Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 3, Episode 8 - Foul Play - full transcript
Berg surprises Ashley by taking her on a visit to his parents. Berg's mother and Ashley do not hit it off initially, and Berg is in the middle. The conflict between Ashley and Berg's mother escalates but all it does is give his mother more respect for Ashley. However, Berg is unhappy and he breaks up with Ashley after the visit. Sharon is unhappy about the intimate side of her life with Johnny, thinking it's a bit boring. She confides to Pete about the problem and he tries to help by giving some big hints to Johnny. It turns out Sharon and Johnny both want the same thing but were worried about expressing their feelings to each other.
CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY ABC, INC.
AND 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
NO.
NO.
W-W-WAIT. GO BACK. GO BACK.
NO.
THERE'S NOTHIN' ON.
WANNA RENT A MOVIE?
SURE.
ANYTHING BUT "MAD MAX."
NO.
WE COULD GO FOR ICE CREAM.
MM, I DON'T WANNA GO
OUT LOOKIN' LIKE THIS.
YEAH. YOU'RE RIGHT.
HEY, WE COULD
ALWAYS FOOL AROUND.
YOU FEEL LIKE IT?
NO.
ME NEITHER.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GONNA GO TO BED.
OKAY. SEE YA IN A BIT.
HA. "TELETUBBIES."
OOH, "TELETUBBIES."
WINKY'S GOOD IN THIS ONE.
WHERE'S ASHLEY?
SHE WENT TO BED.
OH. I THOUGHT I
HEARD A COFFIN CLOSE.
YOU KNOW, THIS... THIS IS WEIRD.
HELP ME OUT HERE, PETE.
EVER SINCE ASHLEY
OFFICIALLY MOVED IN,
WE DON'T ARGUE AS MUCH.
WE'VE GOTTEN SORT OF...
COMFORTABLE, SETTLED,
TOTALLY AT PEACE.
DO YOU REMEMBER HOW
SHE AND I USED TO BE?
YEAH... LOUD, VOLATILE,
UNCOMFORTABLE TO BE AROUND.
YEAH. THAT WAS GOOD.
NOW SHE... NOW SHE JUST...
SHE'S GOTTEN SO... TRANQUIL.
I GOTTA PUT THE FIRE BACK IN
THIS RELATIONSHIP SOMEHOW.
WE COULD DRUG HER AND
DUMP HER BODY IN MEXICO.
NO.
BERG, I THOUGHT
YOU WERE TAKING ME
TO A ROMANTIC BED-AND-BREAKFAST.
DOESN'T THIS SEEM
A LITTLE RESIDENTIAL?
BELIEVE ME, THIS IS A GREAT
PLACE TO SPICE THINGS UP.
THERE'S MY BABY BOY!
I TOOK YOU TO MY
PARENTS' HOUSE! SURPRISE!
OKAY, LOOK, WHATEVER HAPPENS
BETWEEN YOU AND MY MOM,
JUST REMEMBER, I'M
THE ONE TO BLAME.
SWEETIE!
MOM, HEY!
DAD, HOW YOU DOIN'?
I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU
TO MY GIRLFRIEND, ASHLEY.
HI, IT'S REALLY A
PLEASURE TO MEET...
JUST A MINUTE, ANGIE.
LET ME LOOK AT YOU.
HI, I'M PHIL.
HI, IT'S REALLY
NICE TO MEET YOU.
MOM, UH, SAY HI TO ASHLEY.
HI, MRS. BERGEN.
SO, YOU'RE KEEPING
MY SON FROM ME.
WHY IS THAT?
WE TRIED TO COME SOONER,
BUT SHE WOULDN'T LET ME.
YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK LIKE
THAT WOMAN ON TELEVISION.
WHAT'S HER NAME?
OH. MARY TYLER MOORE?
MY, DON'T WE HAVE A HIGH
OPINION OF OURSELVES.
WELL, NO, IT'S JUST THAT
A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE
COMMENTED ON THE RESEMBLANCE.
WELL, THEY WERE JUST
BLOWIN' HOT AIR UP YOUR ASS.
I KNOW. I KNOW... THE ONE
THAT YELLS AT EVERYBODY...
JUDGE JUDY.
COME ON NOW. DON'T START, MOM.
YOU'RE JUST GONNA GET
ASHLEY ALL MAD AT ME,
AND THE NEXT THING YOU
KNOW, WE'LL BE FIGHTIN',
AND NOBODY WANTS THAT.
WE ARE GOING TO
GET ALONG JUST FINE.
WHY DON'T WE GO IN THE HOUSE?
I AM DYING TO FIND OUT
WHAT MY BOY SEES IN YOU.
WHY DON'T WE SAVE SOMETHIN'
TO TALK ABOUT DURING DINNER?
BERG, IS THIS YOUR IDEA
OF SPICING UP
OUR RELATIONSHIP...
WATCHING YOUR MOM
TICK ME OFF ALL WEEKEND?
NO, NO, NO, NO.
YOU JUST GOT OFF TO A
BUMPY START, ALL RIGHT?
HEY, MOM, DID I TELL YOU
ASHLEY'S A REPUBLICAN?
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. SHARON,
SHOULDN'T YOU KNOCK?
HA HA HA HA. SINCE WHEN?
SINCE I HAVE THE APARTMENT
TO MYSELF THIS WEEKEND,
AND I MIGHT HAVE A GIRL OVER.
PETE, YOU'RE FOLDING LAUNDRY.
YEAH, WELL, MAYBE
SHE'S INTO HIDING
AND WATCHING ME BE TIDY.
OH, WAIT, SHARON,
TELL ME SOMETHING...
WHAT DOES THIS REMIND YOU OF?
OH!
THE TIME I GOT MACED
AT CHIPPENDALES'?
MY COMPANY WANTS ME
TO COME UP WITH A NAME
FOR OUR NEW UNISEX COLOGNE.
HOW ABOUT "CROWD CONTROL"?
SO, WHERE'S BERG?
OH, HE TOOK ASHLEY
AWAY FOR THE WEEKEND.
YOU KNOW, TO SPICE THINGS UP.
