Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 4, Episode 7 - Disco Nights - full transcript

TONIGHT YOU BE THE
RUSSIAN GYMNAST

AND I'LL BE THE OLYMPIC JUDGE.

AND IF YOU WANT A PERFECT SCORE,

WELL, I'M CORRUPTIBLE.

OKAY, THAT SOUNDS GREAT,
BUT, OOH, I'VE GOT AN IDEA!

HOW ABOUT I BE A GYMNAST
AND, UM, YOU BE PETE?

YOU MEAN, LIKE, A FIREMAN?

YEAH, EXACTLY.

FIREMAN PETE.

HEY, LOOK, IF YOU WANT
TO BE WITH PETE SO BAD,

THEN WHY DON'T YOU
GO FOR THE REAL THING?



YOU'RE SUCH A GENIUS! UH...

EXCEPT THAT PETE WOULD
NEVER CHEAT ON MARTI.

HE WOULDN'T BE CHEATING
BECAUSE THEY JUST BROKE UP.

GET OUT!

NO, REALLY. REALLY,
THEY JUST BROKE UP.

NO, NO. GET OUT!

WHAT?

NOW!

I HAVE TO BE ALONE,
TO THINK AND TO PLAN.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT. FINE, FINE.

I'LL BE FIREMAN PETE.

HELLO, I'M HERE TO
SAVE YOU FROM THE FIRE.

YEAH, IT'S OVER.

DEAL WITH IT.



BUT, HEY, YOU DID KEEP
MY ENGINE RUNNING,

AND FOR THAT I THANK YOU.

SO THERE I WAS.

I TOLD MY SEX BUDDY,
"DEAL WITH IT. IT'S OVER."

YOU THINK MARTI'S AT HOME

TALKING TO HER FRIENDS
ABOUT HOW SHE DUMPED ME?

NO, SHE'S WITH
NOMAR GARCIA PARRA.

SHE'S FORGOTTEN ALL
ABOUT YOU! HA HA HA!

WHOO-HOO! SCORE!

VERY GOOD, JOHNNY,

BUT THE ADULTS ARE TALKING.

YOU KNOW, BERG, I
DIDN'T MAKE FUN OF YOU

WHEN ASHLEY
STARTED DATING NOMAR.

YEAH, YOU DID.

WELL, NOT IN FRONT OF YOU,

AND I THINK THAT'S
THE DIFFERENCE.

WOULD YOU STOP PLAYING
WITH YOUR WEDDING RING?

SORRY, MAN.

RING'S UNCOMFORTABLE, YOU KNOW?

I'M NOT USED TO WEARING IT YET.

TAKES A WHILE FOR A DOG

TO GET USED TO HIS COLLAR, TOO.

MAN, THAT HURTS COMING
FROM TWO SINGLE GUYS

IN THEIR KITCHEN
ON A FRIDAY NIGHT.

IS IT FRIDAY NIGHT AGAIN?

WHAT HAPPENED TO US, HUH?

WE USED TO GO OUT TO CLUBS
AND MEET WOMEN EVERY NIGHT.

NO, WE DIDN'T.

WELL, WE USED TO
GO OUT TO CLUBS.

SOMETIMES... THERE'D
BE WOMEN THERE.

PETE, COME ON, LET'S
GO OUT TONIGHT, HUH?

LET'S GO OUT TO A CLUB.

IT'LL BE GOOD TO GET
OUT OF THE KITCHEN.

AH, I'M JUST GOING TO
STAY HERE WITH JOHNNY.

SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M CONTEMPLATING
A TORRID AFFAIR

WITH A SWEATY
CONSTRUCTION WORKER!

HA HA HA!

WELL, YOU BETTER
MAKE IT THAT ONE

'CAUSE HELLO!

I KNOW. I'VE BEEN TRYING

TO GET HIS ATTENTION ALL WEEK.

I'M NOT WEARING A BRA.

OR YOU COULD TRY TALKING TO HIM.

NO, I COULDN'T DO THAT. I
WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

WELL, THINK FAST!

HEY, YOU! MY FRIEND
HAS A CRUSH ON YOU!

I AM NEVER TALKING TO YOU AGAIN!

HEY.

SO, YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON ME?

OOH, SORT OF.

THIS IS KIND OF EMBARRASSING.

