Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 4, Episode 11 - Burning Down the House - full transcript
Berg's recently divorced mother comes to stay and he is unable to cope with her carefree attitude. Johnny finally finishes a room of their house but a fire burns down all his work. Pete suspects that Johnny burnt it down for the money.
HEY, JOHNNY. UH-HUH?
DID YOU KNOW THAT,
CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF,
THE SMELL OF SMOKE MAY
NOT ACTUALLY WAKE YOU?
THAT'S WHY WE HAVE
SMOKE DETECTORS.
BECAUSE SMOKE DETECTORS,
JOHNNY, WHAT DO THEY DO?
THEY SAVE LIVES.
THEY SAVE LIVES!
SEE, THE SMOKE AND
THE POISONOUS GASES
CAN ACTUALLY NUMB THE SENSES,
LULLING YOU INTO A DEEPER SLEEP.
KIND OF LIKE THIS CONVERSATION.
THAT'S SHARON.
I WANT HER TO SEE
THIS ROOM PERFECT.
GET RID OF THE BOXES.
Aah!
HALLELUJAH!
I THOUGHT THIS DAY
WOULD NEVER COME.
IT'S FINISHED,
AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
YEAH, I KNOW.
ALL THESE FIXTURES...
THEY'RE ALL ANTIQUES,
ALL EXTREMELY RARE,
EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE,
WHICH I GOT AT TARGET.
I, UM, I, UH, INSTALLED
THE SMOKE DETECTORS.
WHATEVER.
GOD, I LOVE THIS PLACE.
IT ONLY TOOK SIX MONTHS.
AND 80 FIGHTS.
IT'S GREAT! LOOK AT IT!
YOU WANT TO ENTERTAIN,
YOU USE THIS ROOM.
YOU WANT TO HANG OUT WITH
JUNKIES AND PEE ON THE FLOOR,
YOU USE THIS ROOM.
WHEN ARE WE GONNA
GET STARTED ON THE REST?
FUNNY STORY ABOUT
THE SITTING ROOM.
IT TOOK UP A LITTLE
MORE OF OUR SAVINGS
THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD.
OH... OKAY. HOW MUCH MORE?
ALL OF IT MORE.
W-WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
THAT WE HAVE NO
MONEY? THAT WE'RE BROKE?
BUT IT'S FULL OF LOVE.
JOHNNY!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
FOR THOSE OF YOU
KEEPING SCORE, 81 FIGHTS.
JEEZ, THIS HOUSE HAS
BEEN NOTHING BUT TROUBLE.
NO, SWEETIE,
LISTEN, DON'T WORRY.
I GOT US INTO THIS MESS.
I WILL GET US OUT OF IT.
I SWEAR TO GOD. I'LL
DO WHATEVER IT TAKES.
I'M SURE IT'S GONNA
BE ALL RIGHT, GUYS.
HERE YOU GO.
WHAT'S THAT?
THAT'S A BILL FOR THE
SMOKE DETECTORS.
HEY, LOOK WHO'S HERE.
HEY, MRS. BERGEN!
PETE, YOU LOOK GREAT.
YEAH, I KNOW.
IT'S TWO MONTHS SINCE HALLOWEEN.
YOU CAN TAKE OFF
YOUR COSTUME NOW.
OH, NO. I'M A FIREMAN NOW.
BUT YOU'RE NOT WORKING.
NO.
IT'S A GOOD THING
YOU'RE NOT A CLOWN.
YOU TWO SHOULD GO ON THE ROAD.
I'LL JUST GET MY OWN BAGS.
MOM, PLEASE, LIFT
WITH YOUR KNEES.
WOW! WOW, YOUR MOM LOOKS...
HORRIBLE, I KNOW.
THE DIVORCE HAS BEEN
REALLY HARD ON HER,
SO I JUST WANTED TO
SHOW HER A GOOD TIME.
IT'S GONNA BORE ME INTO A COMA,
BUT I'M GONNA TAKE
HER TO THE MUSEUMS...
AND THEN YOU HAVE
TO GO TO CAFE MAURICE
AND TRY THE CRèME BRûLéE.
BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE
ALL US FIREMEN GET OUR...
PASTRIES.
BYE, MS. BERGEN.
SO, WHAT'S ON THE
AGENDA TONIGHT?
WELL, I THOUGHT WE'D CHECK
OUT THE FINE ARTS MUSEUM.
APPARENTLY THERE'S
A DISPLAY OF...
FINE ART.
YAWN.
WHAT? THAT'S THE SORT OF
STUFF YOU AND DAD USED TO DO.
MICHAEL, IT'S TIME YOU
KNEW. YOUR DAD'S A GEEK.
OKAY.
WELL, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?
LET'S GET DRUNK.
I'M SORRY.
WHEN DID YOU START DRINKING?
ABOUT 10:00 THIS MORNING.
OKAY, THAT'S CUTE
WHEN I DO IT, BUT...
ALL RIGHT, FINE.
WE'LL GO HAVE ONE DRINK,
AND THEN WE'LL GO CHECK
OUT THE ICE SCULPTURES.
YEAH, OR WE COULD GET AN
ICICLE AND JAM IT IN MY EYE.
THERE'S MY BABY BOY.
AND THERE'S THE LADY
WHO WAS DANCING TO "FEVER"
ON TOP OF THE BAR LAST NIGHT.
TILL YOU PULLED ME
OFF, PARTY POOPER.
YOU START WEARING SLACKS,
YOU CAN DANCE IN
ANY BAR YOU WANT.
MRS. BERGEN?
ASHLEY.
HEY, MAN, YOUR NEW CHICK IS HOT.
