Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 4, Episode 5 - A Germ Runs Through It - full transcript
Germ is helping some old people home but mainly succeeds in burning down their house. Johnny is being very meticulous with the house's renovations, which means that Sharon is worried that he will never finish the job. So, she employs somebody to do the job, which upsets him and he becomes irrational. Pete wants some displays of affection by Marti whilst at work but she is not keen. She wants to break up with him because she has met somebody else.
HEY, HEY, HEY, ANY OLD
DUDES STILL ALIVE IN HERE?
I BOUGHT YOU SOME GROCERIES.
I KNOW I'M A LITTLE LATE,
BUT I WAS UNDER REVIEW.
APPARENTLY, SOMEONE
MADE A COMPLAINT.
SOMEONE DOESN'T LIKE THE WAY
THE GERM VISITS THE OLD DUDES.
YOU TWO OLD DUDES
WOULDN'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT THAT, WOULD YOU?
OH, COME ON, I KNOW YOU LOVE ME!
I'M DYING FOR A
GRILLED-CHEESE SANDWICH.
SO, WHERE DID WE LEAVE
OFF ON OUR LAST VISIT?
OPAL, I BELIEVE THAT YOU
WERE JUST SITTING THERE.
GUY, YOU WERE DOING THE SAME.
O-OKAY, THAT STARTED
BEFORE I GOT HERE.
HEY THERE.
HEY.
SO, WHERE HAVE YOU
BEEN ALL MORNING?
OH, I HAD SUCH A HECTIC MORNING.
I HAD TO GET MY NAILS DONE,
THEN I WENT TO YOGA,
THEN I GOT MY HAIR HIGHLIGHTED.
I JUST NEED AN HOUR FOR MYSELF.
YOU MUST BE ALL PAMPERED OUT.
BABY, ARE YOU STILL MEASURING?
THAT'S WHAT YOU
WERE DOING WHEN I LEFT.
YES, BUT IT WAS TIME WELL-SPENT.
CHECK THIS OUT.
MOST PEOPLE THINK
THAT YOU NEED 12 NAILS
PER SHEET OF DRYWALL,
BUT I FIGURED OUT
HOW TO JUST USE 10.
PRETTY COOL, HUH?
WAIT A SECOND.
YOU SPENT THE ENTIRE
MORNING FIGURING OUT
HOW TO SAVE TWO NAILS?
PER SHEET.
SIX SHEETS, WE'RE
TALKING 12 NAILS.
WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
TWO NAILS... PER SHEET!
I GUESS THAT'S FUNNY.
WHY ARE YOU CRYING?
GOD, THIS HOUSE IS
NEVER GONNA BE FINISHED!
I JUST NEED A LITTLE TIME.
FOR TWO MONTHS, ALL YOU'VE
DONE IS DESTROY WALLS.
GOD, THIS HOUSE IS
STARTING TO GET REALLY OLD!
IT'S THAT YOU SAID THE HOUSE
WAS STARTING TO GET OLD,
BUT IT ALREADY IS OLD
BECAUSE THEY BUILT IT...
STOP.
BABY, PLEASE, I JUST NEED
FOR THIS TO BE FINISHED.
ISN'T THERE SOMEBODY
WHO COULD GIVE YOU A HAND?
NO! I TAKE A LOT OF PRIDE
I DOING THIS BY MYSELF.
MY GREAT-GRANDFATHER
BUILT THE HOUSE I GREW UP IN.
WELL, DIG HIM UP!
'CAUSE YOU NEED HELP.
OKAY, MR. JOHNSON, I'M JUST
GONNA GET YOU TO BEND OVER,
AND THIS SHOULDN'T HURT A BIT.
BERG, YOU SHOULDN'T
BE DOING THAT.
WHY, IS IT AGAINST
HOSPITAL POLICY?
DON'T DO THAT HERE!
WHERE, ADMITTING?
WOULD YOU KNOCK IT
OFF?! I'M TRYING TO STUDY!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO
BORED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
LET'S PLAY A GAME.
NO. I ALWAYS WIN.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT I WAS GONNA SUGGEST!
SUGGEST SOMETHING.
20 QUESTIONS.
YOU'RE SLEEPING WITH IRENE.
I WIN.
THAT'S NOT A QUESTION.
THE ANSWER IS GEORGE WASHINGTON.
AND SINCE, APPARENTLY,
YOU DON'T WANT PETE
TO KNOW ABOUT IT,
FROM NOW ON, I WIN EVERYTHING.
NOW SHUT UP.
You shut up!
I don't care if you tell Pete.
WHAT? NOTHING.
Pete on radio: Do you copy?
PETE, IS THAT YOU?
We got a big fire.
Everybody got out,
but we got some smoke inhalers.
WE'LL BE READY. HOW'D IT START?
Germ: Dude, I'm on the radio!
IDIOT, THIS IS NOT A TOY.
DO YOU KNOW WHO
GETS TO USE THIS?
FIREFIGHTERS, NOT FIREMAKERS.
OH, YEAH!
THAT FIREFIGHTER IS HOT, MAN.
OH, OH, I KNOW, THAT'S MARTI.
I'M SLEEPING WITH HER.
THANKS, BRO, I
NEEDED A GOOD LAUGH.
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
SHE'S NOT WITH YOU.
MARTI, GET OVER HERE.
IS SOMEBODY HURT?
TELL GERM YOU ARE
SO MY GIRLFRIEND.
