Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 4, Episode 12 - Give Mommy a Kiss - full transcript
Felix is interested in Susan and makes a date with her. However, Pete and Susan start to feel an attraction towards each other. Irene is jealous of Susan, not realising that she is Berg's mother. Later, Berg introduces her to his mother, and declares that Irene is what makes him happy. Sharon wants to spend the money they received from the insurance payout and wants to invest it on the stock market following a tip from Ashley. Johnny, naturally, is very reluctant but goes ahead, secretly so that Sharon doesn't know. He ends up doubling his money but keeps it secret from.
WHAT A TERRIBLE DATE.
THANKS FOR COMING
TO MY RESCUE, MICHAEL.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
LOOK, I'M JUST GLAD THAT
I COULD REPAY YOU, MOM.
NOW WE'RE EVEN FROM
WHEN I WET THE BED
AT JASON GILLIOTI'S SLEEPOVER.
WHAT HAPPENED TO
ALL THE GENTLEMEN?
YOU KNOW WHAT? THE
PROBLEM WITH GENTLEMEN
IS THAT THEY TEND TO
MEET OTHER GENTLEMEN.
HOLY MAY/DECEMBER!
SO... HOW YOU BEEN?
PRETTY DAMN GOOD.
ALL RIGHT, CUT THE RIBBON, BERG.
WHO IS SHE AND WHAT'S SHE
DOING IN YOUR APARTMENT?
WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW?
I THINK I HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW.
WELL, FILE A COMPLAINT
WITH THE "I BLEW MY SHOT
WITH BERG" COMMITTEE
AND WE'LL REVIEW IT.
IN THE MEANTIME,
THERE'S A LADY INSIDE
WHO THINKS I HAVE THE
CUTEST LITTLE TUSHIE.
OH, HI, PETE.
OH, HEY, MRS. BERGEN. HI.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HUH? I'M, UH, JUST
LOOKING FOR THE STAPLER.
I SPLIT MY PANTS.
WELL, DON'T YOU
HAVE ANOTHER PAIR?
YEAH, YEAH.
I SPLIT THOSE, TOO.
OH, WELL, COME OVER HERE.
I HAVE A TRAVEL KIT.
I'LL SEW THEM FOR YOU.
OH, REALLY? OH, GREAT.
THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
BUT COULD YOU HURRY UP?
'CAUSE CAPTAIN SHAW'S
WAITING IN THE FIRE TRUCK.
THANKS.
TAKE THEM OFF, PETER.
OH, RIGHT. SORRY,
SORRY, SORRY, SORRY.
SO HOW'D IT HAPPEN, ANYWAY?
IT'S MY OWN FAULT, REALLY.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I
WAS DATING MARTI,
I HAD THEM TAKEN IN
TO SHOW OFF MY BUTT.
SO WHAT HAPPENED TO MARTI?
WELL, SHE RAN AWAY,
AND MY PANTS WERE TOO
TIGHT TO RUN AFTER HER.
LISTEN, MRS. BERGEN, I
REALLY, REALLY APPRECIATE THIS.
IT'S MY PLEASURE.
SO, WAS IT TOUGH
GETTING OVER MARTI?
SORT OF, SORT OF. YOU
KNOW, THEY SAY IT TAKES
HALF THE LENGTH
OF THE RELATIONSHIP
TO PUT IT BEHIND YOU,
SO, YOU KNOW, BY THURSDAY
NEXT WEEK I'LL BE FINE.
WOW.
I'D HATE TO FOLLOW
YOU UP THE LADDER.
PETE SPLIT HIS PANTS.
OOH, IS THAT THE LAST
OF THE MARTI-BUTT PANTS?
NO, I STILL HAVE THE CORDS.
Man: LET'S MOVE IT, ALICE!
THAT'S CAPTAIN SHAW,
AND HE SOUNDS MAD.
OKAY, YOU PUT THESE ON.
I'LL TELL HIM YOU'LL
BE OUT IN A MINUTE.
DONVILLE, GET
YOUR BUTT OUT HERE!
GET THE LARD OUT OF... UH, WHOA.
I'M SORRY.
FORGIVE THE SALTY
LANGUAGE. I WAS LOOKING FOR...
OH, I-I'M CAPTAIN SHAW.
IT'S NICE TO MEET
YOU, CAPTAIN. I'M SUSAN.
YOU DON'T HAVE
TO CALL ME CAPTAIN.
CALL ME... FELIX.
FELIX. HA HA.
MOM, WHY DIDN'T
YOU NAME ME FELIX?
PETE WILL BE OUT IN A MINUTE.
OH, NO HURRY. WHERE'S THE FIRE?
SO DO YOU LIVE HERE IN TOWN,
OR ARE YOU JUST VISITING
WITH YOUR HUSBAND?
OH, NO, I DON'T HAVE A HUSBAND.
I HAVE AN EX,
AT LEAST UNTIL HE,
UH, STARTS HIS CAR.
ACTUALLY, WE'RE DIVORCED.
OH, THAT'S NICE. IT'S
NOT NICE, OF COURSE.
MY WIFE DIED.
OH, I'M SO SORRY. RECENTLY?
I THINK SO.
HEY, FELIX, YOU WANT
TO TAKE MY MOM OUT?
MICHAEL!
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU...
HE SEEMS LIKE A NICE GUY.
COME ON. DON'T BE SHY.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, HUH?
ACTUALLY, MY ELKS LODGE
IS HAVING A MIXER THIS SATURDAY,
IF ANYBODY HASN'T
ALREADY ASKED YOU.
OOH.
WELL, IF YOU DON'T
GO... HA HA... I WILL.
SO YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO.
HEY, BABY.
SWEETIE, SWEETIE, SWEETIE,
SWEETIE, COME HERE.
TELL ME WHAT YOU
NOTICE DIFFERENT.
A NEW SWEATER.
NO, I BOUGHT THIS
YESTERDAY. OKAY.
BUT I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT...
IT IS IN THE KITCHEN.
DID YOU COOK DINNER?
NO, SWEETIE, OF COURSE NOT,
BUT IF I DID, I'D
WASH THE DISHES
IN THIS FABULOUS NEW DISHWASHER.
NO, WHAT? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHY DO WE NEED A DISHWASHER?
JUST LAST CHRISTMAS,
I GOT YOU THE SPONGE
WHERE YOU PUT THE
SOAP IN THE HANDLE.
