Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 4, Episode 1 - The Bear - full transcript
After Sharon and Johnny's wedding, Berg and Irene end up in bed together. However, they do not want anybody to know and go to extraordinary lengths to keep it secret. Pete and Marti also make plans for a date but, when Pete arrives, he is severely injured when he finds a baby bear there. Sharon and Johnny's marriage is going along as expected, she is a spendthrift and he is frugal. This causes their honeymoon to be curtailed. However, he redeems himself because it turns out that he has bought a run-down home to be Sharon's 'castle'.
IRENE, WE CAN'T DO
THIS. NO... THIS IS WRONG.
I KNOW.
THIS IS WRONG.
I KNOW.
YEAH, THIS IS WRONG.
I KNOW. HUH!
THAT'S THE STUFF.
MORNING.
MORNING.
SO, YOU WANT BREAKFAST?
NO, THANKS.
WANNA GET THE
HELL OUT OF MY BED?
YES, PLEASE!
GOD, THIS WAS SO WRONG!
VERY WRONG, IRENE...
VERY, VERY WRONG!
SEE, MY HEART STILL
BELONGS TO PETE.
I JUST GOT CAUGHT UP IN
THE ROMANCE AND MUSIC.
THIS IS WHY I NEVER
GO TO WEDDINGS...
THEY'RE CIRCUSES!
PROMISE ME YOU'LL
NEVER TELL ANOTHER SOUL!
WELL...
I'M MORE EMBARRASSED
ABOUT THIS THAN YOU ARE.
OH, BECAUSE OF PETE?
SURE, WHY NOT?
LISTEN, I PROMISE YOU,
WHAT HAPPENED HERE LAST NIGHT...
SEVERAL TIMES...
WILL NEVER EVER LEAVE THIS ROOM.
GOOD.
THIS IS THE STUPIDEST
THING I'VE EVER DONE!
UGH!
SO THAT'S WHAT SHE
MEANT BY "RIDE THE TIGER."
TIME, DUNVILLE... 5:38.
THAT'S THE BEST TIME TODAY.
WHAT'S THAT... BEST TIME?
I DON'T THINK THE PEOPLE
WITH SLOWER TIMES COULD HEAR.
ALL RIGHT... DINNER.
THEN BACK TO THE BARRACKS.
THAT WAS AMAZING!
I AM IN A ZONE. EVERYTHING
IS COMING TOGETHER!
I FEEL SO ALIVE... SO VIRILE.
OW... BUCKLE.
HEY, UM...
WHY DON'T YOU MEET ME
TONIGHT IN THE SUPPLY SHACK?
THAT'S AGAINST THE RULES.
WHAT IF WE GET CAUGHT?
I PROMISE I'LL BE QUICK.
OKAY, LET'S NOT WIN EVERY RACE.
LISTEN, I REALLY WANT TO,
BUT I'VE GOTTA TRAIN TONIGHT.
MY TIME ON THE DRILLS
HAVE BEEN TERRIBLE.
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT MINE?
YES.
I HAVE TO ADMIT,
I DO LIKE HAVING
A HOTSHOT FIREMAN
FOR A BOYFRIEND...
ALL SEXY, COVERED IN SOOT.
MEET ME TONIGHT, AND I
PROMISE NOT TO SHOWER.
BUT YOU SHOWER, OKAY?
I'LL SEE YOU AT MIDNIGHT.
GRRRR.
GAR-AR-AR.
I CAN'T DO THAT.
I'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO DO THAT.
IF I THOUGHT THE HONEYMOON
WOULD BE LIKE THIS,
I WOULD HAVE TRAINED.
YEAH.
I'M GLAD WE WAITED
TILL WE WERE MARRIED.
HA HA HA HA HA HA!
HA HA HA HA HA HA!
MMM... MMM, MMM, MMM.
OHHH! TIME TO REFUEL.
I'LL GRAB SOME SNACKS.
WHOO!
WHOA, WHOA... HONEY, HONEY...
THOSE ARE $5 A BOTTLE.
THERE'S A FAUCET
AND A PLASTIC CUP
IN THE BATHROOM.
WHY DON'T I JUST LAP
UP THE TOILET WATER?
I'M JUST SAYING WE
COULD USE THE MONEY
FOR MORE IMPORTANT THINGS.
JOHNNY... THIS IS OUR HONEYMOON.
WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN THAT?
YEAH, OKAY... WHAT THE HECK?
OH, ALL RIGHT! THEY HAVE
THE CHOCOLATES YOU LIKE.
OH... NO, NOTHING FOR
ME. I'M STUFFED WITH LOVE.
OOH, OOH, OOH... CASHEWS!
HA HA! MMM!
SWEETIE, YOU DON'T
EVEN LIKE CASHEWS!
WANT SOME WATER?
OKAY, THAT'S IT.
WHERE YOU GOING?
TO THE STORE BEFORE THEY
CHARGE US FOR THAT STUFF.
BABY, BABY, BABY...
YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE
ME HERE ALL ALONE...
WEARING THIS WHILE YOU
RUN OUT TO SOME MINIMART
TO SAVE A FEW BUCKS?
MMM.
ARE YOU CRAZY?
NOT AT THEIR PRICES.
Marti!
Marti?
GAR-AR-AR.
WELL... Come here, baby.
YOU'RE NOT MARTI.
YOU'RE A BEAR.
YOU'RE A LITTLE BABY BEAR.
HEY, HOW CUTE ARE YOU, HUH?
