Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 3, Episode 18 - Once Again from the Beginning - full transcript

CAN YOU BELIEVE JOHNNY
AND I ARE GETTING MARRIED

IN JUST A COUPLE MONTHS?

STILL TO EACH OTHER, RIGHT?

WHAT? HEY, IT'S NOT A LOCK.

WE'RE EACH WRITING
OUR OWN PERSONAL VOWS

THAT WE'RE GOING TO RECITE
TO EACH OTHER AT THE WEDDING.

JOHNNY'S WRITING HIS
OWN? ALL RIGHT. LIMERICKS.

HEY, HEY.

HE'S BEEN SPENDING
A LOT OF TIME ON HIS.

I BET THEY'RE GOING
TO BE VERY ROMANTIC.

HA HA HA!



[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HELLO?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

SHH. WHAT? YES. NO, ABSOLUTELY.

YES, I'LL BE THERE.
THANK YOU. OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, GUTTMANN
CALLED IN SICK.

THEY WANT ME TO FILL IN FOR HIM.

WHAT A DAY TO BE ME!

PETE, FIRE.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH JOHNNY
WRITING HIS OWN VOWS?

ALL RIGHT, MY FIRST OIL FIRE.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WATER MAKES AN OIL FIRE BIGGER.



YEAH, I KNOW.

NOW, THAT'S A FIRE
WORTH FIGHTING.

OKAY, REMEMBER WHAT HE WROTE
ON YOUR ANNIVERSARY CARD?

"HAPPY ANNIVERSARY. IT'S BEEN
COOL GETTING TO KNOW YOU.

"YOU'RE REALLY COOL.

STAY COOL."

"JOHNNY."

YOU KNOW WHAT? HE WROTE
THAT IN ONLY TWO DAYS.

OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.

WHAT WAS I THINKING? I
BETTER GO TALK TO JOHNNY.

YEAH.

PETE. WHAT?

BACKDRAFT.

ON IT!

OH!

WERE YOU GOING TO EAT THAT?

WELL, I WAS, BUT I FOUND A
DOUGHNUT ON THE SIDEWALK,

SO I'M FULL.

HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

I DON'T KNOW. I SAID YOUR NAME,

AND THE STOVE BURST INTO FLAMES.

YOU ARE SO FUNNY.
IS IT THE CELIBACY?

THAT'S NICE.

YOU KNOW, I TAKE
COMFORT IN KNOWING

THAT THERE'S A TEAM
OF JAPANESE SCIENTISTS

WORKING ROUND THE CLOCK
TO FIND A WAY TO DESTROY YOU.

HEY. HEY, HEY, HEY.

THAT'S MINE.

I KNOW.

THAT'S WHY IT
TASTES EXTRA SPECIAL.

OH, THAT'S NOT WHY.

IS THERE ANY REASON YOU'RE HERE?

I JUST WANTED TO INVITE YOU
TO NOMAR'S GOLF TOURNAMENT.

ALL OF HIS RED SOX TEAMMATES
ARE GOING TO BE THERE,

PLUS LOTS OF OTHER CELEBRITIES.

AND HOW WILL I BE HUMILIATED?

GLAD YOU ASKED. YOU
HAVE TO BE A CADDIE.

SURPRISE! I'D LOVE
TO BE NOMAR'S CADDIE.

I'LL GET TO HANG OUT WITH
HIM, WAVE TO THE CROWD.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
SURPRISE! YOU'RE MY CADDIE.

WELL DONE.

YOU'RE GETTING MORE EVIL.

WE NEED TO FIND HER NEST
AND DESTROY THE EGGS.

PETE!

PETE! COME ON, WE
ARE GOING TO BE LATE.

I AM NOT WEARING A VEST
WITH YOUR NAME ON IT.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST
BRAND ME WITH "666"?

PETE, YOU HAVE TO WEAR IT.

OTHERWISE, IF YOU GET LOST,

HOW WILL ANYONE KNOW
WHO YOU BELONG TO?