I'M NOT USUALLY ATTRACTED
TO MEN WITH MENIAL JOBS.

EXCUSE ME?

NO, NO, NO! NO, NO, NO!

IT'S JUST THAT, UM, I
LIKE INTELLIGENT PEOPLE,

AND YOU JUST DON'T USUALLY
FIND THEM ON ROAD CREWS.

I WAS JUST SAYING
WHAT WAS ON MY MIND.

MEN USED TO LOVE
THAT I WAS HONEST.

JUST TRY BEING NICE.

HEY, I WAS SMILING.

NOT THE SAME!

LOOK, IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW
MUCH THE HANGMAN SMILES,

YOU STILL WIND UP DEAD!

WOW! OOH! DON'T
YOU LOOK SMASHING!

Both: HA HA HA! THANKS.

YOU LOOK NICE, TOO, BERG.

THANKS.

PETE, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW

HOW VERY, VERY, VERY SORRY I WAS

TO HEAR THAT YOU AND
MARTI HAVE PARTED WAYS.

THANKS, IRENE. IT'S
BEEN KIND OF TOUGH.

MAY SHE DIE A
PAINFUL, EARLY DEATH.

SO, IRENE, YOU THINK
I LOOK NICE, HUH?

ANYWAY...

IF YOU EVER NEED A
SHOULDER TO CRY ON

OR A BRAIN TO INTERACT WITH
INSTEAD OF AN EMPTY HEAD...

IRENE, I APPRECIATE
IT, I REALLY DO,

BUT I DON'T WANT TO MISLEAD YOU.

BREAKING UP WITH MARTI

DOESN'T MEAN WE'LL
EVER GET TOGETHER.

YOU'RE JUST MY NEIGHBOR,
AND ALMOST A FRIEND.

THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

IRENE.

IRENE!

DO YOU REMEMBER THE 2-FOOT RULE?

PETE, UH, JOHNNY'S WAITING.

HEY, BERG, CAN I TALK TO
YOU ALONE FOR A SECOND?

UH, YEAH.

WHAT?

HA HA HA! PETE'S
NOT READY TO COMMIT,

SO YOU'RE BACK IN!

FORGET IT, IRENE.

WHAT WE HAD WAS
CHEAP AND MEANINGLESS,

AND YOU JUST THREW THAT AWAY.

YES, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I AM A WASTEFUL LITTLE WENCH,

AND I NEED TO BE PUNISHED!

STOP IT.

I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT.

I'M NOT COMING OVER.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT,
BABY. PUNISH ME.

COME IN.

HEY, YOU READY?

YEAH. HOW DO I LOOK?

I'D LOSE THE FANNY PACK.

HEY.

HEY. WHERE YOU TAKING MY GUY?

OH, WE'RE GOING TO
THAT NEW CLUB, THE LINE.

ONLY THE REAL COOL
PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT IT.

PETE, DON'T TELL ME

YOU'RE STEALING COOL
PEOPLE'S MAIL AGAIN!

IT SOUNDS LIKE
SOMEBODY'S JEALOUS

THAT HER HUSBAND'S GOING OUT

WITH A COUPLE OF CHICK MAGNETS.

HA HA HA!

ALL RIGHT.

I WAS FEELING BAD ABOUT
GOING OUT IN THE PARTY PANTS,

BUT NOW YOU'RE JUST
GOING TO HAVE TO SUFFER.

HELLO? HA HA HA!

OH, HEY, ASH.

OH, YOU LIKE SOMEONE, HUH?

OH, IT'S NOT GOING WELL, HUH?

UH-HUH.

UH-HUH.

OH.

It was a total nightmare!

UH-HUH.

And this cute guy
asks me for directions...

OH, THAT'S A REAL
SHAME. I HEAR YOU.

I said sure 'cause I
am a nice Ashley...

SON OF A...

ASH, GET DRESSED.
WE'RE GOING OUT!

WHAT?

WELL, THEN TAPE "PROVIDENCE"!

WOW. VERY HOT GIRL.

I GUESS PEOPLE DON'T
GO OUT AT 7:00 ANYMORE.

Berg: GOOD EVENING, SIR.

ARE YOU ON THE LIST?

WELL, IF YOU'RE REFERRING
TO BOSTON'S MOST ELIGIBLE,

THEN, UH, NO, SIR, I'M NOT.

