Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 4, Episode 3 - 15 Minutes of Shame - full transcript

LOOK WHAT I BOUGHT!

COOL.

TONIGHT I'LL BE THE DOCTOR,

AND YOU'LL BE THE
VEGAS SHOWGIRL.

THEY'RE FOR YOU, SILLY.

I'm the showgirl!

Berg: I'VE BEEN A
VERY BAD SHOWGIRL!

WE HAVE TO GO BACK
TO THE APARTMENT.

PETE!

PETER!

IT'S COOL. NO ONE'S HERE.



THANK YOU. THANKS
FOR WALKING ME OUT.

LISTEN, IRENE...

DON'T YOU THINK ALL
THIS SNEAKIN' AROUND

IS MAKIN' US LOOK
A LITTLE SILLY?

NO, YOU UNDERNEATH MY
ROBE... THAT WOULD LOOK SILLY.

RIGHT? RIGHT?

BUT, IRENE, I'M JUST SAYIN'
THAT WOULD IT BE SO TERRIBLE

IF OR TWO PEOPLE
FOUND OUT ABOUT US?

I'M SURE IT MUST BE VERY
TEMPTING TO RUN DOWN THE HALL

YELLING, "I MADE SWEET
LOVE WITH IRENE! AHH!"

BUT I CANNOT RUN THE RISK
OF PETE EVER FINDING OUT.

STILL WITH THE
"PETE THING," HUH?

WOW!

I THOUGHT AFTER SPENDING
THIS MUCH TIME WITH ME,



YOU MIGHT HAVE
FORGOTTEN ABOUT HIM.

OH, YOU!

I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S
THE SEX OR THE LAUGHS,

BUT WE DO HAVE FUN.

PETE! NOT NOW, IRENE.

I KNOW YOU'RE WONDERING
WHAT I WAS DOING WITH BERG.

NOT REALLY.

OKAY, OBVIOUSLY YOU
HAVE SOME QUESTIONS...

OHH!

Al Michaels: AND SO AT THE HALF

NEW ENGLAND LEADS
BY A TOUCHDOWN.

AND WHEN WE COME BACK,

WE'LL BE JOINED BY RED SOX
SUPERSTAR NOMAR GARCIAPARRA.

DID YOU HEAR THAT? MY
MAN NOMAR'S COMIN' ON.

NOMAR'S NOT YOUR MAN.

HE WAS NEVER YOUR
MAN. HE WAS MY MAN.

SO, YOU, MY FRIEND,

ARE GONNA HAVE TO FIND
YOURSELF ANOTHER MAN.

HEY! WE NEED TO TALK.

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT
YOU'RE TALKIN' ABOUT.

MARTI'S NOT WEARING A BRA!

WE NEED TO TALK
ABOUT YOU AND IRENE

HAVING SEX IN MY HOUSE.

OH! YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
TALK TO IRENE ABOUT THAT.

SHE BOOKS ALL OUR GIGS.

CUT IT OUT, BERG. I SAW YOU.

OH!

YEAH.

I STILL SEE YOU EVERY
TIME I CLOSE MY EYES.

WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! HOLD ON!

YOU CAN'T TELL ANYBODY.

I HAVE TO TELL SHARON.

YOU CAN'T TELL SHARON.

SHE'S MY WIFE! BIG DEAL!

WHERE'S IT WRITTEN THAT YOU
HAVE TO TELL HER EVERYTHING?

IN THE PRENUP.

I'M JUST SAYING JUST THE
FACT THAT YOU'RE MARRIED

DOESN'T CHANGE THE
FACT THAT YOU'RE A GUY!

GUYS NEED TO TELL EACH
OTHER THINGS... GUY THINGS.

NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

THIS IS SHARON
WE'RE TALKIN' ABOUT.

SHE'S GOT A DEATH
GRIP ON MY "GUY THINGS."

JOHNNY...

JOHNNY, COME ON!
PLEASE? PLEASE, JOHNNY?

