Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 4, Episode 20 - The Icewoman Cometh - full transcript

ALL RIGHT, VOLUNTEERS, LINE UP!

ALL RIGHT!

I'VE MOVED THE
TRUCK UP THE STREET

IN PREPARATION FOR
TODAY'S EXERCISE.

IS THERE ANYONE HERE

WHO HASN'T HAD A CHANCE TO
READ THE TRUCK MANUAL YET?

FRANKIE, FRANKIE, FRANKIE...

DO ME A FAVOR... RUN
BACK TO THE STATION.

NEXT TO THE HELMET
RACK, YOU'LL SEE A MIRROR.

I WANT YOU TO LOOK
INTO THAT MIRROR

AND SEE WHAT FAILURE LOOKS LIKE!



MOVE!

GO!

IS THERE ANYONE ELSE
HERE TO WASTE MY TIME?

I DIDN'T THINK SO.

NOW... THE TRUCK IS NOT A TOY.

IT IS TO BE TREATED
WITH TWO PARTS RESPECT,

ONE PART FEAR, AND
JUST A DASH OF AWE.

NOW, CAN ANYONE TELL ME
THE FOUR STEPS I WENT THROUGH

TO SECURE THE TRUCK
AFTER I PARKED IT?

YES, JOHNNY.

AREN'T THERE FIVE STEPS?

I'M SORRY, ARE YOU
WEARING THE WHISTLE?

I JUST... NO MORE QUESTIONS.

UH, PETE... QUIET DOWN!



RODRIGUEZ, YOU'RE
RIDING SHOTGUN.

LOOK OUT!!

I APPRECIATE YOUR
ENTHUSIASM, JOHNNY,

BUT HIS JOB IS... AAAAH!!

AAAAH!!

WHOA!

ARE YOU OKAY?

I LANDED ON MY WHISTLE.

SHARON!

HEY.

HOW ARE YOU?

I'M GOOD.

COME HERE.

OHHH!

OKAY.

NOW, HOW ARE YOU?

I WAS GOOD, BUT NOW
I'M A LITTLE CREEPED OUT.

WHAT ARE YOU SO
HAPPY ABOUT, RAIN MAN?

TODAY I ALMOST DIED.

UNDERACHIEVER.

YOU MAKE ME LAUGH.

THANK YOU FOR THAT.

BACK UP. WHAT DO YOU
MEAN YOU ALMOST DIED?

I SAVED PETE FROM
GETTING HIT BY A TRUCK.

I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD DO
SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOUR GUYS.

PETE, WE DO NOT
WANT YOU TO DO THAT.

TREAT YOU TO A WEEKEND
AT THE HOTEL ROYALE.

MAKE IT A ROOM
OVERLOOKING THE BAY.

PETE, ARE YOU SURE?

YES! SHH!

WE HAVE NOT HAD A CHANCE
TO CELEBRATE OUR ANNIVERSARY.

ABSOLUTELY. IT'S
THE LEAST I CAN DO.

YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS
COULDN'T BE BETTER TIMING.

I ALMOST WENT AND
BOUGHT SHAMPOO.

HI, ROGER.

HEY, IRENE.

I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU,
BUT IT WOULD REALLY HELP US

IF YOU START PUTTING A
HYPHEN IN THE 9-DIGIT ZIP CODE.

I COVERED FOR YOU ON THIS ONE.

THANK YOU. I OWE YOU ONE.

GO OUT WITH ME.

HEY, IRENE, I'VE BEEN
WANTING TO TALK TO YOU.

OH, GOODY!

TELL ME ABOUT THAT
GIRL YOU KISSED.

I NEVER GET TIRED OF
HEARING ABOUT THAT.

WHAT'S IT GONNA
TAKE TO GET PAST THIS?

THERE IS NO GETTING PAST THIS.

YOU'RE OUT ON YOUR
KEISTER, MEISTER.

IT'S THE LAST RHYME
YOU'RE GONNA GET.

IRENE...

YOU OUGHT TO MOVE TO STURBRIDGE.

'CAUSE AS OF NEXT WEEK,
THAT'S WHERE YOUR MAIL'S GOING.

OH, YEAH. I CAN DO THAT.

OH, I KNOW.

JUST NOT ON TIME.

HI. YES. HELLO.

CAN I SPEAK TO
DR. ASHLEY WALKER?

SHE'S IN SURGERY?

OH, MY GOD, WHAT
HAPPENED? IS SHE ALL RIGHT?

OF COURSE SHE IS. RIGHT.

A-A MESSAGE? YEAH.

UH, TELL HER PETER...
RABBITSON CALLED.

