Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 3, Episode 2 - Au Revoir Pizza Place - full transcript

YOU THINK YOU SAW
LOVE IN SHARON'S EYES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I SAW? PAIN.

PAIN BECAUSE OF ME.

I'LL LET YOU KNOW
WHERE I END UP.

SHARON, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

YES.

IN THEORY.

IN THEORY? WHAT THE
HELL DOES THAT MEAN?

IT IS WHAT IT IS.

BUT IT'S A YES, RIGHT?

YES, IN THEORY.



I HEARD YES! OH.

I'M COMING!

I'M COMING.

WHY DID PETE GO TO PARIS?

FOR THE SNAILS.

HE LEFT BECAUSE
OF ME, DIDN'T HE?

YES. THAT'S WHY
EVERYBODY GOES TO EUROPE.

IN FACT, AT CUSTOMS,

THEY ASK, "BUSINESS, PLEASURE,

OR BECAUSE OF SHARON?"

WHY ARE YOU BEING LIKE THIS?

I'M NOT BEING LIKE
THIS. I'M BEING LIKE THIS.

OKAY.

HERE'S YOUR NAME TAG, JAMES.



ACTUALLY, EVERYONE
CALLS ME GERM.

YEAH, BUT YOU SEE,

GERM IS NOT THE BEST NICKNAME

IN A RESTAURANT.

THAT'S WHY RAT LOST HIS JOB.

GOOD POINT, SIR.

SIR? HA HA.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO CALL ME SIR.

I'M NOT YOUR BOSS.

OH, I KNOW.

IT'S JUST, MY DAD TAUGHT ME

TO RESPECT, LIKE, OLDER PEOPLE.

DO YOU KNOW MY DAD?

DID YOU KNOW AT THE AGE OF 25,

THE HUMAN BODY
BEGINS TO DEGENERATE?

YOU STOP PRODUCING BRAIN CELLS,

AND YOUR EARS, UH,
THEY BEGIN TO GROW HAIR.

YOU CAN'T STOP THE INEVITABLE.

YOU CAN ONLY SLOW
IT DOWN WITH BEER.

Sharon: WHAT'S WITH HIM?

THE NEW KID AT
WORK CALLED HIM SIR.

OH, MAN, WHAT A
HORRIBLE THING TO HAPPEN

WITH SOMEBODY SO VAIN.

YOU KNOW, THE SECOND
SOMEBODY REALIZES

THEY'RE REALLY GOOD-LOOKING,
YOU'RE LABELED "VAIN."

THANKS FOR INVITING
US DOWN FOR DINNER.

WE WANTED TO CELEBRATE
YOUR ENGAGEMENT.

ENGAGEMENT IN THEORY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE HAVEN'T HAD A
CHANCE TO SEE THE RING.

OH, OH, OH, OH, YES. HA HA.

A MARQUISE. IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

GOSH, ONE MIGHT
ALMOST BE TEMPTED

TO WEAR IT ON THE
OUTSIDE OF THE BLOUSE.

WE DON'T WANT TO
RUSH THINGS, RIGHT?

WHATEVER MAKES YOU HAPPY.
IF YOU'RE HAPPY, I'M HAPPY.

SO APPARENTLY I'M VERY HAPPY.

BONJOUR, EVERYONE!

PETE, YOU'RE BACK!

HOW WAS THE TRIP?

OH, IT WAS GREAT, AND I WANT...

WAIT. COLETTE.

BONSOIR.

HEY. LOOK WHAT PETE
BROUGHT ME FROM PARIS.

EVERYONE,

UM, THIS IS MY
GIRLFRIEND COLETTE.

BONSOIR.

SHE DOESN'T SPEAK ENGLISH.

THAT WOULD EXPLAIN
THE GIBBERISH.

SO HOW'D YOU TWO KIDS MEET?

OH, WELL, MY FIRST
DAY IN FRANCE,

SOME CON ARTIST
STOLE ALL MY MONEY,

SO I GOT STINKING DRUNK
IN THE POURING RAIN,

I FELL INTO THE STREET,
AND COLETTE RAN ME OVER.

THAT'S EXACTLY
HOW MY PARENTS MET.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE APARTMENT?

AH, PETE, THE WINDS OF CHANGE.

YOU SEE, THE PREVIOUS
PALETTE WASN'T WORKING FOR ME,

SO I DECIDED TO GO
WITH SORT OF A RANCH...

ASHLEY?

I AM SO WHIPPED.

