Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 4, Episode 2 - Meat - full transcript

COME IN!

HEY, YOU GOT MY DRILL?

YEAH. YEAH, YEAH.

OH, HEY, LOOK!

I GOT MY BADGE.

I'M OFFICIAL.

WHY DO THEY GIVE
FIREMEN BADGES ANYWAY?

DON'T THE YELLOW PANTS
AND THE GOOFY HAT SAY IT ALL?

HERE.

BERG MADE PANCAKES.

Berg: WHO'S TICKLISH?
WHO'S TICKLISH?



WHO IS TICKLISH?

BERG HAS A SEX BUDDY!
WHAT'S A SEX BUDDY?

I DON'T KNOW. I'VE
NEVER HAD ONE.

WE SHOULD GO. WE
GOTTA GO, WE GOTTA GO.

WHATCHA DOING WITH MR. GATOR?

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

YOU GOT A SEX BUDDY IN THERE?

Hey! Hey! Shhhh!

AND DON'T CALL HER
THAT. IT'S DEMEANING.

BUT YOU REALLY HAVE ONE.

DAMN STRAIGHT!

BERG, I'VE NEVER
SEEN A SEX BUDDY.

CAN I SEE WHAT ONE LOOKS LIKE?

HEY, SHE'S A HUMAN BEING, PETE.



IT'S NOT A WHALE WATCH.

SO, SHE'S BIG, HUH?

OKAY, OUT!

WHO WAS THAT? THAT
WAS PETE AND JOHNNY.

PETEY DUNVILLE, THE
SWEETIE FROM FUNVILLE?

RELAX, RELAX. HE
DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS YOU.

OH, GOOD.

OKAY, THE COAST IS CLEAR.

ARE YOU TRYING TO GET RID OF ME?

NO, NO. COME HERE.

OH.

OKAY. GO ON NOW.

W-WHAT WAS THAT?

I'M NOT ALLOWED TO GO
INTO THE BURNING BUILDING

BECAUSE I'M NOT A FIREFIGHTER?

REALLY.

FREEZE!

HERE. DO YOU WANT THESE?

WHY WOULD I WANT
YOUR STUPID FLOWERS?

NOMAR SENT THEM.

THESE ARE FROM NOMAR?

OH, MY GOD, THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL!

I SHOULD FIND A VASE.

THE NERVE OF THAT GUY!

I DUMP HIM AND HE THINKS HE
CAN MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER

BY SENDING ME FLOWERS.

DO YOU THINK HE PICKED
THESE FROM HIS GARDEN?

IT'S REALLY HARD FEELING
SORRY FOR YOURSELF

WHEN YOU'RE CONSTANTLY
BEING INTERRUPTED WITH GIFTS.

YOU SHOULD JUST ADMIT
YOU MADE A HUGE MISTAKE

AND TAKE NOMAR BACK
BEFORE HE REALIZES

HE'S TOO GOOD FOR YOU.

I'M NOT GETTING BACK
TOGETHER WITH HIM.

I'M JUST... I'M JUST GONNA
HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH THIS.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

BUT IN THAT CASE, YOU'RE
GONNA NEED A FRIEND.

THANKS, PETE. HEY, IT'S WEIRD.

I FELT A LITTLE AWKWARD
COMING DOWN HERE

'CAUSE I THINK THE
HARDEST THING FOR ME

IS NOT REALLY HAVING
ANYONE TO TALK TO.

I HOPE YOU LIKE SCOTCH.

UM... NOW LISTEN...

IT'S NOT VERY GOOD,
BUT THERE'S A LOT OF IT.

THANKS FOR NOTHING, PETE.

OH, YOU'RE WELCOME. AND
THANKS FOR THE FLOWERS!

OH... YEAH. THAT'S REAL NICE.

MATURE BEHAVIOR THERE, PETE.

SHE COMES DOWN HERE

LOOKING FOR JUST A
LITTLE BIT OF COMPASSION...

AND YOU TREAT HER LIKE DIRT.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

NO!

