Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 3, Episode 14 - The Monitor Story - full transcript
Pete sets Berg up on a date with a movie body double, in order to make Ashley jealous. She retaliates by also going on a date. Johnny injures his knee saving one of Irene's cats. Sharon and Johnny then find a secret cupboard that has monitors connected to cameras that are in each of the apartments. They turn into voyeurs, spying on all the occupants. They pursue a plan of interfering but have to be careful how they use the information so that the others don't know what's going on.
HEY, EVERYBODY,
MAKE WAY! MAN DOWN!
Sharon: WHAT HAPPENED?
TWISTED MY KNEE.
IF IT WEREN'T FOR HIM,
CHAIRMAN MEOW WOULD
STILL BE IN THE RAIN GUTTER.
IT'S ALL JUST PART
OF THE JOB, MA'AM.
GET THAT AWAY
FROM ME. I'M ALLERGIC.
SEE, LOOK, A HIVE.
[HACKING]
I GOT A HAIR IN MY THROAT.
WELL, CHAIRMAN MEOW
HAS HAD A HARD DAY.
I'M GOING TO PUT
KAHLúA IN HIS MILK,
AND A LITTLE NIP FOR MOMMY.
[DOOR CLOSES]
OKAY, OKAY, LET'S JUST
GET YOU COMFORTABLE.
THANK YOU.
OH, BABY!
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
YES. I JUST HATE THIS RED THING.
WHAT ARE YOU? YOU'RE
NOT EVEN A COUCH!
AHH... HEY, WHAT'S THIS?
THANK YOU, LORD.
IT'S A CLOSET!
WHOA. WHAT IS THAT?
HELLO.
HA HA.
LOOK, THERE'S MRS. ABERNATHY.
HEY, THERE'S BERG AND PETE.
WHAT IS THAT?
WHAT IS IT?
OH, MY GOD. THAT'S
IRENE'S APARTMENT.
THE OLD SUPER HAD
THIS WHOLE BUILDING
UNDER SURVEILLANCE.
LOOK, THERE'S US.
AAH!
OH, MY GOD.
HE HAD A MONITOR IN
HIS OWN APARTMENT?
THAT IS JUST VAIN.
SHOULD I GET MORE BANGS?
THERE'S ASHLEY.
OHH... SHE'S CRYING.
THERE'S BERG
MAKING A PHONE CALL.
LOOK, HE CALLED ASHLEY.
AND HUNG UP!
OH, ASHLEY'S STAR-69'ing.
OH, HE'S BUSTED.
OH, NICE SAVE.
JOHNNY, CLEARLY THESE TWO PEOPLE
MISS EACH OTHER,
AND THEY'RE JUST TOO PROUD
TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE.
HA HA.
HONEY, I DON'T THINK
YOU SHOULD INTERFERE.
IF GOD DID NOT WANT
ME TO INTERFERE,
THEN WHY DID HE SEND
ME THESE MONITORS
AND KNOCK YOU OFF A ROOF?
HEY, BERG, I'M THE
SUBSTITUTE SUPER.
ALL THE WORK, NONE
OF THE BUTT CRACK.
CAME TO FIX YOUR SINK.
IT'S NOT BROKEN.
BERG, PLEASE, WHO'S
WEARING THE HAMMER...
HOLDER?
OKAY, YOU'RE THE SUPER.
BUT YOU KNOW WHO'S
REALLY SUPER? ASHLEY.
[CLANKING]
OOPS.
YEAH, YOU SEE,
YOU DO HAVE A LEAK.
MAN, WHAT IS WITH ME LATELY?
I KEEP MISPLACING STUFF...
MY SUNGLASSES, MY PATRIOTS HAT.
HAVE YOU SEEN MY PUKKA SHELLS?
HEY, HEY. PETE, EASE UP.
CAN'T YOU SEE THE MAN'S LONELY?
WHY DON'T YOU TALK TO ASHLEY?
SHE'S UPSTAIRS
FEELING LONELY, TOO.
REALLY?
BERG, FORGET ASHLEY.
THERE'S THIS GIRL AT WORK
I COULD SET YOU UP
WITH. SHE'S A BODY MODEL.
THEY USE PARTS OF
HER BODY IN MOVIES.
IS SHE PRETTY?
I DON'T KNOW.
GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
OBVIOUSLY THERE'S
SOMETHING WRONG WITH HER.
WHY DON'T YOU ASK HER OUT?
OH, YEAH, AND MAKE EVERYONE
SIT THROUGH ANOTHER
SEXUAL HARASSMENT LECTURE?
ALL RIGHT. GET ME HER NUMBER.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HELLO.
YEAH. YEAH, OKAY, I'LL TELL HER.
JOHNNY SAID YOU'RE
GOING TO NEED CAULKING.
OH, OH, OH.
OKAY, THANK YOU...
IS WHAT I'LL TELL
HIM WHEN I SEE HIM.
HEY, FRAIDY-CAT.
I'M ALLERGIC.
ALLERGIC TO COURAGE.
HA HA HA.
