Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 4, Episode 9 - Drip - full transcript
There are plenty of problems with the apartment block. Ashley's apartment toilet has sprung leaks leaks, which are leaving the boys' bedrooms on the floor below wet. They have considerably difficulty getting a good night's sleep. Berg ends up in with Sharon and Johnny, and Pete ends up in Ashley's apartment.
PETE! WHAT?
MOVE OVER!
OKAY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BED?!
JOGGING!
Y-YOU CAN'T SLEEP HERE, BERG.
PEOPLE TALK AS IT IS.
SOMETHING FROM ASHLEY'S
APARTMENT IS LEAKING ON MY BED.
I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN 48 HOURS,
AND I HAVE TO BE BACK AT
THE HOSPITAL IN THE MORNING.
THE COUCH IS CLOSER
TO THE HOSPITAL.
WHY DON'T YOU GO SLEEP THERE?
I CAN'T, OKAY?
LAST WEEK, I SPILLED
MILK ON THE COUCH,
AND FOR SOME
REASON, NOW IT SMELLS.
SO GO SLEEP ON THE FLOOR.
I CAN'T!
FOR SOME REASON,
THERE'S A LINE OF ANTS
HEADING TOWARDS THE COUCH!
FINE.
YOU CAN SLEEP HERE.
GOOD.
IF YOU DON'T MIND,
I'M JUST GONNA
READ A LITTLE BIT.
OH, THE TV WON'T
BOTHER YOU, WILL IT?
AND NOW... THE SINGING FISH.
♪ I WANT TO KNOW ♪
♪ CAN YOU HELP ME? ♪
♪ HOW I LOVE TO STAY... ♪
THAT'S THE LAST
TIME I BUY YOU A GIFT
OUT OF THE AIRPLANE CATALOGUE!
YOU CAN'T FOOL
ME. I KNOW IT'S YOU!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M GONNA PAINT MY DOOR.
ACCORDING TO FENG SHUI, A
BLUE DOOR SAYS "WELCOME"!
NOW GO HOME!
HEY, IRENE, I'M NOT HERE
FOR WHAT YOU THINK.
I JUST REALLY NEED
A PLACE TO SLEEP.
OH, AND YOU THOUGHT,
"WHY NOT ON TOP OF IRENE?"
LOOK, I TOLD YOU, I'M NOT
READY TO COMMIT TO YOU.
BESIDES, MY HANDS ARE FULL.
FRANKLY, SOME OF THE
CATS ARE REALLY VERY HIGH
FROM THE PAINT!
LOOK, IRENE, SOMETHING
FROM ASHLEY'S APARTMENT
IS LEAKING ON MY BED.
I JUST NEED A PLACE
TO SLEEP, THAT'S ALL.
GO TELL HER TO FIX THE LEAK.
SHE'S AT THE HOSPITAL.
ALL RIGHT, THEN, JUST
GO SLEEP IN HER ROOM.
HERE'S HER KEY.
PLEASE TELL ME JOHNNY
LOANED YOU HIS KEY.
ONCE. THAT'S WHEN
I HAD THESE MADE.
HEY, BABY, WHERE YOU BEEN?
NOT NOW, SWEETHEART. I
GOTTA CALL THE ROOFER GUY.
THREE HOURS I WAITED FOR
HIM, AND HE NEVER SHOWED UP!
OH, GOD, THAT REMINDS ME...
THE ROOFER GUY CALLED,
AND HE CAN'T SHOW UP.
WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?!
I WAS ABOUT TO, BUT
THE PHONE BROKE.
WHAT HAPPENED TO IT?
I DON'T KNOW! WHAT
ARE YOU ASKING ME FOR?!
THINGS FALL ONTO OTHER THINGS!
THE GARBAGE
DISPOSAL'S BROKEN, TOO.
WHAT A DAY I AM HAVING!
EVERYTHING IS GOING WRONG!
FIRST OF ALL, THERE WAS...
WHY IS THIS BEER WARM,
AND COME THE LITTLE
LIGHT'S NOT COMING ON?!
OH.
I THOUGHT I UNPLUGGED
THE DISPOSAL.
GOD, BABY, YOU'RE SO TENSE.
HERE.
OHH, OH, GOD, THAT
FEELS SO GOOD.
SEE?
TOMORROW'S GONNA
BE A BETTER DAY.
LOWER.
TOMORROW'S GONNA
BE A BETTER DAY.
MAYBE I COULD TAKE
YOUR MIND OFF THINGS.