I WAS HIDING IN THE
BATHROOM TILL SHE LEFT.

I JUST WISH SHE'D HURRY UP
AND GET BACK WITH NOMAR.

HE'S ONLY THE GREATEST
GUY SHE'S EVER DATED.

IF NOMAR'S SO GREAT, MAYBE
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE SPLIT THEM UP.

I DIDN'T SPLIT THEM UP. I
TOLD A HARMLESS JOKE.

YES, A JOKE THAT
MADE NOMAR THINK

ASH AND I WERE STILL
SLEEPING TOGETHER.

I STILL THINK IT'S FUNNY.

COME ON. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

ONLY ROOM IN THE
HOUSE THAT DOESN'T LEAK.

OH, THANK GOD! ALL
THIS CRAP IS SPARED!

NEAR AS I CAN FIGURE, THIS
WAS A FORMAL SITTING ROOM

OR ELSE MORE OF A CASUAL,
LYIN'-DOWN-NAKED ROOM.

OOOH, WHAT GOT
YOU ALL RARIN' TO GO?

PETE AND BERG.

A HOUSE ISN'T A HOME
UNTIL WE CHRISTEN IT.

OH! DIRTY!

OKAY, NO PROBLEM.

THERE. ALL CLEAN. OH, SURE...

THE GUY ON TOP
ALWAYS THINKS IT'S CLEAN.

CLEAN THE ROOM AND
I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT.

IRENE, HEY!

HEY, IT'S BERG. YOU BUSY?

PETE'S AT THE FIRE
STATION. COME OVER.

GUESS WHAT.

I SWIPED A PATIENT'S
GOWN FROM THE HOSPITAL.

THE DOCTOR IS IN.

GRRRR.

BAD DOCTOR. OFF
THE FURNITURE! OFF!

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

HAVE YOU SEEN MY BADGE?

YES, PETE, WE'VE ALL
SEEN YOUR BADGE.

DUH! PETE! I... UH...

LOOK AT ME. FORGOT TO DRESS.

THAT'S WEIRD.

I MEAN, SHE DIDN'T
FLIRT WITH ME.

MAYBE SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND.

ABSOLUTELY NOT. WHY NOT?

I MEAN, SHE'S FRIENDLY...
A LITTLE TOO FRIENDLY...

BUT SOME GUYS LIKE THAT.

HEY, LOOK. I FOUND YOUR BADGE.

Go fight a fire!

I'M SERIOUS. I BET
SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND.

WHOEVER HE IS, I
HOPE HE'S NOT A JERK.

I'M SURE THAT
IRENE WILL BE FINE.

YOU KNOW, IRENE'S KINDA FRAGILE.

SHE'S NOT LIKE ONE
OF YOUR SEX BUDDIES,

YOU KNOW?

YOU CAN'T JUST TREAT
HER LIKE A PIECE OF MEAT.

HOW COME?

BERG, I BLEW HER OFF ONCE,

SHE SPENT SIX MONTHS IN A HOME.

IT WAS ONLY, LIKE, FOUR.

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS
HAVE TO KNOCK ME DOWN?

HEY, ASH, LISTEN...

I FEEL KINDA BAD
ABOUT YESTERDAY.

SO, I DON'T KNOW IF
YOU STILL WANTED TO,

WE COULD... TALK.

NOT FOR LONG.

LIKE TWO MINUTES MAX.

GO.

THANKS, PETE.

I REALIZE YOU'RE OFFERING ME
YOUR ENTIRE ATTENTION SPAN.

BUT I'M FINE... REALLY.

REALLY? MM-HMM.

REALLY? GREAT!

YOU GOT BACK
TOGETHER WITH NOMAR?

NO! I AM NOT GETTING
BACK TOGETHER WITH HIM.

IT'S OVER AND I AM FINE.

YOU CAN'T COVER UP
THE STINK OF DEPRESSION

BY TAKING A SHOWER

AND THROWING ON SOME
UNFLATTERING OUTFIT.

