Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 3, Episode 4 - Career Day - full transcript
Pete's work at the employment agency is not going well and he is under pressure to fill a new job vacancy. He tries to get Sharon to do it, who has just been complimented on her ability to distort the truth. She doesn't get the job so Pete intervenes to help her, unsuccessfully. Sharon quits her job but doesn't have one to go to. Ashley's ex husband turns up at the hospital and Berg has an interesting conversation with him. Berg wants to know more about their relationship. There is a rat loose in the apartment and Ashley is determined to get it.
THIS IS OUR EMPLOYMENT
AGENCY'S FINEST HOUR.
LAST QUARTER WE FOUND
JOBS FOR 97% OF OUR CLIENTS.
WHOO-HOO! WHOO!
THE 3% ON WELFARE
ARE DUNVILLE'S.
WHOO.
YOU'RE SAND IN OUR
POCKETS, DUNVILLE.
HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO WELL
IF YOU DON'T EVER GIVE
ME ANY GOOD JOB LEADS?
GOOD QUESTION.
I'LL THINK ABOUT THAT WHILE
THE REST OF US CELEBRATE
AT OUR CHAMPAGNE
BRUNCH. COME ON, WINNERS!
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU GIVE ME A DECENT JOB LEAD,
AND I GUARANTEE I'LL
BE THE ONE TO FILL IT.
Man: DON'T DO IT!
YEAH? YEAH.
YOU THINK YOU'RE READY
TO PLAY WITH THE BIG DOGS?
[BARKING]
ALL RIGHT.
HERE'S YOUR LEAD.
VICE-PRESIDENT OF SALES
FOR WORLD GLOW COSMETICS.
ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.
YOU WON'T REGRET THIS.
YOU'RE RIGHT, I WON'T,
BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T
FILL THIS POSITION
BY 5:00, YOU'RE FIRED.
ACTUALLY, CAN I HAVE UNTIL 5:20?
BECAUSE I CAME IN LATE TODAY.
HEY, BERG.
HEY. THEY HAD ME FILLING
IODINE BOTTLES ALL DAY.
BUT STILL, IT'S BETTER
THAN WHAT THEY HAD
ME EMPTY YESTERDAY.
THAT'S NICE.
WELL, THANKS A LOT
FOR STOPPING BY.
YOU'RE WELCOME. BY
THE WAY, YOU LOOK GREAT.
SO DO YOU.
WELL, IF NO ONE ELSE
IS GOING TO SAY IT, I WILL.
I LOOK FANTASTIC.
UM, BRANDON, THIS IS
BERG, MY BOYFRIEND.
HI. HI.
AND, BERG, THIS IS
BRANDON, MY EX-HUSBAND.
BERG!
OW!
SO, YOU'RE... YOU'RE
THE EX-HUSBAND
SHE NEVER TALKS ABOUT.
IT'S NICE TO FINALLY PUT A FACE
TO THE HOLES IN THE
WEDDING PICTURES.
OKAY, BERG, BEFORE YOU
TWO START GETTING CHUMMY,
JUST REMEMBER, I'VE
SEEN YOU BOTH NAKED.
I SHOULD BE GOING ANYWAY.
BERG, PLEASURE MEETING YOU.
I'M GLAD YOU LIKED IT.
WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
OH, HE JUST WANTED
ME TO SIGN SOME PAPERS.
WE SOLD OUR CABIN.
CABIN? YOU HAD A CABIN?
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL
ME YOU HAD A CABIN?
WELL, I WAS WAITING
FOR THE RIGHT TIME.
BERG, I HAD A CABIN.
YOU PROBABLY HAVE A
LOT OF OTHER QUESTIONS,
SO I GOT TO GO.
WAIT UP. HOLD ON, HOLD ON.
LOOK, YOU ALWAYS
KEEP THINGS FROM ME.
I'D LIKE TO KNOW A LITTLE
MORE ABOUT BRANDON.
WE GOT MARRIED AND
WE BOUGHT A CABIN,
AND WE GOT DIVORCED
AND WE SOLD IT.
I'VE BEEN APPROACHED ABOUT
MAKING IT INTO A MINISERIES.
STARRING ASHLEY WALKER
IN "THE WINDS OF ANNOYANCE."
Hey, Berg.
BERG, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.
IT'S IMPORTANT.
UH, WELL... WHAT'S GOING ON?
ARE WE GOING TO VOTE?
I SAW WHAT HAPPENED
WHEN YOU SPILLED ON ASHLEY.
I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT
WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
OH, NO, LISTEN, DON'T
WORRY ABOUT IT.
SHE'LL COVER IT UP WITH
BLOOD OR SOMETHING.
BERG, IGNORING IT
WON'T MAKE IT GO AWAY.
MAKE WHAT GO AWAY?
YOU CAN TELL ME.
I'M NOT GOING TO
THINK YOU'RE CRAZY.
HOW ABOUT YOU TELL ME,
AND I WON'T THINK YOU'RE CRAZY?
SHE BEATS YOU, DOESN'T SHE?
[LAUGHING]
WHAT?
IT'S OKAY, I'VE BEEN THERE.
SHE BEAT ME, TOO. IT
BROKE UP OUR MARRIAGE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
AT FIRST I WAS ATTRACTED
TO HER ROUGHNESS,
AND THEN IT JUST, UH,
IT GOT OUT OF HAND.
WELL, YOU SEE THIS?
ASHLEY PUSHED ME
DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.
SHE TOLD ME TO TELL
EVERYONE I RAN INTO A DOOR.
WELL, THIS HAS BEEN
NICE. THANK YOU.
UM, I'M SORRY THAT
YOU HAVE TO GO.
YOU'RE NOT READY
TO TALK ABOUT IT.
WHEN YOU ARE, GIVE ME A CALL.
OKAY. DON'T LET THE
DOOR HIT YOU IN THE FACE
ON THE WAY OUT.
HEY. READY FOR LUNCH?
YEAH.
HI, JOHNNY.
HI, EVELYN.
MIND IF WE STOP FOR SOME POISON?