WHAT?
THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING.
SHE IS. HONEY, TELL HIM.
I'M TRYING TO DO MY JOB,
AND YOU CALL ME OVER
HERE TO LAY CLAIM TO ME
LIKE SOME STUPID BIMBO
TROPHY IN A MACHO MAN CONTEST
IN FRONT OF EVERYONE?
I WAS TERRIBLY, TERRIBLY WRONG.
BUT SINCE I ALREADY DID
IT, COULD YOU JUST TELL HIM?
CALL HER BACK, AND THIS
TIME SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND.
IT LOOKS GREAT!
AND IT ONLY TOOK YOU AN HOUR!
MY HUSBAND'S BEEN WORKING
ON THIS FOR TWO DAYS!
OH, I'M SORRY. IS HE DISABLED?
YES, HE IS.
SHARON, YOU HERE?
Get out of here! Go! Go! Go!
HEY, YOU'RE HERE,
GREAT. LET'S GO EAT.
WHOA, WAIT A SECOND.
COME ON, I'M HUNGRY.
WHOSE SHIRT IS THIS?
OH, GOSH, THAT'S MINE.
WHOO! I'M RIPE.
OH, DON'T EMBARRASS US BOTH.
DID YOU REALLY THINK I
WOULDN'T CATCH ON, HUH?
WHERE IS HE?
OH!
OH!
OH, GOD, NO!
JOHNNY, I'M SO SORRY.
I DIDN'T WANT YOU
TO FIND OUT LIKE THIS.
WHO IS THIS... scum?
I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME.
I FOUND HIM IN THE PHONE BOOK.
NO!
GOD, HOW COULD YOU?!
LOOK, JOHNNY, I
TRIED TO TELL YOU,
BUT YOU WOULDN'T LISTEN.
I MEAN, I'M A YOUNG WOMAN.
I NEED WALLS!
AND HE USED MY HAMMER.
NOT YOUR SAW, JOHNNY, I
WOULDN'T LET HIM TOUCH IT.
NOW I'M JUST SUPPOSED
TO TAKE THIS BACK?!
NOW THAT HE'S HAD HIS
FILTHY HANDS ALL OVER IT?!
IT ONLY TOOK HIM AN HOUR!
HE USED 14 NAILS!
BABY, BABY, BABY,
IF YOU CAN JUST LET
HIM FINISH THIS ROOM,
AND THEN THE
KITCHEN THE KITCHEN?!
YOU LET HIM WHERE I EAT?
OH, GOD, I THINK
I'M GONNA BE SICK.
AND DEEP BREATH.
I ASKED FOR YOU, YOU KNOW.
LUCKY ME.
I FEEL JUST LIKE
THE PRETTY HOOKER
IN A VEGAS WHOREHOUSE.
AND LET IT OUT.
IF YOU'RE ABOUT DONE,
I COULD USE A BREAK.
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE
YOU TOLD IRENE THAT?
I REALLY NEED YOU TO
STOP MAKING JOKES ABOUT IT.
AND HOW MANY TIMES
HAVE YOU TOLD IRENE THAT?
OH, MAN, IS SHE SAYING
WHAT I THINK SHE'S SAYING?
WHY DON'T YOU TELL
THE WHOLE WORLD
I'm sleeping with Irene?!
DUDE, I WAS WAY OFF.
WELL, GERM, YOU SEEM
COMPLETELY NORMAL,
OR AS CLOSE AS I CAN DETERMINE
WITHOUT ACTUALLY TOUCHING YOU.
WOW. PAGING MISS ANGER.
MISS DIRECTED ANGER,
YOUR TABLE'S READY.
WHAT ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT?
YOUR EX IS SLEEPING
WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
YOU'RE WORRIED
ABOUT THE COMPARISON,
AND YOU'RE TAKING IT OUT ON ME.
YOU DON'T KNOW A THING ABOUT ME.
YOU DON'T KNOW A
THING ABOUT WOMEN.
WOMEN AREN'T QUITE AS
COMPETITIVE AS LITTLE BOYS.
IS IRENE A BETTER
LOVER THAN I AM?
WHAT?
DOES SHE MAKE YOUR
REAL SLIM SHADY STAND UP?
UM...
I-I REALLY DON'T THINK THAT WE
SHOULD BE TALKING ABOUT THIS.
YOU WERE BETTER THAN NOMAR.
I KNEW IT!
SO, UM, HOW MUCH BETTER?
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, WAY BETTER,
OR JUST, UH, WAY, WAY BETTER?
BERG.
NO, I DON'T WANT
TO TALK ABOUT THIS.
LOOK, IF YOU WANT TO HAVE
A SINCERE CONVERSATION,
THEN FINE.
DESPITE ALL YOUR
OTHER OBVIOUS FAULTS,
YOU WERE A VERY GENEROUS LOVER.
DEFINITELY THE BEST
I'VE EVER BEEN WITH.
WELL, THANK YOU.
SO... WAS I BETTER THAN IRENE?
NO.
NOW I WIN!
HEY, CAN WE TALK?
I REALLY DON'T WANT TO
TALK ABOUT US ON THE JOB.
THERE'S A LOT OF COUPLES
WHO ARE TOTALLY COMFORTABLE
WITH SHOWING THEIR
AFFECTION ON THE JOB.
LOOK AT TIM AND CLARENCE,
THEY HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH IT.