OH, YEAH?
WHAT EXACTLY DID
YOU HAVE IN MIND?
I WENT TO THE STORE TODAY.
DID YOU GET CANDLES?
OH, YEAH.
DID YOU GET MASSAGE
OIL? OH, YEAH!
DID YOU GET PROTECTION?
GOD, I REALLY GOTTA
START MAKING UP A LIST!
BUT I GOT MY HOPES
UP AND EVERYTHING!
WELL, BABY, JUST GO
OUT AND BUY SOME MORE.
IT'S FREEZING OUTSIDE,
AND BELIEVE ME,
COLD IS NOT GONNA
HELP US IN THE LONG RUN.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, THEN, UM,
THEN GO GET SOME
FROM PETE AND BERG.
EW!
THEN I'LL GO ASK.
I'M NOT GONNA HAVE
THEM SITTING UP THERE
KNOWING THEIR PROTECTION'S
GETTING LUCKY WITH MY WIFE.
WELL, THEN, YOU'D BETTER
GO TAKE A COLD... BATH.
THE SHOWER HEAD BROKE OFF.
OH, GROSS!
OHH... I SHOULD HAVE
ASKED FOR THESE BACK
WHEN WE BROKE UP.
I AM THE TOILET KING.
STUPID ASHLEY!
MY CARPET!
MY MAGAZINES!
YEAH?
HEY, DOROTHY. BUILDING
A TORNADO SHELTER?
DO YOU KNOW WHERE JOHNNY
IS? HE'S NOT ANSWERING HIS PHONE.
WELL, IT'S THE
MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
HE'S PROBABLY ASLEEP,
LIKE MOST NORMAL PEOPLE!
AH... SO YOU'VE BEEN
WATCHING US. GOOD.
LISTEN, SINCE YOU'RE AWAKE
AND YOUR BED IS EMPTY,
DO YOU THINK I COULD
CRASH HERE TONIGHT?
I TOLD YOU, I AM NO
LONGER INTERESTED IN YOU.
THAT'S WHY IT'S EASY TO ASK.
OH, OH, I UNDERSTAND PERFECTLY.
YOU DON'T GET THIRSTY
UNTIL THE WELL RUNS DRY.
TAKE AWAY YOUR CANDY,
SUDDENLY YOU HAVE A SWEET TOOTH.
COULD YOU USE
EARTH WORDS, PLEASE?
YOU WANT ME.
OKAY, YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT, IRENE.
ALL THESE YEARS OF SNUBBING
YOU HAVE BEEN AN ELABORATE RUSE
TO GET YOU IN BED TONIGHT.
WOW, THIS IS BORDERING
ON OBSESSION.
DON'T MAKE ME GET A
RESTRAINING ORDER.
YOU CAN HAVE MINE!
JUST REVERSE THE NAMES!
I'LL BE OFF IN A SECOND.
I JUST HAVE TO
CHECK MY MESSAGES.
I WENT OUT WITH THIS
TERRIFIC GUY THE OTHER NIGHT.
HE'S REALLY RICH, NOT
THAT THAT MATTERS.
Berg: HELLO?
W-WHO IS THIS?
WELL, YOU CALLED
ME.WHO DO YOU THINK?
BERG?!
YEP.
NO!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
IN MY APARTMENT?!
I'M NOT IN YOUR APARTMENT.
WHY WOULD I BE IN
YOUR APARTMENT?
Y-Y-YOU WERE THINKING OF
YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND BERG,
so you accidentally
dialed me instead.
I UNDERSTAND. I'M MORE
ADDICTIVE THAN CRACK.
HEY, IS THAT MY MUSIC BOX?
NO.
OKAY, SO, HYPOTHETICALLY,
SINCE YOU'RE IN YOUR APARTMENT,
IF I CALL YOU BACK, YOU'RE
GONNA PICK UP YOUR PHONE?
NOT A CHANCE, LADY! YOU
REALLY GOTTA GET OVER ME!
WHAT?! I MEAN... AAHH!
Sharon.
SHARON... NO.
CAN'T WE JUST MESS AROUND?
JOHNNY, IF YOU COULD
JUST MESS AROUND,
WE WOULDN'T KEEP
RUNNING OUT OF PROTECTION.
IF YOU COULD MAKE A LIST,
WE'D BE MAKING WITH THE
BUMP-BUMPS RIGHT NOW.