THAT'S FUNNY. THAT'S FUNNY.
YOU WANT TO HEAR
SOMETHING FUNNIER?
I SET BERG UP ON A DATE.
WELL, I GUESS THOSE
WHO CAN'T, SET UP.
ASHLEY, WHEN YOU
SMIRK LIKE THAT,
YOU CAN SEE THE
LITTLE WEB OF WRINKLES
AROUND YOUR EYES.
OH, I KNEW IT WAS
YOU. YOU KNOW HOW?
EVERY TIME YOU
KNOCK ON THE DOOR,
THE CATS RUN TO THE OTHER
SIDE OF THE APARTMENT.
WELL, AREN'T THEY
SMARTER THAN THEIR OWNER.
HE MADE ME PROMISE NOT TO TELL,
BUT PETE IS SECRETLY
IN LOVE WITH YOU.
WELL, THEN WHY DOES
HE ALWAYS AVOID ME?
WELL, PARTLY BECAUSE HE'S SHY,
BUT MOSTLY BECAUSE HE'S STUPID.
I KNEW IT.
WELL, I'LL GET
THAT LITTLE ALMOND
OUT OF HIS SHELL.
HEY, SHARON. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
OH, JUST SPREADING
LOVE AND CAULKING.
YOU SEEM DOWN.
OH, YEAH. PETE JUST TOLD ME
THAT HE SET BERG UP ON A DATE.
IT UPSET ME MORE THAN
I THOUGHT IT WOULD.
HE DOESN'T WANT
TO GO OUT WITH HER.
HE MISSES YOU.
THAT'S WHY HE KEEPS
CALLING AND HANGING UP.
HE'S ONLY GOING ON THAT
DATE TO MAKE YOU JEALOUS.
GOD, WHAT A JERK. YOU
GOT TO BE A BIGGER JERK.
I DON'T KNOW.
COME ON, I KNOW YOU CAN.
JUST BEAT HIM TO THE PUNCH.
FIND A DATE OF YOUR OWN.
HEY, WHAT HAPPENED?
I COULDN'T SEE
ASHLEY'S REACTION.
THE CAMERA LOVES YOU.
STOP IT. HA HA.
OKAY, I TOLD ASHLEY
ABOUT BERG'S DATE
WITH THE BODY
PARTS MODEL AND SAID
SHE SHOULD JUST GRAB ANY GUY.
I THOUGHT YOU WANTED
THEM TO GET TOGETHER.
BABY, BABY, BABY,
NOTHING IGNITES TRUE LOVE
MORE THAN JEALOUSY
AND INSECURITY.
NICE WORK, CUPID.
OOH, LOOK, IRENE TOOK
A HIT OF WHIPPED CREAM.
SHE'S ON THE MOVE.
Sharon: HEY, HEY!
IRENE'S BREAKING IN
TO PETE AND BERG'S.
Johnny: HEY, WE GOT
TO DO SOMETHING.
YEAH, I'LL MAKE POPCORN.
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
OH, MY GOD.
SO SHE'S THE ONE THAT'S
TAKING PETE'S STUFF.
PETE'S COMING BACK.
[DOORKNOB RATTLES]
Both: BEHIND THE COUNTER!
[DOOR CLOSES]
OH! YEAH!
THAT IS SO WEIRD.
HE JUST BITES AN APPLE
AND LEAVES IT ON THE COUNTER.
NO, IRENE... WHAT IS SHE DOING?
[HUMMING]
♪ WITCHCRAFT ♪
♪ WICKED WITCHCRAFT ♪
THERE'S SOMETHING IN THAT CHAIR.
I CAN'T QUITE MAKE IT OUT.
♪ WHEN YOU AROUSE
THE NEED IN ME ♪
♪ MY HEART SAYS
YES, INDEED IN ME ♪
WE'RE NOT TURNING
OFF THESE MONITORS.
HONEY, YOU COULD TAKE
THE TOOL BELT OFF NOW.
I DON'T KNOW. I KIND OF LIKE IT.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
BERG AND THE BODY DOUBLE
ARE GETTING COMFORTABLE
ON THE COUCH.
AND OF COURSE, NOW I HAVE
TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.
HOLLYWOOD IS ALL ABOUT LOOKS.
PEOPLE THINK OF
YOU AS JUST A BODY.
YOU'RE A BODY DOUBLE.
I AM AN ACTRESS
WHO HAPPENS TO ACT
WITHOUT HER FACE...
OR WORDS, WHO WITHOUT
ME A CERTAIN STAR
WOULD HAVE HAD TO
SHOW HER OWN ARMPIT
IN "G.I. JANE."
DO YOU KNOW WHO
I'M TALKING ABOUT?
NO, I DIDN'T NOTICE
ANY OF THE ACTORS.
I WAS SO MESMERIZED
BY THAT ARMPIT.
I LIKE YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
BERG'S GETTING
BACK IN THE SADDLE.
I MEAN, WHAT A WHORE.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
HURRY, HURRY, HURRY.
GO, GO, GO, GO.
UH, YEAH. COMING.
