Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 2, Episode 4 - Vomit - full transcript
Jonny is convinced that he is seriously ill though Janet has her doubts and goes off to the Archer,the local pub,to meet Andy. Outside the pub they are seen by Gaz and Louise,who tells Jonny. Louise also buys a dog as a man substitute,calling him Chesney and dressing him in clothes similar to hers but he gets run over, whilst Donna agrees to move in with Gaz.
♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
♪ I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it
♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger, now
♪ Just think I'll wait a while
♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please!
♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪
Jonny?
Jonny?
Donna, I'm gettin' off now.
Jonny, come on! Get up!
You've got that job interview today.
I'm dyin'! Help me.
- Feel my forehead.
- Why? Is it hot?
No, it's dead slimy. I was sick on it.
- Jonny, why do you always do this?
- Do what?
Oh, my God!
I can see many... many penguins.
I think I'm hallucinating, Janet!
No, you're faking
to get out of another job interview.
It's like when you were meeting
my mother and had Swarfega fever.
My glands are massive.
Feel my testicles.
- Why? Are they swollen?
- No, I just like it.
(SQUEALS WITH DELIGHT)
Hello, little puppy. What's your name?
Oh, Chesney, you say?
Well, Chesney, my name's Louise,
and I'm going to spend
the last of my fag money on you.
Donna. Donna, you all right? You look great.
You wanna move in or what?
Eh? Eh? Eh? Bit direct.
Yo!
(AMERICAN ACCENT) Yo, Donna.
You're lookin' fine, girl... girlfriend.
You wanna be my bitch in my ghetto?
I think that's a bit obscure.
Bit knobby, as well. Erm...
Donna...
Donna...
Donna, you look...
beautiful.
Do you wanna be my Pop Tart
and live in my toaster of love?
Yeah, that makes sense.
It's perfect that, lad. Bring it on!
You're back! My eldest has returned
to my wonderfully pert bosom.
Look at you. Come to Mama, my bambino!
- I actually forgot I'd moved out.
- You forgot?
Yeah. This is scary.
- You know what this is?
- No.
Early menopause.
Have you had an overwhelming urge
for unbridled sex yet?
Well, no, but I've not had bridled sex yet,
unless you count the monstrous things
I used to do with My Little Pony.
- This is worryin'.
- Worry? That's another symptom.
Have your periods stopped
or become light or heavy or clumpy?
Urgh! Mum! No!
You're probably all right. As long as they're
like a Slush Puppy - cherry flavoured.
I've suddenly remembered
why I moved out. Bye, Mum.
OK, fine, if you don't love me. My God!
I pushed you through
my super-special sphincter for nothin'.
All right. I'm sorry, Mum. 'Course I love you.
- That's all I wanted to hear. Off you go.
- Sorry?
Go on, then. I'm turning your room
into a one-man YMCA anyway.
Hello?
Donna?
Donna?
(HIGH-PITCHED) Donna?
- Arghh!
- Arghh!
What you doin' in there?
(MOANS)
Jonny, you're less attractive than ever.
(MOANS) Gaz, you brought me some flowers.
- That's dead kind.
- No, they're for Donna.
- I'm gonna ask her to move in with me.
- Oh, Gaz. I'm so ill.
Where's Janet? Why isn't she here?
She doesn't love me. I think I'm gonna die.
- Can I have your stereo, then?
- Help me.
Are you scrumpy ill or madras ill?
Neither. I just woke up in the night
and felt like something was living in me.
Then I started hallucinating that mould was
growing on my face and I was paralysed.
And then Kelly Brook came in,
and she started stroking me forehead.
Oh, yeah?
Then she turned into Sid Waddell off the darts
and did unspeakable things to my bottom!
Listen, have you seen Donna?
- I need some water.
- Fizzy or still?
Tap, Gaz. We're not in friggin' Surrey.
And scrape some ice off the freezer into it.
Oh... Oh...
Bucket! Bucket now!
- Oh! Er...
- I'm gonna be sick.
Go on! Go on!
(RETCHES)
(GAGS)
J-J-Jonny, there's blood in it.
There's blood in it!
Bollocks, I have to get you to hospital!
You're gonna die, and I'll be Billy No-Mates.
Gaz, Gaz, just relax. It's tomato ketchup.
I had a swig of it when I was delirious.
You have to really suck to get any, but once
you do, you know your toil wasn't in vain.
Do you want some water or some HP?
Is there any chicken soup? That's what
they give to the sick and the dying...
and those without teeth.
I think so. Do you want a cold compress?
- That'd be lovely.
- (MOUTHS)
Shouldn't you check he's all right?
Donna, he does it all the time - jobseekers'
meetings, anniversaries, bath night...
- He's just faking.
- I don't think he was faking when I left.