COME ON, IT'S NOT
LIKE I DON'T WANT TO,
BUT, I MEAN, WE
GOTTA BE RESPONSIBLE.
IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE TEENAGERS.
ARE YOU MAKING
FUN OF MY PARENTS?
I JUST DON'T THINK
IT'S WORTH THE RISK.
THE RISK IS TINY! IT'S
RIDICULOUSLY TINY!
YEAH, HOW TINY?
WELL, I WORK A LOT AROUND
ELECTRICAL CURRENTS.
I'M PRETTY SURE I'M STERILE.
OH, OH, THAT'S GOOD.
AS WE WALK BY
PEOPLE, THEY'LL SAY,
"LOOKY, THERE GOES
THE STERILE ELECTRICIAN
AND HIS PREGNANT BRIDE."
I CAN HANDLE THAT. I LOVE KIDS.
I COULD SAY I WANTED TO
RAISE TIGERS RIGHT NOW,
AND YOU'D SAY YES.
SURE, WE COULD WORK
THEM INTO OUR MAGIC ACT.
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
SERIOUSLY, JOHNNY, I DON'T
THINK YOU'RE READY TO BE A FATHER.
WHOA, WHOA! WHAT'S
THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
I'M GONNA BE A GREAT DAD.
YES, YOU WILL,
SOMEDAY, BUT NOT NOW.
EVERYTHING MAKES YOU ANGRY...
BROKEN PHONES, WARM BEER.
I AM GOING TO BE
THE MOST PATIENT
AND UNDERSTANDING
FATHER A CHILD HAS EVER HAD.
GO AWAY!
HEY, THANKS, BUDDY, I, UH,
I REALLY NEED A PLACE TO CRASH.
NOT HERE!
NO, MY BED IS SOAKING WET.
THE COUCH SMELLS,
AND ASHLEY'S GOT THIS...
I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE THINKS
I'M OBSESSED WITH HER.
I MEAN, SHE... SHE'S THE
ONE WHO'S OFF-BALANCE.
SHE'S THE ONE WHO
SPENT FOUR MONTHS
IN A SPECIAL HOSPITAL.
THEY DIDN'T TAKE AWAY MY
MIRRORS AND SHOELACES.
YOU DON'T SEE ME UP IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
TALKING TO MYSELF, DO YOU?
NO, YOU DO NOT.
WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED?
LOOK, JUST BECAUSE I
KNOCK ON YOUR DOOR ONCE
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
DOES NOT MEAN THAT
I'M OBSESSED WITH YOU.
THIS IS THE SECOND
TIME YOU'VE KNOCKED.
OH, AND THAT MAKES ME OBSESSED?
LOOK, I'M JUST THE KNOCKER.
YOU'RE THE COUNTER KNOCKER
OH, PETE, THIS IS CLASSIC.
IT DOESN'T TAKE
DR. FREUD TO NOTICE
YOU WORKED "KNOCKERS"
INTO THE CONVERSATION.
WHAT?! WHAT?!
NO, NO, NO, IRENE, THAT IS...
YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS
CONVERSATION IS OVER!
THEN WHY ARE YOU
STILL STANDING HERE?
B-B-B... AH!
GAAH!
'CAUSE IT'S A FREE
COUNTRY, THAT'S WHY!
AAGH!
THAT DOES IT! THAT DOES IT!
ASHLEY!
BLANKET... WHERE'S MY BLANKET?
SHUT UP, BERG!
HEY... EASY.
THE LITTLE FELLA
LOST HIS BLANKET.
YOU DO KNOW THAT'S BERG, RIGHT?
I'M JUST TRYING TO
SHOW A LITTLE PATIENCE
AND UNDERSTANDING.
HEY, I THINK THAT'S MY
NATURAL FATHERLY INSTINCTS
KICKING IN.
OKAY, FINE.
BUT IF HE'S HUNGRY,
I'M NOT BREAST-FEEDING.
HEY... HERE YOU GO.
THERE, THAT'S RIGHT, SLUGGER.
THAT'S A BLANKET.
ASHLEY!
OW!
DAMN KEY!
HELLO?
HUH.
THAT'S FUNNY, I ALWAYS THOUGHT
THERE'D BE A 3-HEADED
DOG GUARDING THIS ROOM.
HUH.
COME ON, BOY! THERE'S
TROUBLE AT THE WELL!
THAT'S A GOOD BOY!
STAY. STAY.
THAT'S TOILET WATER. YOU ENJOY.
MR. JEEBERS!
