Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 3, Episode 15 - The Wedding Dress - full transcript

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS, BERG!

I CAN'T BELIEVE I CAME DOWN
HERE TO BORROW A PLUNGER,

AND I WOUND UP IN YOUR BEDROOM.

DON'T BLAME YOURSELF.

I BLAME YOU. WE AGREED
NOT TO DO THIS ANYMORE.

I DIDN'T PLAN IT.

YEAH, RIGHT.

"BERG, CAN I BORROW A PLUNGER?"

"SURE, ASH. LET ME JUST
PUT ON SOME MARVIN GAYE

WHILE WE LOOK FOR IT."

I KNOW, I KNOW. I'M SORRY.



IF YOU WERE SORRY, YOU
WOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

I'M NOT REALLY SORRY.

BERG, WE ARE
SUPPOSED TO BE FRIENDS.

FIRST YOU DUMP ME
FOR NO GOOD REASON,

AND NOW YOU'RE
MESSING WITH MY HEAD.

IT'S NOT NICE!

SHE NEVER WAS MUCH
OF A CUDDLER, WAS SHE?

YOU KNOW, SHE'S RIGHT.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

I CAN'T DATE RIGHT.

I CAN'T BREAK UP RIGHT.

I SHOULDN'T BE WITH ANYONE.

I GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME.



I HAVE TO BE STOPPED, AND
I'M JUST THE GUY TO DO IT.

GOOD FOR YOU, BERG.

YEAH, YOU KNOW, I'LL
JUST HANG OUT WITH YOU.

WE'LL GET A BIG-SCREEN
TV, A COUPLE OF RECLINERS...

LIVE OUT THE REST
OF OUR DAYS IN PEACE.

NO MORE WOMEN! YOU WITH ME?

ONE SEC.

HI.

NO.

BOY, THIS PLACE
WAS BUSY LAST NIGHT.

HI, BABY.

HEY, FOUND SOMETHING FOR YOU.

WHAT IS IT?

THEY'RE HAVING A BIG
WEDDING-DRESS SALE.

I DIDN'T KNOW THERE
WAS SUCH A THING.

[CHUCKLES] THAT'S A RIOT!

ACTUALLY, I WAS THINKING YOU
MIGHT WANT TO CHECK IT OUT.

JOHNNY...

I SPENT FOUR MONTHS
PICKING OUT MY WEDDING DRESS.

IT'S A COCO VOCE.

A COCO VOCE!

WELL, IT'S STRAINING OUR BUDGET.

STRAINING OUR BUDGET!

THEN I'LL JUST
HAVE TO ASK MY DAD

TO CHIP IN A LITTLE MORE.

HE'S PAYING FOR THE CHURCH,
THE HALL, AND THE CATERING.

THEN I'LL JUST HAVE TO DIP
INTO THE HOUSE ACCOUNT.

AGAIN... NO.

JUST AS MY PRIDE WON'T ALLOW
ME TO GO TO YOUR FATHER,

YOUR PRIDE WON'T ALLOW
YOU TO DIP INTO THE NEST EGG.

[LAUGHS] IT WON'T?

YOU'RE WAY TOO PROUD.

WELL, THEN, WHAT
ARE WE GONNA DO?

JOHNNY, STOP FOOLING AROUND!

LET ME PUT THIS INTO
PERSPECTIVE FOR YOU.

YOU BUY THAT DRESS,

AND WE CAN'T AFFORD
TO INVITE MY FAMILY.

[SIGHS] HEY!

NO!

WHAT IS SO IMPORTANT
ABOUT THIS DRESS?

BECAUSE THIS DRESS IS
GONNA MAKE THE WEDDING!

EVERYBODY IS
FOCUSED ON THE BRIDE.

DON'T YOU WANT ME
TO LOOK PERFECT?

SWEETIE, YOU WOULD LOOK PERFECT

IF YOU CAME TO THE
WEDDING WEARING OVERALLS.