YOU DON'T WANT ME
TO BE YOUR CADDIE.

YOU WANT TO BOSS ME
AROUND IN FRONT OF A CROWD.

KNOW WHAT? NOT THIS
GUY. I HAVE MY PRIDE.

CARL YASTRZEMSKI'S
GOING TO BE THERE.

I'LL LOOK FOR MY
PRIDE ON THE BACK NINE.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

WE'RE IN A HURRY. DON'T
BE A CHATTY CADDIE.

[RING]

HELLO?

Berg: Pete? BERG.

I'm scared. WHAT?

I never should have
come to the hospital.

I'm not ready. I shouldn't
be handling patients.

THEY DON'T KNOW THAT.

I'VE ALREADY GOT FOUR
ROOMS WAITING FOR ME.

WHAT IF I STICK A NEEDLE IN
SOME GUY AND NEARLY KILL HIM?

I WANT TO GO HOME.

MY GRANDMOM USED TO ALWAYS SAY,

"THE HARDER THE CHOICE,
THE SWEETER THE REWARD."

SHE ALSO SAID

WINSTON CHURCHILL
SHOVELED HER DRIVEWAY.

YOU CAN'T PROVE HE DIDN'T.

WE ARE NOWHERE NEAR BROOKLINE.

THIS IS WHAT I GET
FOR HAVING AN IDIOT

FOR MY CADDIE.

OH, GREAT, I'M MISSING IT.

OH, DON'T WORRY, YOU'LL
GET ALONG WITHOUT IT.

THE TIN MAN DID.

CAN WE JUST GET
TO THE TOURNAMENT?

FINE.

CAN I TALK TO YOU?

WE'RE IN A RUSH.

I'M IN A HURRY, TOO. GIVE ME
YOUR WALLETS AND WATCHES.

COME ON, GIVE THEM UP.
AND I'LL TAKE THOSE CLUBS.

THOSE WERE A GIFT FROM MY
BOYFRIEND NOMAR GARCIAPARRA.

THE BASEBALL PLAYER?

SO THEY MUST BE PRETTY VALUABLE.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

HAND THEM OVER, GUTTER WENCH.

WHOA... WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

DON'T TALK TO HER LIKE THAT.

I WAS TALKING TO YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
ASHLEY, STAY BEHIND ME.

NO, NO, NO.

YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT
PEOPLE LIKE THIS ARE CAPABLE OF.

HE IS NOT WORTH IT.
HE'S A PATHETIC LOSER.

YOU DON'T, HOWEVER, HAVE
TO MAKE THE SITUATION WORSE.

OKAY, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

HERE'S A DOLLAR.
JUST LEAVE US ALONE.

YOU'RE NOT MAKING THE RULES.

YOU KNOW WHAT, PAL? YOU
DON'T EVEN HAVE A WEAPON.

GOOD POINT, PETEY.

OKAY, I DON'T WANT
TO TELL YOU YOUR JOB,

BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE
FLASHED THAT EARLIER.

GOOD CHOICE, PETEY.

THE HARDER THE CHOICE,
THE SWEETER THE REWARDS.

HEY, MY GRANDMOTHER
USED TO SAY THAT.

[CELLULAR PHONE RINGS]

HELP-O.

I MEAN, HELLO.

GIVE ME THAT!

IF YOU WERE HERE RIGHT
NOW, I'D KICK YOUR FACE IN.

THANKS FOR THE PHONE.

YEAH, DON'T EVEN THINK
ABOUT LEAVING THE STATE,

'CAUSE THERE'S ROAMING CHARGES!

SIR, I KNOW,

I DON'T BELIEVE PEOPLE
WHEN THEY SAY THIS, EITHER,

BUT WE WERE MUGGED TODAY,

AND WE JUST NEED SOME
MONEY TO GET HOME.

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM,

I'M RAISING MONEY FOR MY SCHOOL.

[Sighs] ALL RIGHT,
THIS ISN'T WORKING.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

WELL, YOU'RE NOT
SYMPATHETIC ENOUGH.

