
- Drink your tea.

Try not to orgasm all over it.

Jonny, please! Just listen.
We need to talk this through.

I can't. You've got work,
and I've got another pointless interview,

where I'll be passed over for some
girlfriend-snogging arsehole with a Saab.

- It's a Lexus.
- What?

- He's got a Lexus.
- I'm sorry, Janet.

I might be mistaken,
but did you just kick me in the bollocks?

- That's what it felt like.
- I'm sorry, Jonny. Honestly, I am.

- Sorry you cheated or sorry I found out?
- Both.

I don't think you'd have found out otherwise,
and it wouldn't have happened again.

- Not unless I was really drunk, anyway.
- So you were drunk?

Yes. I was drunk. I thought
it was a muscly, rich version of you.

So you'll never touch another drink again?

- No.
- Not even half a cold Stella on a hot day...

the gentle breeze blowing through your hair,
and as you lift the chilled glass,

you'll say, "No. No.

"For I am Janet. I will not drink this,
as it turns me into a filthy tart."

- OK, I wasn't drunk.
- You thought you'd throw away three years

for some pathetic snog with an old boyfriend.

No, but it was pathetic,
and it didn't mean anything.

- He didn't even feel my bum.
- I'm goin' out.

- Jonny, just wait a minute!
- I've gotta think. I don't know what to do.

I'll see you later. Don't try and kiss me.
I'd rather kiss a salty old condom.

(MOBILE PHONE PLAYS
"COUNTDOWN" THEME)

Poom!

Janet, what do you want?
I'm working really hard trying to look busy.

Oh, that Jonny business. (LAUGHS)

That was just too funny!

Don't call me a haemorrhoid!

I can't come over. I told you, I'm busy.

Janet, stop shouting. You're in a library.

(WAILS)

What was that noise?

I was just clearing my throat.
Nothing to be concerned about.

I'm not dying or anything. Not yet.

- What you talking about?
- It's a well-known fact

that most parents die
when children fly the roost.

- I could be on me way out.
- You've still got two kids here.

They've got their own lives to lead.
I could always rely on you for company,

sat there, smoking your pipe,
watching "Emmerdale".

I've never smoked a pipe or watched
"Emmerdale". You're thinking of Grandad.

Happen I am. You're very similar.

Mum, I'm nothing like Grandad.
He's 70, he hates women, and he's dead.

Maybe, love. Maybe, but loneliness
does strange things to a woman.

- You can talk to Gran.
- I don't want to hang round with my mother!

That's too sad for words.
That's summat you'd do!

- Did you get the rest of your stuff?
- Yes, go on. You go.

Enjoy your youth while you can,
because when it's gone, it's gone.

- I'll just sit here and rot.
- Why don't you get a hobby, join a group?

Those friendship groups
are full of one-eyed freaks called Colin.

Or church. They've got loads of events.

They've got Christmas
and... they've got Easter.

And probably loads more since I last went.

- Are these yours?
- Dunno. What's in 'em?

If they're hers, large pants and dildos.

- Mum! I don't own any sex toys.
- That's on me list, as well.

- That I wasn't allowed any?
- No, which ones to bring.

- What list?
- We're making a list of demands.

- That won't work.
- Why not?

His'll all be blow-jobs.
Yours'll all be hoovering.

Mother, you're obsessed with suction.

All I'm saying is
you can't make demands on each other.

You have to sort of drift through
a relationship, compromising on the way.

- If we set down rules, we'll never argue.
- 'Cause we'll have nothing to argue about.

If we disagree, we check the list.

So, say it's Sunday morning,
and Gary has been out on a Saturday night.

- Of course.
- Not every Saturday night.

- Yes, of course.
- We could go to the pictures sometimes.

What for?! To see a film?!

No, to stand outside
and spit at the old and infirm.

My Saturdays are mine.
You can't take them away.

I can if I write it
on the list. I wrote it first!

