Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 3, Episode 9 - Talking Turkey - full transcript
Berg has just broken up with Ashley but she hasn't moved to a new apartment yet so he is now sleeping on the couch. It's Thanksgiving and Pete takes pity on Irene and invites her to dinner with the group. Ashley invites a bum, Chet, to dinner as well. By looking at their rubbish, Chet shows amazing wisdom into all their relationships, although not always accurate. He tells Berg Ashley is pregnant and tells Pete Irene is a gun nut. However, he has an ulterior motive for his insights. Johnny is worried that Sharon is spending too much money since she lost her job and is living beyond their means. They offer to rent Ashley their spare room to make money.
MM!
EXCUSE ME!
EXCUSE ME!
HOMELESS GUY.
DO YOU MIND RUMMAGING
A LITTLE LATER?
I'M JUST TRYIN' TO
GET SOME SLEEP.
OKAY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
HOW WAS MY NICE, COMFY BED?
MM. IT WAS WONDERFUL.
AND HOW WAS THE COUCH?
A LITTLE LUMPY.
WELL, LISTEN,
THANKS FOR BREAKING IN
MY NEPHEW'S BASEBALL MITT.
NO WONDER I HAD A DREAM
CAL RIPKEN WAS
CUPPING MY TENDERS.
LISTEN... HOW'S THE
APARTMENT HUNT?
ANYTHING I CAN
HELP YOU OUT WITH?
NOPE.
BECAUSE I WILL.
JUST TELL ME WHAT'S
HOLDING YOU UP.
IS IT A MONEY ISSUE?
DO YOU NEED BOXES?
PACKING TAPE?
WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE?
WELL, CONGRATULATIONS, BERG.
I'M LEAVING.
I'M LEAVING RIGHT NOW.
BUT I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
I BREAK UP WITH HER,
AND YET, SHE STAYS.
I TELL HER IT'S OVER,
AND YET, SHE'S HERE.
PETE, WHY WON'T SHE LEAVE?!
THAT'S AS HARD TO ANSWER
AS WHY YOU WENT OUT
WITH HER IN THE FIRST PLACE.
HI, PETE.
IRENE, YOU'RE WEARIN' ALL BLACK.
IT'S THANKSGIVING.
WHERE ARE YOUR
DRUMSTICK EARRINGS?
OH, GOD!
SOMEBODY DIDN'T DIE, DID THEY?
NO, MY OUTFIT REFLECTS
THE EMPTINESS OF MY SOUL.
ON A DAY WHEN I NORMALLY
GIVE THANKS FOR ALL I HAVE,
I HAVE NOTHING AND NO
ONE TO SHARE IT WITH.
SEE, PETE, I'VE LOST MY SMILE.
THE BLACK IS VERY SLIMMING.
OKAY, THEN, I GUESS
JUST... HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
OKAY. YOU TOO.
OH. AND, HEY, GOOD
LUCK FINDIN' THAT SMILE!
OH. OH.
I CAN'T LISTEN TO HER CRY.
I KNOW.
HEY, MAYBE WE SHOULD
TURN ON THE STEREO.
ALL RIGHT.
IRENE.
YES, PETE?
YOU RAN OUT SO FAST,
I DIDN'T HAVE A CHANCE
TO INVITE YOU TO
THANKSGIVING DINNER.
I DON'T WANT YOUR PITY.
YOU SURE?
OKAY. JUST LET ME GET MY PURSE.
OKAY, BUT WE'LL BILL YOU LATER.
NO, SILLY. MY MOM ALWAYS
TOLD ME TO CARRY A PURSE
OR PEOPLE WILL
THINK YOU'RE A BOY.
YOUR MOM SOUNDS GREAT.
SO, LISTEN, I'LL
JUST... I'LL TELL BERG...
WHOA!
HI, PETE.
HEY... YOU.
IT'S CHET.
RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.
YEAH, I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE
YOU... INDOORS.
HEY, BERG.
ASHLEY, UM, ARE YOU AWARE
THAT THE MAN WHO PEES
IN OUR FLOWER PLANTER
IS STANDING RIGHT BEHIND YOU?
ALL PART OF THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.
CHET.
HI, UH, UH, HERE YOU GO.
SO, BERG, I'VE INVITED CHET
TO OUR PLACE FOR DINNER.
WHAT?! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?!
WELL, WE COULD'VE
GONE TO HIS PLACE,
BUT SOMEBODY PARKED ON IT.
BERG, I INVITED IRENE TO DINNER.
OUTSTANDING.
THAT'S JUST GREAT, GUYS.
HEY, MAYBE SHARON WILL INVITE
THE GUY FROM THE BUS STOP
WHO KEEPS TRYIN' TO
SHOW ME HIS EXTRA NIPPLE.
HIS LOSS.
IT'S QUITE A NIPPLE.
MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.
I WAS JUST GONNA SIT DOWN
AND WATCH SOME FOOTBALL.
I GOT A LOT OF MONEY ON
THIS. COWBOYS ARE GONNA WIN.
REALLY? HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?
PETE, COME ON. THINK ABOUT IT.
WHO WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT
BETWEEN A DOLPHIN AND A COWBOY?
DOLPHINS HAVE FINS.
COWBOYS HAVE GUNS.
I GUESS THAT'S WHY
THE BROWNS NEVER WIN.
HEY, EVERYBODY! FOOD IS HERE!
YES, WAIT TILL YOU TRY
JOHNNY'S JELLO SURPRISE.
SURPRISE! IT'S JUST JELLO!
HEY, HONEY, UNTIL
YOU FIND ANOTHER JOB,
WE CAN'T BE THROWING OUR
MONEY AWAY ON FRIVOLOUS THINGS.
BABY, IT'S THANKSGIVING...
A TIME FOR GENEROSITY,
FOR DIGGING A LITTLE DEEP...
WHAT'S THE BUM DOIN' HERE?
WE PREFER HOBO.
THAT'S JUST A BIT OF
HOMELESS HUMOR, SHARON.
HOW DID YOU KNOW MY NAME?
YOU MIGHT NOT NOTICE
ME, BUT I NOTICE YOU GUYS.