TIM AND CLARENCE DO A
LOT OF THINGS WE DON'T DO.
MARTI, STOP, PLEASE.
YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT
TO BE UPSET, YOU DO,
BUT IT'S JUST THAT YOU
MEAN SO MUCH TO ME,
THAT WHEN I SEE
YOU AND I'M NEAR YOU,
YOU MAKE ME SO HAPPY
AND FULL OF EVERYTHING.
IT'S LIKE IF I DON'T TOUCH
YOU OR HUG YOU, I'LL EXPLODE.
BUT IF YOU WANT ME TO
HOLD THAT BACK, THEN I WILL.
I WILL, OKAY?
OKAY.
OKAY, OKAY.
I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.
IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
PETE, YES, IT WILL.
I JUST... I CAN'T WORK WITH YOU.
I REQUESTED A TRANSFER.
OVER ONE LOUSY HUG?
WHAT IS TAKING SO LONG?!
THE AMISH BUILT AN ENTIRE
BARN IN ONE AFTERNOON.
YOU ARE SO RIGHT.
I ASKED FOR GRILLED
CHEESE ON WHITE,
AND THEY GAVE ME RAISIN BREAD.
THERE IS NO GOD.
DO YOU REALLY
THINK I HAVE A POINT?
OF COURSE, YOU'RE A HOTTIE.
YEAH, SO WAS MY MOM.
IT'S VERY SIMPLE, LOOK.
A HOTTIE ISN'T A RIGHT.
SHE HAS TO BE EARNED.
SHE HAS TO BE GIVEN
GIFTS AND COMPLIMENTS
AND MADE TO FEEL SPECIAL
BECAUSE SHE'S BETTER
THAN THE REST OF US.
DUDE RULE NUMBER ONE...
A HOTTIE DOESN'T
HAVE TO BE RIGHT,
SHE JUST HAS TO BE HOT.
SEE, THANK... THANK YOU, GERM.
COULD SOMEONE PLEASE GET
THIS MAN SOME WHITE BREAD?!
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!
I'M TAKING IT DOWN.
I WILL NOT LIVE IN THE HOUSE
WITH THE SEED OF
ANOTHER MAN'S LABOR.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
I WON'T LET YOU HURT IT.
IT'S NOT ITS FAULT.
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I AM A HOTTIE!
YOU SHOULD EARN ME!
WELL, FRANKLY, I THINK BEING
THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANY WORK
AROUND HERE IS PAYMENT ENOUGH.
WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
THE ONLY REASON YOU NOTICE
ME NOT GETTING THIS DONE
IS YOU JUST SIT AROUND
ALL DAY AND LOOK AT IT.
YOU DON'T THINK I'M BUSY?
I HAPPEN TO VOLUNTEER OVER
20 HOURS A WEEK AT THE HOSPITAL
HELPING THOSE WHO ARE
LESS FORTUNATE THAN US.
WELL, WE DON'T MAKE ENOUGH
MONEY FOR YOU TO DO GOOD DEEDS.
SO YOU'D RATHER I
GET A JOB THAT PAYS?
YOU WANT ME TO DO SOMETHING
THAT MAKES ME MISERABLE?
I JUST WANT YOU TO
GET A JOB THAT PAYS.
IF IT MAKES YOU MISERABLE,
SO MUCH THE BETTER.
MAYBE WE SHOULD SPEND
MORE TIME WITH YOUR SISTERS
AND CALL IT EVEN.
MY SISTERS
PRACTICALLY RAISED ME.
WELL, WHEN ARE THEY
GONNA FINISH THE JOB?
IF I COULD THINK OF SOMETHING
MEAN AND CLEVER TO SAY,
I WOULD SO SAY IT RIGHT NOW!
ASHLEY, YOU DID A
REALLY GOOD SUTURE
ON THAT LAST PATIENT.
SEE, YOU DO THAT
BETTER THAN IRENE.
YOU'VE HAD YOUR FUN,
NOW GET OFF OF ME.
BOY, DOES THAT
BRING BACK MEMORIES.
WE BOTH KNOW YOU'RE
DOING THIS TO GET BACK AT ME.
I'M NOT.
OH, COME ON.
I'M AN EXPERIENCED
WOMAN OF THE WORLD
AND SHE'S FRECKLES AND HAIR.
HEY, LOOK, IRENE IS A
WONDERFUL PERSON.
SHE IS SWEET, SHE IS CARING,
AND IN THE OPINION OF THE COURT,
NO LONGER A DANGER
TO HERSELF OR SOCIETY.
OH, MY GOD.
YOU LIKE HER.
DO NOT! YOU LIKE HER!
YOU LEAPT TO HER DEFENSE
THE MINUTE I SAID SOMETHING
SLIGHTLY NEGATIVE ABOUT HER.
YOU CALLED HER
"FRECKLES AND HAIR."
SOME PEOPLE ACTUALLY
BELIEVE THAT YOU SHOULD LIKE
THE PERSON YOU'RE
MAKING LOVE TO.
WE ARE NOT MAKING
LOVE. WE ARE HAVING SEX!
WE ARE HAVING DIRTY, DIRTY SEX!
HEY.
HEY.
LISTEN, I HAVE A
PROFESSIONAL QUESTION.
HOW BADLY DOES SOMETHING
HAVE TO BE BURNED
BEFORE I CAN TAKE IT HOME?