HEY. HEY, LOOK AT THIS
CUT-AND-PASTE NOTE I GOT.
IT SAYS IRENE'S BEEN
TAKING MY STUFF.
WHY IS YOUR COUCH
FACING THE WALL?
OH, JOHNNY WAS ENTERTAINING ME
WITH HIS SHADOW PUPPETS.
THAT'S A BUNNY.
SO IRENE'S TAKING YOUR STUFF.
WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED, HUH?
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
I WAS GOING TO GO OVER
THERE AND ASK FOR IT BACK, BUT...
ASK FOR IT BACK, BUT I THOUGHT,
WHAT IF THIS IS JUST
A PRACTICAL JOKE?
IT'S NO JOKE.
AND IF IT IS, I DON'T GET IT.
HEY, YOU DIDN'T GET IT FROM ME,
BUT THIS IS IRENE'S KEY,
AND SHE'S NOT HOME,
SO WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK
IN THERE AND GET YOUR STUFF?
I CAN'T GO OVER THERE.
I'M ALLERGIC TO CATS.
THEN YOU'RE JUST GOING TO
HAVE TO HOLD YOUR BREATH.
MR. RUSSELL ON THE THIRD
FLOOR HAS SCUBA EQUIPMENT.
YEAH, AND HE'S NOT
USING IT RIGHT NOW.
HE'S JUST SITTING
AROUND EATING CHICKEN.
I BET.
LOVES CHICKEN.
[IMITATES CHICKEN]
YOU KNOW WHAT SEPARATES ME
FROM FIVE OTHER TOP
SURGEONS IN BOSTON?
THEY'RE INTERESTING?
NO.
I SHUFFLE.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE A SURGEON,
IT'S IMPORTANT TO
MAINTAIN YOUR DEXTERITY.
THIS IS WHY I DABBLE IN MAGIC.
PICK A CARD.
UH, NO, NOT THAT ONE.
UNH-UNH.
NOPE, TRY AGAIN.
OKAY, HOUDINI,
TIME TO DISAPPEAR.
NO! ASHLEY'S KICKING
HIM OUT ALREADY?
YEAH, WELL, NOVELTY
ACTS GET NO RESPECT.
YEAH, BUT BERG'S SCORING.
I'M GOING TO GO MEDDLE.
OKAY, HONEY.
GOOD LUCK.
IT'S NICE OF YOU
TO WALK ME DOWN.
WELL, I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE
THAT YOU ARE SAFELY
OUT OF THE BUILDING.
WELL, HELLO, BERGEN.
WELL, IF IT ISN'T THE
MASTER OF ILLUSION.
BERG.
BERG?
MMM.
YES, WELL, I WAS JUST
SHOWING DR. ZWAL... ZVA...
ZWANEVELD.
IT'S JUST LIKE
WANEVELD, BUT WITH A "Z."
RIGHT. WELL, I WAS
JUST SHOWING HIM
TO MY APARTMENT FOR A NIGHTCAP.
COME ON, HOWIE, LET'S
GO MAKE SOME MAGIC.
ALL RIGHT, BUT I
USUALLY WORK ALONE.
WHO WAS THAT?
NO ONE.
MMM. SHE HAD PERKY BREASTS.
YEAH. LISTEN, TINA,
I'M NOT FEELING TOO WELL, OKAY?
SO MAYBE WE SHOULD
CALL IT A NIGHT.
OH.
I, UH, THINK I KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.
LOOK, IT'S NOT...
NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIE TO ME.
I AM AN ACTRESS.
I OBSERVE PEOPLE FOR A LIVING.
MY CELEBRITY INTIMIDATES
YOU, DOESN'T IT?
WOW. THEN YOU MUST
ALSO BE ABLE TO SENSE
MY OVERWHELMING RESPECT FOR YOU.
WELL, THAT WAS QUITE
A CHANGE OF HEART.
WAIT TILL YOU SEE THIS ONE.
KEEP YOUR COAT ON.
OKAY, LET'S SAY THAT
THIS WERE A MAGIC SHOW,
AND YOU NEEDED TO VANISH,
BUT YOU COULDN'T
USE THE FRONT DOOR.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
USE THE FIRE ESCAPE.
TA-DA!
THAT REMINDS ME...
I MEANT TO FIX THAT FIRE ESCAPE.
["BOLERO" PLAYING]
[POUNDING ON CEILING]
HEY, BERG.
HEY, PETE.
Dr. Zwaneveld: BERGEN!
BERGEN!
BERGEN!
BERGEN... UP HERE.
DID YOU JUST APPEAR THERE?
YOU'RE GETTING GOOD.
[HEAVY BREATHING]
[PURRING]
[PURRING]
[MEOW]
AAH!
IT'S OVER THERE. OVER THERE.
TURN RIGHT.
GO TOWARDS THE CHAIR, MAN!
WARMER.
IT'S BACK HERE,
YOU BLIND ICEBERG!
[WATER DRIPPING]
WHAT THE... DID YOU FEEL THAT?
OH, THE SINK IS...
IT'S STILL LEAKING.