COME HERE, BABY!
MR. JEEBERS!
MR. JEEBERS, WHERE ARE YOU?
AAAAHHH!
WHAT'S THAT? THERE'S A SOUND.
HONEY!
WHAT?
BERG'S TALKING
IN HIS SLEEP AGAIN.
THAT'S 10 TIMES TONIGHT.
AAH! DAMN IT!
DAMN IT.
SHH, BERG, IT'S OKAY, BUDDY.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
JUST FIXING HIS PILLOW.
JUST FLUFFING HIS PILLOW.
UHH.
DO YOU HAVE SOME WATER?
WHAT?
THIRSTY.
YEAH, FINE.
4:00 IN THE MORNING...
GETTING HIM A DRINK OF WATER.
NOBODY EVER GOT
ME A DRINK OF WATER.
BATHROOM LIGHT IS
ON. NO ONE'S IN THERE.
I'M THE TOILET KING.
Man: HEY, ASHLEY... IT'S DeVO.
I HAD A GREAT TIE
THE OTHER NIGH.
GIVE ME A CAL.
MY NUMBER IS -
Electronic voice:
MESSAGE ERASED.
OOPS.
ONE AND TWO AND
ONE AND TWO AND...
DON'T WORRY, BABY.
OKAY, MAMA'S HERE.
ONE... TWO...
WAKE UP!
BERG, GO TO BED.
I HEARD A NOISE!
IT'S NOTHING LIKE THE
NOISE YOU'RE GONNA HEAR
IF I HAVE TO GET UP.
BERG, JUST GO BACK TO
SLEEP. IT WAS NOTHING.
BUT YOU GUYS, I...
BUT... BUT WHAT?
DO YOU HAVE ANY JUICE?
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
JOHNNY, HE ONLY ASKED FOR JUICE.
WHY DO YOU BABY HIM?
COME ON, LET'S GO.
YOU'RE GOING BACK UPSTAIRS.
I DON'T WANNA GO
UPSTAIRS. I WANT SOME JUICE.
YOU CAN GET YOUR
OWN JUICE UPSTAIRS.
FINE!
I WILL GET MY OWN
JUICE UPSTAIRS.
AH! NO, NO, NO.
YOU'RE GOING UP TO YOUR ROOM!
GREAT, GREAT, I
WANNA GO TO MY ROOM.
GOOD.
YOU'LL BE SORRY WHEN I'M DEAD!
IT'S LIKE DEALING WITH A BABY!
NOW, SWEETIE, THAT IS NOT FAIR.
YOU CANNOT COMPARE
BERG TO A BABY.
BABIES HAVE POTENTIAL.
I HATE TO ADMIT IT, BUT
I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.
OF COURSE I WAS!
ABOUT WHAT THIS TIME?
ABOUT ME NOT BEING
READY TO HAVE A BABY.
FROM NOW ON, WE
USE PROTECTION...
TWO AT A TIME.
OKAY.
GOODNIGHT.
GOODNIGHT.
MMM... MMM...
OKAY... BASEBALL,
SISTER MARGARET,
108 TIMES 5, BASEBALL...
DO ALL THE MEN IN YOUR
BEDGET THAT WARNING?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BED?
WELL, I HAD A BIT OF PORRIDGE...
I'M SORRY, I MUST
HAVE FALLEN ASLEEP.
THIS BED IS REALLY COMFORTABLE.
IS THIS EGYPTIAN COTTON?
MY MUSIC BOX!
OH, YEAH. HERE.
HERE'S YOUR LITTLE TOY.
IT IS NOT A TOY! YOU
BROKE PRETTY CATHY!
SO, DO YOU HAVE A LIGHTER?
I'LL MELT HER FEET
RIGHT BACK ON.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I CAME UP HERE
TO FIX YOUR TOILET.
IT'S LEAKING INTO OUR APARTMENT.
AH! MY POODLE COZY!
I KNOW, I TRIED TO STOP HIM.
HE'S SO BRAVE.
AH!
WELL, GO DOWN AND
TURN OFF THE WATER MAIN!
I'M NOT GOING DOWN TO THE
DEPARTMENT OF WATER AND POWER
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!
IT'S RIGHT OUTSIDE THE
BUILDING BY THE GARBAGE BINS.
I KNOW THAT!
I THOUGHT YOU MEANT TURN
OFF THE WATER TO THE CITY!
PETE?
NO, NO, NO, IRENE, IT'S
NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!
