Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 3, Episode 7 - Berg's New Roommate - full transcript
Sharon surprises a session of marriage counselling on Johnny. It also turns out that they want the same wedding date as another couple. Sharon becomes very competitive to ensure that they get the date and tells a bit of a white lies. Johnny is very upset and doesn't want it on his conscience. He forces her to confess what she has done. Berg finally realises that he and Ashley are living together, and he is not happy. Ashley thinks the problem is Pete and tries to bribe him but, instead, she finds out that Berg is really the problem.
ASHLEY, COME ON!
GIVE A GUY A BREAK!
THIS ISN'T EVEN YOUR APARTMENT!
COME ON!
WHAT'S GOIN' ON?
BERG, IT'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
SHE'S HOGGIN' THE
BATHROOM AGAIN.
I'VE BEEN WAITIN' OUT
HERE FOR 25 MINUTES.
ASHLEY!
ASHLEY, YOU CAN
SCRUB ALL YOU WANT,
THAT'S STILL YOUR FACE!
WHAT'S GOIN' ON, HONEY?
I'M NOT SURE.
I-I THOUGHT...
THE DOOR WAS
JAMMED, AND I THOUGHT...
IT'S A GOOD THING I DIDN'T
MAKE A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT.
OH, GOOD, THE BATHROOM'S FREE.
NO, NO, NO! WAIT! WAIT!
SHARON, WHAT IS THIS?
THERE'S NO BINGO HERE.
OH, SHOOT, THEY
MUST'VE CANCELED IT.
HEY, LET'S STAY FOR COUNSELING!
NO WAY.
COME ON, BABY, PLEASE?
THIS IS THE ONLY WAY
THEY'LL LET US HAVE
OUR WEDDING HERE.
AND THIS CHURCH IS
REALLY SPECIAL TO ME.
IT'S WHERE MY MOM MARRIED
MY FAVORITE STEPFATHER.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT
WASN'T AVAILABLE IN JUNE.
OH, I FORGOT TO TELL
YOU THE GOOD NEWS.
THE COUPLE THAT HAD JUNE 24th
WAS TRAMPLED BY A HERD
OF SOMETHING IN AFRICA.
SHARON! THEY DIDN'T DIE,
BUT THE CHURCH ISN'T
WHEELCHAIR-ACCESSIBLE.
ISN'T THAT GREAT?!
KNOCK, KNOCK.
EXCUSE US, WE'RE
WAITING FOR FATHER VITERI.
WE HAVE OUR PREMARITAL
COUNSELING SESSION.
WE'RE HERE FOR THE SAME THING.
A SPOT JUST OPENED ON JUNE 24th.
OH, WE'RE TRYING TO
GET THE SAME DATE.
ISN'T THAT NEAT?
THAT'S SO NEAT!
Do something!
UM...
THERE'S NO CHANCE YOU TWO
ARE GOING TO AFRICA, IS THERE?
WE'VE BEEN THERE ALREADY.
WE DID MISSIONARY
WORK LAST SUMMER.
OH!
CRAP! THEY'RE HOLY!
JOHNNY, THEY'RE
GONNA TAKE OUR DATE.
COME ON, WE'RE JUST
AS GOOD AS THEM.
NO, WE'RE NOT!
WE'RE LIVING TOGETHER
IN SIN AND HAVING SEX.
A BIG NIGHT FOR THEM
IS WHEN HE ACCIDENTALLY
ELBOWS HER IN THE BOOB.
HELLO!
HELLO, FATHER.
GARY, GAIL,
AND YOU MUST BE
SHARON AND JOHNNY.
HELLO, I'M FATHER VITERI.
I BROUGHT YOU A
LITTLE TREAT, FATHER.
WHAT? NOT THE MAPLE BARS.
OH! YEAH!
ARE YOU WORKIN' FOR THE DEVIL?
HE ASKED YOU A QUESTION.
LET'S ALL HAVE A
SEAT. LET'S RELAX.
NOW, I AM AWARE
THAT YOU TWO ARE
INTERESTED IN THE SAME DATE.
BUT REMEMBER, THIS
IS NOT A COMPETITION.
THIS IS RELIGIOUS COUNSELING,
AND IT'S ACTUALLY A LOT OF FUN!
NOW, WHO HERE WANTS TO TELL ME
SOMETHING THEY REALLY
LOVE ABOUT THEIR PARTNER?
WELL, IT SURE ISN'T SEX!
HEY, BERG.
GUESS WHERE I WAS?
YOU WENT DOWN TO THE GAS
STATION TO USE THE BATHROOM.
HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?
BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT A HUGE
WOODEN KEY IN YOUR POCKET.
MAN, THEY'RE GONNA BE FURIOUS.
I ALREADY LOST THE ONE
ATTACHED TO THE HUBCAP.
BERG, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
IF YOU WANTED ASHLEY TO MOVE IN,
WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST ASK ME?
PETE, IF SHE MOVED IN,
YOU WOULD BE THE FIRST TO KNOW.
I AM THE FIRST TO KNOW.
SHE DOESN'T LIVE HERE.
SHE SLEEPS HERE EVERY NIGHT.
OKAY, I DON'T MEAN TO BRAG,
BUT THAT'S NOT SOMETHING
SHE CAN CONTROL.
WHY IS THERE A PICTURE OF
HER FAMILY IN THE HALLWAY?
WHY DO WE HAVE COASTERS?
AND WHY ARE OUR TISSUES
COMING OUT OF A CROCHETED CAT?
I KNOW HOW YOU
FEEL ABOUT ASHLEY.
YOU THINK SHE'S PUSHY
AND MANIPULATIVE.
BUT SHE WOULD NEVER
MOVE INTO THIS APARTMENT
WITHOUT MY PERMISSION.
HOW ABOUT FORWARDING HER
MAIL WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION?
