Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 4, Episode 19 - The Love Boat - full transcript

IRENE...

I'M SURE WHATEVER
THE MAILBOX SAID,

IT'S SORRY.

NO.

I'M JUST REARRANGING
THE MAILBOXES.

I NO LONGER WISH MINE
TO BE ADJACENT TO BERG'S,

THAT DIRTY-ROTTEN, CHEATING,
WENCH-KISSING SCALLYWAG!

COME ON, IRENE.

I MEAN, I KNOW BERG'S A
RAPSCALLION, BUT A SCALLYWAG?

I KNOW BERG KISSED ANOTHER GIRL

BUT CAN'T YOU JUST FORGIVE HIM?



NO, I NEVER WANT
TO SEE HIM AGAIN.

THAT'S WHY WHEN HE
COMES OUT TO GET HIS MAIL,

I WILL NOT BE STANDING HERE.

I WILL BE STANDING OVER HERE!

I SHOULD HAVE JUST SAID
HELLO AND KEPT ON WALKING.

DARLING, IF I GAVE
YOU 1,000 KISSES,

WOULD YOU GIVE ME 1,001?

ONLY IF YOU NEVER STOP
CALLING ME "DARLING."

OH, DARLING.

HEY, WHATCHA WATCHING?

JUST ONE OF THE
BEST MOVIES EVER.

WHO'S IN IT?

I DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS,
BUT HER NAME IS "DARLING."

LOVE WAS SO SIMPLE THEN.



YEAH, AND JUST 'CAUSE
YOU LIKED TO DANCE

DIDN'T MEAN YOU WERE A SISSY.

DID YOU KNOW IRENE
SWITCHED MAILBOXES?

YEAH, I KNOW. NOW
YOU'LL NEVER SEE HER.

SHE WON'T EVEN TALK TO ME,

AND I THINK ONE OF HER
CATS GAVE ME THE FINGER.

IF YOU WANT IRENE BACK,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO WIN HER OVER

TAKE HER SOMEPLACE NICE TONIGHT.

THE MED SCHOOL'S HOSTING
A YACHT PARTY TONIGHT.

BERG, GO TALK TO HER.

DO YOU THINK THE
GUY IN YOUR MOVIE

WOULD SIT AROUND
BELLYACHING TO HIS FRIEND?

NO! HE'D GO TELL THE
WOMAN HOW HE FELT.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

WHAT'S THE USE IN
WATCHING THESE MOVIES

IF YOU DON'T LEARN ANYTHING?!

I'M GONNA GO SHOW IRENE
THAT I CAN BE A MAN'S MAN!

BUT FIRST I NEED A
BATH. I'M VERY TENSE.

WELL, LOOK HOW
NICELY A ROSE GROWS

WHEN IT'S SURROUNDED
BY FERTILIZER.

I WAS HOPING WE COULD TALK.

I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY.

I KNOW YOU WON'T FORGIVE
ME, BUT YOU DID PROMI

THAT YOU'D GO WITH ME
TO THAT RESIDENCY MIXER.

AND YOU PROMISED
YOU'D BE FAITHFUL TO ME!

SO... WHOA! YEAH.

I KNOW THAT I CAN'T BE TRUSTED,
BUT YOU MADE A PROMISE.

I CANNOT GO ON A DATE WITH YOU.

NO, IT'S NOT A DATE.
IT'S NOT A DATE.

IT'S FOR MY CAREER,
AND, IRENE, PLEAS

YOU SAID YOU'D GO.

WELL, OKAY, AS LONG
AS IT'S NOT A DATE.

WELL, THANK YOU. THAT'S GREAT.

TO SHOW YOU HOW
MUCH I APPRECIATE IT,

I'D LIKE TO BUY YOU A DRESS.

OH, SO NOW YOU THINK
YOU CAN BUY ME BACK

BY FLASHING SOME MONEY IN
MY FACE, MR. BIG-TIME DOCTOR!

