Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 4, Episode 4 - The Satanic Curses - full transcript
It's Halloween and Irene is getting into the spirit of the occasion. She manages to turn into the Devil and curse each of the gang. The curses are a reflection on what each of them would particularly hate. Pete grows the head of Ashley on his shoulder, Sharon grows a 'winky', and Berg turns ugly. They confront Irene and she provides the solution, but it forces them to make a choice they don't want to make.
RUN AWAY, YOU BIMBOS! THE
KILLER'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!
OH, DON'T TURN AROUND!
DON'T...
START MAKING OUT
WITH THE OTHER GIRL.
"I KNOW WHO YOU
DID LAST SUMMER."
CUTE, GUYS.
TRICK OR TREATY, NEIGHBOR PETEY.
RRRRRR!
HEY, IRENE. THAT'S
A NICE COSTUME.
CAT. HOW'D YOU COME
UP WITH THAT ONE?
OHHH, I'M NOT JUST ANY CAT.
I'M MY FAVORITE... MR. JEEBERS.
IT WAS ONLY FAIR, SINCE HE
DRESSED AS ME THIS YEAR.
LISTEN, WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE
OF A SCARY-MOVIE MARATHON...
OH, I LIKE SCARY MOVIES!
WE'LL SEND THEM OVER
WHEN WE'RE THROUGH.
WAIT! WAIT! CAN I STAY?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT MIGHT BE A LITTLE
UNCOMFORTABLE.
WE'RE ACTUALLY
WATCHING dirty movies.
OH, I LOVE DIRTY MOVIES.
YEAH, SEE?
IT'S ALREADY UNCOMFORTABLE.
BUT...
WE DON'T NEED
THEM, RIGHT, IRENE?
SORRY. I MEAN "MR. JEEBERS."
YOUR COSTUME IS SO CONVINCING!
WE'VE GOT NICER FRIENDS
IN THE SPIRITUAL REALM.
HAIL, SATAN. WE'RE
CALLING IN ANOTHER FAVOR.
RED ROVER, RED ROVER,
SEND SATAN RIGHT OVER.
AHH! AHH!
ALL RIGHT!
DEVIL IN THE HOUSE.
HEY, PETE. DO YOU HAVE
YOUR UNIFORM FOR ME?
OH, YEAH.
GOING AS A FIREFIGHTER, HUH?
NO, I AM GOING AS A PERSON
WITH LOW SELF-ESTEEM
WHO HAS TO WEAR A UNIFORM
IN ORDER TO COMPENSATE
FOR HIS LACK OF MANHOOD.
THANKS.
YEAH, WELL, I'M GOING AS ASHLEY.
"LOOK AT ME. I'M... STUPID."
BERG, WOULD YOU STOP
PLAYING WITH YOUR HAIR?
LOOK AT THIS CHUNK OF
HAIR... A MIND OF ITS OWN.
DAMN COWLICK'S GROWN
COMPLETELY RESISTANT TO HAIR GEL.
YOUR WHOLE HEAD'S A COWLICK.
MY HAIR IS THE KEY TO MY LOOKS,
AND WITHOUT MY LOOKS, WHAT AM I?
THAT'S RIGHT... JUST SOME
GUY WITH CHARM AND BRAINS.
AND COWLICK'S A TRAGEDY?
COME ON. TRY BEING A WOMAN.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN PLUCKED,
WAXED, AND EXFOLIATED
BY A LARGE SLAVIC WOMAN?
GEESHKA! GEESHKA!
TRUST ME... LOOKING
GOOD IS A FULL-TIME JOB.
EVIDENTLY, YOU
DON'T WORK HOLIDAYS.
IT IS A WELL-KNOWN FACT
THAT MEN HAVE LIFE
EASIER THAN WOMEN.
YOU GET PAID MORE, YOUR
DRY CLEANING'S CHEAPER,
AND HORSEBACK RIDING...
THE ONLY TIME YOU PUT
YOUR FEET IN STIRRUPS.
ALL BECAUSE YOU GOT A WINKIE.
YEAH, BUT I HATE PRESENTING IT
JUST TO GET THE
DISCOUNT ON DRY CLEANING.
NAH. I LIKE THE CAT
COSTUME BETTER.
DE CATAMOON VERNA LOTO.
SORRY. NO COMPREND-O, LUNATIC-O.
YOU'VE IGNORED MY HOST
VESSEL, IRENE, ONCE TOO OFTEN.
I CURSE YOU!
BERG AND SHARON IGNORED
YOUR HOST VESSEL, TOO.
FINE. THEN I CURSE THEM, TOO!
ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU GO.
Man: DUNVILLE!
