Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 3, Episode 10 - Liver and Learn - full transcript
Pete is helping Ashley move up to Johnny and Sharon's apartment. But just as she leaves, Pete's grandfather, Charlie, moves in. He left his wife but didn't tell her where he was going. Charlie has serious liver damage and doesn't have long to live. However, he hasn't told Pete yet. Johnny is having a lot of trouble coping with two women in the apartment, particularly when it comes to matters of privacy. He accidentally sees Ashley topless and then surprises her in the shower.
OH, HEY!
HELLO, ASHLEY'S DISH TOWEL.
OH... I'M SO SORRY
YOU CAN'T STAY.
NO, NO! NO, NO, NO! DON'T
BE SAD, DON'T BE SAD!
LOOK... ALL YOUR
FRIENDS ARE IN THE BOX.
OW! OWW!
HOW WAS THE GYM?
EVERYTHING IN
THERE WAS SO... HEAVY!
I KNOW YOU'RE TRYING
TO AVOID ASHLEY,
BUT DON'T YOU THINK GETTIN'
IN SHAPE IS A LITTLE EXTREME?
NO. NO, IT'S NOT.
I AM SICK AND TIRED OF
DEALING WITH THAT PAIN IN THE A...
ASHLEY'S HERE! ASHLEY!
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME SHE WAS HERE.
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME SHE
MOVED IN, SO WE'RE EVEN.
WELL, THIS IS THE
LAST OF MY STUFF.
EVERYTHING ELSE IS ALREADY
AT SHARON AND JOHNNY'S.
OKAY, THEN.
[CLEARS THROAT]
THANKS, PETE.
TAKE CARE.
BERG, I CAN'T LET
IT END THIS WAY.
I-I'M STILL NOT SURE WHAT
WENT WRONG BETWEEN US.
EVEN THOUGH WE'RE NOT
GOING TO BE TOGETHER,
WE'RE STILL GOING TO BE
SEEING A LOT OF EACH OTHER.
SO FOR THE LAST TIME,
IF THERE IS ANYTHING
YOU WANT TO SAY TO ME,
NOW'S THE CHANCE.
UM... ISN'T IT FUNNY...
YOU ONLY REALIZE HOW MUCH
STUFF YOU HAVE WHEN YOU MOVE?
WOW.
DEEPER THAN I EXPECTED.
HA HA!
IS SHE REALLY GONE?
I THINK SO.
YEAH, THE TEMPERATURE
JUST WENT UP.
FINALLY! WE HAVE THE
PLACE BACK TO OURSELVES!
OH, YEAH!
[High-pitched voice]
THIS HOUSE... IS CLEAN.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!
SEE, SHE'S LIKE
SATAN'S BOOMERANG!
HI, PETE! I'M MOVIN' IN!
SINCE THE BREAKUP,
SHE HAS NOT AGED WELL.
GRANDPA?
YEAH?
WHY IS THERE A POSTER OF
BARBARA WALTERS OVER MY BED?
'CAUSE THEY RAN
OUT OF RUTH BUZZI.
WELL, WHEN ARE YOU PLANNIN'
ON GOIN' HOME TO GRANDMOM?
NO WAY I'M GOIN'
HOME TO THAT HARPY.
AT LEAST CALL HER AND LET
HER KNOW YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
HEY, SHE'S 81. SHE THINKS
I'M IN THE OTHER ROOM.
ENOUGH WITH THESE CIGARS!
MY BEDROOM SMELLS LIKE
CLINT EASTWOOD'S RANGE ROVER.
OHHHHHH!
I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!
[GASPS] WHOO! WHAT'S
THAT BEHIND YOUR EAR?
WHEE!
SUDDENLY, IT'S NOT SO
SMOKY AROUND HERE.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, QUIT IT.
YOU MAKE A LOUSY RUNAWAY,
AND YOU'RE MUCH TOO OLD
TO BE A TEENAGE PROSTITUTE.
THIS FROM THE AVON LADY!
I AM NOT AN AVON LADY!
I'M VICE-PRESIDENT OF SALES
FOR A VERY BIG COSMETIC COMPANY.
BERG, TELL HIM!
IT'S TRUE. PETE IS LEADING
THE CHARGE TO BRING BACK PINK.
THANK YOU, BERG.
AND YOU... CALL GRANDMOM!
AND DON'T PRETEND TO
BE HER DEAD SISTER AGAIN!
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
WHOA!
THAT'S... THAT'S A LOT OF
PILLS YOU GOT THERE, CHARLIE.
IF THOSE ARE VIAGRA,
YOU'RE GONNA BE
WALKIN' IN FRONT OF ME.
NO, NO, NO.
MY BUDDY VIC TAKES THIS
PINK ONE FOR HIS STOMACH,
AND THE YELLOW ONES
ARE FOR SALLY'S ARTHRITIS.
AND THESE ARE IN CASE
LOU GETS A LITTLE BACKED UP.
[CHUCKLES]
MMM... YOU KNOW,
CHARLIE... MM-HMM?
FOR JUST A LITTLE EXTRA,
A DOCTOR CAN PRESCRIBE PILLS
ESPECIALLY CHOSEN FOR YOU.
DOCTORS ARE IDIOTS!
I HAVEN'T SEEN A
DOCTOR IN 14 YEARS.
I DON'T BELIEVE IN 'EM.
YES. APPARENTLY, YOU
TRUST PHARMACISTS.
WELL, THEY'RE TALL.
CHARLIE, YOU NEED TO
GET A CHECKUP, ALL RIGHT?
WHY DON'T YOU COME
WITH ME TO THE HOSPITAL?
NO WAY!
HALF OF MY FRIENDS
ARE IN THE HOSPITAL,
AND THEY'RE ALL SICK!
OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
BUT DON'T COME CRYING TO ME
WHEN CAROL'S ESTROGEN
MAKES YOUR BOOBIES GROW.
MMM! SMELLS GOOD!
WHAT ARE YOU MAKIN'?
ONE OF MY SPECIAL OMELETS.
UH, JOHNNY, I HAVEN'T
BOUGHT EGGS IN MONTHS.