No, you didn't. See? Look.

Gaz, that says mmfffuufnnufguuff.

- It's shorthand.
- You don't know shorthand.

I make it up, stupid!

And so it begins.

So, do you think Jonny will dump you?

- Would you?
- In an instant. Look at the state of you.

I'm a mess, aren't I?
Jonny's never gonna want me back.

Cheer up, Janet.
There's plenty more freaks in the circus.

Louise! You're supposed to be helping me.

Jonny wouldn't know
if it wasn't for your big fat gob.

I do not have a big fat gob.
I have very delicate bee-stung lips.

- Louise, you're not helping.
- You should be thanking me.

- I saved you from a life of squalor.
- We don't live in squalor.

Janet, most carpets aren't made of food.

- Can't you see what's gonna happen?
- Of course I can.

You and Jonny'll break up. Then you'll hang
around me, fetching things, buying me gifts.

My life will be complete. It's perfect.

No, Louise. If Jonny breaks up
with me, Gaz'll take his side.

Donna will have to take Gaz's side
'cause... well, I can't shag her.

You'll have to take my side,
and we won't see them any more,

and I can't even be your friend,
because you split us up in the first place.

This is awful... in a bad way.

I know. That's why I've gotta get Jonny back.

Well, that and the fact that... I love him.

This is so unfair. Why did I tell him?

- I don't know.
- Maybe deep down I don't really like you.

And if you break up,
I won't have to see you again.

- Really?
- Don't worry, Janet.

I'll get you back together. Then we can
go back to pretending to like each other.

All right, love.
Pint, please? All right, Jon?

Yeah. I'm brilliant. Yeah.
My girlfriend's snogging other blokes,

I've just had the worst interview ever,
and I've lost one of me shoes.

Life couldn't get any better.

No, hold on. Here comes
a fat bloke to sit on me face.

How have you lost one of your shoes?

I threw it at a small child.

- Why?
- It was looking at me funny.

Well, Donna's moved in.
Come out to celebrate.

- Shouldn't you celebrate together?
- I've left her to celebrate by cooking tea.

- What you having?
- I dunno. A pie of some sort.

Can I come?

- Things not great at home, pal?
- What would you do

if you caught your girlfriend...
playing the sex violin...

with someone else's bow?

- You didn't catch her. I did.
- Was she enjoying it?

- Jonny, I'm not gonna tell you.
- So she was.

- How could I tell that?
- Was she... smiling?

While she was kissing? I don't think so.
She'd chip her teeth, wouldn't she?

Gaz, did she look like she was into him?

- They were kissing!
- For a long time?

- Well, not by my standards...
- Oh, God!

- I remember one thing.
- Yeah?

- She pulled away from him.
- And?

- And then she vomited.
- Did she?

Yeah. Then she went "Urrgh!" really loudly.

- What did he do then?
- He went...

Well, that's how
the mummy bird feeds the chicks.

I was nearly believing you then.

It was the chicks, weren't it?

- Would you dump Donna?
- Like a shot.

- Really?
- But I could get another girlfriend.

Yeah, true. So, should I just forgive her,

just let it strain through my memory
like a pan of infidelity stew?

You can't forget
someone's hands all over your missus.

- You never said his hands were all over her!
- No, I... Just her top half.

Over her tits? But they're mine!

No, just her back.
Well, the back of her head, you know?

- Both of his hands?
- He had small hands.

I'm never gonna get over this.

Why, Jonny? Why? Why? Why?

- What is up with you?
- This is the end of everything.

- Everything I need to be stable.
- This is you being stable?!

This is between me and Janet.

Don't be so selfish.
Think how it's going to affect me.

- How does it affect you? It don't affect me.
- It will. Donna's Janet's best friend.

- So?
- So she'll take her side,

you'll take Jonny's side, the cracks
will show, and you'll split up, as well.

Then everybody would have to
avoid each other and get new partners.

