Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 2, Episode 3 - Dirty Girls - full transcript
Jonny is jealous when Janet finds a love letter from handsome old flame Andy,though she tells him she is merely being nostalgic. To allay his fears she introduces him to 'Andy',who is actually wimpy little Colin from the chemist's. Louise goes off James and wonders if she is a Lesbian,getting Donna and Janet to experiment with her,though it does nothing for her and she realises that she just does not fancy James. Flo meanwhile wants Donna to move out so that she can turn her room into a saucy massage parlour.
♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
♪ I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it
♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger, now
♪Just think I'll wait a while
♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please!
♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪
(MAN) "Janet, my darling, I've missed you
so much since I've been in London.
"I can't wait to come home
and give you all your heart desires.
"I can't stop thinking
about that night under the stars in Tenby.
"Janet, the thought of you
keeps my heart warm every night.
"All my love, Andy."
- Hello. What you up to?
- Nothin' you'd care about.
Are you still angry 'cause I won't marry you?
- No, it's not that.
- Oh, all right, then.
Oh, are you trying
to find out where I keep my porn?
I told you I'm not into... Oh, don't throw
away "Granny Spanker". It's me favourite!
- Only 'cause it reminds you of the Queen.
- Exactly. I like my porn patriotic.
- Want a drink?
- Yeah, all right.
(FRENCH MAN) "Janet, my darling, I've missed
you so much since I've been in London.
"I can't wait to come home
and give you all zat your heart desires.
"I can't stop thinking about
zat night under ze stars in... 'Tonbee'.
"Janet, ze thought of you
keeps my heart warm every night.
"All my love, 'Ondee'."
- Do you want tea or coffee?
- Coffee, black, four sugars.
- Jonny, that...
- Just do it, woman.
- You all right?
- Who's Ondee?
- Who?
- Ondee, Tenby, under the stars!
Oh, Andy. Just an old boyfriend of mine.
How old? Are we talking Michael Winner old?
Please don't be talking Michael Winner old.
Jonny, you stupid fool,
I went out with him before I even met you.
We were just kids.
We used to pretend to get married.
- It's all silly, really.
- Why have you kept his letter, then?
It's just a bit of my childhood.
- Really?
- Really.
Come here!
You really care about me, don't you?
What's it like being my girlfriend, Wheezy?
Sorry, did you just call me Wheezy?
- Yeah. Short for Louise.
- I hate it.
- What? Being my girlfriend?
- No, being called Wheezy.
- Being your girlfriend's nice.
- Don't you find me attractive?
- What's your favourite bit?
- You have a lovely, lovely...
...sense of well-being.
You've got to be attracted to me.
I'm wearing pheromones.
Smell my head. It smells of monkey penises.
I'm fine, thanks.
So hard to tell where the man's beard ends.
- Hello, Mum.
- Hiya, sweetheart.
Christ! That man's beard's like...
Oh, I get it.
- Exactly what I thought.
- Mum?
- Yes, my darling, my apple of my eye?
- Why is all my stuff down here?
You've got to move out. Sorry, sweetie.
Are you serious? Why?
Sit down, petal.
There comes a time in every mother's life
when she not so much resents
her children's presence, it's more like...
hate - that's the word.
Oh, I get it.
This is one of your little jokes,
like when I had hip-length hair,
and you cut it off as I slept.
- I need your room.
- You're not pregnant, are you?
Don't let another of God's miracles slide
through the valley of the shadow of death!
Stop calling my vagina that!
- Sorry.
- I'm not pregnant, but I could be.
- I'm still fertile.
- Yeah?
I just have to smile
at a masturbating tramp to get pregnant.
Nice. What do you need my room for?
I'm becoming a masseuse.
Look, you've not even trained.
You don't have to be trained to run your
hands over young men's naked bodies.
It's often women who want massages.
Well, I'm not doing that.
Somebody else's cellulite flobbering
against me wedding ring? I don't think so!
- So, what if a women asks for your services?
- It'll be a men-only service.
- Where you gonna advertise?
- Well, I've thought about this.
Phone boxes.
"Exclusive men-only service.
Relaxed atmosphere.
"Let Floella stroke the life,
strife and wife out of you."
Good, eh?
- Mum?
- Yes, my little snagglepuss?
Why's it got my picture on it?
Did you know, one day,
nobody will have little toes?
What? Will everyone's toes
be, like, really massive?
No, I mean your smallest one, the last one.
There's gonna be no need for it,
because we don't have to balance
as much as when we were apes.
- Why not?
- Because we sit in pubs or lie down instead.
What about people that have to stand up,
like Carol Vorderman off "Countdown"?
- Will she just fall over all the time?
- I think so.
Unless they made her
a prosthetic toe - a $6 million toe
that could see for miles and run dead fast.