He couldn't even throw up by then. Poor lad.
He had nowt left. He was just goin'...
(RETCHES)
- He's faking to get out of an interview.
- I just can't imagine someone doing that.
Unless the job was pigeon de-beaker...
or spinster scraper.
- What's he applying for?
- Post room operator.
That's a great job. He can't be faking.
You even get the undelivered mail.
So that's where me mail-order swan went to.
- He must have been up for worse jobs.
- I suppose.
- Barman.
- Said his tits weren't big enough.
- Binman.
- Ditto.
So post room boy seems well better than that.
OK, I'll call him.
Just to make sure he's not dead, mind.
Comatose or gangrenous,
I'm havin' another pint.
Andy.
(WAILS)
All right! All right! All right! All right!
Look. Evil Mr Shoe all gone.
Listen, you get some sleep,
and I can ask my girlfriend to live with me.
Gaz? Will you sing to me?
- What?
- When I was little, if I was ill,
my mum used to sing me to sleep,
and I think it made me feel better.
No! That's just too gay for words!
- What did she sing?
- Lots of things.
She'd sometimes make them up,
but my favourite was always the theme
from "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles".
- Can't remember that one.
- (WEAKLY) # Heroes in a half-shell
♪ Turtle power! ♪
No, I really can't remember that one. No.
Well, what about
"Dogtanian and the Three Muskahounds"?
I can't believe Dogtanian turned out to be a girl.
He was gonna shag that cat queen. She was fit.
Did any of this happen or are you delirious?
No, it did happen. What were you doing
while the rest of us was watching TV?
I was just climbing trees
and scrumping for apples.
Jesus, Gaz, did you grow up in the '40s?
Seein' as your ill, I'll let that go.
All right, what about
the theme music from "The Tweenies"?
Your mum couldn't have sang that.
It weren't invented!
I know. I just really like the song.
(WHIMPERS) Please?
♪ Hey, hey, are you ready to play?
♪ Come along and play with the Tweenies
♪ Hey, hey, are you ready to play?
♪ So come along and play with the Tweenies
♪ You can play with us, play games with us
♪ You can run about and scream and shout
♪ Every day, hey ♪
And you'll be a vegetarian dog,
and you're going to be nice to old people
and you won't poo indoors.
And you'll have
a built-in sunroof and CD system.
Oh, sorry, Chesney.
That's just the new car that I want.
Oh, my God!
What have you done?! Go on! Clear it up!
Hi, Donna. Look what I bought.
It's a rat, Louise.
He's a dog, actually. I got him today.
Did you win him in the small ugly dog raffle?
His name's Chesney. Say hello, Chesney.
(SILLY VOICE)
Hello, Donna. I'm your new friend.
Well, that's amazing. It's a talking dog.
I saw him in the pet shop window.
He looked so lonely sat there
with just six or seven siblings for company.
- I just had to have him.
- How will you look after him?
I'll find dogsitters.
Loads of people love puppies.
They're no trouble and hardly eat a thing.
Who would think they could poo so much? Look!
Are you hanging onto that for a reason?
Yes, Donna, I'm going spread it on Ryvita.
God, you're so stupid sometimes.
I'm just being a conscientious dog owner.
I don't like getting covered in poo.
I can't think of anyone who would.
Except those German students I met in Bootle.
- Yeah, it's better to put it in your pocket.
- I couldn't find a bin.
'Ere y'are, stick it in Janet's bag.
I can't. She'd kill me.
Or worse, she'd kill Chesney.
- She wouldn't know it was you.
- I'm the only one with a dog.
It'd either be me
or she goes to one twisted grocer.
Just do it. Go on.
That was fun!
(JANET GIGGLES)
- Oh, my God! Look!
- What?
Janet is actually talking
to a man who isn't wearing Crimplene.
No, that's Andy, her ex-boyfriend.
- Why did he dump her?
- She dumped him.
- Why?
- She fell in love with Jonny.
- Why?
- And he was too big down there.
- Why?
- Well, it was doomed from the beginning,
with him being so rich, with that flash car.
Do you think he could love me?
I don't think so. He's been hung up
on Janet ever since. Not that she notices.
(GIGGLES)
- Jonny's ill.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
- Nothing serious, I hope. Nothing deadly?
- I think it's flu. (GIGGLES)
Shame. Tell me if he does pop his clogs.
I'll be straight over
with some powerful aphrodisiacs.
- We can always hope.
- Beg your pardon?
- Nothing. Erm... I better get back to Donna.
- Donna's here?
I've not seen her for weeks. I'll just say hello.
- He's coming over.
- I told you he loved me. It's the dog.
- Donna, hiya. How are you?
- Hello, Andy!
- I don't think we've met.
- Louise. I'm the educated one.