I'M NOT OBSESSED WITH YOU!
YOU WANT TO LOOK?! FINE!
GET IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM!
YOU CAN'T SLEEP HERE.
YOU CAN SLEEP THERE.
MOVE OVER!
OKAY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BED?!
JOGGING!
Y-YOU CAN'T SLEEP HERE, BERG.
PEOPLE TALK AS IT IS.
SOMETHING FROM ASHLEY'S
APARTMENT IS LEAKING ON MY BED.
I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN 48 HOURS,
AND I HAVE TO BE BACK AT
THE HOSPITAL IN THE MORNING.
THE COUCH IS CLOSER
TO THE HOSPITAL.
WHY DON'T YOU GO SLEEP THERE?
I CAN'T, OKAY?
LAST WEEK, I SPILLED
MILK ON THE COUCH,
AND FOR SOME
REASON, NOW IT SMELLS.
SO GO SLEEP ON THE FLOOR.
I CAN'T!
FOR SOME REASON,
THERE'S A LINE OF ANTS
HEADING TOWARDS THE COUCH!
FINE.
YOU CAN SLEEP HERE.
GOOD.
IF YOU DON'T MIND,
I'M JUST GONNA
READ A LITTLE BIT.
OH, THE TV WON'T
BOTHER YOU, WILL IT?
AND NOW... THE SINGING FISH.
♪ I WANT TO KNOW ♪
♪ CAN YOU HELP ME? ♪
♪ HOW I LOVE TO STAY... ♪
THAT'S THE LAST
TIME I BUY YOU A GIFT
OUT OF THE AIRPLANE CATALOGUE!
YOU CAN'T FOOL
ME. I KNOW IT'S YOU!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M GONNA PAINT MY DOOR.
ACCORDING TO FENG SHUI, A
BLUE DOOR SAYS "WELCOME"!
NOW GO HOME!
HEY, IRENE, I'M NOT HERE
FOR WHAT YOU THINK.
I JUST REALLY NEED
A PLACE TO SLEEP.
OH, AND YOU THOUGHT,
"WHY NOT ON TOP OF IRENE?"
LOOK, I TOLD YOU, I'M NOT
READY TO COMMIT TO YOU.
BESIDES, MY HANDS ARE FULL.
FRANKLY, SOME OF THE
CATS ARE REALLY VERY HIGH
FROM THE PAINT!
LOOK, IRENE, SOMETHING
FROM ASHLEY'S APARTMENT
IS LEAKING ON MY BED.
I JUST NEED A PLACE
TO SLEEP, THAT'S ALL.
GO TELL HER TO FIX THE LEAK.
SHE'S AT THE HOSPITAL.
ALL RIGHT, THEN, JUST
GO SLEEP IN HER ROOM.
HERE'S HER KEY.
PLEASE TELL ME JOHNNY
LOANED YOU HIS KEY.
ONCE. THAT'S WHEN
I HAD THESE MADE.
HEY, BABY, WHERE YOU BEEN?
NOT NOW, SWEETHEART. I
GOTTA CALL THE ROOFER GUY.
THREE HOURS I WAITED FOR
HIM, AND HE NEVER SHOWED UP!
OH, GOD, THAT REMINDS ME...
THE ROOFER GUY CALLED,
AND HE CAN'T SHOW UP.
WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?!
I WAS ABOUT TO, BUT
THE PHONE BROKE.
WHAT HAPPENED TO IT?
I DON'T KNOW! WHAT
ARE YOU ASKING ME FOR?!
THINGS FALL ONTO OTHER THINGS!
THE GARBAGE
DISPOSAL'S BROKEN, TOO.
WHAT A DAY I AM HAVING!
EVERYTHING IS GOING WRONG!
FIRST OF ALL, THERE WAS...
WHY IS THIS BEER WARM,
AND COME THE LITTLE
LIGHT'S NOT COMING ON?!
OH.
I THOUGHT I UNPLUGGED
THE DISPOSAL.
GOD, BABY, YOU'RE SO TENSE.
HERE.
OHH, OH, GOD, THAT
FEELS SO GOOD.
SEE?
TOMORROW'S GONNA
BE A BETTER DAY.
LOWER.
TOMORROW'S GONNA
BE A BETTER DAY.
MAYBE I COULD TAKE
YOUR MIND OFF THINGS.
OH, YEAH?
WHAT EXACTLY DID
YOU HAVE IN MIND?
I WENT TO THE STORE TODAY.
DID YOU GET CANDLES?
