Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 3, Episode 23 - The Undercard - full transcript

CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY 20th
CENTURY FOX TELEVISION

MARTI?

DWEEB?

YOU TWO KNOW EACH OTHER?

YOU KNEW I LIKED HER, AND
YOU WENT AFTER HER ANYWAY!

YOU KNOW WHAT
YOUR PROBLEM IS, PETE?

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT,
BUT YOU'RE NEVER GONNA GET IT.

I'D LIKE A NEW ROOMMATE.

YOU'RE TOO BUSY SAVING THE WORLD

TO HAVE ANY TIME FOR ME.



FACE IT, SHARON, WE
ARE DRIFTING APART!

FRANKLY, I DON'T LIKE IT.

I DON'T LIKE WAITING
UP TO YELL AT YOU,

AND THEN HAVING YOU
YELL AT ME, FRANKLY.

SO, YOU STILL WANT TO MARRY ME?

YOU STILL WANT TO MARRY ME?

DO YOU WANT TO TAKE
CARE OF THIS ELECTRIC BILL?

DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE
CARE OF THIS ELECTRIC BILL?

LOOK... I KNOW WE'VE
BEEN FIGHTING A LOT LATELY,

BUT IT HAPPENS TO EVERY
COUPLE RIGHT BEFORE A WEDDING.

SO IT'S JUST COLD FEET.

WHAT IF IT ISN'T?

WHAT IF IT'S OUR GUT INSTINCT

TELLING US THAT WE'RE
NOT RIGHT FOR EACH OTHER?



I'M SURE IT'S FEET.

BUT IT COULD BE GUT.

LISTEN, WE'VE GOT A LOT OF
WEDDING STUFF TO DO TODAY,

SO FOR THE SAKE OF
GETTING THINGS DONE,

LET'S JUST SAY IT'S FEET.

OKAY.

BUT IT COULD BE GUT.

COULD BE STRESS.

WE'RE UNDER A LOT
OF PRESSURE LATELY.

I MEAN, I'M WAITIN' TO SEE

IF MY LIFE IS GONNA
TURN OUT TERRIFIC,

AND YOU'RE WAITIN' TO SEE

IF YOUR LIFE IS
STILL GONNA SUCK!

ARE WE TALKING ABOUT
THE ACADEMIC PROBATION

OR THE FACT THAT YOU
SPIT WHEN YOU TALK?

NO, NO, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
THE ACADEMIC PROBATION,

BUT YOU PROBABLY DON'T
WANT TO BE REMINDED

ABOUT THE ACADEMIC PROBATION,

AND I KEEP TALKING ABOUT
ACADEMIC PROBATION!

I MEAN, I'VE SAID, "ACADEMIC
PROBATION" FOUR TIMES ALREADY!

OH. I'M SORRY. DID I
COME AT A BAD TIME?

SORT OF.

WE'RE TALKIN' ABOUT...
ACADEMIC PROBATION!!

WE ONLY STAY
TOGETHER FOR THE KIDS.

GOD, BERG, I'M SORRY.

EVEN FOR PETE,
THAT'S INSENSITIVE.

I DID GO OUT WITH HIS GIRL,

EVEN THOUGH HE WON'T ADMIT
TO LIKING HER BECAUSE HE'S...

GUTLESS! DOOFUS!

LOSER!

ACADEMIC PROBATION!

I CAN'T WIN WHEN HE HAS THAT.

THOUGH, I SWEAR,
THIS TIME NEXT WEEK,

WHEN I'M OFF
PROBATION, HE'S DEAD.

OH, GOD. I THOUGHT YOU KNEW.

THEY POSTED THE NEW SHIFT
ASSIGNMENTS AT THE HOSPITAL.

THEY DENIED YOUR REQUEST
TO BE TAKEN OFF OF PROBATION.

WHAT?

WHAT THE HELL AM
I SUPPOSED TO DO?

I KNOW I SCREWED UP.