I KNOW ALL ABOUT EVERYTHING
THAT GOES ON AROUND HERE.
IT'S A LOT EASIER TO KEEP
YOUR EAR TO THE GROUND
IF YOU ACTUALLY HAVE
YOUR EAR TO THE GROUND.
SPEAKING OF WHICH, YOU
GOT GUM IN YOUR SIDEBURNS.
YOU KNOW, YOU BEEN
A LITTLE TENSE LATELY.
DID YOU LOSE YOUR JOB?
HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?
FROM YOUR TRASH.
YOU CIRCLED THE WANT ADS,
INCREASED YOUR
ICE-CREAM CONSUMPTION,
AND I FOUND THAT
LETTER FROM YOUR MOM
SAYING, "SORRY
YOU LOST YOUR JOB."
OKAY.
YOU'RE GOOD.
DO ME. DO ME.
JUDGING FROM THE AMOUNT
OF YOUR HAIR IN THE TRASH,
AND YOUR FATHER'S COMB-OVER,
I'D SAY SOMEBODY'S
FIGHTING A LOSING BATTLE.
HA HA HA HA!
OKAY. DO SOMEONE ELSE.
AH, THANK YOU, CHET.
OH, NO! DAMN COWBOYS!
WHAT'S THAT?
OH, IT'S MY GOOD-LUCK CHARM.
IT'LL HELP TURN
THIS GAME AROUND.
WHAT HAPPENED TO ITS LEG?
WELL, THEY MISSED FOUR
FIELD GOALS LAST WEEK.
WHEN HE LEARNS TO KICK STRAIGHT,
HE'LL GET HIS LEG BACK.
HEY, THAT TURKEY SMELLS GOOD.
YEAH.
ACTUALLY, IT'S JUST
A REALLY BIG CHICKEN.
W-W-WHAT A DAY
TO SKIP BREAKFAST.
LET ME LET YOU IN ON
A LITTLE SECRET, BERG.
ALL PRODUCTS ARE THE SAME.
YOU'RE ONLY PAYING
FOR THE PACKAGING.
YOU'VE JUST BEEN
CONDITIONED TO BELIEVE
THAT WINE FROM A BOTTLE IS
BETTER THAN WINE FROM A BOX.
OOH, YOU KNOW,
I THINK YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO LET THIS BREATHE.
PETE, GIVE IT A KISS.
HOW ABOUT A HUG?
OOH.
NO! PETE, COME
ON, IT'S THIRD DOWN.
KISS IT QUICK!
NO!
OH, GREAT, THEY MISSED
IT. WAY TO GO, PETE!
HEY, LOOK WHAT I FOUND
HANGING IN THE BATHROOM.
HEY.
HEY, THAT'S MY SUIT.
I WAS STEAMIN' OUT THE WRINKLES.
WELL, BEGGARS CAN'T BE CHOOSERS.
ASHLEY, YOU JUST INVITED
CHET HERE TO GET BACK AT ME.
NO. I INVITED HIM HERE
BECAUSE IT'S THANKSGIVING.
ASHLEY, THIS WHOLE
THING IS GETTING OLD.
OH, NOT FOR ME.
HEY, UM, WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE?
I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT NORMAL
COUPLES DO WHEN THEY BREAK UP,
BUT NOT YOU.
YOU STAY.
WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE?!
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, BERG?
LEAVE!!
OH, BOY, THAT MAKES
ME FEEL MUCH BETTER.
WOMEN.
WOMEN, WOMEN, WOMEN, WOMEN, HUH?
YOU KNOW, I USED TO
MAKE A PRETTY GOOD LIVING
WHEN I WAS A
STOCKBROKER UNTIL MY WIFE
JUST SPENT ME RIGHT
INTO THE POORHOUSE.
OF COURSE, I DON'T
HAVE TO TELL YOU, DO I?
YOU MEAN SHARON?
SHE DOESN'T SPEND THAT MUCH.
HER GUCCI GARMENT BAGS ALONE
KEPT ME WARM DURING
THE WHOLE WINTER.
COME ON.
I'LL TALK TO HER, ALL RIGHT?
I MEAN, MAYBE SHE COULD
LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES.
THANKS, HOBO.
WILL HELP PEOPLE FOR FOOD.
DON'T YOU THINK YOU WERE
A LITTLE HARD ON ASHLEY?
I KNOW! I HATE THIS!
I HATE LOOKIN' BAD.
I'M JUST SAYIN', MAYBE YOU
SHOULD TRY BEING NICE TO HER.
I MEAN, LOOK AT IRENE. ALL
SHE NEEDED WAS A FRIEND.
OOH, KISS THE DOLL, PETE. QUICK!
WOULD YOU GET THAT
THING OUTTA MY FACE?!
YOU MOVED!
YOU MOVED OFF THE LUCKY SPOT!
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?!
YOU GOT UP, THEY FUMBLED!
YOU KNOW WHAT?!
I FELT BAD FOR YOU.
I THOUGHT WE COULD SIT, HAVE A
NORMAL TIME, AND WATCH THE GAME.
INSTEAD, YOU HAD ME KISSIN'
THE DOLL'S LUCKY SPOT!
PETE, EVERY TIME YOU WAVE
YOUR ARMS, THEY GET SACKED!
IRENE, ENOUGH!
NO!
I'LL KISS YOUR DOLL.
I DON'T KNOW WHY
I'M SO NICE TO HER.
I KNOW WHY I'M NICE TO HER.
SHE'S GOT A GUN IN HER PURSE.
NAH, COME ON.
I KNOW SHE'S A
LITTLE ODD, BUT...
NOTHING IN HER TRASH BUT
CAT FOOD AND SHELL CASINGS.
SHE DOES HAVE A LOT OF CATS.
TRUST ME, THAT WING
NUT IS TWO MONTHS AWAY
FROM BEING MY NEIGHBOR.
SHE IS ABOUT READY TO CRACK.
YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN
HER THIS MORNING.
SHE WAS DEPRESSED AND CRYING.
AND SHE INSISTED ON
GETTING HER PURSE.
YOU CERTAINLY HAVE
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
YOU'VE BEEN SUCH A
SWEETHEART TO HER.