OH, YEAH.
DID YOU GET MASSAGE
OIL? OH, YEAH!
DID YOU GET PROTECTION?
GOD, I REALLY GOTTA
START MAKING UP A LIST!
BUT I GOT MY HOPES
UP AND EVERYTHING!
WELL, BABY, JUST GO
OUT AND BUY SOME MORE.
IT'S FREEZING OUTSIDE,
AND BELIEVE ME,
COLD IS NOT GONNA
HELP US IN THE LONG RUN.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, THEN, UM,
THEN GO GET SOME
FROM PETE AND BERG.
EW!
THEN I'LL GO ASK.
I'M NOT GONNA HAVE
THEM SITTING UP THERE
KNOWING THEIR PROTECTION'S
GETTING LUCKY WITH MY WIFE.
WELL, THEN, YOU'D BETTER
GO TAKE A COLD... BATH.
THE SHOWER HEAD BROKE OFF.
OH, GROSS!
OHH... I SHOULD HAVE
ASKED FOR THESE BACK
WHEN WE BROKE UP.
I AM THE TOILET KING.
STUPID ASHLEY!
MY CARPET!
MY MAGAZINES!
YEAH?
HEY, DOROTHY. BUILDING
A TORNADO SHELTER?
DO YOU KNOW WHERE JOHNNY
IS? HE'S NOT ANSWERING HIS PHONE.
WELL, IT'S THE
MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
HE'S PROBABLY ASLEEP,
LIKE MOST NORMAL PEOPLE!
AH... SO YOU'VE BEEN
WATCHING US. GOOD.
LISTEN, SINCE YOU'RE AWAKE
AND YOUR BED IS EMPTY,
DO YOU THINK I COULD
CRASH HERE TONIGHT?
I TOLD YOU, I AM NO
LONGER INTERESTED IN YOU.
THAT'S WHY IT'S EASY TO ASK.
OH, OH, I UNDERSTAND PERFECTLY.
YOU DON'T GET THIRSTY
UNTIL THE WELL RUNS DRY.
TAKE AWAY YOUR CANDY,
SUDDENLY YOU HAVE A SWEET TOOTH.
COULD YOU USE
EARTH WORDS, PLEASE?
YOU WANT ME.
OKAY, YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT, IRENE.
ALL THESE YEARS OF SNUBBING
YOU HAVE BEEN AN ELABORATE RUSE
TO GET YOU IN BED TONIGHT.
WOW, THIS IS BORDERING
ON OBSESSION.
DON'T MAKE ME GET A
RESTRAINING ORDER.
YOU CAN HAVE MINE!
JUST REVERSE THE NAMES!
I'LL BE OFF IN A SECOND.
I JUST HAVE TO
CHECK MY MESSAGES.
I WENT OUT WITH THIS
TERRIFIC GUY THE OTHER NIGHT.
HE'S REALLY RICH, NOT
THAT THAT MATTERS.
Berg: HELLO?
W-WHO IS THIS?
WELL, YOU CALLED
ME.WHO DO YOU THINK?
BERG?!
YEP.
NO!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
IN MY APARTMENT?!
I'M NOT IN YOUR APARTMENT.
WHY WOULD I BE IN
YOUR APARTMENT?
Y-Y-YOU WERE THINKING OF
YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND BERG,
so you accidentally
dialed me instead.
I UNDERSTAND. I'M MORE
ADDICTIVE THAN CRACK.
HEY, IS THAT MY MUSIC BOX?
NO.
OKAY, SO, HYPOTHETICALLY,
SINCE YOU'RE IN YOUR APARTMENT,
IF I CALL YOU BACK, YOU'RE
GONNA PICK UP YOUR PHONE?
NOT A CHANCE, LADY! YOU
REALLY GOTTA GET OVER ME!
WHAT?! I MEAN... AAHH!
Sharon.
SHARON... NO.
CAN'T WE JUST MESS AROUND?
JOHNNY, IF YOU COULD
JUST MESS AROUND,
WE WOULDN'T KEEP
RUNNING OUT OF PROTECTION.
IF YOU COULD MAKE A LIST,
WE'D BE MAKING WITH THE
BUMP-BUMPS RIGHT NOW.
COME ON, IT'S NOT
LIKE I DON'T WANT TO,
BUT, I MEAN, WE
GOTTA BE RESPONSIBLE.
IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE TEENAGERS.
ARE YOU MAKING
FUN OF MY PARENTS?