WHAT ARE YOU TWO TALKING ABOUT?

JOHNNY WAS JUST TELLIN' ME
HOW NICE HE THOUGHT I LOOKED.

I MEAN, I... I BROUGHT IT UP,

BUT... BUT THEN
JOHNNY WAS LIKE, "YEAH!"

REALLY?

THAT DOESN'T SOUND
LIKE YOU, JOHNNY.

OH, TH... I TELL GUYS THEY
LOOK GOOD ALL THE TIME.

HEY, BUDDY!

CUTE SLACKS.

HEY, NOMAR'S ON!

OH, WHAT'S HE WEARING?

NOMAR, THERE'S A LOT OF
SPECULATION RIGHT NOW

CONCERNING WHETHER
YOU'LL STAY WITH THE RED SOX.

WHAT CAN YOU TELL US?

WELL, I'M CONSIDERING
ALL MY OPTIONS RIGHT NOW.

OH! OH! OH! OH!

MAN, DID YOU HEAR THAT?
NOMAR MIGHT LEAVE BOSTON.

ASIDE FROM THE OBVIOUS HEARTACHE

INVOLVED FOR RED SOX FANS,

I UNDERSTAND THERE WAS
SOME HEARTACHE INVOLVED

FOR YOU PERSONALLY.

ASHLEY.

UH, SO, UH...

SO, NOMAR... BIG YEAR...
THE BATTING TITLE...

I HAVE HER PICTURE RIGHT HERE.

UH, NOMAR, WE'RE
GOING TO TAKE A BREAK.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

WHO IS THIS ASHLEY CHICK?!

LET'S FIND WHERE SHE
LIVES AND DO STUFF!

YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!

ASHLEY, THIS IS AWFUL. YOU
BETTER GET OUT OF HERE.

WHY? NOBODY KNOWS WHO I AM.

HEY!

AREN'T YOU ASHLEY FROM THE TV?!

BOO! BOO! BOO!

NO, NO, NO, JOHNNY!
YOU STAY STRONG!

OKAY, LOOK, I GOT TO GO.

BERG!

BERG!

NO, SHE CANNOT
SEE INTO YOUR SOUL!

WELL, THEN LOOK THE OTHER WAY.

BERG! BERG! LOOK! LOOK! LOOK!

OKAY! DADDY TOLD
YOU NOT TO BOTHER HIM

WHEN HE'S ON THE PHONE.

CHECK OUT THE MORNING
PAPER. ASHLEY'S ALL OVER 'EM.

"ALL THE WITCHES
AREN'T IN SALEM."

"NO GARCIAPARRA... LET'S
LYNCH HER TOMORRA."

AND THE FUNNY GUY
ON "SPORTS CENTER"

CALLED HER "TRASH-LEY."

MAN, JUST THINK ABOUT IT.

ASHLEY'S UPSTAIRS ASLEEP.

SHE HAS NO IDEA THE
WORLD HATES HER.

SHE IS GONNA BE DEVASTATED
WHEN SHE SEES THIS.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

YEAH.

I SHOULD GO WAKE HER UP.

HEY! HEY, SHARON!

I CAN'T TALK. I GOTTA
GO TORTURE ASHLEY.

SO WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?

ASHLEY'S 15 MINUTES OF
SHAME. CHECK THIS OUT.

SO, YESTERDAY AT THE BAR...

WHAT WERE YOU AND JOHNNY
REALLY TALKING ABOUT?

WAS JOHNNY AT THE BAR YESTERDAY?

OHHHHH! OKAY!

I SEE YOU GOT A LITTLE SECRET!

OKAY!

THAT'S FINE. I'M NOT
GONNA TELL YOU.

WHATEVER. NO
MATTER WHAT YOU SAY.

I KNOW... BECAUSE
IT'S ABOUT ASHLEY.

NO.

IRENE?

WHY WOULD I HAVE A SECRET
THAT HAS TO DO WITH IRENE?

OKAY, SECRET ABOUT IRENE!

PFTT!