HEY... WHAT YA EATIN'
THERE, LITTLE FELLA?
AAAAAAH!
GET IT OFF MY FACE!
GET IT OFF MY FACE!!
SO... YOU TRIED TO
TAKE FOOD FROM A BEAR.
I CAN'T BELIEVE MARTI
HASN'T EVEN CALLED.
PERHAPS SHE WAS
JUMPED BY A CHIPMUNK.
THAT'S MARTI.
WAIT A SECOND, WAIT A SECOND.
YOU READY?
I'M READY... WAIT, WAIT.
OHHHHH... BERG...
OHHHH... IT'S YOU.
GOD, PETE, WHAT HAPPENED?
ALL RIGHT, IRENE, LOOK...
STAY CALM. DON'T MAKE A SCENE.
I WAS MAULED BY A WILD ANIMAL...
BERG, CAN I TALK
TO YOU? SURE THING.
SHUT THE DOOR. OH,
MY GOD, OH, MY GOD!
YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS.
THERE WAS A PHOTOGRAPHER
AT THE WEDDING...
I ALSO SAW ONE AT THE MALL.
THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND!
NO, YOU IDIOT!
THERE MAY BE
PICTURES OUT THERE...
YOU KNOW, OF US... NECKING!
OH, MY GOD!
GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF!
OH, GOD... OKAY!
ALL EVIDENCE OF
OUR MISGUIDED TRYST
MUST BE DESTROYED!
YOU'RE NOT GONNA
KILL ME, ARE YOU, IRENE?
DON'T BE SILLY.
WOULD I TELL YOU IF I WAS?
COME ON.
HEY, ASH, HOW YOU... DOING?
NOT SO FAST, BEANPOLE.
I TAKE IT THINGS DIDN'T GO
SO WELL WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND.
YOU TELL PETE WHEN HE
GETS BACK FROM BOOT CAMP
HE BETTER BE PREPARED TO FIGHT.
Pete: BERG!
WOULD YOU HELP ME
CHANGE MY BANDAGES?
I'M OOZING.
HE'S HOME.
HE GOT MAULED BY A
BEAR. DOOR'S UNLOCKED.
OH.
OH, WOW, PETE... GOD,
YOU REALLY ARE HURT.
ARE YOU OKAY?
I'M OOZING.
OH, GOD.
YOU'RE SO BRAVE.
LET ME TAKE A LOOK
AT THOSE BANDAGES.
OH, THEY NEED TO BE CHANGED.
IT'S NICE TO KNOW
THAT SOMEBODY AROUND
HERE CARES ABOUT ME.
OW, OW... OW, OW!
WAIT, WAIT... STOP.
SHOULDN'T YOU BE
DOING THAT QUICKLY?
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I HAVE TO ACTIVATE
THE PAIN RECEPTORS
TO HELP WITH THE
HEALING PROCESS.
OW, OW, OW, OW,
OW! WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHEN I WAS LITTLE,
AND MY MOM USED TO
TAKE OFF MY BAND-AIDS,
SHE USED TO SING
ME A LITTLE SONG.
AWWWW.
OW!!
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE
JUST CHAT INSTEAD?
OKAY... OW, OW, OW, OW!
NIPPLE... NIPPLE... WAIT!
REMEMBER HOW YOU
JOKINGLY TOLD NOMAR
THAT I WAS HAVING
AN AFFAIR WITH BERG?
THAT NOMAR...
HE'S GOT A GREAT SENSE
OF HUMOR, DOESN'T HE?
NO, HE DOESN'T.
OW!!
HE DOESN'T TRUST ME ANYMORE,
AND YOU CAN'T HAVE A
RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT TRUST,
SO WE BROKE UP ALL
BECAUSE OF... YOU!
AAAAH!
LET'S GO FOR A
WALK, LITTLE DOGGIE.
AAAH... AAH... OW! WHERE
ARE YOU TAKING ME?
I THINK... THAT
THESE WOUNDS... OW!
NEED A LITTLE SPLASH
OF RUBBING ALCOHOL.
MOMMY!!
WOULD YOU KEEP LOOKING?
WE HAVE TO FIND THESE.
I'M JUST NOT USED TO
SEEING MYSELF IN A SUIT.
I'M DELICIOUS.
YOU DO GOOD WORK.
YOU SHOULD SEE MY PORNOGRAPHY.
IT'S NOT THE ARTY STUFF...
JUST GOOD, OLD-FASHIONED NASTY.
WHOA... NOT IN FRONT
OF THE LADY, OKAY?
I'll just take your card.
I HAVE BEEN THROUGH
EVERY PROOF SHEET,
AND I CANNOT FIND
THE ONES OF US!
WAIT A MINUTE...
WEREN'T YOU THE ONE
WEARING HER AS A NECKLACE?
I LIKE TO ACCESSORIZE.
THOSE PICTURES MADE
MY... PRIVATE COLLECTION.
WHAT?
THERE WE GO.
THIS IS A DOG LICKING HIMSELF.
WHAT'S THE MATTER...
YOU DON'T LIKE DOGS?
YEAH, YEAH... HERE'S THE ONE.
OKAY... THIS IS IT.
HERE'S THE MONEY.
THE NEGATIVES ARE INSIDE.
GREAT... NO ONE CAN EVER
SEE THESE PICTURES AGAIN.
WELL, YOU MIGHT WANNA CHECK
WITH THE BRIDE AND GROOM.
I LEFT A COPY OF THE PROOFS
WITH THEM THIS MORNING.