THAT PUSHY, MANIPULATIVE...
DON'T LET HER GET
AWAY WITH IT. I WON'T!
SHE CAN'T DO THIS! SHE CAN'T!
KICK HER OUT! NO WAY!
SHE MOVED IN HERE
WITHOUT ASKING.
IS THAT THE
RELATIONSHIP YOU WANT?
NO.
NO, IT'S NOT.
THEN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
BE A MAN. STAND
UP FOR YOUR RIGHTS.
I COULD DO THAT.
ANYTHING LESS WOULD BE PATHETIC.
YOU ARE RIGHT!
I CAN BARELY STAND
TO LOOK AT YOU!
WE'LL HAVE NO MORE OF THAT.
ALL RIGHT.
BUT YOU'RE GONNA
DO SOMETHING, RIGHT?
I'M GONNA TELL HER I'VE HAD IT,
AND SHE HAS TO MOVE OUT!
PETE'S HAD IT.
HE WANTS YOU TO MOVE OUT.
WHY IS HE BRINGING THIS UP NOW?
I'VE BEEN LIVING HERE
FOR OVER A MONTH.
A MONTH?
ANYWAY, PETE SAID HE'S
FINE IF YOU SPEND THE NIGHT,
AS LONG AS YOU, YOU
KNOW, LIVE SOMEPLACE ELSE.
I GUESS HE'S JUST
MORE COMFORTABLE
WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP
THE WAY IT WAS BEFORE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT HAPPENS IF I GET
PETE TO SAY THAT IT'S OKAY
THAT I LIVE HERE?
OH, I DON'T KNOW. I FOUGHT
REALLY HARD FOR YOU.
I ALMOST PUNCHED
HIM IN THE FACE.
WELL... I THINK I
COULD CONVINCE HIM.
THERE YOU GO. THAT'S THE SPIRIT!
NOW I WANNA SEE YOU APPLY THAT
ENERGY TO FINDING A NEW PLACE.
OH, FATHER!
IT'S A TRUE STORY!
BUT I DON'T TELL THAT
STORY JUST FOR THE LAUGHS.
I TELL THAT STORY TO ILLUSTRATE
THE IMPORTANCE OF COMMUNICATION.
WE FIND THAT MOST MARITAL
PROBLEMS CAN BE TRACED BACK
TO A LACK OF COMMUNICATION.
I WAS SAYING EXACTLY
THE SAME THING TO SHARON
ON THE WAY TO BINGO.
VERY GOOD. ALL RIGHT.
GAIL, COULD YOU
GIVE US AN EXAMPLE
OF HOW YOU AND GARY COMMUNICATE?
FOR ONE THING, EVERY NIGHT,
GARY AND I SET ASIDE AN HOUR
TO TALK ABOUT OUR DAY.
WE CALL IT "SHARE TIME."
SO, DURING SHARE TIME, DOES
GARY GET TO SAY ANYTHING?
JOHNNY, COULD YOU
GIVE US AN EXAMPLE
OF HOW A COMMUNICATION MIGHT
GO BETWEEN YOU AND SHARON?
OKAY.
UM, WELL, USUALLY I
JUST TRY TO FIGURE OUT
WHAT WOULD GET ME INTO
THE LEAST AMOUNT OF TROUBLE,
AND I JUST GO WITH THAT.
WELL, YOU DIDN'T
DO IT THIS TIME!
LET'S NOT GET INTO
A FIGHT, YOU TWO.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I LIKE THE WAY THEY BANTER.
A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR
IS AN IMPORTANT PART
OF ANY RELATIONSHIP.
JOHNNY AND I HAVE NO
PROBLEM COMMUNICATING.
ELABORATE.
WELL, A PERFECT EXAMPLE
OF THAT WOULD BE THE TIME...
A PERFECT EXAMPLE.
WOW, THERE ARE SO MANY!
WELL, JUST PICK ONE.
OKAY, OKAY.
UM, OKAY.
I REMEMBER ONCE MY MOM
WAS GOING INTO THE HOSPITAL
FOR AN OPERATION,
AND MY FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
HOME UNTIL THE NEXT DAY.
AND I FELT SO SCARED
AND HELPLESS, YOU KNOW?
BUT JOHNNY WAS THERE FOR ME.
HE STAYED WITH ME ALL
NIGHT AT THE AIRPORT,
AND WE TALKED ABOUT... I
DON'T KNOW, ABOUT EVERYTHING.
AND HOW IS YOUR MOTHER?
OH, WONDERFUL.
THEY SUCKED OVER
50 POUNDS OF FAT.
BUT THE POINT IS,
JOHNNY TALKED ME THROUGH ONE
OF THE WORST NIGHTS OF MY LIFE.
NOW, THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL STORY.
JUST LIKE A FAIRY TALE.
"DUNVILLE, BERGEN, WALKER"?
SORRY, ASHLEY, BUT
YOU'LL BE BUNKIN' WITH...
THE LOCHNESSKIS.
I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU LIED
TO FATHER VITERI LIKE THAT!
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT ME TO DO?
THEY WERE LIKE LITTLE
CHRISTIAN CON MEN!
BESIDES, WE GOT THE CHURCH.
I AM NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THIS.
WHAT?!
I-I JUST... I WANTED TO...
DID I GET MY MAIL?
LET'S JUST KEEP THE
DATE, AND I PROMISE
THIS IS THE LAST
TIME I LIE TO A PRIEST.
I AM NOT KEEPING THAT DATE,
NOT UNLESS YOU GO AND
TELL FATHER VITERI THE TRUTH.
Pete... GET OUT OF MY WAY!
PETE, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
SHARON, HE'S NOT
COMFORTABLE LYING TO CLERGY.
SOME PEOPLE WOULD SEE
THAT AS A GOOD QUALITY.
AND BESIDES, THIS
IS HIS WEDDING, TOO.