I have a dog,
so I don't have a commitment problem.
Good for you. That's
the most too-much-information greeting ever.
I've moved into Janet and Jonny's
till I find me own place.
Wish I'd thought of that.
You all sharing the same bed?
- (ALL GIGGLE)
- Andy, you're terrible!
But loveable with it, I might add.
Well, thanks, Louise,
but I've only got eyes for one woman.
It's that flippin' Nigella Lawson, isn't it?
No, Louise, it's not.
She's sat not too far away now.
- Oh. Janet. She's got a boyfriend, you know?
- Painfully aware of that.
- You've got a boyfriend, you know?
- I know.
And so have you, Donna.
I'm the only one with no baggage, really.
Apart from years
of student debt building higher and higher.
Donna, nobody pays those back.
If you move three times, they can't
catch you. It's like your telly license.
Oh, God. I have to
take a book back to the library.
- See you later.
- And then I'll be at home.
Home - Number 12 Nesbith Avenue,
which is my home, and my parents
will be out, and there'll be lots of vodka.
- It's nice of you to be friends with her.
- Urgh! What's that?!
God, it's Louise's dog. She just bought him.
- What's she left it here for? Go after her.
- Why me?
- Because you're the closest.
- To what?
- To heaven, my child. Just do it.
- How was Jonny when you phoned?
What? Oops.
I was heading out to the phone, then poof!
Yeah, can't argue with "poof!"
Right. Fine. I'll go. I'll check
on your boyfriend as well, shall I?
Cheers.
Now everybody's happy.
Where's Janet with some medicine?
I don't know. She's not phoned.
I'm getting worried
about Donna, so I'll get off.
Just five more minutes.
I could die, then it'd be your fault,
and you'd feel so guilty you'd kill yourself
and Janet and Donna, too.
Then my ghost'd feel guilty and I wouldn't
get into Heaven and meet Jimmy Savile.
He's not dead.
- I know, but it can't be long.
- Why do you want to meet him?
I wrote to "Jim'll Fix It" asking to be a horse.
They never replied,
and I want to know why, damn it!
Donna! What's that?
If you can't eat it, keep it away from me.
Come here. Oh, hello,
you little coochy, poochy, cuddle, snuggle...
- How did you find him?
- Louise left him in the pub.
It's a he.
He can slime you with his lipstick.
He wouldn't do that
to his Uncle Jonny. What's his name?
- Chesney.
- Chesney loves his Uncle Jonny.
Chesney makes Uncle Jonny feel better.
- I want to talk to you.
- We can't leave him.
- Where's Janet?
- She's in the pub with...
- With who?
- She's in the pub with frostbite.
She's got frostbite?
Listen, stay with Jonny. I'll get Janet.
There's summat I need you to do.
I did that in the car park
of the Red Lion not 20 hours ago.
Not that. Stay here.
I'll be back in two shakes.
- I'll go. Will you be all right?
- No, I'm dyin'. Bring me my blankie.
I've got to go after Gaz...
You have a blankie?
No. I didn't say blankie, I said...
...whip.
- Right.
- No, don't leave me.
I could die, and you'd feel so guilty.
What would little Chesney say?
(MUSIC PLAYS)
(SCREAMS)
(BRAKES SCREECH)
What do you think you're doin', you... big Greek?!
I've lost Chesney. I think I left him on the bus.
And you know bus drivers
sell dogs as slaves to celebrities.
Haven't you seen the fear
in Harry Halliwell's eyes?
Chesney's with Jonny. You left him in the pub.
- I'll give you a lift, you stupid bimbo.
- OK.
- You can go, Andy. I'll be fine.
- I can't leave you in the rain on your own.
Andy, it's not raining.
It is in my heart.
Honestly, my taxi'll be here
in a sec. You don't have to wait.
It were really nice seeing you tonight.
- Listen, Janet...
- Look, I've heard that line before.
I'm just gonna go...
Oh, my friggin' giddy aunt!
What?! Is it my hair?
Look!
- Janet!
- I'm not Janet! I'm her twin sister, Colin!
- Who's this?
- I no know. He no speak English.
I'm Andy. Who's he?
You carryin' on with three of us?
Although I could live with that if I got Tuesdays.
What are you doin'?! What happened
to loyalty? What about Jonny?
I suppose I'll have to sort it. I don't know
who you are, but you better sling your...
Oh, you want it, do you? OK.
- Come on, then!
- No! Neither of you is worth it!
- 'Ere, is that your van?
- Yeah, loser. Why, loser?
- There's a child pissing on it.
- What?
- Twat!
- Gaz, are you OK? Did he hit you hard?
- Is Andy harder than you?
- What are you playin' at?
- I better find Andy. He forgot his car.
- Which one's his?