WE HAVE $25,000 FROM
THE INSURANCE MONEY.
SO DID YOU TELL HIM?
NOT A GOOD TIME. TELL ME WHAT?
I'VE GOT A GREAT
STOCK TIP FOR YOU.
OKAY, SORRY, NOT OUR THING.
JUST... JUST HEAR HER OUT.
I MEAN, WHY CAN'T WE MAKE
OUR MONEY WORK FOR US?
WHY CAN'T WE MAKE
THE SOAP-HANDLE MIRACLE
SPONGE WORK FOR US?
I'M TELLING YOU, THIS STOCK
IS GOING TO SKYROCKET.
WHEN I WAS AT THE HOSPITAL,
I MET THE CEO OF A COMPANY
CALLED SYSTEMS INDUSTRIES.
THEY'RE GOING TO MERGE
WITH ALKA CHEMICALS.
WHAT, HE JUST
TOLD YOU LIKE THAT?
WELL, HE KIND OF YELLED IT OUT
WHEN THEY ZAPPED
HIM WITH THE PADDLES.
HOW MUCH IS IT PER SHARE?
$24.
ALL RIGHT, WE'LL TAKE ONE.
HA HA HA!
ONE SHARE?
SO, UM, CAN YOU
DO THAT RIGHT AWAY
OR DO YOU HAVE TO MOVE
SOME STUFF AROUND OVERSEAS?
WE'LL TAKE ONE.
MAYBE IF IT DOES ALL RIGHT,
WE'LL BUY ANOTHER ONE.
I'LL CALL MY BROKER RIGHT NOW.
COME ON, ASH, LET'S GET GOING.
JOHNNY'S ABOUT
TO OPEN HIS WALLET,
AND HE DOESN'T WANT US
TO SEE THE COMBINATION.
HEY, IRENE.
I SEE YOU DIDN'T CATCH
THE WEATHER FORECAST.
THEY'RE CALLING FOR WINTER.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE?
WHAT DOES IT LOOK
LIKE? IT'S A STAKEOUT.
HENCE THE CAMOUFLAGE.
YOUR NEW WOMAN
HASN'T LEFT ALL NIGHT.
WELL, CAN YOU BLAME
HER? IT'S 20° OUT.
WHY DON'T YOU WAIT IN THE HALL?
OH, AND MISS HER
SNEAKING OUT THE WINDOW?
YEAH, CLEARLY, YOU'VE NEVER
STALKED SOMEONE, SO SHH.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
I'M STARTING TO
FEEL BAD ABOUT THIS.
THAT WOMAN THAT SPENT THE NIGHT?
THAT'S MY MOTHER.
OKAY, THAT'S DISGUSTING.
NO, I WAS JUST TRYING
TO MAKE YOU JEALOUS.
WELL, NICE TRY.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT, LOOK, CUT...
LET'S CUT THE BULL, ALL RIGHT?
LOOK, I...
GOD, IRENE, I WANT
US TO BE TOGETHER,
AND I THINK... I THINK THAT...
I THINK THAT YOU DO, TOO.
WELL, YOU KNOW I DO.
I'VE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT.
MY STOMACH'S IN MY HEART,
MY HEART'S IN MY THROAT,
MY SNOT'S FROZEN SOLID.
KISS ME.
OH.
OH, BERG, I AM SO HAPPY!
ME, TOO.
OKAY, LET'S GO MEET YOUR MOM.
I HOPE SHE LIKES TO BE TICKLED.
I'M SORRY. WHAT?
GOSH, I SHOULD
PROBABLY BRING A GIFT.
ALL RIGHT, IRENE, I REALLY
DON'T THINK THAT RIGHT NOW
IS A GOOD TIME TO MEET MOM.
WHY?
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW...
OKAY, LET'S JUST GO UPSTAIRS
AND SAY A QUICK HOWDY-DO.
YES, WE COULD,
BUT YOU KNOW HOW IMPORTANT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS ARE.
I MEAN, YOU DON'T WANT
TO RUSH THAT, RIGHT?
HEY, WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE THE WEEKEND?
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE RIGHT.
I AM GOING TO MAKE THIS SPECIAL.
THIS IS ONE BOYFRIEND'S MOTHER
WHO IS NOT GOING TO
BAN ME FROM THE HOUSE.
HA HA.
HEY, GIRLFRIEND.
HEY, BOYFRIEND.
I'M JUST GOING TO GET
RID OF THAT RIGHT THERE.
OH, OKAY.
OH, NO, MRS. BERGEN.
YOU CAN'T USE THOSE
TO ZIP UP YOUR DRESS.
NO, WE USE THAT TO GET
THE HAIR OUT OF THE SINK.
AAH!
PETE, YOU'RE MY
SAVIOR. CAN YOU HELP ME?
MY ZIPPER'S STUCK.
YES.
I-I-I WILL ZIP THAT.
AH. OKAY, THERE WE GO.
ALL ZIPPED, ZIPPED,
ZIPPED, ZIP-A-DEE-DOO-DAH.
THANK YOU.
WELL, I'M LOOKING FORWARD
TO THE MIXER AT THE ELKS LODGE.
WHO WOULDN'T BE?
AND YOUR CAPTAIN SHAW
SEEMS TO BE A
VERY, VERY NICE MAN.
HE'S A TERRIFIC GUY.
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT IF HE WANTS
ME TO WEAR ANTLERS?
THEN WE CAN, YOU KNOW,
STRAP YOU TO THE HOOD OF
THE CAR AND DRIVE YOU HOME.
HEY, LOOK, I KNOW IT'S HARD
GETTING BACK INTO
THE DATING WORLD,
BUT I PROMISE, EVENTUALLY
YOU'RE GOING TO MEET SOMEBODY
WHO'S GOING TO MAKE YOU
LAUGH AND FEEL HAPPY AGAIN.
THANKS.
AND YOU WILL, TOO.
OH, YEAH, RIGHT, AND
HAVE SOMEONE ELSE
STOMP ALL OVER MY
HEART? I DON'T THINK SO.
DON'T TALK LIKE THAT.
YOU'RE A WONDERFUL MAN.
YOU'RE JUST BEING NICE.
I'M NOT.
YOU JUST NEED SOMEONE
WHO APPRECIATES
HOW BRIGHT AND SENSITIVE
AND FUNNY YOU ARE.