THEY'RE ON THEIR HONEYMOON.
YEAH, I KNOW. I PICKED THE LOCK.
I HAD SOME BREAKFAST.
GOD, COME ON, LET'S GO.
THANK YOU, SIR.
I'VE NEVER MET A
PORNOGRAPHER BEFORE.
YOU'RE NOT AT ALL
WHAT I EXPECTED.
OH, THANKS. HEY, UH...
IF YOU PULL YOUR PANTS
DOWN, I'LL TAKE YOUR PICTURE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!
I'VE HAD MEANINGLESS SEX,
FRATERNIZED WITH PORNOGRAPHERS,
AND NOW I'M BREAKING
AND ENTERING!
NOW, WHEN YOU SAY "MEANINGLESS,"
YOU STILL MEAN IT
WAS GOOD, RIGHT?
OH, MY GOD!
I'M OKAY.
I'M OKAY. I GOT IT. I GOT IT.
OOF.
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!
OH, GOOD, YOU'RE HOME!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU
SCARED US HALF TO DEATH!
YOU'RE SCARED?
FEEL MY HEART.
WHY ARE YOU BACK
FROM YOUR HONEYMOON?
WE CAME HOME EARLY,
WE WERE FIGHTING, AND...
NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
IRENE, SWEETIE,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M JUST... LOOKING
THROUGH THE MAIL.
OH... NOTHING FOR ME.
YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS? MY
MAIL DOESN'T COME HERE.
OH, LOOK... HERE'S
ONE FOR YOU, BERG.
RIGHTO! WELL, WE'RE OFF.
THAT'S NOT YOURS!
THOSE ARE THE PROOFS
TO OUR WEDDING PICTURES.
HOW COULD YOU THROW OUR
WEDDING PICTURES IN THE TRASH?
JOHNNY, I'M A DRAMA QUEEN!
OOPS... ME TOO!
OOH, LOOK AT THAT... HOT STUFF!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT...
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?
BERG, ENOUGH ALREADY.
IT'S TIME TO TELL
THEM THE TRUTH.
FINE... FINE, FINE.
THE TRUTH IS... IRENE'S NUTS.
SHE'S ONE TANGLED
PIECE OF STRING.
OKAY, STOP IT, BERG.
THE TRUTH IS...
CAMERAS ARE
INSTRUMENTS OF THE DEVIL.
EACH SNAPSHOT STEALS
A TEENSY-EENSY BIT OF OUR SOULS,
SO, IN ESSENCE,
I'VE SAVED ALL OF US
FROM ETERNAL DAMNATION.
TAKE THAT, OH,
DEMON OF DARKNESS!
HA HA!
GLAD YOU GUYS ARE BACK.
I'M JUST GONNA...
WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
THEY BREAK IN HERE,
BABBLE DEVIL TALK,
AND THEN...
OH, GOD, THEY RUINED
OUR WEDDING PHOTOS.
OH... OH... WHOA...
NOW YOU'RE TALKING TO M?
24 HOURS ON THE
ROAD... NOT A WORD!
THERE WERE TWO WORDS,
BUT YOU WERE PUMPING GAS.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M NOT THE ONE WHO
STARTED THIS FIGHT, OKAY?
I'M NOT THE ONE WHO
WAS EATING CASHEWS
OUT OF THE MINIBAR!
WHY NOT JUST EAT QUARTERS?
IS MONEY ALL THAT
YOU CARE ABOUT?
I SUPPOSE ALL YOU REMEMBER
ABOUT OUR HONEYMOON
IS THAT I BOUGHT AN
OVERPRICED CHOCOLATE BAR!
SO YOU ADMIT THEY'RE OVERPRICED!
JOHNNY, STOP!
IT WAS OUR WEDDING NIGHT.
YOU MADE ME FEEL WORTHLESS.
IS THIS THE WAY IT'S
ALWAYS GONNA BE?
NO.
SHARON, I NEVER WANT
YOU TO FEEL LIKE THAT.
I J...
I'M JUST... A LITTLE
STRAPPED FOR CASH.
THE TRUTH IS...
I SPENT A LOT OF MONEY
ON YOUR WEDDING PRESENT.
I'LL SHOW YOU.
HERE.
JOHNNY...
I ALREADY HAVE THIS
EXACT SAME COAT.
HEY!
WELL, LOOK WHO FINALLY SHOWED UP
TO NURSE HER MAN...
MY DEVOTED GIRLFRIEND!
OH, COME ON.
I CAME DOWN AS SOON AS I COULD.
HERE YOU GO.
SO HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
HOW DO I FEEL?
WELL, HERE'S A HINT...
I WAS JUST SAVAGELY
MAULED BY A HUGE BEAR.
OH, COME ON. IT WASN'T THAT BIG.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HIM.
I CAUGHT HIM.
LISTEN... COME ON.
THE IMPORTANT THING IS
THAT YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY.
NO, NO...
THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT
WE'RE THERE FOR EACH OTHER
WHEN A CRISIS OCCURS.
YOU GOT A COUPLE SCRATCHES.
DON'T BE SUCH A BABY.
OH, I'M... I'M... YOU ARE J...
YOU'RE THE BAB!
PETE, I KNEW YOU WERE OKAY.
IF YOU WEREN'T, THE
GUYS AT THE CAMP
WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN
MAKING JOKES ABOUT IT.
WHAT KIND OF JOKES?
I DON'T REMEMBER.
WHAT KIND OF JOKES?
