Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 3, Episode 16 - A Rookie Script - full transcript
Ashley has a new boyfriend, Nomar Garciaparra, the baseball player and Berg is becoming jealous. Sharon is organising a charity bachelor auction for the children's wing and gets Berg and Pete to participate. Berg, in particular, is taking it very seriously. Pete has problems when Irene is the winning bidder and Berg gets disgraces himself by getting drunk. Sharon and Johnny have a garage sale to get rid of unwanted items, which is causing problems as wanted and defective items were sold.
AND SO, I'VE BEEN APPOINTED
TO THE FUNDRAISING COMMITTEE
AT THE CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL!
YOU'RE REALLY
BEING A GOOD PERSON.
I DON'T GET IT.
YOU LET US KNOW WHAT
WE CAN DO TO HELP.
ACTUALLY, UM, I'M ORGANIZING
A CHARITY BACHELORS' AUCTION.
OH, I'M AVAILABLE ANYTIME.
ALL RIGHT!
AFTER THAT THING!
OH, BERG, PLEASE.
ABSOLUTELY NOT. I KNOW
HOW THESE THINGS WORK, OKAY?
A BUNCH OF DESPERATE WIDOWS
SLOBBERING ALL OVER YOU.
PETE?
YEAH, IT SOUNDS GOOD.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
WHO IS IT?
Woman: IRENE!
IT'S IRENE.
HI!
WHERE'S PETE?
OH, HE'S NOT HERE.
I THOUGHT I HEARD HIS VOICE.
WELL, WHEN SHARON
AND I ANSWER TOGETHER...
IT SOUNDS LIKE PETE.
DO YOU THINK IT
WOULD BE ALL RIGHT
IF I BORROWED SOME OF
PETE'S CLOTHES TO SLEEP IN?
NO.
NO HARM ASKING.
IRENE, I GOT YOUR CAT.
I FOUND THE RASCAL IN MY PLANTS.
NO, NO!
HE'S JUST A LITTLE CUTIE.
THANK YOU.
OH, YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE CUTIE!
AND SHE'S JUST A LITTLE CREEPY.
ASHLEY HAS BEEN
REALLY NICE LATELY...
EVER SINCE SHE GOT
A NEW BOYFRIEND.
OOH! ASHLEY HAS A NEW BOYFRIEND?
WHO IS HE?
I DON'T KNOW.
HERE'S ONE OF PETE'S
SOCKS FOR YOUR TROUBLE.
SHARON, HOW MANY
WEDDINGS HAVE YOU BEEN IN?
THERE'S, LIKE, FIVE
BRIDESMAIDS' DRESSES HERE.
EVERYTHING'S GOT TO GO.
YOU SURE? WHAT IF BUTT
UGLY COMES BACK INTO STYLE?
HEY, I JUST DON'T NEED
ANY OF THIS STUFF ANYMORE.
I AM CLEANSING MYSELF OF
THE OLD MATERIALISTIC ME.
AND WHILE SHE'S CLEANSING,
I'M MAKING OUT LIKE A BANDIT.
JOHNNY, THIS THING DOESN'T
WORK. I WANT MY MONEY BACK.
SORRY, PETE. ALL SALES FINAL.
BUT, JOHNNY, I ASKED
YOU... BUT NOTHING.
HEY, YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO WOULDN'T BUY
THE EXTENDED
WARRANTY FOR 50 CENTS.
JOHNNY, IT'S NOT FAIR.
AT LEAST THROW IN
THAT FISHING POLE.
WHAT FISHING POLE?
YOU'RE SELLING MY FISHING POLE?
BABY, WE AGREED.
WE'RE CHANGING OUR LIVES.
I'M NOT CHANGING.
YOU'RE CHANGING.
I WAS ALREADY GOOD.
YOU HAVEN'T BEEN
FISHING FOR MONTHS.
I WENT LAST WEEKEND.
YES, AND YOU WERE GONE ALL DAY!
THIS IS MINE.
IT GOES BACK IN THE
CLOSET WITH MY TACKLE BOX.
HEY, IS A TACKLE BOX SOMETHING
THAT'S SQUARE AND SMELLY
THAT YOU COULD SELL
QUICK FOR ABOUT 7 BUCKS?
YEAH.
SWEETIE, WE HAVEN'T
HUGGED IN A WHILE!
[VEHICLE APPROACHES]
OH, VIPER... NICE CAR!
YEAH, TRY GETTING
GROCERIES IN IT.
WAIT, WAIT. HOLD ON.
THAT'S ASHLEY AND
HER NEW BOYFRIEND.
"OH, LOOK AT ME. I
HAVE SO MUCH MONEY."
WHAT A LOSER.
OF COURSE HE IS. WHO
ELSE WOULD DATE ASHLEY?
HEY.
THANKS. I HAD FUN.
HEY, PETE.
GOD, ISN'T IT A BEAUTIFUL DAY?
I DON'T KNOW.
WHY DON'T YOU GO
AWAY, AND I'LL FIND OUT?
YOU ARE SO FUNNY!
AAH! BERG, IT BURNS!
SO, I HEAR YOU GOT A
NEW BOYFRIEND, HUH?
YOU MIGHT REMEMBER HIM.
HE WAS ENTERTAINING
KIDS IN PEDIATRICS.
OH, THE FAT CLOWN.
CONGRATULATIONS.
NO, THE, UM, OTHER ONE.
NOMAR GARCIAPARRA?
HUH.
WHO WOULD HAVE
THOUGHT THERE WERE
TWO NOMAR GARCIAPARRAS
IN THE WORLD?
ONE'S THE FAMOUS
BASEBALL PLAYER,
AND THE OTHER
ONE'S NOT TOO PICKY.