I SUPPOSE.
HELLO, PETER.
I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.
WHAT'S UP?
LET'S BE HONEST.
YOU DON'T LIKE ME
AND I DETEST YOU.
YOU DON'T THINK MUCH OF
ME AND I THINK YOU'RE A TURD.
YOU HAD ME AT "HELLO."
I WANT YOU TO TELL BERG
THAT YOU WANT ME TO LIVE HERE.
YES, AND I WANNA BE
A PRETTY BALLERINA
AND DANCE AT THE CZAR'S BALL.
OPEN IT.
WHAT IS THIS?
MY SHARE OF THE RENT
FOR ONE YEAR IN ADVANCE.
AND IF YOU DON'T TELL BERG,
HE'LL CONTINUE TO PAY 1/2,
AND WITH MY 1/3, YOU'LL
ONLY HAVE TO PAY 1/6.
I GET ALL OF IT?
YEAH, AND I GOT IT IN ONES.
IT'S EASIER FOR THE LAP DANCERS.
NOT SO FAST, ASHLEY.
YOU GOT ME TO THE BALL.
NOW, LET'S DANCE.
OKAY.
YOU'VE GOT FIRST PRIORITY
WITH THE BATHROOM.
OOH, YEAH.
YEAH, IT'S GOT A GOOD BEAT.
BUT I'M STILL LEANIN'
AGAINST THE WALL.
OKAY, I WILL INTRODUCE YOU
TO THE NURSE OF YOUR CHOICE.
YOU CAN HAVE A REAL ONE,
OR A GIRL THAT JUST
DRESSES LIKE ONE FOR PARTIES.
YOU GOT ME ON THE FLOOR
NOW, BUT IT'S JUST... I GET...
I JUST WANT MORE STUFF.
OKAY, FINE. THIS IS
YOUR FINAL OFFER.
YOU GOT THE CASH.
YOU GOT THE BATHROOM.
YOU GOT THE NURSE.
AND FOR EVERY THREE
TIMES YOU INSULT ME,
I WILL ONLY RETORT TO ONE.
THAT MEANS "RESPOND."
I'M STILL NOT SURE.
OKAY, THIS OFFER'S ONLY
GOOD FOR 10 SECONDS.
7, 6, 5, 4... I'LL TAKE IT!
I'D BE A GREAT SENATOR.
HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU HAVE
TO GIVE BERG FOR HIM TO AGREE?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
THIS MORNING HE WAS TALKING
ABOUT THROWING YOU OUT.
NOW I REALIZE I'VE SAID
SOMETHING TERRIBLY WRONG.
THAT JERK!
IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER,
HE WON'T SEE A DIME OF THIS.
FORGET IT.
IF BERG DOESN'T WANT ME
HERE, THEN ALL DEALS ARE OFF.
COME BACK CASHLEY... ASHLEY.
I-I JUST... BECAUSE
I WAS NERVOUS
ABOUT LOSING THE JUNE
WEDDING DATE TO GAIL...
AND WHO KNOWS IF
EVERYTHING SHE SAID WAS TRUE?
I MADE UP THAT LITTLE WHITE LIE
ABOUT JOHNNY TALKING
WITH ME ALL NIGHT.
IT WASN'T A COMPLETE
LIE BECAUSE SOMEONE
REALLY DID STAY UP
WITH ME THAT NIGHT,
EXCEPT IT WASN'T JOHNNY.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
WHO DID STAY UP WITH YOU?
A FRIEND OF MINE... PETE.
PETE.
HE'S JUST A FRIEND.
I MEAN, HE DID KISS ME ONCE.
AND HE FLEW TO PARIS
BECAUSE HE WAS IN LOVE WITH ME.
AND I FELT A LITTLE SOMETHING
FOR HIM, BUT THAT PASSED.
IS THIS BORING?
NO, NO! I THINK I GOT IT.
YOU TOLD ME THE STORY
ABOUT YOU AND ANOTHER MAN
SO THAT I WOULD THINK YOU
AND JOHNNY MADE A NICE COUPLE.
IT MADE SENSE AT THE TIME!
SO WE'RE ON FOR THE 24th?
BEFORE WE TALK ABOUT THAT,
I THINK YOU AND JOHNNY
ARE OVERDUE FOR A
REAL CONVERSATION.
BUT THAT'S JUST A
SUGGESTION, RIGHT?
I DON'T HAVE TO
IF I DON'T WANT TO?
RIGHT, ALTHOUGH A MARRIAGE
SHOULD BE BASED ON TRUTH.
BUT YOU CAN'T TELL HIM.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
I AM GOING TO HOLD THIS
DATE FOR YOU UNTIL TOMORROW.
IF YOU REALLY FEEL LIKE
YOU'RE READY TO GET MARRIED,
CALL ME.
WE'RE READY. CALL ME.
ASHLEY?
Ashley: WILL YOU
GET THAT? I'M BUSY.
OF COURSE I'M GONNA
GET IT. IT'S MY PHONE.
MY HOUSE.
YEAH, HOLD ON.
IT'S FOR YOU.
TAKE A MESSAGE.
CAN I TAKE A MESSAGE?
YEAH, OKAY, I'LL TELL HER.
ASHLEY, A GUY NAMED
JERRY JUST CALLED.
HE SAYS THE APARTMENT'S
YOURS IF YOU WANT IT.
GREAT. I WAS JUST
PACKING MY BAGS.
IT DIDN'T WORK OUT
WITH PETE? SON OF A...
I'M SORRY, BABY.
THE LEAST I CAN DO
IS CALL YOU A CAB,
AND THEN WHEN YOU
FINISH UNPACKING,
YOU CAN COME BACK HERE
FOR A LITTLE SLEEPOVER?
I'M NOT SLEEPING OVER.
NO, YOU CAN SLEEP OVER.