THE GUYS HAVE A RAT
IN THEIR APARTMENT,
AND I CAN'T STAND THE SCREAMING.
WE'RE A CHEMICAL COMPANY.
WE MAKE A TERRIFIC RAT POISON.
YOU DO?
WE DISCOVERED IT BY ACCIDENT.
WE THOUGHT WE WERE
MAKING DOG SHAMPOO.
SHARON, I JUST READ THIS
REPORT YOU TURNED IN.
IT'S THOROUGHLY MISLEADING.
I DON'T THINK THERE'S A
GRAIN OF TRUTH IN THERE.
NICELY DONE.
IT'S NICE TO KNOW THAT
I MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
DID YOU KNOW THAT
THIS WOMAN CAN TAKE
ANY SET OF DAMAGING FACTS
AND TWIST AND MOLD THEM
INTO A WONDERFUL
WEB OF HALF-TRUTHS?
YEAH, THAT WAS HER TALENT
IN THE MISS GEORGIA PAGEANT.
HERE. WE'RE HAVING A
PROBLEM WITH OUR PLANT
IN THE ANTARCTIC.
EVIDENTLY PENGUINS ONLY SURVIVE
AT CERTAIN TEMPERATURES.
DO YOUR MAGIC.
YOU GOT IT, SIR.
SO, UH, WHERE DO YOU
WANT TO GO FOR LUNCH?
I DON'T CARE,
AS LONG AS THEY'RE
NOT WEARING TUXEDOS.
SHARON!
YOU GOT TO GO. HEY, JOHNNY.
WHERE? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I GOT YOU AN INTERVIEW.
Shh. Pete, I work here.
I KNOW WHO YOU GET JOBS FOR.
I DON'T FEEL LIKE
WEARING A HAIRNET.
NO, NO. SHARON,
COME ON, THIS IS LEGIT...
VICE-PRESIDENT OF SALES
FOR WORLD GLOW COSMETICS.
THEY'RE LOOKING FOR
A SMART, EXPERIENCED,
ARTICULATE EXECUTIVE,
AND I CONSIDER YOU
MY ONE AND ONLY
CHOICE FOR THIS JOB.
PETE, THAT IS SO
SWEET, BUT I JUST CAN'T...
COME ON, SHARON, YOU'RE
THE ONLY ONE I KNOW.
I'VE BEEN HERE SO LONG.
I'VE WORKED SO HARD
TO GET WHERE I AM.
IT'S JUST AN
INTERVIEW, 20 MINUTES.
I DON'T HAVE TIME TO PREPARE.
YOU'LL BE GREAT.
JUST DO THAT THING
WHERE YOU LIE.
YOU HATE THIS JOB. IT
MAKES YOU FEEL TERRIBLE.
AND BESIDES, I'M STARTING
TO FALL FOR EVELYN.
BE SWEET TO ME!
OH, HEY, BABY, YOU ARE
NOT GOING TO BELIEVE
THE CRAZY
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD.
ONE SECOND.
WHAT'S UP?
OH, GOD. THIS STUPID
MACHINE TOOK MY CHANGE.
OH, I HAVE CHANGE.
KEEP IT.
SOMETIMES A GOOD BEATING
IS ALL IT UNDERSTANDS.
OKAY, SWEETIE, WHAT IS
IT YOU WANTED TO TELL ME?
THURSDAY'S TETRAZZINI
DAY IN THE CAFETERIA.
PETE.
SHARON, HOW'D IT GO?
WELL, I'M AFRAID NOT TOO WELL.
OH.
FOR THE OTHER
PEOPLE! I NAILED IT!
OH, YES, YES! THANK GOD.
ARE YOU SURE THEY LIKED YOU?
THERE WERE SO MANY
SMILES, I THOUGHT I WAS
IN A PRODUCTION
OF "UP WITH SHARON."
THANK YOU, SHARON. YOU SAVED ME.
NO, YOU SAVED ME.
I COULD HAVE BEEN
STUCK IN THAT JOB
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
HOW IS IT THAT
YOU ALWAYS GIVE ME
THE STRENGTH TO DO
WHAT I'M AFRAID TO DO?
'CAUSE YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND.
[LAUGHS]
AND I WAS DESPERATE
TO KEEP MY JOB.
CALL ME WHEN YOU HEAR.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
AHEM.
AHEM.
WELL, HEY.
HEY, WHAT'S THIS NEXT
TO PETE DUNVILLE'S NAME?
WELL, WAIT A MINUTE.
IT LOOKS LIKE A HEAD.
SO, MAKING PROGRESS ON
THE WORLD GLOW ACCOUNT?
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I AM.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU'RE NOT.
I JUST SPOKE WITH THEM.
THEY HATED THE
WOMAN YOU SUBMITTED.
WHAT? SHE SAID
THEY SMILED AT HER.
I SMILE AT YOU.
WHAT'S THAT WORTH?
SHE DIDN'T HAVE
PROPER TIME TO PREPARE.
MAYBE IF I WENT DOWN
THERE AND TALKED TO THEM.
IT'S THE NATURE
OF JOB PLACEMENT.
SOMETIMES THINGS
JUST DON'T WORK OUT.
FOR EXAMPLE, YOU.
YOU'RE FIRED.
WAIT. YOU SAID I HAD
UNTIL THE END OF THE DAY.
OH, I'M SORRY. YOU'RE RIGHT.
COME BACK IN TWO HOURS,
AND I'LL FIRE YOU THEN.
SHIRLEY, WRITE THAT DOWN...
5:00 MEETING WITH THE BOSS.
THANK YOU FOR SEEING
ME ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE.
I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU
ABOUT THE BIGGEST MISTAKE
YOU ALMOST MADE.
["AMERICA THE
BEAUTIFUL" PLAYING]
SHARON CARTER STARTED
OUT IN A SMALL TOWN
CALLED HOPE.
HEY, BERG, CAREFUL GOING
INTO YOUR APARTMENT.
I JUST FED YOUR RAT SOME POISON.