[LAUGHING]
PETE...
OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE DATING
NOMAR GARCIAPARRA?
BERG, DID YOU HEAR THAT?
WELL, IT'S HARD NOT TO,
WHEN YOU SQUEAL LIKE
A LITTLE SCHOOLGIRL.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?
WE GET TO HANG OUT WITH NOMAR
AND HE'LL GIVE US BOX SEATS,
AND WHAT'S THE CUTOFF
AGE FOR BATBOYS?
ASHLEY!
OH, MY GOD! IT'S HIM! IT'S HIM!
HOW DO I LOOK? HOW DO I LOOK?
I GOT HALFWAY DOWN THE BLOCK
AND NOTICED YOU
FORGOT YOUR PURSE.
OH, THANKS, NOMIE.
SO, HEY, THIS IS PETE,
AND THIS IS BERG.
BERG?
HA HA. THAT'S A FUNNY NAME.
IT IS A FUNNY NAME,
NOMAR. YOU'RE THE BEST!
HEY, MAN.
WHAT'S UP, GERM?
I REALLY WANT TO THANK YOU
FOR GETTING ME THIS ORDERLY GIG.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
SO, HOW LONG DO I
HAVE TO WORK HERE
BEFORE THEY MAKE ME A DOCTOR?
WELL, UH... WELL, IT'S
A SENIORITY SYSTEM.
BUT I'LL TELL YOU, THE
NEXT DOCTOR THAT DIES...
YOU'RE IN.
COOL.
HEY. WHOA, ASH,
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
IT'S THE MIDDLE OF OUR SHIFT.
THEY'RE LETTING ME OFF EARLY.
BUT IT... WE'RE SWAMPED TODAY.
I FEEL BAD, BUT NOMAR IS
GETTING HIS ESPY AWARD,
SO THE OTHER DOCTORS
AGREED TO COVER FOR ME.
NOMAR? ESPY AWARDS?
BERG, DID YOU HEAR THAT?
YOUR OLD BETTY'S GOING
OUT WITH A BASEBALL STUD!
YES, I'VE HEARD.
THAT GUY'S A STAR. OH,
YOU REALLY TRADED UP.
THANK YOU, GERM.
YOU DUMPED HER, AND NOW
YOUR EX-BETTY IS THE QUEEN BETTY.
SHE'S THE LEADER OF ALL
BETTYS IN THE FREE WORLD.
ARE YOU GOING TO LET
HIM CALL YOU A BETTY?
IT WOULD BOTHER ME IF I
WEREN'T THE QUEEN BETTY.
[LAUGHS]
OH, MAN, SHE'S FUNNY.
HEY, SHARON.
HEY, IRENE. SEE
ANYTHING YOU LIKE?
OH, A GARAGE SALE!
THIS REMINDS ME OF WHEN MY MOM
USED TO TAKE ME
SHOPPING FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
OH!
OH, MY GOD.
WHERE DID YOU GET THESE
BEAUTIFULLY COLORED DRESSES?
OH, ARE THEY FOR SALE, OR
ARE THEY JUST FOR SHOW?
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
THEY'RE FOR SALE.
THEN I'M THE LUCKY LEPRECHAUN
AT THE END OF THIS
BEAUTIFUL RAINBOW.
GUESS I BETTER TAKE
THEM ALL. HOW MUCH?
UH, FIVE.
HUNDRED?
$500?
YOU SAID IT... $500!
NO TAKE-BACKS!
SHOOT! YOU GOT
ME THERE. I SAID IT.
YOU WANT TO JUST
WRITE ME A CHECK?
I DON'T BELIEVE IN BANKS.
THEY GET ROBBED ALL THE TIME.
I HIDE ALL MY MONEY
IN MY JEWELRY BOX.
HEY!
OH, HI, BERG!
LOOK AT THESE PRETTY
DRESSES I BOUGHT!
IT'S LIKE I WAS PRACTICALLY
IN THE WEDDINGS!
YOU ARE TOO SAD.
OH, YOU TEASE!
WHAT'S WITH YOU?
NOTHING. IT'S ASHLEY'S
NEW BOYFRIEND.
EVERYONE THINKS HE'S SO GREAT
JUST 'CAUSE HE'S
A BASEBALL PLAYER.
NO, HE'S A REALLY GREAT GUY.
HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?
WE ALL WENT OUT TO
DINNER THE OTHER NIGHT
AND HE PAID FOR EVERYTHING...
BIG HIT WITH JOHNNY.
HE WAS GREAT WITH
THOSE KIDS IN THE HOSPITAL.
OH, REALLY? DID HE HEAL THEM?
'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT I DO.
YEAH, OF COURSE.
BECAUSE WHAT YOU DO
IS MUCH MORE IMPORTANT
THAN WHAT HE DOES.
YES, THAT'S WHAT
I'VE BEEN SAYING.
THAT'S WHY YOU'RE THE PERFECT
GUY TO FILL THE LAST SLOT
IN THE BACHELOR AUCTION.
I'M NOT GOING TO BE
DOING THE AUCTION, OKAY?
GIVE YOU A CHANCE TO
COMPETE WITH NOMAR.
NOMAR'S IN IT?
HE'S GOING TO BE
ON YOUR HOME TURF.
EVERYONE AT THE
HOSPITAL LOVES ME.
YES, THEY DO.
BUT, YOU KNOW,
I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE
TO SETTLE FOR NOMAR.
HOLD IT.
DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO?
YOU'RE PROTECTING
YOUR NEW FRIEND NOMAR.
WELL, IT DIDN'T
WORK. COUNT ME IN.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I HAVE TWO DAYS TO GET A BOD.