HEY, DR. HOTTIE.

HEY, GERM.

READY TO SHRED SOME RAILS?

MM-HMM.

YOU'RE GOING
SKATEBOARDING WITH GERM?

SKATEBOARDING?

HELLO! WELCOME TO FALL 2000.

I MEAN, IF YOU WANT
TO SKATEBOARD, MAN,

GET IN YOUR TIME MACHINE
AND TRAVEL BACK TO JUNE.

IF I HAD A TIME MACHINE,

I'D GO BACK AND TELL YOUR
PARENTS ABOUT BIRTH CONTROL.

ME TOO.

HEY, IRENE. UM, CAN WE TALK?

SURE, COME ON IN.

UM, ACTUALLY, I
DON'T WANT ANYONE

LET'S PRETEND LIKE
WE'RE GETTING THE MAIL.

LISTEN, I JUST WANT TO APOLOGIZE

IF I'VE DONE ANYTHING THAT
MADE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE.

OH, IT'S OKAY.

I STARTED STRETCHING
IN THE MORNINGS.

HEY, YOU GUYS. IS THE MAIL HERE?

NO. NO.

UM, I WAS JUST CHECKING
TO SEE IF THE MAIL HAD COME,

AND THEN IRENE CAME OUT

AND SHE ASKED ME
IF THE MAIL HAD COME,

AND I JUST LOOKED
AT HER AND I SAID, "NO."

OKAY? OKAY.

WHATEVER? WHATEVER.

I'LL SEE YOU GUYS
LATER. ALL RIGHT!

I THOUGHT YOU WERE
THE MAILMAN. NO MAIL.

OKAY, RIGHT THERE.

I WAS LYING TO SHARON
FOR BOTH OUR SAKES,

NOT JUST MINE.

IS THERE SOMETHING ON YOUR MIND?

YEAH. LOOK, UM, IRENE...

SOMETIMES WHEN TWO
PEOPLE GET INVOLVED,

sexually...

EMOTIONS CAN GET TANGLED,

FEELINGS CAN GET CONFUSED,
AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT...

I SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING.

YOU DO?

YEAH. BERG... DON'T
YOU GET HOOKED ON ME!

WHAT?

I UNDERSTAND. HA!

NO, NO, NO.

I HAVE NO PROBLEM
WITH ANY OF THIS.

IRENE, I JUST DON'T
WANT YOU TO FEEL LIKE

I'M TREATING YOU
LIKE A PIECE OF MEAT.

WHY WOULD I?

I MEAN, YOU'RE THE MEAT.

NO, I'M NOT.

YEAH.

100% PRIME ANGUS. OOH...

A LITTLE JUNK IN THE TRUNK.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO START
MAKING YOU DO SOME OF THE WORK.

ALL SET.

IT LOOKS GREAT!

LET THE COUNTDOWN
TO CHRISTENING BEGIN.

10... 9... 8, 7...
6... 5, 4... 3...

2... WAIT!

OH, LET'S MAKE A FIRE.
IT'LL BE SO ROMANTIC!

OH, WE CAN'T.

I THINK THERE'S A FAMILY
OF RACCOONS LIVING THERE.

RACCOONS?

YEAH, I LOOKED UP THERE
AND SOMETHING LOOKED BACK.

IT'S EITHER A RACCOON

OR A VERY TINY,
OLD-FASHIONED CRIMINAL.

OH, J-J-JOHNNY...

WE CAN'T MAKE LOVE WITH
ANIMALS IN THE CHIMNEY.

SURE WE CAN.

NO, NO, NO.

THERE'S NO WAY I'M
EXPOSING MY NAKED BUTT

TO A BUNCH OF RACCOONS.

WE DON'T HAVE TO DO IT THAT
WAY. WE CAN JUST DO IT REGULAR.

JOHNNY... I'LL CLOSE THE FLUE.

JUST GET RID OF THE CRITTERS
AND WE'LL CHRISTEN TOMORROW.