MAYBE I COULD
POKE YOUR EYES OUT,

AND YOU COULD SELL PENCILS.

WE ARE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE HERE.

COULD YOU PLEASE
JUST WORK WITH ME?

FORGET IT. I AM NOT BEGGING.

FINE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

♪ OH, WHEN THE SUN BEATS DOWN ♪

♪ AND BURNS THE
TAR UP ON THE ROOF ♪

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

♪ AND YOUR SHOES ARE SO HOT ♪

♪ YOU WISH YOUR
TIRED FEET WERE ♪

♪ FIREPROOF ♪

THANK YOU, SIR.

♪ UNDER THE BOARDWALK ♪

♪ DOWN BY THE SEA ♪

♪ ON A BLANKET WITH MY BABY ♪

♪ IS WHERE I'LL BE ♪

♪ UNDER THE BOARDWALK ♪

♪ OUT OF THE SUN ♪

♪ UNDER THE BOARDWALK ♪

♪ WE'LL BE HAVING SOME FUN ♪

♪ UNDER THE BOARDWALK ♪

♪ WITH PEOPLE WALKING ABOVE ♪

♪ UNDER THE BOARDWALK ♪

♪ WE'LL BE FALLING IN LOVE ♪

♪ UNDER THE BOARDWALK ♪

♪ BOARDWALK ♪

OH!

WERE YOU GOING TO EAT THAT?

WELL, I WAS, BUT I FOUND A
DOUGHNUT ON THE SIDEWALK,

SO I'M FULL.

OH, THERE YOU ARE.

YEAH, JUST DOING SOME
WORK IN IRENE'S APARTMENT.

WHAT IS THAT?

THAT'S WHAT YOUR
AIR FILTER LOOKS LIKE

WHEN YOU HAVE 40 CATS.

EW.

YOU THINK THAT'S GROSS,
I CLEANED IT YESTERDAY.

HEY, BABY, HAVE YOU WRITTEN
YOUR WEDDING VOWS YET?

YES, COMING ALONG
NICELY, THANK YOU.

CAN I HEAR THEM?

WAIT A MINUTE. JUST LAST
WEEK, WE HAD A BIG FIGHT...

HONEY, HONEY, WE DON'T FIGHT.

RIGHT. SORRY.

I HAD THIS LOUD
LISTENING SESSION...

BECAUSE I WANTED TO
USE THE PRIEST'S VOWS,

BUT YOU SAID NO,

YOU WANTED OUR
VOWS TO BE SPECIAL

AND TO BE SURPRISED
BY THEM AT THE WEDDING.

I SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING.
I'LL JUST GO READ THEM MYSELF.

I HID THEM. I WROTE
THEM IN CODE.

JUST READ ME THE VOWS!

OH, SHARON, GOOD.

I NEED SOMEONE TO HELP ME

PUT SOME DIAPERS ON THE CATS

WHILE THEIR POTTIES
ARE OUT OF COMMISSION.

THIS ISN'T OVER.

BUM-BUM, YOU GET BACK HERE.

EW, STINKY!

OH, HEY, SWEETIE, I WAS
JUST MAKING YOU SOME LUNCH.

THEY'RE NOT IN THERE.

SWEETIE, I CANNOT
BELIEVE THAT YOU THOUGHT...

I DON'T EVEN HAVE
THE ENERGY. VOWS!

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO HEAR
THEM? DON'T YOU TRUST ME?

IT'S JUST THAT PETE AND BERG
FELT SO STRONGLY ABOUT IT.

YEAH, RIGHT.

THEY ALSO FELT STRONGLY
THAT WE HOLD THE RECEPTION

AT HOOTERS.

I AM SERIOUS. THEY SAID I
SHOULD HEAR YOUR VOWS.

[Laughing] RIGHT.

OKAY, I'LL PROVE IT.

ARE YOU SO IMMATURE THAT
YOU ARE GOING TO CALL...