DID IT HAVE AN EFFECT?
YEAH. HE'S GOT A
NICE, SHINY COAT,
AND HE'S MAD AS HELL.
WHOA. SO I CAN'T
GO IN MY APARTMENT?
OF COURSE YOU CAN.
JUST DON'T FALL ASLEEP.
HEY, JOHNNY, LISTEN,
HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION.
LET'S SAY THIS GUY
IS DATING THIS GIRL.
NO, NO, IT'S A
GIRL DATING A GUY.
AND HIS EX-HUSBAND TELLS HIM...
I MEAN, SHE TELLS
HER... IT SHOULD BE A HE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? SCREW IT.
ASHLEY'S EX-HUSBAND
TOLD ME SHE BEAT HIM.
YOU BELIEVE HIM?
SHE NEVER TALKS ABOUT HIM.
WHAT IF THERE'S A SIDE
TO HER I DON'T KNOW?
WHAT IF ASHLEY'S
NOT JUST THE COLD,
MEAN-SPIRITED GIRL
I FELL IN LOVE WITH?
LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE...
A LOT OF GUYS WOULD PAY
TO HAVE A PRETTY GIRL HIT THEM.
HEADS UP.
HI. HI. YOU'RE IN A GOOD MOOD.
IT'S A GREAT DAY. I'M
GOING TO KILL A RAT.
DON'T BOTHER. I JUST
TRIED TO POISON IT.
POISON? POISON'S FOR CATS.
NO, I'M KIDDING.
I TOLD YOU I WAS
IN A GREAT MOOD.
NO, I HAVE GOT THE BEST
WAY TO CATCH A RAT. GOTCHA!
HA HA HA!
THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A FLAT RAT
TO SEND A MESSAGE
TO HIS BUDDIES,
RIGHT, BERG?
I'LL SEE YA.
YOU WANT TO SLEEP
AT OUR PLACE TONIGHT?
AND SINCE SHARON
CARTER TOOK THE BATON
OF PUBLIC RELATIONS,
IMMACULATE CHEMICALS'
APPROVAL RATING
HAS GONE UP A WHOPPING 46%.
A WHOPPING 46%
AND THAT'S DESPITE
ADDING EIGHT DIFFERENT FISH
TO THE ENDANGERED SPECIES LIST.
AND IN CLOSING,
I SAY TO YOU HERE,
NOW, LADIES, GENTLEMEN,
SAYING NO TO SHARON
CARTER IS SAYING NO...
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
TO AMERICA.
IMPRESSIVE, MR. DUNVILLE.
VERY IMPRESSIVE.
THANK YOU.
SHARON CARTER COOKIE?
[Urgently] Don't
turn on the lights.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Shh. Lower your voice.
OOPS.
GREAT, BERG.
NOW YOU SCARED THE RAT.
WE MAY NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN.
DAMN.
NOW WHO'S GOING TO NIBBLE
ME IN THE PLACES THAT COUNT?
LOOK, THERE'S SOME THINGS
THAT I NEED TO KNOW
ABOUT BRANDON.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT HIM.
ASHLEY, WHY DID
YOU TWO BREAK UP?
FOR A LOT OF REASONS.
LIKE WHAT? DID HE CHEAT ON YOU?
DID HE HAVE A GAMBLING PROBLEM?
DID HE CHEAT AT GAMBLING?
THIS IS EMBARRASSING
FOR ME, OKAY?
WELL, THAT MAKES IT
ALL THE MORE INTERESTING FOR ME.
LOOK, BERG,
I LEFT BRANDON BECAUSE DEEP DOWN
I KNEW THAT THERE WAS
SOMEBODY BETTER
FOR ME OUT THERE,
AND I THINK I MAY
HAVE FOUND HIM.
I'M AN IDIOT. COME HERE, BABY.
DIE!
I SAW THE RAT.
YOU ALMOST TOOK MY HEAD OFF!
I WASN'T THINKING.
SOMETIMES I JUST REACT.
LIKE THE TIME YOU PUSHED
BRANDON DOWN THE STAIRS.
WHAT?
THE SCAR ON HIS FOREHEAD?
HE RAN INTO A DOOR.
HE SAID YOU'D SAY THAT.
WAIT. YOU'VE BEEN
TALKING TO BRANDON?
HE TOLD ME EVERYTHING. I
KNOW YOU USED TO BEAT HIM.
OH. OKAY, THAT'S IT.
I'VE HAD IT WITH HIM.
HE JUST WANTS TO HELP.
NO, HE'S DEAD.
BRANDON, IT'S BERG.
IF YOU'RE HOME, GET
OUT OF THE HOUSE.
WHAT'D YOU HAVE FOR LUNCH?
UH, TUNA.
WOW.
GREAT CHOICE.
THANKS.
HEY, WHERE'D YOU GO?
RESEARCH. I WENT SHOPPING
TO GET TO KNOW THE
WORLD GLOW PRODUCTS.
YOU ARE EXCITED ABOUT THIS.
LIKE THE GOVERNOR JUST CALLED
AND SAID I COULD GO SELL MAKEUP.
DID PETE CALL? YES.
HE SAID HE'D CALL BACK.
DID HE SOUND HAPPY
OR SAD? HAPPY.
HAPPY! HE SOUNDED HAPPY!
SHARON, THIS WHOLE PENGUIN THING
IS BLOWING UP IN OUR FACE.
WHERE'S THAT REPORT?
I CAN'T DO IT, SIR.
TELL THE WORLD ABOUT
PENGUIN OVERPOPULATION,
KILLER PENGUINS, WHATEVER
MAKES THEM LOOK BAD.
WHAT I MEAN IS I WON'T.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I HATE THIS COMPANY,
I HATE THIS JOB,
AND I HATE MYSELF FOR DOING IT.
SHARON... AND I'M
SURE I AM NOT ALONE.
WHO HERE FEELS LOUSY
ABOUT THEMSELVES
WHEN THEY DRIVE HOME
FROM WORK EACH DAY? HUH?
HELEN?