I GOTTA GO.
SO, I THINK THE WAY TO
SOLVE ALL OUR PROBLEMS
IS TO HAVE ASHLEY MOVE
INTO OUR SPARE ROOM.
NO WAY! THAT'S WHERE
I KEEP MY WEIGHTS!
SHE'S GOING THROUGH
A LOT RIGHT NOW.
SHE'D PAY A THIRD OF THE RENT.
LET'S MOVE HER IN AFTER WE EAT.
SO, UH, JOHNNY TELLS ME
YOU GOT WOMAN PROBLEMS.
I REALLY DON'T THINK THAT'S
ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS.
I UNDERSTAND. TOUGH SITUATION.
SO, WHEN IS ASHLEY DUE?
UH... ASHLEY'S NOT PREGNANT.
THERE WAS A PREGNANCY
TEST IN THE GARBAGE.
EVERYTHING CAME UP "BABY."
WELL, YOU CAN'T BE
SURE THAT'S ASHLEY'S.
I HEAR MRS. ABERNATHY'S
DOG IS GONNA HAVE PUPPIES.
YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.
BUT THEN, WHY IS
ASHLEY STILL LIVING HERE?
I'VE BEEN ASKIN' MYSELF
THAT SAME QUESTION.
COULD IT BE
THAT SHE WANTS TO BE
NEAR THE BABY'S FATHER?
WHAT IS THAT CALLED, NESTING?
OH, MY GOD. WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,
BUT I'M GOING TO LICK
THAT TURKEY AGAIN.
IRENE, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
LOOK, I'M STILL ON
THE LUCKY SPOT.
OKAY, BERG, WE HAVE A SITUATION.
I'VE GOT MY OWN STUFF GOIN' ON.
IRENE HAS A GUN, AND I'M
AFRAID SHE'S GONNA USE IT.
ASHLEY'S PREGNANT. OH, MY GOD.
KIND OF PUTS YOUR
LITTLE GUN PROBLEM
IN PERSPECTIVE, DOESN'T IT?
ARE YOU SURE?
OF COURSE I'M SURE.
THE HOBO TOLD ME.
W-W-WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
ALL I KNOW IS WE HAD SEX,
AND NOW SHE'S PREGNANT.
WELL, AT LEAST THE
WORST PART IS OVER.
I DON'T KNOW IF I'M
READY TO BE A FATHER.
I MEAN, I-I CAN BARELY
CUT MY OWN STEAK.
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
YOU'RE GONNA BE
A TERRIFIC FATHER.
YOU THINK?
YOU'RE GONNA BE A GREAT DAD...
YOU KNOW, IF YOU
COULD EVER GET OVER
YOUR HATRED OF THE MOTHER.
SO, YOU KNOW, WE WERE JUST...
SO, ANYWAY, SHARON
AND I WERE THINKING
IT WOULD JUST BE EASIER IF
YOU MOVED UPSTAIRS WITH US.
REALLY?
YEAH. WHAT KIND OF
FRIENDS WOULD WE BE
IF WE DIDN'T HELP YOU
GET BACK ON YOUR FEET?
OH, GOSH, THAT'S ONE
OF THE NICEST THINGS
ANYONE'S EVER DONE FOR ME.
AT $350 A MONTH, NOT
INCLUDING UTILITIES.
THANKS. I'LL HAVE
TO THINK ABOUT IT.
$325.
IT'S... IT'S REALLY NOT
ABOUT THE MONEY.
OH, OKAY. THEN IT'S $350.
AH, AH, AH, SEE?
WE MADE ASHLEY VERY HAPPY.
TOO HAPPY.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
BECAUSE HE'S A MAN AND
SHE'S A WOMAN ON THE REBOUND.
THE REST... NATURE'S SPECIAL.
OH, COME ON, JOHNNY
WOULD NEVER DO THAT,
AND ASHLEY IS A GOOD FRIEND.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT I WAS THINKING.
YOUR LOVER AND
YOUR BEST FRIEND...
THAT NEVER HAPPENS.
HEY, LET ME GIVE
YOU A HAND WITH THAT.
NO, IT'S OKAY. I CAN HANDLE IT.
NO, NO, I GOT IT. I GOT IT.
GOOD GOD, THAT'S HOT!
SO... HOW ARE YOU DOIN'?
I'M FINE, BUT I'LL FEEL MUCH
BETTER AFTER I'VE EATEN.
LISTEN TO YOUR BODY.
IT KNOWS WHAT IT NEEDS.
DOESN'T THAT LOOK
LIKE A BABY'S BUTT?
I LOVE BABIES' BUTTS.
OKAY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
NOTHING. DO YOU
KNOW YOU'RE GLOWING?
DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU
MAKE MY SKIN CRAWL?
AND YOUR ANKLES SWELL.
WHY WON'T SHE TELL
ME ABOUT THE BABY?
WHY DON'T YOU
LET ME TALK TO HER?
I THINK SHE'LL LISTEN TO ME.
YOU'RE RIGHT...
MAYBE COMING FROM
SOMEONE SHE RESPECTS...
I DON'T WANT ASHLEY
MOVING IN WITH US.
BUT YOU JUST TOLD ME TO ASK HER.
AND THIS IS THE ONE TIME
YOU DECIDE TO LISTEN TO ME?!
GUYS, I NEED YOUR HELP.
NOT NOW! NOT NOW!
I CAN'T BELIEVE I EVER GOT
TOGETHER WITH THAT MORON.
COME ON, SUGAR.
YOU CAN'T FOOL ME.
YOU'RE STILL HUNG UP ON THE GUY.
OH, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
I'M TOTALLY OVER HIM!
HERE. HERE, HERE, HERE.
YOU JUST SQUIRT ALL YOU WANT.
OH. I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
YOU HAVE TO OPEN UP TO BERG.
YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM HOW
MUCH THAT HE HURT YOU.
UNTIL YOU ADMIT IT,
YOU CAN'T GET PAST IT.
HE'S JUST GONNA THROW
THAT BACK IN MY FACE.
HEY, COME ON.
GIVE BERG A SHOT.