THAT'S WHAT MAKES 'EM SPECIAL.
GOOD MORNING. GOOD MORNING.
ASHLEY! HA HA HA!
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
I'M ONLY WEARING UNDERWEAR.
[LAUGHTER]
JOHNNY, DID YOU FORGET
THAT I WAS MOVIN' IN?
[Laughing] NO.
YEAH.
CAN YOU... CAN YOU GO IN
THE BACK FOR A SECOND?
THIS FLY DOESN'T BUTTON.
JOHNNY... I'M A DOCTOR.
YOU'RE NOT MY DOCTOR.
FOR GOD'S SAKES,
ASHLEY LIVES HERE NOW.
IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.
JUST GET UP AND GET USED TO IT.
IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL
BETTER, I WON'T EVEN LOOK.
I SEE LONDON, I SEE FRANCE...
I'M IN FOR $10.
WHAT'LL THAT COST ME?
YOU LET ME TAKE
YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE.
NO... WAIT... MAKE IT $20...
AND I GET A PEEK UP YOUR NOSE.
CALL.
STRAIGHT. UHHH!
I NEVER WOULD HAVE
LET YOU TALK ME INTO THIS
IF I THOUGHT YOU
COULD PLAY POKER!
YOU SHOULD'VE TAKEN
ME UP ON RACQUETBALL.
I WAS BLUFFING.
YOU CAN'T TELL PETE
I LET YOU DO THIS.
YEAH, HE'D BE JUST
SICK WITH JEALOUSY.
HEY, I'M THE PATIENT.
YOU CAN'T TELL HIM.
I KNOW MY RIGHTS.
FINE. BUT I'M GONNA
NEED SOME FLUID.
I ALREADY GAVE YOU
A GALLON OF BLOOD.
THE OTHER FLUID.
NO WAY!
COME ON, CHARLIE!
WORK WITH ME HERE!
YOU WIN, YOU GET 10 BUCKS!
I WIN, I GET A CUP OF URINE.
BOY, AT THE SENIOR CENTER,
WE PLAY FOR PRETZELS.
HEY.
WHERE'S GRANDPA?
HE WENT INTO YOUR
ROOM TO HAVE A CIGAR.
WHAT?!
WHY DIDN'T HE JUST
SIT OUT HERE WITH YOU?
OH, HE DIDN'T WANT TO
BOTHER ME WITH THE SMOKE.
[SIGHS]
MAN, I DON'T KNOW HOW
MUCH MORE OF THIS I CAN TAKE!
COME ON, YOU TWO LOVE TAKIN'
SHOTS AT EACH OTHER. NOW.
YOU'RE LIKE FELIX AND OSCAR...
BUT WITHOUT THE SEXUAL TENSION.
YOU LOVE IT. ADMIT IT.
YEAH, I GUESS YOU'RE
RIGHT. I DO LOVE SEEIN' HIM.
HEY!
HEY! PETE, YOU'RE HOME!
DING-DONG! AVON CALLING!
[LAUGHS]
YES, THAT'S VERY FUNNY.
YOU'LL HAVE TO DO THAT TO ME
EVERY TIME I VISIT
YOU AT THE HOME.
AW, PETE!
I'M SORRY I GAVE YOU A
HARD TIME ABOUT YOUR JOB.
I TRIED SOME OF
THAT SOAP YOU SELL.
IT WASN'T HALF BAD.
SEE? I TOLD YOU,
IT'S A GOOD COMPANY.
AND I'M PROUD OF YOUR WORK.
THANK YOU.
OH, BY THE WAY, DID
YOU CALL GRANDMOM?
YEAH. UH-HUH.
YOU'RE SURE?
WELL, I HOPE SO,
OR ELSE I TOLD A
PERFECT STRANGER
ABOUT MY MORNING BOWEL MOVEMENT.
OH! I AM SO SORRY!
OH, NO, NO, NO. IT'S MY FAULT.
I D-DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING...
NOT THAT THERE
WASN'T ANYTHING TO SEE!
I DIDN'T SEE THOSE, EITHER!
I SHOULD JUST GO.
WHOA! OH, GOSH!
JOHNNY! WHAT'S GOIN' ON?
NOTHIN'! NOTHING AT ALL!
HE SAW MY BOOBS.
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
I WAS JUST WALKING ALONG,
AND THEN... THERE THEY WERE.
[SNICKERS]
[LAUGHS]
OH, SWEETIE! DID THE
BOOBS SCARE YOU?
JUST FORGET IT.
I'M GOIN' IN MY BEDROOM.
WHAT FOR?
OKAY, I'M GOIN' OUTSIDE!
HEY, ASHLEY...
OH, GEE! YOU DON'T LIVE
IN THIS ROOM, DO YOU?
I DON'T HAVE TO MOVE OUT?
NO.
LOOK, I-I REALLY
NEED TO TALK TO YOU.
NO, THANKS, BERG! IT'S TOO LATE.
I GAVE YOU AN OPPORTUNITY
TO TALK BEFORE.
BUT NO! YOU HAD NOTHIN' TO SAY!
AND NOW WE'RE AT THE HOSPITAL,
WHERE IT IS COMPLETELY
UNPROFESSIONAL
TO TALK ABOUT
OUR PERSONAL LIVES!
I'D LIKE YOUR OPINION
ON THESE TESTS.
OH.
SURE.
BUT... IF YOU HAD WANTED TO
TALK ABOUT PERSONAL STUFF,
THEN... YOU WOULD
HAVE BEEN WRONG.
OH, GOSH. THIS IS REALLY BAD.
IT'S CHARLIE...
PETE'S GRANDFATHER.
OH, NO. I'M SORRY.
WHAT DOES HIS
DOCTOR HAVE TO SAY?
HE DOESN'T HAVE A DOCTOR.
I THINK THE LAST DOCTOR HE
SAW BLED HIM WITH LEECHES.
I HAD TO RUN THESE TESTS MYSELF.
HOW'D YOU GET SAMPLES?
I DREW A STRAIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHO'S
GREAT? DR. GRAYSON.