SHE IS MY MOTHER.
SHE IS NOT HOT.
SHE IS WARM AND SNUGGLY.
BUT SHE'S LIKE A 9.
WATCH WHAT YOU SAY AROUND HER.
THEY JUST GOT DIVORCED.
OH... SO SHE'S, LIKE,
AVAILABLE, HUH?
SO, ARE YOU READY
TO GO TO DINNER?
AW, YOU KNOW WHAT? I CAN'T.
I'M NOT GETTING TO
LEAVE UNTIL 10:00.
I'M SORRY.
WHY DON'T WE HAVE DINNER? OKAY.
ABSOLUTELY NOT. HI. UH, NO.
SEE, MY MOTHER
AND MY EX-GIRLFRIEND
ARE NOT GOING OUT.
WHY?
I DON'T KNOW. IT'S CREEPY.
IF YOU'RE GONNA TALK ME UP,
AT LEAST INTRODUCE ME.
OH, I CANNOT BELIEVE MY
MOTHER'S STAYING OUT ALL HOURS.
WHAT THE HELL'S GOTTEN INTO HER?
I'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE.
SHE'S IN HER TERRIBLE 40s.
Woman: UNIT 12, WHAT'S YOUR 20?
TALKING TO LONELY
TRUCKERS AGAIN?
NO.
I WANT TO GO TO
WHERE THE FIRES ARE.
GAIN EXPERIENCE UP CLOSE.
I'LL SHOVE YOUR
HEAD IN THE OVEN.
YOU KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN.
THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
MY PARENTS ARE STILL MARRIED.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
Sharon: OH... FIVE AFTER 11:00.
I TOLD HER 10:30.
HI, MIKE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
I MUST HAVE FORGOTTEN
TO WIND MY WATCH.
OH, THE UNWOUND-WATCH TRICK.
YOU GOT THAT FROM ME!
THESE TWO GENTLEMEN WERE
KIND ENOUGH TO WALK US HOME.
THIS IS MARCEL,
AND THIS IS STANLEY.
SO MAYBE WE'LL SEE YOU
GUYS AGAIN TOMORROW NIGHT.
IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU, MARCEL.
GREAT. UM, SO...
THIS IS GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT, STANLEY.
GOOD NIGHT, MICHAEL.
GOOD NIGHT, STANLEY.
COULD WE HAVE A MOMENT, PLEASE?
ABSOLUTELY.
MOM, I THINK THE
MEN NEED TO TALK.
SO... STANLEY...
WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?
I TEACH HIGH SCHOOL ENGLISH.
THAT'S VERY RESPECTABLE.
WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
OVER IN NEWBURY.
OOH, THAT'S A HIP NEIGHBORHOOD.
YOU MUST BE THE COOL TEACHER.
WHAT DO YOU DRIVE?
I HAVE A MINIVAN.
ALSO KNOWN AS A SHAGGIN' WAGON.
I DON'T THINK SO, STANLEY.
YOU JUST PEDDLE YOUR
FILTH SOMEPLACE ELSE.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
HE WAS A NICE GUY.
THAT WAS JUST RUDE.
HE'S ALWAYS RUDE.
I DON'T THINK YOU
RAISED HIM RIGHT.
WE HAD A WONDERFUL
EVENING UNTIL I BROKE CURFEW.
OKAY, MOM, I'M ONLY
GONNA SAY THIS ONCE.
I DON'T LIKE YOUR NEW FRIENDS.
THAT ASHLEY GIRL...
NOTHING BUT TROUBLE.
MICHAEL, LIGHTEN UP.
I'M GOING TO SPEND TIME
WITH WHOEVER I WANT.
I THINK I'VE HEARD ENOUGH.
WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS TOMORROW.
GO TO MY ROOM.
GOOD NIGHT, KIDS.
GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT.
I CANNOT HANDLE HER
ANYMORE. SHE'S OUT OF CONTROL.
OH, BERG...
SHE'S JUST TRYING
TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN.
YOU KNOW WHAT FUN LEADS TO.
LAUGHTER. HAPPY MEMORIES.
SHUT UP.
WE HAVE A 12-11 IN PROGRESS.
ALL UNITS IN THE VICINITY
OF PAUL REVERE HIGH SCHOOL.
FIRE! WHO WANTS TO GO?
REPEAT. 2-ALARM FIRE
AT 106 DEVON ROAD.
106 DEVON... OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD! THAT'S MY HOUSE!
WHAT? I LEFT MY DRILL THERE!
HEY!
YOU GOT TO STAY
ON THE OTHER SIDE.
OH, NO, NO, NO. IT'S OKAY.
DUNVILLE WITH THE
54th. STAND DOWN.
HEY! HOW COOL WAS THAT?
IT'S LIKE HAVING A
BACKSTAGE PASS TO FIRES.
SORRY I'M NOT EXCITED,
BUT MY HOUSE JUST
BURNED TO THE GROUND.
YEAH, BUT MOST PEOPLE
HAVE TO WATCH FROM THE CURB.
SHARON!
SORRY, SIR... NO, NO, NO.
IT'S COOL. Come on!
I GOT YOUR MESSAGE.
ARE YOU OKAY?
OH, MY GOD!
IT'S GONE.
IT IS COMPLETELY GONE.
OH, HONEY...
HEY, JOHNNY, I'M
REALLY SORRY, MAN.
THANKS.
LISTEN, WHY DON'T I
LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE
FOR A LITTLE WHILE?
HEY! DUNVILLE WITH THE 54th.
WHEN ARE WE GONNA
PLAY YOU GUYS IN SOFTBALL?
JEEZ... LOOK AT
THE SITTING ROOM.