I WAS JUST POLISHING, SIR.
LOOK, THERE'S A LINE OF KIDS
WAITING TO GET THEIR
HALLOWEEN CANDY X-RAYED.
OH, OKAY. LET ME
JUST GO GET CHANGED.
IF YOU COME ACROSS
ANY MILK DUDS,
MAKE SURE THEY FIND
THEIR WAY INTO MY OFFICE.
YES, SIR.
OW!
AAAH!
OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!
AAAAH!!
GOD, YOU SCREAM LIKE A GIRL!
AAAAH!!
GET OFF OF ME! GET OFF ME!
I LOVE YOU, PETEY.
Man: DUNVILLE!
OH, MY GOD! WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
HE CAN'T SEE ME LIKE THIS.
UH, QUICK! PUT A
BAG OVER YOUR HEAD.
HEY...
NICE COSTUME.
THANKS.
YOU KNOW, ORIGINALLY,
IT WAS JUST A HUMP WITH...
YOU KNOW, HAIR
GROWING OUT OF IT.
AND, UH... THEN I JUST...
I PAINTED THE EYES
AND THE MOUTH.
LOOKS REAL!
CAN I TOUCH IT?
YOU DO, AND YOU'LL
LOSE A FINGER.
YOU'RE GOOD!
I DIDN'T EVEN SEE
YOUR LIPS MOVE.
YEAH, WELL, IF MY CAREER
DIDN'T WORK AS A FIREFIGHTER,
I WAS GONNA TAKE
MY ACT ON THE ROAD.
WHOA!
BACKDRAFT!
WHAT?
WHAT DID YOU EAT FOR DINNER?
VERY FUNNY, DUNVILLE.
NOW KNOCK IT OFF.
KNOCK IT OFF.
KNOCK IT OFF. YOUR TURN.
DON'T TEST ME, DUNVILLE.
I'M NOT TOO OLD
TO KICK YOUR BUTT.
OH, SURE YOU ARE.
THAT'S WHY THE UNION WON'T LET
YOU CLIMB THE LADDERS ANYMORE.
SORRY, SIR.
BUT YOU'RE ALSO VERY HANDSOME.
SAVE IT.
YOU'LL BE FIGHTING FIRE WITH
A MOP FOR THE NEXT WEEK.
YEAH, WELL, YOU CAN
TAKE THAT MOP AND JUST...
HAND IT TO ME AND I
CAN BE VERY HELPFUL.
MORNIN'.
MORNIN'.
OH, BABY.
SORRY.
OKAY, I'M GONNA TAKE A SHOWER.
OKAY.
OKAY.
AAAAAAAAAH!
WHAT?!
WHAT IS IT? WHAT'S WRONG?
JOHNNY, I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'M GONNA SAY THIS
BUT I THINK...
I THINK I HAVE A WINKIE!
OH, SWEETIE.
I HAVE A WINKIE.
YOU HAVE A YOO-HOO.
NO, JOHNNY, I'M SERIOUS.
OKAY, LET YOUR HUSBAND
SEE HIS WIFE'S LITTLE...
SWEET MOTHER OF...
WHAT IS THAT?!
IT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!
HOW DO I TAKE IT OFF?
TRUST ME... THE
MORE YOU PULL ON IT,
THE LESS YOU'RE GONNA
WANT TO GET RID OF IT.
SWEETIE, SWEETIE,
YOU GOTTA HELP ME.
WHOO-WHOO!
SWEETIE!
"FOR BETTER OR WORSE," REMEMBER?
WELL, IT IS WORSE!
IT IS WORSE THAN YOU THINK.
HOW CAN IT BE WORSE?
IT'S BIGGER THAN MINE.
BERG! DO WE HAVE A HACKSAW?
PETE...
PETE, SOMETHING IS
TERRIBLY WRONG WITH ME.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THESE TEETH!
I'M NOT BRITISH!
PETER, I HAVE MOLES ON MY BACK
THAT WON'T STOP GROWING HAIR.
NO MATTER HOW MUCH I CUT THEM,
THE HAIR KEEPS GROWING BACK.
I'M STARTING TO LOOK LIKE
PETE SSSAMPRASSS BACK THERE.
WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
NOTHING. PETE WHO?
SSSAMPRASSS.
WHAT WAS THAT?
SSSAMP... KNOCK IT OFF!
WHAT'S ON YOUR SHOULDER?
JUST THIS TERRIBLE WHITEHEAD.
WOW! BERG, THAT CLEARASIL'S
REALLY STARTING TO WORK!
YOU SHOULD REALLY POP THAT.