HONEY, I TOLD YOU TO CAULK.
YES, BUT YOU DIDN'T
TELL ME WHAT CAULK WAS.
RUN UP THERE AND PUT A
BUCKET UNDER THEIR SINK
BEFORE IT FLOODS
OUR WHOLE APARTMENT.
NO. NO. NO, NO.
["BOLERO" PLAYING]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
WHO IS IT?
BERG.
I HAVE COMPANY!
YEAH, AND HE JUST
JUMPED INTO MY ARMS
OFF THE FIRE ESCAPE.
[TURNS STEREO OFF]
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR DATE?
DID HER ELBOW GET AN AUDITION?
[Muffled] IRENE?
SHARON TOLD ME
YOU WERE MISERABLE.
SHARON TOLD ME YOU ONLY WENT OUT
WITH THAT BODY MODEL
TO MAKE ME JEALOUS.
SHE SEEMS TO BE A
LITTLE BIT TOO INVOLVED
AND TO KNOW A WHOLE LOT
MORE THAN SHE'S SUPPOSED TO.
AAH! AAH!
AAH!
OH, IRENE.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
OH. NO.
[CATS MEOWING]
AHH. AHH! PETE... PETE!
PETE!
OKAY, I BET THAT'S NOT
SUPPOSED TO COME OFF.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[Ring]
Pete: LEAVE A MESSAGE.
Berg: BEEP!
[LAUGHTER]
NO, WAIT, THAT WASN'T IT.
OKAY, NOW LEAVE A MESSAGE.
BEEP!
[LAUGHTER]
OKAY, THIS NEXT ONE FOR SURE.
[BEEP]
Johnny: Okay, wait, was that...
Damn it, you
guys, you're idiots!
Sharon, if you're
there, pick up.
Pick up!
WHAT? IT JUST FELL OFF.
Quick... get over
to Irene's apartment.
Pete is in trouble.
He's being snuggled
to death by cats!
Berg: HEY, STOP RIGHT THERE!
SHARON, WHAT IS GOING ON?
IT WAS YOU WHO KNOCKED
ON MY DOOR, WASN'T IT?
I'D LOVE TO CHAT,
BUT PETE'S DYING.
[CATS MEOWING]
[Gasps] PETE?
OH, MY GOD, HIS ALLERGIES.
ASHLEY, GET HIM SOME WATER.
OH, MY GOD!
WOW, A PETE DUMMY...
HOW REDUNDANT.
[GASPING]
PETE, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
FOR A MINUTE THERE, I
THOUGHT I WAS A GONER.
WELL, YOU'RE SAFE NOW.
AAH!
WHAT'S GOING ON? ALL
MY CATS HAVE ESCAPED.
WHAT IS THE MATTER
WITH YOU PEOPLE?
ARE YOU CERTIFIABLY INSANE?
UH, IRENE... OKAY, GOT ME THERE.
HEY.
HEY.
PETE'S GOING TO BE JUST FINE.
HE'S IN THE BATHTUB
WASHING ALL THE
CAT FUR OFF OF HIM
AND PLAYING DEEP-SEA DIVER.
HEY, I'M SORRY I
MESSED THINGS UP
FOR YOU WITH YOUR DATE.
THAT'S OKAY. IT WASN'T
GOING ANYWHERE.
I JUST WANTED TO
BE WITH SOMEONE.
SO YOU DID MISS ME.
NOT REALLY.
LISTEN, I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE GOING THROUGH.
IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU HAVE
THIS BIG UGLY COUCH
IN THE MIDDLE OF
YOUR LIVING ROOM,
AND YOU JUST CAN'T
WAIT TO GET RID OF IT.
THEN WHEN YOU
FINALLY THROW IT OUT,
YOU GOT THIS EMPTY
SPACE WHERE THAT STUPID,
INSENSITIVE, SELF-ABSORBED
COUCH USED TO BE.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T REALLY
UNDERSTAND DECORATING.
LISTEN, I KNOW IT'S
NOT GOING TO BE EASY
FOR EITHER ONE OF US,
BUT ULTIMATELY, IT'S
BETTER TO BE ALONE
THAN TO BE WITH SOMEBODY
WHO'S NOT RIGHT FOR YOU.
I AGREE. I AGREE.
YOU KNOW, ASH, UM,
YOU'RE GOING TO GET ALONG
JUST FINE WITHOUT A COUCH.
THANK YOU, BERG.
WHAT YOU NEED IS
SOMETHING TO WALK ALL OVER,
LIKE A RUG.
THAT'S TYPICAL COUCH TALK.
LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE NOT
GETTING BACK TOGETHER.
WELL, I TRIED.
SO, WHAT WAS IN THAT
CHAIR IN IRENE'S APARTMENT?
OOH, IT WAS A VOODOO
SHRINE TO PETE.
SOME PEOPLE'S LIVES
ARE SO EMPTY AND SAD.
YEAH, THEY DON'T
HAVE WHAT WE HAVE...
MONITORS.
LET'S GO WATCH THE FREAKS!
HONEY, WAKE UP.