AND I BET YOU CAN
GET CHARLIE IN TODAY.
NO, I CAN'T GET HIM
INTO A HOSPITAL.
HE THINKS ALL
DOCTORS ARE IDIOTS.
WELL, CAN YOU BLAME HIM?
HIS ONLY EXPERIENCE IS
THE LEECH GUY AND YOU.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS
IS HAPPENING TO ME.
I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS!
DO WHAT?
TELL MY BEST FRIEND'S
GRANDFATHER HE'S GONNA DIE.
OH. OH, GOSH. POOR BERG!
CHARLIE'S REALLY PUT YOU IN
AN UNCOMFORTABLE POSITION.
ASHLEY, I WAS JUST...
DOING WHAT YOU ALWAYS DO...
TRYING TO AVOID ANYTHING
THAT'S THE LEAST BIT UNPLEASANT.
WELL, YOU WANTED
TO PLAY DOCTOR, BERG.
NOW GO... BE A DOCTOR.
AND IF YOU'RE A GOOD BOY,
I'LL PUT SOME BALLS IN YOUR
STOCKING THIS CHRISTMAS.
BUT THAT'LL ONLY
LEAVE YOU WITH TWO.
HEY... CHARLIE.
HEY, BERG.
I FOUND THE PLAYBOY CHANNEL.
I DON'T THINK I LIKE
THIS ARTSY PORN.
THE CHANNEL'S SCRAMBLED.
LISTEN, CHARLIE, I...
HAVE TO TALK TO YOU.
HEY! MRS. ABERNATHY
WAS COMIN' ON TO ME!
OKAY, LOOK, UM... I
HAVE SOME NEWS.
AND, UH... AND IT'S NOT GOOD.
I SEE. SO IT'S GREAT?
NO. THINK "CUP HALF EMPTY."
YOU SPILLED MY SAMPLE.
NO!
LOOK... I GOT YOUR
TEST RESULTS BACK.
IT'S YOUR LIVER.
IT'S FUNCTIONING DOWN
AROUND 40% RIGHT NOW.
SHOULD I SELL OR
WAIT TILL IT SPLITS?
CHARLIE, COME ON, PLEASE!
THIS IS VERY SERIOUS!
YOU ARE VERY...
VERY SICK.
YES!
I KNOW. THE LIVER IS SHOT.
AND I GOT ABOUT SIX MONTHS LEFT.
Y-YOU KNOW?
THAT'S WHAT THEY
TOLD ME 14 YEARS AGO!
THAT'S TERRIBLE!
YOU'VE HAD 6 MONTHS
TO LIVE FOR 14 YEARS?!
I TOLD YOU... THE
DOCTORS ARE IDIOTS!
I KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE
ANY FAITH IN HOSPITALS,
BUT I THINK YOU SHOULD
GO IN FOR TREATMENTS.
WHY?
CAN THEY CURE ME?
NO. BUT THEY MIGHT BE
ABLE TO DO SOMETHING.
SURE... THEY'LL PUT
ME IN HALF A ROBE
AND PARADE ME IN FRONT
OF FRIGHTENED CHILDREN.
FINE. YOU WON'T LISTEN TO ME?
THEN MAYBE YOU'LL
LISTEN TO PETE.
YOU CAN'T TELL PETE!
THAT WOULD VIOLATE THE
PATIENT/IDIOT PRIVILEGE!
HA HA!
YOU CAN'T EXPECT ME
TO KEEP THIS FROM HIM!
HE LOVES YOU! HE
DESERVES TO KNOW!
I'LL TELL HIM WHEN
THE TIME IS RIGHT!
NOW... HOW 'BOUT A LITTLE POKER?
I HAD A CUP OF COFFEE
ABOUT AN HOUR AGO.
MORNIN'.
[Yawns] MORNIN'.
HEY, RICKY,
CAN YOU RUN DOWN TO FRED
AND ETHEL'S FOR A CUP OF SUGAR?
[LAUGHS WEAKLY]
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
I MADE YOU SOME EGGS.
MMM! SUNNY SIDE UP?
YEP, SO THEY'LL REMIND
YOU OF ASHLEY'S BREASTS.
WILL YOU JUST DROP IT?!
[Laughing] I CAN'T.
YOU WERE SO FUNNY...
ALL STUTTERING AND NERVOUS.
WELL, WHEN A MAN SEES BREASTS,
HIS BRAIN FUNCTIONS
AT ABOUT 10%.
OH, YOU POOR THING.
YOU WERE LIKE A DEER
CAUGHT IN ASHLEY'S HEADLIGHTS.
IT TOOK ME BY SURPRISE.
THEY WERE NOTHING
LIKE I PICTURED THEM.
YOU'VE PICTURED THEM?!
ONLY FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN
I WENT RIGHT BACK TO YOURS.
IT'S OKAY, HONEY.
NO, HON, I DIDN'T
MEAN IT LIKE THAT.
I KNOW. IT'S OKAY.
DOESN'T SOUND OKAY.
WELL... [Laughs] IT'S STUPID.
NO. WHAT, WHAT?
IT'S JUST...
IT'D BE NICE IF I STILL HAD
THAT SAME EFFECT ON YOU.
I MEAN, WHEN WAS THE
LAST TIME YOU SAW ME NAKED
AND RAN SCREAMING FROM A ROOM?
IT WASN'T THAT LONG AGO.
OKAY, OKAY... WHAT
ABOUT THE OTHER DAY?
I WAS WALKIN' AROUND BUCK NAKED,
AND YOU ASKED ME
FOR CHANGE FOR A $20!
THAT'S BECAUSE WHEN I
LOOKED AT YOUR BOTTOM,
I SAW TWO 10s.
I JUST... WISH I COULD
STILL SURPRISE YOU
EVERY NOW AND THEN.
I GUESS I JUST MISS
BEING NEW TO YOU.
OH, HONEY, YOU ARE.
OKAY. I'M GONNA
GO TAKE A SHOWER.
OKAY.
HEY, SHARON.
OH, HEY, ASH. I DIDN'T
KNOW YOU WERE HERE.