YOU DIDN'T EVEN
GET TO SIT IN IT.
YEAH.
OH, BABY...
ALL YOUR HARD WORK
AND DREAMS FOR US...
IT'S OKAY. YOU DO NOT
HAVE TO BE BRAVE FOR ME.
JUST GO ON. LET IT
OUT. JUST LET IT OUT.
THIS IS SO GREAT!
UH... UH... W-W-WHAT?
OH, HONEY, WE WERE SO SCREWED.
I SANK EVERY PENNY
WE HAD INTO THIS PLACE.
THE MORE I SPENT, THE MORE
IT JUST KEPT SUCKING ME IN,
THIS WAS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE
I EVER MADE, AND NOW IT'S GONE!
WE'RE FULLY INSURED. WE
GET ALL OF OUR MONEY BACK.
W-WE GET ALL OUR MONEY BACK?!
GOD BLESS THE FIRE
THAT RAVAGED THIS HOME!
LET'S CELEBRATE. OKAY.
HOW ABOUT BARBECUE?
BARBECUE!
OH, HEY. DUNVILLE WITH THE 54th.
O'HANLEY, FIRE INSPECTOR.
ANY IDEA WHAT
CAUSED HER TO GO UP?
I'LL KNOW BETTER
IN THE LIGHT OF DAY.
NO ONE WAS LIVING HERE
SO THAT RULES OUT
THINGS LIKE IRONS, CANDLES,
AND SO FORTH.
IT COULD BE ELECTRICAL.
I WOULDN'T RULE OUT ARSON.
REALLY? W-WHO WOULD
WANT TO DO THAT?
YOU'D BE SURPRISED.
IT'S A SICK WORLD OUT THERE.
HEY.
YOU MIND? WE JUST
SUFFERED A GREAT LOSS.
I'M GONNA GET
RIGHT TO THE POINT.
I KNOW YOU BURNED
YOUR HOUSE DOWN.
YOU'RE SITTING ON A FIG NEWTON.
LAUGH IT UP, FIRE BUG.
YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS. I AM.
ARSON IS THE FIFTH LEADING
CAUSE OF DEATH IN THIS COUNTRY.
OR IT'S HEART DISEASE.
I CAN'T REMEMBER.
IT WAS A QUICK READ.
I HAD NOTHING TO
DO WITH THAT FIRE.
I WAS AT MY MOTHER'S.
YOUR MOTHER'S... WHAT
WERE YOU DOING THERE?
DRINKING AT YOUR MOTHER'S HOUSE?
SHE'S HARD TO TAKE.
SO, IF I WAS TO
CALL HER RIGHT NOW,
SHE'D BACK UP YOUR STORY?
WHO? YOUR MOM.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH
MY MOM'S PHONE NUMBER?
CUT THE CRAP, ALL RIGHT?
'CAUSE THERE'S GONNA
BE AN INVESTIGATION
AND THEY'LL GO EASIER ON
YOU IF YOU JUST COME CLEAN.
PETE, HE SAID HE DIDN'T DO IT.
WITH YOU BUSTING HIS
HUMP 24 HOURS A DAY...
"JOHNNY, WHY DID
YOU BUY THAT DUMP?"
"JOHNNY, WE HAVE NO MONEY."
"BABY, BABY, BABY,
WE LIVE IN A BASEMENT."
OH, MY GOD, HE DID DO IT.
I DIDN'T!
YOU HAVE TO HELP HIM.
EVEN IF I WANTED TO, I CAN'T
UNLESS I KNOW HOW HE DID IT.
I DIDN'T DO IT.
PETE, YOU HAVE BEEN MY FRIEND
LONG BEFORE YOU WERE A FIREMAN.
PLEASE, HELP US.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
I'LL GO OVER THERE,
AND I'LL CLEAN UP YOUR MESS.
BUT I'M DOING IT FOR
HER, NOT FOR YOU.
YOU BELIEVE ME, DON'T YOU?
OH, BABY...
I'LL WAIT FOR YOU.
HEY, BERG.
THERE YOU ARE.
I HEARD ABOUT SHARON AND
JOHNNY'S HOUSE. HOW ARE THEY?
HOW ARE THEY?
OKAY, THEIR HOUSE BURNED
DOWN. I'LL GIVE THEM THAT.
BUT WHILE THAT WAS HAPPENING,
YOU WERE GALLIVANTING
AROUND TOWN WITH MY MOTHER.
SO, THE QUESTION
IS "HOW IS BERG?"
AND HE'S NOT DOING TOO GOOD.
BERG, WE HAD A GREAT
TIME. WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
I DON'T WANT YOU HANGING
OUT WITH MY MOTHER ANYMORE.
I'M GLAD YOU SAID THIS.
IT'LL GIVE US SOMETHING
TO LAUGH ABOUT
LOOK, LOOK, I AM SERIOUS.
I DON'T WANT YOU
TAKING HER PLACES.
I DON'T WANT HER MEETING MEN,
ESPECIALLY THE TYPE OF
FREAKS YOU GO OUT WITH.
BERG, YOUR MOTHER'S AN ADULT.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD
START ACTING LIKE ONE, TOO.
I AM AN ADULT.
AND AS AN ADULT, I'M
GOING TO SAY THIS ONCE
SO I'LL MAKE MYSELF
PERFECTLY CLEAR.
I'M HER LITTLE BOY.
SHE'S MY MOMMY.
THAT'S THE WAY
WE'RE GONNA KEEP IT.
AAH!
OH, GOOD, INSPECTOR, IT'S YOU.
AND I THOUGHT THAT
MAYBE IT WAS, YOU KNOW...