THAT'S IT.

IRENE AND I ARE OVER.

BERG, I ALMOST GOT HIT
BY A FIRETRUCK TODAY.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE
PROBLEM WITH FIRETRUCKS.

YOU NEED SOME SORT OF
WARNING THAT THEY'RE COMING.

ARE YOU... ARE YOU OKAY?

WHEN THAT TRUCK WAS
BARRELING TOWARDS ME,

MY ENTIRE LIFE FLASHED
BEFORE MY EYES.

THE LAST IMAGE I
SAW WAS A WOMAN.

I THINK IT'S THE WOMAN
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE WITH,

BUT IT'S CRAZY.

IT WASN'T MY MOM, WAS IT?

NO.

IT WASN'T IRENE, WAS IT?

NO.

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO IT IS.

ARE YOU SURE IT WASN'T MY MOM?

NO!

IT WAS ASHLEY.

ARE YOU CRAZY?!

A NEAR-DEATH
EXPERIENCE WOULDN'T LIE.

UNLESS IT WAS TRYING TO LULL YOU

INTO ANOTHER
NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE.

PETE, I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU REALIZE,

BUT THIS IS MY EX-GIRLFRIEND
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.

I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY,
BUT THERE'S SOMETHING THERE.

IT'S LIKE I WAKE
UP IN THE MORNING,

AND I THINK OF THIS
REALLY GREAT INSULT,

AND I CAN'T WAIT
TO SAY IT TO HER.

THEN I GO, AND I DO,

AND SHE SAYS SOMETHING
BACK EVEN MEANER,

THEN WE START TO GO AT IT,
IT GETS HOTTER AND HOTTER

UNTIL I FEEL LIKE
I'M GONNA EXPLODE!

AND THEN IT'S OVER

AND I'M LEFT WITH THIS
FEELING OF TOTAL PEACE.

YEAH, BUT THEN YOU GOTTA
WAIT, LIKE, ANOTHER HOUR

BEFORE YOU CAN ARGUE AGAIN.

PETE, I THINK YOU'RE
FORGETTING ONE THING...

ASHLEY HATES YOU.

NO. YOU'RE WRONG. YOU'RE WRONG.

I CAN EITHER SIT AROUND HERE

AND WONDER WHAT'S GONNA
HAPPEN TO THE REST OF MY LIFE,

OR I CAN GO OUT THERE
AND DO SOMETHING.

I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT
BATHROOM! IT HAS A PHONE AND A TV!

I KNOW! AND I LOVE
THAT FOOT MASSAGER.

SWEETIE, THAT'S A SHOE SHINER.

WHAT ABOUT THAT WATER
FOUNTAIN NEXT TO THE TOILET?

HONEY, THAT'S A
BIDET. IT'S FOR WOMEN.

IT'S BIG IN FRANCE.

OH, A LADY'S FOUNTAIN.

YOU WANT SOMETHING TO
DRINK FROM THE MINI BAR?

YOU KNOW PETE'S ONLY
PAYING FOR THE ROOM?

AND THE MINI BAR GOES
ON THE ROOM BILL...

PETE'S ROOM BIL.

PUT THAT BACK.

WE SHOULD NOT TAKE
ADVANTAGE OF PETE'S GENEROSITY.

I SAVED PETE'S LIFE. HE
WANTS ME TO BE HAPPY.

COME ON, HAVE A DRINK.

YOU CAN WATCH ANYTHING
YOU WANT ON PAY-PER-VIEW.

LOOK, LOOK, LOOK... THEY
GOT THAT RICHARD GERE MOVIE.

YOU KNOW I WON'T LIKE THAT.

YOU DO NOT FIGHT FAIR.

HEY.

GOOD EVENING. YOUR CHAMPAGNE.

OOOH!

"LIVE LIFE TO THE
FULLEST. LOVE, PETE."

SO AS IT IS WRITTEN,
SO IT SHALL BE DONE!

IF THAT'S WHAT PETE WANTS.

THANKS.

WILL THERE BE ANYTHING ELSE?

YES, MY GOOD MAN.

GIVE YOURSELF $10 AND
PUT IT ON THE ROOM BILL.

I'M AFRAID I CAN'T DO THAT, SIR.

IN THAT CASE,

TAKE ANY TWO DRINKS
FROM THE MINI BAR.

ASHLEY, I NEED TO TALK
TO YOU FOR A SECOND.

PETE, KEEP IT DOWN.

THESE PEOPLE ARE
TRYING TO SLEEP.

THEY SUFFER FROM INSOMNIA.

DUDE, I AM SO TIRED.