OH, DO YOU NEED THE BATHROOM?
OH, NO, THAT'S OKAY. GO AHEAD.
[SHOWER RUNNING]
YOU WANT SURPRISES?
I'LL GIVE YOU SURPRISES.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
Ashley: HEY, THERE.
AAAAAAAAH!
AAAAAAH!
FROM NOW ON, YOU WEAR A BELL!
WHERE IS HE?
SHH! HE'S NAPPIN'.
GRANDPA, GET OUT HERE!!
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?!
I CALLED MY GRANDMOM.
HE LIED ABOUT CALLING
HER. SHE WAS WORRIED SICK.
GET YOUR OLD-MAN SMELL OUT HERE!
I REALLY THINK YOU SHOULD
BE NICE TO YOUR GRANDFATHER.
BERG, GET OUT OF MY WAY.
I HAVE SOME
WRINKLED BUTT TO KICK.
HIYA, PETEY!
WHATCHA BEEN DOIN' ALL DAY?
OH, NOTHIN' MUCH.
LET'S SEE... I SOAKED
MY DENTURES,
I LISTENED TO A DIRTY MOVIE.
HOW 'BOUT YOU? DID YOU
GIVE ANY GOOD MAKEOVERS?
NO, I COULDN'T.
YOU SEE, I WAS TOO BUSY
LISTENING TO GRANDMA CRY
BECAUSE SHE HAD NO
IDEA WHERE YOU WERE.
YOU SAID YOU CALLED HER!
WELL, I THOUGHT I DID.
I'M GETTIN' OLD. I CAN'T
REMEMBER EVERYTHING.
WOULD YOU KNOCK IT OFF?!
GRANDPA, YOU'RE GOING HOME,
AND YOU'RE GOING HOME NOW!
YOU CAN'T JUST KICK HIM OUT.
GIMME ONE GOOD REASON WHY.
BECAUSE HE'S... I
MEAN, HE HAS A...
BECAUSE HE PROMISED
TO TEACH ME TO WHITTLE.
GRANDPA, YOU'RE GOING HOME.
Just tell him!
It's not the right time.
BESIDES, I KNOW WHAT
HE REALLY WANTS.
[CHUCKLES]
AH, PETEY, LET ME
LOOK BEHIND THAT EAR.
[GASPS]
I DON'T WANT TO PLAY.
GRANDMOM WAS
REALLY, REALLY SCARED.
SHE DESERVES BETTER THAN THAT.
SO DO ME A FAVOR...
ROLL UP BARBARA
WALTERS AND GO HOME!
YOU REALLY MEAN THAT?
YES, I DO!
ALL RIGHT. YOU WIN.
I'LL GO.
AND BY THE WAY... I'M DYING.
NOW YOU TELL HIM.
IT WAS THE RIGHT TIME!
NO.
ASK HIM.
IT'S TRUE.
I EXAMINED HIM MYSELF...
DOUBLE-CHECKED THE RESULTS.
THEY TOLD HIM SIX MONTHS.
AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?
I COULDN'T.
HE'S MY GRANDFATHER!
YEAH, I'M HIS GRANDFATHER!
OKAY! ALL RIGHT!
YOU ARE HIS GRANDFATHER,
SO TALK TO HIM!
YOU'RE DYING?
SO ARE YOU! EVERYBODY IS!
DON'T MAKE IT SUCH A BIG DEAL.
WHAT'S... WHAT'S WRONG?
IT'S MY LIVER.
IT COULD BE WORSE...
LIVER WORSE! [liverwurst]
[LAUGHS]
I-I JUST... I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME.
I-I WOULD HAVE TREATED
YOU DIFFERENTLY.
I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO.
BUT I WAS SO MEAN TO YOU.
YEAH, AND TO A DYING MAN!
DOES, UH, GRANDMOM
KNOW... THAT YOU'RE DYING?
ARE YOU KIDDIN'? IT'S HER IDEA!
ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?
THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHIN'
THAT THE DOCTORS CAN DO.
HEY, PETE... I'M 82.
MOST MEN LIVE TILL THEY'RE 76.
I'M ALREADY IN THE BONUS ROUND.
I LOVE YOU, GRANDPA.
OH, THERE, THERE.
NOW YOU'RE GONNA GET
MASCARA ALL OVER MY SHIRT.
HEY.
HEY.
DID YOU TALK TO CHARLIE?
[Sighing] YEAH.
OH. HOW'D IT GO?
I'M STILL A LITTLE SHAKEN UP.
I MEANT FOR HIM.
OH. HE'S FINE.
UH, ASHLEY... YEAH?
LISTEN, I WAS THINKIN'...
WELL, THAT'S NEVER
GONE VERY WELL FOR YOU.
LOOK, SINCE WE'RE
NOT IN THE HOSPITAL,
I-I JUST... I JUST THOUGHT
I SHOULD TELL YOU, UM...
I REGRET HOW THINGS
ENDED UP BETWEEN US.
I PROBABLY COULD
HAVE HANDLED IT BETTER.
I JUST LIKE IT WHEN
EVERYONE'S HAPPY,
AND WHEN THEY'RE
NOT, OR WHEN I'M NOT,
I... KIND OF CHECK OUT.
OKAY.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
AND ABOUT US...
I DON'T KNOW IF WE WERE
WRONG OR IF I WAS JUST WRONG,
BUT, UM... I MADE A DECISION,
AND I HAVE TO TAKE
RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT,
LIKE YOU SAID.
T-THAT'S IT.
OKAY.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
I JUST SAID SOME REALLY
HONEST STUFF THERE.
DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY?
OH... I SEE.
UM... WOW, BERG.
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU REALLY
HAVE TAKEN STOCK OF YOURSELF.
AND YOU'VE REALIZED THAT YOUR
ACTIONS COME WITH CONSEQUENCES,
AND THAT'S ONE TINY
STEP TOWARDS MATURITY.
BUT, HEY, IT'S A
GIANT LEAP FOR YOU!
HOORAY! HOORAY FOR BERG!
THE LAST TIME I GROW
IN FRONT OF PEOPLE.