- The Lexus. Why?
- Because I've got a full bladder.
God, you still speak like that
even when you're angry?
- Get in the van! Go on!
- All right!
You slutty... slutster! Get in!
(SNIFFS)
What's that smell?
It's gorgeous.
- It's dog poo, Jonny.
- Makes you hungry, don't it?
No, not in the slightest.
I wish Janet'd come home.
She'd look after me properly.
I bet she knows the theme music
to "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles".
- Oh, Janet.
- Jonny.
- How are you? Feeling any better?
- Like you care.
Well, yeah, a bit better, but I could do
with some medicine. Did you bring any?
Yes. Yes. 'Course I did.
Erm... Let's have a look.
I got you some mints for indigestion.
And there's a lip balm for chafing.
And a bus timetable.
And, er... what else? Ooh...
Urrgh! What's that?!
Who's put dog shit in my bag?
Oh, Janet. You've brought me dog poo.
That's dead kind,
but we've already got loads here.
Oh, my God! Louise,
your dog's wrecked our house!
I know. You're so irresponsible.
Real dog owners clean up after their pets.
- You're not sensible enough for a dog.
- I'm cold.
- Where is Chesney?
- So, so cold.
Probably 'cause the door's open.
Chesney!
Oh, God! Shall we help her look for it?
- Yeah, I can talk to you properly.
- Gaz! Let me tell him.
It's got nothing to do
with you, you skanky skankbag.
- What is it?
- It's private.
If you've given me the clap,
I'll have your guts for garters.
- You stink of beer.
- I only popped in for...
It's all right. I like it.
Especially with eau de dog cronk
hangin' in the air.
What's Gaz gonna say to Donna?
He's gonna ask her to live with him in his flat.
- I think he wants what we've got.
- Yeah?
Come here and give us a kiss. I missed you.
I detect a hint of honey-roasted peanut.
And the aroma of ashtray.
With a dash of CK One.
Yeah? So? You smell of sick!
CK One is for a man or a woman. So?
- Janet, are you feeling ill?
- My stomach feels knotty.
God, that's how mine started. You lie down.
I'll get you some chicken soup for the soul.
- There's nothing wrong with my soul.
- Shh! You feel hot. Jonny make it better.
What's it like living with them two?
Well, we take drugs, and me
and Janet lez up for Jonny's pleasure.
- I thought so.
- It's awful, Gaz.
I have to sleep on a pile of coats.
They were just there when they moved in.
- And they smell funny.
- Janet and Jonny? I know.
- Not them. The coats.
- Oh.
I can't move around too much
in case an old poo falls out.
- Are you eating properly?
- They don't even have meals,
just beans and spaghetti that they keep
in the fridge and take a bit as and when.
Genius.
I really don't know what I'm gonna do.
- Well, you could live with me.
- We talked about this.
You like your independence
and your nudie posters too much.
No, really, I want you to.
It's cheap where I live, innit?
- Yes.
- It'd be half as cheap again.
- True.
- And it's a bit of a mess.
- Yes.
- And you're a girl. What do girls do?
Clean!
Appreciating your honesty
and trying not to gouge your eye out.
- Get this. This is a belter.
- Not gonna say you love me?
No. Jesus. No, no.
Listen. I can't iron, and you can't fix things.
- Yes...
- Together we could do anything. We...
We could fix and iron, couldn't we?
- So this is a business arrangement?
- Absolutely.
And you get a sex monster to boot. Come on.
It's... Go on, then. You're on.
When do you want me?
- Tomorrow'd be wicked.
- Is that your day off?
No, I've got a shirt I want to wear
on Saturday. It's as creased as a testicle.
♪ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
♪ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
♪ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
♪ Heroes in a half-shell
♪ Turtle power! ♪
- You needn't have.
- Would you prefer "Dogtanian"?
♪ Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof
♪ Muskahounds are always ready
♪ Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof
♪ Helping everybody... ♪
That's all I know of that one. "Mysterious
Cities of Gold" on the other hand...
♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah!
♪ Some day we will find the cities of gold
- # Ah... #
- Jonny?
- I need to talk to you
- Don't. I tried with Gaz.
It just came out a load of purple bile.
You just lie there.
Your wish is my command, Princess Janetina.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Oh! Oh, Jonny! It's awful!
- What's up? Have you been attacked?
- No.
You know those lorries
that go past on the way to the factory?
Yeah.
Look.
Chesney.
He looks like a hand muff.
I need to bury him in a proper ceremony.
Don't worry. I've got a shovel
and a doggy prayer book.
- Jonny...
- You'll be OK. You've got chicken soup.
I really need to talk to you.
Burying my dog is more important
than you being unfaithful to Jonny.
She's right. Let's take care of this first.
Turtle power, Janet.