ALL RIGHT, BUT THIS BETTER
NOT BE YOUR IDEA OF MARRIAGE.

I'M NOT GOING TO DO A CHORE
EVERY TIME WE HAVE SEX.

YOU THINK WE'RE GONNA HAVE SEX

EVERY TIME YOU DO A CHORE?

OH, HEY, IRENE.

HEY, BERG.

LOOK WHAT I BOUGHT.

COOL. TONIGHT
I'LL BE THE DOCTOR,

AND YOU'LL BE THE
VEGAS SHOWGIRL.

THEY'RE FOR YOU, SILLY.

I'm the showgirl.

GO AHEAD, PUT 'EM ON.

I... FOR ME?

OOH, UM...

I HAVE TO GO TO THE
HOSPITAL, THOUGH.

SO? DOESN'T MEAN
YOU CAN'T FEEL PRETTY.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

SOME DELINQUENTS ON SCOOTERS

TRIED TO GRAB ONTO
A MOVING FIRETRUCK.

WELL, IT'S A GOOD THING

THAT FIREBOY PETE
WAS ON THE LOOKOUT,

OR WE COULD'VE HAD FUN.

ASHLEY, DON'T YOU SEE YOU'RE
JUST BEING SELF-DESTRUCTIVE?

WILL YOU MAKE UP WITH NOMAR
BEFORE YOU KILL YOURSELF?

NO, I'M FINE.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.
BERG, TALK TO HER.

ASHLEY, DO YOU NEED HELP?

NO, I'M FINE!

WHY DOES EVERYONE
KEEP ASKING ME THAT?!

JUST BECAUSE I WANTED TO HAVE

A LITTLE HEART-TO-HEART
WITH PETE

AND I WANTED TO GO
SKATEBOARDING WITH GERM...

IT WAS A SCOOTER.
OH, JUST SHUT UP!

I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP! I
DON'T NEED ANYONE'S HELP!

I'M FINE! I AM PERFECTLY FINE!

BERG, WHAT AM I GOING TO
DO? SHE WON'T LISTEN TO ME.

HEY, LOOK, PETE...

PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE
UNLESS THEY WANT TO.

THERE'S NOTHING ANY
ONE PERSON CAN SAY.

YOU'RE RIGHT. HEY, UM...

MEET ME TONIGHT AT
JOHNNY AND SHARON'S HOUSE.

WHY? THEY'RE HAVING A PARTY.

I SAW SHARON TODAY.
SHE DIDN'T MENTION IT.

UH, IT'S SORT OF A, UH,
SURPRISE HOUSEWARMING.

OH, OKAY.

AND MAKE SURE ASHLEY COMES.

UM, HEY. I DON'T
HAVE THE ADDRESS.

MEET ME OUTSIDE THE PARTY
AND I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU THERE.

THANK YOU, SWEETIE.

I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW
MUCH I APPRECIATE

ALL THE HARD WORK YOU'VE DONE.

SO I GUESS I'M JUST
GONNA HAVE TO SHOW YA!

COME ON!

WAS THAT YOU?

IT WAS THE DOORBELL.

JUST DEAL WITH IT
BEFORE I LOSE THE MOOD.

COME ON! HUSTLE UP, BIG BOY!

HEY, JOHNNY. HOW'S IT GOING?

I'M BUSY. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

UH, I'M HERE FOR THE
HOUSEWARMING PARTY.

I WOULD HAVE BROUGHT YOU A GIFT,

BUT I WANTED TO SEE
WHAT YOU NEEDED.

SO, I GUESS THE PERFECT GIFT
WOULD HAVE BEEN A NEW HOUSE.

HEY, ASH. WHAT'S GOING ON?

DID YOU INVITE ASHLEY FOR
A HOUSEWARMING PARTY?

OH, YES.

I WANTED TO SHOW THE MOST
SARCASTIC PERSON I KNOW

THE MOST EMBARRASSING
PART OF MY LIFE.

I-I'M SORRY. DID I
INTERRUPT SOMETHING?

OH, NO. NOT AT ALL.