MUST BE NICE.
WHAT?
WHAT?
YOU SIGHED.
I DID NOT SIGH. I EXHALED.
YOU EXHALED WITH
MEANING. THAT'S A SIGH.
IS THERE PROBLEMS
WITH YOU AND JOHNNY?
NO.
THERE IT IS AGAIN.
I AM BREATHING! I'M A MAMMAL!
I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU WON'T TELL ME.
THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS YOU
AND I SHOULD NOT TALK ABOUT,
SO PLEASE JUST MIND
YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
OKAY, OKAY. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M NOT THE PERSON
ENGAGED TO THE GUY...
WHO DRINKS TOO MUCH?
NO!
IS HE A KLEPTO? 'CAUSE
I'M MISSIN' A PAIR OF PANTS.
NO!
WELL, IT CAN'T BE SEX.
I KNEW IT!
SO, OUR LITTLE EAGLE SCOUT
IS GOIN' FOR HIS FREAKY BADGE!
NO. GOD, YOU COULDN'T BE
FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH.
IF ANYTHING, JOHNNY'S
FROM THE SCHOOL
OF "YOU DO ONE THING,
AND YOU DO IT WELL."
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING,
HE'S A ONE-TRICK PONY?
IT'S A KNEE-WOBBLER.
DON'T GET ME WRONG.
I'M JUST SAYIN' THAT I FEEL LIKE
WE'RE STARTIN' TO OWE THE
MISSIONARY SOME COMMISSION.
LOOK, I MEAN, YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S NOTHIN' TO BE ASHAMED OF.
MAYBE HE DOESN'T
KNOW ANY BETTER.
YOU KNOW, WE CAN'T
ALL BE STUDENTS
OF THE "KAMA SUTRA."
EW.
YOU STILL HAVE THAT BOOK?
YOU THINK IT'S EMBARRASSING
CHECKING IT OUT OF THE LIBRARY?
TRY RETURNING IT
FOUR YEARS OVERDUE.
HAND ME THAT PILLOW.
FOR EASY REFERENCE.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD
SHOW THIS TO JOHNNY.
ARE YOU CRAZY?!
I DON'T WANT JOHNNY TO THINK
I'M THE KIND OF GIRL THAT
WOULD DO THAT STUFF!
BUT YOU ARE.
WELL, YEAH!
WELL, SHARON...
JUST FORGET I SAID ANYTHING.
DON'T MENTION ANYTHING
ABOUT THIS TO JOHNNY.
LIKE I'M GONNA.
DON'T YOU THINK THAT WOULD
PUT ME IN AN AWKWARD POSITION?
WELL, I WOULDN'T KNOW
ABOUT AWKWARD POSITIONS.
GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!
TOUCHDOWN!
OH! I AM TELLIN' YOU,
BOSTON COLLEGE IS
GOIN' TO A BOWL THIS YEAR.
I WOULDN'T DOUBT IT. TIM
HASSELBECK CAN MOVE.
MAN!
I BET HE KNOWS OVER 40 WAYS
TO MAKE LOVE TO A WOMAN!
I NEVER REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
HEY, CAN I GET YOU A BEER?
YEAH, SURE. SURE.
HEY, JOHNNY...
DID YOU KNOW THE TINY
ISLAND NATION OF TONGA
HAS FIVE NFL PLAYERS,
YET ALL OF INDIA NONE?
I THINK IT'S BECAUSE
THEY KNOW OVER
300 SEXUAL POSITIONS.
I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT, PETE.
ARE YOU WEARING PERFUME?
NO!
BUT IF I WERE... WHAT
WOULD YOU CALL IT?
CREEPY.
OH. HEY. WHAT IS... WHAT THE...
HEY! LOOK AT THAT!
THE "KAMA SUTRA." HUH.
NOT ONLY DOES THIS BOOK
MAKE A HANDY COASTER,
IT'S ALSO AN ILLUSTRATED GUIDE
TO PLEASURING YOUR PARTNER
IN WAYS YOU COULD NEVER IMAGINE.
ARE YOU HITTING ON ME?
NO!
NO, NO, NO.
JOHNNY, NO.
I'M JUST SAYIN' THAT
IF I WAS GONNA SPEND THE REST
OF MY LIFE WITH ONE PERSON,
I'D WANNA KNOW DIFFERENT
WAYS OF, YOU KNOW,
RUNNIN' THE OLD OFFENSE.
PETE, I DON'T WANT
TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT SHARON AND ME DOIN' IT.
SEE, LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME SAY.
JOHNNY, THERE IS NO SHAME
IN ASKIN' SHARON TO TRY
THE OLD "COBRA IN THE
HEN'S MOUTH" POSITION.
YOU DON'T... NO.
YOU DON'T BRING UP
KINKY STUFF LIKE THAT.
IF SHE THINKS IT'S WEIRD, THEN
FOR THE REST OF OUR MARRIAGE,
I'M KNOWN AS THE...
PERVO COBRA MAN.
WAIT A MINUTE.
DID... DID SHARON TALK
TO YOU ABOUT ANY OF THIS?
WHAT?! NO! NO! GOD!
LOOK, JOHNNY, SHARON
WOULD NEVER TALK TO ME
ABOUT YOUR SEXUAL PROBLEMS.
I DIDN'T SAY "PROBLEMS."
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU
CALLED MY MOTHER A SHREW.
SHE IS!
AFTER DINNER, SHE TOLD ME SHE
ALWAYS COUNTS THE SILVERWARE,
SO IF I WANTED TO RETURN
ANYTHING, NOW'S THE TIME.
SHE DIDN'T WANT YOU
TO BE EMBARRASSED.
BERG, I DIDN'T TAKE ANYTHING!
YOU CROSSED THE
LINE. SHE'S MY MOTHER!
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO TAKE MY SIDE.
OR MAYBE YOU
DON'T HAVE THE GUTS.
THIS IS A REALLY
UGLY SIDE OF YOU.
WELL, AT LEAST I'M
NOT A MAMA'S BOY.
YOU KNOW WHAT? STOP THAT!