MAN, I'VE SOLD ALL
SORTS OF CRAP TODAY.
PETE... ALL EYES ARE ON YOU...
'CAUSE YOU'RE
STANDING NEXT TO ME.
YOUR FLY IS DOWN.
I KNOW. WHATEVER IT TAKES.
SO, SHALL WE GO, UH,
PEDDLE OUR GOODS?
YEAH. I'LL CATCH UP
WITH YOU IN A SECOND.
ALL RIGHT.
HEY, DONNELLY, I GOT
A PRESENT FOR YOU.
WHAT'S THAT?
THIS IS TOAST FROM
MY NEW TOASTER.
BUT... BUT LOOK, LOOK.
IT'S NOT CRISPY.
IT'S... NOT CRUNCHY.
YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT
EVEN GOLDEN-BROWN.
WELL, LOOK, IT'S NOT EVEN TOAST.
IT'S BREAD.
YOU SOLD ME A BREADER.
I WAS AFRAID YOU WEREN'T COMING.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
SORRY, SHAR, I PASSED A
MIRROR ON THE WAY OVER.
YOU DO LOOK GREAT.
YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE GUY
WHO'S GOING TO BRING IN MORE
MONEY THAN ANY OTHER BACHELOR.
YOU KNOW HOW I TOLD YOU
PEOPLE WOULD PAY MORE
FOR YOU THAN FOR NOMAR?
THAT, IN THE CHARITY
BUSINESS, IS KNOWN AS A LIE.
YOU SEE, THAT'S WHERE
YOU'RE WRONG, MY FRIEND.
I OWN THIS PLACE. WATCH.
AREN'T YOU GOING TO
INTRODUCE ME TO THESE LADIES?
THIS IS MRS. ELLIOT.
SHE'S ONE OF THE HOSPITAL'S
BIGGEST BENEFACTORS.
HI. DR. MICHAEL BERGEN...
THE MAY TO YOUR DECEMBER.
THAT IS SO CHARMING!
IT'S TOO BAD THIS ISN'T A
BACHELORETTE AUCTION,
BECAUSE I WOULD BE
BIDDING ON YOU, FOXY.
ARE YOU, UH, WILLING
TO TAKE A TURN?
UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH.
SHOW ME THE MONEY.
I'LL SEE YOU ON
THE AUCTION BLOCK.
WEAR YOUR BIFOCALS.
YOU CAN COUNT ON THAT!
OH, MY GOD! THAT'S NOMAR!
OH, GIVE ME A PUSH,
AND I'LL TOUCH HIS BUNS.
YOU SOLD ME A BROKEN TOASTER.
SO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
FINE. I WILL FIX IT!
GOOD!
FOR 20 BUCKS.
Berg: CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT GUY?
LOOK AT HIM HOGGING
THE SPOTLIGHT.
YEAH, I KNOW.
IT SICKENS ME WHEN A SPORTS HERO
TAKES TIME OUT OF
HIS BUSY SCHEDULE
TO RAISE MONEY FOR KIDS.
HE'S JUST HERE
FOR THE PUBLICITY.
I'M HERE SO THE KIDS
CAN GET THEIR NEW...
[LAUGHS]
PONY?
IT'S TO BUILD A NEW
CHILDREN'S WING.
WELL, WE'RE NOT GOING
TO LET THE PONY RUN WILD.
HOW ABOUT I BUY MY TWO
BUDDIES A COUPLE OF DRINKS?
COULD YOU SEND MINE OVER THERE?
I'M GOING TO SAY HI TO NOMAR.
OKAY, WELL, I GUESS IT'S
JUST YOU AND ME, PETE.
OKAY, GO.
THANKS.
BARTENDER... YES, SIR,
WHAT'S YOUR POISON?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
OH, JUST DOING MY
PART FOR CHARITY...
POURING A LITTLE
BOOZE FOR THE KIDS.
POUR ME A DOUBLE.
COME ON, YOU GOT TO GET
OVER THIS NOMAR THING.
HE'S JUST A MAN.
HE TAKES A FASTBALL
IN THE TEMPLE,
HE'S JUST LIKE YOU AND ME.
OH, AND HERE I WAS,
GETTING ALL DOWN ON MYSELF.
THE DRINK... NOW.
I GOT JUST THE THING.
I INVENTED IT MYSELF.
IT'S CALLED... THE GERMINATOR.
WHAT'S IN IT?
OH, I CAN'T TELL YOU, BUT
IT CLEANS WHEN IT FLUSHES.
[GIGGLING]
SO YOU AGREE WITH ME, RIGHT?
IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT SHARON
SOLD JOHNNY'S TACKLE BOX.
HE SHOULD GIVE ME
MY MONEY, RIGHT?
A DEAL IS A DEAL.
NOMAR, IF YOU HAVE A BAD SEASON,
DO YOU GIVE THE OWNERS
THEIR MONEY BACK?
WHICH ANSWER WILL
MAKE YOU GUYS LEAVE?
SORRY, SORRY, SORRY, NOMAR.
WILL YOU GUYS KNOCK IT OFF?
WE ARE HERE TO
HELP SICK CHILDREN.
LET'S TRY TO BE A
LITTLE MORE CHARITABLE.
HI, GUYS. HEY, NOMIE.
NOW, REMEMBER, BABY,
NO MATTER WHO BUYS YOU,
YOU'RE COMING HOME TO ME.
AND, NOMAR... I LIVE DOWNSTAIRS.
SO STOP BY, WE'LL
PLAY SOME STICKBALL.
OH, ASH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I HAVE A DRESS
THAT'S JUST LIKE THAT.
NOT ANYMORE.
[LAUGHING]
YOU SOLD ASHLEY MY DRESS?