WHATEVER WOMAN GETS
YOU WILL BE VERY LUCKY.
OH, MY GOD!
OH... MY GOD!
WHAT WAS I THINKING?
I-I-I-I'M AN IDIOT.
I'M AN IDIOT, IDIOT,
IDIOT, IDIOT, IDIOT.
HEY, LOOK WHAT I FOUND...
AND HE BROUGHT ME CANDY.
THEY'RE NOT FOR YOU.
OH, JEEZ, WHAT A PISTOL.
HA HA HA HA!
UH, I GOT TO GO. I'M LATE
FOR SOMETHING. GOOD NIGHT.
THESE ARE FOR YOU.
THANK YOU, FELIX.
LOOK AT YOU TWO.
I'M GOING TO GO CALL MY FRIENDS.
I GOT A NEW DAD.
MMM.
WELL...
GUESS I'D BETTER LOAD
UP THAT DISHWASHER.
EW.
OH, WOW, LOOK AT THAT.
THAT STOCK THAT
ASHLEY TOLD US ABOUT
HAS REALLY GONE DOWN.
DAMN IT, THESE
DISHES ARE SLIPPERY.
THANK GOD YOU WERE TOO CHICKEN
TO BUY MORE THAN ONE SHARE.
IF IT WERE UP TO
ME, I WOULD HAVE
PUT ALL OUR MONEY
INTO THAT THING.
HA.
YEAH, THAT WOULD
HAVE BEEN PRETTY DUMB.
DODGED A BULLET THERE.
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? I
HAVE TO GO TO THE STORE
TO GET SOME COFFEE
FOR THE MORNING.
IS THERE ANYTHING
ELSE THAT WE NEED?
NO, JUST COFFEE.
AND GET THAT CHEAP
KIND. THAT'S MY FAVORITE.
ASHLEY, WHEN YOU GET HOME,
WILL YOU GET DOWN HERE?
IT'S JOHNNY.
BOY, I HOPE THIS IS AN ANEURYSM.
OH, PETE, YOU'RE WORKING
OVERTIME AGAIN? HA HA.
YOU'VE BEEN HERE FOR TWO DAYS.
FIRE'S BEEN AROUND
FOR 10 BILLION YEARS.
I GOT A LOT OF
CATCHING UP TO DO.
SO WHAT DO YOU HEAR
MRS. BERGEN? GEE, YOU KNOW,
I HAVEN'T REALLY SEEN HER.
I HAD TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE IT WAS
FELIX THIS AND FELIX THAT.
I MEAN, I LIKE YOU, SIR,
BUT HOW MUCH CAN A GUY TAKE?
YOU KNOW, THERE'S
SOMETHING ABOUT THAT GIRL.
SHE MAKES ME FEEL YOUNG AGAIN.
HA HA HA HA!
WHOA! ENOUGH SAID.
WHOO-HOO! HA HA HA!
IF ANYBODY ASKS FOR
ME, I'LL BE IN THE OFFICE
GOING A FEW ROUNDS
WITH THE OLD AB-ROLLER.
MAKE ME A MEATBALL
SANDWICH, WILL YOU, PETE?
OR THERE'LL BE
LESS OF YOU TO LOVE.
OH, MY GOD.
I'LL HAVE ONE OF THOSE.
SUSAN... MRS. BERGEN, HEY.
UH, LISTEN, I'LL GET THE
CAPTAIN, IF YOU'D LIKE.
HE'S IN HIS OFFICE.
NO, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
PETE, I KNOW WHY YOU
HAVEN'T BEEN HOME.
YEAH, YEAH, I WAS JUST
RAKING IN THE OLD OVERTIME.
NO, YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE ME.
NO, NO, NO, NO, IT'S NOT
THAT I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU,
IT'S JUST THAT I WISH
I WAS NEVER BORN.
I'M REALLY EMBARRASSED
ABOUT THE OTHER NIGHT.
I WAS COMPLETELY OUT OF
LINE. PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGY.
YOU DON'T OWE ME AN
APOLOGY. I OWE YOU ONE.
NO, NO, IT WAS ME.
BELIEVE ME, I HAD NO
BUSINESS TRYING TO KISS YOU.
SO WHY DID YOU?
I DON'T KNOW, YOU
KNOW? YOU JUST...
GOD, YOU LOOKED SO BEAUTIFUL
AND... AND YOU SMELLED SO NICE.
YOU KNOW, NOT
THAT I'M IN THE HABIT
OF SMELLING MY FRIENDS' MOMS,
ALTHOUGH I ALWAYS
LIKED THE SMELL
OF MY FRIEND RICKY PECK'S
MOM. SHE SMELLED LIKE LASAGNA.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE THE FIRST MAN
YEAH, WELL, YOU'RE
THE FIRST WOMAN
TO GET MY PANTS OFF SINCE MARTI.
NOW, SEE, YOU MAKE ME LAUGH.
I WANTED YOU TO KISS
ME, BUT I WAS SCARED.
UM, OKAY.
I'VE BEEN REALLY BAD AT
READING SIGNALS LATELY.
SO IS THIS A GOOD ONE?
VERY.
14. THAT'S A RECORD.
SUSAN, HI.
HEY, THERE HE IS.
YOU WANTED TO SEE
HIM, AND THERE HE IS.
SO YOU TOOK ME UP ON THE
TOUR OF THE STATION, HUH?
YES. YES.
UH, UH, LET'S SEE.
THIS IS THE KITCHEN.
I'LL BET YOU KNEW THAT.
THIS IS THE GARAGE, OF COURSE,
AND THAT'S THE
POLE. IT'S FOR DOWN.
WE USE THE STAIRS. IT'S FOR UP.
THIS IS THE TRUCK.
THERE YOU ARE.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
HOW DARE YOU TALK TO
ME LIKE I'M YOUR WIFE?
HAVE YOU SEEN THE
BUSINESS SECTION?
HUH. OUR STOCK IS DOWN $1.
NOT $1. $2... THAT'S TWICE THAT.
TWO TIMES ONE... THAT'S
TWO, AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.
HERE, JOHNNY, HERE IS YOUR $2.
YOUR RETIREMENT
FUND IS NOW INTACT.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I SANK EVERYTHING WE
HAD INTO THAT STOCK.
HUH.
WELL, I'M NO ECONOMIST,
BUT THAT WAS STUPID.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
I WANTED TO SHOW SHARON
THAT I'M A GOOD PROVIDER.