I WANT OUR WEDDING

TO LOOK DIFFERENT
FROM YOUR SISTER'S.

JUST THINK ABOUT IT.

[SIGHS] ALL RIGHT.

BUT I WAS JUST THINKING...

MY FAMILY IS COMING. OKAY, OKAY.

[SIGHS]

I THINK I'M GONNA CALL JULIE.

YOU JUST SAW HER THIS
MORNING. WANT MY ADVICE?

[LAUGHS]

WHAT?

I JUST SAW YOUR
"ALLEGED" EX-GIRLFRIEND

FLEE YOUR APARTMENT,

HIT YOU OVER THE
HEAD WITH A PLUNGER,

AND YOU'RE ASKING ME
IF I WANT YOUR ADVICE?

IT'S JUST FUNNY.

HEY, SHARON.

HEY, I NEED YOUR ADVICE.

ASK BERG. HE'S ON A ROLL.

I GOT TO MAKE A CALL.

LOOK AT THIS DRESS
STUNNING, RIGHT?

YEAH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

THIS IS THE ONE I'VE BEEN
DREAMING ABOUT WEARING.

BUT JOHNNY WANTS ME
TO GET A DRESS AT THIS...

SALE.

I MEAN, WHO BUYS A
WEDDING DRESS AT A SALE!

I BOUGHT A SWEATER ON SALE ONCE,

AND I CAN'T EXPLAIN
IT, BUT... PEOPLE KNEW!

THE BLUE KNIT?

OKAY, I SEE. I'M
SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.

OKAY, BYE-BYE.

THIS IS TERRIBLE!

I WROTE HER NUMBER DOWN WRONG.

REMEMBER WHEN I DIDN'T
WANT A GUY TO CALL ME?

I'D GIVE HIM THE NUMBER
TO THE GAY MEN'S CHORUS.

[LAUGHS] [LAUGHS]

IT'S A BAD TIME FOR
THAT STORY, SHAR.

[WHIRRING]

WHOO-HOO, YEAH! DISPOSAL'S SHOT.

I'LL JUST SWITCH IT
FOR THE NEW ONE.

GOD, SHARON'S SO
LUCKY TO HAVE YOU.

THAT'S WHAT I KEEP TELLING HER.

I'VE ALWAYS DATED SMART GUYS

WHO COULDN'T
CHANGE A LIGHT BULB.

I REALLY ENVY REGULAR PEOPLE.

I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A
CHANCE TO REPHRASE THAT.

DON'T TAKE IT THE WRONG WAY!

I'M JUST SAYING...

YOU'RE NOT COMPLICATED.
YOU'RE SIMPLE.

I LIKE THAT.

I MEANT REPHRASE IT NICER.

WHY ARE YOU BEING SO SENSITIVE?

YOU'RE HANDY.

THAT'S A GOOD THING.

I MEAN, I COULDN'T
FIX THIS SINK.

WELL, I COULD IF I HAD
A BOOK OR SOMETHING.

HEY, IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S PHYSICS.

BUT I DON'T HAVE
TO... YOU'RE HERE.

WELL, NOT ANYMORE.

W-W-W-W-WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

FIX IT YOURSELF.

JOHNNY, COME BACK! YOU'RE SMART!

I'M SURE YOU KNOW LOTS OF
THINGS I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT.

THANK YOU.

THAT'S 13 JULIE SUTTON'S
DOWN, ONE TO GO.

A DEPARTMENT STORE IS
NEVER GONNA HAVE MY DRESS.

THEN YOU'LL JUST
GET ANOTHER ONE,

AND THAT'LL BE YOUR DRESS.

HEY! YOU'RE NOT BEING
A VERY GOOD GIRLFRIEND.

BERG, HELP.

LOOK AT ALL THE WOMEN
I'M NOT GONNA MARRY.

IT'S RINGING.