I-I DON'T KNOW... DUMB JOKES...
LIKE, "WHAT'S FASTER
THAN A BABY BEAR?"
WHAT?
"NOT PETE."
THAT'S A JOKE?
WELL, IT WAS FUNNY
OVER THE LOUDSPEAKER!
SO THIS IS WHY YOU HAVEN'T
CALLED OR VISITED ME...
BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO BUSY
YUKKING IT UP AT MY EXPENSE?
NO, I HAVEN'T CALLED BECAUSE
I'VE BEEN WORKING MY BUTT OFF
TRYING TO FULFILL
MY LIFE'S DREAM!
AND IT'S NOT GOING VERY WELL!
BUT YOU'RE TOO BUSY TO NOTICE
BECAUSE YOU'RE MR. HOTSHOT!
WHAT?!
I-I'M SORRY. DID I
COME AT A BAD TIME?
NO! YES!
WHERE ARE YOU
GOING? BACK TO CAMP.
MARTI... WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?
WELL, I...
I CAME DOWN TO
CHANGE YOUR BANDAGES.
WHY, DO THEY NEED THEM?
NO, BUT I NEEDED
SOME CHEERING UP.
I DON'T GET IT...
I DON'T GET IT.
IS IT WRONG TO
EXPECT MY GIRLFRIEND
TO BE HERE FOR ME
WHEN I NEED HER?
NO, PETE, IT'S NOT WRONG.
OKAY, I'D JUST AS SOON
YOU DIDN'T MOCK ME, ASHLEY.
NO, PETE, I'M NOT.
LOOK, WE PUT A LOT OF
FAITH IN THE PEOPLE WE LOVE,
AND SOMETIMES THEY LET US DOWN.
AND MAYBE IT'S A ONE-TIME THING,
OR MAYBE THAT'S
WHO THEY REALLY ARE.
I GUESS WHAT WE HAVE TO DECIDE
IS DO WE WANNA STICK
AROUND TO FIND OUT?
YEAH.
THANKS, ASHLEY.
IT'S A SHAME YOUR OPINION
HOLDS NO VALUE TO ME.
THERE... KEEP
YOUR EYES CLOSED...
EW... EW! WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
IT'S OUR FUTURE, BABY.
OKAY, OPEN 'EM.
OKAY.
I SPENT OUR LIFE
SAVINGS ON THIS HOUSE.
OH, STOP!
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME CRY.
ARE YOU CRYING
BECAUSE YOU'RE AN IDIOT?
BECAUSE THAT'S WHY I'M CRYING.
THE PLACE IS
JUST... IT'S A MESS!
THE STAIRS ARE A DEATHTRAP,
AND THE WALLS ARE...
ARE DEFINITELY NOT UP TO CODE!
I KNOW IT LOOKS A
LITTLE WORN NOW,
BUT LOOK... IT USED
TO BE A PALACE.
THIS IS OUR HOUSE 200 YEARS AGO.
WELL, AT LEAST THEN
PEOPLE PEED OUTSIDE.
I CAN MAKE IT LOOK
LIKE THIS AGAIN.
I HAVE A SCHEDULE. I'LL
BE DONE BY CHRISTMAS.
THIS CHRISTMAS?
ABSOLUTELY... OR NEXT.
I SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT
BEFORE YOU BOUGHT IT.
YOU DID!
DO YOU REMEMBER OUR SECOND DATE?
WE WERE DRIVING PAST AN
OLD VICTORIAN ROW HOUSE,
AND YOU SAID HOW
GREAT IT WOULD BE
IF SOMEBODY BOUGHT
IT AND FIXED IT UP?
THIS IS IT?
NO, NO, NO.
SOMEBODY BOUGHT
THAT AND FIXED IT UP.
AND WE CAN DO THE SAME.
HMM?
PRINCESSES DON'T
LIVE IN BASEMENTS.
THEY LIVE IN CASTLES.
AND, SWEETIE, I'LL
MAKE THIS YOUR CASTLE...
I PROMISE.
OHHH... GOD, JOHNNY...
YOU'RE JUST A SWEET,
ROMANTIC IDIOT.
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU.
OHHH.
JOHNNY, BABY... MM-HMM?
THERE'S A RAT EATING A
DEAD PIGEON IN OUR CASTLE.
YEAH, IN OUR CASTLE.
HEY.
HI.
DOING LAUNDRY.
READING THE PAPER.
OKAY, THEN.
WOW... YESTERDAY.
IT WAS QUITE A DAY, HUH?
YEAH.
YEAH.
BUT STILL, YOU KNOW,
IT WAS... IT WAS FUN.
IT WAS ODD, BUT FUN.
WELL, THAT'S ME.
HA HA!
HEY, YOU KNOW, I THINK THAT
SHARON ACTUALLY BOUGHT
THAT WHOLE DEVIL-CAMERA THING.
YEAH, DEFINITELY.
HEY, IRENE, THAT WAS
JUST A THING, RIGHT?
OF COURSE.
YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST
FOLLOWING YOUR LEAD...
ALL THAT STUFF
ABOUT ME BEING NUTS.
HA HA HA HA HA HA!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
I WASN'T SURE YOU'D
QUITE PICK UP ON THAT.
YEAH, WELL, IT
WAS WELL WORTH IT.
IT'S NOT EVERY DAY THAT TWO
PEOPLE GET A CHANCE TO ERASE
THE BIGGEST MISTAKE
OF THEIR LIVES.