(SOBS) I can't do this any more.
You're being 'orrible!
If you won't talk to me,
I'm leavin' to find someone who will!
You have nice breasts.
Ooh!
Hi, Gaz. Is your missus home?
Louise.
♪ I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it
♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger, now
♪ Just think I'll wait a while
♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please!
♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪
Jonny?
Jonny?
Donna, I'm gettin' off now.
Jonny, come on! Get up!
You've got that job interview today.
I'm dyin'! Help me.
- Feel my forehead.
- Why? Is it hot?
No, it's dead slimy. I was sick on it.
- Jonny, why do you always do this?
- Do what?
Oh, my God!
I can see many... many penguins.
I think I'm hallucinating, Janet!
No, you're faking
to get out of another job interview.
It's like when you were meeting
my mother and had Swarfega fever.
My glands are massive.
Feel my testicles.
- Why? Are they swollen?
- No, I just like it.
(SQUEALS WITH DELIGHT)
Hello, little puppy. What's your name?
Oh, Chesney, you say?
Well, Chesney, my name's Louise,
and I'm going to spend
the last of my fag money on you.
Donna. Donna, you all right? You look great.
You wanna move in or what?
Eh? Eh? Eh? Bit direct.
Yo!
(AMERICAN ACCENT) Yo, Donna.
You're lookin' fine, girl... girlfriend.
You wanna be my bitch in my ghetto?
I think that's a bit obscure.
Bit knobby, as well. Erm...
Donna...
Donna...
Donna, you look...
beautiful.
Do you wanna be my Pop Tart
and live in my toaster of love?
Yeah, that makes sense.
It's perfect that, lad. Bring it on!
You're back! My eldest has returned
to my wonderfully pert bosom.
Look at you. Come to Mama, my bambino!
- I actually forgot I'd moved out.
- You forgot?
Yeah. This is scary.
- You know what this is?
- No.
Early menopause.
Have you had an overwhelming urge
for unbridled sex yet?
Well, no, but I've not had bridled sex yet,
unless you count the monstrous things
I used to do with My Little Pony.
- This is worryin'.
- Worry? That's another symptom.
Have your periods stopped
or become light or heavy or clumpy?
Urgh! Mum! No!
You're probably all right. As long as they're
like a Slush Puppy - cherry flavoured.
I've suddenly remembered
why I moved out. Bye, Mum.
OK, fine, if you don't love me. My God!
I pushed you through
my super-special sphincter for nothin'.
All right. I'm sorry, Mum. 'Course I love you.
- That's all I wanted to hear. Off you go.
- Sorry?
Go on, then. I'm turning your room
into a one-man YMCA anyway.
Hello?
Donna?
Donna?
(HIGH-PITCHED) Donna?
- Arghh!
- Arghh!
What you doin' in there?
(MOANS)
Jonny, you're less attractive than ever.
(MOANS) Gaz, you brought me some flowers.
- That's dead kind.
- No, they're for Donna.
- I'm gonna ask her to move in with me.
- Oh, Gaz. I'm so ill.
Where's Janet? Why isn't she here?
She doesn't love me. I think I'm gonna die.
- Can I have your stereo, then?
- Help me.
Are you scrumpy ill or madras ill?
Neither. I just woke up in the night
and felt like something was living in me.
Then I started hallucinating that mould was
growing on my face and I was paralysed.
And then Kelly Brook came in,
and she started stroking me forehead.
Oh, yeah?
Then she turned into Sid Waddell off the darts
and did unspeakable things to my bottom!
Listen, have you seen Donna?
- I need some water.
- Fizzy or still?
Tap, Gaz. We're not in friggin' Surrey.
And scrape some ice off the freezer into it.
Oh... Oh...
Bucket! Bucket now!
- Oh! Er...
- I'm gonna be sick.
Go on! Go on!
(RETCHES)
(GAGS)
J-J-Jonny, there's blood in it.
There's blood in it!
Bollocks, I have to get you to hospital!
You're gonna die, and I'll be Billy No-Mates.
Gaz, Gaz, just relax. It's tomato ketchup.
I had a swig of it when I was delirious.
You have to really suck to get any, but once
you do, you know your toil wasn't in vain.
Do you want some water or some HP?
Is there any chicken soup? That's what
they give to the sick and the dying...
and those without teeth.
I think so. Do you want a cold compress?
- That'd be lovely.
- (MOUTHS)
Shouldn't you check he's all right?
Donna, he does it all the time - jobseekers'
meetings, anniversaries, bath night...
- He's just faking.
- I don't think he was faking when I left.
He couldn't even throw up by then. Poor lad.
He had nowt left. He was just goin'...
(RETCHES)
- He's faking to get out of an interview.
- I just can't imagine someone doing that.