NO, I... NO, IRENE, I JUST...

LOOK, I LOOK GOOD IN BLUE!

HEY, SHAR.

LISTEN, CAN I BORROW YOUR
HUSBAND FOR THE NIGHT?

NO, BUT I COULD
GIVE YOU SOMETHING

FROM THE GOODY DRAWER.

I'M TRYING TO GET THIS
RESIDENCY AT STANFORD.

I NEED A MAN TO PROVE
HOW WELL-ROUNDED I AM.

WHEN WERE YOU HOPING
TO ENTER... FALL... 1952?

DR. RICHARDS, THE GUY
WHO CHOOSES THE RESIDENTS,

HE LIKES PEOPLE WHO ARE
IN COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS.

THEY'RE MORE DEPENDABLE.

CAN I FOOL HIM AND
HAVE YOUR HUSBAND?

SORRY, WE'RE CELEBRATING
OUR ANNIVERSARY.

OH, HEY, WHY DON'T YOU ASK PETE?

WHAT IF HE ALREADY HAS PLANS?

THAT'S FUNNY.

YOU'RE RIGHT. I'LL ASK PETE.

HELLO THERE, MY CHARMING
AND WONDERFUL FRIENDS.

WHY ARE YOU IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD?

BECAUSE TONIGHT, I HAVE A CHANCE

TO PROVE TO IRENE THAT
SHE WAS WRONG ABOUT ME.

ALL I NEED IS A GREAT DRESS.

YOU KNOW, BERG, WITH YOUR SHAPE,

YOU REALLY SHOULD WEAR PANTS.

NO, IT'S FOR IRENE,

UNLESS I FIND
SOMETHING REALLY SEXY.

WELL, HEY, HONEY.

HEY, BABY.

SORRY, BERG, I CAN'T HELP YOU.

SEE THESE ROSE PETALS? JUST
FOLLOW THEM OUT THE DOOR.

FINE, I'LL GO DRESS
SHOPPING BY MYSELF.

BUY YOURSELF SOMETHING PRETTY!

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

CLOSE YOUR EYES!
CLOSE YOUR EYES!

TIME TO UNWRAP YOUR GIFT!

I GOT SOME BAD NEWS.

WHAT IS IT?

PROMISE NOT TO HIT ME.

TELL ME.

I HAVE TO GO BACK TO
THE FIRE STATION TONIGHT.

WHAT?!

I'M LOW MAN ON THE TOTEM POLE.

IT'S OUR ANNIVERSARY!

I TOLD THEM THAT, AND
THEY LAUGHED AT ME,

AND NOW I GOTTA
WORK CHRISTMAS, TOO.

HEY, PETE.

UM, WOULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

YEAH, SURE.

YOU BEND OVER, AND
I'LL PULL OUT THE STICK

I HAVE TO SCHMOOZE A
BUNCH OF DOCTORS ON A YACHT,

AND I NEED A DATE.

BERG'S GOING TO THAT.

HE TOLD ME HE DIDN'T WANT
THE STANFORD RESIDENCY!

I THINK HE'S JUST
GOING TO BE WITH IRENE.

HE KNOWS I'VE ALREADY
SABOTAGED ALL MY COMPETITION,

SO HE KEPT IT FROM ME.

GOD, HE'S SO CONNIVING!

SO, WILL YOU COME?

WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME?

MAYBE THE CAPTAIN WILL
LET YOU SIT ON HIS KNEE

AND STEER THE BOAT.

ALL RIGHT, I'M IN.

OH, HEY, SO, I HEAR YOU'RE UP
FOR THE STANFORD RESIDENCY.

RIGHT NOW, I GOT
WAY BIGGER PROBLEMS.

I NEED TO BUY IRENE A
DRESS, AND I JUST FOUND OUT

DRESSES DON'T COME IN
"SMALL," "MEDIUM," AND "LARGE."

THEY COME IN EVEN SIZES,
UNLESS YOU'RE AT YOUNG MISS

THEN THEY'RE ODD SIZES.