LOOTERS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HERE, DUNVILLE?
OH, I'M JUST LOOKING AROUND.
I'M ALWAYS HUMBLED BY FIRE.
HOW SHE CAN BE SO
HELPFUL YET SO HURTFUL.
WELL SAID.
SO, UM, DID YOU FIGURE
OUT WHAT STARTED IT?
YES, I DID.
REALLY? WHAT?
I'LL SHOW YOU.
SOMEONE PUT SOME
FLAMMABLE MATERIAL...
PAPER, CARDBOARD,
AND SO FORTH...
WHEN IT KICKED ON,
HOT TIME IN OLD TOWN.
"HOT TIME IN OLD TOWN."
THAT'S VERY POETIC, SIR.
I DON'T SHOW THAT SIDE OFTEN.
W-WAIT A MINUTE. I'M CONFUSED.
WHAT'S THE FURNACE DOING THERE?
SHOULDN'T IT BE IN THE BASEMENT?
NO. IT WAS RIGHT HERE.
THERE WAS A WALL,
AND THEY PUT IT RIGHT
BEHIND A LITTLE DOOR.
O-O-OH!
OH.
OH, SO, UH, SO THAT CARDBOARD...
THAT COULD HAVE BEEN
LIKE A SHOE BOX OR
A CEREAL BOX OR...
YOU KNOW, A SMOKE DETECTOR BOX?
GOOD WORK, DUNVILLE.
ALL FINE EXAMPLES OF CARDBOARD.
SO, UH... ANY IDEA WHO DID IT?
WELL, THERE'S NOT
ENOUGH EVIDENCE
TO PIN IT ON ANYONE.
OH, SO CASE CLOSED, RIGHT?
NO CLUES. CASE CLOSED.
YEAH, BUT IF I HAD TO GUESS,
IT WAS EITHER AN
EXTREMELY CLEVER ARSONIST
OR SOMEONE WHO KNOWS
NOTHING ABOUT FIRE PREVENTION.
WELL, THEN, I GUESS THAT
RULES OUT YOU AND ME, HUH?
THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT.
YOU AND ME ON A SATURDAY
NIGHT. HOW DOES CHECKERS SOUND?
MICHAEL, I'M GOING OUT. I
WISH YOU'D COME WITH US.
US?
ASHLEY AND I ARE
MEETING SOME FRIENDS.
WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU
THINK YOU'RE DOING?
I'M BEING A WOMAN.
WELL, STOP.
MICHAEL, LISTEN TO ME.
JUST BECAUSE YOUR FATHER
LEFT TO FIND A NEW LIFE
DOESN'T MEAN MY LIFE HAS TO END.
APPARENTLY, I'M STILL HOT.
YEAH, BUT YOU WERE HOT WITH DAD
AND THERE WAS, LIKE, ORDER,
INTO SOME WILD
WOMAN ON THE TOWN...
WHO I WORRY ABOUT.
I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING
TO SAY IS I DON'T KNOW WHO...
I DON'T KNOW WHO TO BE WITH YOU.
OKAY.
HOW ABOUT WE STAY HOME,
AND I MAKE YOU DINNER INSTEAD?
NO, NO, NO. I'M FINE.
REALLY. GO HAVE FUN.
MAC AND CHEESE, YOUR FAVORITE.
THE KIND WITH WAGON WHEELS?
YOU GO PUT ON YOUR
JAMMIES, AND I'LL GET STARTED.
OKAY.
YOU GO AHEAD. I'LL
MEET YOU THERE.
HE ALWAYS FALLS ASLEEP
RIGHT AFTER MAC AND CHEESE.
HEY, JOHNNY. HEY.
SO THERE'S NO NEED TO THANK ME.
WHAT FAVOR? I
DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
TALK ABOUT UNGRATEFUL.
OKAY, YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHERE I WAS THAT NIGHT?
MAKE A LITTLE EXTRA CASH,
PAY OFF MY CREDIT CARDS.
WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST
TELL SHARON THAT?
BECAUSE I'VE GOT MY PRIDE.
I GOT US INTO THIS MESS.
I WANTED TO GET US OUT.
YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE A
HERO IN YOUR WIFE'S EYES.
YEAH, WELL, YOU CAN START
BY NOT SOUNDING
LIKE SUCH A SISSY.
A REAL MAN WOULD
IGNORE THAT COMMENT
LISTEN, DON'T TELL
SHARON I DIDN'T DO IT.
SHE'S BEEN SO GOOD
SINCE SHE PUSHED ME
INTO A LIFE OF CRIME.
IT'S SO SWEET HOW YOU GUYS
DON'T TELL EACH OTHER ANYTHING.
HOW DID THE FIRE START ANYWAY?
THE TRUTH?
YEAH.
IT WAS YOUR LIGHT FIXTURE.
YEAH.
NO WAY.
IT HAPPENS ALL THE
TIME. DON'T FEEL BAD.
AND NEXT THING YOU KNOW...
HOT TIME IN OLD TOWN.
THAT'S VERY POETIC.
THANKS.
I DON'T SHOW THAT SIDE OFTEN.
I CANNOT BELIEVE MY MOM...
STAYING OUT ALL HOURS.
I'M OKAY!
WHAT TIME IS IT?
MMM!
I'LL TELL YOU.
IT'S FIVE AFTER 11:00, RIGHT?
RIGHT.
THERE'S A BEAUTIFUL
DISPLAY OF...
F-FINE ART.
YAWN.
W-W-WHAT?
I TH-THOUGHT THAT YOU
AND DAD ALWAYS D-D-DID...
THAT'S ALL FOLKS.