SHARON, I AM JUST A
LITTLE WEIRDED OUT.
AND I DO NOT LIKE THE
NAME "LITTLE SHARON."
WELL, "LITTLE JOHNNY"
WAS ALREADY TAKEN.
W-W-W-WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU GUYS?
I'M A FREAK. I'M UGLY.
I'M WITH STUPID.
YEAH, WELL, I HAVE
THE WORST OF ALL.
I WOKE UP THIS
MORNING WITH A PENIS...
AN ENORMOUS PENIS.
REALLY, THAT'S NOT SO BAD.
NOW SHE CAN BE A MODEL FOR
A VERY SSSPECIALIZED MAGAZINE.
WHAT KIND OF MAGAZINE?
STOP IT!
HOW DID WE END UP SO CURSED?
IRENE!
IRENE!
WHEN I TOLD HER SHE COULDN'T
WATCH SCARY MOVIES WITH US,
SHE SAID SHE WAS GOING
TO CURSE ALL OF US.
LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
SO, IN A WAY, THIS IS...
OH, GOD!
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.
YOU MADE ME UGLY, PETE!
YOU'RE UGLY?
LOOK AT THE GROWTH
UNDERNEATH MY NECK!
ASHLEY, THERE'S
SOMETHING ON YOUR SHIRT.
PETE, I'M NOT FALLING FOR THAT.
EH, DOESN'T MATTER.
Johnny: LOOK, YOU
GUYS! LOOK! HEY!
FIGHTING IS NOT GONNA
HELP US SOLVE ANYTHING.
WHAT WE NEED TO DO IS FIND A WAY
TO GET RID OF MY WIFE'S WINKIE!
Pete: IRENE!
OPEN UP!
HEY, IRENE!
I-I-I LOVE WHAT YOU'VE
DONE WITH YOUR... SOUL.
LISTEN, WE WERE
WONDERING IF YOU...
I WANT MY LOOKS BACK!
OF COURSE, IF YOU'RE
NOT FEELING WELL...
UGH. CLEAN YOURSELF UP, MAN.
THANKS.
SO, TELL ME...
HOW ARE YOU ALL
ENJOYING MY LITTLE GIFTS?
YEAH, WELL, NOT SO LITTLE.
WHY ARE YOU PLAGUING US?
BECAUSE... I CAN'T
STAND YOUR CLIQUE.
YOU THINK YOU'RE TOO
GOOD FOR ANYONE ELSE.
WELL, I'M GONNA BREAK
THAT CLIQUE APART.
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
I KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I
WENT TO PAROCHIAL SCHOOL.
I'M NOT SCARED OF YOU!
YOU REMOVE THESE THREE PLAGUES!
LET MY PEOPLE GO!
BABY, YOU'RE SO BRAVE.
ARE YOU...
AROUSED?
SORRY, BABY. IT HAS
A MIND OF ITS OWN.
THANKS, MAN.
EW! UGH!
DEVIL VOMIT IS NASTY!
ENOUGH!
I WILL REMOVE THE CURSES.
YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY!
JUST GIVE ME ONE OF
YOUR MORTAL SOULS
TO BE DAMNED TO
HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY!
THAT'S NO GOOD. OHH.OHH.
YOU HAVE 10 MINUTES TO DECIDE
WHICH FRIEND YOU LIKE THE LEAST.
COULD WE HAVE ANOTHER MINUTE?
I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM.
HOW ARE WE GONNA
MAKE A DECISION LIKE THIS?
I WAS ALWAYS TOLD YOU SHOULD
NEVER NOMINATE YOURSELF.
WHAT'S THAT, ASHLEY?
I NOMINATE BERG.
OH, COME ON, PEOPLE!
WE'RE BEST FRIENDS!
IF WE STAND TOGETHER,
WE'RE STRONG.
THE DEVIL CAN'T HURT US.
HOLY CRAP! I VOTE FOR PETE!
I SECOND. CONGRATULATIONS!
NO, IT CAN'T BE ME! I'M
A FIREMAN! I SAVE LIVES!
BIG DEAL!
WHAT ABOUT ME?
THE WORLD NEEDS
BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.
WHAT ABOUT "TRIPOD" OVER THERE?
WHAT DOES SHE DO
THAT'S SO SPECIAL?
HEY! NO WAY IS IT
GONNA BE SHARON!
I LOVE MY MAN-WIFE.
WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT A MINUTE.
GUYS, LOOK AT WHAT WE'VE BECOME.
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SENDING
ONE OF OUR BEST FRIENDS TO HELL,
YET ALL WE CAN DO IS BICKER
AND BACKSTAB EACH OTHER.