OH... HEY, WHAT DID I MISS?
NOBODY'S HOME.
WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO?
Ashley: AHEM.
HEY, KIDS.
IS THERE SOMETHING YOU
WANT TO TALK TO US ABOUT?
CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY 20th
CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
MAKE WAY! MAN DOWN!
Sharon: WHAT HAPPENED?
TWISTED MY KNEE.
IF IT WEREN'T FOR HIM,
CHAIRMAN MEOW WOULD
STILL BE IN THE RAIN GUTTER.
IT'S ALL JUST PART
OF THE JOB, MA'AM.
GET THAT AWAY
FROM ME. I'M ALLERGIC.
SEE, LOOK, A HIVE.
[HACKING]
I GOT A HAIR IN MY THROAT.
WELL, CHAIRMAN MEOW
HAS HAD A HARD DAY.
I'M GOING TO PUT
KAHLúA IN HIS MILK,
AND A LITTLE NIP FOR MOMMY.
[DOOR CLOSES]
OKAY, OKAY, LET'S JUST
GET YOU COMFORTABLE.
THANK YOU.
OH, BABY!
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
YES. I JUST HATE THIS RED THING.
WHAT ARE YOU? YOU'RE
NOT EVEN A COUCH!
AHH... HEY, WHAT'S THIS?
THANK YOU, LORD.
IT'S A CLOSET!
WHOA. WHAT IS THAT?
HELLO.
HA HA.
LOOK, THERE'S MRS. ABERNATHY.
HEY, THERE'S BERG AND PETE.
WHAT IS THAT?
WHAT IS IT?
OH, MY GOD. THAT'S
IRENE'S APARTMENT.
THE OLD SUPER HAD
THIS WHOLE BUILDING
UNDER SURVEILLANCE.
LOOK, THERE'S US.
AAH!
OH, MY GOD.
HE HAD A MONITOR IN
HIS OWN APARTMENT?
THAT IS JUST VAIN.
SHOULD I GET MORE BANGS?
THERE'S ASHLEY.
OHH... SHE'S CRYING.
THERE'S BERG
MAKING A PHONE CALL.
LOOK, HE CALLED ASHLEY.
AND HUNG UP!
OH, ASHLEY'S STAR-69'ing.
OH, HE'S BUSTED.
OH, NICE SAVE.
JOHNNY, CLEARLY THESE TWO PEOPLE
MISS EACH OTHER,
AND THEY'RE JUST TOO PROUD
TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE.
HA HA.
HONEY, I DON'T THINK
YOU SHOULD INTERFERE.
IF GOD DID NOT WANT
ME TO INTERFERE,
THEN WHY DID HE SEND
ME THESE MONITORS
AND KNOCK YOU OFF A ROOF?
HEY, BERG, I'M THE
SUBSTITUTE SUPER.
ALL THE WORK, NONE
OF THE BUTT CRACK.
CAME TO FIX YOUR SINK.
IT'S NOT BROKEN.
BERG, PLEASE, WHO'S
WEARING THE HAMMER...
HOLDER?
OKAY, YOU'RE THE SUPER.
BUT YOU KNOW WHO'S
REALLY SUPER? ASHLEY.
[CLANKING]
OOPS.
YEAH, YOU SEE,
YOU DO HAVE A LEAK.
MAN, WHAT IS WITH ME LATELY?
I KEEP MISPLACING STUFF...
MY SUNGLASSES, MY PATRIOTS HAT.
HAVE YOU SEEN MY PUKKA SHELLS?
HEY, HEY. PETE, EASE UP.
CAN'T YOU SEE THE MAN'S LONELY?
WHY DON'T YOU TALK TO ASHLEY?
SHE'S UPSTAIRS
FEELING LONELY, TOO.
REALLY?
BERG, FORGET ASHLEY.
THERE'S THIS GIRL AT WORK
I COULD SET YOU UP
WITH. SHE'S A BODY MODEL.
THEY USE PARTS OF
HER BODY IN MOVIES.
IS SHE PRETTY?
I DON'T KNOW.
GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
OBVIOUSLY THERE'S
SOMETHING WRONG WITH HER.
WHY DON'T YOU ASK HER OUT?
OH, YEAH, AND MAKE EVERYONE
SIT THROUGH ANOTHER
SEXUAL HARASSMENT LECTURE?
ALL RIGHT. GET ME HER NUMBER.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HELLO.
YEAH. YEAH, OKAY, I'LL TELL HER.
JOHNNY SAID YOU'RE
GOING TO NEED CAULKING.
OH, OH, OH.
OKAY, THANK YOU...
IS WHAT I'LL TELL
HIM WHEN I SEE HIM.
HEY, FRAIDY-CAT.
I'M ALLERGIC.
ALLERGIC TO COURAGE.
HA HA HA.
THAT'S FUNNY. THAT'S FUNNY.
YOU WANT TO HEAR
SOMETHING FUNNIER?
I SET BERG UP ON A DATE.
WELL, I GUESS THOSE
WHO CAN'T, SET UP.