COME ON, I KILLED WITH THAT
ON THE FIRST TWO FLOORS.
PLEASE.
I'VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID.
THE ONLY TIME WE FIGHT
IS WHEN WE'RE AT WORK.
SO I THINK ONE OF US
SHOULD GET A TRANSFER.
YOU DO?
YEAH, AND THEN WE'LL
SPEND ALL OUR TIME
DOING THE THINGS WE LOVE,
LIKE YOU COOKING FOR ME
AND GIVING ME A BACKRUB.
WE LOVE THAT.
PETE, LISTEN, I JUST...
I THINK THAT WE
NEED SOME TIME APART
IN OUR PERSONAL
RELATIONSHIP, AS WELL.
ARE YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME?
Man on radio: Company
54, fire in Peabody.
I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW.
IT WAS ONE LOUSY HUG!
OH, HELLO, BERGER MEISTER.
MEISTER BERGER.
WHAT IS IT? YOU'RE
LOOKING AT ME FUNNY.
I THINK I LIKE YOU!
OH!
I JUST DON'T THINK SHE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO CRITICIZE
WHEN I'M THE ONE
WORKING LIKE A DOG.
VOLUNTEERING AT THE
HOSPITAL, IT'S NOT A REAL JOB.
TELL ME ABOUT IT. SHE
DOESN'T DO ANYTHING.
I JUST SIT AROUND
WATCHING HER SIT AROUND.
SO YOU WANT MY ADVICE?
ACTUALLY, NO.
NO?
I JUST WANTED
SOMEONE TO VENT TO.
NO OFFENSE, BUT YOU DRESS
FUNNY, YOU TALK FUNNY,
I'M PRETTY SURE YOU THINK FUNNY.
ALL RIGHT, NOW DO MY MOM.
OH, THERE YOU ARE, JOHNNY.
PBS CALLED.
THEY WANT YOU TO BE ON
"THIS OLD LAZY HUSBAND."
OKAY, YOU SEE WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT?
I DON'T KNOW WHY
YOU PUT UP WITH IT.
W-W-W-WAIT.
YOU SAID I'M ALWAYS
RIGHT BECAUSE I'M A HOTTIE.
YEAH, BUT YOU'RE NOT MY HOTTIE.
LOOK, BIG DADDY'S BASICALLY
WORKING TWO JOBS FOR YOU.
SO EITHER GET OFF HIS
DIME OR GIVE HIM HIS PROPS.
THANK YOU.
HE MAY THINK FUNNY,
BUT HE TALKS SENSE.
AND YOU, YOU GOTTA
PICK UP THE PACE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU ARE JUST SO SLOW.
I MEAN, I'VE WATCHED THE WAY
YOU WALK, THE WAY YOU EAT.
YOU EVEN BREATHE SLOW.
JEEZ, YOU SHOULD SEE
HIM REACH FOR A CHECK.
LOOK, MAN, YOU
DID MARRY A HOTTIE.
YOU CAN'T KEEP HER LOCKED
IN THE BASEMENT FOREVER.
SO EITHER GET YOUR ACT IN GEAR
OR YOUR BUDDY'S GONNA SPLIT.
AND YOU ALREADY DID WAY
BETTER THAN YOU DESERVE.
OH, NO, HE DIDN'T.
YEAH, HONEY, ACTUALLY, I DID.
NOW THAT I SAID IT, YOU'RE
GONNA USE IT AGAINST ME.
I PROMISE.
YOU WON'T SEE IT COMING.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GONNA GET SOME
HELP WITH THE HOUSE.
OKAY, I'LL GET A JOB.
WHEN ARE YOU
GONNA START LOOKING?
WHEN YOU GET HELP.
THIS IS GONNA BE A GREAT HOUSE.
OH, I KNOW, I KNOW.
AND THE GERM IS WELCOME ANYTIME.
OKAY, ALL CLEAR.
GOOD.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE
A CONVERSATION.
CAN WE HAVE IT ON THE GROUND?
THIS IS TOO IMPORTANT.
I DON'T WANT YOU RUNNING
OFF TO SAVE PEOPLE.
FINE, WHAT DO YOU
WANT TO TALK ABOUT?
OKAY, FIRST OFF,
LOSE THE ATTITUDE.
WHY ARE YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME?
COME ON.
UH-UH-UH-UH-UH-UH. NOT YET.
IS IT BECAUSE I'M
TOO CONTROLLING?
BECAUSE I COULD STOP THAT.
NO, IT'S NOT THAT.
THEN WHAT IS IT?
MARTI, WHATEVER
IT IS, I CAN TAKE IT.
JUST TELL ME.
I MET SOMEONE ELSE.
YOU SLUT!
PETE!
WHO?
YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
MARTI, WHO?
NOMAR.
Get in.
I'M REALLY SORRY.
YOU OKAY?
YEAH.
I'll be fine.
YOU JUST COULDN'T WAIT
TO TELL ME, COULD YOU?
HEY, OLD DUDES.
THE PLACE DOESN'T LOOK SO BAD.
Oh, boy.
WELL, SORRY I CAN'T STAY.
I'VE BEEN, UH, REASSIGNED.
IT SEEMS I'M NOT ALLOWED
TO WORK ANYWHERE
WITHOUT A CAMERA IN THE CEILING.
BUT I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU
THAT I'M GONNA
THINK ABOUT YOU GUYS
ANY TIME I SEE TWO
PEOPLE JUST SITTING.