HONEY, THAT'S NOT ENTIRELY TRUE.

HEY, JOHNNY...

HAPPY HOUSEWARMING.

HERE'S YOUR GIFT.

IT'S KINDA LAST MINUTE.

SO, CAN I HAVE A TOUR?

OH, SURE, SURE, SURE.

I COULD SHOW YOU THE UPSTAIRS,

BUT THERE ARE NO LIGHTS,
AND HOLES IN THE FLOOR.

OKAY, WELL, HOW
ABOUT THE DOWNSTAIRS?

UH, I COULD, BUT THERE ARE LIGHS

AND YOU'D SEE
WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

OH! I COULD SHOW
YOU THE CLEAN ROOM.

COME ON.

OKAY, IN HERE,

I THINK WE'RE PROBABLY
GONNA GO WITH ONE COLOR.

WOW!

WHAT A DUMP!

HEY, HUNKY HOMEOWNER.

I MADE YOU A GINGERBREAD
VERSION OF YOUR HOUSE.

I DIDN'T HAVE MUCH TIME,
SO IT'S NOT TO SCALE.

NO, NO, IT'S PERFECT.

NO VISITORS.

HEY, IRENE, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU
WERE COMING HERE TONIGHT.

LISTEN, I'M SORRY THAT I
DIDN'T PHONE YOU EARLIER

ABOUT COMING OVER.

UH, THAT'S PROBABLY PRETTY RUDE.

OH, THAT'S OKAY. NO BIG DEAL.

Okay.

WHAT?

UM, IT IS A BIG DEAL.

NO, IT'S NOT.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CARE.

I DON'T.

AGAIN... okay.

LOOK, UM, THIS ISN'T
WORKING FOR ME.

WHAT?

I CAN'T BE INTIMATE
WITH SOMEBODY

WHO'S NOT EMOTIONALLY
INVOLVED WITH ME.

I'M USED TO BEING WORSHIPPED.

I THOUGHT WE WERE
HAVING FUN. WE WERE.

I REALLY ENJOYED HAVING
CASUAL SEX WITH YOU

UNTIL I FOUND OUT YOU WERE
HAVING CASUAL SEX WITH ME!

I THINK WE SHOULD STOP.
I NEED TO FEEL SPECIAL.

OKAY, BUT, HEY,
YOU SHOULD KNOW...

YOU'RE THE FIRST
PERSON I'VE SLEPT WITH

I DIDN'T HAVE FEELINGS FOR.

NOW, DOESN'T THAT
MAKE YOU FEEL SPECIAL?

MAYBE.

YOU KNOW, IT DEPENDS ON WHY.

BECAUSE YOU'RE THAT GOOD.

REALLY?

YOU KNOW I'M SELF-TAUGHT.

GOSH... IT REALLY
MAKES YOU WONDER

WHAT IT TAKES TO
CONDEMN A PLACE.

Pete: HELLO!

WHOA! THIS LOOKS LIKE THE HOUSE

WHERE WE PRACTICE
PUTTING OUT FIRES.

WAS THE IDEA FOR THIS PARTY

FOR EVERYONE TO MAKE
FUN OF MY NEW HOUSE?

THIS ISN'T A PARTY.
IT'S AN INTERVENTION.

OH, THEN I'M TAKING
MY GIFT BACK.

LOOK, GUYS, I THINK IT'S OBVIOUS
THAT ONE OF US IS IN TROUBLE,

AND I THINK IT'S OUR DUTY
AS FRIENDS TO HELP THEM.

COME ON! GIVE ME
A BREAK, YOU GUYS!

I'VE BEEN UNDER A LOT OF STRESS!

I'VE GOT A WIFE, I'VE
GOT A MORTGAGE,

SO I HAVE A COUPLE OF
BEERS EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE!

IT'S NOT YOU, JOHNNY.

A WIFE?

I-I LOVE YOU, HONEY.

NO, YOU GUYS, I-IT'S ASHLEY.

HERE WE GO AGAIN.