I'm gonna get one of them.
(PHONE BEEPS)
That'll be Donna.
We're in textual contact all the time.
There y'are.
"Bill unpaid. Contact provider." Cheeky minx.
- Gaz?
- Yes, mate.
Has Donna ever talked
about any of her old boyfriends?
Yeah, always buyin'
her flowers and takin' her out
and phonin' unexpectedly - bunch o' tossers.
She ever mentioned
any of Janet's old boyfriends?
- No, I can't say that she has.
- Oh.
- Why? Summat wrong?
- I found this letter from an old boyfriend.
She says it means nothing.
Says it was over before she met me.
- Yeah? And?
- Well, why would she keep the letter?
Jonny.
Jonny, Jonny, Jonny,
Jonny, Jonny, Jonny, Jon.
Oh, Jonny, Jonny, Jonny.
- Jonny, J...
- Gaz, stop or I'm going to cock-drop you.
Gonna do what?
Cock-drop you.
- That word don't even exist.
- It was on "Scrapheap Challenge".
You've got all European games
of Liverpool in the '80s.
- They were doin' well.
- It made you feel special.
Yeah. It made me feel part of something big,
bigger than Pavarotti's arse.
That's all Janet's doing -
keeping souvenirs of a time she felt special.
- Is that why you frame your best jazz mags?
- Now you're getting it.
Only they're different.
Her experiences with her ex are in the past.
I can visit Mrs Palm and her five
lovely daughters whenever I want.
You don't think Janet
might wanna revisit this Andy?
Oh, Jonny.
Jonny, Jonny, Jonny, Jonny, Jonny.
Oh, Jonny, Jonny, Jonny, Jonny.
You actually want me to cock-drop you?!
It's just that James
is perfect for me in every way.
Oh, you poor thing.
You want some camomile tea.
He's intelligent, smart, sophisticated...
The hateful bastard.
And he's so Caucasian
my father would beat me!
- Wonderful.
- There's just one thing wrong.
- And what's that, Louise?
- I don't feel the "grrr!"
You've got to feel the "grrr!"
Hello. Is this
my friendly fags and booze stop?
- Louise in't feeling James's "grrr!"
- I felt Gaz's "grrr!" the night we met.
He'll be here any minute.
He wants me to find him raw and sexy.
- What do you feel, Louise?
- Well, he's kind of pale and clammy.
You've got a learner.
Bet you're older than him.
Yeah. By three months. How did you know?
Because by the sounds of it, he needs
to be taught the ways of a woman.
I have taught him.
I tell him off for slouching.
I throw cups at him every month.
I even nag. Watch.
You watch too much football. You'll turn into
a football if you watch football any more.
You love football more than me.
- What's his team?
- Oh, God, no. He hates football.
- But one has to nag.
- Not those ways of a woman.
You've got a student in the art of love.
- You spend too much time with Gaz.
- Look, he doesn't know how to turn you on.
So you show him, and being so naive,
he won't ask for anything.
So if I ask him
to visit the fishmongers on Friday,
I won't have to shop
for cheese on the Saturday.
God only hopes you're talking in metaphor.
No, he likes fish.
- I like cheese.
- Sounds like the perfect match there.
What you wanna do is, when he comes in,
look him in the eyes seductively,
then whisper what you'll do
when you get him home.
- Where are you getting this advice from?
- "Woman's Weekly".
It doesn't just tell you
how to bake brownies.
I really hope you're not talking in metaphor.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
- You can come in if you have Pringles.
- I've got cornflakes stuck to me T-shirt.
- Come in, James. Cup of tea?
- Yes, please.
- Hi, James.
- Hello, Louise.
(MOUTHS)
You know what
I'm going to do to you tonight?
No... but I'd like you to tell me.
I'm going to make you
a huge shepherd's pie...
with real mash.
Oh... That's lovely.
Thanks, Louise.
That makes me feel so very... hungry.
- Hello, me little piss-flap.
- Hello!
You're in a good mood.
Recovered from this morning, jealous-arse?
I was being daft 'cause I love you so much.
- Enough to marry me?
- Oh, bugger, no.
But I think you should keep Andy's letter.
It's part of your past,
part of what makes you special.
- What letter?
- From that Andy we went to school with.
What? "Phwoar!" Andy?
I had such a crush on him. When I sat next
to him in assembly, I'd leave a damp patch.
I know. I was saying to Andy
the other day how much we've all changed.
- You talked to Andy the other day?
- I just bumped into him.
You just "bumped into him"?!
Just "bumped" into
one of your old boyfriends?!
How often do you just "bump" into Andy?
I don't know. Every couple of months.
There's nothing in it.
You don't see me
casually "bumping" into me exes.
Jonny, stop using the word "bump".