WHO HERE FEELS GUILTY WHEN
THEY WATCH THE LEAVES FALL?
WHO HERE HAS NIGHTMARES
ABOUT WOODSY OWL
AND THE CRYING INDIAN?
AND YOU SHOULD BECAUSE
YOU'RE GOOD PEOPLE,
AND YOU'RE STUCK
IN A BAD, BAD JOB.
SHARON, ENOUGH!
NO. PEOPLE, THERE ARE
OTHER JOBS OUT THERE,
JOBS THAT YOU CAN BE PROUD OF,
JOBS THAT HELP.
THERE ARE. I'VE SEEN THEM.
COME ON, WHO'S COMING WITH ME?
COME ON, WHO?
I AM.
GET BACK TO WORK!
WHO ELSE? I AM.
YES! ME, TOO.
SHARON...
OH, UH, EXCUSE
ME. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
I REALIZE I DON'T HAVE A
PLACE TO TAKE ANY OF YOU,
BUT THANK YOU SO
MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT.
BRANDON!
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
TELL HIM YOU'RE JUST
MESSING WITH HIM.
TELL HIM I NEVER BEAT YOU.
SHE NEVER BEAT ME.
TELL HIM LIKE YOU'RE NOT SCARED.
DON'T HURT ME.
BERG, YOU SEE, HE'S
JUST MESSING WITH YOU.
OH, COME ON! WHO ARE
YOU GOING TO BELIEVE,
ME OR SOMEBODY YOU JUST MET?
WELL... YOU SEE? YOU...
YOU'RE TURNING MY BOYFRIEND
INTO A PARANOID WRECK.
YEAH, BUT, YOU KNOW,
I DIDN'T THINK IT'D BE SO EASY.
WHAT?
YOU'RE JUST MESSING WITH ME?
WHAT, YOU'RE JUST GETTING IT?
WELL, YOU KNOW,
I'D BETTER GET HOME.
YOU KIDS HAVE A
LOT TO FIGHT ABOUT.
I KNEW.
I WAS PLAYING ALONG, OKAY?
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT HE THOUGHT
THAT I THOUGHT THAT...
YOU GOT TO ADMIT, HE
WAS PRETTY CONVINCING.
BERG, HOW COULD YOU
THINK THAT ABOUT ME?
BECAUSE I HEARD IT
FROM YOUR EX-HUSBAND,
AND YOU NEVER TELL
ME ANYTHING, ASHLEY.
I TOLD YOU. NO, YOU DIDN'T.
YOU GLOSSED OVER IT
WITH ALL THE
EMOTIONAL, MUSHY CRAP.
I'M GOING TO NEED
SOME COLD, HARD FACTS.
OKAY, WHAT IF I TOLD
YOU THAT BRANDON
PULLS STUNTS LIKE
THAT ALL THE TIME?
WHAT IF I TOLD YOU
THAT HE GAVE ME
HIS GRANDMOTHER'S
ENGAGEMENT RING,
AND HE NEVER TOLD
HER THAT HE TOOK IT?
OR THAT ON OUR WEDDING DAY,
HE TOLD HIS PARENTS
THAT I WAS REALLY A MAN?
AND WHAT IF I TOLD YOU
THAT AFTER ALL OF THAT,
I STILL SAID "I DO"?
WHAT WOULD YOU THINK OF ME THEN?
NOT MUCH.
WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR
YOU. GIVE US THE NEWS.
YOU DIDN'T GET THE JOB.
THAT'S NOT THE NEWS.
I'M SO SORRY, SHARON.
I TRIED MY HARDEST. I
MEAN IT, I REALLY DID.
I REALLY WANTED YOU TO GET IT.
LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE...
YOU HAVE YOUR OLD JOB.
I QUIT TODAY.
DON'T WORRY, PETE WILL FIND
YOU SOMETHING EVEN BETTER.
ACTUALLY, I CAN'T. I DON'T
WORK THERE ANYMORE.
THEY FIRED YOU BECAUSE OF ME?
I FEEL AWFUL.
NO, NO, NO, DON'T FEEL AWFUL.
I KIND OF ALREADY
HAVE A NEW JOB.
REALLY? WHERE?
[Mumbles]
VICE-PRESIDENT OF SALES,
WORLD GLOW COSMETICS.
EXCUSE ME?
VICE-PRESIDENT OF SALES,
WORLD GLOW COSMETICS.
YOU TOOK MY JOB?
I WENT DOWN THERE TO
ARGUE ON YOUR BEHALF,
AND THEY WERE SO IMPRESSED,
THEY GAVE ME THE JOB.
YOU TOOK MY JOB.
YEAH, BUT ONLY
BECAUSE YOU BLEW IT.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
EVELYN SAID YOU SOUNDED
HAPPY ON THE PHONE.
I WAS. I JUST GOT A JOB.
IF YOU WERE A TRUE FRIEND,
YOU NEVER WOULD
HAVE ACCEPTED IT.
THEY WEREN'T GOING TO HIRE YOU.
NOT AFTER YOU SABOTAGED ME.
PETE WOULD NEVER...
PICK YOUR SIDES VERY CAREFULLY.
MAN, YOU THINK YOU KNOW A GUY!
OH...
COME ON, SHARON,
YOU'LL FIND A NEW JOB.
OH, I DON'T DOUBT THAT.
BUT IT'S GOING TO BE A HASSLE
FINDING A NEW BEST FRIEND.
ANYWAY, CONGRATULATIONS.
NEVER. THE RAT HAS GOTTENST
CALL SMARTER, AND SO MUST I.TOR?
LOOK, WHEN THE
SANDWICH IS DISTURBED,
IT PULLS THIS STRING,
REVEALING THE MIRROR.
THE RAT WILL
APPROACH THE MIRROR,
BELIEVING IT HAS FOUND A MATE.
WHEN HE TOUCHES THE MIRROR,
THAT 20-POUND BAG
OF FLOUR IS RELEASED,
AND WHAM! OFF TO THE
BIG SEWER IN THE SKY.