Unless the job was pigeon de-beaker...
or spinster scraper.
- What's he applying for?
- Post room operator.
That's a great job. He can't be faking.
You even get the undelivered mail.
So that's where me mail-order swan went to.
- He must have been up for worse jobs.
- I suppose.
- Barman.
- Said his tits weren't big enough.
- Binman.
- Ditto.
So post room boy seems well better than that.
OK, I'll call him.
Just to make sure he's not dead, mind.
Comatose or gangrenous,
I'm havin' another pint.
Andy.
(WAILS)
All right! All right! All right! All right!
Look. Evil Mr Shoe all gone.
Listen, you get some sleep,
and I can ask my girlfriend to live with me.
Gaz? Will you sing to me?
- What?
- When I was little, if I was ill,
my mum used to sing me to sleep,
and I think it made me feel better.
No! That's just too gay for words!
- What did she sing?
- Lots of things.
She'd sometimes make them up,
but my favourite was always the theme
from "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles".
- Can't remember that one.
- (WEAKLY) # Heroes in a half-shell
♪ Turtle power! ♪
No, I really can't remember that one. No.
Well, what about
"Dogtanian and the Three Muskahounds"?
I can't believe Dogtanian turned out to be a girl.
He was gonna shag that cat queen. She was fit.
Did any of this happen or are you delirious?
No, it did happen. What were you doing
while the rest of us was watching TV?
I was just climbing trees
and scrumping for apples.
Jesus, Gaz, did you grow up in the '40s?
Seein' as your ill, I'll let that go.
All right, what about
the theme music from "The Tweenies"?
Your mum couldn't have sang that.
It weren't invented!
I know. I just really like the song.
(WHIMPERS) Please?
♪ Hey, hey, are you ready to play?
♪ Come along and play with the Tweenies
♪ Hey, hey, are you ready to play?
♪ So come along and play with the Tweenies
♪ You can play with us, play games with us
♪ You can run about and scream and shout
♪ Every day, hey ♪
And you'll be a vegetarian dog,
and you're going to be nice to old people
and you won't poo indoors.
And you'll have
a built-in sunroof and CD system.
Oh, sorry, Chesney.
That's just the new car that I want.
Oh, my God!
What have you done?! Go on! Clear it up!
Hi, Donna. Look what I bought.
It's a rat, Louise.
He's a dog, actually. I got him today.
Did you win him in the small ugly dog raffle?
His name's Chesney. Say hello, Chesney.
(SILLY VOICE)
Hello, Donna. I'm your new friend.
Well, that's amazing. It's a talking dog.
I saw him in the pet shop window.
He looked so lonely sat there
with just six or seven siblings for company.
- I just had to have him.
- How will you look after him?
I'll find dogsitters.
Loads of people love puppies.
They're no trouble and hardly eat a thing.
Who would think they could poo so much? Look!
Are you hanging onto that for a reason?
Yes, Donna, I'm going spread it on Ryvita.
God, you're so stupid sometimes.
I'm just being a conscientious dog owner.
I don't like getting covered in poo.
I can't think of anyone who would.
Except those German students I met in Bootle.
- Yeah, it's better to put it in your pocket.
- I couldn't find a bin.
'Ere y'are, stick it in Janet's bag.
I can't. She'd kill me.
Or worse, she'd kill Chesney.
- She wouldn't know it was you.
- I'm the only one with a dog.
It'd either be me
or she goes to one twisted grocer.
Just do it. Go on.
That was fun!
(JANET GIGGLES)
- Oh, my God! Look!
- What?
Janet is actually talking
to a man who isn't wearing Crimplene.
No, that's Andy, her ex-boyfriend.
- Why did he dump her?
- She dumped him.
- Why?
- She fell in love with Jonny.
- Why?
- And he was too big down there.
- Why?
- Well, it was doomed from the beginning,
with him being so rich, with that flash car.
Do you think he could love me?
I don't think so. He's been hung up
on Janet ever since. Not that she notices.
(GIGGLES)
- Jonny's ill.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
- Nothing serious, I hope. Nothing deadly?
- I think it's flu. (GIGGLES)
Shame. Tell me if he does pop his clogs.
I'll be straight over
with some powerful aphrodisiacs.
- We can always hope.
- Beg your pardon?
- Nothing. Erm... I better get back to Donna.
- Donna's here?
I've not seen her for weeks. I'll just say hello.
- He's coming over.
- I told you he loved me. It's the dog.
- Donna, hiya. How are you?
- Hello, Andy!
- I don't think we've met.
- Louise. I'm the educated one.
I have a dog,
so I don't have a commitment problem.
Good for you. That's
the most too-much-information greeting ever.
I've moved into Janet and Jonny's
till I find me own place.
Wish I'd thought of that.