YES, YOU ARE.

PETE, TELL JOHNNY HE
SHOULD READ ME THE VOWS.

Pete: I mean, hello.

IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE?

Man: If you were here right now,

I'd kick your face in.

OKAY, WHEN HE GETS BACK,
HE'S GOING TO PAY FOR THAT.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.

FINE, FINE. I WILL SHOW YOU.

OOH, LOOK, FREE PRIZE INSIDE.

OKAY, OKAY, I AM PICTURING
MYSELF AT THE ALTAR

IN MY BEAUTIFUL DRESS.

NOW GO.

I'M STILL PUTTING THE
FINISHING TOUCHES

ON THESE.

OH, BABY, I'M SURE
THAT THEY'RE PERFECT

BECAUSE THEY COME FROM YOU.

ALL RIGHT. READY?

YEAH.

OKAY. AHEM.

"I, JONATHAN DONNELLY,

"TAKE YOU, SHARON CARTER,

"TO BE MY LAWFUL WEDDED BRIDE,

TO HOLD AND TO HAVE..."

"TO STAY WITH YOU,

WHETHER YOU HAVE
MONEY OR NOT..."

"WHETHER YOU'RE NOT
FEELING WELL OR WELL,

UNTIL ONE OF US IS DEAD."

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

HMM. SO MANY THINGS.

WHAT?

THAT DOESN'T SOUND
A BIT FAMILIAR TO YOU?

WELL, OKAY, I ADMIT

I USED THE CHURCH
VOWS AS A BLUEPRINT,

BUT I GOT SOME
ORIGINAL STUFF IN THERE.

I LOVED THE PART

WHERE YOU SWITCHED
"HAVE" AND "HOLD."

HONEY, HONEY,

I THOUGHT WE AGREED TO
WRITE SOMETHING SPECIAL

THAT WAS GOING
TO BE JUST FOR US.

I KNOW, BUT THIS SAYS
EVERYTHING THAT I WANT TO SAY.

THAT IS SO SWEET.

NOW LET'S WORK ON
WHAT I WANT YOU TO SAY.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

LET'S HEAR YOUR VOWS.

YOU CAN'T.

WHY NOT?

DON'T HAVE THEM.

WHAT?

I'VE BEEN BUSY!

UNTIL YOU'VE WRITTEN YOURS,
YOU'VE NO RIGHT TO CRITICIZE.

WAIT, WAIT, WHERE YOU GOING?

I'VE DONE MY HOMEWORK,
SO I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT.

SO, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE
ME, THERE ARE SOME CATS

WHO'VE MADE POOPY
IN THEIR DIAPIES.

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE MY DADDY.

HE ALWAYS BRINGS
THE CRAZIEST PRESENTS.

LAST YEAR, HE BROUGHT
ME A LAWN FLAMINGO.

ISN'T THAT NUTS?

YEAH, SOMETIMES I
WONDER WHERE I CAME FROM.

OH, HEY, SHAR.

SHE'S GOT THE
GRUMPIES. GOOD LUCK.

Sharon: OKAY, OKAY.

YOU WANT TO HEAR
VOWS? I'LL SHOW YOU VOWS.

GO AHEAD. I WILL.

ALL RIGHT. "MY VOWS"
BY SHARON CARTER.

"I, SHARON CARTER,

"ON THE EMBARKATION OF
THIS MOMENTOUS OCCASION,

"PROMISE TO ALWAYS BE TRUE

"TO THE SACREDNESS
OF OUR MARRIAGE

"WHERE OUR UNION WILL
SET AN EXAMPLE FOR OTHERS.

"WE WILL EVERY DAY TRY

"TO MAKE OUR PLANET
A BETTER PLACE,

"INSPIRING THOSE AROUND
US TO BE BETTER PEOPLE,

BRINGING JOY AND
PEACE TO THE WORLD."

THANK YOU, MISS INDIANA.

EXCUSE ME?

AND NOW FOR THE TALENT
PORTION OF OUR WEDDING...