THAT IS RIDICULOUS.

OH! HA HA!

SECRET ABOUT BERG AND IRENE.

OKAY, STOP!

HOW DO YOU GO FROM
"THAT'S RIDICULOUS"

TO "BERG AND IRENE,"

KNOWING FULL WELL
SHE IS THE LAST PERSON

I WOULD EVER HAVE
ANYTHING TO DO WITH?

YOU'RE NOT SLEEPIN'
WITH HER, ARE YOU?

JOHNNY TOLD YOU!

OH, MY GOD! YOU'RE
SLEEPING WITH HER?!

HE DIDN'T TELL YOU!

OHH!

IT WAS... IT WAS
JUST A WILD GUESS!

I MEAN... YOU'RE
HAVING SEX WITH IRENE?!

IT'S NOT BAD.

HOW DID IT START?

WELL, HOW DOES IT
EVER START, YOU KNOW?

I SNUCK A HAND ON HER BREAST,
AND SHE LET IT STAY THERE.

BUT SHE'S... IRENE!

I MEAN... YOU KNOW,
LITTLE... IRENE!

I KNOW, AND THAT'S
WHY I DIDN'T TELL ANYONE.

NO, YOU TOLD JOHNNY!

NO, I DIDN'T. HE WALKED IN
ON US IN YOUR NEW HOUSE.

W-W-W-WAIT!

YOU HAD SEX IN MY NEW HOUSE!

I HAVEN'T EVEN HAD
SEX IN MY NEW HOUSE!

IT'S GREAT.

HOW COULD JOHNNY KEEP
SOMETHING THIS BIG FROM ME?

WELL, NOW I HAVE
TO MAKE HIM TELL ME.

H-H-H-H-HOLD ON!

SHARON, YOU ALREADY KNOW!

YES, BUT A HUSBAND
NEEDS TO LEARN

THAT HE CAN'T KEEP
SECRETS FROM HIS WIFE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

LADY, I'M BETTIN' ON JOHNNY.

BECAUSE WHEN A MAN HAS A
SECRET AND HE DOESN'T WANT TO TELL,

HE AIN'T GONNA LET
NO WOMAN MAKE HIM.

YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.

YOU'RE DAMN STRAIGHT I'M RIGHT!

OH! OH!

DOES IRENE HAVE A
PET NAME FOR YOU?

BANANA PANTS... DAMN IT!

Crowd: DOWN WITH ASHLEY!

DOWN WITH ASHLEY!
DOWN WITH ASHLEY!

DOWN WITH ASHLEY!
DOWN WITH ASHLEY!

ASHLEY'S ANGRY MOB.

MY PEOPLE.

OH, THANKS!

YOU GOT IT, MAN.

OH, HEY!

DON'T FORGET YOUR EGGS!

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE LETTING
STRANGERS USE YOUR BATHROOM.

STRANGERS? MARTI,
HE'S NOT A STRANGER.

WE ARE ALL BROTHERS IN
THE FIGHT AGAINST ASHLEY.

COME ON, PETE! LEAVE
THE POOR WOMAN ALONE.

SHE JUST BROKE UP
WITH HER BOYFRIEND

'CAUSE HE WAS
ACTING LIKE AN IDIOT.

THAT COULD HAPPEN TO ANYONE.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

MAYBE I'M TAKING THIS
THING A LITTLE TOO FAR.

I'LL STOP.

Man: HEY, EVERYBODY,
HERE SHE COMES!

IT'S SHOWTIME!

Man: HERE SHE COMES!

BOO! BOO! BOO! BOO!

HEY, NOMAR, DUMP ASHLEY!

OKAY, OUT OF MY WAY!

ASHLEY OUT OF BOSTON!

Crowd: ASHLEY OUT OF
BOSTON! ASHLEY OUT OF BOSTON!

HEY, WOULD YOU
PEOPLE GET A LIFE!

WHAT, IS THERE NO "STAR TREK"
CONVENTION THIS WEEKEND?