HE WOULD HAVE TO
BE THE STUPIDEST RAT
IN THE WORLD TO FALL FOR THAT.
WE'LL SEE WHEN WE GET BACK.
OOH, SANDWICH.
HEY, HEY, HEY,
HEY, GOOD-LOOKING!
YOU.
[THUD] OHH!
AGENCY'S FINEST HOUR.
LAST QUARTER WE FOUND
JOBS FOR 97% OF OUR CLIENTS.
WHOO-HOO! WHOO!
THE 3% ON WELFARE
ARE DUNVILLE'S.
WHOO.
YOU'RE SAND IN OUR
POCKETS, DUNVILLE.
HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO WELL
IF YOU DON'T EVER GIVE
ME ANY GOOD JOB LEADS?
GOOD QUESTION.
I'LL THINK ABOUT THAT WHILE
THE REST OF US CELEBRATE
AT OUR CHAMPAGNE
BRUNCH. COME ON, WINNERS!
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU GIVE ME A DECENT JOB LEAD,
AND I GUARANTEE I'LL
BE THE ONE TO FILL IT.
Man: DON'T DO IT!
YEAH? YEAH.
YOU THINK YOU'RE READY
TO PLAY WITH THE BIG DOGS?
[BARKING]
ALL RIGHT.
HERE'S YOUR LEAD.
VICE-PRESIDENT OF SALES
FOR WORLD GLOW COSMETICS.
ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.
YOU WON'T REGRET THIS.
YOU'RE RIGHT, I WON'T,
BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T
FILL THIS POSITION
BY 5:00, YOU'RE FIRED.
ACTUALLY, CAN I HAVE UNTIL 5:20?
BECAUSE I CAME IN LATE TODAY.
HEY, BERG.
HEY. THEY HAD ME FILLING
IODINE BOTTLES ALL DAY.
BUT STILL, IT'S BETTER
THAN WHAT THEY HAD
ME EMPTY YESTERDAY.
THAT'S NICE.
WELL, THANKS A LOT
FOR STOPPING BY.
YOU'RE WELCOME. BY
THE WAY, YOU LOOK GREAT.
SO DO YOU.
WELL, IF NO ONE ELSE
IS GOING TO SAY IT, I WILL.
I LOOK FANTASTIC.
UM, BRANDON, THIS IS
BERG, MY BOYFRIEND.
HI. HI.
AND, BERG, THIS IS
BRANDON, MY EX-HUSBAND.
BERG!
OW!
SO, YOU'RE... YOU'RE
THE EX-HUSBAND
SHE NEVER TALKS ABOUT.
IT'S NICE TO FINALLY PUT A FACE
TO THE HOLES IN THE
WEDDING PICTURES.
OKAY, BERG, BEFORE YOU
TWO START GETTING CHUMMY,
JUST REMEMBER, I'VE
SEEN YOU BOTH NAKED.
I SHOULD BE GOING ANYWAY.
BERG, PLEASURE MEETING YOU.
I'M GLAD YOU LIKED IT.
WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
OH, HE JUST WANTED
ME TO SIGN SOME PAPERS.
WE SOLD OUR CABIN.
CABIN? YOU HAD A CABIN?
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL
ME YOU HAD A CABIN?
WELL, I WAS WAITING
FOR THE RIGHT TIME.
BERG, I HAD A CABIN.
YOU PROBABLY HAVE A
LOT OF OTHER QUESTIONS,
SO I GOT TO GO.
WAIT UP. HOLD ON, HOLD ON.
LOOK, YOU ALWAYS
KEEP THINGS FROM ME.
I'D LIKE TO KNOW A LITTLE
MORE ABOUT BRANDON.
WE GOT MARRIED AND
WE BOUGHT A CABIN,
AND WE GOT DIVORCED
AND WE SOLD IT.
I'VE BEEN APPROACHED ABOUT
MAKING IT INTO A MINISERIES.
STARRING ASHLEY WALKER
IN "THE WINDS OF ANNOYANCE."
Hey, Berg.
BERG, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.
IT'S IMPORTANT.
UH, WELL... WHAT'S GOING ON?
ARE WE GOING TO VOTE?
I SAW WHAT HAPPENED
WHEN YOU SPILLED ON ASHLEY.
I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT
WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
OH, NO, LISTEN, DON'T
WORRY ABOUT IT.
SHE'LL COVER IT UP WITH
BLOOD OR SOMETHING.
BERG, IGNORING IT
WON'T MAKE IT GO AWAY.
MAKE WHAT GO AWAY?
YOU CAN TELL ME.
I'M NOT GOING TO
THINK YOU'RE CRAZY.
HOW ABOUT YOU TELL ME,
AND I WON'T THINK YOU'RE CRAZY?
SHE BEATS YOU, DOESN'T SHE?
[LAUGHING]
WHAT?
IT'S OKAY, I'VE BEEN THERE.
SHE BEAT ME, TOO. IT
BROKE UP OUR MARRIAGE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
AT FIRST I WAS ATTRACTED
TO HER ROUGHNESS,
AND THEN IT JUST, UH,
IT GOT OUT OF HAND.
WELL, YOU SEE THIS?
ASHLEY PUSHED ME
DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.
SHE TOLD ME TO TELL
EVERYONE I RAN INTO A DOOR.
WELL, THIS HAS BEEN
NICE. THANK YOU.
UM, I'M SORRY THAT
YOU HAVE TO GO.
YOU'RE NOT READY
TO TALK ABOUT IT.
WHEN YOU ARE, GIVE ME A CALL.
OKAY. DON'T LET THE
DOOR HIT YOU IN THE FACE
ON THE WAY OUT.
HEY. READY FOR LUNCH?
YEAH.
HI, JOHNNY.
HI, EVELYN.
MIND IF WE STOP FOR SOME POISON?
THE GUYS HAVE A RAT
IN THEIR APARTMENT,
AND I CAN'T STAND THE SCREAMING.
WE'RE A CHEMICAL COMPANY.
WE MAKE A TERRIFIC RAT POISON.
YOU DO?