Director: ACTION!
TAKE YOUR OWN CUE.
I WILL AS SOON AS I SWALLOW.
IF I ONLY HAD A NICKEL...
DID YOU KNOW THAT,
CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF,
THE SMELL OF SMOKE MAY
NOT ACTUALLY WAKE YOU?
THAT'S WHY WE HAVE
SMOKE DETECTORS.
BECAUSE SMOKE DETECTORS,
JOHNNY, WHAT DO THEY DO?
THEY SAVE LIVES.
THEY SAVE LIVES!
SEE, THE SMOKE AND
THE POISONOUS GASES
CAN ACTUALLY NUMB THE SENSES,
LULLING YOU INTO A DEEPER SLEEP.
KIND OF LIKE THIS CONVERSATION.
THAT'S SHARON.
I WANT HER TO SEE
THIS ROOM PERFECT.
GET RID OF THE BOXES.
Aah!
HALLELUJAH!
I THOUGHT THIS DAY
WOULD NEVER COME.
IT'S FINISHED,
AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
YEAH, I KNOW.
ALL THESE FIXTURES...
THEY'RE ALL ANTIQUES,
ALL EXTREMELY RARE,
EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE,
WHICH I GOT AT TARGET.
I, UM, I, UH, INSTALLED
THE SMOKE DETECTORS.
WHATEVER.
GOD, I LOVE THIS PLACE.
IT ONLY TOOK SIX MONTHS.
AND 80 FIGHTS.
IT'S GREAT! LOOK AT IT!
YOU WANT TO ENTERTAIN,
YOU USE THIS ROOM.
YOU WANT TO HANG OUT WITH
JUNKIES AND PEE ON THE FLOOR,
YOU USE THIS ROOM.
WHEN ARE WE GONNA
GET STARTED ON THE REST?
FUNNY STORY ABOUT
THE SITTING ROOM.
IT TOOK UP A LITTLE
MORE OF OUR SAVINGS
THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD.
OH... OKAY. HOW MUCH MORE?
ALL OF IT MORE.
W-WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
THAT WE HAVE NO
MONEY? THAT WE'RE BROKE?
BUT IT'S FULL OF LOVE.
JOHNNY!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
FOR THOSE OF YOU
KEEPING SCORE, 81 FIGHTS.
JEEZ, THIS HOUSE HAS
BEEN NOTHING BUT TROUBLE.
NO, SWEETIE,
LISTEN, DON'T WORRY.
I GOT US INTO THIS MESS.
I WILL GET US OUT OF IT.
I SWEAR TO GOD. I'LL
DO WHATEVER IT TAKES.
I'M SURE IT'S GONNA
BE ALL RIGHT, GUYS.
HERE YOU GO.
WHAT'S THAT?
THAT'S A BILL FOR THE
SMOKE DETECTORS.
HEY, LOOK WHO'S HERE.
HEY, MRS. BERGEN!
PETE, YOU LOOK GREAT.
YEAH, I KNOW.
IT'S TWO MONTHS SINCE HALLOWEEN.
YOU CAN TAKE OFF
YOUR COSTUME NOW.
OH, NO. I'M A FIREMAN NOW.
BUT YOU'RE NOT WORKING.
NO.
IT'S A GOOD THING
YOU'RE NOT A CLOWN.
YOU TWO SHOULD GO ON THE ROAD.
I'LL JUST GET MY OWN BAGS.
MOM, PLEASE, LIFT
WITH YOUR KNEES.
WOW! WOW, YOUR MOM LOOKS...
HORRIBLE, I KNOW.
THE DIVORCE HAS BEEN
REALLY HARD ON HER,
SO I JUST WANTED TO
SHOW HER A GOOD TIME.
IT'S GONNA BORE ME INTO A COMA,
BUT I'M GONNA TAKE
HER TO THE MUSEUMS...
AND THEN YOU HAVE
TO GO TO CAFE MAURICE
AND TRY THE CRèME BRûLéE.
BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE
ALL US FIREMEN GET OUR...
PASTRIES.
BYE, MS. BERGEN.
SO, WHAT'S ON THE
AGENDA TONIGHT?
WELL, I THOUGHT WE'D CHECK
OUT THE FINE ARTS MUSEUM.
APPARENTLY THERE'S
A DISPLAY OF...
FINE ART.
YAWN.
WHAT? THAT'S THE SORT OF
STUFF YOU AND DAD USED TO DO.
MICHAEL, IT'S TIME YOU
KNEW. YOUR DAD'S A GEEK.
OKAY.
WELL, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?
LET'S GET DRUNK.
I'M SORRY.
WHEN DID YOU START DRINKING?
ABOUT 10:00 THIS MORNING.
OKAY, THAT'S CUTE
WHEN I DO IT, BUT...
ALL RIGHT, FINE.
WE'LL GO HAVE ONE DRINK,
AND THEN WE'LL GO CHECK
OUT THE ICE SCULPTURES.
YEAH, OR WE COULD GET AN
ICICLE AND JAM IT IN MY EYE.
THERE'S MY BABY BOY.
AND THERE'S THE LADY
WHO WAS DANCING TO "FEVER"
ON TOP OF THE BAR LAST NIGHT.
TILL YOU PULLED ME
OFF, PARTY POOPER.
YOU START WEARING SLACKS,
YOU CAN DANCE IN
ANY BAR YOU WANT.
MRS. BERGEN?
ASHLEY.
HEY, MAN, YOUR NEW CHICK IS HOT.
SHE IS MY MOTHER.
SHE IS NOT HOT.
SHE IS WARM AND SNUGGLY.
BUT SHE'S LIKE A 9.