I HAD TO.
WE WERE ALL OUT OF TACKLE BOXES.
GERM...[Belches]
I CAN'T FEEL MY LIPS.
YOU'RE IN STAGE ONE, BABY.
HEY, YOU, JUST WANTED TO
WISH YOU GOOD LUCK TONIGHT.
YOU'RE WISHING THE
WRONG GUY LUCK.
HOW MANY OF THOSE HAVE YOU HAD?
I DON'T KNOW.
APPARENTLY, THE GERMINATOR
ATTACKS THE CENTRAL
NERVOUS SYSTEM.
ENTERING STAGE TWO.
OKAY, WELL, I'M GOING
TO THE COAT CHECK.
CALL ME IF YOU NEED
MEDICAL ATTENTION.
I CANNOT GET OVER
HOW GREAT YOU LOOK.
OH, THANK YOU.
HE'S GOT SOME NERVE
SELLING HER MY DRESS.
[Slurring] YOU'RE WISHING
THE WRONG GUY LUCK.
SOLD FOR $1,200!
THANK YOU, DAN.
OKAY!
OUR NEXT HANDSOME
BACHELOR UP FOR AUCTION
IS MR. PETE DUNVILLE!
YES!
PETE SAYS HE'S A PISCES
WHO LIKES GOOD WINE,
INTIMATE DINNERS,
AND WOULD RATHER
LISTEN THAN TALK.
Oh! Here.
OH, UH, "HE'D ALSO
LIKE TO STRESS
"THAT HE'S A FAIR
AND ETHICAL PERSON.
WHEN YOU BUY PETE DUNVILLE,
YOU DON'T GET A BROKEN TOASTER."
WE'LL START THE BIDDING AT $500.
$500, DO I HEAR $550?
I THINK I'M GOING TO BID ON HIM.
HE SEEMS LIKE A NICE BOY.
HE REMINDS ME OF MY GRANDSON.
THEN YOUR GRANDSON'S
A BACKSTABBING LIAR!
ALL RIGHT, THE
BID STANDS AT $900!
GOING ONCE, GOING
TWICE... WHOO! $4,000!
NO. NO.
IRENE, THAT'S VERY
GENEROUS OF YOU.
GOING ONCE, GOING
TWICE... NO! AAH!
SOLD FOR $4,000!
YES!
MAN, I WAS WISHING I'D GET
ONE OF THOSE OLD LADIES.
YOU'RE WISHING THE
WRONG GUY LUCK.
PLEASE WELCOME
OUR NEXT BACHELOR...
DR. MICHAEL BERGEN.
[THUD]
IT'S OKAY!
SAVED THE OLIVE.
OKAY, UM... BERG, AS
HIS FRIENDS CALL HIM,
SAYS HE COULD HAVE BEEN
A PROFESSIONAL BALLPLAYER,
BUT DECIDED INSTEAD
TO DEDICATE HIMSELF
TO SAVING LIVES.
OKAY!
WHO WANTS TO START
THE BIDDING AT $500?
$500?
COME ON, LADIES.
A ROMANTIC EVENING
AT MY PLACE...
CANDLELIGHT...
MUSIC... SOFT FOOD.
$500?
$600.
Berg, you can't bid on yourself.
OKAY, IT'S ONLY $500.
OH, I KNOW WHAT THEY WANT.
DRUMROLL, PLEASE.
WHO'D LIKE A BITE
OF THIS GREEN APPLE?
HA. HA. HA. HA.
A SENSE OF HUMOR... NORMALLY
VERY ATTRACTIVE IN A GUY.
NOW DO I HEAR $400?
$250?
ANYTHING?
LET'S REMEMBER WHY WE'RE HERE.
IT'S A CHARITY, AND A
CHARITY IS TO HELP PEOPLE
THAT ARE LESS FORTUNATE THAN US,
AND, BERG, PUT THE CAKE DOWN!
[Mouth full] LET ME HANDLE THIS.
YOU KNOW...
I MIGHT NOT BE...
THE PRIZED COW
AT THE COUNTY FAIR.
AND I KNOW THAT A LOT OF
YOU DON'T THINK I'M WORTH SPIT.
BUT... BUT I BEG TO DIFFER.
I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT
I'M WORTH TONS OF SPIT.
THERE.
THAT'LL TEACH YOU.
WELL, I GUESS THAT PUTS
AN END TO THE BIDDING.
$100.
SOLD!
THANK YOU, SIR.
HEY, BERG.
WILL YOU TAKE ME FOR
A RIDE IN YOUR CAR?
SURE, TOMORROW, AFTER I
PLAY STICKBALL WITH PETE.
SHARON, HAVE YOU SEEN PETE?
I'VE LOOKED EVERYWHERE.
OH, I'M SORRY, IRENE.
HE LEFT JUST RIGHT
AFTER THE AUCTION.
IF HE WON'T TALK TO
ME, I'M NOT PAYING.
HE'S BEHIND THE BAR.
SHARON, IRENE IS
NOT BACK HERE...
THERE YOU ARE!
OH, GOODY! COME ON, PETE.
I WANT TO DRIVE UP
AND SEE MY PARENTS.
THEY KEEP ASKING WHEN
THEY'RE GOING TO MEET YOU.
HOW SICK ARE THESE CHILDREN?
WELL, I GUESS I'LL SEE
YOU SATURDAY, THEN.
YOU DID A GREAT
JOB TONIGHT, SHARON.
THANK YOU. WE
RAISED A LOT OF MONEY.
THAT'S THE FIRST
TIME IN A LONG TIME
THAT I ACTUALLY FEEL
GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.
I JUST WANT TO APOLOGIZE
FOR MY BEHAVIOR.