- Louise, I'm on Jonny's side on this one.
- Thank you, James.
In fact, let's go back to the pub
and talk about your bumping.
- Come on, James.
- Not 'im. He wears tweed.
I've only got £70, as well,
so I can't really afford it.
Get up.
Jonny!
- Hey, wanna hear my news?
- I didn't feel a thing,
not from the sexy look,
the dirty whispering, nothing.
- Yeah. Wanna hear my news?
- It was like talking to my brother.
- Third and final time...
- I felt nothing.
Bollocks, Louise. You're probably gay.
What do you mean?
It's the brown suit, isn't it?
You should dump James
and become a lesbian. It's your only option.
Well, I did hear there's
a lot of money in lesbianism.
- Louise, you are not a lesbian.
- How do you know? I've never tried.
- Are you sexually attracted to women?
- I'm quite taken with Fatima Whitbread.
- Do you fancy me or Donna?
- Oh, God, no.
Us lipstick lesbians
are disgusted by you butch types.
- Come on. What's your news?
- Well, my mum...
I love hearing stories about Donna's mother.
They're full of gin and sailors.
Just like Michael Portillo.
- Have you got any Temazepam for her?
- No, I fed it to that stray cat.
- Oh, God! What happened?
- Can you hear any miaowing?
- My mum wants me to move out.
- Why?
- So she can massage men for cash.
- You could move in here.
- Won't Jonny mind?
- He wouldn't notice.
He's too busy constructing
that cyborg for "Robot Wars".
- How's that going?
- It's just a turnip with a light bulb in it.
He's getting there, bless him.
He's painted a face on it.
- All right. Will you help me get me stuff?
- Sure. Come on. Louise?
No, I'm going to stay
and think about all the wonderful things
Jennifer Lopez's bottom does.
(INAUDIBLE)
- What are you doin'?
- Movin' out like you asked me to.
What?! No, you can't move out.
- I've already done it, Mum. I'm gone.
- Well, you can't.
- What will I do without you?
- Pummel the buttocks of Runcorn.
That's all fallen through. Apparently,
it's illegal to advertise in phone boxes.
Why, I don't know. British Telecom do it.
Mum, you'll be fine.
It's time I moved out. I'm nearly 22.
Where will you go?
I'll stay at Janet's,
then a little flat, probably.
No. You know what they do
to people who live in flats? They kill them.
And who is this "they"?
Communists.
Don't worry. My sister'll be here.
She's only 15.
She can't drink and smoke like you can.
She sits in her room all day
listening to Burt Bacharach. Weird.
She'll be fine. She'll stay
with us for a few days, then find a place.
See you, Mrs Henshaw.
I'll give you ring in a bit, right? Bye.
This has been watered down. Katie!
Find this Andy
and kick him into next Tuesday.
- I'll do better than that.
- What? Wednesday?
Go and get the drinks in, you.
Listen, just because Janet had a boyfriend
once, it doesn't mean doodly-twat.
- Donna called him "Phwoar!" Andy.
- Yeah, that was well out of order.
I don't want to interrupt, but I've heard you
call every woman we pass "phwoar" something.
It wasn't "phwoar something". It was,
"Phwoar! Love me big time, me bitches."
Jonny. Janet loves you very, very much.
She twinkles like a fairy when she sees you.
I know about these things.
I've done aromatherapy.
Oi, where's me peanuts?
Janet might rekindle what they had together.
Well, you were laughing last week
about how you were never marrying her.
- You could spend more time with me.
- Gazzie, you're so romantic.
Go and get me some chicken lips.
No one gets married till they're 30.
Women can have babies when they're 50.
It's probably easier then. The birth canal's
all stretched after a life of large portions.
- Apparently, chickens don't have lips.
- What? Nobody told me.
My mother had me at 47, with the aid
of a turkey baster and a taxi driver.
While casual sex exists,
there's no need for women to settle down.
- What do you know? You're still a virgin.
- I know, but I practise in the bath.
No, we've got to do something about this.
- I'll get Andy round.
- And fork him in the eye.
No. No violence. I'll just tell him
to back off, leave Janet alone.
What if he cock-drops you?
See? I told you that was a word.
Thanks, Louise. You could've helped a bit.
I'm not helping unless one of you kisses me.
God, Louise, you're a sick, sick pervo.
Being gay is not perverted, you fascist.
- Pretending to be is, though.
- I'm not pretending, I'm deciding.
- What's to decide?
- Which one of you I'll pull first.
Louise, it'd be like kissing me uncle.
Did I say I'd decided on you,
Miss I'm-A-Big-Gay-Icon?
- Oh, so you want to snog Donna?
- Oh, no. She smokes rollies.
It'd be like kissing a darts player.
Well, thanks. That's given me a boost.