THE ONLY FAIR THING TO DO
IS SEE IF WE CAN ALL
AGREE ON ONE PERSON.
I NOMINATE BERG.
ALL THOSE OPPOSED,
RAISE THEIR HANDS!
A FOOT! I'M RAISING A FOOT!
OH, NO!
THAT DOESN'T
COUNT! NO, IT DOESN'T!
YES, IT DOES! YES, IT DOES!
EVERYONE KNOWS, PETE,
WHEN YOU HAVE NO ARMS,
YOUR FEET BECOME YOUR HANDS.
I HOPE TO SOMEDAY USE MY FEET
TO PLAY GUITAR FOR THE POPE.
NO! NO!
PLEASE, NO!
OH, JOHNNY, YOU'RE SO BRAVE
PUSHING AROUND THE ARMLESS GUY.
Pete: ALL RIGHT. WE'VE
MADE OUR DECISION.
IS IT YOU?
NO, IT'S NOT. IT'S BERG.
OH, OH! EXCELLENT CHOICE.
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A
MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO
MEAN... BERG'S BETTER THAN ME?
SUDDENLY I'M NOT GOOD
ENOUGH FOR THE DEVIL?
OW! OW!
WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR?!
I WAS JUST SEEING
IF IT WAS HOLLOW.
ENOUGH!
HURRY IN, BERG. HELL AWAITS.
OOH!
IT'S TOASTY.
WELL, I, UH, GUESS
THIS IS IT, GUYS.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW...
I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I STILL LOVE YOU.
OH, SURE, IT'S EASY TO SAY
YOU LOVE ME NOW, BERG,
BUT WHY COULDN'T YOU SAY
IT WHEN WE WERE DATING?
BECAUSE I WAS TALKING
TO PETE AND SHARON.
WELL, DON'T FEEL
BAD ABOUT ME, GUYS.
I WAS PROBABLY GONNA END
UP DOWN THERE EVENTUALLY.
THANKS.
ALL I ASK IS THAT YOU ENJOY
THIS PRECIOUS GIFT OF LIFE
THAT I GIVE YOU.
FOR IT TRULY IS A GIFT.
MAYBE...
MAYBE SOMEDAY, YOU'LL
TELL YOUR CHILDREN
ABOUT YOUR OLD FRIEND BERG...
THE GUY WITH THE GREAT
HAIR AND THE KILLER SMILE
AND TWO FUNCTIONAL ARMS.
YEAH, YOU BETTER
BELIEVE WE WILL, BUDDY.
BYE, GUYS.
HEY. WHAT, KIDS?
I'M THE ONE THAT CAUSED
THIS. IT SHOULD BE ME.
I'M THE ONE THAT
TICKED OFF IRENE.
NO, PETE! IT SHOULD BE ME. I
COULD HAVE BEEN NICER TO HER.
WELL, IT SHOULDN'T BE ME.
I'VE BEEN NICE TO HER IN
SEVERAL INTERESTING WAYS.
IT'S TOO LATE. YOU'VE
ALREADY CHOSEN.
I'M GOING WITH BERG. ME TOO.
BUT I'M TRYING TO
DESTROY YOUR FRIENDSHIP!
YOU CAN'T ALL GO!
YOU KNOW WHAT?
IF MY WIFE IS GOING TO HELL,
THEN I'M GONNA GO WITH HER.
NO, NO, NO, BABY. I
WANT YOU TO STAY.
I WANT YOU TO LIVE
LONG AND BE HAPPY.
THANK YOU. OKAY, LOVE YOU.
IT'S ALL OF US OR NONE OF US.
ALL RIGHT. YOU WIN.
YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!
I'LL TAKE ALL OF YOU.
THAT'S NO GOOD. AWWW.AHHH.
WHAT HAPPENED? WE'RE HOME.
I'M BEAUTIFUL.
THE DEVIL MUST
HAVE BEEN BLUFFING.
NO, NO, NO.
DON'T YOU SEE? IT WAS OUR LOVE
FOR EACH OTHER THAT SAVED US.
ONLY LOVE CAN DEFEAT THE DEVIL.
WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT'S GOING ON?
LOOK, MR. JEEBERS.
WE HAVE ANOTHER ONE
FOR OUR COLLECTION.
OOPS.
OH, NO MORE ROOM.
OHHH.
WELL, I GUESS IT'S
TIME WE RETIRE...
ROBERT GOULET.
AAAAAAAH!
HEY! CHEW 'EM
BEFORE YOU SWALLOW!
ON THE COUNT
OF THREE. 1... 2... 3!
AHHHH! AHHHH! AHHHH!
WE'RE FREE!