IT'S OKAY, BERG.
I KNOW DEEP IN MY HEART
YOU'RE GOING TO FIND SOMEBODY
THAT'S JUST PERFECT FOR YOU.
YEAH, WE'LL SEE
HOW SATURDAY GOES.
CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY 20th
CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
TO THE FUNDRAISING COMMITTEE
AT THE CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL!
YOU'RE REALLY
BEING A GOOD PERSON.
I DON'T GET IT.
YOU LET US KNOW WHAT
WE CAN DO TO HELP.
ACTUALLY, UM, I'M ORGANIZING
A CHARITY BACHELORS' AUCTION.
OH, I'M AVAILABLE ANYTIME.
ALL RIGHT!
AFTER THAT THING!
OH, BERG, PLEASE.
ABSOLUTELY NOT. I KNOW
HOW THESE THINGS WORK, OKAY?
A BUNCH OF DESPERATE WIDOWS
SLOBBERING ALL OVER YOU.
PETE?
YEAH, IT SOUNDS GOOD.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
WHO IS IT?
Woman: IRENE!
IT'S IRENE.
HI!
WHERE'S PETE?
OH, HE'S NOT HERE.
I THOUGHT I HEARD HIS VOICE.
WELL, WHEN SHARON
AND I ANSWER TOGETHER...
IT SOUNDS LIKE PETE.
DO YOU THINK IT
WOULD BE ALL RIGHT
IF I BORROWED SOME OF
PETE'S CLOTHES TO SLEEP IN?
NO.
NO HARM ASKING.
IRENE, I GOT YOUR CAT.
I FOUND THE RASCAL IN MY PLANTS.
NO, NO!
HE'S JUST A LITTLE CUTIE.
THANK YOU.
OH, YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE CUTIE!
AND SHE'S JUST A LITTLE CREEPY.
ASHLEY HAS BEEN
REALLY NICE LATELY...
EVER SINCE SHE GOT
A NEW BOYFRIEND.
OOH! ASHLEY HAS A NEW BOYFRIEND?
WHO IS HE?
I DON'T KNOW.
HERE'S ONE OF PETE'S
SOCKS FOR YOUR TROUBLE.
SHARON, HOW MANY
WEDDINGS HAVE YOU BEEN IN?
THERE'S, LIKE, FIVE
BRIDESMAIDS' DRESSES HERE.
EVERYTHING'S GOT TO GO.
YOU SURE? WHAT IF BUTT
UGLY COMES BACK INTO STYLE?
HEY, I JUST DON'T NEED
ANY OF THIS STUFF ANYMORE.
I AM CLEANSING MYSELF OF
THE OLD MATERIALISTIC ME.
AND WHILE SHE'S CLEANSING,
I'M MAKING OUT LIKE A BANDIT.
JOHNNY, THIS THING DOESN'T
WORK. I WANT MY MONEY BACK.
SORRY, PETE. ALL SALES FINAL.
BUT, JOHNNY, I ASKED
YOU... BUT NOTHING.
HEY, YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO WOULDN'T BUY
THE EXTENDED
WARRANTY FOR 50 CENTS.
JOHNNY, IT'S NOT FAIR.
AT LEAST THROW IN
THAT FISHING POLE.
WHAT FISHING POLE?
YOU'RE SELLING MY FISHING POLE?
BABY, WE AGREED.
WE'RE CHANGING OUR LIVES.
I'M NOT CHANGING.
YOU'RE CHANGING.
I WAS ALREADY GOOD.
YOU HAVEN'T BEEN
FISHING FOR MONTHS.
I WENT LAST WEEKEND.
YES, AND YOU WERE GONE ALL DAY!
THIS IS MINE.
IT GOES BACK IN THE
CLOSET WITH MY TACKLE BOX.
HEY, IS A TACKLE BOX SOMETHING
THAT'S SQUARE AND SMELLY
THAT YOU COULD SELL
QUICK FOR ABOUT 7 BUCKS?
YEAH.
SWEETIE, WE HAVEN'T
HUGGED IN A WHILE!
[VEHICLE APPROACHES]
OH, VIPER... NICE CAR!
YEAH, TRY GETTING
GROCERIES IN IT.
WAIT, WAIT. HOLD ON.
THAT'S ASHLEY AND
HER NEW BOYFRIEND.
"OH, LOOK AT ME. I
HAVE SO MUCH MONEY."
WHAT A LOSER.
OF COURSE HE IS. WHO
ELSE WOULD DATE ASHLEY?
HEY.
THANKS. I HAD FUN.
HEY, PETE.
GOD, ISN'T IT A BEAUTIFUL DAY?
I DON'T KNOW.
WHY DON'T YOU GO
AWAY, AND I'LL FIND OUT?
YOU ARE SO FUNNY!
AAH! BERG, IT BURNS!
SO, I HEAR YOU GOT A
NEW BOYFRIEND, HUH?
YOU MIGHT REMEMBER HIM.
HE WAS ENTERTAINING
KIDS IN PEDIATRICS.
OH, THE FAT CLOWN.
CONGRATULATIONS.
NO, THE, UM, OTHER ONE.
NOMAR GARCIAPARRA?
HUH.
WHO WOULD HAVE
THOUGHT THERE WERE
TWO NOMAR GARCIAPARRAS
IN THE WORLD?
ONE'S THE FAMOUS
BASEBALL PLAYER,
AND THE OTHER
ONE'S NOT TOO PICKY.
[LAUGHING]
PETE...
OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE DATING
NOMAR GARCIAPARRA?
BERG, DID YOU HEAR THAT?
WELL, IT'S HARD NOT TO,
WHEN YOU SQUEAL LIKE
A LITTLE SCHOOLGIRL.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?