PETE LOVED THAT.
AW, GEE, BERG, DOES
YOUR ARM HURT THERE?
NO.
OW!
PETE TOLD ME THAT YOU
DIDN'T WANT ME TO LIVE HERE.
YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?
PETE WANTED TO ADOPT A
MONKEY AND CALL IT "ASHLEY."
SAVE IT, BERG.
GOD, THIS ISN'T ABOUT PETE.
WHY DIDN'T YOU HAVE
THE GUTS TO TELL ME
THAT YOU DIDN'T WANT ME HERE?
I DID WANT YOU HERE.
I WAS VERY HAPPY
WITH YOU LIVING HERE
UNTIL I FOUND OUT THAT
YOU WERE LIVING HERE.
THEN WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
I SHOULD STAY.
YOU MAKE ALL THE DECISIONS
IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
I'M SICK AND TIRED OF IT.
THIS IS MY APARTMENT
AND I WILL DECIDE
WHO LIVES HERE.
DO YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE?
YES, I DO. THAT'S WHAT I WANT.
SO THAT'S THE WAY IT'S GONNA BE.
FINE. I'M LEAVING.
GOODBYE. YES, IT IS!
STOP!
I'M, UH, MAKING
ANOTHER DECISION.
I WANT YOU TO MOVE IN WITH ME.
EXCUSE ME?
NOW THAT I HAVE KICKED YOU OUT,
I AM FREE TO INVITE YOU BACK.
YOU ARE NOW LIVING
HERE BECAUSE I...
MADE IT SO.
ARE YOU SURE?
YES, I'M SURE.
NOW, I'M FINDING
MYSELF QUITE VIRILE,
SO I WANT YOU TO GO THE BEDROOM,
UNPACK YOUR BAGS,
AND WAIT FOR ME TO
HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU.
HUH.
I DON'T THINK WE'VE EVER
DONE IT YOUR WAY BEFORE.
HEY.
HEY. PERFECT TIMING!
I THOUGHT I'D COOK
FOR YOU TONIGHT.
I MADE YOUR FAVORITES.
OH, BEEF STROGANOFF!
OH, SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS.
MY FAVORITE!
SO, I GUESS ALL THIS MEANS YOU
DIDN'T SPEAK TO FATHER VITERI.
NO, I WENT.
WE TALKED ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE
OF HONESTY AND FORGIVENESS
IN A RELATIONSHIP.
MAINLY FORGIVENESS.
HE WAS REALLY PUSHIN'
THE FORGIVENESS.
SHARON, WHAT IS IT?
YOU KNOW THAT STORY
I TOLD FATHER VITERI
ABOUT YOU AND ME
STAYING UP ALL NIGHT?
WELL, IT WASN'T MADE-UP.
IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED...
BETWEEN ME AND PETE.
I SEE.
ARE YOU MAD?
ME? WHY WOULD I BE MAD?
JUST BECAUSE YOUR EXAMPLE
OF ONE OF OUR CLOSEST MOMENTS
HAPPENED BETWEEN
YOU AND ANOTHER GUY?
A GUY THAT WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU.
DOES HE LIVE ON SOME
FAR-OFF CORNER OF THE EARTH?
NO! He's downstairs! Lucky me!
YEAH, WELL, HERE'S
THE UPSETTING PART.
THAT WASN'T THE UPSETTING PART?
I HAD SOME FEELINGS
FOR PETE, TOO.
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE IT
UNTIL AFTER YOU PROPOSED!
SO THAT'S WHY YOU
WOULDN'T ANSWER ME?
THAT'S WHY YOU JERKED ME AROUND
WITH THIS "ENGAGEMENT
THEORY" GARBAGE?
THAT WAS A LEGITIMATE ANSWER!
AN ENGAGEMENT IS A
PROMISE TO BE MARRIED...
JUST STOP.
WILL YOU JUST PLEASE TALK TO ME?
HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF I TOLD
YOU THAT I HAD FEELINGS FOR PETE?!
OR SOMEONE.
NO WONDER I'VE HAD SECOND
THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS MARRIAGE.
YOU HAD SECOND THOUGHTS
ABOUT THIS MARRIAGE?
DROP A BOMB, WHY DON'T YOU?
CAN YOU BLAME ME?
I KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP,
BUT DO WE TALK ABOUT IT? NO!
WE DON'T TALK ABOUT ANYTHING!
WHAT DO YOU THINK
WE'RE DOING RIGHT NOW?
STARTING MY HISTORY
OF HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE?
WE'RE TALKING!
WE'RE COMMUNICATING!
WE'RE REVEALING DEEP SECRETS
THAT WILL HAUNT US FOREVER!
ISN'T THAT GREAT?
WELL, I HAVE TO ADMIT, IT'S
BETTER THAN NOT KNOWING.
BY ABOUT THIS MUCH.
DO YOU STILL HAVE DOUBTS?
YEAH.
SO, WHAT DO WE DO?
WE'LL KEEP TALKING,
AND EVENTUALLY THEY'LL GO AWAY.
GREAT.
WE'LL WORK ON IT TOGETHER.
All right.
All right? Right.
SO, WHO NEEDS COUNSELING?
WE DO.
BIG TIME.
100, 200, 300.
I WOULD'VE BEEN
HAPPY RIGHT THERE.
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!
400, 500... Berg: PETE.
HEY, LISTEN, UH...
NO, NO, ASHLEY, YOU
JUST STAY RIGHT THERE!
I THINK WE HAVE A LITTLE
ASHLEY-MONEY ISSUE TO DISCUSS.
OH. LOOK, BERG, I
WAS GONNA MENTION...
NO, YOU WEREN'T.
NO, REALLY...
I OWE YOU HER THIRD OF THE RENT.
SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND.
NO ARGUMENTS.
IT'S JUST THAT
MONEY IS SO TACKY.