IF YOU LET DOWN YOUR WALLS,
I THINK YOU'RE GONNA
SEE A SIDE OF BERG
THAT YOU'VE NEVER SEEN.
GOD. WHY COULDN'T I
MEET A GUY LIKE YOU...
ONLY WITH A JOB
AND AN APARTMENT?
THEY'RE RUNNING OUT THE CLOCK.
CALL TIMEOUT! CALL TIMEOUT!
HEY, IRENE!
YOU KNOW, WHAT'S
REALLY GOOD LUCK
IS WHEN YOU GIVE
SOMEBODY YOUR PURSE
AND THEN THEY
LOCK IT IN THE CLOSET.
YOU'RE INSANE.
HOW'D IT GO?
GOOD NEWS. FALSE ALARM.
YOU'RE NOT THE FATHER.
IT'S YOUR BUDDY PETE.
WHAT?
ASHLEY JUST TOLD ME.
CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK.
NO WAY. NO WAY.
ALL THEY DO IS FIGHT.
OH, RIGHT.
AND FIGHTING NEVER LEADS TO SEX?
I MEAN, HOW DID YOU AND
ASHLEY GET TOGETHER, ANYWAY?
YEAH...
I'M GONNA BE SICK.
OKAY, EVERYBODY, DINNER'S READY.
OH, WOW. IT SMELLS
GREAT, JOHNNY.
THANK YOU.
AT LEAST SOMEBODY AROUND
HERE APPRECIATES MY COOKING.
WELL, WHY DON'T
YOU JUST MARRY HER?
DAMN TO HELL! THE COWBOYS LOST!
IRENE, IRENE, IRENE...
NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!
I DON'T LIKE LOSING.
I HATE LOSING.
I CAN'T STAND
ANOTHER DAY OF LOSING.
HEY, HEY, IRENE, IT'S NOT
WHETHER YOU WIN OR LOSE,
IT'S HOW YOU HANDLE
NEVER WINNING.
OKAY, WHO WOULD LIKE TO TRY
SOME GREAT CRANBERRY SAUCE?
I'VE SEEN BETTER FOOD
IN MY OVERCOAT POCKET.
HEY, I'LL TRY SOME.
OOH, LOOK AT ASHLEY DIG
IN TO JOHNNY'S CRANBERRIES.
WE SHOULD GO AROUND THE TABLE
AND TELL EACH OTHER
WHAT WE'RE THANKFUL FOR.
WHY DON'T WE START WITH YOU?
PASS. COME ON.
I SAID PASS!
OKAY.
UM, ANYBODY ELSE?
THERE'S SOMETHING
I'D LIKE TO SAY.
WAIT. LET ASHLEY GO FIRST.
UM, I'D LIKE TO TALK
TO BERG IN PRIVATE.
WHY BOTHER? THEY'RE GONNA
FIND OUT SOONER OR LATER.
ASHLEY'S PREGNANT.
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
AND I'M NOT THE FATHER.
HOW COULD YOU?!
NOT JOHNNY! IT WAS PETE!
WHAT?!
PETE? OH, MY GOD.
NO, NO, NO, WAIT.
NO, IRENE! NO! SHE'S GOT A GUN!
AAH!
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING, YOU LUNATIC?!
GIVE ME THE GUN!
WHERE'S THE GUN?!
GUN?! I HATE GUNS! I
WAS GETTING A TISSUE!
WHO TOLD YOU THAT
I WAS PREGNANT?
HOBO CHET.
I'M... I'M NOT LAUGHING
AT YOU GUYS.
I'M LAUGHING AT PETE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU WERE LYING?
W-WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?
WE INVITE YOU INTO OUR HOME,
AND ALL YOU DO IS GET US
FIGHTING WITH EACH OTHER?
IT'S MY VERSION OF
DINNER AND A SHOW.
AH, YOU GUYS ARE GONNA
HAVE TO EXCUSE ME.
I'M OFF TO FEED THE HOMELESS.
WHOA, WHAT ABOUT MY SUIT?
I'LL BRING IT BACK IN A WEEK.
I'VE GOT A WEDDING
IN RHODE ISLAND.
HA HA HA HA!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING, GANG.
PETE, DID YOU HAVE
TO TACKLE ME SO HARD?
IT REALLY HURT MY SHOULDER.
I-I'M SORRY, IRENE.
I WAS JUST TRYING TO
PROTECT MY FRIENDS...
AND, IN THE PROCESS,
OF COURSE, YOU.
OH, PETE, LOOK...
YOU FOUND MY SMILE.
SO, ANYWAY, ASHLEY,
I CUT YOU OFF.
YOU WANTED TO TELL ME
SOMETHING IN PRIVATE?
YOU'RE AN ASS.
DON'T YOU THINK I WOULD
TELL YOU IF I WERE PREGNANT?
AND WHO IN THEIR RIGHT
MIND WOULD SLEEP WITH PETE?
OKAY, I'M SITTING RIGHT HERE.
LISTEN, BERG,
I WANT YOU TO
KNOW I LOVED YOU...
AND YOU HURT ME.
AND I COULDN'T LEAVE
UNTIL I COULD ADMIT THAT.
AND I'M ONLY TELLING YOU NOW
BECAUSE I WANT TO MOVE ON.
SO, JOHNNY, I ACCEPT YOUR OFFER.
OH, UM...
JUST ONE MINUTE.
OF COURSE SHE CAN, JOHNNY.
OH, GOSH. YOU KNOW,
ASHLEY IS OUR FRIEND.
COME ON. LET'S GO CELEBRATE.
JOHNNY BOUGHT A
BOX OF CHAMPAGNE.
YOU OKAY, BERG?
I'M FINE.
IT'S JUST, UH,
I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE
LEFT ME ON THANKSGIVING.
YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO
REFER TO ASHLEY AS A GIRL.
IT SETS HER OFF.
THAT AND EVERYTHING ON
THIS LIST BERG AND I COMPILED.
IT'S JUST SOME OF
HER HOT BUTTONS.
WHEN YOU'RE HOME AND SHE
COMES HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL...
DON'T DO THAT.