YOU SAY THAT WORD ONE MORE...
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO,
RUN AND TELL YOUR MOMMY?
HEY, I DON'T NEED MY MOMMY
TO TELL ME THAT
I'M DATING A NUT JOB!
QUIT THAT.
MAKE ME.
I AM SORRY I EVER EVEN MET YOU!
ME TOO!
WHERE YOU GOIN'?
TO PUT ON MY
SEE-THROUGH NIGHTIE,
AND YOU BETTER BE
READY WHEN I GET BACK!
AND THE FLAME IS LIT.
WOW.
ASHLEY'S REALLY
SOMETHIN' SPECIAL.
SHE SURE IS.
LOOK, UH, DON'T TELL MOM,
BUT ASHLEY DIDN'T SLEEP IN
THE GUEST ROOM LAST NIGHT.
SHE SLEPT WITH ME.
AFTER ALL THAT NOISE, I WAS
HOPING THAT WAS THE CASE.
YOU KNOW, ASHLEY
REALLY TEED OFF YOUR MOM.
SHE ENDED UP
TAKIN' IT OUT ON ME.
OH, I'M SORRY.
DON'T BE.
WE HAVEN'T FOUGHT LIKE THAT
SINCE THE NIGHT
YOU WERE CONCEIVED.
♪ LA LA LA LA LA ♪
GOOD MORNING... TIGER.
GRRRRR.
HIYA, BABY.
GOOD MORNING, MIKEY.
HO! THAT WAS TOO EASY.
BUT THEN AGAIN,
I GUESS THE GIRL IN THE
MASCOT SUIT NEVER GETS TO PLAY.
OKAY, YOU WANNA
PLAY A LITTLE HORSE?
OR WAIT A MINUTE, SORRY.
HAVE YOU HAD YOUR
MORNING CAN OF ENSURE?
OH, SHE'S REALLY
MAD. THIS IS GREAT.
I WAS HOPIN' TO GET
IN ONE MORE FIGHT
BEFORE YOU KIDS LEFT.
OH, MAN, YOU SOUND
EXACTLY LIKE ASHLEY AND ME.
SEE, WE GET VERY, UH,
PASSIONATE WHEN WE'RE FIGHTING.
WE WOULDN'T HAVE
YOUR OLDER BROTHER
IF I HADN'T TOLD YOUR MOTHER
TO GET HER ASS IN THE KITCHEN
AND RUSTLE ME UP SOME DINNER.
SWEET STORY, DAD.
HO! HA HA HA!
DID YOU SEE THAT? I
DIDN'T EVEN WARM UP.
YOU CAN QUIT NOW, IF YOU'D LIKE.
NO, NO, I REALLY LIKE
YOUR SHOOTING STYLE.
IT REMINDS ME OF NEWSREELS
WE USED TO WATCH IN P.E. CLASS.
OH, LOOK, ONE OF US HAS AN "H."
HA HA!
NIKE DOES A COUPLE
COMMERCIALS FOR WOMEN,
AND EVERY FLOOZY
WITH A SPORTS BRA
THINKS SHE CAN PLAY BALL.
TAKE ANOTHER TURN.
JUST SHOOT THE DAMN BALL.
YEAH, SHOOT THE
DAMN BALL, YOU OLD BAG.
SO, UH, DAD, HOW DO YOU
GUYS KEEP THE FIGHTING FRESH
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS?
WE DON'T FIGHT ALL THAT MUCH.
YOU DON'T?
W-WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN
YOU'RE NOT FIGHTING?
I MEAN, DON'T YOU GET BORED?
NO, NO.
AS A MATTER OF
FACT, LAST TUESDAY,
WE WENT DOWN TO THE PARKERS'.
THEY HAVE A SUNFLOWER
THE SIZE OF A HUBCAP.
HAD A GREAT TIME.
LISTEN, SON, I DON'T KNOW
ABOUT YOU AND ASHLEY,
BUT MY BEST TIMES
WITH YOUR MOTHER
ARE THE QUIET MOMENTS.
THEN WHY DO YOU...
WHY ARE YOU TRYIN'
TO KEEP MOM MAD?
WELL, I DON'T ALWAYS
WANNA MAKE SWEET LOVE.
I'M JUST REMEMBERING
WHY WE STOPPED HAVING
THOSE FATHER-SON TALKS.
YOUR TURN.
IS THAT AS HARD AS YOU
CAN THROW THE BALL?
NO, NO. I WAS JUST
TAKIN' IT EASY ON YOU
BECAUSE I KNOW HOW
BRITTLE YOUR BONES MUST BE.
HA HA HA HA.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU REMIND ME OF
ME WHEN I WAS 40.
I'M SURE YOU NEED TO BE
REMINDED ABOUT A LOT AT YOUR AGE.
MRS. BERGEN, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
OW.
MRS. BERGEN?
YOU'RE OKAY.
ASHLEY, I'LL START
PACKING. YOU JUST RUN.
SHE DOESN'T HAVE
TO GO. I HAD IT COMING.
WAIT A MINUTE. SHE THREW
THAT BALL PRETTY HARD.
DAD!
SHE'S A FIGHTER.
AND YOU NEED A WOMAN LIKE THAT.
LET ME SEE IF YOUR
NOSE IS BROKEN.
THANK YOU.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU DO LOOK A LITTLE
LIKE MARY TYLER MOORE...
"ORDINARY PEOPLE" MARY
TYLER MOORE, BUT STILL...
EXCITEMENT! EXCITE! EXCITING!
EXERCISE! EXAMEN!
EX... EXISTENTIAL!
OOH.
WHAT'S THAT SCENT
YOU'RE WEARING?
WHO CARES? EXISTENTIAL.
TELL HIM! TELL HIM
I DID NOT ASK YOU
TO TALK TO HIM
ABOUT OUR SEX LIFE.
DIDN'T WE TALK ABOUT KNOCKING?
OH, GOD, I'M SORRY.
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK. HELLO!
ALL RIGHT, COME IN.
TELL HIM!
THAT'S TRUE.
SHE DIDN'T ASK
ME TO TALK TO YOU.