WATCH WHAT YOU SAY AROUND HER.
THEY JUST GOT DIVORCED.
OH... SO SHE'S, LIKE,
AVAILABLE, HUH?
SO, ARE YOU READY
TO GO TO DINNER?
AW, YOU KNOW WHAT? I CAN'T.
I'M NOT GETTING TO
LEAVE UNTIL 10:00.
I'M SORRY.
WHY DON'T WE HAVE DINNER? OKAY.
ABSOLUTELY NOT. HI. UH, NO.
SEE, MY MOTHER
AND MY EX-GIRLFRIEND
ARE NOT GOING OUT.
WHY?
I DON'T KNOW. IT'S CREEPY.
IF YOU'RE GONNA TALK ME UP,
AT LEAST INTRODUCE ME.
OH, I CANNOT BELIEVE MY
MOTHER'S STAYING OUT ALL HOURS.
WHAT THE HELL'S GOTTEN INTO HER?
I'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE.
SHE'S IN HER TERRIBLE 40s.
Woman: UNIT 12, WHAT'S YOUR 20?
TALKING TO LONELY
TRUCKERS AGAIN?
NO.
I WANT TO GO TO
WHERE THE FIRES ARE.
GAIN EXPERIENCE UP CLOSE.
I'LL SHOVE YOUR
HEAD IN THE OVEN.
YOU KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN.
THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
MY PARENTS ARE STILL MARRIED.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
Sharon: OH... FIVE AFTER 11:00.
I TOLD HER 10:30.
HI, MIKE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
I MUST HAVE FORGOTTEN
TO WIND MY WATCH.
OH, THE UNWOUND-WATCH TRICK.
YOU GOT THAT FROM ME!
THESE TWO GENTLEMEN WERE
KIND ENOUGH TO WALK US HOME.
THIS IS MARCEL,
AND THIS IS STANLEY.
SO MAYBE WE'LL SEE YOU
GUYS AGAIN TOMORROW NIGHT.
IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU, MARCEL.
GREAT. UM, SO...
THIS IS GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT, STANLEY.
GOOD NIGHT, MICHAEL.
GOOD NIGHT, STANLEY.
COULD WE HAVE A MOMENT, PLEASE?
ABSOLUTELY.
MOM, I THINK THE
MEN NEED TO TALK.
SO... STANLEY...
WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?
I TEACH HIGH SCHOOL ENGLISH.
THAT'S VERY RESPECTABLE.
WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
OVER IN NEWBURY.
OOH, THAT'S A HIP NEIGHBORHOOD.
YOU MUST BE THE COOL TEACHER.
WHAT DO YOU DRIVE?
I HAVE A MINIVAN.
ALSO KNOWN AS A SHAGGIN' WAGON.
I DON'T THINK SO, STANLEY.
YOU JUST PEDDLE YOUR
FILTH SOMEPLACE ELSE.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
HE WAS A NICE GUY.
THAT WAS JUST RUDE.
HE'S ALWAYS RUDE.
I DON'T THINK YOU
RAISED HIM RIGHT.
WE HAD A WONDERFUL
EVENING UNTIL I BROKE CURFEW.
OKAY, MOM, I'M ONLY
GONNA SAY THIS ONCE.
I DON'T LIKE YOUR NEW FRIENDS.
THAT ASHLEY GIRL...
NOTHING BUT TROUBLE.
MICHAEL, LIGHTEN UP.
I'M GOING TO SPEND TIME
WITH WHOEVER I WANT.
I THINK I'VE HEARD ENOUGH.
WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS TOMORROW.
GO TO MY ROOM.
GOOD NIGHT, KIDS.
GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT.
I CANNOT HANDLE HER
ANYMORE. SHE'S OUT OF CONTROL.
OH, BERG...
SHE'S JUST TRYING
TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN.
YOU KNOW WHAT FUN LEADS TO.
LAUGHTER. HAPPY MEMORIES.
SHUT UP.
WE HAVE A 12-11 IN PROGRESS.
ALL UNITS IN THE VICINITY
OF PAUL REVERE HIGH SCHOOL.
FIRE! WHO WANTS TO GO?
REPEAT. 2-ALARM FIRE
AT 106 DEVON ROAD.
106 DEVON... OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD! THAT'S MY HOUSE!
WHAT? I LEFT MY DRILL THERE!
HEY!
YOU GOT TO STAY
ON THE OTHER SIDE.
OH, NO, NO, NO. IT'S OKAY.
DUNVILLE WITH THE
54th. STAND DOWN.
HEY! HOW COOL WAS THAT?
IT'S LIKE HAVING A
BACKSTAGE PASS TO FIRES.
SORRY I'M NOT EXCITED,
BUT MY HOUSE JUST
BURNED TO THE GROUND.
YEAH, BUT MOST PEOPLE
HAVE TO WATCH FROM THE CURB.
SHARON!
SORRY, SIR... NO, NO, NO.
IT'S COOL. Come on!
I GOT YOUR MESSAGE.
ARE YOU OKAY?
OH, MY GOD!
IT'S GONE.
IT IS COMPLETELY GONE.
OH, HONEY...
HEY, JOHNNY, I'M
REALLY SORRY, MAN.
THANKS.
LISTEN, WHY DON'T I
LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE
FOR A LITTLE WHILE?
HEY! DUNVILLE WITH THE 54th.
WHEN ARE WE GONNA
PLAY YOU GUYS IN SOFTBALL?
JEEZ... LOOK AT
THE SITTING ROOM.
YOU DIDN'T EVEN
GET TO SIT IN IT.
YEAH.
OH, BABY...