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE JOHNNY!
HOW DO I LOOK?
TINY.
Pete: OH! RUN AWAY!
HE'S GOT ME! BERG!
Berg: SHARON! RUN!
WELL, HE'S GOT ME!
YOU
KILLER'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!
OH, DON'T TURN AROUND!
DON'T...
START MAKING OUT
WITH THE OTHER GIRL.
"I KNOW WHO YOU
DID LAST SUMMER."
CUTE, GUYS.
TRICK OR TREATY, NEIGHBOR PETEY.
RRRRRR!
HEY, IRENE. THAT'S
A NICE COSTUME.
CAT. HOW'D YOU COME
UP WITH THAT ONE?
OHHH, I'M NOT JUST ANY CAT.
I'M MY FAVORITE... MR. JEEBERS.
IT WAS ONLY FAIR, SINCE HE
DRESSED AS ME THIS YEAR.
LISTEN, WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE
OF A SCARY-MOVIE MARATHON...
OH, I LIKE SCARY MOVIES!
WE'LL SEND THEM OVER
WHEN WE'RE THROUGH.
WAIT! WAIT! CAN I STAY?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT MIGHT BE A LITTLE
UNCOMFORTABLE.
WE'RE ACTUALLY
WATCHING dirty movies.
OH, I LOVE DIRTY MOVIES.
YEAH, SEE?
IT'S ALREADY UNCOMFORTABLE.
BUT...
WE DON'T NEED
THEM, RIGHT, IRENE?
SORRY. I MEAN "MR. JEEBERS."
YOUR COSTUME IS SO CONVINCING!
WE'VE GOT NICER FRIENDS
IN THE SPIRITUAL REALM.
HAIL, SATAN. WE'RE
CALLING IN ANOTHER FAVOR.
RED ROVER, RED ROVER,
SEND SATAN RIGHT OVER.
AHH! AHH!
ALL RIGHT!
DEVIL IN THE HOUSE.
HEY, PETE. DO YOU HAVE
YOUR UNIFORM FOR ME?
OH, YEAH.
GOING AS A FIREFIGHTER, HUH?
NO, I AM GOING AS A PERSON
WITH LOW SELF-ESTEEM
WHO HAS TO WEAR A UNIFORM
IN ORDER TO COMPENSATE
FOR HIS LACK OF MANHOOD.
THANKS.
YEAH, WELL, I'M GOING AS ASHLEY.
"LOOK AT ME. I'M... STUPID."
BERG, WOULD YOU STOP
PLAYING WITH YOUR HAIR?
LOOK AT THIS CHUNK OF
HAIR... A MIND OF ITS OWN.
DAMN COWLICK'S GROWN
COMPLETELY RESISTANT TO HAIR GEL.
YOUR WHOLE HEAD'S A COWLICK.
MY HAIR IS THE KEY TO MY LOOKS,
AND WITHOUT MY LOOKS, WHAT AM I?
THAT'S RIGHT... JUST SOME
GUY WITH CHARM AND BRAINS.
AND COWLICK'S A TRAGEDY?
COME ON. TRY BEING A WOMAN.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN PLUCKED,
WAXED, AND EXFOLIATED
BY A LARGE SLAVIC WOMAN?
GEESHKA! GEESHKA!
TRUST ME... LOOKING
GOOD IS A FULL-TIME JOB.
EVIDENTLY, YOU
DON'T WORK HOLIDAYS.
IT IS A WELL-KNOWN FACT
THAT MEN HAVE LIFE
EASIER THAN WOMEN.
YOU GET PAID MORE, YOUR
DRY CLEANING'S CHEAPER,
AND HORSEBACK RIDING...
THE ONLY TIME YOU PUT
YOUR FEET IN STIRRUPS.
ALL BECAUSE YOU GOT A WINKIE.
YEAH, BUT I HATE PRESENTING IT
JUST TO GET THE
DISCOUNT ON DRY CLEANING.
NAH. I LIKE THE CAT
COSTUME BETTER.
DE CATAMOON VERNA LOTO.
SORRY. NO COMPREND-O, LUNATIC-O.
YOU'VE IGNORED MY HOST
VESSEL, IRENE, ONCE TOO OFTEN.
I CURSE YOU!
BERG AND SHARON IGNORED
YOUR HOST VESSEL, TOO.
FINE. THEN I CURSE THEM, TOO!
ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU GO.
Man: DUNVILLE!
I WAS JUST POLISHING, SIR.
LOOK, THERE'S A LINE OF KIDS
WAITING TO GET THEIR
HALLOWEEN CANDY X-RAYED.
OH, OKAY. LET ME
JUST GO GET CHANGED.