- Look, won't one of you just snog me?
- No!
- It'd be an experience.
- No!
- I promise I won't tell.
- For God's sake, no!
I'll give you 50 quid.
Hey, Gaz. Draw!
- Look at this!
- I can hear Louise's voice.
It's the snakebite.
I hear the Moomins most Saturdays.
- Shh! No, listen.
- What are you doin'?!
- I don't want to spy on our girlfriends.
- Oh, yes, you do!
Whoa! That's revolting!
That's brilliant.
- Somebody should stop 'em.
- No way.
If I'd known,
I'd have worn drawstring trousers.
Well, I think that was
a defining moment in our friendship.
Yes. Yes, it was.
There was no need
for tongues, though, Louise.
You got off lightly. Is that yours?
Oh, no. It's mine. Thanks.
Does anyone feel a bit gay?
I feel kind of weird.
- Sexy weird?
- Sicky weird. Like I've eaten too much corn.
- Maybe if I flashed a bit of leg...
- Louise, no!
- What do you feel, Louise?
- Well, I don't fancy either of you.
Oh, well, that's good news.
Maybe I need someone
a bit more sophisticated.
Maybe you're straight - just a suggestion.
Oh, God. I'm going to have to face up
to the fact that I... just don't fancy James.
(GAZ AND JONNY LAUGH)
- Hello, arse carpet.
- Hello!
- Jonny!
- Hello, Louise.
James...
- We really need to talk.
- No, we don't.
You sit down, and I'll stay
in my little bubble of ignorance.
♪ La-la la-la la-la... ♪
James, come with me now.
Raarr! I like a feisty bird!
Gaz, did you teach him that?
No, but he taught me
how to catch spit in my mouth.
Come on!
- What are all these boxes?
- It's all Donna's stuff. Jonny?
Jonny? You don't mind
if Donna stays for a few days, do you?
- As long as you don't start snoggin' her.
- Oh, you saw.
Yeah, and I don't appreciate
you being unfaithful to me,
especially not with a girl -
makes me feel hurt... and painfully aroused.
- Jonny, I got 50 quid for that.
- Oh, so you're a prossie now?
I'm goin' out with a whore.
This is a den of iniquity.
- Can I move in, then?
- You flaunt old boyfriends, now this.
You're a shameless hussy. Phone him.
- What?!
- Phone "Phwoar!" Andy. Get him down here.
Bring him to me.
I'll sort this out like a man, man-to-man,
Brotherhood of Man... Isle of Man.
Have we got any cock-dropping equipment?
- Donna, why didn't you ask me?
- You wouldn't like it.
- It's only polite to ask.
- All right.
- Can I stay with you?
- Can't you stay with Janet?
- OK.
- Problem solved.
Listen, right. A girl once told me
that I turned her into a lesbian.
If I invited her over,
would you do what you were doing?
- What? Snog her?
- Yeah.
Whatever else lesbians do -
present shows on Channel 4, et cetera.
- Minimum fee of 50 quid.
- 50 quid?!
Who are you? Mega Muff?
I've got to finish it, James.
- W-Why?
- Well, you see, the problem is...
I'm disgusted
at the thought of having sex with you.
We don't need to have sex.
I could just be a trophy boyfriend.
- I could stand there looking pretty.
- I couldn't have a relationship like that.
You can. Look at the Queen.
I'm really sorry, James.
I think I'm gonna cry.
I can't believe it's over!
Oh! Oh! Come here!
(SQUEALS) James!
You can't blame a man for trying!
Now I'll have to pay for it.
Damn. I swore I'd never be like my father.
I hope by meeting Andy,
you'll see I don't have feelings for him.
- What if he has feelings for you?
- If a girl had feelings for you,
- you wouldn't run off with her.
- How big are her tits?
Ow! You f!
You can't blame me for feeling insecure.
No one's ever fancied you before.
Cheers!
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
That will be Andy.
This is Andy.
- This is Andy?
- This is Andy.
As you can see,
he's not going to fondle me in any way.
Is he real?
Can we keep him?
I can't believe it.
Look, he's just so precious. Look!
I love this man. I love you, Andy.
Is this the one you said was "phwoar", Donna?
I think he's been ill.
- Gaz, get your coat. We're celebrating.
- Can we take Andy?
No, I insist that Andy
stay with Janet and Donna
to show how much trust
we have in our partners.
See you, mate. Nice one.
- Janet?
- Yes, Donna?
Who the hell is that?
This is Colin from the chemist. He's always
up for a laugh. Out you go, Colin. Shoo!
- So, why didn't you ring Andy?
- God, Donna, Andy's gorgeous.
I don't want to have to stop seeing him.
What? Jonny'll never find out.
I'm dyin'! Help me!
- Feel my forehead.