AREN'T THEY EVER GONNA
GIVE ME A SECOND CHANCE?

I'M REALLY SORRY.

YEAH, RIGHT. YOU LOVE IT.

WHAT?! YOU CANNOT TELL
ME YOU'RE NOT ENJOYING THIS.

I'M THE HUGE LOSER,
AND YOU'RE THE HOTSHOT,

NEVER-ALMOST-KILLED-SOMEBODY
DOCTOR'S PET.

THAT'S NOT FAIR.

YOU RACED OVER HERE
TO RUB IT IN MY FACE.

OH, BERG, I THOUGHT YOU KNEW.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

I CAME TO TELL YOU I THINK
THE HOSPITAL'S WRONG,

BUT IF YOU THINK I'M GONNA
STAY HERE AND LISTEN TO THIS,

THEN YOU REALLY ARE A LOSER!

YOU'RE THE LOSER!

Pete: ACADEMIC PROBATION!

NOT YOU!

I CAN'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING
WE GOT DONE TODAY.

ALL WE HAVE LEFT TO DO
IS... SHOW UP AT THE CHURCH.

YEAH.

BUT WE HAD FUN, THOUGH, RIGHT?

YEAH, I HAD A GREAT TIME.

YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF WE REALLY DIDN'T
WANT TO GET MARRIED,

TODAY WOULD'VE BEEN TORTURE.

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT WOULD HAVE.

I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK I JUST LET THE
FEAR GET THE BEST OF ME.

MY FEET HAVE SPOKEN.

HELLO.

HELLO. HI.

SO, I UNDERSTAND

YOU WOULD LIKE TO OPEN
A JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT.

GREAT. HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE THOSE CHECKS TO READ?

MR. AND MRS. JONATHAN DONNELLY.

NO, NO, BABY.

THEY SHOULD READ JONATHAN
AND SHARON DONNELLY.

I'M NOT SO SURE.

IT'S OKAY, HONEY. I AM.

I LIKE IT.

I THINK IT WOULD LOOK GREAT
ON OUR BALLERINA COLLECTION.

OOH, LOOK. THEY'RE SO PRETTY.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GIVE THAT

TO THE GUY AT THE
HARDWARE STORE?

JUST TELL HIM THE
BALLERINAS ARE STRIPPERS.

OKAY.

BEFORE YOU MOVE TO AVOID
ME, I'M COMING RIGHT BACK,

AND I'M EATING IN THAT CHAIR.

THIS PLACE IS
GETTIN' ON MY NERVES.

OH. HI, PETE.

HEY, IRENE.

OH, FRET NOT, SWEET PRINCE.

THE LETTER CARRIER WILL
ARRIVE IN DUE COURSE.

THOU ART ANNOYING ME.

HEY, I'M IN CHARACTER.

MY THEATER GROUP IS
PUTTING ON A PRODUCTION,

AND I'M PLAYING RAPUNZEL.

ACTING GIVES ME A CHANCE
TO WORK OUT MY DEMONS.

SO WOULD AN EXORCISM.

HEY, STILL NO WORD ON YOUR
FIREMAN'S SLEEPOVER CAMP?

IRENE. IRENE, IT'S
BOOT CAMP, OKAY?!

IT'S THE LAST STEP

WHERE THEY SEPARATE THE
FIREMEN FROM THE WANNABES.

IT'S THREE MONTHS OF
TORTURE AND HUMILIATION

AND CONSTANT
PHYSICAL EXHAUSTION.

BUT YOU GET TO
SLEEP OVER, RIGHT?

IRENE... HAVE YOU
EVER BEEN SO CLOSE

TO SOMETHING THAT YOU
REALLY, REALLY WANTED,

BUT YOU WEREN'T SURE IF
YOU WERE EVER GONNA GET IT?

YES.

ALL RIGHT.

OH, HEY, UH, CAN I SEE MY MAIL?