[SHOWER RUNNING]
ASHLEY?
Ashley: WHAT IS IT, JOHNNY?
NOTHIN'. NEVER MIND.
SEE ANYTHING YOU LIKE?
AAAAAAAAAAH!
AAAAH! AAAAH!
HELLO, ASHLEY'S DISH TOWEL.
OH... I'M SO SORRY
YOU CAN'T STAY.
NO, NO! NO, NO, NO! DON'T
BE SAD, DON'T BE SAD!
LOOK... ALL YOUR
FRIENDS ARE IN THE BOX.
OW! OWW!
HOW WAS THE GYM?
EVERYTHING IN
THERE WAS SO... HEAVY!
I KNOW YOU'RE TRYING
TO AVOID ASHLEY,
BUT DON'T YOU THINK GETTIN'
IN SHAPE IS A LITTLE EXTREME?
NO. NO, IT'S NOT.
I AM SICK AND TIRED OF
DEALING WITH THAT PAIN IN THE A...
ASHLEY'S HERE! ASHLEY!
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME SHE WAS HERE.
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME SHE
MOVED IN, SO WE'RE EVEN.
WELL, THIS IS THE
LAST OF MY STUFF.
EVERYTHING ELSE IS ALREADY
AT SHARON AND JOHNNY'S.
OKAY, THEN.
[CLEARS THROAT]
THANKS, PETE.
TAKE CARE.
BERG, I CAN'T LET
IT END THIS WAY.
I-I'M STILL NOT SURE WHAT
WENT WRONG BETWEEN US.
EVEN THOUGH WE'RE NOT
GOING TO BE TOGETHER,
WE'RE STILL GOING TO BE
SEEING A LOT OF EACH OTHER.
SO FOR THE LAST TIME,
IF THERE IS ANYTHING
YOU WANT TO SAY TO ME,
NOW'S THE CHANCE.
UM... ISN'T IT FUNNY...
YOU ONLY REALIZE HOW MUCH
STUFF YOU HAVE WHEN YOU MOVE?
WOW.
DEEPER THAN I EXPECTED.
HA HA!
IS SHE REALLY GONE?
I THINK SO.
YEAH, THE TEMPERATURE
JUST WENT UP.
FINALLY! WE HAVE THE
PLACE BACK TO OURSELVES!
OH, YEAH!
[High-pitched voice]
THIS HOUSE... IS CLEAN.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!
SEE, SHE'S LIKE
SATAN'S BOOMERANG!
HI, PETE! I'M MOVIN' IN!
SINCE THE BREAKUP,
SHE HAS NOT AGED WELL.
GRANDPA?
YEAH?
WHY IS THERE A POSTER OF
BARBARA WALTERS OVER MY BED?
'CAUSE THEY RAN
OUT OF RUTH BUZZI.
WELL, WHEN ARE YOU PLANNIN'
ON GOIN' HOME TO GRANDMOM?
NO WAY I'M GOIN'
HOME TO THAT HARPY.
AT LEAST CALL HER AND LET
HER KNOW YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
HEY, SHE'S 81. SHE THINKS
I'M IN THE OTHER ROOM.
ENOUGH WITH THESE CIGARS!
MY BEDROOM SMELLS LIKE
CLINT EASTWOOD'S RANGE ROVER.
OHHHHHH!
I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!
[GASPS] WHOO! WHAT'S
THAT BEHIND YOUR EAR?
WHEE!
SUDDENLY, IT'S NOT SO
SMOKY AROUND HERE.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, QUIT IT.
YOU MAKE A LOUSY RUNAWAY,
AND YOU'RE MUCH TOO OLD
TO BE A TEENAGE PROSTITUTE.
THIS FROM THE AVON LADY!
I AM NOT AN AVON LADY!
I'M VICE-PRESIDENT OF SALES
FOR A VERY BIG COSMETIC COMPANY.
BERG, TELL HIM!
IT'S TRUE. PETE IS LEADING
THE CHARGE TO BRING BACK PINK.
THANK YOU, BERG.
AND YOU... CALL GRANDMOM!
AND DON'T PRETEND TO
BE HER DEAD SISTER AGAIN!
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
WHOA!
THAT'S... THAT'S A LOT OF
PILLS YOU GOT THERE, CHARLIE.
IF THOSE ARE VIAGRA,
YOU'RE GONNA BE
WALKIN' IN FRONT OF ME.
NO, NO, NO.
MY BUDDY VIC TAKES THIS
PINK ONE FOR HIS STOMACH,
AND THE YELLOW ONES
ARE FOR SALLY'S ARTHRITIS.
AND THESE ARE IN CASE
LOU GETS A LITTLE BACKED UP.
[CHUCKLES]
MMM... YOU KNOW,
CHARLIE... MM-HMM?
FOR JUST A LITTLE EXTRA,
A DOCTOR CAN PRESCRIBE PILLS
ESPECIALLY CHOSEN FOR YOU.
DOCTORS ARE IDIOTS!
I HAVEN'T SEEN A
DOCTOR IN 14 YEARS.
I DON'T BELIEVE IN 'EM.
YES. APPARENTLY, YOU
TRUST PHARMACISTS.
WELL, THEY'RE TALL.
CHARLIE, YOU NEED TO
GET A CHECKUP, ALL RIGHT?
WHY DON'T YOU COME
WITH ME TO THE HOSPITAL?
NO WAY!
HALF OF MY FRIENDS
ARE IN THE HOSPITAL,
AND THEY'RE ALL SICK!
OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
BUT DON'T COME CRYING TO ME
WHEN CAROL'S ESTROGEN
MAKES YOUR BOOBIES GROW.
MMM! SMELLS GOOD!
WHAT ARE YOU MAKIN'?
ONE OF MY SPECIAL OMELETS.
UH, JOHNNY, I HAVEN'T
BOUGHT EGGS IN MONTHS.
THAT'S WHAT MAKES 'EM SPECIAL.
GOOD MORNING. GOOD MORNING.
ASHLEY! HA HA HA!
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
I'M ONLY WEARING UNDERWEAR.