YOU MUST BE HUNGRY.
YOU WANT TO JOIN US?

OOH, CHAMPAGNE.
WHAT'S THE OCCASION?

NO OCCASION.

JUST A FEW FRIENDS
HAVING DINNER.

SHARON AND JOHNNY ARE ENGAGED.

WOW! WOW, ENGAGED.

ACTUALLY, WE'RE
ENGAGED IN THEORY.

OH. OH. WELL, HEY,
CONGRATULATIONS.

I'D EXPLAIN IT TO
COLETTE IF I SPOKE FRENCH

AND UNDERSTOOD WHAT
YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT.

WHY IS EVERYONE HAVING
SUCH A TOUGH TIME WITH THIS?

AN ENGAGEMENT IS A
PROMISE TO BE MARRIED.

I AM PROMISING TO BE ENGAGED,

WHICH, IN THEORY, IS A
PROMISE TO BE MARRIED.

HENCE, WE ARE ENGAGED IN THEORY.

GOOD LUCK FINDING
A CARD FOR THAT.

COLETTE, UM, ARE YOU HUNGRY?

I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S THE WINE

OR SOMEONE MAKING OUT WITH PETE,

BUT I'VE LOST MY APPETITE.

HEY, MAN, I NOTICE YOU
DIDN'T CHARGE YOUR FRIENDS

FOR THAT SLICE.

OH, YEAH. THAT'S BECAUSE I
FOUND IT IN THE BATHROOM.

THAT'S COOL.

I USED TO SNEAK MY FRIENDS
A SLICE NOW AND AGAIN.

OH, YOU MEAN WHEN
YOU WERE MY AGE?

OH, COME ON. WE'RE
PRACTICALLY THE SAME AGE.

I'M INTO THE SAME STUFF YOU ARE.

YEAH, RIGHT.

NO, REALLY. WHAT ARE
YOU DOING THIS AFTERNOON?

MAYBE WE CAN HANG OUT.

IF YOU REALLY WANT
TO, ME AND MY FRIENDS,

WE'RE GOING TO DRAIN
MY PARENTS' POOL.

DRAIN PARTY. YEAH.

THEN WE'RE GOING TO SKATE IN IT.

OH? YOU GUYS HAVE
TO EMPTY IT TO SKATE?

HEY, BERG.

OKAY, COLETTE, UM,

I WANT TO BE COMPLETELY
HONEST WITH YOU.

I WORKED HERE FOR
THREE YEARS, OKAY?

AND WITH TIPS, I
STILL ONLY MANAGED

TO MAKE MINIMUM WAGE.

I WAS A TOTAL LOSER.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND
SAME-LANGUAGE RELATIONSHIPS.

GERM, GET HER
WHATEVER SHE... POINTS TO.

CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

HIS NAME IS GERM?

YEAH, HE'S COOL.
HE'S UP, GRANDPA.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

STAY.

YOU CAN IMAGINE WHAT
HAPPENS WHEN I LEAVE FOR WORK.

I DON'T HAVE TO.

YOU LEFT YOUR DOOR
OPEN THIS MORNING, PETE.

HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING
TO KEEP THIS UP, HUH?

THIS THING WITH FRENCHIE.

YOU'RE JUST DOING
THIS TO RILE UP SHARON.

I BET SHE'S JUST SOME
WOMAN YOU HIRED.

OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, I'M BROKE.

SECONDLY, THIS HAS
NOTHING TO DO WITH SHARON.

COLETTE IS AMAZING. HER
LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL.

NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

SHE ASKS QUESTIONS.

YOU JUST DON'T
KNOW WHAT THEY ARE.

ADMIT IT, PETE. YOU
DON'T REALLY LOVE HER.

YOU SEE, WE CONNECT IN A WAY

THAT YOU WILL NEVER,
EVER UNDERSTAND.

COME ON, COLETTE.
WE'RE OUT OF HERE.

LEAVEZ?

AHEM.

EXIT-DUVEZ?

YOU WANT TO GO FOR A CAR RIDE?

HEY, HONEY, CAN
YOU GRAB ME A BEER?

SURE.

THANKS.

NO, NO, BABY, THIS IS A SODA.

WELL, IT DEPENDS ON
HOW YOU LOOK AT IT.

YOU SEE A SODA. I
SEE A BEER IN THEORY.

I'LL JUST GET IT MYSELF.

PETE. COLETTE.

BONJOUR.

WE STOPPED BY TO GIVE
YOU YOUR ENGAGEMENT GIFT.

OH. YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.