IF YOU COME ACROSS
ANY MILK DUDS,
MAKE SURE THEY FIND
THEIR WAY INTO MY OFFICE.
YES, SIR.
OW!
AAAH!
OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!
AAAAH!!
GOD, YOU SCREAM LIKE A GIRL!
AAAAH!!
GET OFF OF ME! GET OFF ME!
I LOVE YOU, PETEY.
Man: DUNVILLE!
OH, MY GOD! WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
HE CAN'T SEE ME LIKE THIS.
UH, QUICK! PUT A
BAG OVER YOUR HEAD.
HEY...
NICE COSTUME.
THANKS.
YOU KNOW, ORIGINALLY,
IT WAS JUST A HUMP WITH...
YOU KNOW, HAIR
GROWING OUT OF IT.
AND, UH... THEN I JUST...
I PAINTED THE EYES
AND THE MOUTH.
LOOKS REAL!
CAN I TOUCH IT?
YOU DO, AND YOU'LL
LOSE A FINGER.
YOU'RE GOOD!
I DIDN'T EVEN SEE
YOUR LIPS MOVE.
YEAH, WELL, IF MY CAREER
DIDN'T WORK AS A FIREFIGHTER,
I WAS GONNA TAKE
MY ACT ON THE ROAD.
WHOA!
BACKDRAFT!
WHAT?
WHAT DID YOU EAT FOR DINNER?
VERY FUNNY, DUNVILLE.
NOW KNOCK IT OFF.
KNOCK IT OFF.
KNOCK IT OFF. YOUR TURN.
DON'T TEST ME, DUNVILLE.
I'M NOT TOO OLD
TO KICK YOUR BUTT.
OH, SURE YOU ARE.
THAT'S WHY THE UNION WON'T LET
YOU CLIMB THE LADDERS ANYMORE.
SORRY, SIR.
BUT YOU'RE ALSO VERY HANDSOME.
SAVE IT.
YOU'LL BE FIGHTING FIRE WITH
A MOP FOR THE NEXT WEEK.
YEAH, WELL, YOU CAN
TAKE THAT MOP AND JUST...
HAND IT TO ME AND I
CAN BE VERY HELPFUL.
MORNIN'.
MORNIN'.
OH, BABY.
SORRY.
OKAY, I'M GONNA TAKE A SHOWER.
OKAY.
OKAY.
AAAAAAAAAH!
WHAT?!
WHAT IS IT? WHAT'S WRONG?
JOHNNY, I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'M GONNA SAY THIS
BUT I THINK...
I THINK I HAVE A WINKIE!
OH, SWEETIE.
I HAVE A WINKIE.
YOU HAVE A YOO-HOO.
NO, JOHNNY, I'M SERIOUS.
OKAY, LET YOUR HUSBAND
SEE HIS WIFE'S LITTLE...
SWEET MOTHER OF...
WHAT IS THAT?!
IT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!
HOW DO I TAKE IT OFF?
TRUST ME... THE
MORE YOU PULL ON IT,
THE LESS YOU'RE GONNA
WANT TO GET RID OF IT.
SWEETIE, SWEETIE,
YOU GOTTA HELP ME.
WHOO-WHOO!
SWEETIE!
"FOR BETTER OR WORSE," REMEMBER?
WELL, IT IS WORSE!
IT IS WORSE THAN YOU THINK.
HOW CAN IT BE WORSE?
IT'S BIGGER THAN MINE.
BERG! DO WE HAVE A HACKSAW?
PETE...
PETE, SOMETHING IS
TERRIBLY WRONG WITH ME.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THESE TEETH!
I'M NOT BRITISH!
PETER, I HAVE MOLES ON MY BACK
THAT WON'T STOP GROWING HAIR.
NO MATTER HOW MUCH I CUT THEM,
THE HAIR KEEPS GROWING BACK.
I'M STARTING TO LOOK LIKE
PETE SSSAMPRASSS BACK THERE.
WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
NOTHING. PETE WHO?
SSSAMPRASSS.
WHAT WAS THAT?
SSSAMP... KNOCK IT OFF!
WHAT'S ON YOUR SHOULDER?
JUST THIS TERRIBLE WHITEHEAD.
WOW! BERG, THAT CLEARASIL'S
REALLY STARTING TO WORK!
YOU SHOULD REALLY POP THAT.
SHARON, I AM JUST A
LITTLE WEIRDED OUT.
AND I DO NOT LIKE THE
NAME "LITTLE SHARON."
WELL, "LITTLE JOHNNY"
WAS ALREADY TAKEN.
W-W-W-WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU GUYS?