IT'S NOT YOURS UNTIL
I PUT IT IN YOUR BOX.

HEY, IRENE, YOU LOOK
RAVISHING TODAY...

LIKE A FLOWER IN SPRINGTIME.

ROGER, I TOLD YOU, I ONLY
LIKE YOU AS A POSTAL CARRIER.

HEY, COULD YOU GO ANY SLOWER?

SURE.

ALL RIGHT, HURRY IT
UP, YOU LETTER MONKEY.

DON'T THREATEN ME, MAN.
I GOT A LOT OF STUFF HERE.

YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO WAIT
FOR YOUR LITTLE PIECE OF PORN.

ROGER, MAYBE YOU COULD
GIVE PETE HIS MAIL, HUH?

FOR ME?

WELL, OKAY, BUT ONLY FOR YOU.

I HOPE YOU GET JURY DUTY.

I HOPE YOU'RE ON TRIAL.

IT'S NOT HERE.

ARE YOU SURE?

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!
ANOTHER 24 HOURS OF TORTURE!

THIS IS GONNA KILL ME!

AND THEY SAY THERE'S
NEVER ANY GOOD NEWS.

OKAY, LET'S SET YOUR PIN NUMBER.

LET'S GO WITH MY BIRTHDAY.

NO, BABY, IT'S TOO
HARD TO REMEMBER.

IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE.

YOU KNOW, LET'S
JUST GO WITH MINE.

624.

GREAT.

NOW, BEFORE YOU
SIGN, I HAVE TO EXPLAIN

THAT BY OPENING A
JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT,

YOU ARE SEEN AS A SINGLE
ENTITY IN THE EYES OF THE LAW,

BOUND TOGETHER IN
FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY,

IN ASSETS, AND IN DEBT

UNTIL YOU EITHER CLOSE
THE ACCOUNT OR DIE.

I DO.

SIGN RIGHT HERE.

JOHNNY, YOUR HAND'S SHAKING.

NO, IT'S NOT. QUIT
MOVIN' THE PAPER.

UM... AND YOU'RE SWEATING.

NO, I AM NOT.

WHERE DO I SIGN?

RIGHT NEXT TO THE... PUDDLE
UNDERNEATH YOUR HAND.

OH. BERG'S NOT HERE.

UH, I'M NOT HERE TO SEE
BERG. I'M HERE TO SEE YOU.

DID YOU THINK OF AN INSULT
AND HAD TO RUSH RIGHT OVER?

NO.

NO, ACTUALLY, I'M
HERE TO CELEBRATE.

I GOT MY LETTER.
I'M IN BOOT CAMP.

YOU'RE IN? YOU GOT YOUR LETTER?

YEAH. YEAH, THANKS TO YOU.

YOU WERE MY INSPIRATION.

MY DRIVE TO CRUSH YOU
HELPED PUSH ME OVER THE TOP.

YOU GOT YOUR LETTER, HUH?

HEY!

GOOD FOR YOU! GOOD
FOR THE POST OFFICE!

OKAY. WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

ARE YOU BENT OUT OF
SHAPE BECAUSE I GOT IN?

OH, PETE, I-I'M SORRY.
YOU DIDN'T GET IN?

I DIDN'T? WHAT DID YOU HEAR?

NO, I JUST ASSUMED...

ASSUMED WHAT? THAT I FAILED?

I JUST DIDN'T GET MY
LETTER, THAT'S ALL.

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO
ASSUME THE WORST?

THAT'S YOU! I
ASSUMED YOU PASSED.

LOOK, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

YOU'LL GET YOUR LETTER TOMORROW,
AND WE'LL CELEBRATE FOR YOU.

BUT TONIGHT, LET'S
CELEBRATE MARTI!

CELEBRATE? CEL...

PERHAPS YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME.

I DID NOT GET MY LETTER.

I HEARD YOU, BUZZ KILL!

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

MARTI, WAIT!