[LAUGHTER]
JOHNNY, DID YOU FORGET
THAT I WAS MOVIN' IN?
[Laughing] NO.
YEAH.
CAN YOU... CAN YOU GO IN
THE BACK FOR A SECOND?
THIS FLY DOESN'T BUTTON.
JOHNNY... I'M A DOCTOR.
YOU'RE NOT MY DOCTOR.
FOR GOD'S SAKES,
ASHLEY LIVES HERE NOW.
IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.
JUST GET UP AND GET USED TO IT.
IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL
BETTER, I WON'T EVEN LOOK.
I SEE LONDON, I SEE FRANCE...
I'M IN FOR $10.
WHAT'LL THAT COST ME?
YOU LET ME TAKE
YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE.
NO... WAIT... MAKE IT $20...
AND I GET A PEEK UP YOUR NOSE.
CALL.
STRAIGHT. UHHH!
I NEVER WOULD HAVE
LET YOU TALK ME INTO THIS
IF I THOUGHT YOU
COULD PLAY POKER!
YOU SHOULD'VE TAKEN
ME UP ON RACQUETBALL.
I WAS BLUFFING.
YOU CAN'T TELL PETE
I LET YOU DO THIS.
YEAH, HE'D BE JUST
SICK WITH JEALOUSY.
HEY, I'M THE PATIENT.
YOU CAN'T TELL HIM.
I KNOW MY RIGHTS.
FINE. BUT I'M GONNA
NEED SOME FLUID.
I ALREADY GAVE YOU
A GALLON OF BLOOD.
THE OTHER FLUID.
NO WAY!
COME ON, CHARLIE!
WORK WITH ME HERE!
YOU WIN, YOU GET 10 BUCKS!
I WIN, I GET A CUP OF URINE.
BOY, AT THE SENIOR CENTER,
WE PLAY FOR PRETZELS.
HEY.
WHERE'S GRANDPA?
HE WENT INTO YOUR
ROOM TO HAVE A CIGAR.
WHAT?!
WHY DIDN'T HE JUST
SIT OUT HERE WITH YOU?
OH, HE DIDN'T WANT TO
BOTHER ME WITH THE SMOKE.
[SIGHS]
MAN, I DON'T KNOW HOW
MUCH MORE OF THIS I CAN TAKE!
COME ON, YOU TWO LOVE TAKIN'
SHOTS AT EACH OTHER. NOW.
YOU'RE LIKE FELIX AND OSCAR...
BUT WITHOUT THE SEXUAL TENSION.
YOU LOVE IT. ADMIT IT.
YEAH, I GUESS YOU'RE
RIGHT. I DO LOVE SEEIN' HIM.
HEY!
HEY! PETE, YOU'RE HOME!
DING-DONG! AVON CALLING!
[LAUGHS]
YES, THAT'S VERY FUNNY.
YOU'LL HAVE TO DO THAT TO ME
EVERY TIME I VISIT
YOU AT THE HOME.
AW, PETE!
I'M SORRY I GAVE YOU A
HARD TIME ABOUT YOUR JOB.
I TRIED SOME OF
THAT SOAP YOU SELL.
IT WASN'T HALF BAD.
SEE? I TOLD YOU,
IT'S A GOOD COMPANY.
AND I'M PROUD OF YOUR WORK.
THANK YOU.
OH, BY THE WAY, DID
YOU CALL GRANDMOM?
YEAH. UH-HUH.
YOU'RE SURE?
WELL, I HOPE SO,
OR ELSE I TOLD A
PERFECT STRANGER
ABOUT MY MORNING BOWEL MOVEMENT.
OH! I AM SO SORRY!
OH, NO, NO, NO. IT'S MY FAULT.
I D-DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING...
NOT THAT THERE
WASN'T ANYTHING TO SEE!
I DIDN'T SEE THOSE, EITHER!
I SHOULD JUST GO.
WHOA! OH, GOSH!
JOHNNY! WHAT'S GOIN' ON?
NOTHIN'! NOTHING AT ALL!
HE SAW MY BOOBS.
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
I WAS JUST WALKING ALONG,
AND THEN... THERE THEY WERE.
[SNICKERS]
[LAUGHS]
OH, SWEETIE! DID THE
BOOBS SCARE YOU?
JUST FORGET IT.
I'M GOIN' IN MY BEDROOM.
WHAT FOR?
OKAY, I'M GOIN' OUTSIDE!
HEY, ASHLEY...
OH, GEE! YOU DON'T LIVE
IN THIS ROOM, DO YOU?
I DON'T HAVE TO MOVE OUT?
NO.
LOOK, I-I REALLY
NEED TO TALK TO YOU.
NO, THANKS, BERG! IT'S TOO LATE.
I GAVE YOU AN OPPORTUNITY
TO TALK BEFORE.
BUT NO! YOU HAD NOTHIN' TO SAY!
AND NOW WE'RE AT THE HOSPITAL,
WHERE IT IS COMPLETELY
UNPROFESSIONAL
TO TALK ABOUT
OUR PERSONAL LIVES!
I'D LIKE YOUR OPINION
ON THESE TESTS.
OH.
SURE.
BUT... IF YOU HAD WANTED TO
TALK ABOUT PERSONAL STUFF,
THEN... YOU WOULD
HAVE BEEN WRONG.
OH, GOSH. THIS IS REALLY BAD.
IT'S CHARLIE...
PETE'S GRANDFATHER.
OH, NO. I'M SORRY.
WHAT DOES HIS
DOCTOR HAVE TO SAY?
HE DOESN'T HAVE A DOCTOR.
I THINK THE LAST DOCTOR HE
SAW BLED HIM WITH LEECHES.
I HAD TO RUN THESE TESTS MYSELF.
HOW'D YOU GET SAMPLES?
I DREW A STRAIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHO'S
GREAT? DR. GRAYSON.
AND I BET YOU CAN
GET CHARLIE IN TODAY.
NO, I CAN'T GET HIM
INTO A HOSPITAL.
HE THINKS ALL
DOCTORS ARE IDIOTS.
WELL, CAN YOU BLAME HIM?