I'M A FREAK. I'M UGLY.
I'M WITH STUPID.
YEAH, WELL, I HAVE
THE WORST OF ALL.
I WOKE UP THIS
MORNING WITH A PENIS...
AN ENORMOUS PENIS.
REALLY, THAT'S NOT SO BAD.
NOW SHE CAN BE A MODEL FOR
A VERY SSSPECIALIZED MAGAZINE.
WHAT KIND OF MAGAZINE?
STOP IT!
HOW DID WE END UP SO CURSED?
IRENE!
IRENE!
WHEN I TOLD HER SHE COULDN'T
WATCH SCARY MOVIES WITH US,
SHE SAID SHE WAS GOING
TO CURSE ALL OF US.
LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
SO, IN A WAY, THIS IS...
OH, GOD!
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.
YOU MADE ME UGLY, PETE!
YOU'RE UGLY?
LOOK AT THE GROWTH
UNDERNEATH MY NECK!
ASHLEY, THERE'S
SOMETHING ON YOUR SHIRT.
PETE, I'M NOT FALLING FOR THAT.
EH, DOESN'T MATTER.
Johnny: LOOK, YOU
GUYS! LOOK! HEY!
FIGHTING IS NOT GONNA
HELP US SOLVE ANYTHING.
WHAT WE NEED TO DO IS FIND A WAY
TO GET RID OF MY WIFE'S WINKIE!
Pete: IRENE!
OPEN UP!
HEY, IRENE!
I-I-I LOVE WHAT YOU'VE
DONE WITH YOUR... SOUL.
LISTEN, WE WERE
WONDERING IF YOU...
I WANT MY LOOKS BACK!
OF COURSE, IF YOU'RE
NOT FEELING WELL...
UGH. CLEAN YOURSELF UP, MAN.
THANKS.
SO, TELL ME...
HOW ARE YOU ALL
ENJOYING MY LITTLE GIFTS?
YEAH, WELL, NOT SO LITTLE.
WHY ARE YOU PLAGUING US?
BECAUSE... I CAN'T
STAND YOUR CLIQUE.
YOU THINK YOU'RE TOO
GOOD FOR ANYONE ELSE.
WELL, I'M GONNA BREAK
THAT CLIQUE APART.
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
I KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I
WENT TO PAROCHIAL SCHOOL.
I'M NOT SCARED OF YOU!
YOU REMOVE THESE THREE PLAGUES!
LET MY PEOPLE GO!
BABY, YOU'RE SO BRAVE.
ARE YOU...
AROUSED?
SORRY, BABY. IT HAS
A MIND OF ITS OWN.
THANKS, MAN.
EW! UGH!
DEVIL VOMIT IS NASTY!
ENOUGH!
I WILL REMOVE THE CURSES.
YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY!
JUST GIVE ME ONE OF
YOUR MORTAL SOULS
TO BE DAMNED TO
HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY!
THAT'S NO GOOD. OHH.OHH.
YOU HAVE 10 MINUTES TO DECIDE
WHICH FRIEND YOU LIKE THE LEAST.
COULD WE HAVE ANOTHER MINUTE?
I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM.
HOW ARE WE GONNA
MAKE A DECISION LIKE THIS?
I WAS ALWAYS TOLD YOU SHOULD
NEVER NOMINATE YOURSELF.
WHAT'S THAT, ASHLEY?
I NOMINATE BERG.
OH, COME ON, PEOPLE!
WE'RE BEST FRIENDS!
IF WE STAND TOGETHER,
WE'RE STRONG.
THE DEVIL CAN'T HURT US.
HOLY CRAP! I VOTE FOR PETE!
I SECOND. CONGRATULATIONS!
NO, IT CAN'T BE ME! I'M
A FIREMAN! I SAVE LIVES!
BIG DEAL!
WHAT ABOUT ME?
THE WORLD NEEDS
BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.
WHAT ABOUT "TRIPOD" OVER THERE?
WHAT DOES SHE DO
THAT'S SO SPECIAL?
HEY! NO WAY IS IT
GONNA BE SHARON!
I LOVE MY MAN-WIFE.
WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT A MINUTE.
GUYS, LOOK AT WHAT WE'VE BECOME.
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SENDING
ONE OF OUR BEST FRIENDS TO HELL,
YET ALL WE CAN DO IS BICKER
AND BACKSTAB EACH OTHER.
THE ONLY FAIR THING TO DO
IS SEE IF WE CAN ALL
AGREE ON ONE PERSON.
I NOMINATE BERG.
ALL THOSE OPPOSED,
RAISE THEIR HANDS!