I JUST SPOKE WITH ROGER! HE
TRACKED DOWN YOUR LETTER,

AND HE PROMISED TO BRING
IT BY TONIGHT AFTER WORK.

NO, CALL HIM NOW!

GET IT NOW!

ROGER'S THE KIND OF GUY WHO'LL
HOLD A FAVOR OVER MY HEAD.

I MEAN, IF I SCRATCH
ROGER'S BACK,

WHO SCRATCHES MINE?

FINE.

A MOVIE, AN EMPTY
SEAT BETWEEN US,

AND IF ANYONE ASKS,
I DON'T KNOW YOU.

OH, PETEY, WE'RE HAVING A DATE!

HEY, MOM.

MICHAEL!

WHAT A NICE SURPRISE.

HOW'S MY FAVORITE SON?

YOUR BROTHER
ISN'T WITH YOU, IS HE?

NO.

SO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HERE? WHAT'S WRONG?

NOTHING. NOTHING.

CAN'T A GUY TAKE A BREAK

FROM STUDYING MICROBIOLOGY
AND ADVANCED ENDOCRINOLOGY

TO COME HOME... TO PLAY
WITH HIS HOT WHEELS?

HONEY, I SOLD
THOSE AT A YARD SALE

FOR 5 CENTS APIECE.

WELL, THAT'S OKAY.

THE MAIN THING IS THAT YOU
MADE MONEY OFF MY MEMORIES.

WHERE'S, UH... WHERE'S DAD?

WELL, PHYSICALLY, HE'S
LIVING IN A SEEDY MOTEL.

SPIRITUALLY, HE'S
BURNING IN HELL.

SEE, I THOUGHT HE
MIGHT STILL BE AT WORK.

YOUR FATHER HAD AN
AFFAIR, AND I KICKED HIM OUT.

WHAT?

WHY DON'T YOU THROW ANOTHER
ONE OF HIS SUITS ON THE FIRE,

AND I'LL MAKE YOU A SANDWICH.

I CANNOT BELIEVE
THAT DAD HAD AN AFFAIR.

I KNOW.

I MEAN, LOOK AT ME.

ARE YOU... ARE YOU OKAY?

I'M A SURVIVOR. I'LL HEAL.

HEY, COME HERE.

I LOVE YOU.

SO, WHO WAS SHE?
DID YOU KNOW HER?

NO, JUST SOME TRAMPY
LITTLE SLUT FROM WHORETOWN.

GOD, THOSE GIRLS ARE SO EASY.

NOT THAT I'D KNOW.

LISTEN, I AM... I AM
SO SORRY, MOM.

MAYBE HE'LL COME TO
HIS SENSES AND LEAVE HER.

OH, HE ALREADY LEFT HER.

IT WAS A ONE-NIGHT STAND.

HE KEEPS CALLING,
WANTING TO COME BACK.

IS IT COLD IN HERE?

I THINK I'LL THROW ON A SWEATER.

YOU MEAN IT ONLY HAPPENED ONCE?

ONLY ONCE?

NO, NO. NO, NO, NO, NO.

IT IS A TERRIBLE,
TERRIBLE THING HE DID.

I'M JUST SAYIN' WE'VE
ALL MADE MISTAKES.

WE'VE ALL DONE SOMETHIN' THAT
WE WISH WE COULD TAKE BACK.

DON'T YOU THINK WE
DESERVE A SECOND CHANCE?

NO.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE SOMETIMES
YOU SCREW UP SO BAD,

YOU DON'T DESERVE
A SECOND CHANCE.

SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE
TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY

AND MOVE ON.

MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'M GONNA TAKE MY BIKE
AROUND THE BLOCK FOR A RIDE.

OH. OH, HONEY, HERE. HERE.

YOU'RE GONNA NEED THIS.

WHAT'S THIS?

CAB FARE. I SOLD YOUR BIKE.

COME ON.

WHERE IS THAT STUPID MAIL...