HIS ONLY EXPERIENCE IS
THE LEECH GUY AND YOU.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS
IS HAPPENING TO ME.
I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS!
DO WHAT?
TELL MY BEST FRIEND'S
GRANDFATHER HE'S GONNA DIE.
OH. OH, GOSH. POOR BERG!
CHARLIE'S REALLY PUT YOU IN
AN UNCOMFORTABLE POSITION.
ASHLEY, I WAS JUST...
DOING WHAT YOU ALWAYS DO...
TRYING TO AVOID ANYTHING
THAT'S THE LEAST BIT UNPLEASANT.
WELL, YOU WANTED
TO PLAY DOCTOR, BERG.
NOW GO... BE A DOCTOR.
AND IF YOU'RE A GOOD BOY,
I'LL PUT SOME BALLS IN YOUR
STOCKING THIS CHRISTMAS.
BUT THAT'LL ONLY
LEAVE YOU WITH TWO.
HEY... CHARLIE.
HEY, BERG.
I FOUND THE PLAYBOY CHANNEL.
I DON'T THINK I LIKE
THIS ARTSY PORN.
THE CHANNEL'S SCRAMBLED.
LISTEN, CHARLIE, I...
HAVE TO TALK TO YOU.
HEY! MRS. ABERNATHY
WAS COMIN' ON TO ME!
OKAY, LOOK, UM... I
HAVE SOME NEWS.
AND, UH... AND IT'S NOT GOOD.
I SEE. SO IT'S GREAT?
NO. THINK "CUP HALF EMPTY."
YOU SPILLED MY SAMPLE.
NO!
LOOK... I GOT YOUR
TEST RESULTS BACK.
IT'S YOUR LIVER.
IT'S FUNCTIONING DOWN
AROUND 40% RIGHT NOW.
SHOULD I SELL OR
WAIT TILL IT SPLITS?
CHARLIE, COME ON, PLEASE!
THIS IS VERY SERIOUS!
YOU ARE VERY...
VERY SICK.
YES!
I KNOW. THE LIVER IS SHOT.
AND I GOT ABOUT SIX MONTHS LEFT.
Y-YOU KNOW?
THAT'S WHAT THEY
TOLD ME 14 YEARS AGO!
THAT'S TERRIBLE!
YOU'VE HAD 6 MONTHS
TO LIVE FOR 14 YEARS?!
I TOLD YOU... THE
DOCTORS ARE IDIOTS!
I KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE
ANY FAITH IN HOSPITALS,
BUT I THINK YOU SHOULD
GO IN FOR TREATMENTS.
WHY?
CAN THEY CURE ME?
NO. BUT THEY MIGHT BE
ABLE TO DO SOMETHING.
SURE... THEY'LL PUT
ME IN HALF A ROBE
AND PARADE ME IN FRONT
OF FRIGHTENED CHILDREN.
FINE. YOU WON'T LISTEN TO ME?
THEN MAYBE YOU'LL
LISTEN TO PETE.
YOU CAN'T TELL PETE!
THAT WOULD VIOLATE THE
PATIENT/IDIOT PRIVILEGE!
HA HA!
YOU CAN'T EXPECT ME
TO KEEP THIS FROM HIM!
HE LOVES YOU! HE
DESERVES TO KNOW!
I'LL TELL HIM WHEN
THE TIME IS RIGHT!
NOW... HOW 'BOUT A LITTLE POKER?
I HAD A CUP OF COFFEE
ABOUT AN HOUR AGO.
MORNIN'.
[Yawns] MORNIN'.
HEY, RICKY,
CAN YOU RUN DOWN TO FRED
AND ETHEL'S FOR A CUP OF SUGAR?
[LAUGHS WEAKLY]
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
I MADE YOU SOME EGGS.
MMM! SUNNY SIDE UP?
YEP, SO THEY'LL REMIND
YOU OF ASHLEY'S BREASTS.
WILL YOU JUST DROP IT?!
[Laughing] I CAN'T.
YOU WERE SO FUNNY...
ALL STUTTERING AND NERVOUS.
WELL, WHEN A MAN SEES BREASTS,
HIS BRAIN FUNCTIONS
AT ABOUT 10%.
OH, YOU POOR THING.
YOU WERE LIKE A DEER
CAUGHT IN ASHLEY'S HEADLIGHTS.
IT TOOK ME BY SURPRISE.
THEY WERE NOTHING
LIKE I PICTURED THEM.
YOU'VE PICTURED THEM?!
ONLY FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN
I WENT RIGHT BACK TO YOURS.
IT'S OKAY, HONEY.
NO, HON, I DIDN'T
MEAN IT LIKE THAT.
I KNOW. IT'S OKAY.
DOESN'T SOUND OKAY.
WELL... [Laughs] IT'S STUPID.
NO. WHAT, WHAT?
IT'S JUST...
IT'D BE NICE IF I STILL HAD
THAT SAME EFFECT ON YOU.
I MEAN, WHEN WAS THE
LAST TIME YOU SAW ME NAKED
AND RAN SCREAMING FROM A ROOM?
IT WASN'T THAT LONG AGO.
OKAY, OKAY... WHAT
ABOUT THE OTHER DAY?
I WAS WALKIN' AROUND BUCK NAKED,
AND YOU ASKED ME
FOR CHANGE FOR A $20!
THAT'S BECAUSE WHEN I
LOOKED AT YOUR BOTTOM,
I SAW TWO 10s.
I JUST... WISH I COULD
STILL SURPRISE YOU
EVERY NOW AND THEN.
I GUESS I JUST MISS
BEING NEW TO YOU.
OH, HONEY, YOU ARE.
OKAY. I'M GONNA
GO TAKE A SHOWER.
OKAY.
HEY, SHARON.
OH, HEY, ASH. I DIDN'T
KNOW YOU WERE HERE.
OH, DO YOU NEED THE BATHROOM?
OH, NO, THAT'S OKAY. GO AHEAD.
[SHOWER RUNNING]
YOU WANT SURPRISES?
I'LL GIVE YOU SURPRISES.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
Ashley: HEY, THERE.