WAIT, BERG.
THERE IS ONE THING.
THIS DOESN'T REALLY
COVER UTILITIES.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'LL EAT IT.
THANK YOU. YOU'RE THE BEST.
BOYS, WE HAVE COMPANY!
GIVE A GUY A BREAK!
THIS ISN'T EVEN YOUR APARTMENT!
COME ON!
WHAT'S GOIN' ON?
BERG, IT'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
SHE'S HOGGIN' THE
BATHROOM AGAIN.
I'VE BEEN WAITIN' OUT
HERE FOR 25 MINUTES.
ASHLEY!
ASHLEY, YOU CAN
SCRUB ALL YOU WANT,
THAT'S STILL YOUR FACE!
WHAT'S GOIN' ON, HONEY?
I'M NOT SURE.
I-I THOUGHT...
THE DOOR WAS
JAMMED, AND I THOUGHT...
IT'S A GOOD THING I DIDN'T
MAKE A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT.
OH, GOOD, THE BATHROOM'S FREE.
NO, NO, NO! WAIT! WAIT!
SHARON, WHAT IS THIS?
THERE'S NO BINGO HERE.
OH, SHOOT, THEY
MUST'VE CANCELED IT.
HEY, LET'S STAY FOR COUNSELING!
NO WAY.
COME ON, BABY, PLEASE?
THIS IS THE ONLY WAY
THEY'LL LET US HAVE
OUR WEDDING HERE.
AND THIS CHURCH IS
REALLY SPECIAL TO ME.
IT'S WHERE MY MOM MARRIED
MY FAVORITE STEPFATHER.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT
WASN'T AVAILABLE IN JUNE.
OH, I FORGOT TO TELL
YOU THE GOOD NEWS.
THE COUPLE THAT HAD JUNE 24th
WAS TRAMPLED BY A HERD
OF SOMETHING IN AFRICA.
SHARON! THEY DIDN'T DIE,
BUT THE CHURCH ISN'T
WHEELCHAIR-ACCESSIBLE.
ISN'T THAT GREAT?!
KNOCK, KNOCK.
EXCUSE US, WE'RE
WAITING FOR FATHER VITERI.
WE HAVE OUR PREMARITAL
COUNSELING SESSION.
WE'RE HERE FOR THE SAME THING.
A SPOT JUST OPENED ON JUNE 24th.
OH, WE'RE TRYING TO
GET THE SAME DATE.
ISN'T THAT NEAT?
THAT'S SO NEAT!
Do something!
UM...
THERE'S NO CHANCE YOU TWO
ARE GOING TO AFRICA, IS THERE?
WE'VE BEEN THERE ALREADY.
WE DID MISSIONARY
WORK LAST SUMMER.
OH!
CRAP! THEY'RE HOLY!
JOHNNY, THEY'RE
GONNA TAKE OUR DATE.
COME ON, WE'RE JUST
AS GOOD AS THEM.
NO, WE'RE NOT!
WE'RE LIVING TOGETHER
IN SIN AND HAVING SEX.
A BIG NIGHT FOR THEM
IS WHEN HE ACCIDENTALLY
ELBOWS HER IN THE BOOB.
HELLO!
HELLO, FATHER.
GARY, GAIL,
AND YOU MUST BE
SHARON AND JOHNNY.
HELLO, I'M FATHER VITERI.
I BROUGHT YOU A
LITTLE TREAT, FATHER.
WHAT? NOT THE MAPLE BARS.
OH! YEAH!
ARE YOU WORKIN' FOR THE DEVIL?
HE ASKED YOU A QUESTION.
LET'S ALL HAVE A
SEAT. LET'S RELAX.
NOW, I AM AWARE
THAT YOU TWO ARE
INTERESTED IN THE SAME DATE.
BUT REMEMBER, THIS
IS NOT A COMPETITION.
THIS IS RELIGIOUS COUNSELING,
AND IT'S ACTUALLY A LOT OF FUN!
NOW, WHO HERE WANTS TO TELL ME
SOMETHING THEY REALLY
LOVE ABOUT THEIR PARTNER?
WELL, IT SURE ISN'T SEX!
HEY, BERG.
GUESS WHERE I WAS?
YOU WENT DOWN TO THE GAS
STATION TO USE THE BATHROOM.
HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?
BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT A HUGE
WOODEN KEY IN YOUR POCKET.
MAN, THEY'RE GONNA BE FURIOUS.
I ALREADY LOST THE ONE
ATTACHED TO THE HUBCAP.
BERG, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
IF YOU WANTED ASHLEY TO MOVE IN,
WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST ASK ME?
PETE, IF SHE MOVED IN,
YOU WOULD BE THE FIRST TO KNOW.
I AM THE FIRST TO KNOW.
SHE DOESN'T LIVE HERE.
SHE SLEEPS HERE EVERY NIGHT.
OKAY, I DON'T MEAN TO BRAG,
BUT THAT'S NOT SOMETHING
SHE CAN CONTROL.
WHY IS THERE A PICTURE OF
HER FAMILY IN THE HALLWAY?
WHY DO WE HAVE COASTERS?
AND WHY ARE OUR TISSUES
COMING OUT OF A CROCHETED CAT?
I KNOW HOW YOU
FEEL ABOUT ASHLEY.
YOU THINK SHE'S PUSHY
AND MANIPULATIVE.
BUT SHE WOULD NEVER
MOVE INTO THIS APARTMENT
WITHOUT MY PERMISSION.
HOW ABOUT FORWARDING HER
MAIL WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION?
THAT PUSHY, MANIPULATIVE...
DON'T LET HER GET
AWAY WITH IT. I WON'T!
SHE CAN'T DO THIS! SHE CAN'T!
KICK HER OUT! NO WAY!
SHE MOVED IN HERE
WITHOUT ASKING.