I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN THREE
WEEKS. IT'S HORRIBLE.

I JUST SIT IN THIS BED AND
EAT CANDY AND DRINK COFFEE.

COME HERE. COME HERE.

LOOK, I JUST...

I NEED TO GET
SOMETHING OFF MY CHEST.

IT'S ONE HAIR... JUST PLUCK IT.

ASHLEY, I KNOW WE LIKE
TAKING SHOTS AT ONE ANOTHER,

BUT CAN YOU JUST BE
SERIOUS FOR ONE SECOND?

THIS IS IMPORTANT. WHAT?

RIGHT BEFORE JOHNNY PULLED
ME OUT OF THE WAY OF THAT TRUCK,

A VISION OF MY FUTURE
FLASHED BEFORE MY EYES.

SO?

IT WAS YOU.

ALL RIGHT?

A-AND THIS ISN'T
EASY FOR ME TO SAY,

BUT IN MY HEART, I BELIEVE THAT
THERE'S SOMETHING BETWEEN US,

AND I THINK WE OWE IT TO
OURSELVES TO EXPLORE IT.

WOW! PETE, YOU REALLY MEAN THIS.

YEAH.

WELL, IN THAT
CASE, IN MY HEART...

AND THIS ISN'T EASY
FOR ME EITHER...

I HATE YOU, AND I'M
MOVING TO CALIFORNIA.

WOW!

WHAT DO YOU KNOW? THAT WAS EASY.

I OPEN UP TO YOU,
AND THIS IS WHAT I GET?

PETE, COME ON!

YOU DON'T HAVE ANY
REAL FEELINGS FOR ME.

I'M JUST THE ONLY WOMAN
LEFT IN THE BUILDING

YOU HAVEN'T TRIED
TO GET ON TOP OF.

NOW I REMEMBERED WHY
I SAVED YOU FOR LAST.

PLEASE, PETE. COME ON!

OKAY. MESSAGE RECEIVED.

YOU'RE AVAILABLE.

HEY.

KATIE, HEY. I'M GLAD
YOU COULD MAKE IT.

WELL, I WAS SURPRISED
TO HEAR FROM YOU.

I MEAN, AFTER LAST TIME.

I WAS AFRAID YOU'D GET THE
WRONG IMPRESSION WHEN I SAID I, UH,

WELL, THAT THERE WAS
NOTHING BETWEEN US

AND I NEVER WANTED
TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

SO, WHAT CHANGED?

WELL, UH, MY GIRLFRIEND
BROKE UP WITH ME.

AND I DIDN'T WANT TO
SIT AROUND WONDERING

FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE...

MAYBE THIS IS TOO SOON.

NO, IT'S FINE. I'M
GLAD YOU CALLED.

YOU LOOK VERY CUTE.

THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, YOU WERE MY
BIG HIGH-SCHOOL CRUSH.

IN NINTH GRADE, I DECIDED
I WOULD SAVE IT FOR YOU.

REALLY?

WELL.

IN NINTH GRADE, I WAS SAVING
IT FOR MARY LOU RETTON.

NOW, UH, HOW LONG DID
YOU HOLD ON TO YOUR PLAN?

STILL HOLDING.

WHAT?

I'M STILL SAVING
IT FOR YOU, BERG.

OKAY.

NOW, WHEN YOU SAY, UH..."IT,"

UH, DO YOU MEAN... MY FLOWER.

SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

WELL, UH, WE
COULD... I DON'T KNOW.

WE COULD SACRIFICE YOU
TO ENSURE A GOOD HARVEST.

OKAY. THAT'S NOT
WHAT I HAD IN MIND.

LOOK, KATIE, CLEARLY
I'M WORTH THE WAIT,

BUT ISN'T THAT KIND
OF A LONG SHOT?

I MEAN, YOU HAVEN'T SEEN
ME SINCE HIGH SCHOOL.

OKAY, I HAVE TO CONFESS.

I'VE BEEN WATCHING
YOU FOR EIGHT YEARS.

WHAT DO YOU... WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU KNOW... THROUGH BINOCULARS.

OH, MY GOD. HAS IT
BEEN EIGHT YEARS?

THAT'S JUST CRAZY.

YEAH, I KNOW.

I MEAN, LIKE, WHOA! CRAZY.

SO, UH, WHAT MADE YOU
FINALLY DECIDE TO CONTACT ME?

MY MOM WANTS GRANDKIDS.

ALL RIGHT, SO, YOU READY,

OR DO YOU NEED
OYSTERS OR SOMETHING?

LOOK, KATIE, UNDER
NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES

I WOULD LOVE TO
TAKE YOUR FLOWER.