WE DISCOVERED IT BY ACCIDENT.
WE THOUGHT WE WERE
MAKING DOG SHAMPOO.
SHARON, I JUST READ THIS
REPORT YOU TURNED IN.
IT'S THOROUGHLY MISLEADING.
I DON'T THINK THERE'S A
GRAIN OF TRUTH IN THERE.
NICELY DONE.
IT'S NICE TO KNOW THAT
I MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
DID YOU KNOW THAT
THIS WOMAN CAN TAKE
ANY SET OF DAMAGING FACTS
AND TWIST AND MOLD THEM
INTO A WONDERFUL
WEB OF HALF-TRUTHS?
YEAH, THAT WAS HER TALENT
IN THE MISS GEORGIA PAGEANT.
HERE. WE'RE HAVING A
PROBLEM WITH OUR PLANT
IN THE ANTARCTIC.
EVIDENTLY PENGUINS ONLY SURVIVE
AT CERTAIN TEMPERATURES.
DO YOUR MAGIC.
YOU GOT IT, SIR.
SO, UH, WHERE DO YOU
WANT TO GO FOR LUNCH?
I DON'T CARE,
AS LONG AS THEY'RE
NOT WEARING TUXEDOS.
SHARON!
YOU GOT TO GO. HEY, JOHNNY.
WHERE? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I GOT YOU AN INTERVIEW.
Shh. Pete, I work here.
I KNOW WHO YOU GET JOBS FOR.
I DON'T FEEL LIKE
WEARING A HAIRNET.
NO, NO. SHARON,
COME ON, THIS IS LEGIT...
VICE-PRESIDENT OF SALES
FOR WORLD GLOW COSMETICS.
THEY'RE LOOKING FOR
A SMART, EXPERIENCED,
ARTICULATE EXECUTIVE,
AND I CONSIDER YOU
MY ONE AND ONLY
CHOICE FOR THIS JOB.
PETE, THAT IS SO
SWEET, BUT I JUST CAN'T...
COME ON, SHARON, YOU'RE
THE ONLY ONE I KNOW.
I'VE BEEN HERE SO LONG.
I'VE WORKED SO HARD
TO GET WHERE I AM.
IT'S JUST AN
INTERVIEW, 20 MINUTES.
I DON'T HAVE TIME TO PREPARE.
YOU'LL BE GREAT.
JUST DO THAT THING
WHERE YOU LIE.
YOU HATE THIS JOB. IT
MAKES YOU FEEL TERRIBLE.
AND BESIDES, I'M STARTING
TO FALL FOR EVELYN.
BE SWEET TO ME!
OH, HEY, BABY, YOU ARE
NOT GOING TO BELIEVE
THE CRAZY
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD.
ONE SECOND.
WHAT'S UP?
OH, GOD. THIS STUPID
MACHINE TOOK MY CHANGE.
OH, I HAVE CHANGE.
KEEP IT.
SOMETIMES A GOOD BEATING
IS ALL IT UNDERSTANDS.
OKAY, SWEETIE, WHAT IS
IT YOU WANTED TO TELL ME?
THURSDAY'S TETRAZZINI
DAY IN THE CAFETERIA.
PETE.
SHARON, HOW'D IT GO?
WELL, I'M AFRAID NOT TOO WELL.
OH.
FOR THE OTHER
PEOPLE! I NAILED IT!
OH, YES, YES! THANK GOD.
ARE YOU SURE THEY LIKED YOU?
THERE WERE SO MANY
SMILES, I THOUGHT I WAS
IN A PRODUCTION
OF "UP WITH SHARON."
THANK YOU, SHARON. YOU SAVED ME.
NO, YOU SAVED ME.
I COULD HAVE BEEN
STUCK IN THAT JOB
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
HOW IS IT THAT
YOU ALWAYS GIVE ME
THE STRENGTH TO DO
WHAT I'M AFRAID TO DO?
'CAUSE YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND.
[LAUGHS]
AND I WAS DESPERATE
TO KEEP MY JOB.
CALL ME WHEN YOU HEAR.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
AHEM.
AHEM.
WELL, HEY.
HEY, WHAT'S THIS NEXT
TO PETE DUNVILLE'S NAME?
WELL, WAIT A MINUTE.
IT LOOKS LIKE A HEAD.
SO, MAKING PROGRESS ON
THE WORLD GLOW ACCOUNT?
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I AM.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU'RE NOT.
I JUST SPOKE WITH THEM.
THEY HATED THE
WOMAN YOU SUBMITTED.
WHAT? SHE SAID
THEY SMILED AT HER.
I SMILE AT YOU.
WHAT'S THAT WORTH?
SHE DIDN'T HAVE
PROPER TIME TO PREPARE.
MAYBE IF I WENT DOWN
THERE AND TALKED TO THEM.
IT'S THE NATURE
OF JOB PLACEMENT.
SOMETIMES THINGS
JUST DON'T WORK OUT.
FOR EXAMPLE, YOU.
YOU'RE FIRED.
WAIT. YOU SAID I HAD
UNTIL THE END OF THE DAY.
OH, I'M SORRY. YOU'RE RIGHT.
COME BACK IN TWO HOURS,
AND I'LL FIRE YOU THEN.
SHIRLEY, WRITE THAT DOWN...
5:00 MEETING WITH THE BOSS.
THANK YOU FOR SEEING
ME ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE.
I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU
ABOUT THE BIGGEST MISTAKE
YOU ALMOST MADE.
["AMERICA THE
BEAUTIFUL" PLAYING]
SHARON CARTER STARTED
OUT IN A SMALL TOWN
CALLED HOPE.
HEY, BERG, CAREFUL GOING
INTO YOUR APARTMENT.
I JUST FED YOUR RAT SOME POISON.
DID IT HAVE AN EFFECT?
YEAH. HE'S GOT A
NICE, SHINY COAT,
AND HE'S MAD AS HELL.
WHOA. SO I CAN'T
GO IN MY APARTMENT?
OF COURSE YOU CAN.
JUST DON'T FALL ASLEEP.