AAAAAAAAH!
AAAAAAH!
FROM NOW ON, YOU WEAR A BELL!
WHERE IS HE?
SHH! HE'S NAPPIN'.
GRANDPA, GET OUT HERE!!
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?!
I CALLED MY GRANDMOM.
HE LIED ABOUT CALLING
HER. SHE WAS WORRIED SICK.
GET YOUR OLD-MAN SMELL OUT HERE!
I REALLY THINK YOU SHOULD
BE NICE TO YOUR GRANDFATHER.
BERG, GET OUT OF MY WAY.
I HAVE SOME
WRINKLED BUTT TO KICK.
HIYA, PETEY!
WHATCHA BEEN DOIN' ALL DAY?
OH, NOTHIN' MUCH.
LET'S SEE... I SOAKED
MY DENTURES,
I LISTENED TO A DIRTY MOVIE.
HOW 'BOUT YOU? DID YOU
GIVE ANY GOOD MAKEOVERS?
NO, I COULDN'T.
YOU SEE, I WAS TOO BUSY
LISTENING TO GRANDMA CRY
BECAUSE SHE HAD NO
IDEA WHERE YOU WERE.
YOU SAID YOU CALLED HER!
WELL, I THOUGHT I DID.
I'M GETTIN' OLD. I CAN'T
REMEMBER EVERYTHING.
WOULD YOU KNOCK IT OFF?!
GRANDPA, YOU'RE GOING HOME,
AND YOU'RE GOING HOME NOW!
YOU CAN'T JUST KICK HIM OUT.
GIMME ONE GOOD REASON WHY.
BECAUSE HE'S... I
MEAN, HE HAS A...
BECAUSE HE PROMISED
TO TEACH ME TO WHITTLE.
GRANDPA, YOU'RE GOING HOME.
Just tell him!
It's not the right time.
BESIDES, I KNOW WHAT
HE REALLY WANTS.
[CHUCKLES]
AH, PETEY, LET ME
LOOK BEHIND THAT EAR.
[GASPS]
I DON'T WANT TO PLAY.
GRANDMOM WAS
REALLY, REALLY SCARED.
SHE DESERVES BETTER THAN THAT.
SO DO ME A FAVOR...
ROLL UP BARBARA
WALTERS AND GO HOME!
YOU REALLY MEAN THAT?
YES, I DO!
ALL RIGHT. YOU WIN.
I'LL GO.
AND BY THE WAY... I'M DYING.
NOW YOU TELL HIM.
IT WAS THE RIGHT TIME!
NO.
ASK HIM.
IT'S TRUE.
I EXAMINED HIM MYSELF...
DOUBLE-CHECKED THE RESULTS.
THEY TOLD HIM SIX MONTHS.
AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?
I COULDN'T.
HE'S MY GRANDFATHER!
YEAH, I'M HIS GRANDFATHER!
OKAY! ALL RIGHT!
YOU ARE HIS GRANDFATHER,
SO TALK TO HIM!
YOU'RE DYING?
SO ARE YOU! EVERYBODY IS!
DON'T MAKE IT SUCH A BIG DEAL.
WHAT'S... WHAT'S WRONG?
IT'S MY LIVER.
IT COULD BE WORSE...
LIVER WORSE! [liverwurst]
[LAUGHS]
I-I JUST... I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME.
I-I WOULD HAVE TREATED
YOU DIFFERENTLY.
I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO.
BUT I WAS SO MEAN TO YOU.
YEAH, AND TO A DYING MAN!
DOES, UH, GRANDMOM
KNOW... THAT YOU'RE DYING?
ARE YOU KIDDIN'? IT'S HER IDEA!
ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?
THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHIN'
THAT THE DOCTORS CAN DO.
HEY, PETE... I'M 82.
MOST MEN LIVE TILL THEY'RE 76.
I'M ALREADY IN THE BONUS ROUND.
I LOVE YOU, GRANDPA.
OH, THERE, THERE.
NOW YOU'RE GONNA GET
MASCARA ALL OVER MY SHIRT.
HEY.
HEY.
DID YOU TALK TO CHARLIE?
[Sighing] YEAH.
OH. HOW'D IT GO?
I'M STILL A LITTLE SHAKEN UP.
I MEANT FOR HIM.
OH. HE'S FINE.
UH, ASHLEY... YEAH?
LISTEN, I WAS THINKIN'...
WELL, THAT'S NEVER
GONE VERY WELL FOR YOU.
LOOK, SINCE WE'RE
NOT IN THE HOSPITAL,
I-I JUST... I JUST THOUGHT
I SHOULD TELL YOU, UM...
I REGRET HOW THINGS
ENDED UP BETWEEN US.
I PROBABLY COULD
HAVE HANDLED IT BETTER.
I JUST LIKE IT WHEN
EVERYONE'S HAPPY,
AND WHEN THEY'RE
NOT, OR WHEN I'M NOT,
I... KIND OF CHECK OUT.
OKAY.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
AND ABOUT US...
I DON'T KNOW IF WE WERE
WRONG OR IF I WAS JUST WRONG,
BUT, UM... I MADE A DECISION,
AND I HAVE TO TAKE
RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT,
LIKE YOU SAID.
T-THAT'S IT.
OKAY.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
I JUST SAID SOME REALLY
HONEST STUFF THERE.
DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY?
OH... I SEE.
UM... WOW, BERG.
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU REALLY
HAVE TAKEN STOCK OF YOURSELF.
AND YOU'VE REALIZED THAT YOUR
ACTIONS COME WITH CONSEQUENCES,
AND THAT'S ONE TINY
STEP TOWARDS MATURITY.
BUT, HEY, IT'S A
GIANT LEAP FOR YOU!
HOORAY! HOORAY FOR BERG!
THE LAST TIME I GROW
IN FRONT OF PEOPLE.
[SHOWER RUNNING]
ASHLEY?
Ashley: WHAT IS IT, JOHNNY?
NOTHIN'. NEVER MIND.
SEE ANYTHING YOU LIKE?
AAAAAAAAAAH!
AAAAH! AAAAH!