ALL YOUR HARD WORK
AND DREAMS FOR US...
IT'S OKAY. YOU DO NOT
HAVE TO BE BRAVE FOR ME.
JUST GO ON. LET IT
OUT. JUST LET IT OUT.
THIS IS SO GREAT!
UH... UH... W-W-WHAT?
OH, HONEY, WE WERE SO SCREWED.
I SANK EVERY PENNY
WE HAD INTO THIS PLACE.
THE MORE I SPENT, THE MORE
IT JUST KEPT SUCKING ME IN,
THIS WAS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE
I EVER MADE, AND NOW IT'S GONE!
WE'RE FULLY INSURED. WE
GET ALL OF OUR MONEY BACK.
W-WE GET ALL OUR MONEY BACK?!
GOD BLESS THE FIRE
THAT RAVAGED THIS HOME!
LET'S CELEBRATE. OKAY.
HOW ABOUT BARBECUE?
BARBECUE!
OH, HEY. DUNVILLE WITH THE 54th.
O'HANLEY, FIRE INSPECTOR.
ANY IDEA WHAT
CAUSED HER TO GO UP?
I'LL KNOW BETTER
IN THE LIGHT OF DAY.
NO ONE WAS LIVING HERE
SO THAT RULES OUT
THINGS LIKE IRONS, CANDLES,
AND SO FORTH.
IT COULD BE ELECTRICAL.
I WOULDN'T RULE OUT ARSON.
REALLY? W-WHO WOULD
WANT TO DO THAT?
YOU'D BE SURPRISED.
IT'S A SICK WORLD OUT THERE.
HEY.
YOU MIND? WE JUST
SUFFERED A GREAT LOSS.
I'M GONNA GET
RIGHT TO THE POINT.
I KNOW YOU BURNED
YOUR HOUSE DOWN.
YOU'RE SITTING ON A FIG NEWTON.
LAUGH IT UP, FIRE BUG.
YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS. I AM.
ARSON IS THE FIFTH LEADING
CAUSE OF DEATH IN THIS COUNTRY.
OR IT'S HEART DISEASE.
I CAN'T REMEMBER.
IT WAS A QUICK READ.
I HAD NOTHING TO
DO WITH THAT FIRE.
I WAS AT MY MOTHER'S.
YOUR MOTHER'S... WHAT
WERE YOU DOING THERE?
DRINKING AT YOUR MOTHER'S HOUSE?
SHE'S HARD TO TAKE.
SO, IF I WAS TO
CALL HER RIGHT NOW,
SHE'D BACK UP YOUR STORY?
WHO? YOUR MOM.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH
MY MOM'S PHONE NUMBER?
CUT THE CRAP, ALL RIGHT?
'CAUSE THERE'S GONNA
BE AN INVESTIGATION
AND THEY'LL GO EASIER ON
YOU IF YOU JUST COME CLEAN.
PETE, HE SAID HE DIDN'T DO IT.
WITH YOU BUSTING HIS
HUMP 24 HOURS A DAY...
"JOHNNY, WHY DID
YOU BUY THAT DUMP?"
"JOHNNY, WE HAVE NO MONEY."
"BABY, BABY, BABY,
WE LIVE IN A BASEMENT."
OH, MY GOD, HE DID DO IT.
I DIDN'T!
YOU HAVE TO HELP HIM.
EVEN IF I WANTED TO, I CAN'T
UNLESS I KNOW HOW HE DID IT.
I DIDN'T DO IT.
PETE, YOU HAVE BEEN MY FRIEND
LONG BEFORE YOU WERE A FIREMAN.
PLEASE, HELP US.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
I'LL GO OVER THERE,
AND I'LL CLEAN UP YOUR MESS.
BUT I'M DOING IT FOR
HER, NOT FOR YOU.
YOU BELIEVE ME, DON'T YOU?
OH, BABY...
I'LL WAIT FOR YOU.
HEY, BERG.
THERE YOU ARE.
I HEARD ABOUT SHARON AND
JOHNNY'S HOUSE. HOW ARE THEY?
HOW ARE THEY?
OKAY, THEIR HOUSE BURNED
DOWN. I'LL GIVE THEM THAT.
BUT WHILE THAT WAS HAPPENING,
YOU WERE GALLIVANTING
AROUND TOWN WITH MY MOTHER.
SO, THE QUESTION
IS "HOW IS BERG?"
AND HE'S NOT DOING TOO GOOD.
BERG, WE HAD A GREAT
TIME. WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
I DON'T WANT YOU HANGING
OUT WITH MY MOTHER ANYMORE.
I'M GLAD YOU SAID THIS.
IT'LL GIVE US SOMETHING
TO LAUGH ABOUT
LOOK, LOOK, I AM SERIOUS.
I DON'T WANT YOU
TAKING HER PLACES.
I DON'T WANT HER MEETING MEN,
ESPECIALLY THE TYPE OF
FREAKS YOU GO OUT WITH.
BERG, YOUR MOTHER'S AN ADULT.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD
START ACTING LIKE ONE, TOO.
I AM AN ADULT.
AND AS AN ADULT, I'M
GOING TO SAY THIS ONCE
SO I'LL MAKE MYSELF
PERFECTLY CLEAR.
I'M HER LITTLE BOY.
SHE'S MY MOMMY.
THAT'S THE WAY
WE'RE GONNA KEEP IT.
AAH!
OH, GOOD, INSPECTOR, IT'S YOU.
AND I THOUGHT THAT
MAYBE IT WAS, YOU KNOW...
LOOTERS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HERE, DUNVILLE?
OH, I'M JUST LOOKING AROUND.
I'M ALWAYS HUMBLED BY FIRE.