[Laughing] OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT.

LET'S JUST GO WITH
"UNTIL ONE OF US IS DEAD."

OH, YEAH, DR. BERG
IS BACK, BABY!

[CRASH]

JEEZ, JOHNNY... YOU SCARED ME.

WELL DONE. YOU'RE
GETTING MORE EVIL.

WE NEED TO FIND HER NEST
AND DESTROY THE EGGS.

HA HA HA.

AW, PETE SEES YOU AS A MOM.

SO, WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO?

DR. GUTTMANN CALLED IN SICK,

AND THEY'RE LETTING
ME FILL IN FOR HIM.

IT'S THE OPPORTUNITY
I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR.

JUST KEEP A POSITIVE ATTITUDE

'CAUSE YOU'RE ALREADY
ON ACADEMIC PROBATION.

IF YOU SCREW UP THEN,
WHERE DO YOU GO?

OUT OF THE PROGRAM.
THREE YEARS WASTED.

I KNOW THAT! DON'T
YOU THINK I KNOW THAT?

DR. BERGEN, I HAVE AN EMERGENCY.

FINISH UP WITH THE
PATIENT IN ROOM A.

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S A SMALL LACERATION
OVER THE EYE.

HOW SMALL? SMALL
SMALL, TEENY SMAL?

TEENY SMALL, YEAH.
I'VE DONE THE SUTURES.

JUST FINISH IT UP.

OKAY. SO THAT WOULD ENTAIL...

PUTTING ON A BAND-AID.

SMALL BAND-AID, TEENY BAND-AID?

I-I'LL MAKE THE CALL.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HELLO?

Pete? BERG.

I'M SCARED.

WHAT?

I NEVER SHOULD HAVE
COME TO THE HOSPITAL.

I'M NOT READY.

I SHOULDN'T BE
HANDLING PATIENTS.

MY GRANDMOM USED TO ALWAYS SAY,

"THE HARDER THE CHOICE,
THE SWEETER THE REWARD."

SHE ALSO SAID

WINSTON CHURCHILL
SHOVELED HER DRIVEWAY.

YOU CAN'T PROVE HE DIDN'T.

You just need your
confidence back.

ALL RIGHT? TAKE ON A
CASE YOU CAN HANDLE.

START WITH THE EASY ONES
AND WORK YOUR WAY UP.

THANKS, MAN.

I GOT TO CALL A CAB.
WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE.

TAKE THE SUBWAY.
IT'S WAY FASTER.

I DON'T KNOW.

TRUST ME, PETE.

CAB DRIVERS WILL RIP YOU OFF.

SO, HOW WE DOING TODAY?

I'VE BEEN BETTER.

LET'S, UH, LET'S JUST
TAKE A LOOK AT IT.

OKAY, I CAN DO THIS.

YOU WEREN'T SURE?

I'VE BEEN ON PROBATION.

SO, UH, SO, HOW'D
IT HAPPEN, ANYWAY?

ON THE JOB. GUY
TOOK A SWING AT ME.

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE I
SHOULD JUST GIVE IT UP,

FIND SOME OTHER LINE OF WORK.

WELL, IS THIS, UH,

IS THIS JOB SOMETHING
YOU LOVE DOING?

SURE. MAKE MY OWN HOURS,
THE PAY IS PRETTY GOOD,

AND I DEAL WITH
PEOPLE, WHICH I LIKE.

WELL, THEN YOU CAN'T QUIT.

IF THIS JOB IS SOMETHING
YOU LOVE DOING,

YOU GOT TO GET BACK OUT THERE.

NO, YOU GOT TO GET
BACK OUT THERE TODAY.

I DON'T KNOW.

HEY, HEY, A FRIEND OF MINE
GAVE ME A PIECE OF ADVICE.

SHOVE A BUM.

HE SAID, "THE HARDER THE CHOICE,

THE SWEETER THE REWARD."

THAT'S CATCHY.

YOU KNOW YOUR CUSTOMERS.