ESCORT I ORDERED?

IS THAT MY LETTER?

NOT SO FAST.

YOU CAN HAVE THE LETTER
OR YOU CAN HAVE MY WOMAN,

BUT YOU CAN'T HAVE BOTH.

"SOPHIE'S CHOICE."

LOOK, ROGER... I'LL
TELL YOU WHAT...

YOU GIVE ME THAT
LETTER, AND I'LL STEP ASIDE.

SUCKER.

HUH. SUCKER.

WELL, COME ON. OPEN IT! OPEN IT!

I CAN'T. YOU DO IT. YOU DO IT.

OKAY.

WHAT? WHAT?

PETE DONVILLE, THIS IS THE
HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE!

YOU'RE IN!

I'M IN!

IRENE, I'M SO HAPPY I COULD...

TAKE ME RIGHT
HERE ON THIS STOOP!

HOW ABOUT A HIGH-FIVE?!

OKAY!

ALL RIGHT!

OKAY!

WE MUST CELEBRATE!

YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT!

GOOD IDEA!

YOU GET CHAMPAGNE,
I'LL BAKE A CAKE!

♪ WELL, WHY WAS I BORN? ♪

♪ AND WHY AM I LIVING... ♪

MY BEST FRIEND AND I...
WE'RE NOT EVEN TALKING.

THE HOSPITAL WON'T
LET ME BE A DOCTOR.

MY MOM KICKED MY DAD OUT.

AND MY HAIR HASN'T
COOPERATED IN WEEKS.

IT'S BEEN HELL.

YEAH.

I GOT MY FOOT
BLOWN OFF IN THE WAR.

SO YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.

I'LL HAVE ANOTHER.

HELLO, BERG.

OH, GREAT.

HOW'D YOU FIND ME?

WELL, YOUR MOTHER TOLD
ME YOU MIGHT BE AT THIS BAR.

HAD I KNOWN IT WAS THIS SPECIAL,

I MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN A GOLD
TOOTH AND A SOCIAL DISEASE.

COME ON. LET'S GET YOU HOME.

NO. NO, I'M NOT
GOING BACK THERE.

IN FACT, I'M...

I'M THINKING ABOUT
QUITTING MEDICAL SCHOOL.

OH. YEAH, THAT'S PERFECT.

SO WE CAN ADD
"QUITTER" TO THE LIST

WITH "WHINY, SELF-CENTERED,
SELF-PITYING, AND BARFLY."

EXCUSE ME.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO
DANCE WITH MY SISTER?

OKAY, PLEASE, GO AHEAD AND QUIT.

PUT US ALL OUT OF OUR
MISERY, BUT BEFORE YOU DO,

WHY DON'T YOU SIGN THIS?

WHAT'S THIS?

IT IS A PETITION TO GET
YOU OFF OF PROBATION.

ALL OF THE INTERNS SIGNED IT
AND A MAJORITY OF THE DOCTORS.

PRETTY MUCH EVERYBODY BUT ME.

YOU... YOU DID THIS FOR ME?

AFTER THE WAY I TREATED
YOU THIS MORNING,

YOU'D STILL DO THIS FOR ME?

WELL, IT MAY NOT
HELP, BUT IT'S A START.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

I, UH...

FINALLY, MAYBE MY
LUCK WILL CHANGE.

TO A CHANGE OF LUCK.

YEAH.

YEAH. I'M GONNA
GIVE IT ANOTHER WEEK.

PETE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WELL, I HAVEN'T BEEN
INSULTED IN A FEW HOURS,

AND, UH, I NEEDED A FIX.

CAN I COME IN?

YEAH.

MY LANDLORD DOESN'T ALLOW
ME TO HAVE TRASH IN THE HALLWAY.

THERE'S MY FIX.

HEY... NICE FLOWERS.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WELL, I CAME HERE TO TELL
YOU THAT I PASSED MY EXAM,

AND I WANTED TO GIVE
YOU EQUAL OPPORTUNITY

TO RAIN ON MY PARADE.