YEAH, DEFINITELY... DEFINITELY.
WE GOT OFF LUCKY,
DIDN'T WE, THERE, TIGER?
THIS IS SO WRONG.
I THINK THE TIGER WINKED AT ME.
SHOOT... SHE ATE
THE KIT KATS, TOO?
THIS. NO... THIS IS WRONG.
I KNOW.
THIS IS WRONG.
I KNOW.
YEAH, THIS IS WRONG.
I KNOW. HUH!
THAT'S THE STUFF.
MORNING.
MORNING.
SO, YOU WANT BREAKFAST?
NO, THANKS.
WANNA GET THE
HELL OUT OF MY BED?
YES, PLEASE!
GOD, THIS WAS SO WRONG!
VERY WRONG, IRENE...
VERY, VERY WRONG!
SEE, MY HEART STILL
BELONGS TO PETE.
I JUST GOT CAUGHT UP IN
THE ROMANCE AND MUSIC.
THIS IS WHY I NEVER
GO TO WEDDINGS...
THEY'RE CIRCUSES!
PROMISE ME YOU'LL
NEVER TELL ANOTHER SOUL!
WELL...
I'M MORE EMBARRASSED
ABOUT THIS THAN YOU ARE.
OH, BECAUSE OF PETE?
SURE, WHY NOT?
LISTEN, I PROMISE YOU,
WHAT HAPPENED HERE LAST NIGHT...
SEVERAL TIMES...
WILL NEVER EVER LEAVE THIS ROOM.
GOOD.
THIS IS THE STUPIDEST
THING I'VE EVER DONE!
UGH!
SO THAT'S WHAT SHE
MEANT BY "RIDE THE TIGER."
TIME, DUNVILLE... 5:38.
THAT'S THE BEST TIME TODAY.
WHAT'S THAT... BEST TIME?
I DON'T THINK THE PEOPLE
WITH SLOWER TIMES COULD HEAR.
ALL RIGHT... DINNER.
THEN BACK TO THE BARRACKS.
THAT WAS AMAZING!
I AM IN A ZONE. EVERYTHING
IS COMING TOGETHER!
I FEEL SO ALIVE... SO VIRILE.
OW... BUCKLE.
HEY, UM...
WHY DON'T YOU MEET ME
TONIGHT IN THE SUPPLY SHACK?
THAT'S AGAINST THE RULES.
WHAT IF WE GET CAUGHT?
I PROMISE I'LL BE QUICK.
OKAY, LET'S NOT WIN EVERY RACE.
LISTEN, I REALLY WANT TO,
BUT I'VE GOTTA TRAIN TONIGHT.
MY TIME ON THE DRILLS
HAVE BEEN TERRIBLE.
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT MINE?
YES.
I HAVE TO ADMIT,
I DO LIKE HAVING
A HOTSHOT FIREMAN
FOR A BOYFRIEND...
ALL SEXY, COVERED IN SOOT.
MEET ME TONIGHT, AND I
PROMISE NOT TO SHOWER.
BUT YOU SHOWER, OKAY?
I'LL SEE YOU AT MIDNIGHT.
GRRRR.
GAR-AR-AR.
I CAN'T DO THAT.
I'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO DO THAT.
IF I THOUGHT THE HONEYMOON
WOULD BE LIKE THIS,
I WOULD HAVE TRAINED.
YEAH.
I'M GLAD WE WAITED
TILL WE WERE MARRIED.
HA HA HA HA HA HA!
HA HA HA HA HA HA!
MMM... MMM, MMM, MMM.
OHHH! TIME TO REFUEL.
I'LL GRAB SOME SNACKS.
WHOO!
WHOA, WHOA... HONEY, HONEY...
THOSE ARE $5 A BOTTLE.
THERE'S A FAUCET
AND A PLASTIC CUP
IN THE BATHROOM.
WHY DON'T I JUST LAP
UP THE TOILET WATER?
I'M JUST SAYING WE
COULD USE THE MONEY
FOR MORE IMPORTANT THINGS.
JOHNNY... THIS IS OUR HONEYMOON.
WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN THAT?
YEAH, OKAY... WHAT THE HECK?
OH, ALL RIGHT! THEY HAVE
THE CHOCOLATES YOU LIKE.
OH... NO, NOTHING FOR
ME. I'M STUFFED WITH LOVE.
OOH, OOH, OOH... CASHEWS!
HA HA! MMM!
SWEETIE, YOU DON'T
EVEN LIKE CASHEWS!
WANT SOME WATER?
OKAY, THAT'S IT.
WHERE YOU GOING?
TO THE STORE BEFORE THEY
CHARGE US FOR THAT STUFF.
BABY, BABY, BABY...
YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE
ME HERE ALL ALONE...
WEARING THIS WHILE YOU
RUN OUT TO SOME MINIMART
TO SAVE A FEW BUCKS?
MMM.
ARE YOU CRAZY?
NOT AT THEIR PRICES.
Marti!
Marti?
GAR-AR-AR.
WELL... Come here, baby.
YOU'RE NOT MARTI.
YOU'RE A BEAR.
YOU'RE A LITTLE BABY BEAR.
HEY, HOW CUTE ARE YOU, HUH?
HEY... WHAT YA EATIN'
THERE, LITTLE FELLA?
AAAAAAH!
GET IT OFF MY FACE!
GET IT OFF MY FACE!!
SO... YOU TRIED TO
TAKE FOOD FROM A BEAR.