SEE? WELL, I'VE
MOVED ON. LET'S GO.
W-WAIT A MINUTE.
THEN WHY DID WATCHING FOOTBALL
SUDDENLY BECOME THE TALK I
NEVER HAD WITH MY FATHER?!
WHAT IS SO STRANGE ABOUT TWO
GROWN MEN WATCHING FOOTBALL
TALKING ABOUT EASTERN
LOVEMAKING TECHNIQUES?!
YOU'RE RIGHT.
WHY DON'T YOU GO DISCUSS
IT WITH SOME LONGSHOREMEN?
OH, BRING A LITTLE
JAR FOR YOUR TEETH.
YEAH, A JAR.
I WAS JUST OFFERING SOME ADVICE.
WELL, WE DON'T NEED YOUR ADVICE.
WHAT SHARON AND I DO IN
OUR BEDROOM IN THE DARK
AFTER TED KOPPEL IS
PRETTY DARN SPECIAL.
YEAH.
OKAY.
DARN SPECIAL.
OKAY.
WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE?
SHARON, DID YOU
DISCUSS THIS WITH PETE?
I CANNOT BELIEVE
NO, NO, NO. OKAY.
BUT I DID NOT TELL
HIM TO TALK TO YOU.
YOU GOTTA BELIEVE ME.
I BETRAYED YOUR
TRUST IN CONFIDENCE.
CAN I INTERJECT?
NO! NO!
WILL YOU DO US A FAVOR?
FOR ONCE, CAN YOU STAY
OUT OF OUR BUSINESS?
STAY OUT OF OUR BUSINESS.
FINE!
YOU DON'T HAVE TO HIT PETE
DUNVILLE OVER THE HEAD!
SHARON?
YEAH?
DO YOU REALLY HAVE A PROBLEM
WITH WHAT WE DO?
NO, BABY. I LOVE WHAT WE DO.
IT'S GREAT.
WE'VE GOTTEN REALLY GOOD AT IT.
IF ANYTHING, I THINK WE
PRETTY MUCH PERFECTED IT.
SO, YOU'RE SAYING YOU
WANNA TRY OTHER STUFF?
I DON'T KNOW. DO YOU?
IF I SAID I DID, WOULD
YOU THINK I WAS A PERVO?
NOT IF YOU WON'T THINK I'M ONE
FOR WANTING YOU TO SAY YES.
SO, ARE WE GONNA?
WHY NOT?
WHERE DO WE START?
I DON'T KNOW.
Pete: PAGE 11! AND
YOU'RE WELCOME!
I HAD A GREAT TIME.
WE SHOULD SEND
YOUR MOM SOMETHING.
YEAH, HOW ABOUT ONE OF THOSE
FTD "SORRY I SMASHED
YOUR FACE" BOUQUETS?
FOR A WEEKEND THAT STARTED
OUT AS A TOTAL DISASTER,
IT WAS REALLY FUN.
I ESPECIALLY LIKED IT WHEN
WE WERE ALL DOIN' THE PUZZLE,
AND MY DAD SAID,
"THIS IS PUZZLING."
HA!
AND WE ALL LAUGHED.
ASHLEY, LET ME
ASK YOU SOMETHING.
ARE YOU HAPPY?
YEAH. WHY?
WELL, IT'S JUST THAT I
WAS, UH, TALKIN' TO MY DAD,
AND HE WAS SAYING THAT THE
BEST TIMES IN A RELATIONSHIP
SHOULD BE IN THE QUIET MOMENTS.
HE'S RIGHT... LIKE
THE OTHER NIGHT.
I HAD A REALLY NICE TIME.
WE WERE SITTIN' AROUND,
FLIPPIN' THROUGH THE CHANNELS.
YES, YES!
AND I WAS THINKIN' NEXT WEEK,
WE COULD GO IN THE KITCHEN
AND WATCH THE TOASTER.
IS SOMETHING WRONG?
WELL, MAYBE IT'S JUST ME,
BUT IT SEEMS LIKE
OUR RELATIONSHIP
IS ONLY REALLY INTERESTING
WHEN THERE'S DRAMA.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
WELL, MAYBE IT'S JUST ME AGAIN,
BUT, UH, IT SEEMED
TO BE MORE EXCITING
WHEN YOU HATED
ME, AND I CHASED YOU.
AND THEN, I HATED YOU,
AND YOU CHASED ME.
AND NOW, WE'RE LIVING TOGETHER,
AND EVEN MY MOM LIKES YOU.
WHERE'S THE FUN IN THAT?
WELL, GOSH, BERG, YOU COULD
PUT ON A MOUNTIE COSTUME,
AND I COULD TIE MYSELF
TO THE RAILROAD TRACKS.
WOULD THAT BE DRAMATIC
ENOUGH FOR YOU?
YOU'RE NOT UNDERSTANDING
WHAT I'M TRYIN' TO SAY.
NO, BERG, I THINK I
UNDERSTAND YOU QUITE WELL.
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING
IS YOU LIKE FIGHTING.
YOU LIKE IT WHEN
WE'RE AT EACH OTHER.
I DO.
I DO.
I DID.
LOOK, I DON'T WANT THAT ANYMORE.
THEN WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I WANT WHAT MY PARENTS HAVE.
YEAH, AND WHAT'S THAT?
I WANNA BE HAPPY IN
THE QUIET MOMENTS.
YEAH, WELL, SO DO I. SO
WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?
I'M NOT HAPPY.
WHAT ARE YOU
DOIN'? I AM LEAVING.
DON'T DO THAT.
BERG, WHAT IS THE POINT?
SO YOU CAN SIT THERE
WITH ME AND BE UNHAPPY?
ENJOY THE QUIET MOMENTS.
YOU'LL HAVE A LOT OF
THEM... ALL TO YOURSELF.
ASH, COME ON!
YOU D... GOD!
I SUBLET MY APARTMENT.
I HAVE NOWHERE TO GO.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN' ON?
ASHLEY AND I JUST BROKE UP.
I'M SORRY, MAN.
HEY, CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHIN'?
YEAH.