I LURED THEM IN

WITH MY DAZZLING
CHARM AND A QUICK WIT,

BUT IT'S NOT FAIR

BECAUSE IN THE END,
I'M JUST A HEARTBREAKER.

I AM.

HELLO, IS THIS JULIE SUTTON?

THIS IS PETE.

DID YOU SLEEP
WITH ME LAST NIGHT?

WELL, NO.

I THINK I WROTE DOWN
HER NUMBER WRONG.

NO, SHE DID NOT BLOW ME OFF!

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE UP?

I APPRECIATE YOUR OPTIMISM,
BUT [CHUCKLES] REALLY!

SHARON, SHE DID NOT BLOW ME OFF.

LAST NIGHT WAS
ABOUT SOMETHING REAL.

EVERY WOMAN YOU MEET,

YOU RUN AROUND SAYING,
"SHE AND I CONNECTED."

I'M TELLING YOU, GUYS,
THIS TIME IT WAS DIFFERENT.

HOW?

SHE AND I HAD A CONNECTION.

REMEMBER WHEN YOU MET
JOHNNY? YOU JUST KNEW, RIGHT?

YEAH.

AND BERG, YOU KNEW WHEN...

WHEN YOU SAW THAT BELT
YOU'RE WEARING, RIGHT?

I APPRECIATE YOU TRYING TO
KEEP ME IN THE CONVERSATION.

WHEN AM I GOING TO
MEET A GIRL LIKE THAT...

THERE SHE IS!

JULIE, IT'S PETE!

JULIE!

JULIE!

I WROTE YOUR NUMBER DOWN WRONG!

JULIE!

JULIE!

Julie.

HI.

IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.

Man on television:
THE FIRST STEP...

WE LOCATE THE O-RING
AND THEN RELEASE IT.

O-RING?

OH, WELL, LOOK AT THAT!

IT LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE "O."

[Deep voice] SO EASY.

STEP TWO... AFTER WE'VE
RELEASED THE O-RING,

IT SHOULD ALLOW US

TO FREELY TURN THE
HOUSING COUNTERCLOCKWISE.

FREELY TURNING, TIM.

OW!

STEP THREE... THE
GARBAGE DISPOSAL

SHOULD EASILY COME
UNFASTENED FROM THE HOUSING.

EASE UP, TIM! I'M
STILL ON STEP TWO!

AND REMEMBER -

WE NEED TO REMOVE ANY
BRACELETS OR WATCHES

THAT MIGHT GET CAUGH.

WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULD
HAVE MADE THAT STEP ONE, TIM.

HEY, LOOK AT US!

WE'RE PLUMBER!

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD!

HEY, DOES ANYONE ELSE
THINK MANNEQUINS ARE HOT?

THAT'S MY DRESS!

THAT'S MY DRESS! YES!

MY WEDDING IS SAVED!

[LAUGHS]

UH-OH.

THEY'RE TAKING MY DRESS.

SOMEBODY'S TAKING MY DRESS!

QUICK, DO SOMETHING!

LIKE WHAT?

THROW PETE THROUGH THE WINDOW!

CALM DOWN. WE'LL INTERCEPT IT.

IT'S LOCKED.

THERE MUST BE ANOTHER ENTRANCE.

OKAY...

PETE, GET IN THERE AND
START BREAKING WIND.

Berg: OKAY!

THERE'S... THERE'S MY MANNEQUIN!

OKAY, WE CAN MAKE IT! EXCUSE ME!

IF YOU EVEN THINK
OF PUSHING PAST ME,

I'LL TIE MY BOUQUET WITH
YOUR SMALL INTESTINES!

Pete: GO, GO, GO!

OH!

OH, NO!

THIS WAS NO BOATING ACCIDENT!

[RINGING]

HELP!

[RINGING CONTINUES]

OH, GOD! COME ON, COME ON!

Ashley: HI. I'M HOME,
BUT I'M SCREENING.