I, UH, I USED TO
WORK AT A BOUTIQUE.

SO, I GUESS IT'S REALLY
IMPORTANT TO YOU

THAT IRENE LOOKS
JUST RIGHT TONIGHT.

OH, IT IS. IT IS. I WANT
THIS NIGHT TO BE PERFECT.

WELL, I STILL NEED A
DRESS FOR MYSELF.

I COULD TAKE IRENE
SHOPPING WITH ME.

YOU'D DO THAT? AND IF SO, WHY?

WELL...

SOMETHING TELLS ME THAT
TONIGHT WON'T BE A SUCCESS

UNLESS IRENE LOOKS JUST RIGHT.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!
YOU ARE A LIFESAVER.

HERE'S MY CREDIT CARD.
SORRY ABOUT THE TAPE.

SOME CLERK
ACCIDENTALLY CUT IN HALF.

THOMPSON!

SHH! IT'S ME!

THANK GOD.

FOR A SECOND, I THOUGHT
THE RUMORS WERE TRUE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I DIDN'T WANT US
GOING TO BED MAD.

I DIDN'T GO TO BED MAD.
CHUCK MADE BANANA SPLITS.

I WANTED US TO CELEBRATE
OUR ANNIVERSARY.

OH, HOW SWEET. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

OKAY, NOW SCRAM.

NO, NO, NO, WAIT. I
BROUGHT FUN STUFF.

GET UNDER HERE.

SWEETIE, YOU CAN'T BE
HERE. I'M TRYING TO WORK.

JOHNNY, YOU WERE ASLEEP.

I DON'T MAKE THE
ORDERS. I JUST FOLLOW THE

DON'T YOU EVEN CARE THAT
YOU'RE GONNA GET ME INTO TROUBLE?

YOU'RE OVERREACTING. NO
ONE WILL EVEN KNOW I'M HERE.

IT'S OKAY.

IT'S JUST... ME AND THOMPSON.

OKAY, JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR,

AS FAR AS EVERYONE
HERE IS CONCERNED

YOU AND I...

♪ ARE SITTIN' IN A
TREE, K-I-S-S-I-N-G ♪

WHO HERE NEEDS TO THINK
THAT I'M YOUR BOYFRIEND?

THE HEAD OF
NEUROSURGERY AT STANFORD.

HE PREFERS CANDIDATES
WHO ARE IN RELATIONSHIPS.

IT MAKES THEM SEEM DEDICATED.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, I GOT IT.

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU
THINK YOU'RE DOING?

WHAT? ALL COMMITTED
COUPLES DO THIS.

MY PARENTS DO IT ALL THE TIME.

OH, HERE WE GO.

ANOTHER STORY OF
GRAB-ASSING AT THE DUNVILLES'.

I COULDN'T HAVE ASKED
FOR A BETTER NIGHT.

PETE, COULD YOU GIVE ME A HAND?

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

TONIGHT IS GONNA BE
PERFECT. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I WOULDN'T THANK ME JUST YET.

WHOA, IRENE, THAT
IS SUCH A HOT TATTOO!

YOU SHOULD HAVE WALKED
IN HERE BACKWARDS!

THANK YOU, PETER.

IT'S JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING
I HAD DONE ON A TRIP TO INDIA.

IRENE, YOU PROMISED
THAT I WAS THE ONLY ONE

WHO COULD VIEW THE
TIGER OF TEMPTATION.

JUST BE GLAD I
DIDN'T GET THE DRESS

THAT SHOWS OFF THE COBRA.

OFF TO MINGLE. YAH-DA-DA... ALON

ASHLEY, COULD YOU COME
HERE FOR A SECOND, PLEASE?

COULDN'T YOU HAVE POINTED IRENE
TOWARDS A DRESS WITH A BACK?

OH, YES, I COULD HAVE,

BUT I WANTED SOMETHING
THAT SAID "GRRR."