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
HOW PATHETIC YOU LOOK

DOING YOUR LAME CHANTS
AND WAVING FOAM FINGERS?

MY PERSONAL LIFE IS
NOT YOUR BUSINESS!

SO STOP WORRYING ABOUT ME,

AND START WORRYING ABOUT HOW
TO EXPLAIN YOUR COUSIN'S BABY!

I'M SORRY!

EXCUSE ME! WHAT'S THE PASSWORD?

Man: ASHLEY STILL SUCKS!

GOOD ONE!

Crowd: YOU STILL SUCK!

YOU STILL SUCK! YOU STILL SUCK!

YOU STILL SUCK! OKAY!

BUT I DIDN'T JUST
BREAK UP WITH NOMAR.

ANOTHER MAN STOLE MY HEART,

AND THAT MAN HAPPENS
TO BE A HUGE YANKEES FAN.

MY BOYFRIEND... PETER DUNVILLE!

Crowd: YOU BOTH SUCK!

YOU BOTH SUCK!

NO! NO! NO!

SHE'S LYING!

YOU BOTH SUCK! YOU BOTH SUCK!

LET ME IN!

LET ME IN!

BOO! BOO! BOO! BOO!

ANYTHING ABOUT ME IN THE PAPER?

JUST A TINY LITTLE PICTURE
OF YOU AND ASHLEY KISSING.

YOU CAN'T EVEN TELL IT'S YOU.

THANK GOD.

IT'S FINE. WAIT... SEE SPORTS.

WHOA!

OH, MY GOD!

THIS IS BIGGER THAN
YOUR ACTUAL FACE.

YOU! I KNOW. I KNOW.

IT IS SO UNFAIR OF ME.

I'M GONNA PUT AN
END TO IT RIGHT NOW.

HEY!

YOU LEAVE PETE DUNVILLE,

WHO LIVES IN THIS
APARTMENT, ALONE!

HEY! HEY! YOU KNOW WHAT?!

I'M NOT SCARED OF YOU!

GOOD THINKING THERE.
YELL AT THE ANGRY MOB.

ALL RIGHT! THAT'S IT!

YOU'VE ENTERED THE BUILDING!

YOU'RE TRESPASSING,
AND I'M CALLING THE POLICE!

GO AHEAD, PETE. HIT ME.

IT'LL BE THE SECOND BLOW
YOU STRUCK ME TODAY.

IRENE, I WON'T BE IN NEED
OF YOUR SERVICES TODAY.

I'M ALREADY ANNOYED.

OHH!

DID YOU SEE THIS PICTURE
OF PETE IN THE ARMS OF...

OH, THAT!

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT'S
IT'S LIKE TO KISS PETE, IRENE.

OH, WAIT. YOU DON'T.

OKAY, THIS IS VERY UPSETTING.

YOU HAVE TO... HAVE TO RELAX!

I'M GONNA GO HOME,
GIVE THE CATS A BATH...

ALTHOUGH, I COULD
USE SOME HELP...

SCRUBBING THEIR
SOFT... NAKED BACKS.

EW!

ALL RIGHT.

WOW!

HOW LONG HAVE BERG AND
IRENE BEEN SLEEPING TOGETHER?

MAN! YOU REALLY HAVE NO CLUE

WHEN IT COMES TO
RELATIONSHIPS, DO YOU?

NOW WOULD YOU PLEASE JUST
FOCUS? WE HAVE A PROBLEM OUT THERE.

I CAN'T MAKE NOMAR
STAY IN BOSTON.

HE FINDS IT TOO PAINFUL TO
BE IN THE SAME CITY WITH ME.

WELL, THEN I
GUESS IT'S UP TO ME.

I HAVE TO MAKE HIM REALIZE

WHAT A HORRIBLE,
HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE...

HORRIBLE... HORRIBLE
PERSON YOU ARE.

FINE. IF YOU THINK
NOMAR'S GONNA BELIEVE

THE BABBLINGS OF A
PONY-KICKED CHILD,

THEN GO RIGHT AHEAD.