I WANTED TO PUT A BIG PILE
OF MONEY IN FRONT OF HER
AND SAY, "HERE, HERE'S A BIG
PILE OF MONEY I MADE FOR YOU."
WELL, THE GOOD NEWS IS
NOW SHE CAN'T TAKE ANYTHING
FROM YOU IN THE DIVORCE.
NO, WAIT, IT'S...
I HAVE A PLAN. I
WANT YOU TO KILL ME.
OOH, I'D LOVE TO,
BUT FIRST, WHY DON'T YOU
CHECK THE FINANCIAL CHANNEL?
THE MERGER WENT THROUGH.
YOU DOUBLED YOUR MONEY.
W-WHAT? I... YOU SAID...
WAIT A SECOND. ARE YOU...
ARE YOU SCREWING WITH ME?
I WAS BEFORE, AND IT WAS FUN,
BUT NOW I'M NOT.
YOU'RE A RICH MAN, JOHNNY,
AND ALL THANKS TO WHO?
YOU!
YOU! YOU!
♪ HAPPY DANCE, HAPPY DANCE ♪
♪ JOHNNY'S DOING
THE HAPPY DANCE ♪
OH, OH, WHY THE HAPPY DANCE?
JOHNNY'S STOCK WENT UP.
OH, BOY.
NOW WE CAN SEND OUR
KIDS TO PUBLIC SCHOOL.
NO, JUST... OKAY, JUST
RUN ALONG, ASHLEY.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL
HER ABOUT THE MONEY?
THAT WAS PIE IN THE
SKY FANTASY MONEY.
NO, NO, SHE'S NOT
TOUCHING ANY OF THIS.
YOU GOING TO A
WEDDING... I HOPE?
NO, I JUST WANTED
TO LOOK MY VERY BEST
WHEN I MET YOUR MOM.
OKAY, WELL, I'LL JUST WAIT.
OH, YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
SHE IS GOING TO BE GONE ALL DAY,
AND, YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD
GO HANG UP THAT DRESS.
YOU DON'T WANT TO DE-POOF THAT.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
WELL, MAYBE SOME
OTHER TIME, THEN.
YEAH. HUH? YEAH.
HI, HONEY.
CLUMSY ME.
JEEZ, I WAS JUST ABOUT
TO INTRODUCE YOU.
OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE EMBARRASSED BY ME.
WHAT? NO, HOW... HEY,
HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT?
LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS
IN YOUR APARTMENT.
OH, YOU ARE.
THAT'S WHY YOU NEVER
TOLD ANYONE ABOUT US.
I KEPT IT A SECRET BECAUSE
I DIDN'T WANT PETE TO KNOW,
BUT YOU KEPT IT A SECRET
BECAUSE YOU'RE ASHAMED OF ME.
NO, IRENE, THAT'S... NO,
THAT'S... THAT'S JUST...
HOLY SMOKES! WHAT?
BERG, IF YOU CAN'T EVEN
INTRODUCE ME TO YOUR MOTHER,
THEN I REALLY DON'T SEE
MUCH OF A FUTURE FOR US.
OH, COME ON. HEY.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
OH, HONEY, I NEED TO GO HOME.
I NEED TO BE ALONE FOR A WHILE.
WHAT? I THOUGHT THE
REASON THAT YOU CAME HERE
WAS 'CAUSE YOU DIDN'T
WANT TO BE ALONE.
LOOK, IF IT'S BECAUSE
THINGS DIDN'T WORK OUT
WITH CAPTAIN SHAW,
DON'T GIVE UP, OKAY?
'CAUSE YOU'RE GOING
TO MEET SOMEONE.
ACTUALLY, I MAY HAVE.
YOU DID? WELL, THAT
THAT'S GREAT, RIGHT?
NOT REALLY.
IT'S KIND OF AN
AWKWARD SITUATION.
I'M WORRIED ABOUT
WHAT PEOPLE MIGHT THINK.
I'M WORRIED ABOUT
WHAT YOU MIGHT THINK.
NO.
WELL, WHO IS IT?
NO, I'D RATHER NOT...
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT'S FINE. YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU DON'T NEED TO
TELL ME, OKAY? THAT'S...
IT'S NOT A WOMAN, IS IT?
WELL... DOES THE
GUY MAKE YOU HAPPY?
YES.
OKAY, WELL, THEN, WHO
CARES WHAT I THINK?
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
GROWING UP, YOU ALWAYS SAID,
"WHATEVER MAKES YOU HAPPY,
YOU JUST... YOU GO FOR IT."
BUT, HONEY, I WAS TALKING
ABOUT THE FIGURE SKATING.
THAT'S A BAD EXAMPLE, UM, BUT...
BUT GOOD ADVICE.
CAN YOU WAIT HERE
FOR A SECOND, PLEASE?
MOM, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE
YOU TO WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY.
THIS IS MY GIRLFRIEND IRENE.
IRENE, THIS IS MY MOM SUSAN.
WE WERE LOVERS FOR SOME TIME.
AT FIRST, NOTHING
SERIOUS. JUST SEX.
HA HA HA.
EXCEPT PETE. DON'T TELL PETE.
PETE? DON'T BE SILLY.
WHY WOULD I TELL PETE?
TELL PETE WHAT?
ABOUT THE SURPRISE PARTY
WE'RE PLANNING FOR YOU.
OOPS.
OH, WELL, THERE'S
ALWAYS NEXT YEAR.
OOPS AGAIN.
A-ARE YOU LEAVING?
OH, NO, NO, NO. SHE
WAS GOING TO LEAVE
BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT
I WOULDN'T APPROVE
OF THE NEW MAN IN HER LIFE.
OH, GOD, BERG...
BUT, YOU KNOW, I
GAVE HER MY BLESSING.
REALLY?
YEAH.
THAT'S GREAT. THAT'S GREAT!
YES, AND HE DIDN'T EVEN
WANT TO KNOW WHO IT IS.
WAY TO GO, MRS. B.!
I-I'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER,
BUT I'M REALLY WORRIED.
WHAT IF BERG FINDS OUT?
PETE, I RAISED
AN UNDERSTANDING
AND SENSITIVE SON.
AND THIS OTHER SON OF
YOURS, WILL HE TALK TO BERG?
I'M NOT KEEPING A
SECRET FROM YOU.