YOU START WITH THE EASY
ONES, WORK YOUR WAY UP.

BERGEN, NEED YOU IN EXAM ROOM D.

BE RIGHT THERE, STUART.

THANKS, DOC. I'M GOING
TO TAKE A WALK DOWNTOWN

AND GET BACK TO WORK RIGHT NOW.

OH, TAKE THE SUBWAY.
IT'S WAY FASTER.

HERE.

HAVE A TOKEN ON ME.

THANKS. TAKE ON
THE EASY ONES FIRST.

PULL DOWN THE
WEAKEST OF THE HERD.

I JUST CAN'T FIGURE
IT OUT. WHY US?

HEY, LISTEN, PETE, I
JUST WANT TO THANK YOU

FOR STICKING UP FOR ME
TODAY WITH THE MUGGER.

WELL, GUTTER WENCH

IS MY SPECIAL NICKNAME FOR YOU.

SO, WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

I SUGGEST WE PUT THIS
UGLINESS BEHIND US.

YOU MEAN THE MUGGING?
NO, I MEAN US GETTING ALONG.

ARE YOU FINISHED
REWRITING YOUR VOWS?

I HAVE VOW BLOCK.

YEAH, ME, TOO.

WHY CAN'T WE DO THIS?

WHAT DOES THIS SAY ABOUT US?

WELL, I JUST... I'VE NEVER
BEEN VERY GOOD AT,

YOU KNOW, PUTTING THAT
KIND OF STUFF ON PAPER.

YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU.

OF COURSE.

I MEAN, I-I GUESS.

OH...

COME ON, SHARON, I COULD...
I COULD NEVER IMAGINE

SPENDING THE REST OF MY
LIFE WITH ANYBODY EXCEPT YOU.

I KNOW.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH,

IT HURTS TO EVEN IMAGINE
MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU.

WITH YOU IN MY LIFE
AND HOLDING MY HAND,

I HAVE ALL THAT I
COULD EVER WANT.

DO YOU KNOW THAT EVERY
MORNING WHEN I WAKE UP

AND SEE YOU LYING NEXT TO ME,

I JUST... I THANK
GOD HOW LUCKY I AM

THAT I GET TO GROW OLD WITH YOU?

OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD, THOSE ARE VOWS.

DO YOU HAVE A PEN? OH! OKAY.

WHAT WAS THAT THING

YOU SAID ABOUT
BEING IN BED? OLD.

RIGHT, AND THEN
YOU SAID SOMETHING

ABOUT BEING TOGETHER
FOR SOMETHING FOREVER,

AND THEN THERE WAS
SOMETHING ABOUT SOMETHING.

LOVE! LOVE, LOVE, LOVE,

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE,
LOVE IN MY LIFE.

OH, THE HELL WITH IT.

I, SHARON CARTER,

TAKE YOU, JONATHAN DONNELLY,

TO BE MY LAWFUL WEDDED HUSBAND,

TO HAVE AND TO HOLD,
FOR RICHER OR FOR POORER,

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH,

TILL ONE OF US IS DEAD.

THAT'S COOL.

YAY! OH, HEY, HERE YOU GO.

GOT THAT?

YEAH, THANKS.

DADDY!

KITTEN!

OH!

HERE!

I GOT YOU SOME GOLF CLUBS.

DADDY, I DON'T GOLF.
YOU ARE SO CRAZY!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

I'M GOING TO CALL MY CELL PHONE,

GIVE THAT MUGGER
A PIECE OF MY MIND.

GOOD FOR YOU.

[CELLULAR PHONE RINGS]

OH, MY DADDY JUST
GAVE ME ONE OF THESE.

NOW, WHO WOULD CALL ME? HELLO?

HELLO. HELLO. HELLO.

HELLO. HELLO!

WHAT? WHAT?

IRENE, KNOCK IT
OFF. I CAN'T HEAR.

OH, SORRY.

HELLO? GREAT. HE HUNG UP.

GOD, YOU PEOPLE ARE DUMB.

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