ASHLEY, WHEN YOU
SMIRK LIKE THAT,
YOU CAN SEE THE
LITTLE WEB OF WRINKLES
AROUND YOUR EYES.
OH, I KNEW IT WAS
YOU. YOU KNOW HOW?
EVERY TIME YOU
KNOCK ON THE DOOR,
THE CATS RUN TO THE OTHER
SIDE OF THE APARTMENT.
WELL, AREN'T THEY
SMARTER THAN THEIR OWNER.
HE MADE ME PROMISE NOT TO TELL,
BUT PETE IS SECRETLY
IN LOVE WITH YOU.
WELL, THEN WHY DOES
HE ALWAYS AVOID ME?
WELL, PARTLY BECAUSE HE'S SHY,
BUT MOSTLY BECAUSE HE'S STUPID.
I KNEW IT.
WELL, I'LL GET
THAT LITTLE ALMOND
OUT OF HIS SHELL.
HEY, SHARON. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
OH, JUST SPREADING
LOVE AND CAULKING.
YOU SEEM DOWN.
OH, YEAH. PETE JUST TOLD ME
THAT HE SET BERG UP ON A DATE.
IT UPSET ME MORE THAN
I THOUGHT IT WOULD.
HE DOESN'T WANT
TO GO OUT WITH HER.
HE MISSES YOU.
THAT'S WHY HE KEEPS
CALLING AND HANGING UP.
HE'S ONLY GOING ON THAT
DATE TO MAKE YOU JEALOUS.
GOD, WHAT A JERK. YOU
GOT TO BE A BIGGER JERK.
I DON'T KNOW.
COME ON, I KNOW YOU CAN.
JUST BEAT HIM TO THE PUNCH.
FIND A DATE OF YOUR OWN.
HEY, WHAT HAPPENED?
I COULDN'T SEE
ASHLEY'S REACTION.
THE CAMERA LOVES YOU.
STOP IT. HA HA.
OKAY, I TOLD ASHLEY
ABOUT BERG'S DATE
WITH THE BODY
PARTS MODEL AND SAID
SHE SHOULD JUST GRAB ANY GUY.
I THOUGHT YOU WANTED
THEM TO GET TOGETHER.
BABY, BABY, BABY,
NOTHING IGNITES TRUE LOVE
MORE THAN JEALOUSY
AND INSECURITY.
NICE WORK, CUPID.
OOH, LOOK, IRENE TOOK
A HIT OF WHIPPED CREAM.
SHE'S ON THE MOVE.
Sharon: HEY, HEY!
IRENE'S BREAKING IN
TO PETE AND BERG'S.
Johnny: HEY, WE GOT
TO DO SOMETHING.
YEAH, I'LL MAKE POPCORN.
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
OH, MY GOD.
SO SHE'S THE ONE THAT'S
TAKING PETE'S STUFF.
PETE'S COMING BACK.
[DOORKNOB RATTLES]
Both: BEHIND THE COUNTER!
[DOOR CLOSES]
OH! YEAH!
THAT IS SO WEIRD.
HE JUST BITES AN APPLE
AND LEAVES IT ON THE COUNTER.
NO, IRENE... WHAT IS SHE DOING?
[HUMMING]
♪ WITCHCRAFT ♪
♪ WICKED WITCHCRAFT ♪
THERE'S SOMETHING IN THAT CHAIR.
I CAN'T QUITE MAKE IT OUT.
♪ WHEN YOU AROUSE
THE NEED IN ME ♪
♪ MY HEART SAYS
YES, INDEED IN ME ♪
WE'RE NOT TURNING
OFF THESE MONITORS.
HONEY, YOU COULD TAKE
THE TOOL BELT OFF NOW.
I DON'T KNOW. I KIND OF LIKE IT.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
BERG AND THE BODY DOUBLE
ARE GETTING COMFORTABLE
ON THE COUCH.
AND OF COURSE, NOW I HAVE
TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.
HOLLYWOOD IS ALL ABOUT LOOKS.
PEOPLE THINK OF
YOU AS JUST A BODY.
YOU'RE A BODY DOUBLE.
I AM AN ACTRESS
WHO HAPPENS TO ACT
WITHOUT HER FACE...
OR WORDS, WHO WITHOUT
ME A CERTAIN STAR
WOULD HAVE HAD TO
SHOW HER OWN ARMPIT
IN "G.I. JANE."
DO YOU KNOW WHO
I'M TALKING ABOUT?
NO, I DIDN'T NOTICE
ANY OF THE ACTORS.
I WAS SO MESMERIZED
BY THAT ARMPIT.
I LIKE YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
BERG'S GETTING
BACK IN THE SADDLE.
I MEAN, WHAT A WHORE.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
HURRY, HURRY, HURRY.
GO, GO, GO, GO.
UH, YEAH. COMING.
HEY. HEY, LOOK AT THIS
CUT-AND-PASTE NOTE I GOT.
IT SAYS IRENE'S BEEN
TAKING MY STUFF.
WHY IS YOUR COUCH
FACING THE WALL?