IF YOU MAKE THE
CUT, I'LL PICK IT UP.

[ BEEP]

Ashley, it's Johnny. Pick up.

YES, JOHNNY, HELP ME!

I left my pliers up there.

YES, YES!

YOU'RE PLIERS ARE
HERE! COME GET THEM!

But evidently, I
didn't make the cut.

[ BEEP]

OH!

COME ON! WE GOTTA
FIND THAT DRESS!

[SNARLING]

IS THIS IT?

I WOULDN'T WASH
MY CAR WITH THAT!

HERE YOU ARE. YOU'RE
GONNA MAKE A LOVELY BRIDE.

JUST REMEMBER IT'S
GOT A BEADED BODICE.

SHARON, I KNOW!

I SAW THE DRESS TWO MINUTES AGO!

WHAT COLOR WAS IT?

LISTEN... YOU STAY
HERE WITH HIM,

AND I'M GONNA LOOK ON THE
OTHER SIDE OF THE STORE.

WHAT THE HELL'S A BEADED BODICE?

JULIE!

PETE.

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU,

AND I WROTE YOUR
NUMBER DOWN WRONG.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
AT A WEDDING SALE?

IS YOUR SISTER GETTING MARRIED?

NO.

YOUR MOM?

NO.

YOU'RE GOING TO A WEDDING...

YOU WANT TO SHOW UP THE BRIDE?

NO?

OH, MY GOD.

BERG... THAT
WOMAN... THERE IT IS!

BODICE, HO!

SHUT UP!

JUST GO GET IT!

WHY SHOULD I GO
GET IT? YOU GO GET IT.

I'VE SEEN YOU AT WORK.

YOU COULD TALK A
WOMAN OUT OF A DRESS.

FOR ONCE, USE YOUR
POWERS FOR GOOD!

I CAN'T JUST TURN IT
ON AND OFF LIKE THAT.

I NEED A COUPLE OF DRINKS IN ME.

YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE,

I JUST GUESS YOU
HAVE TO DO IT YOURSELF!

GOD, WHAT I'D GIVE
FOR AN OPPOSABLE TOE.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

OH! COME IN!

COME IN, COME IN, COME IN!

OH, JOHNNY, THANK GOD!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

MY WATCH GOT STUCK.

[CHUCKLES]

YOU'RE KIDDING.

WELL, YOU'RE NOT
SUPPOSED TO WEAR JEWELRY

WHEN YOU WORK ON PLUMBING.

YEAH.

YOU CAN'T SEE IT, BUT
I'M SHOWING YOU A FINGER.

I CAN TAKE CARE OF THAT.

[Shrieking] NO, NO, NO!

[PANTING]

SO, YOU'VE BEEN HERE ALL DAY.

YOU MUST REALLY HAVE
TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

I'M TRYING NOT
TO THINK ABOUT IT.

I CAN'T BLAME YOU.

JOHNNY... JOHNNY, WHY
ARE YOU BEING LIKE THIS?

LIKE WHAT?

SIMPLE?

I THOUGHT YOU SAID
THAT WAS A GOOD THING?

HMM... JOHNNY CONFUSED.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

I WANT YOU TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY

AND ADMIT YOU'RE A SNOB.

BUT I'M NOT!

FINE... HAVE IT YOUR WAY.

JOHNNY, I'M NOT!

I'M NOT!

I IMAGINE YOU MUST BE
PRETTY HUNGRY, TOO.

OH, DELICIOUS!

I WAS JUST A ONE-NIGHT STAND
BEFORE YOU GOT MARRIED?

YOU USED ME!

NO, PETE, IT WAS MORE THAN THAT.

LOOK, I DIDN'T MEAN
FOR THIS TO HAPPEN,

BUT IT'S JUST THERE WAS
THIS FEELING BETWEEN US.

COULD IT BE DESCRIBED
AS A "CONNECTION?"