IS THAT THE
RELATIONSHIP YOU WANT?
NO.
NO, IT'S NOT.
THEN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
BE A MAN. STAND
UP FOR YOUR RIGHTS.
I COULD DO THAT.
ANYTHING LESS WOULD BE PATHETIC.
YOU ARE RIGHT!
I CAN BARELY STAND
TO LOOK AT YOU!
WE'LL HAVE NO MORE OF THAT.
ALL RIGHT.
BUT YOU'RE GONNA
DO SOMETHING, RIGHT?
I'M GONNA TELL HER I'VE HAD IT,
AND SHE HAS TO MOVE OUT!
PETE'S HAD IT.
HE WANTS YOU TO MOVE OUT.
WHY IS HE BRINGING THIS UP NOW?
I'VE BEEN LIVING HERE
FOR OVER A MONTH.
A MONTH?
ANYWAY, PETE SAID HE'S
FINE IF YOU SPEND THE NIGHT,
AS LONG AS YOU, YOU
KNOW, LIVE SOMEPLACE ELSE.
I GUESS HE'S JUST
MORE COMFORTABLE
WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP
THE WAY IT WAS BEFORE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT HAPPENS IF I GET
PETE TO SAY THAT IT'S OKAY
THAT I LIVE HERE?
OH, I DON'T KNOW. I FOUGHT
REALLY HARD FOR YOU.
I ALMOST PUNCHED
HIM IN THE FACE.
WELL... I THINK I
COULD CONVINCE HIM.
THERE YOU GO. THAT'S THE SPIRIT!
NOW I WANNA SEE YOU APPLY THAT
ENERGY TO FINDING A NEW PLACE.
OH, FATHER!
IT'S A TRUE STORY!
BUT I DON'T TELL THAT
STORY JUST FOR THE LAUGHS.
I TELL THAT STORY TO ILLUSTRATE
THE IMPORTANCE OF COMMUNICATION.
WE FIND THAT MOST MARITAL
PROBLEMS CAN BE TRACED BACK
TO A LACK OF COMMUNICATION.
I WAS SAYING EXACTLY
THE SAME THING TO SHARON
ON THE WAY TO BINGO.
VERY GOOD. ALL RIGHT.
GAIL, COULD YOU
GIVE US AN EXAMPLE
OF HOW YOU AND GARY COMMUNICATE?
FOR ONE THING, EVERY NIGHT,
GARY AND I SET ASIDE AN HOUR
TO TALK ABOUT OUR DAY.
WE CALL IT "SHARE TIME."
SO, DURING SHARE TIME, DOES
GARY GET TO SAY ANYTHING?
JOHNNY, COULD YOU
GIVE US AN EXAMPLE
OF HOW A COMMUNICATION MIGHT
GO BETWEEN YOU AND SHARON?
OKAY.
UM, WELL, USUALLY I
JUST TRY TO FIGURE OUT
WHAT WOULD GET ME INTO
THE LEAST AMOUNT OF TROUBLE,
AND I JUST GO WITH THAT.
WELL, YOU DIDN'T
DO IT THIS TIME!
LET'S NOT GET INTO
A FIGHT, YOU TWO.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I LIKE THE WAY THEY BANTER.
A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR
IS AN IMPORTANT PART
OF ANY RELATIONSHIP.
JOHNNY AND I HAVE NO
PROBLEM COMMUNICATING.
ELABORATE.
WELL, A PERFECT EXAMPLE
OF THAT WOULD BE THE TIME...
A PERFECT EXAMPLE.
WOW, THERE ARE SO MANY!
WELL, JUST PICK ONE.
OKAY, OKAY.
UM, OKAY.
I REMEMBER ONCE MY MOM
WAS GOING INTO THE HOSPITAL
FOR AN OPERATION,
AND MY FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
HOME UNTIL THE NEXT DAY.
AND I FELT SO SCARED
AND HELPLESS, YOU KNOW?
BUT JOHNNY WAS THERE FOR ME.
HE STAYED WITH ME ALL
NIGHT AT THE AIRPORT,
AND WE TALKED ABOUT... I
DON'T KNOW, ABOUT EVERYTHING.
AND HOW IS YOUR MOTHER?
OH, WONDERFUL.
THEY SUCKED OVER
50 POUNDS OF FAT.
BUT THE POINT IS,
JOHNNY TALKED ME THROUGH ONE
OF THE WORST NIGHTS OF MY LIFE.
NOW, THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL STORY.
JUST LIKE A FAIRY TALE.
"DUNVILLE, BERGEN, WALKER"?
SORRY, ASHLEY, BUT
YOU'LL BE BUNKIN' WITH...
THE LOCHNESSKIS.
I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU LIED
TO FATHER VITERI LIKE THAT!
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT ME TO DO?
THEY WERE LIKE LITTLE
CHRISTIAN CON MEN!
BESIDES, WE GOT THE CHURCH.
I AM NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THIS.
WHAT?!
I-I JUST... I WANTED TO...
DID I GET MY MAIL?
LET'S JUST KEEP THE
DATE, AND I PROMISE
THIS IS THE LAST
TIME I LIE TO A PRIEST.
I AM NOT KEEPING THAT DATE,
NOT UNLESS YOU GO AND
TELL FATHER VITERI THE TRUTH.
Pete... GET OUT OF MY WAY!
PETE, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
SHARON, HE'S NOT
COMFORTABLE LYING TO CLERGY.
SOME PEOPLE WOULD SEE
THAT AS A GOOD QUALITY.
AND BESIDES, THIS
IS HIS WEDDING, TOO.
I SUPPOSE.
HELLO, PETER.
I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.
WHAT'S UP?
LET'S BE HONEST.
YOU DON'T LIKE ME
AND I DETEST YOU.
YOU DON'T THINK MUCH OF
ME AND I THINK YOU'RE A TURD.