BUT, UH, THE TRUTH IS, I CAN'T,

BECAUSE MY GIRLFRIEND AND
I... WE GOT BACK TOGETHER.

YOU JUST TOLD ME
YOU BROKE UP WITH HER.

YES, I KNOW. WE'RE SO
ON-AGAIN AND OFF-AGAIN.

YOU SEE, I'M NUTS, AND YOU'RE
OBVIOUSLY VERY GROUNDED,

SO I SHOULD GO.

WELL, MAYBE I SHOULD GO ASK HER,

AND SHE'D CONFIRM ALL THIS?

WELL, ON THAT NOTE, I
GUESS I'M GONNA HAVE TO...

OH, WHAT'S THAT?

OH, GOD.

OH, YEAH. THAT'S THE STUFF.

OH, HOW DID YOU KNOW?

OKAY!

SWITCH!

THAT'S IT! PARTY'S OVER!

YOU... TOUCHY, FEELY... BEAT IT!

PETE, WHAT'S WRONG?

TODAY I LEARNED THE WORLD
IS NOT A BEAUTIFUL PLACE.

IT'S A COLD, HEARTLESS
PLACE THAT MOCKS ME.

MAN, YOU NEED TO GET
AWAY. THAT'S WHAT WE DID.

LOOK, WHEN I OFFERED
THIS PLACE TO YOU GUYS,

I WAS LIVING FOR THE MOMENT.

WELL, THAT MOMENT HAS
PASSED, SO OUT YOU GO!

WELL, THAT WAS
FUN WHILE IT LASTED.

WHOA, WHOA! NO, DON'T
PACK! WE'RE NOT LEAVING.

JOHNNY, IT'S OVER. LOOK
AT THE BRIGHT SIDE...

WE HAD A FEW LAUGHS, AND YOU
GOT A PILLOWCASE FULL OF SOAPS.

YESTERDAY PETE SAID
THAT LIFE WAS SHORT,

AND WE SHOULD LIVE
IT TO THE FULLEST.

YES, AND NOW HE'S
CANCELING THE ROOM.

LET HIM. WE'LL PAY FOR THE ROOM.

COULD YOU REPEAT THAT
FOR VERIFICATION PURPOSES?

WE ARE GONNA PAY FOR THE ROOM.

SHARON, WE DESERVE
A NICE ANNIVERSARY.

UNLESS YOU THINK
IT'S A BAD IDEA.

NO!

NO, JOHNNY, I LOVE IT!

OH, THIS IS OUR BEST
FIRST ANNIVERSARY EVER!

HEY, HEY, HEY.

WHY DON'T WE GET IN THE
WHIRLPOOL BATH AND WATCH TV?

SOUNDS GOOD.

WORK UP AN APPETITE.

SOUNDS BETTER.

ORDER SOME ROOM SERVICE.

WE'RE NOT MADE OF MONEY.

GERM?

GERM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH
YOUR HEAD UNDER THE COVERS?

I SWEAR, IF YOU HAVE
A MAGAZINE... PETE!

ASHLEY... COME DANCE WITH ME.

I CAN'T. I-I'M WORKING.

I'M A DOCTOR WITH
RESPONSIBILITIES.

THESE PEOPLE DEPEND ON ME.

YOU WANNA MAKE OUT?

SURE.

I, UM, I FELL ASLEEP.

WE KNOW.

YOU WERE SHOWING OFF IN
FRONT OF THE INSOMNIACS.

HEY, WHAT WERE
YOU DREAMING ABOUT?

NOTHING. WHY?

WELL, IT SOUNDED LIKE NO ONE
UNDER 17 SHOULD BE ADMITTED.

IT WAS NOT A DREAM.
IT WAS A NIGHTMARE.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

TO SHOOT MYSELF.

ALL RIGHT. GOOD LUCK.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

CAN'T YOU COME BACK
WHEN I'M NOT HERE?

I REALIZE YOU'RE UPSET,

BUT WHAT YOU SAID
GOT ME THINKING.

DON'T LISTEN TO ME.
FORGET EVERYTHING I SAID.

I CAN'T FORGET.

UNLIKE YOU, I'M NOT
A MENTAL MIDGET.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

YOU COME INTO MY
HOME, AND YOU'RE RUDE.

DIDN'T THEY TEACH YOU
ANYTHING IN OBEDIENCE SCHOOL?

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

BECAUSE OF YOU AND
YOUR STUPID VISIONS,

I STARTED HAVING
DREAMS ABOUT YOU.

YOU WHAT?

I HAD ONE STUPID DREAM,

AND I WANTED YOU TO KNOW
IT DOESN'T MEAN A THING.