YES.

ALL RIGHT. SO I'M
NOT OUT OF MY MIND.

NOT AT ALL.

I JUST COULDN'T GIVE YOU
MY NUMBER BECAUSE, WELL,

MY FIANCé IS A LITTLE PARANOID.

IMAGINE THAT.

HEY, GUYS!

SHE DIDN'T BLOW ME OFF!

SHE WAS JUST
CHEATING ON HER FIANCé!

WOW, COCO VOCE...

NOT MY STYLE, BUT
STILL VERY NICE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
THEY HAVE IT HERE.

IT'S THE ONLY ONE LIKE IT.

I JUST WISH THE LINES TO
THE MIRROR WEREN'T SO LONG.

ALL I WANT TO DO IS SEE
HOW THE BACK LOOKS.

THE WOMAN SAID IT WAS GOING
TO BE UP TO A 4-HOUR WAIT.

THERE IS A LOT OF
HOT BRIDES IN HERE.

HEY, YOU KNOW...

WE'RE ROUGHLY THE SAME SIZE.

WHY DON'T I TRY ON YOURS
AND YOU TRY ON MINE?

THEN WE CAN SEE THE BACKS.

THAT IS SO THOUGHTFUL.

NOT IF SHE STEALS IT. [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

OH, HONEY!

AND THE ONLY THING MORE
WRONG THAN WHAT I SAID

WAS NOT ADMITTING
HOW WRONG I WAS

TO HAVE SAID IT.

KEEP GOING.

[CLEARS THROAT]

AND SO, NOT ONLY DO I
OWE YOU AN APOLOGY,

BUT ALL PEOPLE LIKE
YOU, AND IF YOU'D LIKE,

I WILL GO ON THE
HOME-SHOPPING CHANNEL

AND APOLOGIZE TO
THEM PERSONALLY.

OR YOU COULD JUST
CHEW YOUR ARM OFF

LIKE THE COYOTES DO.

WELL, JOHNNY, I
CANNOT WIN WITH YOU.

YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY DOING
THIS TO TORTURE ME!

YOU JUST CAN'T SEEM TO
UNDERSTAND HOW YOU ARE.

HASN'T ANYONE EVER
MADE YOU FEEL STUPID?

NO.

HOW MANY YEARS OF
SCHOOL HAVE YOU HAD?

A YEAR OF PREP SCHOOL,
FOUR YEARS OF COLLEGE,

AND THREE YEARS OF MED SCHOOL.

AND YET, YOU WERE
GOING TO DIE IN A SINK.

JOHNNY, THAT'S NOT GONNA...

OH.

WELCOME TO STUPID.

JOHNNY, I AM SO SORRY.

APOLOGY ACCEPTED.

NOW I'LL FINISH THIS UP FOR YOU.

YOU'RE A GOOD GUY.

THANKS.

I AM GONNA GO WASH UP,

AND, UM, IF YOU
HAPPEN TO BE DONE

BEFORE I GET BACK,

THEN HERE IS JUST
A LITTLE SOMETHING

FOR YOUR TROUBLE.

OH, GOD! I DID IT AGAIN!

THAT'S OKAY.

SEE, NOW, A DUMB GUY
WOULD GIVE THAT BACK.

TAKE IT OFF!

NO, IT'S MINE! MINE!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

IT'S A LONG STORY,

BUT IT'S GIVEN ME A GREAT
IDEA FOR A PAY-PER-VIEW SPECIAL.

COME ANY CLOSER AND I'LL RIP IT!

THEN NOBODY GETS IT!

YOU ARE A HORRIBLE PERSON!

I TRUSTED YOU, AND YOU
BLATANTLY LIED TO ME.

THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND.

JUST GIVE THE DRESS BACK.

NO!

MY WEDDING WILL BE RUINED
IF I DON'T HAVE THIS DRESS.