I CAN'T BELIEVE MARTI
HASN'T EVEN CALLED.
PERHAPS SHE WAS
JUMPED BY A CHIPMUNK.
THAT'S MARTI.
WAIT A SECOND, WAIT A SECOND.
YOU READY?
I'M READY... WAIT, WAIT.
OHHHHH... BERG...
OHHHH... IT'S YOU.
GOD, PETE, WHAT HAPPENED?
ALL RIGHT, IRENE, LOOK...
STAY CALM. DON'T MAKE A SCENE.
I WAS MAULED BY A WILD ANIMAL...
BERG, CAN I TALK
TO YOU? SURE THING.
SHUT THE DOOR. OH,
MY GOD, OH, MY GOD!
YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS.
THERE WAS A PHOTOGRAPHER
AT THE WEDDING...
I ALSO SAW ONE AT THE MALL.
THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND!
NO, YOU IDIOT!
THERE MAY BE
PICTURES OUT THERE...
YOU KNOW, OF US... NECKING!
OH, MY GOD!
GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF!
OH, GOD... OKAY!
ALL EVIDENCE OF
OUR MISGUIDED TRYST
MUST BE DESTROYED!
YOU'RE NOT GONNA
KILL ME, ARE YOU, IRENE?
DON'T BE SILLY.
WOULD I TELL YOU IF I WAS?
COME ON.
HEY, ASH, HOW YOU... DOING?
NOT SO FAST, BEANPOLE.
I TAKE IT THINGS DIDN'T GO
SO WELL WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND.
YOU TELL PETE WHEN HE
GETS BACK FROM BOOT CAMP
HE BETTER BE PREPARED TO FIGHT.
Pete: BERG!
WOULD YOU HELP ME
CHANGE MY BANDAGES?
I'M OOZING.
HE'S HOME.
HE GOT MAULED BY A
BEAR. DOOR'S UNLOCKED.
OH.
OH, WOW, PETE... GOD,
YOU REALLY ARE HURT.
ARE YOU OKAY?
I'M OOZING.
OH, GOD.
YOU'RE SO BRAVE.
LET ME TAKE A LOOK
AT THOSE BANDAGES.
OH, THEY NEED TO BE CHANGED.
IT'S NICE TO KNOW
THAT SOMEBODY AROUND
HERE CARES ABOUT ME.
OW, OW... OW, OW!
WAIT, WAIT... STOP.
SHOULDN'T YOU BE
DOING THAT QUICKLY?
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I HAVE TO ACTIVATE
THE PAIN RECEPTORS
TO HELP WITH THE
HEALING PROCESS.
OW, OW, OW, OW,
OW! WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHEN I WAS LITTLE,
AND MY MOM USED TO
TAKE OFF MY BAND-AIDS,
SHE USED TO SING
ME A LITTLE SONG.
AWWWW.
OW!!
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE
JUST CHAT INSTEAD?
OKAY... OW, OW, OW, OW!
NIPPLE... NIPPLE... WAIT!
REMEMBER HOW YOU
JOKINGLY TOLD NOMAR
THAT I WAS HAVING
AN AFFAIR WITH BERG?
THAT NOMAR...
HE'S GOT A GREAT SENSE
OF HUMOR, DOESN'T HE?
NO, HE DOESN'T.
OW!!
HE DOESN'T TRUST ME ANYMORE,
AND YOU CAN'T HAVE A
RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT TRUST,
SO WE BROKE UP ALL
BECAUSE OF... YOU!
AAAAH!
LET'S GO FOR A
WALK, LITTLE DOGGIE.
AAAH... AAH... OW! WHERE
ARE YOU TAKING ME?
I THINK... THAT
THESE WOUNDS... OW!
NEED A LITTLE SPLASH
OF RUBBING ALCOHOL.
MOMMY!!
WOULD YOU KEEP LOOKING?
WE HAVE TO FIND THESE.
I'M JUST NOT USED TO
SEEING MYSELF IN A SUIT.
I'M DELICIOUS.
YOU DO GOOD WORK.
YOU SHOULD SEE MY PORNOGRAPHY.
IT'S NOT THE ARTY STUFF...
JUST GOOD, OLD-FASHIONED NASTY.
WHOA... NOT IN FRONT
OF THE LADY, OKAY?
I'll just take your card.
I HAVE BEEN THROUGH
EVERY PROOF SHEET,
AND I CANNOT FIND
THE ONES OF US!
WAIT A MINUTE...
WEREN'T YOU THE ONE
WEARING HER AS A NECKLACE?
I LIKE TO ACCESSORIZE.
THOSE PICTURES MADE
MY... PRIVATE COLLECTION.
WHAT?
THERE WE GO.
THIS IS A DOG LICKING HIMSELF.
WHAT'S THE MATTER...
YOU DON'T LIKE DOGS?
YEAH, YEAH... HERE'S THE ONE.
OKAY... THIS IS IT.
HERE'S THE MONEY.
THE NEGATIVES ARE INSIDE.
GREAT... NO ONE CAN EVER
SEE THESE PICTURES AGAIN.
WELL, YOU MIGHT WANNA CHECK
WITH THE BRIDE AND GROOM.
I LEFT A COPY OF THE PROOFS
WITH THEM THIS MORNING.
THEY'RE ON THEIR HONEYMOON.
YEAH, I KNOW. I PICKED THE LOCK.
I HAD SOME BREAKFAST.
GOD, COME ON, LET'S GO.
THANK YOU, SIR.