- Why? Is it hot?
- No, it's dead slimy. I was sick on it.
- Jonny!
(SCREAMS)
Andy.
I wish Janet'd come home.
She'd look after me properly.
- Listen, Janet...
- Look, I've heard that line before.
I'm just gonna go...
♪ I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it
♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger, now
♪Just think I'll wait a while
♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please!
♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪
(MAN) "Janet, my darling, I've missed you
so much since I've been in London.
"I can't wait to come home
and give you all your heart desires.
"I can't stop thinking
about that night under the stars in Tenby.
"Janet, the thought of you
keeps my heart warm every night.
"All my love, Andy."
- Hello. What you up to?
- Nothin' you'd care about.
Are you still angry 'cause I won't marry you?
- No, it's not that.
- Oh, all right, then.
Oh, are you trying
to find out where I keep my porn?
I told you I'm not into... Oh, don't throw
away "Granny Spanker". It's me favourite!
- Only 'cause it reminds you of the Queen.
- Exactly. I like my porn patriotic.
- Want a drink?
- Yeah, all right.
(FRENCH MAN) "Janet, my darling, I've missed
you so much since I've been in London.
"I can't wait to come home
and give you all zat your heart desires.
"I can't stop thinking about
zat night under ze stars in... 'Tonbee'.
"Janet, ze thought of you
keeps my heart warm every night.
"All my love, 'Ondee'."
- Do you want tea or coffee?
- Coffee, black, four sugars.
- Jonny, that...
- Just do it, woman.
- You all right?
- Who's Ondee?
- Who?
- Ondee, Tenby, under the stars!
Oh, Andy. Just an old boyfriend of mine.
How old? Are we talking Michael Winner old?
Please don't be talking Michael Winner old.
Jonny, you stupid fool,
I went out with him before I even met you.
We were just kids.
We used to pretend to get married.
- It's all silly, really.
- Why have you kept his letter, then?
It's just a bit of my childhood.
- Really?
- Really.
Come here!
You really care about me, don't you?
What's it like being my girlfriend, Wheezy?
Sorry, did you just call me Wheezy?
- Yeah. Short for Louise.
- I hate it.
- What? Being my girlfriend?
- No, being called Wheezy.
- Being your girlfriend's nice.
- Don't you find me attractive?
- What's your favourite bit?
- You have a lovely, lovely...
...sense of well-being.
You've got to be attracted to me.
I'm wearing pheromones.
Smell my head. It smells of monkey penises.
I'm fine, thanks.
So hard to tell where the man's beard ends.
- Hello, Mum.
- Hiya, sweetheart.
Christ! That man's beard's like...
Oh, I get it.
- Exactly what I thought.
- Mum?
- Yes, my darling, my apple of my eye?
- Why is all my stuff down here?
You've got to move out. Sorry, sweetie.
Are you serious? Why?
Sit down, petal.
There comes a time in every mother's life
when she not so much resents
her children's presence, it's more like...
hate - that's the word.
Oh, I get it.
This is one of your little jokes,
like when I had hip-length hair,
and you cut it off as I slept.
- I need your room.
- You're not pregnant, are you?
Don't let another of God's miracles slide
through the valley of the shadow of death!
Stop calling my vagina that!
- Sorry.
- I'm not pregnant, but I could be.
- I'm still fertile.
- Yeah?
I just have to smile
at a masturbating tramp to get pregnant.
Nice. What do you need my room for?
I'm becoming a masseuse.
Look, you've not even trained.
You don't have to be trained to run your
hands over young men's naked bodies.
It's often women who want massages.
Well, I'm not doing that.
Somebody else's cellulite flobbering
against me wedding ring? I don't think so!
- So, what if a women asks for your services?
- It'll be a men-only service.
- Where you gonna advertise?
- Well, I've thought about this.
Phone boxes.
"Exclusive men-only service.
Relaxed atmosphere.
"Let Floella stroke the life,
strife and wife out of you."
Good, eh?
- Mum?
- Yes, my little snagglepuss?
Why's it got my picture on it?
Did you know, one day,
nobody will have little toes?
What? Will everyone's toes
be, like, really massive?
No, I mean your smallest one, the last one.
There's gonna be no need for it,
because we don't have to balance
as much as when we were apes.
- Why not?
- Because we sit in pubs or lie down instead.
What about people that have to stand up,
like Carol Vorderman off "Countdown"?
- Will she just fall over all the time?
- I think so.
Unless they made her
a prosthetic toe - a $6 million toe
that could see for miles and run dead fast.
I'm gonna get one of them.
(PHONE BEEPS)
That'll be Donna.
We're in textual contact all the time.
There y'are.
"Bill unpaid. Contact provider." Cheeky minx.
- Gaz?
- Yes, mate.