NO, NO, LISTEN TO ME.
SIT DOWN. HEAR ME OUT.

YOU HAVE TO ADMIT THAT
YOU'VE BEEN ACTING STRANGELY

BECAUSE YOU WANT TO GET
BACK TOGETHER WITH NOMAR.

WHY WOULD I WANT THAT?

BECAUSE HE WAS SPECIAL,

AND THAT MADE YOU SPECIAL.

THINK ABOUT IT... ONE
SECOND, YOU'RE INVISIBLE.

THE NEXT SECOND, YOU'RE
STANDING NEXT TO NOMAR

AND EVERYBODY WANTS
TO BE YOUR FRIEND.

YOU'D GO INTO A RESTAURANT,
YOU DROP HIS NAME,

AND YOU'D GET A BETTER TABLE.

AND DO YOU THINK IT WAS A
COINCIDENCE THAT MY PARENTS...

WHO ARE LIFELONG RED SOX FANS...

SUDDENLY STARTED
CALLING ME MORE?

YOU MISS HIM, PETE, DON'T YOU?

SO MUCH!

I HAD THE GREATEST
GUY IN BOSTON,

AND I DROVE HIM AWAY!

WHY?!

THERE, THERE, NOW, PETE.

YOU'RE GONNA GET OVER THIS.

I WON'T! I WON'T,
I WON'T, I WON'T!

HEY. HEY, PETER.

IF IT MAKES YOU
FEEL ANY BETTER...

SOMETIMES I MISS HIM, TOO.

OH, GET OVER YOURSELF!

UM, YOU KNOW, ASHLEY,

IF YOU'RE SO DEPRESSED
BECAUSE YOU MISS NOMAR,

WHY DON'T YOU JUST CALL HIM UP?

JUST BECAUSE YOU MISS SOMEONE

DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD
GET BACK TOGETHER WITH THEM.

AND I... I REALLY
THOUGHT THAT MY FRIENDS

WOULD HELP ME
THROUGH THIS ROUGH TIME.

OH, HONEY... YOU SHOULD
CALL YOUR FRIENDS.

YOU... YOU ARE MY FRIENDS.

OH, OUR PHONE
ISN'T HOOKED UP YET.

YEAH, BUT FEEL FREE TO STOP
BY ANYTIME YOU NEED TO TALK.

ABSOLUTELY. JUST MAKE
SURE YOU CALL FIRST.

YEAH, BUT YOU DON'T
HAVE A PHONE YET.

OKAY, BYE. BYE!

OH! WHAT A NIGHT! I'M EXHAUSTED!

FIGURES.

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

IT MEANS EITHER YOU
HAVE A HEADACHE,

OR THERE'S A DOORBELL, OR
RACCOONS IN THE CHIMNEY.

ANYTHING TO STOP FROM
CHRISTENING THE HOUSE WITH ME.

OH, BABY, IS THAT
WHAT YOU THINK?

I LOVE BEING WITH
YOU. I LOVE YOU.

THEN WHY CAN'T WE CHRISTEN?

BECAUSE...

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE SPECIAL.
YOU ONLY GET TO DO IT ONCE.

IT SHOULD BE SOMETHING THAT
WE BOTH REMEMBER FOREVER.

YOU KNOW, LIKE OUR FIRST KISS.

WELL, THIS HOUSE IS AT LEAST AS
NICE AS YOUR PARENTS' GARAGE.

THEN LET'S CHRISTEN.

OKAY!

I HAVE TO GET MY CHAMPAGNE.

Berg: I'VE BEEN A
VERY BAD SHOWGIRL!

WE HAVE TO GO BACK
TO THE APARTMENT.

WHY? I THOUGHT WE
WERE GONNA CHRISTEN?

FOR GOD'S SAKE, SHARON, IS
THAT ALL YOU THINK ABOUT?

HELLO?

SORRY I'M LATE.

AN ADDRESS WOULD'VE HELPED.

OH, MAN.

LOOKS LIKE I MISSED A GOOD ONE.