OH, JOHNNY WAS ENTERTAINING ME
WITH HIS SHADOW PUPPETS.
THAT'S A BUNNY.
SO IRENE'S TAKING YOUR STUFF.
WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED, HUH?
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
I WAS GOING TO GO OVER
THERE AND ASK FOR IT BACK, BUT...
ASK FOR IT BACK, BUT I THOUGHT,
WHAT IF THIS IS JUST
A PRACTICAL JOKE?
IT'S NO JOKE.
AND IF IT IS, I DON'T GET IT.
HEY, YOU DIDN'T GET IT FROM ME,
BUT THIS IS IRENE'S KEY,
AND SHE'S NOT HOME,
SO WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK
IN THERE AND GET YOUR STUFF?
I CAN'T GO OVER THERE.
I'M ALLERGIC TO CATS.
THEN YOU'RE JUST GOING TO
HAVE TO HOLD YOUR BREATH.
MR. RUSSELL ON THE THIRD
FLOOR HAS SCUBA EQUIPMENT.
YEAH, AND HE'S NOT
USING IT RIGHT NOW.
HE'S JUST SITTING
AROUND EATING CHICKEN.
I BET.
LOVES CHICKEN.
[IMITATES CHICKEN]
YOU KNOW WHAT SEPARATES ME
FROM FIVE OTHER TOP
SURGEONS IN BOSTON?
THEY'RE INTERESTING?
NO.
I SHUFFLE.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE A SURGEON,
IT'S IMPORTANT TO
MAINTAIN YOUR DEXTERITY.
THIS IS WHY I DABBLE IN MAGIC.
PICK A CARD.
UH, NO, NOT THAT ONE.
UNH-UNH.
NOPE, TRY AGAIN.
OKAY, HOUDINI,
TIME TO DISAPPEAR.
NO! ASHLEY'S KICKING
HIM OUT ALREADY?
YEAH, WELL, NOVELTY
ACTS GET NO RESPECT.
YEAH, BUT BERG'S SCORING.
I'M GOING TO GO MEDDLE.
OKAY, HONEY.
GOOD LUCK.
IT'S NICE OF YOU
TO WALK ME DOWN.
WELL, I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE
THAT YOU ARE SAFELY
OUT OF THE BUILDING.
WELL, HELLO, BERGEN.
WELL, IF IT ISN'T THE
MASTER OF ILLUSION.
BERG.
BERG?
MMM.
YES, WELL, I WAS JUST
SHOWING DR. ZWAL... ZVA...
ZWANEVELD.
IT'S JUST LIKE
WANEVELD, BUT WITH A "Z."
RIGHT. WELL, I WAS
JUST SHOWING HIM
TO MY APARTMENT FOR A NIGHTCAP.
COME ON, HOWIE, LET'S
GO MAKE SOME MAGIC.
ALL RIGHT, BUT I
USUALLY WORK ALONE.
WHO WAS THAT?
NO ONE.
MMM. SHE HAD PERKY BREASTS.
YEAH. LISTEN, TINA,
I'M NOT FEELING TOO WELL, OKAY?
SO MAYBE WE SHOULD
CALL IT A NIGHT.
OH.
I, UH, THINK I KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.
LOOK, IT'S NOT...
NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIE TO ME.
I AM AN ACTRESS.
I OBSERVE PEOPLE FOR A LIVING.
MY CELEBRITY INTIMIDATES
YOU, DOESN'T IT?
WOW. THEN YOU MUST
ALSO BE ABLE TO SENSE
MY OVERWHELMING RESPECT FOR YOU.
WELL, THAT WAS QUITE
A CHANGE OF HEART.
WAIT TILL YOU SEE THIS ONE.
KEEP YOUR COAT ON.
OKAY, LET'S SAY THAT
THIS WERE A MAGIC SHOW,
AND YOU NEEDED TO VANISH,
BUT YOU COULDN'T
USE THE FRONT DOOR.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
USE THE FIRE ESCAPE.
TA-DA!
THAT REMINDS ME...
I MEANT TO FIX THAT FIRE ESCAPE.
["BOLERO" PLAYING]
[POUNDING ON CEILING]
HEY, BERG.
HEY, PETE.
Dr. Zwaneveld: BERGEN!
BERGEN!
BERGEN!
BERGEN... UP HERE.
DID YOU JUST APPEAR THERE?
YOU'RE GETTING GOOD.
[HEAVY BREATHING]
[PURRING]
[PURRING]
[MEOW]
AAH!
IT'S OVER THERE. OVER THERE.
TURN RIGHT.
GO TOWARDS THE CHAIR, MAN!
WARMER.
IT'S BACK HERE,
YOU BLIND ICEBERG!
[WATER DRIPPING]
WHAT THE... DID YOU FEEL THAT?
OH, THE SINK IS...
IT'S STILL LEAKING.
HONEY, I TOLD YOU TO CAULK.
YES, BUT YOU DIDN'T
TELL ME WHAT CAULK WAS.
RUN UP THERE AND PUT A
BUCKET UNDER THEIR SINK
BEFORE IT FLOODS
OUR WHOLE APARTMENT.