HOW LONG DO YOU NEED
BEFORE I START CELEBRATING?
MORNING DEW.
MOUNTAIN MIST.
OOH, OOH. MOUNTAIN
DEW! MOUNTAIN DEW!
IN... INNOCENCE.
TRAN... TRANQUILITY.
SER... SERENITY.
TOXIC!
AND 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
NO.
NO.
W-W-WAIT. GO BACK. GO BACK.
NO.
THERE'S NOTHIN' ON.
WANNA RENT A MOVIE?
SURE.
ANYTHING BUT "MAD MAX."
NO.
WE COULD GO FOR ICE CREAM.
MM, I DON'T WANNA GO
OUT LOOKIN' LIKE THIS.
YEAH. YOU'RE RIGHT.
HEY, WE COULD
ALWAYS FOOL AROUND.
YOU FEEL LIKE IT?
NO.
ME NEITHER.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GONNA GO TO BED.
OKAY. SEE YA IN A BIT.
HA. "TELETUBBIES."
OOH, "TELETUBBIES."
WINKY'S GOOD IN THIS ONE.
WHERE'S ASHLEY?
SHE WENT TO BED.
OH. I THOUGHT I
HEARD A COFFIN CLOSE.
YOU KNOW, THIS... THIS IS WEIRD.
HELP ME OUT HERE, PETE.
EVER SINCE ASHLEY
OFFICIALLY MOVED IN,
WE DON'T ARGUE AS MUCH.
WE'VE GOTTEN SORT OF...
COMFORTABLE, SETTLED,
TOTALLY AT PEACE.
DO YOU REMEMBER HOW
SHE AND I USED TO BE?
YEAH... LOUD, VOLATILE,
UNCOMFORTABLE TO BE AROUND.
YEAH. THAT WAS GOOD.
NOW SHE... NOW SHE JUST...
SHE'S GOTTEN SO... TRANQUIL.
I GOTTA PUT THE FIRE BACK IN
THIS RELATIONSHIP SOMEHOW.
WE COULD DRUG HER AND
DUMP HER BODY IN MEXICO.
NO.
BERG, I THOUGHT
YOU WERE TAKING ME
TO A ROMANTIC BED-AND-BREAKFAST.
DOESN'T THIS SEEM
A LITTLE RESIDENTIAL?
BELIEVE ME, THIS IS A GREAT
PLACE TO SPICE THINGS UP.
THERE'S MY BABY BOY!
I TOOK YOU TO MY
PARENTS' HOUSE! SURPRISE!
OKAY, LOOK, WHATEVER HAPPENS
BETWEEN YOU AND MY MOM,
JUST REMEMBER, I'M
THE ONE TO BLAME.
SWEETIE!
MOM, HEY!
DAD, HOW YOU DOIN'?
I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU
TO MY GIRLFRIEND, ASHLEY.
HI, IT'S REALLY A
PLEASURE TO MEET...
JUST A MINUTE, ANGIE.
LET ME LOOK AT YOU.
HI, I'M PHIL.
HI, IT'S REALLY
NICE TO MEET YOU.
MOM, UH, SAY HI TO ASHLEY.
HI, MRS. BERGEN.
SO, YOU'RE KEEPING
MY SON FROM ME.
WHY IS THAT?
WE TRIED TO COME SOONER,
BUT SHE WOULDN'T LET ME.
YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK LIKE
THAT WOMAN ON TELEVISION.
WHAT'S HER NAME?
OH. MARY TYLER MOORE?
MY, DON'T WE HAVE A HIGH
OPINION OF OURSELVES.
WELL, NO, IT'S JUST THAT
A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE
COMMENTED ON THE RESEMBLANCE.
WELL, THEY WERE JUST
BLOWIN' HOT AIR UP YOUR ASS.
I KNOW. I KNOW... THE ONE
THAT YELLS AT EVERYBODY...
JUDGE JUDY.
COME ON NOW. DON'T START, MOM.
YOU'RE JUST GONNA GET
ASHLEY ALL MAD AT ME,
AND THE NEXT THING YOU
KNOW, WE'LL BE FIGHTIN',
AND NOBODY WANTS THAT.
WE ARE GOING TO
GET ALONG JUST FINE.
WHY DON'T WE GO IN THE HOUSE?
I AM DYING TO FIND OUT
WHAT MY BOY SEES IN YOU.
WHY DON'T WE SAVE SOMETHIN'
TO TALK ABOUT DURING DINNER?
BERG, IS THIS YOUR IDEA
OF SPICING UP
OUR RELATIONSHIP...
WATCHING YOUR MOM
TICK ME OFF ALL WEEKEND?
NO, NO, NO, NO.
YOU JUST GOT OFF TO A
BUMPY START, ALL RIGHT?
HEY, MOM, DID I TELL YOU
ASHLEY'S A REPUBLICAN?
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. SHARON,
SHOULDN'T YOU KNOCK?
HA HA HA HA. SINCE WHEN?
SINCE I HAVE THE APARTMENT
TO MYSELF THIS WEEKEND,
AND I MIGHT HAVE A GIRL OVER.
PETE, YOU'RE FOLDING LAUNDRY.
YEAH, WELL, MAYBE
SHE'S INTO HIDING
AND WATCHING ME BE TIDY.
OH, WAIT, SHARON,
TELL ME SOMETHING...
WHAT DOES THIS REMIND YOU OF?
OH!
THE TIME I GOT MACED
AT CHIPPENDALES'?
MY COMPANY WANTS ME
TO COME UP WITH A NAME
FOR OUR NEW UNISEX COLOGNE.
HOW ABOUT "CROWD CONTROL"?
SO, WHERE'S BERG?
OH, HE TOOK ASHLEY
AWAY FOR THE WEEKEND.
YOU KNOW, TO SPICE THINGS UP.
MUST BE NICE.
WHAT?
WHAT?
YOU SIGHED.
I DID NOT SIGH. I EXHALED.
YOU EXHALED WITH
MEANING. THAT'S A SIGH.
IS THERE PROBLEMS
WITH YOU AND JOHNNY?
NO.