WHEN YOU TAKE A SHOWER,
DON'T LEAVE WATER IN THE TUB.
OR HAIR. OR SOAP.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
BEST BET... AVOID THE SHOWER.
IT'S ALL ON THE
LIST. HEY, JOHNNY...
LET ME SEE YOU SMILE.
WHY?
WE WANNA REMEMBER YOU THIS WAY.
EXCUSE ME!
EXCUSE ME!
HOMELESS GUY.
DO YOU MIND RUMMAGING
A LITTLE LATER?
I'M JUST TRYIN' TO
GET SOME SLEEP.
OKAY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
HOW WAS MY NICE, COMFY BED?
MM. IT WAS WONDERFUL.
AND HOW WAS THE COUCH?
A LITTLE LUMPY.
WELL, LISTEN,
THANKS FOR BREAKING IN
MY NEPHEW'S BASEBALL MITT.
NO WONDER I HAD A DREAM
CAL RIPKEN WAS
CUPPING MY TENDERS.
LISTEN... HOW'S THE
APARTMENT HUNT?
ANYTHING I CAN
HELP YOU OUT WITH?
NOPE.
BECAUSE I WILL.
JUST TELL ME WHAT'S
HOLDING YOU UP.
IS IT A MONEY ISSUE?
DO YOU NEED BOXES?
PACKING TAPE?
WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE?
WELL, CONGRATULATIONS, BERG.
I'M LEAVING.
I'M LEAVING RIGHT NOW.
BUT I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
I BREAK UP WITH HER,
AND YET, SHE STAYS.
I TELL HER IT'S OVER,
AND YET, SHE'S HERE.
PETE, WHY WON'T SHE LEAVE?!
THAT'S AS HARD TO ANSWER
AS WHY YOU WENT OUT
WITH HER IN THE FIRST PLACE.
HI, PETE.
IRENE, YOU'RE WEARIN' ALL BLACK.
IT'S THANKSGIVING.
WHERE ARE YOUR
DRUMSTICK EARRINGS?
OH, GOD!
SOMEBODY DIDN'T DIE, DID THEY?
NO, MY OUTFIT REFLECTS
THE EMPTINESS OF MY SOUL.
ON A DAY WHEN I NORMALLY
GIVE THANKS FOR ALL I HAVE,
I HAVE NOTHING AND NO
ONE TO SHARE IT WITH.
SEE, PETE, I'VE LOST MY SMILE.
THE BLACK IS VERY SLIMMING.
OKAY, THEN, I GUESS
JUST... HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
OKAY. YOU TOO.
OH. AND, HEY, GOOD
LUCK FINDIN' THAT SMILE!
OH. OH.
I CAN'T LISTEN TO HER CRY.
I KNOW.
HEY, MAYBE WE SHOULD
TURN ON THE STEREO.
ALL RIGHT.
IRENE.
YES, PETE?
YOU RAN OUT SO FAST,
I DIDN'T HAVE A CHANCE
TO INVITE YOU TO
THANKSGIVING DINNER.
I DON'T WANT YOUR PITY.
YOU SURE?
OKAY. JUST LET ME GET MY PURSE.
OKAY, BUT WE'LL BILL YOU LATER.
NO, SILLY. MY MOM ALWAYS
TOLD ME TO CARRY A PURSE
OR PEOPLE WILL
THINK YOU'RE A BOY.
YOUR MOM SOUNDS GREAT.
SO, LISTEN, I'LL
JUST... I'LL TELL BERG...
WHOA!
HI, PETE.
HEY... YOU.
IT'S CHET.
RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.
YEAH, I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE
YOU... INDOORS.
HEY, BERG.
ASHLEY, UM, ARE YOU AWARE
THAT THE MAN WHO PEES
IN OUR FLOWER PLANTER
IS STANDING RIGHT BEHIND YOU?
ALL PART OF THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.
CHET.
HI, UH, UH, HERE YOU GO.
SO, BERG, I'VE INVITED CHET
TO OUR PLACE FOR DINNER.
WHAT?! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?!
WELL, WE COULD'VE
GONE TO HIS PLACE,
BUT SOMEBODY PARKED ON IT.
BERG, I INVITED IRENE TO DINNER.
OUTSTANDING.
THAT'S JUST GREAT, GUYS.
HEY, MAYBE SHARON WILL INVITE
THE GUY FROM THE BUS STOP
WHO KEEPS TRYIN' TO
SHOW ME HIS EXTRA NIPPLE.
HIS LOSS.
IT'S QUITE A NIPPLE.
MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.
I WAS JUST GONNA SIT DOWN
AND WATCH SOME FOOTBALL.
I GOT A LOT OF MONEY ON
THIS. COWBOYS ARE GONNA WIN.
REALLY? HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?
PETE, COME ON. THINK ABOUT IT.
WHO WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT
BETWEEN A DOLPHIN AND A COWBOY?
DOLPHINS HAVE FINS.
COWBOYS HAVE GUNS.
I GUESS THAT'S WHY
THE BROWNS NEVER WIN.
HEY, EVERYBODY! FOOD IS HERE!
YES, WAIT TILL YOU TRY
JOHNNY'S JELLO SURPRISE.
SURPRISE! IT'S JUST JELLO!
HEY, HONEY, UNTIL
YOU FIND ANOTHER JOB,
WE CAN'T BE THROWING OUR
MONEY AWAY ON FRIVOLOUS THINGS.
BABY, IT'S THANKSGIVING...
A TIME FOR GENEROSITY,
FOR DIGGING A LITTLE DEEP...
WHAT'S THE BUM DOIN' HERE?
WE PREFER HOBO.
THAT'S JUST A BIT OF
HOMELESS HUMOR, SHARON.
HOW DID YOU KNOW MY NAME?
YOU MIGHT NOT NOTICE
ME, BUT I NOTICE YOU GUYS.
I KNOW ALL ABOUT EVERYTHING
THAT GOES ON AROUND HERE.
IT'S A LOT EASIER TO KEEP
YOUR EAR TO THE GROUND
IF YOU ACTUALLY HAVE
YOUR EAR TO THE GROUND.
SPEAKING OF WHICH, YOU
GOT GUM IN YOUR SIDEBURNS.