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?
NOW YOU'RE BEING RUDE.

UGH!

SAY MY NAME.

I DON'T REALLY WANNA... SAY IT!

TIGER.

NOW DO THE NOISE. AARRGH!

AH, COME HERE!

OH-HO!

GREAT! NOW THE IMAGE IS BACK!

OH, GOD! JOHNNY! THIS
ISN'T WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

IT'S JUST THAT... OH!
I WON THE LOTTERY!

BACK OFF THERE, PRINCESS.
HE ALREADY KNOWS ABOUT US.

WHAT?!

APPARENTLY HE WAS STARING.

THIS IS AWFUL!

WHEN PETE FINDS OUT
HOW I'VE BEEN SOILED,

HE'LL NEVER TOUCH ME.

OKAY, FOR THAT COMMENT YOU'RE
GONNA HAVE TO BUY ME SOMETHING.

OKAY, WHO ELSE HAVE YOU TOLD?

NO ONE!

GOD BLESS YOU, JOHNNY,

AND ALL THE CHILDREN LUCKY
ENOUGH TO BE BORN UNTO YOU.

BUT I HAVE TO TELL SHARON.

MAY YOU ROT IN HELL WITH
YOUR DEAD GRANDPARENTS!

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT
SHARON'S BEEN LIKE LATELY.

I MEAN, I CAN'T
TAKE THE PRESSURE.

I'M JUST A HANDYMAN.

I WASN'T TRAINED FOR THIS.

HE'S RIGHT, IRENE.

SHARON CAN BE A REAL
HAG WHEN SHE WANTS TO.

NOW, LISTEN, BUDDY.

YOU'VE BEEN GETTIN'
THE MILK FOR FREE,

BUT I CAN MAKE YOU LACTOSE
INTOLERANT PRETTY QUICK

IF WORD GETS OUT.

COME ON, JOHNNY!
HELP ME OUT HERE, MAN!

BABY NEEDS HIS BOTTLE!

HELLO! HEY!

SO, WHAT WERE THE THREE
OF YOU JUST TALKIN' ABOUT?

OH, NOTHING!

JOHNNY'S GRANDPARENTS...
THE PRICE OF MILK.

OH! OH!

I GUESS THIS IS ABOUT YOUR'S
AND BERG'S SECRET, HUH?

JOHNNY DOESN'T HAVE A SECRET.

JOHNNY CAN TALK FOR HIMSELF.

MAYBE HE SHOULDN'T.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD BUTT OUT!

I got $10 on the little one!

STOP IT!

SHARON, YES,

I HAVE A SECRET THAT I
PROMISED NOT TO TELL,

AND THAT'S THAT.

OKAY, FINE.

OKAY.

I CAN RESPECT THAT.

THANK YOU.

FROM NOW ON...
THERE'LL BE NO DINNER...

THERE'LL BE NO POKER NIGHT,

AND THE ONLY KIND OF
SEX YOU'LL BE HAVING

IS THE KIND WITHOUT ME.

AND THAT'S THAT!

YES!

JOHNNY, THAT WAS HEROIC.

YOU GAVE UP NOOKY SO
THAT OTHERS MIGHT GET SOME.

OH!

IN A WAY...

I THINK THIS IS
SORT OF MY FAULT.

"IN A WAY"?! BERG,
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

MORE THAN YOU KNOW.

I ALREADY TOLD
SHARON THE SECRET.

WHAT?! YEAH.

SHE WAS ACTUALLY JUST
BEING MEAN TO BREAK YOU,

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU HELD YOUR GROUND.

YOU... YOU ARE HEROIC.

WHY DID WE HAVE TO MEET HERE?

YOU'LL SEE.

NOMAR'S GONNA BE
ON THE 6:00 NEWS.

I CONVINCED HIM
TO STAY IN BOSTON.

HOW DID YOU MANAGE THAT?

I FOUND HIM AT THE BATTING...