THAT'S WHAT I SAID,

BUT COLETTE, SHE
INSISTED THAT WE BUY IT.

OR SHE WAS HUNGRY. I DON'T KNOW.

SHE SEEMED VERY EXCITED.

WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I'LL PUT IT RIGHT OVER
HERE WITH THE OTHERS.

WELL, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I'LL JUST GO GET STARTED
ON THOSE THANK-YOU NOTES.

SO, THAT'S, UH,
SEEMS KIND OF SILLY

TO WEAR THAT THING
AROUND YOUR NECK.

OH, YEAH, YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT,

BUT AT LEAST JOHNNY
SPEAKS ENGLISH.

HEY, HEY, HEY, DO
YOU MIND, SHARON?

SHE'S SITTING RIGHT HERE.

SHE CAN'T UNDERSTAND ME.

SHE CAN TELL BY YOUR TONE.

OKAY, BUT I'M JUST SAYING

WE HAVE BIMBOS IN AMERICA, TOO.

YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY FOR ME.

I'M IN LOVE. I'M HAPPY FOR YOU.

AND I HOPE YOU'RE...
OH, THAT'S VERY NICE.

I HOPE YOU'RE... HEE HEE.

I HOPE YOU'RE NOT
ENGAGED IN THEORY

ONLY BECAUSE SOMEONE
IN YOUR LIFE CAUSED YOU

TO NOT COMMIT COMPLETELY.

NOT FOLLOWING YOU.

OKAY.

LET'S JUST SAY THERE'S
SOMEONE YOU HAD FEELINGS FOR,

AND YOU THOUGHT THAT
THEY HAD FEELINGS FOR YOU.

AND THEY MIGHT HAVE,

BUT SAID PERSON HAS MOVED ON.

IS SAID PERSON
TOMMY AT THE MARKET?

I JUST THOUGHT I'D MENTION IT.

HEY, WHAT DID I MISS?

APPARENTLY NOTHING.

WE'RE GOING TO GO.

AU REVOIR.

AU REVOIR.

SEE YOU.

WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?

PETE TOLD ME HE WENT TO PARIS

BECAUSE HE HAD FEELINGS FOR ME.

WHOA! WHAT?

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO SAY?

COLETTE WAS SITTING RIGHT THERE.

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

HOW ABOUT, UM, "I'M IN LOVE,"

OR HOW ABOUT "I'M ENGAGED"?

HOW ABOUT "I'M IN
LOVE AND ENGAGED"?

DO YOU SEE A THEME HERE?

ARE YOU JEALOUS OF PETE?

WHY SHOULD I BE JEALOUS
OF THE GUY YOU KISSED?

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU?

I WAS DRUNK.

MAN, DOESN'T THAT COUNT
FOR ANYTHING ANYMORE?

OKAY. IF IT'S NOT THAT,

THEN WHY WON'T YOU
GIVE ME AN ANSWER?

I DID ANSWER YOU. I
SAID, "YES, IN THEORY."

YEAH, AND ABOUT THAT.
I'VE ASKED AROUND.

THERE'S NO SUCH THING.

WHY DO WE HAVE
TO RUSH INTO THIS?

WE'VE ONLY KNOWN EACH
OTHER FOR SIX MONTHS.

I GUESS THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

YOU'VE KNOWN ME FOR SIX MONTHS,

AND YOU FEEL RUSHED,

AND I'VE KNOWN
YOU FOR SIX MONTHS,

AND I WANT TO SPEND THE
REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I NEED TO GO THINK.

YOU KNOW WHAT, SHARON?

I DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS.

THINK ABOUT THAT.

BABY, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING,

SKATEBOARDING IN A SWIMMING POOL

WITH A BUNCH OF TEENAGERS?

OW. WE WERE JUST
BLOWING OFF A LITTLE STEAM.

PETE AND I USED TO ALL THE TIME.

BUT THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.

LOOK IN THERE. THIS IS NO PLACE

FOR A 26-YEAR-OLD TO BE WORKING.

DRAG IN A WHACK-A-MOLE,

AND YOU GOT A CHUCK E. CHEESE.

YOU KNOW WHAT OUR
PROBLEM IS, ASHLEY?

YOU SPEAK ENGLISH.

All: BERG!

HO!

HEY, BERG, MAN, WHO'S THE BETTY?

THE BETTY IS ASHLEY,
AND LET ME TAKE

A STAB IN THE DARK...
YOU MUST BE GERM.

YEAH. YOU'RE HOT.