Has Donna ever talked
about any of her old boyfriends?
Yeah, always buyin'
her flowers and takin' her out
and phonin' unexpectedly - bunch o' tossers.
She ever mentioned
any of Janet's old boyfriends?
- No, I can't say that she has.
- Oh.
- Why? Summat wrong?
- I found this letter from an old boyfriend.
She says it means nothing.
Says it was over before she met me.
- Yeah? And?
- Well, why would she keep the letter?
Jonny.
Jonny, Jonny, Jonny,
Jonny, Jonny, Jonny, Jon.
Oh, Jonny, Jonny, Jonny.
- Jonny, J...
- Gaz, stop or I'm going to cock-drop you.
Gonna do what?
Cock-drop you.
- That word don't even exist.
- It was on "Scrapheap Challenge".
You've got all European games
of Liverpool in the '80s.
- They were doin' well.
- It made you feel special.
Yeah. It made me feel part of something big,
bigger than Pavarotti's arse.
That's all Janet's doing -
keeping souvenirs of a time she felt special.
- Is that why you frame your best jazz mags?
- Now you're getting it.
Only they're different.
Her experiences with her ex are in the past.
I can visit Mrs Palm and her five
lovely daughters whenever I want.
You don't think Janet
might wanna revisit this Andy?
Oh, Jonny.
Jonny, Jonny, Jonny, Jonny, Jonny.
Oh, Jonny, Jonny, Jonny, Jonny.
You actually want me to cock-drop you?!
It's just that James
is perfect for me in every way.
Oh, you poor thing.
You want some camomile tea.
He's intelligent, smart, sophisticated...
The hateful bastard.
And he's so Caucasian
my father would beat me!
- Wonderful.
- There's just one thing wrong.
- And what's that, Louise?
- I don't feel the "grrr!"
You've got to feel the "grrr!"
Hello. Is this
my friendly fags and booze stop?
- Louise in't feeling James's "grrr!"
- I felt Gaz's "grrr!" the night we met.
He'll be here any minute.
He wants me to find him raw and sexy.
- What do you feel, Louise?
- Well, he's kind of pale and clammy.
You've got a learner.
Bet you're older than him.
Yeah. By three months. How did you know?
Because by the sounds of it, he needs
to be taught the ways of a woman.
I have taught him.
I tell him off for slouching.
I throw cups at him every month.
I even nag. Watch.
You watch too much football. You'll turn into
a football if you watch football any more.
You love football more than me.
- What's his team?
- Oh, God, no. He hates football.
- But one has to nag.
- Not those ways of a woman.
You've got a student in the art of love.
- You spend too much time with Gaz.
- Look, he doesn't know how to turn you on.
So you show him, and being so naive,
he won't ask for anything.
So if I ask him
to visit the fishmongers on Friday,
I won't have to shop
for cheese on the Saturday.
God only hopes you're talking in metaphor.
No, he likes fish.
- I like cheese.
- Sounds like the perfect match there.
What you wanna do is, when he comes in,
look him in the eyes seductively,
then whisper what you'll do
when you get him home.
- Where are you getting this advice from?
- "Woman's Weekly".
It doesn't just tell you
how to bake brownies.
I really hope you're not talking in metaphor.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
- You can come in if you have Pringles.
- I've got cornflakes stuck to me T-shirt.
- Come in, James. Cup of tea?
- Yes, please.
- Hi, James.
- Hello, Louise.
(MOUTHS)
You know what
I'm going to do to you tonight?
No... but I'd like you to tell me.
I'm going to make you
a huge shepherd's pie...
with real mash.
Oh... That's lovely.
Thanks, Louise.
That makes me feel so very... hungry.
- Hello, me little piss-flap.
- Hello!
You're in a good mood.
Recovered from this morning, jealous-arse?
I was being daft 'cause I love you so much.
- Enough to marry me?
- Oh, bugger, no.
But I think you should keep Andy's letter.
It's part of your past,
part of what makes you special.
- What letter?
- From that Andy we went to school with.
What? "Phwoar!" Andy?
I had such a crush on him. When I sat next
to him in assembly, I'd leave a damp patch.
I know. I was saying to Andy
the other day how much we've all changed.
- You talked to Andy the other day?
- I just bumped into him.
You just "bumped into him"?!
Just "bumped" into
one of your old boyfriends?!
How often do you just "bump" into Andy?
I don't know. Every couple of months.
There's nothing in it.
You don't see me
casually "bumping" into me exes.
Jonny, stop using the word "bump".
- Louise, I'm on Jonny's side on this one.
- Thank you, James.
In fact, let's go back to the pub
and talk about your bumping.
- Come on, James.
- Not 'im. He wears tweed.
I've only got £70, as well,
so I can't really afford it.
Get up.