I'M NOT SAYING YOU ARE,
BUT, UH, LET'S JUST SAY YOU ARE.
HE'S TRYING TO TRICK ME
INTO ADMITTING SOMETHING.
PETE, PLEASE. I'M HIS MOTHER,
AND, FRANKLY, HE'S
NOT THAT CLEVER.
THANKS FOR COMING
TO MY RESCUE, MICHAEL.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
LOOK, I'M JUST GLAD THAT
I COULD REPAY YOU, MOM.
NOW WE'RE EVEN FROM
WHEN I WET THE BED
AT JASON GILLIOTI'S SLEEPOVER.
WHAT HAPPENED TO
ALL THE GENTLEMEN?
YOU KNOW WHAT? THE
PROBLEM WITH GENTLEMEN
IS THAT THEY TEND TO
MEET OTHER GENTLEMEN.
HOLY MAY/DECEMBER!
SO... HOW YOU BEEN?
PRETTY DAMN GOOD.
ALL RIGHT, CUT THE RIBBON, BERG.
WHO IS SHE AND WHAT'S SHE
DOING IN YOUR APARTMENT?
WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW?
I THINK I HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW.
WELL, FILE A COMPLAINT
WITH THE "I BLEW MY SHOT
WITH BERG" COMMITTEE
AND WE'LL REVIEW IT.
IN THE MEANTIME,
THERE'S A LADY INSIDE
WHO THINKS I HAVE THE
CUTEST LITTLE TUSHIE.
OH, HI, PETE.
OH, HEY, MRS. BERGEN. HI.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HUH? I'M, UH, JUST
LOOKING FOR THE STAPLER.
I SPLIT MY PANTS.
WELL, DON'T YOU
HAVE ANOTHER PAIR?
YEAH, YEAH.
I SPLIT THOSE, TOO.
OH, WELL, COME OVER HERE.
I HAVE A TRAVEL KIT.
I'LL SEW THEM FOR YOU.
OH, REALLY? OH, GREAT.
THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
BUT COULD YOU HURRY UP?
'CAUSE CAPTAIN SHAW'S
WAITING IN THE FIRE TRUCK.
THANKS.
TAKE THEM OFF, PETER.
OH, RIGHT. SORRY,
SORRY, SORRY, SORRY.
SO HOW'D IT HAPPEN, ANYWAY?
IT'S MY OWN FAULT, REALLY.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I
WAS DATING MARTI,
I HAD THEM TAKEN IN
TO SHOW OFF MY BUTT.
SO WHAT HAPPENED TO MARTI?
WELL, SHE RAN AWAY,
AND MY PANTS WERE TOO
TIGHT TO RUN AFTER HER.
LISTEN, MRS. BERGEN, I
REALLY, REALLY APPRECIATE THIS.
IT'S MY PLEASURE.
SO, WAS IT TOUGH
GETTING OVER MARTI?
SORT OF, SORT OF. YOU
KNOW, THEY SAY IT TAKES
HALF THE LENGTH
OF THE RELATIONSHIP
TO PUT IT BEHIND YOU,
SO, YOU KNOW, BY THURSDAY
NEXT WEEK I'LL BE FINE.
WOW.
I'D HATE TO FOLLOW
YOU UP THE LADDER.
PETE SPLIT HIS PANTS.
OOH, IS THAT THE LAST
OF THE MARTI-BUTT PANTS?
NO, I STILL HAVE THE CORDS.
Man: LET'S MOVE IT, ALICE!
THAT'S CAPTAIN SHAW,
AND HE SOUNDS MAD.
OKAY, YOU PUT THESE ON.
I'LL TELL HIM YOU'LL
BE OUT IN A MINUTE.
DONVILLE, GET
YOUR BUTT OUT HERE!
GET THE LARD OUT OF... UH, WHOA.
I'M SORRY.
FORGIVE THE SALTY
LANGUAGE. I WAS LOOKING FOR...
OH, I-I'M CAPTAIN SHAW.
IT'S NICE TO MEET
YOU, CAPTAIN. I'M SUSAN.
YOU DON'T HAVE
TO CALL ME CAPTAIN.
CALL ME... FELIX.
FELIX. HA HA.
MOM, WHY DIDN'T
YOU NAME ME FELIX?
PETE WILL BE OUT IN A MINUTE.
OH, NO HURRY. WHERE'S THE FIRE?
SO DO YOU LIVE HERE IN TOWN,
OR ARE YOU JUST VISITING
WITH YOUR HUSBAND?
OH, NO, I DON'T HAVE A HUSBAND.
I HAVE AN EX,
AT LEAST UNTIL HE,
UH, STARTS HIS CAR.
ACTUALLY, WE'RE DIVORCED.
OH, THAT'S NICE. IT'S
NOT NICE, OF COURSE.
MY WIFE DIED.
OH, I'M SO SORRY. RECENTLY?
I THINK SO.
HEY, FELIX, YOU WANT
TO TAKE MY MOM OUT?
MICHAEL!
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU...
HE SEEMS LIKE A NICE GUY.
COME ON. DON'T BE SHY.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, HUH?
ACTUALLY, MY ELKS LODGE
IS HAVING A MIXER THIS SATURDAY,
IF ANYBODY HASN'T
ALREADY ASKED YOU.
OOH.
WELL, IF YOU DON'T
GO... HA HA... I WILL.
SO YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO.
HEY, BABY.
SWEETIE, SWEETIE, SWEETIE,
SWEETIE, COME HERE.
TELL ME WHAT YOU
NOTICE DIFFERENT.
A NEW SWEATER.
NO, I BOUGHT THIS
YESTERDAY. OKAY.
BUT I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT...
IT IS IN THE KITCHEN.
DID YOU COOK DINNER?
NO, SWEETIE, OF COURSE NOT,
BUT IF I DID, I'D
WASH THE DISHES
IN THIS FABULOUS NEW DISHWASHER.
NO, WHAT? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHY DO WE NEED A DISHWASHER?
JUST LAST CHRISTMAS,
I GOT YOU THE SPONGE
WHERE YOU PUT THE
SOAP IN THE HANDLE.
WE HAVE $25,000 FROM
THE INSURANCE MONEY.
SO DID YOU TELL HIM?
NOT A GOOD TIME. TELL ME WHAT?
I'VE GOT A GREAT
STOCK TIP FOR YOU.
OKAY, SORRY, NOT OUR THING.