I'VE NEVER MET A
PORNOGRAPHER BEFORE.
YOU'RE NOT AT ALL
WHAT I EXPECTED.
OH, THANKS. HEY, UH...
IF YOU PULL YOUR PANTS
DOWN, I'LL TAKE YOUR PICTURE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!
I'VE HAD MEANINGLESS SEX,
FRATERNIZED WITH PORNOGRAPHERS,
AND NOW I'M BREAKING
AND ENTERING!
NOW, WHEN YOU SAY "MEANINGLESS,"
YOU STILL MEAN IT
WAS GOOD, RIGHT?
OH, MY GOD!
I'M OKAY.
I'M OKAY. I GOT IT. I GOT IT.
OOF.
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!
OH, GOOD, YOU'RE HOME!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU
SCARED US HALF TO DEATH!
YOU'RE SCARED?
FEEL MY HEART.
WHY ARE YOU BACK
FROM YOUR HONEYMOON?
WE CAME HOME EARLY,
WE WERE FIGHTING, AND...
NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
IRENE, SWEETIE,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M JUST... LOOKING
THROUGH THE MAIL.
OH... NOTHING FOR ME.
YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS? MY
MAIL DOESN'T COME HERE.
OH, LOOK... HERE'S
ONE FOR YOU, BERG.
RIGHTO! WELL, WE'RE OFF.
THAT'S NOT YOURS!
THOSE ARE THE PROOFS
TO OUR WEDDING PICTURES.
HOW COULD YOU THROW OUR
WEDDING PICTURES IN THE TRASH?
JOHNNY, I'M A DRAMA QUEEN!
OOPS... ME TOO!
OOH, LOOK AT THAT... HOT STUFF!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT...
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?
BERG, ENOUGH ALREADY.
IT'S TIME TO TELL
THEM THE TRUTH.
FINE... FINE, FINE.
THE TRUTH IS... IRENE'S NUTS.
SHE'S ONE TANGLED
PIECE OF STRING.
OKAY, STOP IT, BERG.
THE TRUTH IS...
CAMERAS ARE
INSTRUMENTS OF THE DEVIL.
EACH SNAPSHOT STEALS
A TEENSY-EENSY BIT OF OUR SOULS,
SO, IN ESSENCE,
I'VE SAVED ALL OF US
FROM ETERNAL DAMNATION.
TAKE THAT, OH,
DEMON OF DARKNESS!
HA HA!
GLAD YOU GUYS ARE BACK.
I'M JUST GONNA...
WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
THEY BREAK IN HERE,
BABBLE DEVIL TALK,
AND THEN...
OH, GOD, THEY RUINED
OUR WEDDING PHOTOS.
OH... OH... WHOA...
NOW YOU'RE TALKING TO M?
24 HOURS ON THE
ROAD... NOT A WORD!
THERE WERE TWO WORDS,
BUT YOU WERE PUMPING GAS.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M NOT THE ONE WHO
STARTED THIS FIGHT, OKAY?
I'M NOT THE ONE WHO
WAS EATING CASHEWS
OUT OF THE MINIBAR!
WHY NOT JUST EAT QUARTERS?
IS MONEY ALL THAT
YOU CARE ABOUT?
I SUPPOSE ALL YOU REMEMBER
ABOUT OUR HONEYMOON
IS THAT I BOUGHT AN
OVERPRICED CHOCOLATE BAR!
SO YOU ADMIT THEY'RE OVERPRICED!
JOHNNY, STOP!
IT WAS OUR WEDDING NIGHT.
YOU MADE ME FEEL WORTHLESS.
IS THIS THE WAY IT'S
ALWAYS GONNA BE?
NO.
SHARON, I NEVER WANT
YOU TO FEEL LIKE THAT.
I J...
I'M JUST... A LITTLE
STRAPPED FOR CASH.
THE TRUTH IS...
I SPENT A LOT OF MONEY
ON YOUR WEDDING PRESENT.
I'LL SHOW YOU.
HERE.
JOHNNY...
I ALREADY HAVE THIS
EXACT SAME COAT.
HEY!
WELL, LOOK WHO FINALLY SHOWED UP
TO NURSE HER MAN...
MY DEVOTED GIRLFRIEND!
OH, COME ON.
I CAME DOWN AS SOON AS I COULD.
HERE YOU GO.
SO HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
HOW DO I FEEL?
WELL, HERE'S A HINT...
I WAS JUST SAVAGELY
MAULED BY A HUGE BEAR.
OH, COME ON. IT WASN'T THAT BIG.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HIM.
I CAUGHT HIM.
LISTEN... COME ON.
THE IMPORTANT THING IS
THAT YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY.
NO, NO...
THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT
WE'RE THERE FOR EACH OTHER
WHEN A CRISIS OCCURS.
YOU GOT A COUPLE SCRATCHES.
DON'T BE SUCH A BABY.
OH, I'M... I'M... YOU ARE J...
YOU'RE THE BAB!
PETE, I KNEW YOU WERE OKAY.
IF YOU WEREN'T, THE
GUYS AT THE CAMP
WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN
MAKING JOKES ABOUT IT.
WHAT KIND OF JOKES?
I DON'T REMEMBER.
WHAT KIND OF JOKES?
I-I DON'T KNOW... DUMB JOKES...
LIKE, "WHAT'S FASTER
THAN A BABY BEAR?"
WHAT?
"NOT PETE."
THAT'S A JOKE?
WELL, IT WAS FUNNY
OVER THE LOUDSPEAKER!