PLEASE... PLEASE, YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND.

MY HAPPINESS DEPENDS ON THIS.

IF THE SANCTITY OF YOUR MARRIAGE
DEPENDS ON A LOUSY GOWN,

I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU AND
THE MAN YOU'RE GONNA MARRY.

SO I CAN KEEP IT?

MM-HMM.

AND EVERY TIME YOU LOOK AT IT,

I HOPE YOU REMEMBER
HOW LOW YOU SUNK TO GET IT.

AND I'M TAKING YOUR CLOTHES.

SHAR... LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT
EVERYTHING YOU WANTED.

YEAH.

I FEEL REALLY LUCKY.

[CRYING]

ALL RIGHT.

SHARON, YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU'RE CALLING A LOT
OF ATTENTION TO US.

[CRYING]

LOOK!

SHE'S THE PRETTIEST
BRIDE ON THE SUBWAY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE'S
GETTING MARRIED.

JUST LIKE MY GIRLFRIEND.

I'M SORRY, MAN.

NAH, DON'T BE.

YOU KNOW, THEY
DON'T ALL WORK OUT.

HOW DO YOU STAY SO POSITIVE?

YOU ONLY GO AROUND IN
THIS WORLD ONCE, BERG,

AND I THINK IT'S
IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER...

FIANCé OR NOT...

I GOT ME SOME LOVIN' LAST NIGHT!

I DID, TOO, BUT I
FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT.

COME ON... STOP
BEATING YOURSELF UP.

ASHLEY WILL GET OVER YOU.

I DON'T KNOW. I'M
PRETTY SPECIAL.

YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'LL HAPPEN.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

MAYBE SHE'LL EVEN
LEARN A LESSON.

STAY AWAY FROM THE SPECIAL ONES.

THAT'S A GOOD WAY TO LOOK AT IT.

I'M CHANGING THE
WORLD ONE GIRL AT A TIME.

HEY, SHAR.

SHAR, THERE'S A SEAT OVER HERE.

YOU GUYS ARE SUCH GENTLEMEN.

SO, YOU READY TO TALK YET?

THAT WOMAN WAS RIGHT.

NO, SHE WASN'T.

YES, SHE WAS!

I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON.

WHAT DOES MY
HAPPINESS WITH JOHNNY

HAVE TO DO WITH
THIS LOUSY DRESS?

HEY, THE DRESS IS
GONNA MAKE THE WEDDING.

DID I ACTUALLY SAY THAT?

GOD, WHEN DID MY VALUES
GET SO OUT OF WHACK?

I DIDN'T USED TO BE LIKE THIS.

I-I-I WANTED SIMPLER THINGS.

WELL... YOU HAVE JOHNNY.

REMEMBER HOW I
USED TO BE IN COLLEGE?

I DIDN'T CARE ABOUT HOW
I LOOKED OR WHAT I WORE.

I CARED ABOUT
THINGS THAT MATTERED.

I MISS THAT PERSON.

I LIKED THAT PERSON.

LOOK, SHAR...

WHOEVER YOU DECIDE TO BE,
WE'RE STILL GONNA BE HERE.

YEAH, NO MATTER WHAT.

THANKS, GUYS.

YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

BY THE WAY... YOU
SAT IN SOME GUM.

[CRYING]

YEAH, WE DON'T NEED
TO RELEASE DOVES.

DOVES ARE TOO EXPENSIVE.

PIGEONS WILL BE JUST FINE. OKAY.

NO LIMO... WE'LL
JUST GRAB A CAB.

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT.

[LAUGHS]

AND WE DON'T NEED TO
BUY OUR OWN FLOWERS.

MAYBE WE'LL LUCK OUT,

AND THE CHURCH WILL HAVE
A FUNERAL RIGHT BEFORE US.

THANKS FOR PUTTING UP WITH ME.

WOW! [LAUGHS]

THAT WAS SOME SALE!