THERE IT IS AGAIN.
I AM BREATHING! I'M A MAMMAL!
I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU WON'T TELL ME.
THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS YOU
AND I SHOULD NOT TALK ABOUT,
SO PLEASE JUST MIND
YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
OKAY, OKAY. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M NOT THE PERSON
ENGAGED TO THE GUY...
WHO DRINKS TOO MUCH?
NO!
IS HE A KLEPTO? 'CAUSE
I'M MISSIN' A PAIR OF PANTS.
NO!
WELL, IT CAN'T BE SEX.
I KNEW IT!
SO, OUR LITTLE EAGLE SCOUT
IS GOIN' FOR HIS FREAKY BADGE!
NO. GOD, YOU COULDN'T BE
FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH.
IF ANYTHING, JOHNNY'S
FROM THE SCHOOL
OF "YOU DO ONE THING,
AND YOU DO IT WELL."
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING,
HE'S A ONE-TRICK PONY?
IT'S A KNEE-WOBBLER.
DON'T GET ME WRONG.
I'M JUST SAYIN' THAT I FEEL LIKE
WE'RE STARTIN' TO OWE THE
MISSIONARY SOME COMMISSION.
LOOK, I MEAN, YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S NOTHIN' TO BE ASHAMED OF.
MAYBE HE DOESN'T
KNOW ANY BETTER.
YOU KNOW, WE CAN'T
ALL BE STUDENTS
OF THE "KAMA SUTRA."
EW.
YOU STILL HAVE THAT BOOK?
YOU THINK IT'S EMBARRASSING
CHECKING IT OUT OF THE LIBRARY?
TRY RETURNING IT
FOUR YEARS OVERDUE.
HAND ME THAT PILLOW.
FOR EASY REFERENCE.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD
SHOW THIS TO JOHNNY.
ARE YOU CRAZY?!
I DON'T WANT JOHNNY TO THINK
I'M THE KIND OF GIRL THAT
WOULD DO THAT STUFF!
BUT YOU ARE.
WELL, YEAH!
WELL, SHARON...
JUST FORGET I SAID ANYTHING.
DON'T MENTION ANYTHING
ABOUT THIS TO JOHNNY.
LIKE I'M GONNA.
DON'T YOU THINK THAT WOULD
PUT ME IN AN AWKWARD POSITION?
WELL, I WOULDN'T KNOW
ABOUT AWKWARD POSITIONS.
GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!
TOUCHDOWN!
OH! I AM TELLIN' YOU,
BOSTON COLLEGE IS
GOIN' TO A BOWL THIS YEAR.
I WOULDN'T DOUBT IT. TIM
HASSELBECK CAN MOVE.
MAN!
I BET HE KNOWS OVER 40 WAYS
TO MAKE LOVE TO A WOMAN!
I NEVER REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
HEY, CAN I GET YOU A BEER?
YEAH, SURE. SURE.
HEY, JOHNNY...
DID YOU KNOW THE TINY
ISLAND NATION OF TONGA
HAS FIVE NFL PLAYERS,
YET ALL OF INDIA NONE?
I THINK IT'S BECAUSE
THEY KNOW OVER
300 SEXUAL POSITIONS.
I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT, PETE.
ARE YOU WEARING PERFUME?
NO!
BUT IF I WERE... WHAT
WOULD YOU CALL IT?
CREEPY.
OH. HEY. WHAT IS... WHAT THE...
HEY! LOOK AT THAT!
THE "KAMA SUTRA." HUH.
NOT ONLY DOES THIS BOOK
MAKE A HANDY COASTER,
IT'S ALSO AN ILLUSTRATED GUIDE
TO PLEASURING YOUR PARTNER
IN WAYS YOU COULD NEVER IMAGINE.
ARE YOU HITTING ON ME?
NO!
NO, NO, NO.
JOHNNY, NO.
I'M JUST SAYIN' THAT
IF I WAS GONNA SPEND THE REST
OF MY LIFE WITH ONE PERSON,
I'D WANNA KNOW DIFFERENT
WAYS OF, YOU KNOW,
RUNNIN' THE OLD OFFENSE.
PETE, I DON'T WANT
TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT SHARON AND ME DOIN' IT.
SEE, LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME SAY.
JOHNNY, THERE IS NO SHAME
IN ASKIN' SHARON TO TRY
THE OLD "COBRA IN THE
HEN'S MOUTH" POSITION.
YOU DON'T... NO.
YOU DON'T BRING UP
KINKY STUFF LIKE THAT.
IF SHE THINKS IT'S WEIRD, THEN
FOR THE REST OF OUR MARRIAGE,
I'M KNOWN AS THE...
PERVO COBRA MAN.
WAIT A MINUTE.
DID... DID SHARON TALK
TO YOU ABOUT ANY OF THIS?
WHAT?! NO! NO! GOD!
LOOK, JOHNNY, SHARON
WOULD NEVER TALK TO ME
ABOUT YOUR SEXUAL PROBLEMS.
I DIDN'T SAY "PROBLEMS."
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU
CALLED MY MOTHER A SHREW.
SHE IS!
AFTER DINNER, SHE TOLD ME SHE
ALWAYS COUNTS THE SILVERWARE,
SO IF I WANTED TO RETURN
ANYTHING, NOW'S THE TIME.
SHE DIDN'T WANT YOU
TO BE EMBARRASSED.
BERG, I DIDN'T TAKE ANYTHING!
YOU CROSSED THE
LINE. SHE'S MY MOTHER!
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO TAKE MY SIDE.
OR MAYBE YOU
DON'T HAVE THE GUTS.
THIS IS A REALLY
UGLY SIDE OF YOU.
WELL, AT LEAST I'M
NOT A MAMA'S BOY.
YOU KNOW WHAT? STOP THAT!
YOU SAY THAT WORD ONE MORE...
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO,
RUN AND TELL YOUR MOMMY?
HEY, I DON'T NEED MY MOMMY
TO TELL ME THAT
I'M DATING A NUT JOB!
QUIT THAT.
MAKE ME.
I AM SORRY I EVER EVEN MET YOU!