AND YOUR NAME SUITS YOU.

HO! HO, HO, HO, HO!

WHAT THE HELL IS
GOING ON IN HERE?

WE CAN'T HAVE A BAND IN HERE.

AW! WHAT? AW!

UNLESS THEY ROCK.

YEAH.

YOU.

OH, HEY, PETE,
LOOKS LIKE COLETTE

FINALLY FOUND
SOMEONE ELSE TO TALK TO.

YEAH, WHY DON'T YOU TRY IT?

THIS IS YOUR BIG CHANCE.
YOU CAN ASK COLETTE

ANY QUESTIONS YOU
MIGHT HAVE ABOUT HER.

I KNOW EVERYTHING I
NEED TO KNOW, ASHLEY.

WE'RE IN LOVE.

HERE'S ONE THAT'S REALLY
BEEN GNAWING AT ME.

COLETTE, WHAT DO
YOU SEE IN PETE?

OH, SHE SAYS HE'S THE NICEST GUY

SHE'S EVER MET.

HA HA HA. OHH.

BACK IN YOUR BOX, PANDORA.

BACON STREET.

UH, YEAH, HOLD
ON. I'LL PAGE HIM.

UH, HAROLD SACH?

IS THERE A HAROLD SACH HERE?

NO. WHAT?

OH, SORRY. HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

HARRY SACH.

HA HA HA HA. HA HA HA HA.

GUYS, LISTEN UP!

I'M LOOKING FOR A HARRY SACH.

HA HA HA! HA HA.

HEY, YOU.

STUPID KIDS.

Girl: COLETTE WOULD
LIKE TO KNOW SOMETHING.

QUEL GENRE DU NOM EST BERG?

WHAT KIND OF A NAME IS BERG?

IT'S ACTUALLY SHORT FOR
BERGEN, WHICH IS IRISH.

WHEW!

SHE'S SO RELIEVED. SHE
THOUGHT IT WAS JEWISH.

WOW, AND IT SOUNDED
SO BEAUTIFUL IN FRENCH.

COME ON. YOUR FRENCH
MUST BE A LITTLE RUSTY.

ASK HER... ASK HER
SOMETHING SIMPLE.

ASK HER... ASK HER
WHAT WE DID TODAY.

QU'EST-CE QUE VOUS AVEZ
FAIRE AVEC PETE AUJOURD'HUI?

YOU TOOK HER ON
A TOUR OF BOSTON.

J'ADORE BOSTON...

L'HISTOIRE... L'ARCHITECTURE...

AND BEST OF ALL, IT'S NOT
CRAWLING WITH ALGERIANS.

COME ON, SHE DIDN'T SAY THAT.

NO, NOT EXACTLY. I HAD TO
CLEAN UP THE LANGUAGE...

A LOT.

NE PAS DE JAPANESE -

WE GOT IT. WE GOT IT. WE GOT IT.

ARE YOU OKAY?

WELL, I... YEAH,
I-I NEED SOME AIR.

PETE, HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

YOU GOING TO BE OKAY?

YOU KNOW, BERG, I-I WAS IN LOVE

AND EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT...

FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

♪ I TOOK HER OUT, IT
WAS A FRIDAY NIGHT ♪

♪ I WORE COLOGNE TO
GET THE FEELIN' RIGHT ♪

♪ WE STARTED MAKIN' OUT ♪

♪ AND SHE TOOK OFF MY PANTS,
BUT THEN I TURNED ON THE TV ♪

♪ AND THAT'S ABOUT THE TIME
SHE WALKED AWAY FROM ME ♪

♪ NOBODY LIKES YOU
WHEN YOU'RE 23... ♪

GERM! GERM!

WHAT, IS IT TOO LOUD?

NO. UH, THEY'RE NAKED!

♪ WHAT'S MY AGE AGAIN? ♪

♪ WHAT'S MY AGE AGAIN? ♪

YEAH, WELL, THAT'S OUR GIMMICK

UNTIL WE CAN AFFORD
SOME COSTUMES.

♪ ON THE DRIVE HOME,
I CALLED HER MOM ♪

♪ FROM A PAY PHONE... ♪

GERM, COME HERE! I HAVE
SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU.

YOU WANT ME TO PULL THE PLUG.

PARTY'S OVER. EVERYONE'S
GOT TO GO HOME.

NO, I'M GOING HOME!

WAIT. WHAT?

FOR SOME REASON...
I DON'T KNOW...