I KNOW THIS IS JUST AS
HARD ON YOU AS IT IS ON ME.
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
THERE'S NOTHING TO SAY.
OH, I GUESS THIS IS GOODBYE.
DUDES STILL ALIVE IN HERE?
I BOUGHT YOU SOME GROCERIES.
I KNOW I'M A LITTLE LATE,
BUT I WAS UNDER REVIEW.
APPARENTLY, SOMEONE
MADE A COMPLAINT.
SOMEONE DOESN'T LIKE THE WAY
THE GERM VISITS THE OLD DUDES.
YOU TWO OLD DUDES
WOULDN'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT THAT, WOULD YOU?
OH, COME ON, I KNOW YOU LOVE ME!
I'M DYING FOR A
GRILLED-CHEESE SANDWICH.
SO, WHERE DID WE LEAVE
OFF ON OUR LAST VISIT?
OPAL, I BELIEVE THAT YOU
WERE JUST SITTING THERE.
GUY, YOU WERE DOING THE SAME.
O-OKAY, THAT STARTED
BEFORE I GOT HERE.
HEY THERE.
HEY.
SO, WHERE HAVE YOU
BEEN ALL MORNING?
OH, I HAD SUCH A HECTIC MORNING.
I HAD TO GET MY NAILS DONE,
THEN I WENT TO YOGA,
THEN I GOT MY HAIR HIGHLIGHTED.
I JUST NEED AN HOUR FOR MYSELF.
YOU MUST BE ALL PAMPERED OUT.
BABY, ARE YOU STILL MEASURING?
THAT'S WHAT YOU
WERE DOING WHEN I LEFT.
YES, BUT IT WAS TIME WELL-SPENT.
CHECK THIS OUT.
MOST PEOPLE THINK
THAT YOU NEED 12 NAILS
PER SHEET OF DRYWALL,
BUT I FIGURED OUT
HOW TO JUST USE 10.
PRETTY COOL, HUH?
WAIT A SECOND.
YOU SPENT THE ENTIRE
MORNING FIGURING OUT
HOW TO SAVE TWO NAILS?
PER SHEET.
SIX SHEETS, WE'RE
TALKING 12 NAILS.
WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
TWO NAILS... PER SHEET!
I GUESS THAT'S FUNNY.
WHY ARE YOU CRYING?
GOD, THIS HOUSE IS
NEVER GONNA BE FINISHED!
I JUST NEED A LITTLE TIME.
FOR TWO MONTHS, ALL YOU'VE
DONE IS DESTROY WALLS.
GOD, THIS HOUSE IS
STARTING TO GET REALLY OLD!
IT'S THAT YOU SAID THE HOUSE
WAS STARTING TO GET OLD,
BUT IT ALREADY IS OLD
BECAUSE THEY BUILT IT...
STOP.
BABY, PLEASE, I JUST NEED
FOR THIS TO BE FINISHED.
ISN'T THERE SOMEBODY
WHO COULD GIVE YOU A HAND?
NO! I TAKE A LOT OF PRIDE
I DOING THIS BY MYSELF.
MY GREAT-GRANDFATHER
BUILT THE HOUSE I GREW UP IN.
WELL, DIG HIM UP!
'CAUSE YOU NEED HELP.
OKAY, MR. JOHNSON, I'M JUST
GONNA GET YOU TO BEND OVER,
AND THIS SHOULDN'T HURT A BIT.
BERG, YOU SHOULDN'T
BE DOING THAT.
WHY, IS IT AGAINST
HOSPITAL POLICY?
DON'T DO THAT HERE!
WHERE, ADMITTING?
WOULD YOU KNOCK IT
OFF?! I'M TRYING TO STUDY!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO
BORED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
LET'S PLAY A GAME.
NO. I ALWAYS WIN.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT I WAS GONNA SUGGEST!
SUGGEST SOMETHING.
20 QUESTIONS.
YOU'RE SLEEPING WITH IRENE.
I WIN.
THAT'S NOT A QUESTION.
THE ANSWER IS GEORGE WASHINGTON.
AND SINCE, APPARENTLY,
YOU DON'T WANT PETE
TO KNOW ABOUT IT,
FROM NOW ON, I WIN EVERYTHING.
NOW SHUT UP.
You shut up!
I don't care if you tell Pete.
WHAT? NOTHING.
Pete on radio: Do you copy?
PETE, IS THAT YOU?
We got a big fire.
Everybody got out,
but we got some smoke inhalers.
WE'LL BE READY. HOW'D IT START?
Germ: Dude, I'm on the radio!
IDIOT, THIS IS NOT A TOY.
DO YOU KNOW WHO
GETS TO USE THIS?
FIREFIGHTERS, NOT FIREMAKERS.
OH, YEAH!
THAT FIREFIGHTER IS HOT, MAN.
OH, OH, I KNOW, THAT'S MARTI.
I'M SLEEPING WITH HER.
THANKS, BRO, I
NEEDED A GOOD LAUGH.
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
SHE'S NOT WITH YOU.
MARTI, GET OVER HERE.
IS SOMEBODY HURT?
TELL GERM YOU ARE
SO MY GIRLFRIEND.
WHAT?
THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING.
SHE IS. HONEY, TELL HIM.