ME TOO!
WHERE YOU GOIN'?
TO PUT ON MY
SEE-THROUGH NIGHTIE,
AND YOU BETTER BE
READY WHEN I GET BACK!
AND THE FLAME IS LIT.
WOW.
ASHLEY'S REALLY
SOMETHIN' SPECIAL.
SHE SURE IS.
LOOK, UH, DON'T TELL MOM,
BUT ASHLEY DIDN'T SLEEP IN
THE GUEST ROOM LAST NIGHT.
SHE SLEPT WITH ME.
AFTER ALL THAT NOISE, I WAS
HOPING THAT WAS THE CASE.
YOU KNOW, ASHLEY
REALLY TEED OFF YOUR MOM.
SHE ENDED UP
TAKIN' IT OUT ON ME.
OH, I'M SORRY.
DON'T BE.
WE HAVEN'T FOUGHT LIKE THAT
SINCE THE NIGHT
YOU WERE CONCEIVED.
♪ LA LA LA LA LA ♪
GOOD MORNING... TIGER.
GRRRRR.
HIYA, BABY.
GOOD MORNING, MIKEY.
HO! THAT WAS TOO EASY.
BUT THEN AGAIN,
I GUESS THE GIRL IN THE
MASCOT SUIT NEVER GETS TO PLAY.
OKAY, YOU WANNA
PLAY A LITTLE HORSE?
OR WAIT A MINUTE, SORRY.
HAVE YOU HAD YOUR
MORNING CAN OF ENSURE?
OH, SHE'S REALLY
MAD. THIS IS GREAT.
I WAS HOPIN' TO GET
IN ONE MORE FIGHT
BEFORE YOU KIDS LEFT.
OH, MAN, YOU SOUND
EXACTLY LIKE ASHLEY AND ME.
SEE, WE GET VERY, UH,
PASSIONATE WHEN WE'RE FIGHTING.
WE WOULDN'T HAVE
YOUR OLDER BROTHER
IF I HADN'T TOLD YOUR MOTHER
TO GET HER ASS IN THE KITCHEN
AND RUSTLE ME UP SOME DINNER.
SWEET STORY, DAD.
HO! HA HA HA!
DID YOU SEE THAT? I
DIDN'T EVEN WARM UP.
YOU CAN QUIT NOW, IF YOU'D LIKE.
NO, NO, I REALLY LIKE
YOUR SHOOTING STYLE.
IT REMINDS ME OF NEWSREELS
WE USED TO WATCH IN P.E. CLASS.
OH, LOOK, ONE OF US HAS AN "H."
HA HA!
NIKE DOES A COUPLE
COMMERCIALS FOR WOMEN,
AND EVERY FLOOZY
WITH A SPORTS BRA
THINKS SHE CAN PLAY BALL.
TAKE ANOTHER TURN.
JUST SHOOT THE DAMN BALL.
YEAH, SHOOT THE
DAMN BALL, YOU OLD BAG.
SO, UH, DAD, HOW DO YOU
GUYS KEEP THE FIGHTING FRESH
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS?
WE DON'T FIGHT ALL THAT MUCH.
YOU DON'T?
W-WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN
YOU'RE NOT FIGHTING?
I MEAN, DON'T YOU GET BORED?
NO, NO.
AS A MATTER OF
FACT, LAST TUESDAY,
WE WENT DOWN TO THE PARKERS'.
THEY HAVE A SUNFLOWER
THE SIZE OF A HUBCAP.
HAD A GREAT TIME.
LISTEN, SON, I DON'T KNOW
ABOUT YOU AND ASHLEY,
BUT MY BEST TIMES
WITH YOUR MOTHER
ARE THE QUIET MOMENTS.
THEN WHY DO YOU...
WHY ARE YOU TRYIN'
TO KEEP MOM MAD?
WELL, I DON'T ALWAYS
WANNA MAKE SWEET LOVE.
I'M JUST REMEMBERING
WHY WE STOPPED HAVING
THOSE FATHER-SON TALKS.
YOUR TURN.
IS THAT AS HARD AS YOU
CAN THROW THE BALL?
NO, NO. I WAS JUST
TAKIN' IT EASY ON YOU
BECAUSE I KNOW HOW
BRITTLE YOUR BONES MUST BE.
HA HA HA HA.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU REMIND ME OF
ME WHEN I WAS 40.
I'M SURE YOU NEED TO BE
REMINDED ABOUT A LOT AT YOUR AGE.
MRS. BERGEN, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
OW.
MRS. BERGEN?
YOU'RE OKAY.
ASHLEY, I'LL START
PACKING. YOU JUST RUN.
SHE DOESN'T HAVE
TO GO. I HAD IT COMING.
WAIT A MINUTE. SHE THREW
THAT BALL PRETTY HARD.
DAD!
SHE'S A FIGHTER.
AND YOU NEED A WOMAN LIKE THAT.
LET ME SEE IF YOUR
NOSE IS BROKEN.
THANK YOU.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU DO LOOK A LITTLE
LIKE MARY TYLER MOORE...
"ORDINARY PEOPLE" MARY
TYLER MOORE, BUT STILL...
EXCITEMENT! EXCITE! EXCITING!
EXERCISE! EXAMEN!
EX... EXISTENTIAL!
OOH.
WHAT'S THAT SCENT
YOU'RE WEARING?
WHO CARES? EXISTENTIAL.
TELL HIM! TELL HIM
I DID NOT ASK YOU
TO TALK TO HIM
ABOUT OUR SEX LIFE.
DIDN'T WE TALK ABOUT KNOCKING?
OH, GOD, I'M SORRY.
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK. HELLO!
ALL RIGHT, COME IN.
TELL HIM!
THAT'S TRUE.
SHE DIDN'T ASK
ME TO TALK TO YOU.
SEE? WELL, I'VE
MOVED ON. LET'S GO.
W-WAIT A MINUTE.
THEN WHY DID WATCHING FOOTBALL
SUDDENLY BECOME THE TALK I
NEVER HAD WITH MY FATHER?!