JUST... JUST HEAR HER OUT.
I MEAN, WHY CAN'T WE MAKE
OUR MONEY WORK FOR US?
WHY CAN'T WE MAKE
THE SOAP-HANDLE MIRACLE
SPONGE WORK FOR US?
I'M TELLING YOU, THIS STOCK
IS GOING TO SKYROCKET.
WHEN I WAS AT THE HOSPITAL,
I MET THE CEO OF A COMPANY
CALLED SYSTEMS INDUSTRIES.
THEY'RE GOING TO MERGE
WITH ALKA CHEMICALS.
WHAT, HE JUST
TOLD YOU LIKE THAT?
WELL, HE KIND OF YELLED IT OUT
WHEN THEY ZAPPED
HIM WITH THE PADDLES.
HOW MUCH IS IT PER SHARE?
$24.
ALL RIGHT, WE'LL TAKE ONE.
HA HA HA!
ONE SHARE?
SO, UM, CAN YOU
DO THAT RIGHT AWAY
OR DO YOU HAVE TO MOVE
SOME STUFF AROUND OVERSEAS?
WE'LL TAKE ONE.
MAYBE IF IT DOES ALL RIGHT,
WE'LL BUY ANOTHER ONE.
I'LL CALL MY BROKER RIGHT NOW.
COME ON, ASH, LET'S GET GOING.
JOHNNY'S ABOUT
TO OPEN HIS WALLET,
AND HE DOESN'T WANT US
TO SEE THE COMBINATION.
HEY, IRENE.
I SEE YOU DIDN'T CATCH
THE WEATHER FORECAST.
THEY'RE CALLING FOR WINTER.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE?
WHAT DOES IT LOOK
LIKE? IT'S A STAKEOUT.
HENCE THE CAMOUFLAGE.
YOUR NEW WOMAN
HASN'T LEFT ALL NIGHT.
WELL, CAN YOU BLAME
HER? IT'S 20° OUT.
WHY DON'T YOU WAIT IN THE HALL?
OH, AND MISS HER
SNEAKING OUT THE WINDOW?
YEAH, CLEARLY, YOU'VE NEVER
STALKED SOMEONE, SO SHH.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
I'M STARTING TO
FEEL BAD ABOUT THIS.
THAT WOMAN THAT SPENT THE NIGHT?
THAT'S MY MOTHER.
OKAY, THAT'S DISGUSTING.
NO, I WAS JUST TRYING
TO MAKE YOU JEALOUS.
WELL, NICE TRY.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT, LOOK, CUT...
LET'S CUT THE BULL, ALL RIGHT?
LOOK, I...
GOD, IRENE, I WANT
US TO BE TOGETHER,
AND I THINK... I THINK THAT...
I THINK THAT YOU DO, TOO.
WELL, YOU KNOW I DO.
I'VE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT.
MY STOMACH'S IN MY HEART,
MY HEART'S IN MY THROAT,
MY SNOT'S FROZEN SOLID.
KISS ME.
OH.
OH, BERG, I AM SO HAPPY!
ME, TOO.
OKAY, LET'S GO MEET YOUR MOM.
I HOPE SHE LIKES TO BE TICKLED.
I'M SORRY. WHAT?
GOSH, I SHOULD
PROBABLY BRING A GIFT.
ALL RIGHT, IRENE, I REALLY
DON'T THINK THAT RIGHT NOW
IS A GOOD TIME TO MEET MOM.
WHY?
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW...
OKAY, LET'S JUST GO UPSTAIRS
AND SAY A QUICK HOWDY-DO.
YES, WE COULD,
BUT YOU KNOW HOW IMPORTANT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS ARE.
I MEAN, YOU DON'T WANT
TO RUSH THAT, RIGHT?
HEY, WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE THE WEEKEND?
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE RIGHT.
I AM GOING TO MAKE THIS SPECIAL.
THIS IS ONE BOYFRIEND'S MOTHER
WHO IS NOT GOING TO
BAN ME FROM THE HOUSE.
HA HA.
HEY, GIRLFRIEND.
HEY, BOYFRIEND.
I'M JUST GOING TO GET
RID OF THAT RIGHT THERE.
OH, OKAY.
OH, NO, MRS. BERGEN.
YOU CAN'T USE THOSE
TO ZIP UP YOUR DRESS.
NO, WE USE THAT TO GET
THE HAIR OUT OF THE SINK.
AAH!
PETE, YOU'RE MY
SAVIOR. CAN YOU HELP ME?
MY ZIPPER'S STUCK.
YES.
I-I-I WILL ZIP THAT.
AH. OKAY, THERE WE GO.
ALL ZIPPED, ZIPPED,
ZIPPED, ZIP-A-DEE-DOO-DAH.
THANK YOU.
WELL, I'M LOOKING FORWARD
TO THE MIXER AT THE ELKS LODGE.
WHO WOULDN'T BE?
AND YOUR CAPTAIN SHAW
SEEMS TO BE A
VERY, VERY NICE MAN.
HE'S A TERRIFIC GUY.
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT IF HE WANTS
ME TO WEAR ANTLERS?
THEN WE CAN, YOU KNOW,
STRAP YOU TO THE HOOD OF
THE CAR AND DRIVE YOU HOME.
HEY, LOOK, I KNOW IT'S HARD
GETTING BACK INTO
THE DATING WORLD,
BUT I PROMISE, EVENTUALLY
YOU'RE GOING TO MEET SOMEBODY
WHO'S GOING TO MAKE YOU
LAUGH AND FEEL HAPPY AGAIN.
THANKS.
AND YOU WILL, TOO.
OH, YEAH, RIGHT, AND
HAVE SOMEONE ELSE
STOMP ALL OVER MY
HEART? I DON'T THINK SO.
DON'T TALK LIKE THAT.
YOU'RE A WONDERFUL MAN.
YOU'RE JUST BEING NICE.
I'M NOT.
YOU JUST NEED SOMEONE
WHO APPRECIATES
HOW BRIGHT AND SENSITIVE
AND FUNNY YOU ARE.
WHATEVER WOMAN GETS
YOU WILL BE VERY LUCKY.
OH, MY GOD!
OH... MY GOD!
WHAT WAS I THINKING?
I-I-I-I'M AN IDIOT.
I'M AN IDIOT, IDIOT,
IDIOT, IDIOT, IDIOT.