WE GET TO HANG OUT WITH NOMAR
AND HE'LL GIVE US BOX SEATS,
AND WHAT'S THE CUTOFF
AGE FOR BATBOYS?
ASHLEY!
OH, MY GOD! IT'S HIM! IT'S HIM!
HOW DO I LOOK? HOW DO I LOOK?
I GOT HALFWAY DOWN THE BLOCK
AND NOTICED YOU
FORGOT YOUR PURSE.
OH, THANKS, NOMIE.
SO, HEY, THIS IS PETE,
AND THIS IS BERG.
BERG?
HA HA. THAT'S A FUNNY NAME.
IT IS A FUNNY NAME,
NOMAR. YOU'RE THE BEST!
HEY, MAN.
WHAT'S UP, GERM?
I REALLY WANT TO THANK YOU
FOR GETTING ME THIS ORDERLY GIG.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
SO, HOW LONG DO I
HAVE TO WORK HERE
BEFORE THEY MAKE ME A DOCTOR?
WELL, UH... WELL, IT'S
A SENIORITY SYSTEM.
BUT I'LL TELL YOU, THE
NEXT DOCTOR THAT DIES...
YOU'RE IN.
COOL.
HEY. WHOA, ASH,
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
IT'S THE MIDDLE OF OUR SHIFT.
THEY'RE LETTING ME OFF EARLY.
BUT IT... WE'RE SWAMPED TODAY.
I FEEL BAD, BUT NOMAR IS
GETTING HIS ESPY AWARD,
SO THE OTHER DOCTORS
AGREED TO COVER FOR ME.
NOMAR? ESPY AWARDS?
BERG, DID YOU HEAR THAT?
YOUR OLD BETTY'S GOING
OUT WITH A BASEBALL STUD!
YES, I'VE HEARD.
THAT GUY'S A STAR. OH,
YOU REALLY TRADED UP.
THANK YOU, GERM.
YOU DUMPED HER, AND NOW
YOUR EX-BETTY IS THE QUEEN BETTY.
SHE'S THE LEADER OF ALL
BETTYS IN THE FREE WORLD.
ARE YOU GOING TO LET
HIM CALL YOU A BETTY?
IT WOULD BOTHER ME IF I
WEREN'T THE QUEEN BETTY.
[LAUGHS]
OH, MAN, SHE'S FUNNY.
HEY, SHARON.
HEY, IRENE. SEE
ANYTHING YOU LIKE?
OH, A GARAGE SALE!
THIS REMINDS ME OF WHEN MY MOM
USED TO TAKE ME
SHOPPING FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
OH!
OH, MY GOD.
WHERE DID YOU GET THESE
BEAUTIFULLY COLORED DRESSES?
OH, ARE THEY FOR SALE, OR
ARE THEY JUST FOR SHOW?
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
THEY'RE FOR SALE.
THEN I'M THE LUCKY LEPRECHAUN
AT THE END OF THIS
BEAUTIFUL RAINBOW.
GUESS I BETTER TAKE
THEM ALL. HOW MUCH?
UH, FIVE.
HUNDRED?
$500?
YOU SAID IT... $500!
NO TAKE-BACKS!
SHOOT! YOU GOT
ME THERE. I SAID IT.
YOU WANT TO JUST
WRITE ME A CHECK?
I DON'T BELIEVE IN BANKS.
THEY GET ROBBED ALL THE TIME.
I HIDE ALL MY MONEY
IN MY JEWELRY BOX.
HEY!
OH, HI, BERG!
LOOK AT THESE PRETTY
DRESSES I BOUGHT!
IT'S LIKE I WAS PRACTICALLY
IN THE WEDDINGS!
YOU ARE TOO SAD.
OH, YOU TEASE!
WHAT'S WITH YOU?
NOTHING. IT'S ASHLEY'S
NEW BOYFRIEND.
EVERYONE THINKS HE'S SO GREAT
JUST 'CAUSE HE'S
A BASEBALL PLAYER.
NO, HE'S A REALLY GREAT GUY.
HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?
WE ALL WENT OUT TO
DINNER THE OTHER NIGHT
AND HE PAID FOR EVERYTHING...
BIG HIT WITH JOHNNY.
HE WAS GREAT WITH
THOSE KIDS IN THE HOSPITAL.
OH, REALLY? DID HE HEAL THEM?
'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT I DO.
YEAH, OF COURSE.
BECAUSE WHAT YOU DO
IS MUCH MORE IMPORTANT
THAN WHAT HE DOES.
YES, THAT'S WHAT
I'VE BEEN SAYING.
THAT'S WHY YOU'RE THE PERFECT
GUY TO FILL THE LAST SLOT
IN THE BACHELOR AUCTION.
I'M NOT GOING TO BE
DOING THE AUCTION, OKAY?
GIVE YOU A CHANCE TO
COMPETE WITH NOMAR.
NOMAR'S IN IT?
HE'S GOING TO BE
ON YOUR HOME TURF.
EVERYONE AT THE
HOSPITAL LOVES ME.
YES, THEY DO.
BUT, YOU KNOW,
I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE
TO SETTLE FOR NOMAR.
HOLD IT.
DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO?
YOU'RE PROTECTING
YOUR NEW FRIEND NOMAR.
WELL, IT DIDN'T
WORK. COUNT ME IN.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I HAVE TWO DAYS TO GET A BOD.
MAN, I'VE SOLD ALL
SORTS OF CRAP TODAY.
PETE... ALL EYES ARE ON YOU...
'CAUSE YOU'RE
STANDING NEXT TO ME.
YOUR FLY IS DOWN.
I KNOW. WHATEVER IT TAKES.