WELL, IT'S EARLY.

I GUESS YOU GUYS
CAN COME IN ANYWAY.

20 BUCKS EACH.

OOH! $20?

THAT'S FINE. THAT'S FINE.

IS THAT LIKE A
PERMANENT MEMBERSHIP?

DOES THAT INCLUDE FREE DRINKS?

DRINKS ARE $6.

$6?

6 BUCKS FOR A
DRINK? WHAT A SCAM!

I KNOW A GREAT PLACE
WE CAN GET CHEAP BEERS.

WHEN WE COME BACK HERE,
WE WON'T HAVE TO DRINK.

THEY WON'T KNOW WHAT HIT 'EM.

YEAH, THAT MAKES SENSE.

SOUNDS GOOD.

YOU COMING?

NO, WE FORGOT OUR CONDOMS.

HEY, THIS PLACE GREAT OR WHAT?

I GOT ALL THIS FOR 2 BUCKS.

OH, YEAH!

IF ONLY THE BABES WE'RE
GOING TO MEET TONIGHT

COULD SEE US NOW, HUH?

JOHNNY. JOHNNY!

YOU PUT ONIONS ON OUR HOT DOG.

SO WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

WE'RE HOOKING UP
WITH BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.

HOW DOES SHARON FEEL
ABOUT ONION BREATH?

SHE HATES IT.

HEY, GUYS.

YOU HAVING A COUPLE
OF CURB BREWS

BEFORE YOU COMB FOR BETTYS?

YOU'RE SO OFF THE MARK,
I DON'T WANT TO COMMENT.

I'M GETTING KIND
OF EXCITED, THOUGH.

YOU AND ME, BACK ON THE PROWL.

I KNOW. IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE
WE'VE HAD TO CHARM THE LADIES.

THE BOYS OF BOSTON ARE BACK!

COP! COP! COP!

UH, MY BAD. IT'S A TAXI.

UGH. I HATE THESE MEAT MARKETS.

COME ON, ASH. I
NEED TO FIND JOHNNY.

YEAH, BUT LOOK AT THAT GUY.

DO YOU THINK HE ACTUALLY
LOOKED IN THE MIRROR TONIGHT

AND SAID, "THE MESH
TANK TOP... YEAH!"

YOU KNOW, THIS COULD
BE A GOOD CHANCE

FOR YOU TO PRACTICE
"THE NICE ASHLEY."

FINE.

NICE NIPPLE RING.

HE WAS COURTING YOU. SWEET!

HEY, THERE.

ARE YOU ON THE GUEST LIST?

UH, NO, BUT, YOU SEE,

MY HUSBAND LEFT HIS WEDDING
RING AT HOME WHEN HE CAME HERE,

SO I'M JUST GOING TO GO IN,
KILL HIM, AND THEN WE'RE OUT.

WELL, YOU LOOK
HOT. WHAT THE HECK?

THANKS.

WHAT ABOUT MY FRIEND HERE?

YEAH, SOURPUSS CAN COME IN, TOO.

HEY, THIS IS A LONG
LINE. THIS IS A HOT CLUB.

HEY! NIPPLE RING.

NICE!

YOU KNOW, UM, I-I WAS
GOING TO GET ONE OF THOSE.

INSTEAD I, UH, I
WENT FOR THE WATCH.

HEY, GUYS, GUYS,

LET ME DO THE
TALKING, ALL RIGHT?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THE LAST TIME YOU SAID ANYTHING,

WE LOST THREE BEERS, ALL RIGHT?

JUST LAY LOW. WE'LL
TAKE CARE OF YOU.

HI, THERE. HI. REMEMBER US?

SURE. YOU WERE HERE WHEN
YOU COULD'VE GOTTEN IN.

THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

DO NOT TOUCH THE ROPE!

MAN, YOU NEVER TOUCH THE ROPE.

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW
WHAT? LET ME HANDLE THIS.

HI.

UH, MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL FAN?

YEAH.

RED SOX SHORTSTOP
NOMAR GARCIA PARRA...

HEARD OF HIM?

YEAH.

YEAH, YEAH, WELL,
HERE'S THE THING.

MY GIRLFRIEND
DUMPED ME FOR HIM, SO...

YOU'VE GOT A LOT TO LEARN
ABOUT NAME-DROPPING.

LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST LET US IN, HUH?

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

ARE YOU WITH HIM?

NO CHANCE.

TOO BAD. COME ON IN, GERM.

MAN, YOU GOT TO
HAVE THE THREADS.

SHARON, WE'RE NEVER
GOING TO FIND JOHNNY.

LET'S JUST GET OUT OF HERE.

NO, I'M NOT LEAVING
UNTIL I FIND HIM

AND RAM THIS SYMBOL OF
OUR LOVE DOWN HIS THROAT.

OH, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

I THINK THAT GUY
IS HEADED MY WAY.

OKAY, OKAY, REMEMBER... NICE.

HEY, EXCUSE ME.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO
APOLOGIZE. I NOTICED YOU, TOO.

I'M KIND OF IN A HURRY.

OH, TIGER, BUY ME A DRINK FIRST.

LADY, MOVE!

DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER
HUMILIATING SUGGESTIONS?

TRY NOT TO ACT SO DESPERATE.

I WANT TO MEET A MAN!

YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE UPTIGHT.

YES, OF COURSE I'M
UPTIGHT. I'M UNCOMFORTABLE.

HOW WOULD YOU FEEL
IF YOU WERE AT THE BAR

AND NOBODY NOTICED YOU?

YOU WANT TO BE NOTICED?
ALL RIGHT. THEN COME ON.

WAIT. WHERE ARE WE GOING?

WE'RE GOING TO DANCE. NO,
NO. I DON'T REALLY DO THAT.

YEAH, I DON'T REALLY CARE.

HEY, SWEET THINGS.

OKAY, JUST LISTEN TO THE MUSIC.

DO WHAT I DO, OKAY?

OKAY, THAT'S GREAT.

LET'S JUST TRY IT WITHOUT
THE BOARD UP YOUR BUTT.

I'M SORRY. I TOLD YOU.
I DON'T REALLY DANCE.

COME HERE. JUST LOOSEN UP.

WHOO!

Man: YEAH!

WHOA.

Woman: WHOO-HOO!

YEAH, THEY LOVE
ME, THEY LOVE ME!

DOES IT GET ANY LOWER THAN THIS?

WELL, LET'S SEE. WE'RE
DRINKING IN A GUTTER.

I DON'T KNOW.

I'M HAVING A GOOD
TIME WITH MY BUDDIES...

SITTING BACK, ENJOYING A
FEW, HAVING SOME LAUGHS.

GENTLEMEN, TO A PERFECT EVENING.

YEAH, FORGET ABOUT IT.

EW... EW, EW, EW, EW, EW.

THERE'S A BANDAGE IN MY HOT DOG.

OH, OH, OH, OH, OH!

BERG, BERG, THROW
THIS AWAY FOR ME.

OH, NO!

HEY, HEY, HEY,
DON'T THROW IT OUT.

JUST BREAK OFF THE END.

BOY, YOU ARE
HAVING A GOOD NIGHT.

IT AIN'T OVER YET.

AFTER THIS, I GET TO GO
HOME TO MY GORGEOUS WIFE,

AND IF I PLAY MY CARDS RIGHT,
SHE'LL LET ME PLAY WITH...

MY RING!

I LOST MY RING. SHARON
IS GOING TO KILL ME.

MAN, AREN'T YOU GLAD

YOU DON'T HAVE TO
GO HOME TO SOMEBODY

WAITING THERE TO
TEAR YOUR HEAD OFF?

NOT REALLY.

ME NEITHER.

WELL, LET'S GO HOME.

YEAH.

OH, TAXI!

LOOK AT ALL THESE PHONE NUMBERS.

WHICH ONES ARE
YOU GOING TO CALL?

NONE. I'M GOING TO SELL
THEM TO A TELEMARKETER.

WAIT A SECOND.

I THOUGHT YOU WANTED
GUYS FAWNING ALL OVER YOU.

YEAH, I THOUGHT I DID, TOO,
BUT AS I WAS WRITHING AROUND

ON THAT BEER-SOAKED
DANCE FLOOR I REALIZED...

MR. RIGHT PROBABLY
WASN'T ONE OF THE GUYS

YELLING AT ME TO
TAKE OFF MY TOP.

ASH, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
FIND MR. RIGHT IN SOME CLUB.