SO THIS IS WHY YOU HAVEN'T
CALLED OR VISITED ME...
BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO BUSY
YUKKING IT UP AT MY EXPENSE?
NO, I HAVEN'T CALLED BECAUSE
I'VE BEEN WORKING MY BUTT OFF
TRYING TO FULFILL
MY LIFE'S DREAM!
AND IT'S NOT GOING VERY WELL!
BUT YOU'RE TOO BUSY TO NOTICE
BECAUSE YOU'RE MR. HOTSHOT!
WHAT?!
I-I'M SORRY. DID I
COME AT A BAD TIME?
NO! YES!
WHERE ARE YOU
GOING? BACK TO CAMP.
MARTI... WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?
WELL, I...
I CAME DOWN TO
CHANGE YOUR BANDAGES.
WHY, DO THEY NEED THEM?
NO, BUT I NEEDED
SOME CHEERING UP.
I DON'T GET IT...
I DON'T GET IT.
IS IT WRONG TO
EXPECT MY GIRLFRIEND
TO BE HERE FOR ME
WHEN I NEED HER?
NO, PETE, IT'S NOT WRONG.
OKAY, I'D JUST AS SOON
YOU DIDN'T MOCK ME, ASHLEY.
NO, PETE, I'M NOT.
LOOK, WE PUT A LOT OF
FAITH IN THE PEOPLE WE LOVE,
AND SOMETIMES THEY LET US DOWN.
AND MAYBE IT'S A ONE-TIME THING,
OR MAYBE THAT'S
WHO THEY REALLY ARE.
I GUESS WHAT WE HAVE TO DECIDE
IS DO WE WANNA STICK
AROUND TO FIND OUT?
YEAH.
THANKS, ASHLEY.
IT'S A SHAME YOUR OPINION
HOLDS NO VALUE TO ME.
THERE... KEEP
YOUR EYES CLOSED...
EW... EW! WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
IT'S OUR FUTURE, BABY.
OKAY, OPEN 'EM.
OKAY.
I SPENT OUR LIFE
SAVINGS ON THIS HOUSE.
OH, STOP!
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME CRY.
ARE YOU CRYING
BECAUSE YOU'RE AN IDIOT?
BECAUSE THAT'S WHY I'M CRYING.
THE PLACE IS
JUST... IT'S A MESS!
THE STAIRS ARE A DEATHTRAP,
AND THE WALLS ARE...
ARE DEFINITELY NOT UP TO CODE!
I KNOW IT LOOKS A
LITTLE WORN NOW,
BUT LOOK... IT USED
TO BE A PALACE.
THIS IS OUR HOUSE 200 YEARS AGO.
WELL, AT LEAST THEN
PEOPLE PEED OUTSIDE.
I CAN MAKE IT LOOK
LIKE THIS AGAIN.
I HAVE A SCHEDULE. I'LL
BE DONE BY CHRISTMAS.
THIS CHRISTMAS?
ABSOLUTELY... OR NEXT.
I SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT
BEFORE YOU BOUGHT IT.
YOU DID!
DO YOU REMEMBER OUR SECOND DATE?
WE WERE DRIVING PAST AN
OLD VICTORIAN ROW HOUSE,
AND YOU SAID HOW
GREAT IT WOULD BE
IF SOMEBODY BOUGHT
IT AND FIXED IT UP?
THIS IS IT?
NO, NO, NO.
SOMEBODY BOUGHT
THAT AND FIXED IT UP.
AND WE CAN DO THE SAME.
HMM?
PRINCESSES DON'T
LIVE IN BASEMENTS.
THEY LIVE IN CASTLES.
AND, SWEETIE, I'LL
MAKE THIS YOUR CASTLE...
I PROMISE.
OHHH... GOD, JOHNNY...
YOU'RE JUST A SWEET,
ROMANTIC IDIOT.
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU.
OHHH.
JOHNNY, BABY... MM-HMM?
THERE'S A RAT EATING A
DEAD PIGEON IN OUR CASTLE.
YEAH, IN OUR CASTLE.
HEY.
HI.
DOING LAUNDRY.
READING THE PAPER.
OKAY, THEN.
WOW... YESTERDAY.
IT WAS QUITE A DAY, HUH?
YEAH.
YEAH.
BUT STILL, YOU KNOW,
IT WAS... IT WAS FUN.
IT WAS ODD, BUT FUN.
WELL, THAT'S ME.
HA HA!
HEY, YOU KNOW, I THINK THAT
SHARON ACTUALLY BOUGHT
THAT WHOLE DEVIL-CAMERA THING.
YEAH, DEFINITELY.
HEY, IRENE, THAT WAS
JUST A THING, RIGHT?
OF COURSE.
YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST
FOLLOWING YOUR LEAD...
ALL THAT STUFF
ABOUT ME BEING NUTS.
HA HA HA HA HA HA!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
I WASN'T SURE YOU'D
QUITE PICK UP ON THAT.
YEAH, WELL, IT
WAS WELL WORTH IT.
IT'S NOT EVERY DAY THAT TWO
PEOPLE GET A CHANCE TO ERASE
THE BIGGEST MISTAKE
OF THEIR LIVES.
YEAH, DEFINITELY... DEFINITELY.
WE GOT OFF LUCKY,
DIDN'T WE, THERE, TIGER?
THIS IS SO WRONG.
I THINK THE TIGER WINKED AT ME.
SHOOT... SHE ATE
THE KIT KATS, TOO?