HEY, LOOK WHAT I FOUND...
AND HE BROUGHT ME CANDY.
THEY'RE NOT FOR YOU.
OH, JEEZ, WHAT A PISTOL.
HA HA HA HA!
UH, I GOT TO GO. I'M LATE
FOR SOMETHING. GOOD NIGHT.
THESE ARE FOR YOU.
THANK YOU, FELIX.
LOOK AT YOU TWO.
I'M GOING TO GO CALL MY FRIENDS.
I GOT A NEW DAD.
MMM.
WELL...
GUESS I'D BETTER LOAD
UP THAT DISHWASHER.
EW.
OH, WOW, LOOK AT THAT.
THAT STOCK THAT
ASHLEY TOLD US ABOUT
HAS REALLY GONE DOWN.
DAMN IT, THESE
DISHES ARE SLIPPERY.
THANK GOD YOU WERE TOO CHICKEN
TO BUY MORE THAN ONE SHARE.
IF IT WERE UP TO
ME, I WOULD HAVE
PUT ALL OUR MONEY
INTO THAT THING.
HA.
YEAH, THAT WOULD
HAVE BEEN PRETTY DUMB.
DODGED A BULLET THERE.
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? I
HAVE TO GO TO THE STORE
TO GET SOME COFFEE
FOR THE MORNING.
IS THERE ANYTHING
ELSE THAT WE NEED?
NO, JUST COFFEE.
AND GET THAT CHEAP
KIND. THAT'S MY FAVORITE.
ASHLEY, WHEN YOU GET HOME,
WILL YOU GET DOWN HERE?
IT'S JOHNNY.
BOY, I HOPE THIS IS AN ANEURYSM.
OH, PETE, YOU'RE WORKING
OVERTIME AGAIN? HA HA.
YOU'VE BEEN HERE FOR TWO DAYS.
FIRE'S BEEN AROUND
FOR 10 BILLION YEARS.
I GOT A LOT OF
CATCHING UP TO DO.
SO WHAT DO YOU HEAR
MRS. BERGEN? GEE, YOU KNOW,
I HAVEN'T REALLY SEEN HER.
I HAD TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE IT WAS
FELIX THIS AND FELIX THAT.
I MEAN, I LIKE YOU, SIR,
BUT HOW MUCH CAN A GUY TAKE?
YOU KNOW, THERE'S
SOMETHING ABOUT THAT GIRL.
SHE MAKES ME FEEL YOUNG AGAIN.
HA HA HA HA!
WHOA! ENOUGH SAID.
WHOO-HOO! HA HA HA!
IF ANYBODY ASKS FOR
ME, I'LL BE IN THE OFFICE
GOING A FEW ROUNDS
WITH THE OLD AB-ROLLER.
MAKE ME A MEATBALL
SANDWICH, WILL YOU, PETE?
OR THERE'LL BE
LESS OF YOU TO LOVE.
OH, MY GOD.
I'LL HAVE ONE OF THOSE.
SUSAN... MRS. BERGEN, HEY.
UH, LISTEN, I'LL GET THE
CAPTAIN, IF YOU'D LIKE.
HE'S IN HIS OFFICE.
NO, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
PETE, I KNOW WHY YOU
HAVEN'T BEEN HOME.
YEAH, YEAH, I WAS JUST
RAKING IN THE OLD OVERTIME.
NO, YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE ME.
NO, NO, NO, NO, IT'S NOT
THAT I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU,
IT'S JUST THAT I WISH
I WAS NEVER BORN.
I'M REALLY EMBARRASSED
ABOUT THE OTHER NIGHT.
I WAS COMPLETELY OUT OF
LINE. PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGY.
YOU DON'T OWE ME AN
APOLOGY. I OWE YOU ONE.
NO, NO, IT WAS ME.
BELIEVE ME, I HAD NO
BUSINESS TRYING TO KISS YOU.
SO WHY DID YOU?
I DON'T KNOW, YOU
KNOW? YOU JUST...
GOD, YOU LOOKED SO BEAUTIFUL
AND... AND YOU SMELLED SO NICE.
YOU KNOW, NOT
THAT I'M IN THE HABIT
OF SMELLING MY FRIENDS' MOMS,
ALTHOUGH I ALWAYS
LIKED THE SMELL
OF MY FRIEND RICKY PECK'S
MOM. SHE SMELLED LIKE LASAGNA.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE THE FIRST MAN
YEAH, WELL, YOU'RE
THE FIRST WOMAN
TO GET MY PANTS OFF SINCE MARTI.
NOW, SEE, YOU MAKE ME LAUGH.
I WANTED YOU TO KISS
ME, BUT I WAS SCARED.
UM, OKAY.
I'VE BEEN REALLY BAD AT
READING SIGNALS LATELY.
SO IS THIS A GOOD ONE?
VERY.
14. THAT'S A RECORD.
SUSAN, HI.
HEY, THERE HE IS.
YOU WANTED TO SEE
HIM, AND THERE HE IS.
SO YOU TOOK ME UP ON THE
TOUR OF THE STATION, HUH?
YES. YES.
UH, UH, LET'S SEE.
THIS IS THE KITCHEN.
I'LL BET YOU KNEW THAT.
THIS IS THE GARAGE, OF COURSE,
AND THAT'S THE
POLE. IT'S FOR DOWN.
WE USE THE STAIRS. IT'S FOR UP.
THIS IS THE TRUCK.
THERE YOU ARE.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
HOW DARE YOU TALK TO
ME LIKE I'M YOUR WIFE?
HAVE YOU SEEN THE
BUSINESS SECTION?
HUH. OUR STOCK IS DOWN $1.
NOT $1. $2... THAT'S TWICE THAT.
TWO TIMES ONE... THAT'S
TWO, AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.
HERE, JOHNNY, HERE IS YOUR $2.
YOUR RETIREMENT
FUND IS NOW INTACT.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I SANK EVERYTHING WE
HAD INTO THAT STOCK.
HUH.
WELL, I'M NO ECONOMIST,
BUT THAT WAS STUPID.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
I WANTED TO SHOW SHARON
THAT I'M A GOOD PROVIDER.
I WANTED TO PUT A BIG PILE
OF MONEY IN FRONT OF HER
AND SAY, "HERE, HERE'S A BIG
PILE OF MONEY I MADE FOR YOU."