HEY, JOHNNY, LISTEN,
HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION.
LET'S SAY THIS GUY
IS DATING THIS GIRL.
NO, NO, IT'S A
GIRL DATING A GUY.
AND HIS EX-HUSBAND TELLS HIM...
I MEAN, SHE TELLS
HER... IT SHOULD BE A HE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? SCREW IT.
ASHLEY'S EX-HUSBAND
TOLD ME SHE BEAT HIM.
YOU BELIEVE HIM?
SHE NEVER TALKS ABOUT HIM.
WHAT IF THERE'S A SIDE
TO HER I DON'T KNOW?
WHAT IF ASHLEY'S
NOT JUST THE COLD,
MEAN-SPIRITED GIRL
I FELL IN LOVE WITH?
LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE...
A LOT OF GUYS WOULD PAY
TO HAVE A PRETTY GIRL HIT THEM.
HEADS UP.
HI. HI. YOU'RE IN A GOOD MOOD.
IT'S A GREAT DAY. I'M
GOING TO KILL A RAT.
DON'T BOTHER. I JUST
TRIED TO POISON IT.
POISON? POISON'S FOR CATS.
NO, I'M KIDDING.
I TOLD YOU I WAS
IN A GREAT MOOD.
NO, I HAVE GOT THE BEST
WAY TO CATCH A RAT. GOTCHA!
HA HA HA!
THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A FLAT RAT
TO SEND A MESSAGE
TO HIS BUDDIES,
RIGHT, BERG?
I'LL SEE YA.
YOU WANT TO SLEEP
AT OUR PLACE TONIGHT?
AND SINCE SHARON
CARTER TOOK THE BATON
OF PUBLIC RELATIONS,
IMMACULATE CHEMICALS'
APPROVAL RATING
HAS GONE UP A WHOPPING 46%.
A WHOPPING 46%
AND THAT'S DESPITE
ADDING EIGHT DIFFERENT FISH
TO THE ENDANGERED SPECIES LIST.
AND IN CLOSING,
I SAY TO YOU HERE,
NOW, LADIES, GENTLEMEN,
SAYING NO TO SHARON
CARTER IS SAYING NO...
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
TO AMERICA.
IMPRESSIVE, MR. DUNVILLE.
VERY IMPRESSIVE.
THANK YOU.
SHARON CARTER COOKIE?
[Urgently] Don't
turn on the lights.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Shh. Lower your voice.
OOPS.
GREAT, BERG.
NOW YOU SCARED THE RAT.
WE MAY NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN.
DAMN.
NOW WHO'S GOING TO NIBBLE
ME IN THE PLACES THAT COUNT?
LOOK, THERE'S SOME THINGS
THAT I NEED TO KNOW
ABOUT BRANDON.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT HIM.
ASHLEY, WHY DID
YOU TWO BREAK UP?
FOR A LOT OF REASONS.
LIKE WHAT? DID HE CHEAT ON YOU?
DID HE HAVE A GAMBLING PROBLEM?
DID HE CHEAT AT GAMBLING?
THIS IS EMBARRASSING
FOR ME, OKAY?
WELL, THAT MAKES IT
ALL THE MORE INTERESTING FOR ME.
LOOK, BERG,
I LEFT BRANDON BECAUSE DEEP DOWN
I KNEW THAT THERE WAS
SOMEBODY BETTER
FOR ME OUT THERE,
AND I THINK I MAY
HAVE FOUND HIM.
I'M AN IDIOT. COME HERE, BABY.
DIE!
I SAW THE RAT.
YOU ALMOST TOOK MY HEAD OFF!
I WASN'T THINKING.
SOMETIMES I JUST REACT.
LIKE THE TIME YOU PUSHED
BRANDON DOWN THE STAIRS.
WHAT?
THE SCAR ON HIS FOREHEAD?
HE RAN INTO A DOOR.
HE SAID YOU'D SAY THAT.
WAIT. YOU'VE BEEN
TALKING TO BRANDON?
HE TOLD ME EVERYTHING. I
KNOW YOU USED TO BEAT HIM.
OH. OKAY, THAT'S IT.
I'VE HAD IT WITH HIM.
HE JUST WANTS TO HELP.
NO, HE'S DEAD.
BRANDON, IT'S BERG.
IF YOU'RE HOME, GET
OUT OF THE HOUSE.
WHAT'D YOU HAVE FOR LUNCH?
UH, TUNA.
WOW.
GREAT CHOICE.
THANKS.
HEY, WHERE'D YOU GO?
RESEARCH. I WENT SHOPPING
TO GET TO KNOW THE
WORLD GLOW PRODUCTS.
YOU ARE EXCITED ABOUT THIS.
LIKE THE GOVERNOR JUST CALLED
AND SAID I COULD GO SELL MAKEUP.
DID PETE CALL? YES.
HE SAID HE'D CALL BACK.
DID HE SOUND HAPPY
OR SAD? HAPPY.
HAPPY! HE SOUNDED HAPPY!
SHARON, THIS WHOLE PENGUIN THING
IS BLOWING UP IN OUR FACE.
WHERE'S THAT REPORT?
I CAN'T DO IT, SIR.
TELL THE WORLD ABOUT
PENGUIN OVERPOPULATION,
KILLER PENGUINS, WHATEVER
MAKES THEM LOOK BAD.
WHAT I MEAN IS I WON'T.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I HATE THIS COMPANY,
I HATE THIS JOB,
AND I HATE MYSELF FOR DOING IT.
SHARON... AND I'M
SURE I AM NOT ALONE.
WHO HERE FEELS LOUSY
ABOUT THEMSELVES
WHEN THEY DRIVE HOME
FROM WORK EACH DAY? HUH?
HELEN?
WHO HERE FEELS GUILTY WHEN
THEY WATCH THE LEAVES FALL?
WHO HERE HAS NIGHTMARES
ABOUT WOODSY OWL
AND THE CRYING INDIAN?
AND YOU SHOULD BECAUSE
YOU'RE GOOD PEOPLE,
AND YOU'RE STUCK
IN A BAD, BAD JOB.