SO, SHALL WE GO, UH,
PEDDLE OUR GOODS?
YEAH. I'LL CATCH UP
WITH YOU IN A SECOND.
ALL RIGHT.
HEY, DONNELLY, I GOT
A PRESENT FOR YOU.
WHAT'S THAT?
THIS IS TOAST FROM
MY NEW TOASTER.
BUT... BUT LOOK, LOOK.
IT'S NOT CRISPY.
IT'S... NOT CRUNCHY.
YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT
EVEN GOLDEN-BROWN.
WELL, LOOK, IT'S NOT EVEN TOAST.
IT'S BREAD.
YOU SOLD ME A BREADER.
I WAS AFRAID YOU WEREN'T COMING.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
SORRY, SHAR, I PASSED A
MIRROR ON THE WAY OVER.
YOU DO LOOK GREAT.
YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE GUY
WHO'S GOING TO BRING IN MORE
MONEY THAN ANY OTHER BACHELOR.
YOU KNOW HOW I TOLD YOU
PEOPLE WOULD PAY MORE
FOR YOU THAN FOR NOMAR?
THAT, IN THE CHARITY
BUSINESS, IS KNOWN AS A LIE.
YOU SEE, THAT'S WHERE
YOU'RE WRONG, MY FRIEND.
I OWN THIS PLACE. WATCH.
AREN'T YOU GOING TO
INTRODUCE ME TO THESE LADIES?
THIS IS MRS. ELLIOT.
SHE'S ONE OF THE HOSPITAL'S
BIGGEST BENEFACTORS.
HI. DR. MICHAEL BERGEN...
THE MAY TO YOUR DECEMBER.
THAT IS SO CHARMING!
IT'S TOO BAD THIS ISN'T A
BACHELORETTE AUCTION,
BECAUSE I WOULD BE
BIDDING ON YOU, FOXY.
ARE YOU, UH, WILLING
TO TAKE A TURN?
UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH.
SHOW ME THE MONEY.
I'LL SEE YOU ON
THE AUCTION BLOCK.
WEAR YOUR BIFOCALS.
YOU CAN COUNT ON THAT!
OH, MY GOD! THAT'S NOMAR!
OH, GIVE ME A PUSH,
AND I'LL TOUCH HIS BUNS.
YOU SOLD ME A BROKEN TOASTER.
SO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
FINE. I WILL FIX IT!
GOOD!
FOR 20 BUCKS.
Berg: CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT GUY?
LOOK AT HIM HOGGING
THE SPOTLIGHT.
YEAH, I KNOW.
IT SICKENS ME WHEN A SPORTS HERO
TAKES TIME OUT OF
HIS BUSY SCHEDULE
TO RAISE MONEY FOR KIDS.
HE'S JUST HERE
FOR THE PUBLICITY.
I'M HERE SO THE KIDS
CAN GET THEIR NEW...
[LAUGHS]
PONY?
IT'S TO BUILD A NEW
CHILDREN'S WING.
WELL, WE'RE NOT GOING
TO LET THE PONY RUN WILD.
HOW ABOUT I BUY MY TWO
BUDDIES A COUPLE OF DRINKS?
COULD YOU SEND MINE OVER THERE?
I'M GOING TO SAY HI TO NOMAR.
OKAY, WELL, I GUESS IT'S
JUST YOU AND ME, PETE.
OKAY, GO.
THANKS.
BARTENDER... YES, SIR,
WHAT'S YOUR POISON?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
OH, JUST DOING MY
PART FOR CHARITY...
POURING A LITTLE
BOOZE FOR THE KIDS.
POUR ME A DOUBLE.
COME ON, YOU GOT TO GET
OVER THIS NOMAR THING.
HE'S JUST A MAN.
HE TAKES A FASTBALL
IN THE TEMPLE,
HE'S JUST LIKE YOU AND ME.
OH, AND HERE I WAS,
GETTING ALL DOWN ON MYSELF.
THE DRINK... NOW.
I GOT JUST THE THING.
I INVENTED IT MYSELF.
IT'S CALLED... THE GERMINATOR.
WHAT'S IN IT?
OH, I CAN'T TELL YOU, BUT
IT CLEANS WHEN IT FLUSHES.
[GIGGLING]
SO YOU AGREE WITH ME, RIGHT?
IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT SHARON
SOLD JOHNNY'S TACKLE BOX.
HE SHOULD GIVE ME
MY MONEY, RIGHT?
A DEAL IS A DEAL.
NOMAR, IF YOU HAVE A BAD SEASON,
DO YOU GIVE THE OWNERS
THEIR MONEY BACK?
WHICH ANSWER WILL
MAKE YOU GUYS LEAVE?
SORRY, SORRY, SORRY, NOMAR.
WILL YOU GUYS KNOCK IT OFF?
WE ARE HERE TO
HELP SICK CHILDREN.
LET'S TRY TO BE A
LITTLE MORE CHARITABLE.
HI, GUYS. HEY, NOMIE.
NOW, REMEMBER, BABY,
NO MATTER WHO BUYS YOU,
YOU'RE COMING HOME TO ME.
AND, NOMAR... I LIVE DOWNSTAIRS.
SO STOP BY, WE'LL
PLAY SOME STICKBALL.
OH, ASH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I HAVE A DRESS
THAT'S JUST LIKE THAT.
NOT ANYMORE.
[LAUGHING]
YOU SOLD ASHLEY MY DRESS?
I HAD TO.
WE WERE ALL OUT OF TACKLE BOXES.
GERM...[Belches]
I CAN'T FEEL MY LIPS.
YOU'RE IN STAGE ONE, BABY.
HEY, YOU, JUST WANTED TO
WISH YOU GOOD LUCK TONIGHT.