HOW SHE CAN BE SO
HELPFUL YET SO HURTFUL.
WELL SAID.
SO, UM, DID YOU FIGURE
OUT WHAT STARTED IT?
YES, I DID.
REALLY? WHAT?
I'LL SHOW YOU.
SOMEONE PUT SOME
FLAMMABLE MATERIAL...
PAPER, CARDBOARD,
AND SO FORTH...
WHEN IT KICKED ON,
HOT TIME IN OLD TOWN.
"HOT TIME IN OLD TOWN."
THAT'S VERY POETIC, SIR.
I DON'T SHOW THAT SIDE OFTEN.
W-WAIT A MINUTE. I'M CONFUSED.
WHAT'S THE FURNACE DOING THERE?
SHOULDN'T IT BE IN THE BASEMENT?
NO. IT WAS RIGHT HERE.
THERE WAS A WALL,
AND THEY PUT IT RIGHT
BEHIND A LITTLE DOOR.
O-O-OH!
OH.
OH, SO, UH, SO THAT CARDBOARD...
THAT COULD HAVE BEEN
LIKE A SHOE BOX OR
A CEREAL BOX OR...
YOU KNOW, A SMOKE DETECTOR BOX?
GOOD WORK, DUNVILLE.
ALL FINE EXAMPLES OF CARDBOARD.
SO, UH... ANY IDEA WHO DID IT?
WELL, THERE'S NOT
ENOUGH EVIDENCE
TO PIN IT ON ANYONE.
OH, SO CASE CLOSED, RIGHT?
NO CLUES. CASE CLOSED.
YEAH, BUT IF I HAD TO GUESS,
IT WAS EITHER AN
EXTREMELY CLEVER ARSONIST
OR SOMEONE WHO KNOWS
NOTHING ABOUT FIRE PREVENTION.
WELL, THEN, I GUESS THAT
RULES OUT YOU AND ME, HUH?
THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT.
YOU AND ME ON A SATURDAY
NIGHT. HOW DOES CHECKERS SOUND?
MICHAEL, I'M GOING OUT. I
WISH YOU'D COME WITH US.
US?
ASHLEY AND I ARE
MEETING SOME FRIENDS.
WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU
THINK YOU'RE DOING?
I'M BEING A WOMAN.
WELL, STOP.
MICHAEL, LISTEN TO ME.
JUST BECAUSE YOUR FATHER
LEFT TO FIND A NEW LIFE
DOESN'T MEAN MY LIFE HAS TO END.
APPARENTLY, I'M STILL HOT.
YEAH, BUT YOU WERE HOT WITH DAD
AND THERE WAS, LIKE, ORDER,
INTO SOME WILD
WOMAN ON THE TOWN...
WHO I WORRY ABOUT.
I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING
TO SAY IS I DON'T KNOW WHO...
I DON'T KNOW WHO TO BE WITH YOU.
OKAY.
HOW ABOUT WE STAY HOME,
AND I MAKE YOU DINNER INSTEAD?
NO, NO, NO. I'M FINE.
REALLY. GO HAVE FUN.
MAC AND CHEESE, YOUR FAVORITE.
THE KIND WITH WAGON WHEELS?
YOU GO PUT ON YOUR
JAMMIES, AND I'LL GET STARTED.
OKAY.
YOU GO AHEAD. I'LL
MEET YOU THERE.
HE ALWAYS FALLS ASLEEP
RIGHT AFTER MAC AND CHEESE.
HEY, JOHNNY. HEY.
SO THERE'S NO NEED TO THANK ME.
WHAT FAVOR? I
DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
TALK ABOUT UNGRATEFUL.
OKAY, YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHERE I WAS THAT NIGHT?
MAKE A LITTLE EXTRA CASH,
PAY OFF MY CREDIT CARDS.
WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST
TELL SHARON THAT?
BECAUSE I'VE GOT MY PRIDE.
I GOT US INTO THIS MESS.
I WANTED TO GET US OUT.
YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE A
HERO IN YOUR WIFE'S EYES.
YEAH, WELL, YOU CAN START
BY NOT SOUNDING
LIKE SUCH A SISSY.
A REAL MAN WOULD
IGNORE THAT COMMENT
LISTEN, DON'T TELL
SHARON I DIDN'T DO IT.
SHE'S BEEN SO GOOD
SINCE SHE PUSHED ME
INTO A LIFE OF CRIME.
IT'S SO SWEET HOW YOU GUYS
DON'T TELL EACH OTHER ANYTHING.
HOW DID THE FIRE START ANYWAY?
THE TRUTH?
YEAH.
IT WAS YOUR LIGHT FIXTURE.
YEAH.
NO WAY.
IT HAPPENS ALL THE
TIME. DON'T FEEL BAD.
AND NEXT THING YOU KNOW...
HOT TIME IN OLD TOWN.
THAT'S VERY POETIC.
THANKS.
I DON'T SHOW THAT SIDE OFTEN.
I CANNOT BELIEVE MY MOM...
STAYING OUT ALL HOURS.
I'M OKAY!
WHAT TIME IS IT?
MMM!
I'LL TELL YOU.
IT'S FIVE AFTER 11:00, RIGHT?
RIGHT.
THERE'S A BEAUTIFUL
DISPLAY OF...
F-FINE ART.
YAWN.
W-W-WHAT?
I TH-THOUGHT THAT YOU
AND DAD ALWAYS D-D-DID...
THAT'S ALL FOLKS.
Director: ACTION!
TAKE YOUR OWN CUE.
I WILL AS SOON AS I SWALLOW.
IF I ONLY HAD A NICKEL...