YOU KNOW, YOU BEEN
A LITTLE TENSE LATELY.
DID YOU LOSE YOUR JOB?
HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?
FROM YOUR TRASH.
YOU CIRCLED THE WANT ADS,
INCREASED YOUR
ICE-CREAM CONSUMPTION,
AND I FOUND THAT
LETTER FROM YOUR MOM
SAYING, "SORRY
YOU LOST YOUR JOB."
OKAY.
YOU'RE GOOD.
DO ME. DO ME.
JUDGING FROM THE AMOUNT
OF YOUR HAIR IN THE TRASH,
AND YOUR FATHER'S COMB-OVER,
I'D SAY SOMEBODY'S
FIGHTING A LOSING BATTLE.
HA HA HA HA!
OKAY. DO SOMEONE ELSE.
AH, THANK YOU, CHET.
OH, NO! DAMN COWBOYS!
WHAT'S THAT?
OH, IT'S MY GOOD-LUCK CHARM.
IT'LL HELP TURN
THIS GAME AROUND.
WHAT HAPPENED TO ITS LEG?
WELL, THEY MISSED FOUR
FIELD GOALS LAST WEEK.
WHEN HE LEARNS TO KICK STRAIGHT,
HE'LL GET HIS LEG BACK.
HEY, THAT TURKEY SMELLS GOOD.
YEAH.
ACTUALLY, IT'S JUST
A REALLY BIG CHICKEN.
W-W-WHAT A DAY
TO SKIP BREAKFAST.
LET ME LET YOU IN ON
A LITTLE SECRET, BERG.
ALL PRODUCTS ARE THE SAME.
YOU'RE ONLY PAYING
FOR THE PACKAGING.
YOU'VE JUST BEEN
CONDITIONED TO BELIEVE
THAT WINE FROM A BOTTLE IS
BETTER THAN WINE FROM A BOX.
OOH, YOU KNOW,
I THINK YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO LET THIS BREATHE.
PETE, GIVE IT A KISS.
HOW ABOUT A HUG?
OOH.
NO! PETE, COME
ON, IT'S THIRD DOWN.
KISS IT QUICK!
NO!
OH, GREAT, THEY MISSED
IT. WAY TO GO, PETE!
HEY, LOOK WHAT I FOUND
HANGING IN THE BATHROOM.
HEY.
HEY, THAT'S MY SUIT.
I WAS STEAMIN' OUT THE WRINKLES.
WELL, BEGGARS CAN'T BE CHOOSERS.
ASHLEY, YOU JUST INVITED
CHET HERE TO GET BACK AT ME.
NO. I INVITED HIM HERE
BECAUSE IT'S THANKSGIVING.
ASHLEY, THIS WHOLE
THING IS GETTING OLD.
OH, NOT FOR ME.
HEY, UM, WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE?
I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT NORMAL
COUPLES DO WHEN THEY BREAK UP,
BUT NOT YOU.
YOU STAY.
WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE?!
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, BERG?
LEAVE!!
OH, BOY, THAT MAKES
ME FEEL MUCH BETTER.
WOMEN.
WOMEN, WOMEN, WOMEN, WOMEN, HUH?
YOU KNOW, I USED TO
MAKE A PRETTY GOOD LIVING
WHEN I WAS A
STOCKBROKER UNTIL MY WIFE
JUST SPENT ME RIGHT
INTO THE POORHOUSE.
OF COURSE, I DON'T
HAVE TO TELL YOU, DO I?
YOU MEAN SHARON?
SHE DOESN'T SPEND THAT MUCH.
HER GUCCI GARMENT BAGS ALONE
KEPT ME WARM DURING
THE WHOLE WINTER.
COME ON.
I'LL TALK TO HER, ALL RIGHT?
I MEAN, MAYBE SHE COULD
LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES.
THANKS, HOBO.
WILL HELP PEOPLE FOR FOOD.
DON'T YOU THINK YOU WERE
A LITTLE HARD ON ASHLEY?
I KNOW! I HATE THIS!
I HATE LOOKIN' BAD.
I'M JUST SAYIN', MAYBE YOU
SHOULD TRY BEING NICE TO HER.
I MEAN, LOOK AT IRENE. ALL
SHE NEEDED WAS A FRIEND.
OOH, KISS THE DOLL, PETE. QUICK!
WOULD YOU GET THAT
THING OUTTA MY FACE?!
YOU MOVED!
YOU MOVED OFF THE LUCKY SPOT!
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?!
YOU GOT UP, THEY FUMBLED!
YOU KNOW WHAT?!
I FELT BAD FOR YOU.
I THOUGHT WE COULD SIT, HAVE A
NORMAL TIME, AND WATCH THE GAME.
INSTEAD, YOU HAD ME KISSIN'
THE DOLL'S LUCKY SPOT!
PETE, EVERY TIME YOU WAVE
YOUR ARMS, THEY GET SACKED!
IRENE, ENOUGH!
NO!
I'LL KISS YOUR DOLL.
I DON'T KNOW WHY
I'M SO NICE TO HER.
I KNOW WHY I'M NICE TO HER.
SHE'S GOT A GUN IN HER PURSE.
NAH, COME ON.
I KNOW SHE'S A
LITTLE ODD, BUT...
NOTHING IN HER TRASH BUT
CAT FOOD AND SHELL CASINGS.
SHE DOES HAVE A LOT OF CATS.
TRUST ME, THAT WING
NUT IS TWO MONTHS AWAY
FROM BEING MY NEIGHBOR.
SHE IS ABOUT READY TO CRACK.
YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN
HER THIS MORNING.
SHE WAS DEPRESSED AND CRYING.
AND SHE INSISTED ON
GETTING HER PURSE.
YOU CERTAINLY HAVE
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
YOU'VE BEEN SUCH A
SWEETHEART TO HER.
I GOTTA GO.
SO, I THINK THE WAY TO
SOLVE ALL OUR PROBLEMS
IS TO HAVE ASHLEY MOVE
INTO OUR SPARE ROOM.
NO WAY! THAT'S WHERE
I KEEP MY WEIGHTS!