A FOOT! I'M RAISING A FOOT!
OH, NO!
THAT DOESN'T
COUNT! NO, IT DOESN'T!
YES, IT DOES! YES, IT DOES!
EVERYONE KNOWS, PETE,
WHEN YOU HAVE NO ARMS,
YOUR FEET BECOME YOUR HANDS.
I HOPE TO SOMEDAY USE MY FEET
TO PLAY GUITAR FOR THE POPE.
NO! NO!
PLEASE, NO!
OH, JOHNNY, YOU'RE SO BRAVE
PUSHING AROUND THE ARMLESS GUY.
Pete: ALL RIGHT. WE'VE
MADE OUR DECISION.
IS IT YOU?
NO, IT'S NOT. IT'S BERG.
OH, OH! EXCELLENT CHOICE.
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A
MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO
MEAN... BERG'S BETTER THAN ME?
SUDDENLY I'M NOT GOOD
ENOUGH FOR THE DEVIL?
OW! OW!
WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR?!
I WAS JUST SEEING
IF IT WAS HOLLOW.
ENOUGH!
HURRY IN, BERG. HELL AWAITS.
OOH!
IT'S TOASTY.
WELL, I, UH, GUESS
THIS IS IT, GUYS.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW...
I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I STILL LOVE YOU.
OH, SURE, IT'S EASY TO SAY
YOU LOVE ME NOW, BERG,
BUT WHY COULDN'T YOU SAY
IT WHEN WE WERE DATING?
BECAUSE I WAS TALKING
TO PETE AND SHARON.
WELL, DON'T FEEL
BAD ABOUT ME, GUYS.
I WAS PROBABLY GONNA END
UP DOWN THERE EVENTUALLY.
THANKS.
ALL I ASK IS THAT YOU ENJOY
THIS PRECIOUS GIFT OF LIFE
THAT I GIVE YOU.
FOR IT TRULY IS A GIFT.
MAYBE...
MAYBE SOMEDAY, YOU'LL
TELL YOUR CHILDREN
ABOUT YOUR OLD FRIEND BERG...
THE GUY WITH THE GREAT
HAIR AND THE KILLER SMILE
AND TWO FUNCTIONAL ARMS.
YEAH, YOU BETTER
BELIEVE WE WILL, BUDDY.
BYE, GUYS.
HEY. WHAT, KIDS?
I'M THE ONE THAT CAUSED
THIS. IT SHOULD BE ME.
I'M THE ONE THAT
TICKED OFF IRENE.
NO, PETE! IT SHOULD BE ME. I
COULD HAVE BEEN NICER TO HER.
WELL, IT SHOULDN'T BE ME.
I'VE BEEN NICE TO HER IN
SEVERAL INTERESTING WAYS.
IT'S TOO LATE. YOU'VE
ALREADY CHOSEN.
I'M GOING WITH BERG. ME TOO.
BUT I'M TRYING TO
DESTROY YOUR FRIENDSHIP!
YOU CAN'T ALL GO!
YOU KNOW WHAT?
IF MY WIFE IS GOING TO HELL,
THEN I'M GONNA GO WITH HER.
NO, NO, NO, BABY. I
WANT YOU TO STAY.
I WANT YOU TO LIVE
LONG AND BE HAPPY.
THANK YOU. OKAY, LOVE YOU.
IT'S ALL OF US OR NONE OF US.
ALL RIGHT. YOU WIN.
YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!
I'LL TAKE ALL OF YOU.
THAT'S NO GOOD. AWWW.AHHH.
WHAT HAPPENED? WE'RE HOME.
I'M BEAUTIFUL.
THE DEVIL MUST
HAVE BEEN BLUFFING.
NO, NO, NO.
DON'T YOU SEE? IT WAS OUR LOVE
FOR EACH OTHER THAT SAVED US.
ONLY LOVE CAN DEFEAT THE DEVIL.
WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT'S GOING ON?
LOOK, MR. JEEBERS.
WE HAVE ANOTHER ONE
FOR OUR COLLECTION.
OOPS.
OH, NO MORE ROOM.
OHHH.
WELL, I GUESS IT'S
TIME WE RETIRE...
ROBERT GOULET.
AAAAAAAH!
HEY! CHEW 'EM
BEFORE YOU SWALLOW!
ON THE COUNT
OF THREE. 1... 2... 3!
AHHHH! AHHHH! AHHHH!
WE'RE FREE!
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE JOHNNY!
HOW DO I LOOK?
TINY.
Pete: OH! RUN AWAY!
HE'S GOT ME! BERG!
Berg: SHARON! RUN!
WELL, HE'S GOT ME!
YOU