LOOK, I WANT STANFORD.
YOU'RE MY COMPETITION.

TAKE THE RESIDENCY!
I DON'T WANT IT!

ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS SPEND
A ROMANTIC EVENING WITH IRENE,

BUT IT'S A LITTLE DIFFICULT

WHEN EVERYONE THINKS
SHE'S THE ENTERTAINMENT.

LOOK AT THAT.

SHE'S ALREADY IN
WITH DR. RICHARDS.

DID HE JUST GIVE HER A DOLLAR?

COME ON, COME ON, COME ON,
COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

OKAY, COME ON. GET IN HERE.

I AM SORRY.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE
OUR ANNIVERSARY MEMORABLE.

I'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER IT
AS THE NIGHT YOU WET MY BED

AND ALMOST GOT ME FIRED.

YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY,

I THOUGHT I WAS BEING
PRETTY DARN CUTE.

WHY COULDN'T YOU BE
CUTE TOMORROW NIGHT?

BECAUSE TOMORROW NIGHT
IS NOT OUR ANNIVERSARY.

DON'T YOU CARE THAT
NOTHING TURNS OUT FOR US

THE WAY THAT IT'S SUPPOSED TO?

WE GOT MARRIED ON A ROOF,
OUR HOUSE BURNED DOWN,

AND I'M SPENDING MY
ANNIVERSARY IN AN AMBULANCE.

WELL, THE WAY I LOOK AT IT IS
I MARRIED THE WOMAN I LOVE,

WE WEREN'T IN OUR HOUSE
WHEN IT BURNED DOWN,

AND EVERYTHING I WANT IN LIFE
IS RIGHT HERE IN THIS AMBULANCE.

AND I'M NOT JUST
TALKING ABOUT THE C.B.

WELL, WHEN YOU PUT
IT THAT WAY... YEAH.

I'D BE LYING IF I SAID

IT WASN'T THE BEST
YEAR OF MY LIFE.

GOD... HOW'D I GET SO LUCKY?

JUST WAIT AND CHECK THIS OUT.

I WROTE YOU A POEM.

"I LOOK BACK OVER MY LIFE,
AND I THINK OF MY HOT WIFE."

AWW. GO ON.

WELL, THAT'S IT.

THIS PARTY SUCKS!

YOU KNOW, IF I HAD MY OWN BOAT,

I'D LET OTHER PEOPLE
TAKE A TURN AT THE WHEEL.

OKAY, DR. SPAWN, YOU START.

RIGHT! OKAY!

OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH.

IRENE, CAN I HAVE A
WORD WITH YOU, PLEASE?

THANK YOU. CARRY ON.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I GOT THESE GUYS
EATING OUT OF MY HANDS!

SIT DOWN FOR A SECOND HERE.

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE WITH ME,

YET YOU'RE TALKING TO
EVERY OTHER PERSON.

I'M DOING THIS FOR YOU.
WHAT ABOUT THE RESIDENCY?

SCREW THE RESIDENCY! I
WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU.

OH, SO YOU BROUGHT ME HERE
TO ROMANCE ME AND WIN ME BACK.

YEAH!

I GUESS I'M JUST AN OLD SOFTY.

SO YOU LIED TO ME.

WELL, YEAH...

AREN'T OUR ISSUES ABOUT TRUST?

WAIT, YOU'RE GOING SO FAST!

FINALLY, DR. RICHARDS HAS
TORN HIMSELF FROM IRENE.

IT'S SHOWTIME.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, HOW
LONG HAVE WE BEEN DATING?

AND DO WE SWING?

I KNEW THIS WAS A MISTAKE.

YOU WANTED THE BEST,
SO YOU CAME TO THE BEST.

I WANTED THE BEST,
BUT HE WAS BUSY.

WHAT?

I ASKED A BUNCH OF
GUYS, BUT THEY WERE BUS

I WAS GONNA GET AN
ESCORT, BUT I SPENT SO MUCH

ON THIS DRESS THAT
I SETTLED ON YOU.