YOU HAD ME AT "HELLO."
I WANT YOU TO TELL BERG
THAT YOU WANT ME TO LIVE HERE.
YES, AND I WANNA BE
A PRETTY BALLERINA
AND DANCE AT THE CZAR'S BALL.
OPEN IT.
WHAT IS THIS?
MY SHARE OF THE RENT
FOR ONE YEAR IN ADVANCE.
AND IF YOU DON'T TELL BERG,
HE'LL CONTINUE TO PAY 1/2,
AND WITH MY 1/3, YOU'LL
ONLY HAVE TO PAY 1/6.
I GET ALL OF IT?
YEAH, AND I GOT IT IN ONES.
IT'S EASIER FOR THE LAP DANCERS.
NOT SO FAST, ASHLEY.
YOU GOT ME TO THE BALL.
NOW, LET'S DANCE.
OKAY.
YOU'VE GOT FIRST PRIORITY
WITH THE BATHROOM.
OOH, YEAH.
YEAH, IT'S GOT A GOOD BEAT.
BUT I'M STILL LEANIN'
AGAINST THE WALL.
OKAY, I WILL INTRODUCE YOU
TO THE NURSE OF YOUR CHOICE.
YOU CAN HAVE A REAL ONE,
OR A GIRL THAT JUST
DRESSES LIKE ONE FOR PARTIES.
YOU GOT ME ON THE FLOOR
NOW, BUT IT'S JUST... I GET...
I JUST WANT MORE STUFF.
OKAY, FINE. THIS IS
YOUR FINAL OFFER.
YOU GOT THE CASH.
YOU GOT THE BATHROOM.
YOU GOT THE NURSE.
AND FOR EVERY THREE
TIMES YOU INSULT ME,
I WILL ONLY RETORT TO ONE.
THAT MEANS "RESPOND."
I'M STILL NOT SURE.
OKAY, THIS OFFER'S ONLY
GOOD FOR 10 SECONDS.
7, 6, 5, 4... I'LL TAKE IT!
I'D BE A GREAT SENATOR.
HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU HAVE
TO GIVE BERG FOR HIM TO AGREE?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
THIS MORNING HE WAS TALKING
ABOUT THROWING YOU OUT.
NOW I REALIZE I'VE SAID
SOMETHING TERRIBLY WRONG.
THAT JERK!
IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER,
HE WON'T SEE A DIME OF THIS.
FORGET IT.
IF BERG DOESN'T WANT ME
HERE, THEN ALL DEALS ARE OFF.
COME BACK CASHLEY... ASHLEY.
I-I JUST... BECAUSE
I WAS NERVOUS
ABOUT LOSING THE JUNE
WEDDING DATE TO GAIL...
AND WHO KNOWS IF
EVERYTHING SHE SAID WAS TRUE?
I MADE UP THAT LITTLE WHITE LIE
ABOUT JOHNNY TALKING
WITH ME ALL NIGHT.
IT WASN'T A COMPLETE
LIE BECAUSE SOMEONE
REALLY DID STAY UP
WITH ME THAT NIGHT,
EXCEPT IT WASN'T JOHNNY.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
WHO DID STAY UP WITH YOU?
A FRIEND OF MINE... PETE.
PETE.
HE'S JUST A FRIEND.
I MEAN, HE DID KISS ME ONCE.
AND HE FLEW TO PARIS
BECAUSE HE WAS IN LOVE WITH ME.
AND I FELT A LITTLE SOMETHING
FOR HIM, BUT THAT PASSED.
IS THIS BORING?
NO, NO! I THINK I GOT IT.
YOU TOLD ME THE STORY
ABOUT YOU AND ANOTHER MAN
SO THAT I WOULD THINK YOU
AND JOHNNY MADE A NICE COUPLE.
IT MADE SENSE AT THE TIME!
SO WE'RE ON FOR THE 24th?
BEFORE WE TALK ABOUT THAT,
I THINK YOU AND JOHNNY
ARE OVERDUE FOR A
REAL CONVERSATION.
BUT THAT'S JUST A
SUGGESTION, RIGHT?
I DON'T HAVE TO
IF I DON'T WANT TO?
RIGHT, ALTHOUGH A MARRIAGE
SHOULD BE BASED ON TRUTH.
BUT YOU CAN'T TELL HIM.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
I AM GOING TO HOLD THIS
DATE FOR YOU UNTIL TOMORROW.
IF YOU REALLY FEEL LIKE
YOU'RE READY TO GET MARRIED,
CALL ME.
WE'RE READY. CALL ME.
ASHLEY?
Ashley: WILL YOU
GET THAT? I'M BUSY.
OF COURSE I'M GONNA
GET IT. IT'S MY PHONE.
MY HOUSE.
YEAH, HOLD ON.
IT'S FOR YOU.
TAKE A MESSAGE.
CAN I TAKE A MESSAGE?
YEAH, OKAY, I'LL TELL HER.
ASHLEY, A GUY NAMED
JERRY JUST CALLED.
HE SAYS THE APARTMENT'S
YOURS IF YOU WANT IT.
GREAT. I WAS JUST
PACKING MY BAGS.
IT DIDN'T WORK OUT
WITH PETE? SON OF A...
I'M SORRY, BABY.
THE LEAST I CAN DO
IS CALL YOU A CAB,
AND THEN WHEN YOU
FINISH UNPACKING,
YOU CAN COME BACK HERE
FOR A LITTLE SLEEPOVER?
I'M NOT SLEEPING OVER.
NO, YOU CAN SLEEP OVER.
PETE LOVED THAT.
AW, GEE, BERG, DOES
YOUR ARM HURT THERE?
NO.
OW!
PETE TOLD ME THAT YOU
DIDN'T WANT ME TO LIVE HERE.
YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?