SHE'S GOING THROUGH
A LOT RIGHT NOW.
SHE'D PAY A THIRD OF THE RENT.
LET'S MOVE HER IN AFTER WE EAT.
SO, UH, JOHNNY TELLS ME
YOU GOT WOMAN PROBLEMS.
I REALLY DON'T THINK THAT'S
ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS.
I UNDERSTAND. TOUGH SITUATION.
SO, WHEN IS ASHLEY DUE?
UH... ASHLEY'S NOT PREGNANT.
THERE WAS A PREGNANCY
TEST IN THE GARBAGE.
EVERYTHING CAME UP "BABY."
WELL, YOU CAN'T BE
SURE THAT'S ASHLEY'S.
I HEAR MRS. ABERNATHY'S
DOG IS GONNA HAVE PUPPIES.
YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.
BUT THEN, WHY IS
ASHLEY STILL LIVING HERE?
I'VE BEEN ASKIN' MYSELF
THAT SAME QUESTION.
COULD IT BE
THAT SHE WANTS TO BE
NEAR THE BABY'S FATHER?
WHAT IS THAT CALLED, NESTING?
OH, MY GOD. WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,
BUT I'M GOING TO LICK
THAT TURKEY AGAIN.
IRENE, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
LOOK, I'M STILL ON
THE LUCKY SPOT.
OKAY, BERG, WE HAVE A SITUATION.
I'VE GOT MY OWN STUFF GOIN' ON.
IRENE HAS A GUN, AND I'M
AFRAID SHE'S GONNA USE IT.
ASHLEY'S PREGNANT. OH, MY GOD.
KIND OF PUTS YOUR
LITTLE GUN PROBLEM
IN PERSPECTIVE, DOESN'T IT?
ARE YOU SURE?
OF COURSE I'M SURE.
THE HOBO TOLD ME.
W-W-WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
ALL I KNOW IS WE HAD SEX,
AND NOW SHE'S PREGNANT.
WELL, AT LEAST THE
WORST PART IS OVER.
I DON'T KNOW IF I'M
READY TO BE A FATHER.
I MEAN, I-I CAN BARELY
CUT MY OWN STEAK.
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
YOU'RE GONNA BE
A TERRIFIC FATHER.
YOU THINK?
YOU'RE GONNA BE A GREAT DAD...
YOU KNOW, IF YOU
COULD EVER GET OVER
YOUR HATRED OF THE MOTHER.
SO, YOU KNOW, WE WERE JUST...
SO, ANYWAY, SHARON
AND I WERE THINKING
IT WOULD JUST BE EASIER IF
YOU MOVED UPSTAIRS WITH US.
REALLY?
YEAH. WHAT KIND OF
FRIENDS WOULD WE BE
IF WE DIDN'T HELP YOU
GET BACK ON YOUR FEET?
OH, GOSH, THAT'S ONE
OF THE NICEST THINGS
ANYONE'S EVER DONE FOR ME.
AT $350 A MONTH, NOT
INCLUDING UTILITIES.
THANKS. I'LL HAVE
TO THINK ABOUT IT.
$325.
IT'S... IT'S REALLY NOT
ABOUT THE MONEY.
OH, OKAY. THEN IT'S $350.
AH, AH, AH, SEE?
WE MADE ASHLEY VERY HAPPY.
TOO HAPPY.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
BECAUSE HE'S A MAN AND
SHE'S A WOMAN ON THE REBOUND.
THE REST... NATURE'S SPECIAL.
OH, COME ON, JOHNNY
WOULD NEVER DO THAT,
AND ASHLEY IS A GOOD FRIEND.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT I WAS THINKING.
YOUR LOVER AND
YOUR BEST FRIEND...
THAT NEVER HAPPENS.
HEY, LET ME GIVE
YOU A HAND WITH THAT.
NO, IT'S OKAY. I CAN HANDLE IT.
NO, NO, I GOT IT. I GOT IT.
GOOD GOD, THAT'S HOT!
SO... HOW ARE YOU DOIN'?
I'M FINE, BUT I'LL FEEL MUCH
BETTER AFTER I'VE EATEN.
LISTEN TO YOUR BODY.
IT KNOWS WHAT IT NEEDS.
DOESN'T THAT LOOK
LIKE A BABY'S BUTT?
I LOVE BABIES' BUTTS.
OKAY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
NOTHING. DO YOU
KNOW YOU'RE GLOWING?
DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU
MAKE MY SKIN CRAWL?
AND YOUR ANKLES SWELL.
WHY WON'T SHE TELL
ME ABOUT THE BABY?
WHY DON'T YOU
LET ME TALK TO HER?
I THINK SHE'LL LISTEN TO ME.
YOU'RE RIGHT...
MAYBE COMING FROM
SOMEONE SHE RESPECTS...
I DON'T WANT ASHLEY
MOVING IN WITH US.
BUT YOU JUST TOLD ME TO ASK HER.
AND THIS IS THE ONE TIME
YOU DECIDE TO LISTEN TO ME?!
GUYS, I NEED YOUR HELP.
NOT NOW! NOT NOW!
I CAN'T BELIEVE I EVER GOT
TOGETHER WITH THAT MORON.
COME ON, SUGAR.
YOU CAN'T FOOL ME.
YOU'RE STILL HUNG UP ON THE GUY.
OH, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
I'M TOTALLY OVER HIM!
HERE. HERE, HERE, HERE.
YOU JUST SQUIRT ALL YOU WANT.
OH. I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
YOU HAVE TO OPEN UP TO BERG.
YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM HOW
MUCH THAT HE HURT YOU.
UNTIL YOU ADMIT IT,
YOU CAN'T GET PAST IT.
HE'S JUST GONNA THROW
THAT BACK IN MY FACE.
HEY, COME ON.
GIVE BERG A SHOT.
IF YOU LET DOWN YOUR WALLS,
I THINK YOU'RE GONNA
SEE A SIDE OF BERG
THAT YOU'VE NEVER SEEN.
GOD. WHY COULDN'T I
MEET A GUY LIKE YOU...
ONLY WITH A JOB
AND AN APARTMENT?