COME ON, COME ON, PUT
YOUR ARM AROUND ME.

HERE THEY COME!

NO, NO, I'M NOT GONNA
TAKE THIS FROM YOU.

OKAY, FINE, YOU CAN
PUT IT ON MY ASS AGAIN.

JUST LOOK LIKE YOU LIKE ME.

NO. IT'S FLAT, AND I
DON'T WANT TO HELP YOU.

LOOK, I KNOW WE DON'T
ALWAYS GET ALONG,

BUT MY FUTURE IS IN YOUR HANDS.

THEN YOU SHOULD
HAVE BEEN NICER TO ME.

WELL, YOU MUST BE DR. WALKER.

OH, YES, I AM.

I'M DR. RICHARDS,

AND THIS IS MY WIFE
OF 43 YEARS, VALERIE.

IT'S A PLEASURE TO
MEET THE BOTH OF YO

NICE TO MEET YOU, TOO.

DR. AND MRS. RICHARDS,

I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE
PETER DUNVILLE.

HE'S MY BOYFRIEND.

NO, I'M NOT.

- YES, YOU ARE.
- NO, I'M NOT.

YES, WELL, ACTUALLY
I'M HER SOUL MATE.

OH, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL!

SO, MR. DUNVILLE,

HOW DO YOU FEEL
ABOUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND

AH-AH-AH... SOUL MATE.

YES... SOUL MATE...

POSSIBLY MOVING
ACROSS THE COUNTRY?

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU, FROM
THE MOMENT I MET ASHLEY,

SHE'S DONE NOTHING
BUT MAKE ME HAPPY,

SO IF STANFORD IS
WHAT SHE WANTS,

THEN THAT'S WHAT I WANT FOR HER.

YOU ARE SO SWEET.

I HOPE I DIDN'T
EMBARRASS YOU, DEAR.

OH, MRS. RICHARDS,

I DO BELIEVE THEY'RE
PLAYING OUR SONG.

WHO'S THE BES?

WHOO!

NOW, THAT'S A HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.

YOU REALLY LIKED THAT
POEM. I'M GONNA MEMORIZE IT.

THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR COMING DOWN HERE.

THIS IS THE BEST
ANNIVERSARY EVER.

OH, GOD.

I THINK I JUST
RADIOED FOR BACKUP.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

WHOA, WHOA, GUYS, WHOA!

LOOKS LIKE I'M
WORKING NEW YEAR'S.

HERE. IT'S COLD OUT.

LET'S PUT THE TIGER
BACK UNDER THE BIG TOP.

JUST GO AWAY.

WHY DID YOU EVEN AGREE
TO COME WITH ME TONIGHT?

I TOLD YOU... TO HELP
YOU GET YOUR RESIDENCY.

AND THE "WILD KINGDOM"
DRESS HELPS ME HOW?

ALL RIGHT, I WORE IT

BECAUSE I KNEW IT
WOULD GET ATTENTION

AND SHOW YOU HOW DESIRABLE I AM.

FEW MEN CAN ESCAPE
THE POWER OF EL TIGRE.

SO YOU TRIED TO MAKE ME JEALOUS.

YEAH... "TRIED."

"IRENE, COULD I TALK
TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?"

I DON'T SOUND LIKE THAT.

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE YOU FEEL

THE WAY YOU MADE ME FEEL.

I'M... I'M SO SORRY, ALL RIGHT?

I JUST THOUGHT THAT IF
I COULD GET YOU HERE,

ALL DRESSED UP UNDER THE MOONLIG

YOU'D FIND IT IN YOUR
HEART TO FORGIVE ME.

AND YOU THOUGHT THAT
BUYING ME SOME $600 DRESS

WOULD MAKE ME FORGET
ABOUT YOU KISSING THAT WOMAN?

$600?

THAT'S S-SO MUCH MONEY
FOR SO LITTLE FABRIC.