YOU'RE WISHING THE
WRONG GUY LUCK.
HOW MANY OF THOSE HAVE YOU HAD?
I DON'T KNOW.
APPARENTLY, THE GERMINATOR
ATTACKS THE CENTRAL
NERVOUS SYSTEM.
ENTERING STAGE TWO.
OKAY, WELL, I'M GOING
TO THE COAT CHECK.
CALL ME IF YOU NEED
MEDICAL ATTENTION.
I CANNOT GET OVER
HOW GREAT YOU LOOK.
OH, THANK YOU.
HE'S GOT SOME NERVE
SELLING HER MY DRESS.
[Slurring] YOU'RE WISHING
THE WRONG GUY LUCK.
SOLD FOR $1,200!
THANK YOU, DAN.
OKAY!
OUR NEXT HANDSOME
BACHELOR UP FOR AUCTION
IS MR. PETE DUNVILLE!
YES!
PETE SAYS HE'S A PISCES
WHO LIKES GOOD WINE,
INTIMATE DINNERS,
AND WOULD RATHER
LISTEN THAN TALK.
Oh! Here.
OH, UH, "HE'D ALSO
LIKE TO STRESS
"THAT HE'S A FAIR
AND ETHICAL PERSON.
WHEN YOU BUY PETE DUNVILLE,
YOU DON'T GET A BROKEN TOASTER."
WE'LL START THE BIDDING AT $500.
$500, DO I HEAR $550?
I THINK I'M GOING TO BID ON HIM.
HE SEEMS LIKE A NICE BOY.
HE REMINDS ME OF MY GRANDSON.
THEN YOUR GRANDSON'S
A BACKSTABBING LIAR!
ALL RIGHT, THE
BID STANDS AT $900!
GOING ONCE, GOING
TWICE... WHOO! $4,000!
NO. NO.
IRENE, THAT'S VERY
GENEROUS OF YOU.
GOING ONCE, GOING
TWICE... NO! AAH!
SOLD FOR $4,000!
YES!
MAN, I WAS WISHING I'D GET
ONE OF THOSE OLD LADIES.
YOU'RE WISHING THE
WRONG GUY LUCK.
PLEASE WELCOME
OUR NEXT BACHELOR...
DR. MICHAEL BERGEN.
[THUD]
IT'S OKAY!
SAVED THE OLIVE.
OKAY, UM... BERG, AS
HIS FRIENDS CALL HIM,
SAYS HE COULD HAVE BEEN
A PROFESSIONAL BALLPLAYER,
BUT DECIDED INSTEAD
TO DEDICATE HIMSELF
TO SAVING LIVES.
OKAY!
WHO WANTS TO START
THE BIDDING AT $500?
$500?
COME ON, LADIES.
A ROMANTIC EVENING
AT MY PLACE...
CANDLELIGHT...
MUSIC... SOFT FOOD.
$500?
$600.
Berg, you can't bid on yourself.
OKAY, IT'S ONLY $500.
OH, I KNOW WHAT THEY WANT.
DRUMROLL, PLEASE.
WHO'D LIKE A BITE
OF THIS GREEN APPLE?
HA. HA. HA. HA.
A SENSE OF HUMOR... NORMALLY
VERY ATTRACTIVE IN A GUY.
NOW DO I HEAR $400?
$250?
ANYTHING?
LET'S REMEMBER WHY WE'RE HERE.
IT'S A CHARITY, AND A
CHARITY IS TO HELP PEOPLE
THAT ARE LESS FORTUNATE THAN US,
AND, BERG, PUT THE CAKE DOWN!
[Mouth full] LET ME HANDLE THIS.
YOU KNOW...
I MIGHT NOT BE...
THE PRIZED COW
AT THE COUNTY FAIR.
AND I KNOW THAT A LOT OF
YOU DON'T THINK I'M WORTH SPIT.
BUT... BUT I BEG TO DIFFER.
I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT
I'M WORTH TONS OF SPIT.
THERE.
THAT'LL TEACH YOU.
WELL, I GUESS THAT PUTS
AN END TO THE BIDDING.
$100.
SOLD!
THANK YOU, SIR.
HEY, BERG.
WILL YOU TAKE ME FOR
A RIDE IN YOUR CAR?
SURE, TOMORROW, AFTER I
PLAY STICKBALL WITH PETE.
SHARON, HAVE YOU SEEN PETE?
I'VE LOOKED EVERYWHERE.
OH, I'M SORRY, IRENE.
HE LEFT JUST RIGHT
AFTER THE AUCTION.
IF HE WON'T TALK TO
ME, I'M NOT PAYING.
HE'S BEHIND THE BAR.
SHARON, IRENE IS
NOT BACK HERE...
THERE YOU ARE!
OH, GOODY! COME ON, PETE.
I WANT TO DRIVE UP
AND SEE MY PARENTS.
THEY KEEP ASKING WHEN
THEY'RE GOING TO MEET YOU.
HOW SICK ARE THESE CHILDREN?
WELL, I GUESS I'LL SEE
YOU SATURDAY, THEN.
YOU DID A GREAT
JOB TONIGHT, SHARON.
THANK YOU. WE
RAISED A LOT OF MONEY.
THAT'S THE FIRST
TIME IN A LONG TIME
THAT I ACTUALLY FEEL
GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.
I JUST WANT TO APOLOGIZE
FOR MY BEHAVIOR.
IT'S OKAY, BERG.
I KNOW DEEP IN MY HEART
YOU'RE GOING TO FIND SOMEBODY
THAT'S JUST PERFECT FOR YOU.
YEAH, WE'LL SEE
HOW SATURDAY GOES.
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