Jonny!
- Hey, wanna hear my news?
- I didn't feel a thing,
not from the sexy look,
the dirty whispering, nothing.
- Yeah. Wanna hear my news?
- It was like talking to my brother.
- Third and final time...
- I felt nothing.
Bollocks, Louise. You're probably gay.
What do you mean?
It's the brown suit, isn't it?
You should dump James
and become a lesbian. It's your only option.
Well, I did hear there's
a lot of money in lesbianism.
- Louise, you are not a lesbian.
- How do you know? I've never tried.
- Are you sexually attracted to women?
- I'm quite taken with Fatima Whitbread.
- Do you fancy me or Donna?
- Oh, God, no.
Us lipstick lesbians
are disgusted by you butch types.
- Come on. What's your news?
- Well, my mum...
I love hearing stories about Donna's mother.
They're full of gin and sailors.
Just like Michael Portillo.
- Have you got any Temazepam for her?
- No, I fed it to that stray cat.
- Oh, God! What happened?
- Can you hear any miaowing?
- My mum wants me to move out.
- Why?
- So she can massage men for cash.
- You could move in here.
- Won't Jonny mind?
- He wouldn't notice.
He's too busy constructing
that cyborg for "Robot Wars".
- How's that going?
- It's just a turnip with a light bulb in it.
He's getting there, bless him.
He's painted a face on it.
- All right. Will you help me get me stuff?
- Sure. Come on. Louise?
No, I'm going to stay
and think about all the wonderful things
Jennifer Lopez's bottom does.
(INAUDIBLE)
- What are you doin'?
- Movin' out like you asked me to.
What?! No, you can't move out.
- I've already done it, Mum. I'm gone.
- Well, you can't.
- What will I do without you?
- Pummel the buttocks of Runcorn.
That's all fallen through. Apparently,
it's illegal to advertise in phone boxes.
Why, I don't know. British Telecom do it.
Mum, you'll be fine.
It's time I moved out. I'm nearly 22.
Where will you go?
I'll stay at Janet's,
then a little flat, probably.
No. You know what they do
to people who live in flats? They kill them.
And who is this "they"?
Communists.
Don't worry. My sister'll be here.
She's only 15.
She can't drink and smoke like you can.
She sits in her room all day
listening to Burt Bacharach. Weird.
She'll be fine. She'll stay
with us for a few days, then find a place.
See you, Mrs Henshaw.
I'll give you ring in a bit, right? Bye.
This has been watered down. Katie!
Find this Andy
and kick him into next Tuesday.
- I'll do better than that.
- What? Wednesday?
Go and get the drinks in, you.
Listen, just because Janet had a boyfriend
once, it doesn't mean doodly-twat.
- Donna called him "Phwoar!" Andy.
- Yeah, that was well out of order.
I don't want to interrupt, but I've heard you
call every woman we pass "phwoar" something.
It wasn't "phwoar something". It was,
"Phwoar! Love me big time, me bitches."
Jonny. Janet loves you very, very much.
She twinkles like a fairy when she sees you.
I know about these things.
I've done aromatherapy.
Oi, where's me peanuts?
Janet might rekindle what they had together.
Well, you were laughing last week
about how you were never marrying her.
- You could spend more time with me.
- Gazzie, you're so romantic.
Go and get me some chicken lips.
No one gets married till they're 30.
Women can have babies when they're 50.
It's probably easier then. The birth canal's
all stretched after a life of large portions.
- Apparently, chickens don't have lips.
- What? Nobody told me.
My mother had me at 47, with the aid
of a turkey baster and a taxi driver.
While casual sex exists,
there's no need for women to settle down.
- What do you know? You're still a virgin.
- I know, but I practise in the bath.
No, we've got to do something about this.
- I'll get Andy round.
- And fork him in the eye.
No. No violence. I'll just tell him
to back off, leave Janet alone.
What if he cock-drops you?
See? I told you that was a word.
Thanks, Louise. You could've helped a bit.
I'm not helping unless one of you kisses me.
God, Louise, you're a sick, sick pervo.
Being gay is not perverted, you fascist.
- Pretending to be is, though.
- I'm not pretending, I'm deciding.
- What's to decide?
- Which one of you I'll pull first.
Louise, it'd be like kissing me uncle.
Did I say I'd decided on you,
Miss I'm-A-Big-Gay-Icon?
- Oh, so you want to snog Donna?
- Oh, no. She smokes rollies.
It'd be like kissing a darts player.
Well, thanks. That's given me a boost.
- Look, won't one of you just snog me?
- No!
- It'd be an experience.
- No!
- I promise I won't tell.
- For God's sake, no!
I'll give you 50 quid.
Hey, Gaz. Draw!
- Look at this!
- I can hear Louise's voice.