I'M TRYING TO DO MY JOB,
AND YOU CALL ME OVER
HERE TO LAY CLAIM TO ME
LIKE SOME STUPID BIMBO
TROPHY IN A MACHO MAN CONTEST
IN FRONT OF EVERYONE?
I WAS TERRIBLY, TERRIBLY WRONG.
BUT SINCE I ALREADY DID
IT, COULD YOU JUST TELL HIM?
CALL HER BACK, AND THIS
TIME SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND.
IT LOOKS GREAT!
AND IT ONLY TOOK YOU AN HOUR!
MY HUSBAND'S BEEN WORKING
ON THIS FOR TWO DAYS!
OH, I'M SORRY. IS HE DISABLED?
YES, HE IS.
SHARON, YOU HERE?
Get out of here! Go! Go! Go!
HEY, YOU'RE HERE,
GREAT. LET'S GO EAT.
WHOA, WAIT A SECOND.
COME ON, I'M HUNGRY.
WHOSE SHIRT IS THIS?
OH, GOSH, THAT'S MINE.
WHOO! I'M RIPE.
OH, DON'T EMBARRASS US BOTH.
DID YOU REALLY THINK I
WOULDN'T CATCH ON, HUH?
WHERE IS HE?
OH!
OH!
OH, GOD, NO!
JOHNNY, I'M SO SORRY.
I DIDN'T WANT YOU
TO FIND OUT LIKE THIS.
WHO IS THIS... scum?
I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME.
I FOUND HIM IN THE PHONE BOOK.
NO!
GOD, HOW COULD YOU?!
LOOK, JOHNNY, I
TRIED TO TELL YOU,
BUT YOU WOULDN'T LISTEN.
I MEAN, I'M A YOUNG WOMAN.
I NEED WALLS!
AND HE USED MY HAMMER.
NOT YOUR SAW, JOHNNY, I
WOULDN'T LET HIM TOUCH IT.
NOW I'M JUST SUPPOSED
TO TAKE THIS BACK?!
NOW THAT HE'S HAD HIS
FILTHY HANDS ALL OVER IT?!
IT ONLY TOOK HIM AN HOUR!
HE USED 14 NAILS!
BABY, BABY, BABY,
IF YOU CAN JUST LET
HIM FINISH THIS ROOM,
AND THEN THE
KITCHEN THE KITCHEN?!
YOU LET HIM WHERE I EAT?
OH, GOD, I THINK
I'M GONNA BE SICK.
AND DEEP BREATH.
I ASKED FOR YOU, YOU KNOW.
LUCKY ME.
I FEEL JUST LIKE
THE PRETTY HOOKER
IN A VEGAS WHOREHOUSE.
AND LET IT OUT.
IF YOU'RE ABOUT DONE,
I COULD USE A BREAK.
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE
YOU TOLD IRENE THAT?
I REALLY NEED YOU TO
STOP MAKING JOKES ABOUT IT.
AND HOW MANY TIMES
HAVE YOU TOLD IRENE THAT?
OH, MAN, IS SHE SAYING
WHAT I THINK SHE'S SAYING?
WHY DON'T YOU TELL
THE WHOLE WORLD
I'm sleeping with Irene?!
DUDE, I WAS WAY OFF.
WELL, GERM, YOU SEEM
COMPLETELY NORMAL,
OR AS CLOSE AS I CAN DETERMINE
WITHOUT ACTUALLY TOUCHING YOU.
WOW. PAGING MISS ANGER.
MISS DIRECTED ANGER,
YOUR TABLE'S READY.
WHAT ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT?
YOUR EX IS SLEEPING
WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
YOU'RE WORRIED
ABOUT THE COMPARISON,
AND YOU'RE TAKING IT OUT ON ME.
YOU DON'T KNOW A THING ABOUT ME.
YOU DON'T KNOW A
THING ABOUT WOMEN.
WOMEN AREN'T QUITE AS
COMPETITIVE AS LITTLE BOYS.
IS IRENE A BETTER
LOVER THAN I AM?
WHAT?
DOES SHE MAKE YOUR
REAL SLIM SHADY STAND UP?
UM...
I-I REALLY DON'T THINK THAT WE
SHOULD BE TALKING ABOUT THIS.
YOU WERE BETTER THAN NOMAR.
I KNEW IT!
SO, UM, HOW MUCH BETTER?
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, WAY BETTER,
OR JUST, UH, WAY, WAY BETTER?
BERG.
NO, I DON'T WANT
TO TALK ABOUT THIS.
LOOK, IF YOU WANT TO HAVE
A SINCERE CONVERSATION,
THEN FINE.
DESPITE ALL YOUR
OTHER OBVIOUS FAULTS,
YOU WERE A VERY GENEROUS LOVER.
DEFINITELY THE BEST
I'VE EVER BEEN WITH.
WELL, THANK YOU.
SO... WAS I BETTER THAN IRENE?
NO.
NOW I WIN!
HEY, CAN WE TALK?
I REALLY DON'T WANT TO
TALK ABOUT US ON THE JOB.
THERE'S A LOT OF COUPLES
WHO ARE TOTALLY COMFORTABLE
WITH SHOWING THEIR
AFFECTION ON THE JOB.
LOOK AT TIM AND CLARENCE,
THEY HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH IT.
TIM AND CLARENCE DO A
LOT OF THINGS WE DON'T DO.
MARTI, STOP, PLEASE.
YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT
TO BE UPSET, YOU DO,
BUT IT'S JUST THAT YOU
MEAN SO MUCH TO ME,
THAT WHEN I SEE
YOU AND I'M NEAR YOU,
YOU MAKE ME SO HAPPY
AND FULL OF EVERYTHING.
IT'S LIKE IF I DON'T TOUCH
YOU OR HUG YOU, I'LL EXPLODE.
BUT IF YOU WANT ME TO
HOLD THAT BACK, THEN I WILL.
I WILL, OKAY?
OKAY.
OKAY, OKAY.
I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.
IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
PETE, YES, IT WILL.
I JUST... I CAN'T WORK WITH YOU.
I REQUESTED A TRANSFER.
OVER ONE LOUSY HUG?
WHAT IS TAKING SO LONG?!
THE AMISH BUILT AN ENTIRE
BARN IN ONE AFTERNOON.
YOU ARE SO RIGHT.
I ASKED FOR GRILLED
CHEESE ON WHITE,
AND THEY GAVE ME RAISIN BREAD.
THERE IS NO GOD.
DO YOU REALLY
THINK I HAVE A POINT?
OF COURSE, YOU'RE A HOTTIE.
YEAH, SO WAS MY MOM.
IT'S VERY SIMPLE, LOOK.
A HOTTIE ISN'T A RIGHT.
SHE HAS TO BE EARNED.
SHE HAS TO BE GIVEN
GIFTS AND COMPLIMENTS
AND MADE TO FEEL SPECIAL
BECAUSE SHE'S BETTER
THAN THE REST OF US.
DUDE RULE NUMBER ONE...
A HOTTIE DOESN'T
HAVE TO BE RIGHT,
SHE JUST HAS TO BE HOT.
SEE, THANK... THANK YOU, GERM.
COULD SOMEONE PLEASE GET
THIS MAN SOME WHITE BREAD?!
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!
I'M TAKING IT DOWN.
I WILL NOT LIVE IN THE HOUSE
WITH THE SEED OF
ANOTHER MAN'S LABOR.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
I WON'T LET YOU HURT IT.
IT'S NOT ITS FAULT.
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I AM A HOTTIE!
YOU SHOULD EARN ME!
WELL, FRANKLY, I THINK BEING
THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANY WORK
AROUND HERE IS PAYMENT ENOUGH.
WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
THE ONLY REASON YOU NOTICE
ME NOT GETTING THIS DONE
IS YOU JUST SIT AROUND
ALL DAY AND LOOK AT IT.
YOU DON'T THINK I'M BUSY?
I HAPPEN TO VOLUNTEER OVER
20 HOURS A WEEK AT THE HOSPITAL
HELPING THOSE WHO ARE
LESS FORTUNATE THAN US.
WELL, WE DON'T MAKE ENOUGH
MONEY FOR YOU TO DO GOOD DEEDS.
SO YOU'D RATHER I
GET A JOB THAT PAYS?
YOU WANT ME TO DO SOMETHING
THAT MAKES ME MISERABLE?
I JUST WANT YOU TO
GET A JOB THAT PAYS.
IF IT MAKES YOU MISERABLE,
SO MUCH THE BETTER.
MAYBE WE SHOULD SPEND
MORE TIME WITH YOUR SISTERS
AND CALL IT EVEN.
MY SISTERS
PRACTICALLY RAISED ME.
WELL, WHEN ARE THEY
GONNA FINISH THE JOB?
IF I COULD THINK OF SOMETHING
MEAN AND CLEVER TO SAY,
I WOULD SO SAY IT RIGHT NOW!
ASHLEY, YOU DID A
REALLY GOOD SUTURE
ON THAT LAST PATIENT.
SEE, YOU DO THAT
BETTER THAN IRENE.
YOU'VE HAD YOUR FUN,
NOW GET OFF OF ME.
BOY, DOES THAT
BRING BACK MEMORIES.
WE BOTH KNOW YOU'RE
DOING THIS TO GET BACK AT ME.
I'M NOT.
OH, COME ON.
I'M AN EXPERIENCED
WOMAN OF THE WORLD
AND SHE'S FRECKLES AND HAIR.
HEY, LOOK, IRENE IS A
WONDERFUL PERSON.
SHE IS SWEET, SHE IS CARING,
AND IN THE OPINION OF THE COURT,
NO LONGER A DANGER
TO HERSELF OR SOCIETY.
OH, MY GOD.
YOU LIKE HER.
DO NOT! YOU LIKE HER!
YOU LEAPT TO HER DEFENSE
THE MINUTE I SAID SOMETHING
SLIGHTLY NEGATIVE ABOUT HER.
YOU CALLED HER
"FRECKLES AND HAIR."
SOME PEOPLE ACTUALLY
BELIEVE THAT YOU SHOULD LIKE
THE PERSON YOU'RE
MAKING LOVE TO.
WE ARE NOT MAKING
LOVE. WE ARE HAVING SEX!
WE ARE HAVING DIRTY, DIRTY SEX!
HEY.
HEY.
LISTEN, I HAVE A
PROFESSIONAL QUESTION.
HOW BADLY DOES SOMETHING
HAVE TO BE BURNED
BEFORE I CAN TAKE IT HOME?
COME ON, I KILLED WITH THAT
ON THE FIRST TWO FLOORS.
PLEASE.
I'VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID.
THE ONLY TIME WE FIGHT
IS WHEN WE'RE AT WORK.
SO I THINK ONE OF US
SHOULD GET A TRANSFER.