You all sharing the same bed?
- (ALL GIGGLE)
- Andy, you're terrible!
But loveable with it, I might add.
Well, thanks, Louise,
but I've only got eyes for one woman.
It's that flippin' Nigella Lawson, isn't it?
No, Louise, it's not.
She's sat not too far away now.
- Oh. Janet. She's got a boyfriend, you know?
- Painfully aware of that.
- You've got a boyfriend, you know?
- I know.
And so have you, Donna.
I'm the only one with no baggage, really.
Apart from years
of student debt building higher and higher.
Donna, nobody pays those back.
If you move three times, they can't
catch you. It's like your telly license.
Oh, God. I have to
take a book back to the library.
- See you later.
- And then I'll be at home.
Home - Number 12 Nesbith Avenue,
which is my home, and my parents
will be out, and there'll be lots of vodka.
- It's nice of you to be friends with her.
- Urgh! What's that?!
God, it's Louise's dog. She just bought him.
- What's she left it here for? Go after her.
- Why me?
- Because you're the closest.
- To what?
- To heaven, my child. Just do it.
- How was Jonny when you phoned?
What? Oops.
I was heading out to the phone, then poof!
Yeah, can't argue with "poof!"
Right. Fine. I'll go. I'll check
on your boyfriend as well, shall I?
Cheers.
Now everybody's happy.
Where's Janet with some medicine?
I don't know. She's not phoned.
I'm getting worried
about Donna, so I'll get off.
Just five more minutes.
I could die, then it'd be your fault,
and you'd feel so guilty you'd kill yourself
and Janet and Donna, too.
Then my ghost'd feel guilty and I wouldn't
get into Heaven and meet Jimmy Savile.
He's not dead.
- I know, but it can't be long.
- Why do you want to meet him?
I wrote to "Jim'll Fix It" asking to be a horse.
They never replied,
and I want to know why, damn it!
Donna! What's that?
If you can't eat it, keep it away from me.
Come here. Oh, hello,
you little coochy, poochy, cuddle, snuggle...
- How did you find him?
- Louise left him in the pub.
It's a he.
He can slime you with his lipstick.
He wouldn't do that
to his Uncle Jonny. What's his name?
- Chesney.
- Chesney loves his Uncle Jonny.
Chesney makes Uncle Jonny feel better.
- I want to talk to you.
- We can't leave him.
- Where's Janet?
- She's in the pub with...
- With who?
- She's in the pub with frostbite.
She's got frostbite?
Listen, stay with Jonny. I'll get Janet.
There's summat I need you to do.
I did that in the car park
of the Red Lion not 20 hours ago.
Not that. Stay here.
I'll be back in two shakes.
- I'll go. Will you be all right?
- No, I'm dyin'. Bring me my blankie.
I've got to go after Gaz...
You have a blankie?
No. I didn't say blankie, I said...
...whip.
- Right.
- No, don't leave me.
I could die, and you'd feel so guilty.
What would little Chesney say?
(MUSIC PLAYS)
(SCREAMS)
(BRAKES SCREECH)
What do you think you're doin', you... big Greek?!
I've lost Chesney. I think I left him on the bus.
And you know bus drivers
sell dogs as slaves to celebrities.
Haven't you seen the fear
in Harry Halliwell's eyes?
Chesney's with Jonny. You left him in the pub.
- I'll give you a lift, you stupid bimbo.
- OK.
- You can go, Andy. I'll be fine.
- I can't leave you in the rain on your own.
Andy, it's not raining.
It is in my heart.
Honestly, my taxi'll be here
in a sec. You don't have to wait.
It were really nice seeing you tonight.
- Listen, Janet...
- Look, I've heard that line before.
I'm just gonna go...
Oh, my friggin' giddy aunt!
What?! Is it my hair?
Look!
- Janet!
- I'm not Janet! I'm her twin sister, Colin!
- Who's this?
- I no know. He no speak English.
I'm Andy. Who's he?
You carryin' on with three of us?
Although I could live with that if I got Tuesdays.
What are you doin'?! What happened
to loyalty? What about Jonny?
I suppose I'll have to sort it. I don't know
who you are, but you better sling your...
Oh, you want it, do you? OK.
- Come on, then!
- No! Neither of you is worth it!
- 'Ere, is that your van?
- Yeah, loser. Why, loser?
- There's a child pissing on it.
- What?
- Twat!
- Gaz, are you OK? Did he hit you hard?
- Is Andy harder than you?
- What are you playin' at?
- I better find Andy. He forgot his car.
- Which one's his?
- The Lexus. Why?
- Because I've got a full bladder.
God, you still speak like that
even when you're angry?
- Get in the van! Go on!
- All right!
You slutty... slutster! Get in!
(SNIFFS)
What's that smell?