ACTUALLY, MARTI FOUND
HIM AT THE BATTING CAGES.

TELL HER.

WELL, I WAS PRACTICING MY SWING

AND NOMAR CAME UP AND
WAS GIVING ME SOME TIPS...

YEAH, ANYWAY...

I STARTED OFF BY TELLING HIM YOU
HAVE TWO BASIC PERSONALITIES...

NASTY AND ASLEEP.

HE WAS ONBOARD INSTANTLY.

I'M VERY CONVINCING,
AREN'T I, MARTI?

ARE YOU EVER.

OH, I THOUGHT YOU
SAID IRRITATING.

OH, HERE IT IS!

IF YOU'LL TURN YOUR
ATTENTION TO THE TELEVISION

AND HEAR WHAT NOMAR HAS TO SAY,

AFTERWARDS I'LL BE
ACCEPTING YOUR APOLOGIES

IN THE FORM OF
YOUR LIPS ON MY BUTT.

BOO! BOO! BOO! BOO!

WELL, IT COULD BE WORSE.
THIS COULD BE A PIE SHOP.

WELL, THE NIGHTMARE
IS OVER, RED SOX FANS,

BUT LET'S LET THE
MAN TELL YOU HIMSELF.

THAT'S RIGHT, MIKE.
I'M NOT LEAVIN' BOSTON.

WHY THE SUDDEN TURNAROUND?

LET'S JUST SAY SOMEONE
SPECIAL WITH AN INCREDIBLE SMILE

CONVINCED ME TO STAY,

AND I'M REALLY LOOKIN' FORWARD
TO SEEIN' THAT SMILE A LOT.

WOW!

I MEAN, I KNEW HE LIKED ME,

BUT I HAD NO IDEA
HE NOTICED MY SMILE.

OH, HUNGRY, HONEY?
OOPS! NO DINNER!

I'VE CHANGED MY MIND. I'M
GOING TO TELL YOU MY SECRET.

OOH! TELL ME! TELL ME! TELL ME!

NOW I NEVER
WANTED TO LIE TO YOU.

I NEVER HAD VERY
MUCH IN MY LIFE,

BUT I'VE ALWAYS HAD MY WORD.

YEAH, YEAH.

I JUST... I WANT YOU TO KNOW
HOW MUCH I'M GIVING YOU.

JOHNNY, WE CAN'T HAVE
SECRETS BETWEEN US.

OUR MARRIAGE HAS TO BE
BASED ON ABSOLUTE HONESTY.

OH, I SEE THAT NOW.

ALL RIGHT. THE SECRET IS...

TWO OF OUR FRIENDS
LIVING IN THIS BUILDING

ARE SLEEPING TOGETHER.

THOSE TWO PEOPLE
ARE PETE AND ASHLEY!

OH, MY G...

PETE AND ASHLEY?
THAT'S NOT THE SECRET.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT I HEARD.

DID YOU HEAR
SOMETHING DIFFERENT?

NO, I JUST THOUGHT...
YOU THOUGHT WHAT?

NOTHIN'!

WOW!

YEAH, SHOCKING, ISN'T IT?

MAN, ONE MINUTE YOU
THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING,

AND THE NEXT MINUTE
YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHIN'!

AND I'M JUST GLAD

THAT WE CAN BE HONEST
WITH EACH OTHER, SWEETIE.

NOW, UH...

WAS THERE SOMETHING
YOU WANTED TO TELL ME?

Uh... no.

YOU'RE SURE?

MM-HMM.

OKAY, SO HERE'S
WHAT I WAS THINKING.

YOU MAKE DINNER,

AND THEN WE'LL HAVE A
LITTLE "SLAP AND TICKLE,"

AND THE BOYS WILL COME
OVER TO PLAY SOME CARDS,

AND THAT'S THAT.

Okay.

OKAY.

YOU BOTH SUCK! YOU BOTH SUCK!

SHE'S LYING!

NO, NO, NO! SHE'S LYING!

SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!