YOU DO?
YEAH, AND THEN WE'LL
SPEND ALL OUR TIME
DOING THE THINGS WE LOVE,
LIKE YOU COOKING FOR ME
AND GIVING ME A BACKRUB.
WE LOVE THAT.
PETE, LISTEN, I JUST...
I THINK THAT WE
NEED SOME TIME APART
IN OUR PERSONAL
RELATIONSHIP, AS WELL.
ARE YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME?
Man on radio: Company
54, fire in Peabody.
I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW.
IT WAS ONE LOUSY HUG!
OH, HELLO, BERGER MEISTER.
MEISTER BERGER.
WHAT IS IT? YOU'RE
LOOKING AT ME FUNNY.
I THINK I LIKE YOU!
OH!
I JUST DON'T THINK SHE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO CRITICIZE
WHEN I'M THE ONE
WORKING LIKE A DOG.
VOLUNTEERING AT THE
HOSPITAL, IT'S NOT A REAL JOB.
TELL ME ABOUT IT. SHE
DOESN'T DO ANYTHING.
I JUST SIT AROUND
WATCHING HER SIT AROUND.
SO YOU WANT MY ADVICE?
ACTUALLY, NO.
NO?
I JUST WANTED
SOMEONE TO VENT TO.
NO OFFENSE, BUT YOU DRESS
FUNNY, YOU TALK FUNNY,
I'M PRETTY SURE YOU THINK FUNNY.
ALL RIGHT, NOW DO MY MOM.
OH, THERE YOU ARE, JOHNNY.
PBS CALLED.
THEY WANT YOU TO BE ON
"THIS OLD LAZY HUSBAND."
OKAY, YOU SEE WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT?
I DON'T KNOW WHY
YOU PUT UP WITH IT.
W-W-W-WAIT.
YOU SAID I'M ALWAYS
RIGHT BECAUSE I'M A HOTTIE.
YEAH, BUT YOU'RE NOT MY HOTTIE.
LOOK, BIG DADDY'S BASICALLY
WORKING TWO JOBS FOR YOU.
SO EITHER GET OFF HIS
DIME OR GIVE HIM HIS PROPS.
THANK YOU.
HE MAY THINK FUNNY,
BUT HE TALKS SENSE.
AND YOU, YOU GOTTA
PICK UP THE PACE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU ARE JUST SO SLOW.
I MEAN, I'VE WATCHED THE WAY
YOU WALK, THE WAY YOU EAT.
YOU EVEN BREATHE SLOW.
JEEZ, YOU SHOULD SEE
HIM REACH FOR A CHECK.
LOOK, MAN, YOU
DID MARRY A HOTTIE.
YOU CAN'T KEEP HER LOCKED
IN THE BASEMENT FOREVER.
SO EITHER GET YOUR ACT IN GEAR
OR YOUR BUDDY'S GONNA SPLIT.
AND YOU ALREADY DID WAY
BETTER THAN YOU DESERVE.
OH, NO, HE DIDN'T.
YEAH, HONEY, ACTUALLY, I DID.
NOW THAT I SAID IT, YOU'RE
GONNA USE IT AGAINST ME.
I PROMISE.
YOU WON'T SEE IT COMING.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GONNA GET SOME
HELP WITH THE HOUSE.
OKAY, I'LL GET A JOB.
WHEN ARE YOU
GONNA START LOOKING?
WHEN YOU GET HELP.
THIS IS GONNA BE A GREAT HOUSE.
OH, I KNOW, I KNOW.
AND THE GERM IS WELCOME ANYTIME.
OKAY, ALL CLEAR.
GOOD.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE
A CONVERSATION.
CAN WE HAVE IT ON THE GROUND?
THIS IS TOO IMPORTANT.
I DON'T WANT YOU RUNNING
OFF TO SAVE PEOPLE.
FINE, WHAT DO YOU
WANT TO TALK ABOUT?
OKAY, FIRST OFF,
LOSE THE ATTITUDE.
WHY ARE YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME?
COME ON.
UH-UH-UH-UH-UH-UH. NOT YET.
IS IT BECAUSE I'M
TOO CONTROLLING?
BECAUSE I COULD STOP THAT.
NO, IT'S NOT THAT.
THEN WHAT IS IT?
MARTI, WHATEVER
IT IS, I CAN TAKE IT.
JUST TELL ME.
I MET SOMEONE ELSE.
YOU SLUT!
PETE!
WHO?
YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
MARTI, WHO?
NOMAR.
Get in.
I'M REALLY SORRY.
YOU OKAY?
YEAH.
I'll be fine.
YOU JUST COULDN'T WAIT
TO TELL ME, COULD YOU?
HEY, OLD DUDES.
THE PLACE DOESN'T LOOK SO BAD.
Oh, boy.
WELL, SORRY I CAN'T STAY.
I'VE BEEN, UH, REASSIGNED.
IT SEEMS I'M NOT ALLOWED
TO WORK ANYWHERE
WITHOUT A CAMERA IN THE CEILING.
BUT I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU
THAT I'M GONNA
THINK ABOUT YOU GUYS
ANY TIME I SEE TWO
PEOPLE JUST SITTING.
I KNOW THIS IS JUST AS
HARD ON YOU AS IT IS ON ME.
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
THERE'S NOTHING TO SAY.
OH, I GUESS THIS IS GOODBYE.