PETE WANTED TO ADOPT A
MONKEY AND CALL IT "ASHLEY."
SAVE IT, BERG.
GOD, THIS ISN'T ABOUT PETE.
WHY DIDN'T YOU HAVE
THE GUTS TO TELL ME
THAT YOU DIDN'T WANT ME HERE?
I DID WANT YOU HERE.
I WAS VERY HAPPY
WITH YOU LIVING HERE
UNTIL I FOUND OUT THAT
YOU WERE LIVING HERE.
THEN WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
I SHOULD STAY.
YOU MAKE ALL THE DECISIONS
IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
I'M SICK AND TIRED OF IT.
THIS IS MY APARTMENT
AND I WILL DECIDE
WHO LIVES HERE.
DO YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE?
YES, I DO. THAT'S WHAT I WANT.
SO THAT'S THE WAY IT'S GONNA BE.
FINE. I'M LEAVING.
GOODBYE. YES, IT IS!
STOP!
I'M, UH, MAKING
ANOTHER DECISION.
I WANT YOU TO MOVE IN WITH ME.
EXCUSE ME?
NOW THAT I HAVE KICKED YOU OUT,
I AM FREE TO INVITE YOU BACK.
YOU ARE NOW LIVING
HERE BECAUSE I...
MADE IT SO.
ARE YOU SURE?
YES, I'M SURE.
NOW, I'M FINDING
MYSELF QUITE VIRILE,
SO I WANT YOU TO GO THE BEDROOM,
UNPACK YOUR BAGS,
AND WAIT FOR ME TO
HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU.
HUH.
I DON'T THINK WE'VE EVER
DONE IT YOUR WAY BEFORE.
HEY.
HEY. PERFECT TIMING!
I THOUGHT I'D COOK
FOR YOU TONIGHT.
I MADE YOUR FAVORITES.
OH, BEEF STROGANOFF!
OH, SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS.
MY FAVORITE!
SO, I GUESS ALL THIS MEANS YOU
DIDN'T SPEAK TO FATHER VITERI.
NO, I WENT.
WE TALKED ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE
OF HONESTY AND FORGIVENESS
IN A RELATIONSHIP.
MAINLY FORGIVENESS.
HE WAS REALLY PUSHIN'
THE FORGIVENESS.
SHARON, WHAT IS IT?
YOU KNOW THAT STORY
I TOLD FATHER VITERI
ABOUT YOU AND ME
STAYING UP ALL NIGHT?
WELL, IT WASN'T MADE-UP.
IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED...
BETWEEN ME AND PETE.
I SEE.
ARE YOU MAD?
ME? WHY WOULD I BE MAD?
JUST BECAUSE YOUR EXAMPLE
OF ONE OF OUR CLOSEST MOMENTS
HAPPENED BETWEEN
YOU AND ANOTHER GUY?
A GUY THAT WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU.
DOES HE LIVE ON SOME
FAR-OFF CORNER OF THE EARTH?
NO! He's downstairs! Lucky me!
YEAH, WELL, HERE'S
THE UPSETTING PART.
THAT WASN'T THE UPSETTING PART?
I HAD SOME FEELINGS
FOR PETE, TOO.
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE IT
UNTIL AFTER YOU PROPOSED!
SO THAT'S WHY YOU
WOULDN'T ANSWER ME?
THAT'S WHY YOU JERKED ME AROUND
WITH THIS "ENGAGEMENT
THEORY" GARBAGE?
THAT WAS A LEGITIMATE ANSWER!
AN ENGAGEMENT IS A
PROMISE TO BE MARRIED...
JUST STOP.
WILL YOU JUST PLEASE TALK TO ME?
HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF I TOLD
YOU THAT I HAD FEELINGS FOR PETE?!
OR SOMEONE.
NO WONDER I'VE HAD SECOND
THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS MARRIAGE.
YOU HAD SECOND THOUGHTS
ABOUT THIS MARRIAGE?
DROP A BOMB, WHY DON'T YOU?
CAN YOU BLAME ME?
I KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP,
BUT DO WE TALK ABOUT IT? NO!
WE DON'T TALK ABOUT ANYTHING!
WHAT DO YOU THINK
WE'RE DOING RIGHT NOW?
STARTING MY HISTORY
OF HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE?
WE'RE TALKING!
WE'RE COMMUNICATING!
WE'RE REVEALING DEEP SECRETS
THAT WILL HAUNT US FOREVER!
ISN'T THAT GREAT?
WELL, I HAVE TO ADMIT, IT'S
BETTER THAN NOT KNOWING.
BY ABOUT THIS MUCH.
DO YOU STILL HAVE DOUBTS?
YEAH.
SO, WHAT DO WE DO?
WE'LL KEEP TALKING,
AND EVENTUALLY THEY'LL GO AWAY.
GREAT.
WE'LL WORK ON IT TOGETHER.
All right.
All right? Right.
SO, WHO NEEDS COUNSELING?
WE DO.
BIG TIME.
100, 200, 300.
I WOULD'VE BEEN
HAPPY RIGHT THERE.
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!
400, 500... Berg: PETE.
HEY, LISTEN, UH...
NO, NO, ASHLEY, YOU
JUST STAY RIGHT THERE!
I THINK WE HAVE A LITTLE
ASHLEY-MONEY ISSUE TO DISCUSS.
OH. LOOK, BERG, I
WAS GONNA MENTION...
NO, YOU WEREN'T.
NO, REALLY...
I OWE YOU HER THIRD OF THE RENT.
SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND.
NO ARGUMENTS.
IT'S JUST THAT
MONEY IS SO TACKY.
WAIT, BERG.
THERE IS ONE THING.
THIS DOESN'T REALLY
COVER UTILITIES.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'LL EAT IT.
THANK YOU. YOU'RE THE BEST.
BOYS, WE HAVE COMPANY!