THE IDEA OF A MAN PLAYING NAKED

JUST DOESN'T THRILL ME ANYMORE,

SO, UH, I GUESS I'M
TRYING TO SAY I'M OLD,

AND I'M GOING TO BED EARLY.

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE I'M TIRED AND
I'VE GOT A HEADACHE.

ENJOY THE PIZZA PLACE,
GERM. SHE'S ALL YOURS.

I QUIT!

ALL RIGHT, BUT BEFORE YOU GO,

I'M GOING TO BE LATE TOMORROW.

HEY.

HEY.

WHERE'S COLETTE?

UH, SHE'S GONE.

REALLY?

YEAH. TURNS OUT WE
WEREN'T AS COMPATIBLE

AS I ONCE THOUGHT...

YOU KNOW, ME BEING
FROM NEW JERSEY

AND HER BEING A VILE RACIST.

YOU OKAY?

YEAH. YEAH.

YOU KNOW THAT GUY
YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT,

THE ONE YOU SAID MOVED ON?

OH, YOU MEAN TOMMY
FROM THE MARKET.

YEAH.

HAS HE REALLY MOVED ON?

YEAH. YEAH, HE REALIZED
THAT HE WOULD HAVE

SCREWED UP A GREAT FRIENDSHIP

OVER SOMETHING THAT
WOULDN'T HAVE WORKED OUT.

HE'S PROBABLY RIGHT.

THAT'S A NICE NECKLACE,
BUT CALL ME CRAZY...

I THINK IT WOULD
WORK BETTER AS A RING.

IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE.
IT'S COMPLICATED.

THERE'S A LOT OF
THINGS GOING ON.

SHARON, THERE'S ALWAYS
A LOT OF THINGS GOING ON.

I GUESS IT DOESN'T MATTER.
JOHNNY'S GONE ANYWAY, SO...

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

SHARON, HE MOVED
OUT OF YOUR APARTMENT

LIKE A HALF-HOUR AGO.

WHAT? WHERE DID HE GO?

HE JUST TOOK OFF.

WE GOT TO GO FIND HIM!

WHY? YOU DON'T REALLY
WANT TO MARRY HIM.

YES, I DO!

YOU SEE?

IT'S NOT THAT COMPLICATED.

HE DIDN'T REALLY
MOVE OUT, DID HE?

HOW SHOULD I KNOW?

I WAS BUSY DRIVING ADOLF
BACK TO THE AIRPORT.

HI.

GOT SOMETHING I WANT
TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

I GOT SOMETHING I
WANT TO TELL YOU, TOO.

I'D LIKE MY RING BACK.

WHAT?

SEEING AS HOW WINTER'S
RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER

AND WE'RE NOT GETTING MARRIED,

I'D LIKE TO GET MY SNOW
BLOWER OUT OF HOCK.

WELL, YOU CAN'T HAVE IT.

FINE.

THEN I'M TAKING THIS CLOCK.

JUST GIVE IT... WHAT?

OH, GOD.

JOHNNY, YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU PROBABLY DO DESERVE
SOMEBODY BETTER THAN ME,

BUT I WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING

FOR YOU TO BE MY HUSBAND.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

JOHNNY?

SO... NOW YOU'RE
ASKING ME TO MARRY YOU.

WHAT AN INTERESTING
SITUATION THIS IS.

JOHNNY... NO, NO, I'M TORN.

I MEAN, I LOVE YOU,

BUT THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL CLOCK.

OKAY, LISTEN. COME HERE.

YOU REALIZE IF I
AGREE TO MARRY YOU,

WE HAVE TO ACTUALLY GET MARRIED?

YES.

YES, PERIOD? BECAUSE I
PLAN ON TELLING PEOPLE.

YES.

THEN YES.

OH, MAN, I SHOULD HAVE
LET YOU TWIST IN THE WIND

JUST A WHILE LONGER.

LET'S FACE IT... I'M OLD.

YOU'RE NOT OLD. THEY'RE YOUNG.

I WANT TO BE YOUNG.

YOU ARE. COME ON,
IT'S ALL RELATIVE.

AT THE HOSPITAL,
YOU NEVER FEEL OLD.

THAT'S BECAUSE OF ALL
THE DEATH AND SUFFERING.

RIGHT, AND AT THE HOSPITAL,

YOU'RE SEEN AS A YOUNG INTERN,

WHEREAS AT THE PIZZA PLACE,

YOU'RE JUST SEEN AS A LOSER.

YOU HAVE SUCH A GENTLE WAY.

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