I JUST DON'T THINK
IT'S WORTH THE RISK.
THE RISK IS TINY! IT'S
RIDICULOUSLY TINY!
YEAH, HOW TINY?
WELL, I WORK A LOT AROUND
ELECTRICAL CURRENTS.
I'M PRETTY SURE I'M STERILE.
OH, OH, THAT'S GOOD.
AS WE WALK BY
PEOPLE, THEY'LL SAY,
"LOOKY, THERE GOES
THE STERILE ELECTRICIAN
AND HIS PREGNANT BRIDE."
I CAN HANDLE THAT. I LOVE KIDS.
I COULD SAY I WANTED TO
RAISE TIGERS RIGHT NOW,
AND YOU'D SAY YES.
SURE, WE COULD WORK
THEM INTO OUR MAGIC ACT.
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
SERIOUSLY, JOHNNY, I DON'T
THINK YOU'RE READY TO BE A FATHER.
WHOA, WHOA! WHAT'S
THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
I'M GONNA BE A GREAT DAD.
YES, YOU WILL,
SOMEDAY, BUT NOT NOW.
EVERYTHING MAKES YOU ANGRY...
BROKEN PHONES, WARM BEER.
I AM GOING TO BE
THE MOST PATIENT
AND UNDERSTANDING
FATHER A CHILD HAS EVER HAD.
GO AWAY!
HEY, THANKS, BUDDY, I, UH,
I REALLY NEED A PLACE TO CRASH.
NOT HERE!
NO, MY BED IS SOAKING WET.
THE COUCH SMELLS,
AND ASHLEY'S GOT THIS...
I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE THINKS
I'M OBSESSED WITH HER.
I MEAN, SHE... SHE'S THE
ONE WHO'S OFF-BALANCE.
SHE'S THE ONE WHO
SPENT FOUR MONTHS
IN A SPECIAL HOSPITAL.
THEY DIDN'T TAKE AWAY MY
MIRRORS AND SHOELACES.
YOU DON'T SEE ME UP IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
TALKING TO MYSELF, DO YOU?
NO, YOU DO NOT.
WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED?
LOOK, JUST BECAUSE I
KNOCK ON YOUR DOOR ONCE
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
DOES NOT MEAN THAT
I'M OBSESSED WITH YOU.
THIS IS THE SECOND
TIME YOU'VE KNOCKED.
OH, AND THAT MAKES ME OBSESSED?
LOOK, I'M JUST THE KNOCKER.
YOU'RE THE COUNTER KNOCKER
OH, PETE, THIS IS CLASSIC.
IT DOESN'T TAKE
DR. FREUD TO NOTICE
YOU WORKED "KNOCKERS"
INTO THE CONVERSATION.
WHAT?! WHAT?!
NO, NO, NO, IRENE, THAT IS...
YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS
CONVERSATION IS OVER!
THEN WHY ARE YOU
STILL STANDING HERE?
B-B-B... AH!
GAAH!
'CAUSE IT'S A FREE
COUNTRY, THAT'S WHY!
AAGH!
THAT DOES IT! THAT DOES IT!
ASHLEY!
BLANKET... WHERE'S MY BLANKET?
SHUT UP, BERG!
HEY... EASY.
THE LITTLE FELLA
LOST HIS BLANKET.
YOU DO KNOW THAT'S BERG, RIGHT?
I'M JUST TRYING TO
SHOW A LITTLE PATIENCE
AND UNDERSTANDING.
HEY, I THINK THAT'S MY
NATURAL FATHERLY INSTINCTS
KICKING IN.
OKAY, FINE.
BUT IF HE'S HUNGRY,
I'M NOT BREAST-FEEDING.
HEY... HERE YOU GO.
THERE, THAT'S RIGHT, SLUGGER.
THAT'S A BLANKET.
ASHLEY!
OW!
DAMN KEY!
HELLO?
HUH.
THAT'S FUNNY, I ALWAYS THOUGHT
THERE'D BE A 3-HEADED
DOG GUARDING THIS ROOM.
HUH.
COME ON, BOY! THERE'S
TROUBLE AT THE WELL!
THAT'S A GOOD BOY!
STAY. STAY.
THAT'S TOILET WATER. YOU ENJOY.
MR. JEEBERS!
COME HERE, BABY!
MR. JEEBERS!
MR. JEEBERS, WHERE ARE YOU?
AAAAHHH!
WHAT'S THAT? THERE'S A SOUND.