SHARON, ENOUGH!
NO. PEOPLE, THERE ARE
OTHER JOBS OUT THERE,
JOBS THAT YOU CAN BE PROUD OF,
JOBS THAT HELP.
THERE ARE. I'VE SEEN THEM.
COME ON, WHO'S COMING WITH ME?
COME ON, WHO?
I AM.
GET BACK TO WORK!
WHO ELSE? I AM.
YES! ME, TOO.
SHARON...
OH, UH, EXCUSE
ME. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
I REALIZE I DON'T HAVE A
PLACE TO TAKE ANY OF YOU,
BUT THANK YOU SO
MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT.
BRANDON!
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
TELL HIM YOU'RE JUST
MESSING WITH HIM.
TELL HIM I NEVER BEAT YOU.
SHE NEVER BEAT ME.
TELL HIM LIKE YOU'RE NOT SCARED.
DON'T HURT ME.
BERG, YOU SEE, HE'S
JUST MESSING WITH YOU.
OH, COME ON! WHO ARE
YOU GOING TO BELIEVE,
ME OR SOMEBODY YOU JUST MET?
WELL... YOU SEE? YOU...
YOU'RE TURNING MY BOYFRIEND
INTO A PARANOID WRECK.
YEAH, BUT, YOU KNOW,
I DIDN'T THINK IT'D BE SO EASY.
WHAT?
YOU'RE JUST MESSING WITH ME?
WHAT, YOU'RE JUST GETTING IT?
WELL, YOU KNOW,
I'D BETTER GET HOME.
YOU KIDS HAVE A
LOT TO FIGHT ABOUT.
I KNEW.
I WAS PLAYING ALONG, OKAY?
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT HE THOUGHT
THAT I THOUGHT THAT...
YOU GOT TO ADMIT, HE
WAS PRETTY CONVINCING.
BERG, HOW COULD YOU
THINK THAT ABOUT ME?
BECAUSE I HEARD IT
FROM YOUR EX-HUSBAND,
AND YOU NEVER TELL
ME ANYTHING, ASHLEY.
I TOLD YOU. NO, YOU DIDN'T.
YOU GLOSSED OVER IT
WITH ALL THE
EMOTIONAL, MUSHY CRAP.
I'M GOING TO NEED
SOME COLD, HARD FACTS.
OKAY, WHAT IF I TOLD
YOU THAT BRANDON
PULLS STUNTS LIKE
THAT ALL THE TIME?
WHAT IF I TOLD YOU
THAT HE GAVE ME
HIS GRANDMOTHER'S
ENGAGEMENT RING,
AND HE NEVER TOLD
HER THAT HE TOOK IT?
OR THAT ON OUR WEDDING DAY,
HE TOLD HIS PARENTS
THAT I WAS REALLY A MAN?
AND WHAT IF I TOLD YOU
THAT AFTER ALL OF THAT,
I STILL SAID "I DO"?
WHAT WOULD YOU THINK OF ME THEN?
NOT MUCH.
WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR
YOU. GIVE US THE NEWS.
YOU DIDN'T GET THE JOB.
THAT'S NOT THE NEWS.
I'M SO SORRY, SHARON.
I TRIED MY HARDEST. I
MEAN IT, I REALLY DID.
I REALLY WANTED YOU TO GET IT.
LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE...
YOU HAVE YOUR OLD JOB.
I QUIT TODAY.
DON'T WORRY, PETE WILL FIND
YOU SOMETHING EVEN BETTER.
ACTUALLY, I CAN'T. I DON'T
WORK THERE ANYMORE.
THEY FIRED YOU BECAUSE OF ME?
I FEEL AWFUL.
NO, NO, NO, DON'T FEEL AWFUL.
I KIND OF ALREADY
HAVE A NEW JOB.
REALLY? WHERE?
[Mumbles]
VICE-PRESIDENT OF SALES,
WORLD GLOW COSMETICS.
EXCUSE ME?
VICE-PRESIDENT OF SALES,
WORLD GLOW COSMETICS.
YOU TOOK MY JOB?
I WENT DOWN THERE TO
ARGUE ON YOUR BEHALF,
AND THEY WERE SO IMPRESSED,
THEY GAVE ME THE JOB.
YOU TOOK MY JOB.
YEAH, BUT ONLY
BECAUSE YOU BLEW IT.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
EVELYN SAID YOU SOUNDED
HAPPY ON THE PHONE.
I WAS. I JUST GOT A JOB.
IF YOU WERE A TRUE FRIEND,
YOU NEVER WOULD
HAVE ACCEPTED IT.
THEY WEREN'T GOING TO HIRE YOU.
NOT AFTER YOU SABOTAGED ME.
PETE WOULD NEVER...
PICK YOUR SIDES VERY CAREFULLY.
MAN, YOU THINK YOU KNOW A GUY!
OH...
COME ON, SHARON,
YOU'LL FIND A NEW JOB.
OH, I DON'T DOUBT THAT.
BUT IT'S GOING TO BE A HASSLE
FINDING A NEW BEST FRIEND.
ANYWAY, CONGRATULATIONS.
NEVER. THE RAT HAS GOTTENST
CALL SMARTER, AND SO MUST I.TOR?
LOOK, WHEN THE
SANDWICH IS DISTURBED,
IT PULLS THIS STRING,
REVEALING THE MIRROR.
THE RAT WILL
APPROACH THE MIRROR,
BELIEVING IT HAS FOUND A MATE.
WHEN HE TOUCHES THE MIRROR,
THAT 20-POUND BAG
OF FLOUR IS RELEASED,
AND WHAM! OFF TO THE
BIG SEWER IN THE SKY.
HE WOULD HAVE TO
BE THE STUPIDEST RAT
IN THE WORLD TO FALL FOR THAT.
WE'LL SEE WHEN WE GET BACK.
OOH, SANDWICH.
HEY, HEY, HEY,
HEY, GOOD-LOOKING!
YOU.
[THUD] OHH!