It's the snakebite.
I hear the Moomins most Saturdays.
- Shh! No, listen.
- What are you doin'?!
- I don't want to spy on our girlfriends.
- Oh, yes, you do!
Whoa! That's revolting!
That's brilliant.
- Somebody should stop 'em.
- No way.
If I'd known,
I'd have worn drawstring trousers.
Well, I think that was
a defining moment in our friendship.
Yes. Yes, it was.
There was no need
for tongues, though, Louise.
You got off lightly. Is that yours?
Oh, no. It's mine. Thanks.
Does anyone feel a bit gay?
I feel kind of weird.
- Sexy weird?
- Sicky weird. Like I've eaten too much corn.
- Maybe if I flashed a bit of leg...
- Louise, no!
- What do you feel, Louise?
- Well, I don't fancy either of you.
Oh, well, that's good news.
Maybe I need someone
a bit more sophisticated.
Maybe you're straight - just a suggestion.
Oh, God. I'm going to have to face up
to the fact that I... just don't fancy James.
(GAZ AND JONNY LAUGH)
- Hello, arse carpet.
- Hello!
- Jonny!
- Hello, Louise.
James...
- We really need to talk.
- No, we don't.
You sit down, and I'll stay
in my little bubble of ignorance.
♪ La-la la-la la-la... ♪
James, come with me now.
Raarr! I like a feisty bird!
Gaz, did you teach him that?
No, but he taught me
how to catch spit in my mouth.
Come on!
- What are all these boxes?
- It's all Donna's stuff. Jonny?
Jonny? You don't mind
if Donna stays for a few days, do you?
- As long as you don't start snoggin' her.
- Oh, you saw.
Yeah, and I don't appreciate
you being unfaithful to me,
especially not with a girl -
makes me feel hurt... and painfully aroused.
- Jonny, I got 50 quid for that.
- Oh, so you're a prossie now?
I'm goin' out with a whore.
This is a den of iniquity.
- Can I move in, then?
- You flaunt old boyfriends, now this.
You're a shameless hussy. Phone him.
- What?!
- Phone "Phwoar!" Andy. Get him down here.
Bring him to me.
I'll sort this out like a man, man-to-man,
Brotherhood of Man... Isle of Man.
Have we got any cock-dropping equipment?
- Donna, why didn't you ask me?
- You wouldn't like it.
- It's only polite to ask.
- All right.
- Can I stay with you?
- Can't you stay with Janet?
- OK.
- Problem solved.
Listen, right. A girl once told me
that I turned her into a lesbian.
If I invited her over,
would you do what you were doing?
- What? Snog her?
- Yeah.
Whatever else lesbians do -
present shows on Channel 4, et cetera.
- Minimum fee of 50 quid.
- 50 quid?!
Who are you? Mega Muff?
I've got to finish it, James.
- W-Why?
- Well, you see, the problem is...
I'm disgusted
at the thought of having sex with you.
We don't need to have sex.
I could just be a trophy boyfriend.
- I could stand there looking pretty.
- I couldn't have a relationship like that.
You can. Look at the Queen.
I'm really sorry, James.
I think I'm gonna cry.
I can't believe it's over!
Oh! Oh! Come here!
(SQUEALS) James!
You can't blame a man for trying!
Now I'll have to pay for it.
Damn. I swore I'd never be like my father.
I hope by meeting Andy,
you'll see I don't have feelings for him.
- What if he has feelings for you?
- If a girl had feelings for you,
- you wouldn't run off with her.
- How big are her tits?
Ow! You f!
You can't blame me for feeling insecure.
No one's ever fancied you before.
Cheers!
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
That will be Andy.
This is Andy.
- This is Andy?
- This is Andy.
As you can see,
he's not going to fondle me in any way.
Is he real?
Can we keep him?
I can't believe it.
Look, he's just so precious. Look!
I love this man. I love you, Andy.
Is this the one you said was "phwoar", Donna?
I think he's been ill.
- Gaz, get your coat. We're celebrating.
- Can we take Andy?
No, I insist that Andy
stay with Janet and Donna
to show how much trust
we have in our partners.
See you, mate. Nice one.
- Janet?
- Yes, Donna?
Who the hell is that?
This is Colin from the chemist. He's always
up for a laugh. Out you go, Colin. Shoo!
- So, why didn't you ring Andy?
- God, Donna, Andy's gorgeous.
I don't want to have to stop seeing him.
What? Jonny'll never find out.
I'm dyin'! Help me!
- Feel my forehead.
- Why? Is it hot?
- No, it's dead slimy. I was sick on it.
- Jonny!
(SCREAMS)
Andy.
I wish Janet'd come home.
She'd look after me properly.
- Listen, Janet...
- Look, I've heard that line before.
I'm just gonna go...