WELL, THE GOOD NEWS IS
NOW SHE CAN'T TAKE ANYTHING
FROM YOU IN THE DIVORCE.
NO, WAIT, IT'S...
I HAVE A PLAN. I
WANT YOU TO KILL ME.
OOH, I'D LOVE TO,
BUT FIRST, WHY DON'T YOU
CHECK THE FINANCIAL CHANNEL?
THE MERGER WENT THROUGH.
YOU DOUBLED YOUR MONEY.
W-WHAT? I... YOU SAID...
WAIT A SECOND. ARE YOU...
ARE YOU SCREWING WITH ME?
I WAS BEFORE, AND IT WAS FUN,
BUT NOW I'M NOT.
YOU'RE A RICH MAN, JOHNNY,
AND ALL THANKS TO WHO?
YOU!
YOU! YOU!
♪ HAPPY DANCE, HAPPY DANCE ♪
♪ JOHNNY'S DOING
THE HAPPY DANCE ♪
OH, OH, WHY THE HAPPY DANCE?
JOHNNY'S STOCK WENT UP.
OH, BOY.
NOW WE CAN SEND OUR
KIDS TO PUBLIC SCHOOL.
NO, JUST... OKAY, JUST
RUN ALONG, ASHLEY.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL
HER ABOUT THE MONEY?
THAT WAS PIE IN THE
SKY FANTASY MONEY.
NO, NO, SHE'S NOT
TOUCHING ANY OF THIS.
YOU GOING TO A
WEDDING... I HOPE?
NO, I JUST WANTED
TO LOOK MY VERY BEST
WHEN I MET YOUR MOM.
OKAY, WELL, I'LL JUST WAIT.
OH, YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
SHE IS GOING TO BE GONE ALL DAY,
AND, YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD
GO HANG UP THAT DRESS.
YOU DON'T WANT TO DE-POOF THAT.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
WELL, MAYBE SOME
OTHER TIME, THEN.
YEAH. HUH? YEAH.
HI, HONEY.
CLUMSY ME.
JEEZ, I WAS JUST ABOUT
TO INTRODUCE YOU.
OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE EMBARRASSED BY ME.
WHAT? NO, HOW... HEY,
HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT?
LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS
IN YOUR APARTMENT.
OH, YOU ARE.
THAT'S WHY YOU NEVER
TOLD ANYONE ABOUT US.
I KEPT IT A SECRET BECAUSE
I DIDN'T WANT PETE TO KNOW,
BUT YOU KEPT IT A SECRET
BECAUSE YOU'RE ASHAMED OF ME.
NO, IRENE, THAT'S... NO,
THAT'S... THAT'S JUST...
HOLY SMOKES! WHAT?
BERG, IF YOU CAN'T EVEN
INTRODUCE ME TO YOUR MOTHER,
THEN I REALLY DON'T SEE
MUCH OF A FUTURE FOR US.
OH, COME ON. HEY.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
OH, HONEY, I NEED TO GO HOME.
I NEED TO BE ALONE FOR A WHILE.
WHAT? I THOUGHT THE
REASON THAT YOU CAME HERE
WAS 'CAUSE YOU DIDN'T
WANT TO BE ALONE.
LOOK, IF IT'S BECAUSE
THINGS DIDN'T WORK OUT
WITH CAPTAIN SHAW,
DON'T GIVE UP, OKAY?
'CAUSE YOU'RE GOING
TO MEET SOMEONE.
ACTUALLY, I MAY HAVE.
YOU DID? WELL, THAT
THAT'S GREAT, RIGHT?
NOT REALLY.
IT'S KIND OF AN
AWKWARD SITUATION.
I'M WORRIED ABOUT
WHAT PEOPLE MIGHT THINK.
I'M WORRIED ABOUT
WHAT YOU MIGHT THINK.
NO.
WELL, WHO IS IT?
NO, I'D RATHER NOT...
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT'S FINE. YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU DON'T NEED TO
TELL ME, OKAY? THAT'S...
IT'S NOT A WOMAN, IS IT?
WELL... DOES THE
GUY MAKE YOU HAPPY?
YES.
OKAY, WELL, THEN, WHO
CARES WHAT I THINK?
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
GROWING UP, YOU ALWAYS SAID,
"WHATEVER MAKES YOU HAPPY,
YOU JUST... YOU GO FOR IT."
BUT, HONEY, I WAS TALKING
ABOUT THE FIGURE SKATING.
THAT'S A BAD EXAMPLE, UM, BUT...
BUT GOOD ADVICE.
CAN YOU WAIT HERE
FOR A SECOND, PLEASE?
MOM, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE
YOU TO WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY.
THIS IS MY GIRLFRIEND IRENE.
IRENE, THIS IS MY MOM SUSAN.
WE WERE LOVERS FOR SOME TIME.
AT FIRST, NOTHING
SERIOUS. JUST SEX.
HA HA HA.
EXCEPT PETE. DON'T TELL PETE.
PETE? DON'T BE SILLY.
WHY WOULD I TELL PETE?
TELL PETE WHAT?
ABOUT THE SURPRISE PARTY
WE'RE PLANNING FOR YOU.
OOPS.
OH, WELL, THERE'S
ALWAYS NEXT YEAR.
OOPS AGAIN.
A-ARE YOU LEAVING?
OH, NO, NO, NO. SHE
WAS GOING TO LEAVE
BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT
I WOULDN'T APPROVE
OF THE NEW MAN IN HER LIFE.
OH, GOD, BERG...
BUT, YOU KNOW, I
GAVE HER MY BLESSING.
REALLY?
YEAH.
THAT'S GREAT. THAT'S GREAT!
YES, AND HE DIDN'T EVEN
WANT TO KNOW WHO IT IS.
WAY TO GO, MRS. B.!
I-I'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER,
BUT I'M REALLY WORRIED.
WHAT IF BERG FINDS OUT?
PETE, I RAISED
AN UNDERSTANDING
AND SENSITIVE SON.
AND THIS OTHER SON OF
YOURS, WILL HE TALK TO BERG?
I'M NOT KEEPING A
SECRET FROM YOU.
I'M NOT SAYING YOU ARE,
BUT, UH, LET'S JUST SAY YOU ARE.
HE'S TRYING TO TRICK ME
INTO ADMITTING SOMETHING.
PETE, PLEASE. I'M HIS MOTHER,
AND, FRANKLY, HE'S
NOT THAT CLEVER.