IT MEANT ENOUGH FOR
YOU TO COME DOWN HERE

AND GAZE ONCE AGAIN UPON
THE STAR OF YOUR LUSTY DREAM.

IT WASN'T LUSTY.

IT WAS DISTURBING...
VERY, VERY DISTURBING.

WHY WAS IT DISTURBING?

YOU WERE KISSING ME.

WHY IS THAT DISTURBING?

BECAUSE I LIKED IT.

OWWWW!

WHO TOLD YOU THAT
YOU COULD KISS ME?

YOU SAID YOU LIKED IT!

IN MY DREAMS!

BUT...

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED
TO DO IN ORDER TO REALIZE

THERE ARE NO GENUINE
FEELINGS BETWEEN US,

THEN FINE, KISS ME.

OWWWWW!

YOU SEE? NOTHING.

OH, WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO WITH THAT?

OWWWW!

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!

I'VE BEEN CALLING FOR
THE LAST HALF-HOUR.

I KNOW.

THANK HEAVEN FOR A LITTLE
THING CALLED "CALLER I.D."

FUNNY STORY... YOU
REMEMBER "COMIC BOOK KATIE"?

TURNS OUT SHE'S
CERTIFIABLY INSANE.

ISN'T THAT A GAS?

ANYWAY, I TOLD HER THAT WE GOT
BACK TOGETHER TO GET RID OF HER,

AND NOW SHE'S ON HER WAY
DOWN HERE TO TALK TO YOU.

CAN YOU COVER FOR ME, PLEASE?

IT'LL BE LIKE PUTTING ON A SHOW.
YOU LOVE PUTTING ON SHOWS.

YOU'RE RIGHT, BERG.

I WOULD LOVE TO HELP
YOU IN ANY WAY I CAN.

HOW'S THAT FOR A SHOW?

Berg: KATIE!

HI.

HI.

SO, HERE, UH... HERE
WE ARE JUST, UH...

JUST A HAPPY, HAPPY COUPLE.

SHUT UP, BERG!

I WANT TO HEAR IT FROM HER.

OKAY... KATIE.

THE TRUTH IS, WE
ARE NOT TOGETHER.

LIAR!

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN
YOU HAVE A CHANCE WITH HIM.

YOU DON'T.

HE THINKS YOU'RE INSANE.

HE'LL NEVER TELL YOU THAT,

BECAUSE HE WANTS
EVERYONE TO LIKE HIM.

SO I'LL SAY WHAT HE'S
TOO COWARDLY TO SAY.

DON'T CALL HIM AGAIN.

BERG, IS THAT TRUE?

YOU CAN CALL ME ON MY BIRTHDAY.

WELL, THANK YOU
FOR YOUR HONESTY.

AND TO THINK... I
WAS GONNA KILL YOU.

OH, BOY, HONESTY... I TELL YOU,

I NEVER WOULD HAVE
THOUGHT OF THAT.

BYE, BERG.

JUST THINK ONE
SECOND HERE, IRENE.

COME ON.

I REALIZE THAT I WAS PRETTY
SELFISH IN OUR RELATIONSHIP,

BUT I CAN CHANGE.

I SWEAR I...

FROM NOW ON, I WILL BE
COMPLETELY HONEST WITH YOU.

IRENE...

NEED ME TO BUST SOME ASS?

IT'S OKAY, ROGER. I'LL
BE THERE IN A MINUTE.

OKAY.

YOU HURT HER...

AND I'LL MUSH YOUR FACE THE
WAY I MUSH YOUR MAGAZINES.

I'M SORRY YOU HAD
TO FIND OUT THIS WAY.

WHATEVER! YOU'RE JUST
USING HIM TO GET BACK AT ME.

YOU ARE WRONG. I LIKE ROGER.

UNLIKE YOU, HE WILL
NOT BREAK MY HEART.

HE IS RELIABLE.

NEITHER RAIN NOR SLEET
NOR SNOW WILL KEEP HIM AWAY.

LOOK, YOU JUST
LOOK ME IN THE EYE

AND YOU TELL ME THAT
YOU DON'T LOVE ME,

AND I WILL NEVER
BOTHER YOU AGAIN.

I HAVE TO GO.

YOU DIDN'T SAY NO. YOU
DID NOT SAY NO, IRENE!

AAAAH!

ALL RIGHT. STILL
FEELIN' NOTHIN' FOR ME?

EHHH.

ALL RIGHT.

THEN WE HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN,

BUT THIS TIME,
ONCE WE GET GOING,

YOU CAN STOP SLAPPING ME.