I'M TRYING HERE. WHAT
DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

I DON'T KNOW IF THERE'S
ANYTHING YOU CAN DO.

ONCE THE TRUST IS
GONE, THERE'S NOTHING,

AND ONCE AGAIN,

YOU'VE PROVEN THAT YOU
ARE NOT WORTHY OF MY TRUST.

IRENE, WAIT.

IF I GAVE YOU 1,000 KISSES

WOULD YOU GIVE ME 1,001?

YOU WATCH TOO MANY MOVIES, BERG.

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE THING...

IF THE CAPTAIN ASKS,

I'VE BEEN STANDING
HERE ALL NIGHT.

WHERE'S ASHLEY?

WHO CARES?

FOR A SECOND THERE, I
THOUGHT THERE WAS SOMETHING

BEHIND HER ASKING
ME HERE TONIGHT,

BUT ONCE AGAIN,

I WAS USED TO MAKE
A WOMAN LOOK GOOD.

WHERE'S IRENE?

SHE'S RIGHT DOWN THERE,
LOWERING HERSELF INTO A DINGHY.

I SHOULD PROBABLY
GO TELL SOMEBODY.

HEY, PETE.

HEY.

WHY AREN'T YOU IN THERE
GETTING YOUR RESIDENCY?

I DON'T KNOW.

SOMETHING TOLD ME I SHOULD
BE OUT HERE LOOKING FOR YOU.

REALLY?

NO, I ALREADY GOT IT.

CONGRATULATIONS.

REALLY, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

DR. AND MRS. RICHARDS
JUST LOVED YOU.

YEAH, I KNOW.

SHE GAVE ME HER NUMBER
AND TOLD ME HE TRAVELS A LOT.

HUH.

WHAT?

BERG WAS WATCHING THIS OLD MOVIE

ABOUT A COUPLE ON
A BOAT JUST LIKE THIS.

IT'S SAPPY.

AND CORNY.

WHAT HAPPENED?

YOU KNOW, THEY
DANCED, OF COURSE.

OF COURSE.

YOU WANNA?

OKAY.

SO, YOU'RE GOING TO CALIFORNIA.

YEAH, LOOKS LIKE IT
WORKED OUT FOR BOTH OF US.

HOW'S THAT?

WELL, I GET A RESIDENCY,
AND YOU GET RID OF ME.

JUST THINK, I ONLY NEEDED
ONE MORE NAME ON MY PETITION

TO GET YOU KICKED
OUT OF THE BUILDING.

IT'S A SHAME YOU CAN'T WRITE
OR YOU COULD HAVE SIGNED IT.

YOU KNOW, FOR
SOMEONE WHO JUST GOT

ONE OF THE BEST
RESIDENCIES IN THE COUNTRY,

YOU DON'T SEEM VERY HAPPY.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT? OF COURSE I'M HAPPY.

IT'S SOMETHING I'VE
ALWAYS WANTED.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES
THE EXCITING PART

IS TRYING TO GET
THE THING YOU WANT,

AND THEN ONCE YOU GET IT,
YOU REALIZE IT'S NOT THAT GREAT.

SO YOU START THINKING,

"MAYBE IT'S BEST TO
JUST KEEP WANTING IT."

WE ARE TALKING ABOUT
THE RESIDENCY, AREN'T WE?

I DON'T KNOW.

OH, HEY, THERE'S THE CAPTAIN.

WHATCHA DOIN'?

THAT MOVIE'S ON AGAIN.
I NEVER SAW THE END.

THERE YOU ARE.

YOU KISSED ANOTHER
WOMAN, DIDN'T YOU?

I HAD TO. SHE
CALLED ME "DARLING."

YOU'RE A DIRTY-ROTTEN,
WENCH-KISSING SCALLYWAG,

AND I WANT NOTHING
TO DO WITH YOU.

UH-OH.

EILEEN, NO!

AH!

AH!

EEE!

I'M GONNA GO LOCK THE DOOR.