NO. NO. NO, NO.
["BOLERO" PLAYING]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
WHO IS IT?
BERG.
I HAVE COMPANY!
YEAH, AND HE JUST
JUMPED INTO MY ARMS
OFF THE FIRE ESCAPE.
[TURNS STEREO OFF]
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR DATE?
DID HER ELBOW GET AN AUDITION?
[Muffled] IRENE?
SHARON TOLD ME
YOU WERE MISERABLE.
SHARON TOLD ME YOU ONLY WENT OUT
WITH THAT BODY MODEL
TO MAKE ME JEALOUS.
SHE SEEMS TO BE A
LITTLE BIT TOO INVOLVED
AND TO KNOW A WHOLE LOT
MORE THAN SHE'S SUPPOSED TO.
AAH! AAH!
AAH!
OH, IRENE.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
OH. NO.
[CATS MEOWING]
AHH. AHH! PETE... PETE!
PETE!
OKAY, I BET THAT'S NOT
SUPPOSED TO COME OFF.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[Ring]
Pete: LEAVE A MESSAGE.
Berg: BEEP!
[LAUGHTER]
NO, WAIT, THAT WASN'T IT.
OKAY, NOW LEAVE A MESSAGE.
BEEP!
[LAUGHTER]
OKAY, THIS NEXT ONE FOR SURE.
[BEEP]
Johnny: Okay, wait, was that...
Damn it, you
guys, you're idiots!
Sharon, if you're
there, pick up.
Pick up!
WHAT? IT JUST FELL OFF.
Quick... get over
to Irene's apartment.
Pete is in trouble.
He's being snuggled
to death by cats!
Berg: HEY, STOP RIGHT THERE!
SHARON, WHAT IS GOING ON?
IT WAS YOU WHO KNOCKED
ON MY DOOR, WASN'T IT?
I'D LOVE TO CHAT,
BUT PETE'S DYING.
[CATS MEOWING]
[Gasps] PETE?
OH, MY GOD, HIS ALLERGIES.
ASHLEY, GET HIM SOME WATER.
OH, MY GOD!
WOW, A PETE DUMMY...
HOW REDUNDANT.
[GASPING]
PETE, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
FOR A MINUTE THERE, I
THOUGHT I WAS A GONER.
WELL, YOU'RE SAFE NOW.
AAH!
WHAT'S GOING ON? ALL
MY CATS HAVE ESCAPED.
WHAT IS THE MATTER
WITH YOU PEOPLE?
ARE YOU CERTIFIABLY INSANE?
UH, IRENE... OKAY, GOT ME THERE.
HEY.
HEY.
PETE'S GOING TO BE JUST FINE.
HE'S IN THE BATHTUB
WASHING ALL THE
CAT FUR OFF OF HIM
AND PLAYING DEEP-SEA DIVER.
HEY, I'M SORRY I
MESSED THINGS UP
FOR YOU WITH YOUR DATE.
THAT'S OKAY. IT WASN'T
GOING ANYWHERE.
I JUST WANTED TO
BE WITH SOMEONE.
SO YOU DID MISS ME.
NOT REALLY.
LISTEN, I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE GOING THROUGH.
IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU HAVE
THIS BIG UGLY COUCH
IN THE MIDDLE OF
YOUR LIVING ROOM,
AND YOU JUST CAN'T
WAIT TO GET RID OF IT.
THEN WHEN YOU
FINALLY THROW IT OUT,
YOU GOT THIS EMPTY
SPACE WHERE THAT STUPID,
INSENSITIVE, SELF-ABSORBED
COUCH USED TO BE.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T REALLY
UNDERSTAND DECORATING.
LISTEN, I KNOW IT'S
NOT GOING TO BE EASY
FOR EITHER ONE OF US,
BUT ULTIMATELY, IT'S
BETTER TO BE ALONE
THAN TO BE WITH SOMEBODY
WHO'S NOT RIGHT FOR YOU.
I AGREE. I AGREE.
YOU KNOW, ASH, UM,
YOU'RE GOING TO GET ALONG
JUST FINE WITHOUT A COUCH.
THANK YOU, BERG.
WHAT YOU NEED IS
SOMETHING TO WALK ALL OVER,
LIKE A RUG.
THAT'S TYPICAL COUCH TALK.
LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE NOT
GETTING BACK TOGETHER.
WELL, I TRIED.
SO, WHAT WAS IN THAT
CHAIR IN IRENE'S APARTMENT?
OOH, IT WAS A VOODOO
SHRINE TO PETE.
SOME PEOPLE'S LIVES
ARE SO EMPTY AND SAD.
YEAH, THEY DON'T
HAVE WHAT WE HAVE...
MONITORS.
LET'S GO WATCH THE FREAKS!
HONEY, WAKE UP.
OH... HEY, WHAT DID I MISS?
NOBODY'S HOME.
WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO?
Ashley: AHEM.
HEY, KIDS.
IS THERE SOMETHING YOU
WANT TO TALK TO US ABOUT?
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