- Well, except you, Jonny.
- Eh?

Then, when I'd meet you in the street,
I'd have to do this face...

'cause I'd pity you,
and I don't like feeling pity.

Pity is for the weak... and the ugly.

So, really, this is all about you?

- Obviously.
- That's incredibly selfish.

Obviously.

Wait. Actually,
you're not a complete dickhead.

- I know.
- You've given me an idea.

One way we can all stay together, and Jonny
gets to do everything his own way.

So you're going to forgive her?
I knew it would work!

I'm Janet's best friend!
Tell Donna to shove that one up her arse!

I do all the time. It never works.

Laters.

- What's your idea, then?
- Think about it.

- How was Janet when you left her today?
- Um... Pretty bad, I guess.

I think she'd been crying,
but she's snotty-eyed in the morning.

If she could do anything
to feel better, she'd do it?

Well, yeah. I would.
I'd buy meself a lovely big cake.

Don't you see how this could work?

I could get her to buy me a cake?

- You could get her to do anything.
- 'Cause it'd make her feel better?

- Exactly.
- And I wouldn't have to do anything.

She could be my slave.
I could get her to walk around naked.

- Can I come?
- No, mate. I don't think she'd like that.

Yes. Yes, you can.

- I'll show her.
- See?

- Just takes petty-minded vengeance.
- Yeah. And I can still have that cake.

(DOOR OPENS)

(MUSIC ON Hl-Fl)

How was your interview?

- It was fine.
- Do you think you got the job?

- Can you get me a can?
- Yeah. 'Course.

I didn't want this one.

- Oh, did you want a soft drink?
- No, I wanted a Stella,

- just not this one.
- OK.

- Is that one any better?
- We'll see.

No.

- Um... I made lasagne for tea.
- Well, I wanted butties.

- They're my favourite.
- We didn't have any eggs.

I thought you'd like a hot meal. I put in
extra garlic in case anyone tries to snog me.

Butties are all I could possibly eat.

- OK. Great. I'll go to the shop, then.
- No, no. Don't go yet.

You can have a bath.
I peeled all the mould off the towels.

Well done, but it'll be cold,
so draw a fresh one.

Well, OK. In a minute.

Jonny, can we have a chat first?

Janet, until my mood is made better

by some act of God,
I don't want to speak to you at all.

- Not at all?
- Shh!

Now you may go to the shop.

And while you're gone,
I'm going to... watch loads of...

rude ladies dancing on the telly - hah!

What are you writing?

Janet, I'm aware
of how pleasing eggs are.

No, it's for the shopkeeper.

Did I say you could talk?

You can't just stop me talking.

I can make you do anything
until I forgive you, that's the rule.

Denis Thatcher
made his missus run the country.

- The least you could do is shut up!
- I don't want to.

- Don't you want to please me?
- Of course I do,

but I won't just shut up till you're happy.

- We've got to talk this through.
- Well, maybe I want to watch...

...Bubble and Buttercup...
..."The Powerpuff Girls".

Yes. Yes, let's see what they're up to.

Look, I don't want to
be around you when you're like this.

I don't want to be around a big slappy whore!

Yes, that's right! A whore.

- A whore?
- Yeah.

Jonny, kissing some bloke once
does not make me a prossie.

(SOBS) I can't do this any more.
You're being 'orrible!

If you won't talk to me, I'm leavin'
to find someone who will!

She's gone to get eggs.

- All right?
- Mm-hmm. Where's your list?

- You go first.
- I'm embarrassed.

It's like telling you
what I don't like about you.

Oh, come on.
There's no such thing as a perfect couple.

Apart from Chris Evans and Billie -
sat in a pub all day with an 18-year-old.

OK. Well, it's pretty standard stuff.
Should I just say it?

- Ready. Give it your best shot.
- OK, I don't want you bringing girls back.

- Not a problem.
- Not even if you say they followed you home.

- OK.
- OK.