I'M NOT GONNA CRAP ALL
OVER YOUR HAPPINESS.

THAT'S ANOTHER
WAY OF PUTTING IT.

I'M HAPPY FOR YOU, PETE.

AND I'D STILL BE HAPPY FOR
YOU EVEN IF I DIDN'T GET IN.

SO, WHAT, YOU'RE A
BIGGER MAN THAN I AM?

NO.

WHY DID YOU COME HERE ANYWAY?

TO TE... I TOLD
YOU... TO TELL YOU...

WHY DID I COME HERE?

I KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE.

OH, YEAH, WHY?

YOU DIG ME.

YOU'RE CRAZY.

I MUST BE.

I'M ATTRACTED TO THE BIGGEST

NEUROTIC WHACKJOB ON THE PLANET.

YEAH?

YOU THINK YOU HAVE IT BAD?

I'M ATTRACTED TO YOU.

SO, YOU ARE INTO ME.

YOU'RE INTO ME.

I'M NOT PROUD OF IT.

NEITHER AM I.

SO WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

OH, THAT'S ORIGINAL.

YOU KNOW, FOR ONCE... ONCE...

YOU'RE EVEN A LOUSY KISSER.

YOU SHOULD TALK, PENCIL LIPS.

♪ AND WHY WAS I BORN? ♪

♪ I DO LOVE YOU ♪

HI, HONEY. YOU
FEELIN' ANY BETTER?

YEAH, A LITTLE.

WELL, I GOT SOMETHIN' THAT'S
REALLY GONNA CHEER YOU UP.

YOU READY?

OUR SAMPLE CHECK...
I GOT IT FRAMED!

WOW. WHAT A LOVELY
REMINDER OF OUR DAY.

HONEY, YOU'RE SWEATING AGAIN.

I'M NOT SWEATING.

YES, YOU ARE. WHAT IS IT?!

NOTHING.

YOU'RE AFRAID TO SHARE
YOUR MONEY WITH ME.

NO, I AM NOT.

THIS HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH MONEY.

YOU SEE THIS CHECK,

AND YOU SEE ME SPENDING
YOUR ENTIRE LIFE SAVINGS.

NO, I SEE THIS CHECK,

AND I SEE ARTSY STUFF AND
MY NAME IN CURLY LETTERS

AND JUST A WHOLE BUNCH OF
STUFF I NEVER PUT ON A CHECK!

THESE ARE THE CHECKS
THAT WE AGREED UPON.

NO, THESE ARE THE CHECKS
THAT YOU AGREED UPON.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHY I WAS THERE.

THE ONLY THING JOINT ABOUT
THIS ACCOUNT IS THE ADDRESS.

WE'LL JUST CHANGE IT TO
MR. AND MRS. JONATHAN DONNELLY

LIKE YOU WANTED.

I'M NOT SO SURE ANYMORE.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

I'M SAYING SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE

I DON'T EXIST IN
THIS RELATIONSHIP.

OF COURSE YOU EXIST.

IF YOU DIDN'T EXIST,

YOU WOULDN'T BE GIVING ME
SUCH A HEADACHE RIGHT NOW.

JOHNNY, IT'S JUST COLD FEET.

I THINK IT'S MY GUT.

I'M SURE IT'S FEET.

IT'S MY GUT.

FEET.

GUT!

FEET! GUT!

YOU DON'T LISTEN TO ME!

JUST BECAUSE YOU SAY SOMETHIN'

DOESN'T MAKE IT SO!

SINCE WHEN?! THE SYSTEM WORKED!

THIS IS THE WAY I FEEL.

I'M SORRY. I DON'T...

I DON'T THINK THIS
IS GONNA WORK OUT.

I'LL BE AT MY SISTER'S.

CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY 20th
CENTURY FOX TELEVISION