It's gorgeous.
- It's dog poo, Jonny.
- Makes you hungry, don't it?
No, not in the slightest.
I wish Janet'd come home.
She'd look after me properly.
I bet she knows the theme music
to "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles".
- Oh, Janet.
- Jonny.
- How are you? Feeling any better?
- Like you care.
Well, yeah, a bit better, but I could do
with some medicine. Did you bring any?
Yes. Yes. 'Course I did.
Erm... Let's have a look.
I got you some mints for indigestion.
And there's a lip balm for chafing.
And a bus timetable.
And, er... what else? Ooh...
Urrgh! What's that?!
Who's put dog shit in my bag?
Oh, Janet. You've brought me dog poo.
That's dead kind,
but we've already got loads here.
Oh, my God! Louise,
your dog's wrecked our house!
I know. You're so irresponsible.
Real dog owners clean up after their pets.
- You're not sensible enough for a dog.
- I'm cold.
- Where is Chesney?
- So, so cold.
Probably 'cause the door's open.
Chesney!
Oh, God! Shall we help her look for it?
- Yeah, I can talk to you properly.
- Gaz! Let me tell him.
It's got nothing to do
with you, you skanky skankbag.
- What is it?
- It's private.
If you've given me the clap,
I'll have your guts for garters.
- You stink of beer.
- I only popped in for...
It's all right. I like it.
Especially with eau de dog cronk
hangin' in the air.
What's Gaz gonna say to Donna?
He's gonna ask her to live with him in his flat.
- I think he wants what we've got.
- Yeah?
Come here and give us a kiss. I missed you.
I detect a hint of honey-roasted peanut.
And the aroma of ashtray.
With a dash of CK One.
Yeah? So? You smell of sick!
CK One is for a man or a woman. So?
- Janet, are you feeling ill?
- My stomach feels knotty.
God, that's how mine started. You lie down.
I'll get you some chicken soup for the soul.
- There's nothing wrong with my soul.
- Shh! You feel hot. Jonny make it better.
What's it like living with them two?
Well, we take drugs, and me
and Janet lez up for Jonny's pleasure.
- I thought so.
- It's awful, Gaz.
I have to sleep on a pile of coats.
They were just there when they moved in.
- And they smell funny.
- Janet and Jonny? I know.
- Not them. The coats.
- Oh.
I can't move around too much
in case an old poo falls out.
- Are you eating properly?
- They don't even have meals,
just beans and spaghetti that they keep
in the fridge and take a bit as and when.
Genius.
I really don't know what I'm gonna do.
- Well, you could live with me.
- We talked about this.
You like your independence
and your nudie posters too much.
No, really, I want you to.
It's cheap where I live, innit?
- Yes.
- It'd be half as cheap again.
- True.
- And it's a bit of a mess.
- Yes.
- And you're a girl. What do girls do?
Clean!
Appreciating your honesty
and trying not to gouge your eye out.
- Get this. This is a belter.
- Not gonna say you love me?
No. Jesus. No, no.
Listen. I can't iron, and you can't fix things.
- Yes...
- Together we could do anything. We...
We could fix and iron, couldn't we?
- So this is a business arrangement?
- Absolutely.
And you get a sex monster to boot. Come on.
It's... Go on, then. You're on.
When do you want me?
- Tomorrow'd be wicked.
- Is that your day off?
No, I've got a shirt I want to wear
on Saturday. It's as creased as a testicle.
♪ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
♪ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
♪ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
♪ Heroes in a half-shell
♪ Turtle power! ♪
- You needn't have.
- Would you prefer "Dogtanian"?
♪ Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof
♪ Muskahounds are always ready
♪ Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof
♪ Helping everybody... ♪
That's all I know of that one. "Mysterious
Cities of Gold" on the other hand...
♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah!
♪ Some day we will find the cities of gold
- # Ah... #
- Jonny?
- I need to talk to you
- Don't. I tried with Gaz.
It just came out a load of purple bile.
You just lie there.
Your wish is my command, Princess Janetina.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Oh! Oh, Jonny! It's awful!
- What's up? Have you been attacked?
- No.
You know those lorries
that go past on the way to the factory?
Yeah.
Look.
Chesney.
He looks like a hand muff.
I need to bury him in a proper ceremony.
Don't worry. I've got a shovel
and a doggy prayer book.
- Jonny...
- You'll be OK. You've got chicken soup.
I really need to talk to you.
Burying my dog is more important
than you being unfaithful to Jonny.
She's right. Let's take care of this first.
Turtle power, Janet.
(SOBS) I can't do this any more.
You're being 'orrible!
If you won't talk to me,
I'm leavin' to find someone who will!
You have nice breasts.
Ooh!
Hi, Gaz. Is your missus home?
Louise.