- Clean the bathroom after you've used it.
- Plugs unblocked. Sinks rinsed. OK.

No, more like
clean the pebble-dash off the toilet.

- Don't tell me it's art.
- All right. What else?

I want our home clean, so if you put away
your stuff, I'll do most of the housework.

- I love you.
- In addition to all other sexual duties,

you will agree to three
half-hour sessions of oral sex per week.

I love you.

For me, Gaz, not for you.

Oh, right. Sounds reasonable. What else?

That's about it. Split all bills
and costs of living equally.

- OK. Thanks.
- OK, what about your list?

Or did I cover everything in mine?

Not quite.

It doesn't take this long to get eggs.

- Where've you been?
- Where's Janet?

Oh. Um... I don't know.

- I thought she was with you.
- No. I need to talk to her.

Well, if she's not with you, she's with...

Oh, bollocks.

- Double bollocks.
- Yeah, that's usually how they come.

- Do you really think she's with Andy?
- Nnnnnnn!

- You didn't let me finish...
- Nnnnnn!

- What do you wanna see her for?
- Nothin'.

I'll just go. Go back to my mum's.
My room can't be a tantric sex temple yet.

Nah, stay. You can crash here if you want.

- Want a beer?
- Yeah. Go on.

- Do you really think she's coming back?
- For the last time... nnnnnn!

Hi. Look before you say anything, I'm only
here to see if I can spend the night.

Just somewhere to put my head down
while me and Jonny get sorted. Nothin' funny.

Will you help me?

Shall we call the police?

Nah, she'll be all right.
She'll just be in a ditch somewhere.

- Asleep.
- Or with Andy.

Gosh, Donna, you truly are a supreme help.

- Why did she go off, anyway?
- 'Cause I'm horrible...

and I don't have a Lexus.

Gaz is the really 'orrible one.

- He made this massive list of demands on me.
- What like?

I have to speak
in a Japanese accent on Wednesdays.

- Why?
- I've no idea. He just went power mad.

- All right. What else?
- I have to call him "Grandmaster Ramrod".

- But that's just unreasonable.
- Exactly.

And I can't grow extra limbs,
so I've no idea what rule 38's about.

I did the same. Made a load
of demands on Janet. Now she's left me.

I can't believe she got off with Andy.

I know. It's made me question everything.
We were together three years.

She's just so...

I was so nasty and...

Jonny, come here. Hey?

Listen, don't worry.
Gaz is the really 'orrible one.

You're not on your own.
You're both complete wankers.

You have nice breasts.

What?

Uh, I didn't say anything.

Yes, you did.
You said I had really nice breasts.

Sorry. I didn't mean to.

Not that they aren't nice.
They're very perky and... and...

and friendly.

Now, that would be stupid.

Yes. Yes. Yes, it would.

You do have nice baps, though.

Stop it.

Hi, Donna. It's Louise.

Since you're screening
your calls, I want you to know

that I'll be knocking on your door in five...

four... three... two... one... now!

(MUFFLED MUSIC)

Ooh! Hi, Gaz.

- Is your missus home?
- Louise.

Janet evil! Sleeps with everyone!

What about Jonny?
Janet evil! Sleeps with everyone!

Gaz... naked... and wet...

and sexy... No, Louise! Stop it!

Janet evil! Evil!

Gaz... (MUTTERS BREATHLESSLY)

Janet? Oh. It's just you.

I know where she's gone
and who she's sleeping with.

- Yeah, we had that figured.
- You all right?

What sort of sick freaks are you?!

Stop staring at me like that! Perverts!

(SQUEALS)

My boyfriend's vanished.
Your girlfriend's vanished.

- I'm all alone.
- Yep. We're all alone.

Alone and horny.

I'll hide in the bushes,
you knock on his door.

When he answers -
bang, bang, bang! - shoot him in the head.

- Great shower.
- I could tell you liked it from what I saw.