HONEY!
WHAT?
BERG'S TALKING
IN HIS SLEEP AGAIN.
THAT'S 10 TIMES TONIGHT.
AAH! DAMN IT!
DAMN IT.
SHH, BERG, IT'S OKAY, BUDDY.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
JUST FIXING HIS PILLOW.
JUST FLUFFING HIS PILLOW.
UHH.
DO YOU HAVE SOME WATER?
WHAT?
THIRSTY.
YEAH, FINE.
4:00 IN THE MORNING...
GETTING HIM A DRINK OF WATER.
NOBODY EVER GOT
ME A DRINK OF WATER.
BATHROOM LIGHT IS
ON. NO ONE'S IN THERE.
I'M THE TOILET KING.
Man: HEY, ASHLEY... IT'S DeVO.
I HAD A GREAT TIE
THE OTHER NIGH.
GIVE ME A CAL.
MY NUMBER IS -
Electronic voice:
MESSAGE ERASED.
OOPS.
ONE AND TWO AND
ONE AND TWO AND...
DON'T WORRY, BABY.
OKAY, MAMA'S HERE.
ONE... TWO...
WAKE UP!
BERG, GO TO BED.
I HEARD A NOISE!
IT'S NOTHING LIKE THE
NOISE YOU'RE GONNA HEAR
IF I HAVE TO GET UP.
BERG, JUST GO BACK TO
SLEEP. IT WAS NOTHING.
BUT YOU GUYS, I...
BUT... BUT WHAT?
DO YOU HAVE ANY JUICE?
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
JOHNNY, HE ONLY ASKED FOR JUICE.
WHY DO YOU BABY HIM?
COME ON, LET'S GO.
YOU'RE GOING BACK UPSTAIRS.
I DON'T WANNA GO
UPSTAIRS. I WANT SOME JUICE.
YOU CAN GET YOUR
OWN JUICE UPSTAIRS.
FINE!
I WILL GET MY OWN
JUICE UPSTAIRS.
AH! NO, NO, NO.
YOU'RE GOING UP TO YOUR ROOM!
GREAT, GREAT, I
WANNA GO TO MY ROOM.
GOOD.
YOU'LL BE SORRY WHEN I'M DEAD!
IT'S LIKE DEALING WITH A BABY!
NOW, SWEETIE, THAT IS NOT FAIR.
YOU CANNOT COMPARE
BERG TO A BABY.
BABIES HAVE POTENTIAL.
I HATE TO ADMIT IT, BUT
I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.
OF COURSE I WAS!
ABOUT WHAT THIS TIME?
ABOUT ME NOT BEING
READY TO HAVE A BABY.
FROM NOW ON, WE
USE PROTECTION...
TWO AT A TIME.
OKAY.
GOODNIGHT.
GOODNIGHT.
MMM... MMM...
OKAY... BASEBALL,
SISTER MARGARET,
108 TIMES 5, BASEBALL...
DO ALL THE MEN IN YOUR
BEDGET THAT WARNING?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BED?
WELL, I HAD A BIT OF PORRIDGE...
I'M SORRY, I MUST
HAVE FALLEN ASLEEP.
THIS BED IS REALLY COMFORTABLE.
IS THIS EGYPTIAN COTTON?
MY MUSIC BOX!
OH, YEAH. HERE.
HERE'S YOUR LITTLE TOY.
IT IS NOT A TOY! YOU
BROKE PRETTY CATHY!
SO, DO YOU HAVE A LIGHTER?
I'LL MELT HER FEET
RIGHT BACK ON.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I CAME UP HERE
TO FIX YOUR TOILET.
IT'S LEAKING INTO OUR APARTMENT.
AH! MY POODLE COZY!
I KNOW, I TRIED TO STOP HIM.
HE'S SO BRAVE.
AH!
WELL, GO DOWN AND
TURN OFF THE WATER MAIN!
I'M NOT GOING DOWN TO THE
DEPARTMENT OF WATER AND POWER
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!
IT'S RIGHT OUTSIDE THE
BUILDING BY THE GARBAGE BINS.
I KNOW THAT!
I THOUGHT YOU MEANT TURN
OFF THE WATER TO THE CITY!
PETE?
NO, NO, NO, IRENE, IT'S
NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!
I'M NOT OBSESSED WITH YOU!
YOU WANT TO LOOK?! FINE!
GET IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM!
YOU CAN'T SLEEP HERE.
YOU CAN SLEEP THERE.