WHAT IS SO STRANGE ABOUT TWO
GROWN MEN WATCHING FOOTBALL
TALKING ABOUT EASTERN
LOVEMAKING TECHNIQUES?!
YOU'RE RIGHT.
WHY DON'T YOU GO DISCUSS
IT WITH SOME LONGSHOREMEN?
OH, BRING A LITTLE
JAR FOR YOUR TEETH.
YEAH, A JAR.
I WAS JUST OFFERING SOME ADVICE.
WELL, WE DON'T NEED YOUR ADVICE.
WHAT SHARON AND I DO IN
OUR BEDROOM IN THE DARK
AFTER TED KOPPEL IS
PRETTY DARN SPECIAL.
YEAH.
OKAY.
DARN SPECIAL.
OKAY.
WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE?
SHARON, DID YOU
DISCUSS THIS WITH PETE?
I CANNOT BELIEVE
NO, NO, NO. OKAY.
BUT I DID NOT TELL
HIM TO TALK TO YOU.
YOU GOTTA BELIEVE ME.
I BETRAYED YOUR
TRUST IN CONFIDENCE.
CAN I INTERJECT?
NO! NO!
WILL YOU DO US A FAVOR?
FOR ONCE, CAN YOU STAY
OUT OF OUR BUSINESS?
STAY OUT OF OUR BUSINESS.
FINE!
YOU DON'T HAVE TO HIT PETE
DUNVILLE OVER THE HEAD!
SHARON?
YEAH?
DO YOU REALLY HAVE A PROBLEM
WITH WHAT WE DO?
NO, BABY. I LOVE WHAT WE DO.
IT'S GREAT.
WE'VE GOTTEN REALLY GOOD AT IT.
IF ANYTHING, I THINK WE
PRETTY MUCH PERFECTED IT.
SO, YOU'RE SAYING YOU
WANNA TRY OTHER STUFF?
I DON'T KNOW. DO YOU?
IF I SAID I DID, WOULD
YOU THINK I WAS A PERVO?
NOT IF YOU WON'T THINK I'M ONE
FOR WANTING YOU TO SAY YES.
SO, ARE WE GONNA?
WHY NOT?
WHERE DO WE START?
I DON'T KNOW.
Pete: PAGE 11! AND
YOU'RE WELCOME!
I HAD A GREAT TIME.
WE SHOULD SEND
YOUR MOM SOMETHING.
YEAH, HOW ABOUT ONE OF THOSE
FTD "SORRY I SMASHED
YOUR FACE" BOUQUETS?
FOR A WEEKEND THAT STARTED
OUT AS A TOTAL DISASTER,
IT WAS REALLY FUN.
I ESPECIALLY LIKED IT WHEN
WE WERE ALL DOIN' THE PUZZLE,
AND MY DAD SAID,
"THIS IS PUZZLING."
HA!
AND WE ALL LAUGHED.
ASHLEY, LET ME
ASK YOU SOMETHING.
ARE YOU HAPPY?
YEAH. WHY?
WELL, IT'S JUST THAT I
WAS, UH, TALKIN' TO MY DAD,
AND HE WAS SAYING THAT THE
BEST TIMES IN A RELATIONSHIP
SHOULD BE IN THE QUIET MOMENTS.
HE'S RIGHT... LIKE
THE OTHER NIGHT.
I HAD A REALLY NICE TIME.
WE WERE SITTIN' AROUND,
FLIPPIN' THROUGH THE CHANNELS.
YES, YES!
AND I WAS THINKIN' NEXT WEEK,
WE COULD GO IN THE KITCHEN
AND WATCH THE TOASTER.
IS SOMETHING WRONG?
WELL, MAYBE IT'S JUST ME,
BUT IT SEEMS LIKE
OUR RELATIONSHIP
IS ONLY REALLY INTERESTING
WHEN THERE'S DRAMA.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
WELL, MAYBE IT'S JUST ME AGAIN,
BUT, UH, IT SEEMED
TO BE MORE EXCITING
WHEN YOU HATED
ME, AND I CHASED YOU.
AND THEN, I HATED YOU,
AND YOU CHASED ME.
AND NOW, WE'RE LIVING TOGETHER,
AND EVEN MY MOM LIKES YOU.
WHERE'S THE FUN IN THAT?
WELL, GOSH, BERG, YOU COULD
PUT ON A MOUNTIE COSTUME,
AND I COULD TIE MYSELF
TO THE RAILROAD TRACKS.
WOULD THAT BE DRAMATIC
ENOUGH FOR YOU?
YOU'RE NOT UNDERSTANDING
WHAT I'M TRYIN' TO SAY.
NO, BERG, I THINK I
UNDERSTAND YOU QUITE WELL.
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING
IS YOU LIKE FIGHTING.
YOU LIKE IT WHEN
WE'RE AT EACH OTHER.
I DO.
I DO.
I DID.
LOOK, I DON'T WANT THAT ANYMORE.
THEN WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I WANT WHAT MY PARENTS HAVE.
YEAH, AND WHAT'S THAT?
I WANNA BE HAPPY IN
THE QUIET MOMENTS.
YEAH, WELL, SO DO I. SO
WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?
I'M NOT HAPPY.
WHAT ARE YOU
DOIN'? I AM LEAVING.
DON'T DO THAT.
BERG, WHAT IS THE POINT?
SO YOU CAN SIT THERE
WITH ME AND BE UNHAPPY?
ENJOY THE QUIET MOMENTS.
YOU'LL HAVE A LOT OF
THEM... ALL TO YOURSELF.
ASH, COME ON!
YOU D... GOD!
I SUBLET MY APARTMENT.
I HAVE NOWHERE TO GO.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN' ON?
ASHLEY AND I JUST BROKE UP.
I'M SORRY, MAN.
HEY, CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHIN'?
YEAH.
HOW LONG DO YOU NEED
BEFORE I START CELEBRATING?
MORNING DEW.
MOUNTAIN MIST.
OOH, OOH. MOUNTAIN
DEW! MOUNTAIN DEW!
IN... INNOCENCE.
TRAN... TRANQUILITY.
SER... SERENITY.
TOXIC!