I MEAN, ALL THOSE GUYS ARE
SO DESPERATE AND LONELY.

YOU NEED A GUY
WHO'S GOT CHARACTER...

WHO'S STRONG ENOUGH TO WITHSTAND

THE CONSTANT NAGGING.

WELL, THERE JUST AREN'T A
LOT OF JOHNNYS OUT THERE.

YEAH. GUESS I'M LUCKY.

YOU PROBABLY WANT TO
GET DOWN THERE AND KILL HIM.

GOT THAT RIGHT. GOOD NIGHT.

HONEY... THANK GOD YOU'RE HOME.

THERE WAS THREE OF
THEM, AND THEY JUMPED ME,

AND THEY DIDN'T WANT
MY WATCH OR MY WALLET.

THEY JUST WANTED
MY WEDDING RING.

OH, THANK GOD.
YOU BOUGHT IT BACK.

I LOVE YOU.

HOW COME?

BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHEN I WAS OUT I
REALIZED THAT THERE ARE

A LOT OF LONELY DESPERATE
PEOPLE OUT THERE,

AND I'M NOT ONE OF THEM,

SO IF YOU DON'T WANT TO
WEAR YOUR WEDDING RING,

THAT'S FINE.

THE IMPORTANT THING
IS THAT YOU'RE MINE.

OH, HONEY, THIS IS SO NICE.

I WAS WORRIED THAT...
HEY, YOU WENT OUT?

OH, YEAH, YEAH... TO FIND YOU...

BUT THEN ASHLEY AND I

WOUND UP DANCING
WITH, LIKE, 50 GUYS.

YOU KNOW, I'D FORGOTTEN
HOW SINGLE GUYS

KEEP THEMSELVES
IN SUCH GOOD SHAPE.

BOY, IT WAS FUN,

AND I WOULD'VE NEVER GONE OUT

HAD YOU NOT FORGOTTEN
YOUR WEDDING RING.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK I'M GOING TO WEAR
THIS THING FROM NOW ON.

OH, BABY, THAT'S
OKAY. I TRUST YOU.

HALF THOSE GUYS WERE MARRIED.

HEY, LOOK AT THAT, HUH? IT
REALLY DRESSES UP A HAND.

OH, YEAH. IT DOES LOOK NICE.

OH, YOU KNOW WHO HAD A
REALLY NICE RING? CHUCK.

I'M GOING TO HEAR ABOUT
THIS FOR A LONG TIME, AREN'T I?

UNTIL DEATH DO US PART.

YEAH.

HEY, YOU KNOW, THAT
WASN'T SUCH A BAD NIGHT.

WE MET A COUPLE OF LADIES.

WHO CARES IF THEY WERE COPS?

HEY, YOU KNOW, MINE
GAVE ME HER BADGE NUMBER.

SHOULD WE CALL THEM?

NO. I THINK WE
SHOULD PLAY IT COOL.

WAIT TO SEE THEM AT THE HEARING.

THE BOYS OF BOSTON
ARE BACK, THOUGH, RIGHT?

RIGHT. WHOO!

HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

TO MARTI'S TO BEG
HER TO TAKE ME BACK.

HEY, COME ON. LOOK,
DON'T DO THAT, ALL RIGHT?

MARTI NEVER WANTS
TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

SHE'S IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER MAN.

LOTS OF COUPLES HAVE PROBLEMS.

OH, STOP IT. LISTEN, I
KNOW YOU'RE HURTING,

AND I KNOW THAT IT'S HARD, OKAY?

BUT YOU CAN'T JUST GO
CRAWLING BACK TO SOMEBODY

WITH YOUR HAT IN
YOUR HAND, YOU KNOW?

YOU DESERVE TO BE WITH SOMEONE

WHO CARES ABOUT YOU AS MUCH
AS YOU CARE ABOUT THEM, PETE,

SO JUST STAY STRONG.

I'M GOING TO BE
RIGHT HERE WITH YOU.

THANKS. YOU'RE RIGHT.

MAN, I WISH I HAD YOUR STRENGTH.

DON'T WE ALL.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, PETE.

YOU PUT ONIONS ON OUR HOT DOG.

YOU PUT ONIONS ON OUR HOT DOG.

THERE'S A BANDAGE IN MY HOT DOG!

THERE'S A BANDAGE IN MY HOT DOG!