THEY'RE RUNNING OUT THE CLOCK.
CALL TIMEOUT! CALL TIMEOUT!
HEY, IRENE!
YOU KNOW, WHAT'S
REALLY GOOD LUCK
IS WHEN YOU GIVE
SOMEBODY YOUR PURSE
AND THEN THEY
LOCK IT IN THE CLOSET.
YOU'RE INSANE.
HOW'D IT GO?
GOOD NEWS. FALSE ALARM.
YOU'RE NOT THE FATHER.
IT'S YOUR BUDDY PETE.
WHAT?
ASHLEY JUST TOLD ME.
CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK.
NO WAY. NO WAY.
ALL THEY DO IS FIGHT.
OH, RIGHT.
AND FIGHTING NEVER LEADS TO SEX?
I MEAN, HOW DID YOU AND
ASHLEY GET TOGETHER, ANYWAY?
YEAH...
I'M GONNA BE SICK.
OKAY, EVERYBODY, DINNER'S READY.
OH, WOW. IT SMELLS
GREAT, JOHNNY.
THANK YOU.
AT LEAST SOMEBODY AROUND
HERE APPRECIATES MY COOKING.
WELL, WHY DON'T
YOU JUST MARRY HER?
DAMN TO HELL! THE COWBOYS LOST!
IRENE, IRENE, IRENE...
NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!
I DON'T LIKE LOSING.
I HATE LOSING.
I CAN'T STAND
ANOTHER DAY OF LOSING.
HEY, HEY, IRENE, IT'S NOT
WHETHER YOU WIN OR LOSE,
IT'S HOW YOU HANDLE
NEVER WINNING.
OKAY, WHO WOULD LIKE TO TRY
SOME GREAT CRANBERRY SAUCE?
I'VE SEEN BETTER FOOD
IN MY OVERCOAT POCKET.
HEY, I'LL TRY SOME.
OOH, LOOK AT ASHLEY DIG
IN TO JOHNNY'S CRANBERRIES.
WE SHOULD GO AROUND THE TABLE
AND TELL EACH OTHER
WHAT WE'RE THANKFUL FOR.
WHY DON'T WE START WITH YOU?
PASS. COME ON.
I SAID PASS!
OKAY.
UM, ANYBODY ELSE?
THERE'S SOMETHING
I'D LIKE TO SAY.
WAIT. LET ASHLEY GO FIRST.
UM, I'D LIKE TO TALK
TO BERG IN PRIVATE.
WHY BOTHER? THEY'RE GONNA
FIND OUT SOONER OR LATER.
ASHLEY'S PREGNANT.
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
AND I'M NOT THE FATHER.
HOW COULD YOU?!
NOT JOHNNY! IT WAS PETE!
WHAT?!
PETE? OH, MY GOD.
NO, NO, NO, WAIT.
NO, IRENE! NO! SHE'S GOT A GUN!
AAH!
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING, YOU LUNATIC?!
GIVE ME THE GUN!
WHERE'S THE GUN?!
GUN?! I HATE GUNS! I
WAS GETTING A TISSUE!
WHO TOLD YOU THAT
I WAS PREGNANT?
HOBO CHET.
I'M... I'M NOT LAUGHING
AT YOU GUYS.
I'M LAUGHING AT PETE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU WERE LYING?
W-WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?
WE INVITE YOU INTO OUR HOME,
AND ALL YOU DO IS GET US
FIGHTING WITH EACH OTHER?
IT'S MY VERSION OF
DINNER AND A SHOW.
AH, YOU GUYS ARE GONNA
HAVE TO EXCUSE ME.
I'M OFF TO FEED THE HOMELESS.
WHOA, WHAT ABOUT MY SUIT?
I'LL BRING IT BACK IN A WEEK.
I'VE GOT A WEDDING
IN RHODE ISLAND.
HA HA HA HA!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING, GANG.
PETE, DID YOU HAVE
TO TACKLE ME SO HARD?
IT REALLY HURT MY SHOULDER.
I-I'M SORRY, IRENE.
I WAS JUST TRYING TO
PROTECT MY FRIENDS...
AND, IN THE PROCESS,
OF COURSE, YOU.
OH, PETE, LOOK...
YOU FOUND MY SMILE.
SO, ANYWAY, ASHLEY,
I CUT YOU OFF.
YOU WANTED TO TELL ME
SOMETHING IN PRIVATE?
YOU'RE AN ASS.
DON'T YOU THINK I WOULD
TELL YOU IF I WERE PREGNANT?
AND WHO IN THEIR RIGHT
MIND WOULD SLEEP WITH PETE?
OKAY, I'M SITTING RIGHT HERE.
LISTEN, BERG,
I WANT YOU TO
KNOW I LOVED YOU...
AND YOU HURT ME.
AND I COULDN'T LEAVE
UNTIL I COULD ADMIT THAT.
AND I'M ONLY TELLING YOU NOW
BECAUSE I WANT TO MOVE ON.
SO, JOHNNY, I ACCEPT YOUR OFFER.
OH, UM...
JUST ONE MINUTE.
OF COURSE SHE CAN, JOHNNY.
OH, GOSH. YOU KNOW,
ASHLEY IS OUR FRIEND.
COME ON. LET'S GO CELEBRATE.
JOHNNY BOUGHT A
BOX OF CHAMPAGNE.
YOU OKAY, BERG?
I'M FINE.
IT'S JUST, UH,
I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE
LEFT ME ON THANKSGIVING.
YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO
REFER TO ASHLEY AS A GIRL.
IT SETS HER OFF.
THAT AND EVERYTHING ON
THIS LIST BERG AND I COMPILED.
IT'S JUST SOME OF
HER HOT BUTTONS.
WHEN YOU'RE HOME AND SHE
COMES HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL...
DON'T DO THAT.
WHEN YOU TAKE A SHOWER,
DON'T LEAVE WATER IN THE TUB.
OR HAIR. OR SOAP.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
BEST BET... AVOID THE SHOWER.
IT'S ALL ON THE
LIST. HEY, JOHNNY...
LET ME SEE YOU SMILE.
WHY?
WE WANNA REMEMBER YOU THIS WAY.