Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 3, Episode 12 - Out with the Old - full transcript
It's New Year's Eve and Sharon is planning a party complete with Karaoke. Berg and Ashley who are recently broken up try to be civil with each other. Berg runs into Robert Goulet at the hospital who's not feeling well and he's suppose to be going to Las Vegas to perform but Berg tells him he can't fly. But Goulet says he has to perform so Berg tells him of Sharon's karaoke party which is happy to attend. Also Ashley who's dating a new doctor at the hospital is upset with Berg when because of him her date has to work. And Pete needing a date decides to asks Irene who is willing to be his date.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT, HONEY?
I THINK THIS BASEMENT'SREALLY
COMIN' TOGETHER.
I MEAN, IT TOOK A
LITTLE GETTIN' USED TO,
BUT I THINK IT'S KIND OF HOMEY.
YEAH.
OH, OH, OH!
AND MAYBE LATER,
THE GUARDS WILL GIVE US
A HALF-HOUR IN THE YARD!
HEY, GUYS,
IF ALL THIS Y2K HYSTERIA
TURNS OUT TO BE TRUE,
OUR NEIGHBORHOOD
HAS AN OLD BOMB SHELTER.
HEY, HEY, HEY, LET ME
GUESS... I'M CLEANIN' IT!
WHAT'S GOING ON FOR NEW YEAR'S?
SHARON WON'T TELL METHE DETAILS.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M PLANNING A VERY
INTIMATE, ROMANTIC DINNER.
SO, WHAT, 8:00, NO JEANS?
SORRY, PETE.
JOHNNY AND I DISCUSSED IT,
AND AS MUCH AS WE
LOVE OUR FRIENDS,
I WANT TO SPEND THE
LAST NIGHT OF THE CENTURY
IN THE ARMS OF THE MAN I LOVE.
MMM.
WERE THESE IN THE TOILET?
HELLO, HELLO.
HEY, ASH. WHAT
BRINGS YOU DOWN HERE?
CLOVEN HOOVES.
AH, PETE...
THE REASON PEOPLENO
LONGER BUY MISTLE TOE.
SO, GUYS, IF YOU
DON'T HAVE PLANS,
I AM HAVING A NEW YEAR'S PARTY.
NOTHING HUGE,
JUST A FEW FRIENDS.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
OH, THAT'S SO SWEET,
BUT JOHNNY AND I ARE
GONNA SPEND IT TOGETHER.
PETE?
WAIT A MINUTE, LET
ME GET THIS STRAIGHT...
YOU ARE ME INVITING
TO YOUR PARTY?
YOU'RE NOT GONNA
FILL ME WITH CANDY
AND WHACK ME WITH
A STICK, ARE YOU?
NO, IT'S THE NEW YEAR,
AND MY RESOLUTION IS TO BE A
MORE COMPASSIONATE PERSON
AND GET ALONG WITH
THOSE AROUND ME.
OH, MY GOD, THE WORLD
REALLY IS GONNA END!
HELLO, BERG.
HEY, ASHLEY, HOW YA DO...
WHAT'S THAT SMILE ABOUT?
WHAT DID YOU DO TO PETE?
NOTHING.
LOOK, IT'S THE NEW YEAR, SO...
WHY DON'T WE JUST
WIPE THE SLATE CLEAN
AND TRY AND BE KIND AND
FRIENDLY TO EACH OTHER?
CAN WE DO THAT?
YOU KNOW WHAT, ASH?
I'D LOVE TO BE FRIENDS.
GREAT. WELL, I AM HAVING
A NEW YEAR'S PARTY.
JUST SOME PEOPLE,
CHEAP CHAMPAGNE, KARAOKE,
AND YOU, IF YOU'D LIKE TO COME.
SOUNDS GREAT, BUT
I CAN'T. I'M ON DUTY.
YES!
SORRY, THAT WAS JUST
A HOLD OVER FROM 1999.
[British accent]
HELLO, DR. WALKER.
OH! [LAUGHS]
HI, DR. VAMESSEY!
[GIGGLES]
SO, WHAT DID YOU... WHAT
DID YOU DO FOR CHRISTMAS?
I WORKED.
YES, I SPENT THE HOLIEST
NIGHT OF THE YEAR
TREATING A WISE MAN WHO
ATTACHED HIS BEARD WITH CRAZY GLUE.
WHAT YOU DID DO?
OH, I, UM, I WENT HOME
TO VISIT MY FAMILY.
THAT SOUNDS NICE.
WELL, GREAT, NEXT
YEAR I'LL SEND YOU.
SO, UM, SO, HEY, WHAT ARE YOU...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
FOR NEW YEAR'S?
NOTHING. I PUT MY NAME
ON THE LIST FOR E.R.
OH, HEY, HEY! YOU
SHOULD COME TO MY PARTY.
I MEAN, IT'S NOTHING
MUCH, BUT, YOU KNOW,
I'D LOVE TO SEE YOU
OUT OF YOUR SCRUBS.
I-I MEAN... I MEAN
I-I-IN OTHER CLOTHES...
I-I-IN NORMAL CLOTHES.
JUST... JUST COME.
PETE! WHAT A TREAT!
I WAS EXPECTING PIZZA,
BUT HERE'S SOMETHING
EVEN MORE DE-LICIOUS.
LISTEN, UM...
IRENE, I-I WANT TO
DO SOMETHIN' NICE,
BUT, HONESTLY, I'M AFRAID.
OH... OH, PETE DUNVILLE,
THE ONLY THING YOU SHOULD
BE AFRAID OF IS KRYPTONITE.
RIGHT, WELL, LISTEN, UM,
THERE'S THIS PARTY UPSTAIRS,
AND YOU'RE PROBABLY
GONNA HEAR ABOUT IT,
SO I WAS WONDERIN'
IF YOU'D LIKE TO...
BE YOUR DATE!
NOT MY DATE.
NOT MY DATE,
BUT IF YOU WANTED
TO COME WITH ME, AND...
AND KISS YOU AT MIDNIGHT.
NO, SEE, THAT'S THE
THING I'M AFRAID OF.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, IRENE,
I DON'T WANT YOU LEFT OUT
ON NEW YEAR'S EVE, OKAY?
SO, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO COME
WITH ME TO ASHLEY'S PARTY,
PROVIDED... CALM DOWN.
PROVIDED YOU CAN ACT
LIKE NORMAL PERSONA
FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.
OH, PETE DUNVILLE,
I AM ON CLOUD 99 THAT
YOU ARE ASKING ME
TO BE YOUR ESCORT ON THE
EVE OF A NEW AND GRAND ERA!
I AM NOT ONLY HONORED...
I'M UP TO THE TASK!
OKAY, RIGHT THERE. NONE OF THAT.
OKEY-DOKEY, ARTICHOKEY.
AND NO RHYMING. CAN DO.
OH, KITTY BUM-BUM WAS HAVING A
PARTY FOR THE REST OF THE CATS.
OH, WELL, I'LL JUST
SLIP OUT QUIETLY.
REMEMBER THE
BUZZWORD... "NORMAL."
MR. GOULET.
YES.
OH, MY GOD, IT IS YOU.
YOU SOUND SURPRISED.
HAVE YOU BEEN
MISPLACING PATIENTS?
NO, IT'S JUST THAT WE'VE HAD
FOUR TOM JONESES THIS MONTH,
AND NOT ONE OF THEM
HAVE PANNED OUT.
[CHUCKLES]
SO, WHAT SEEMS
TO BE THE TROUBLE?
THE MAGAZINES HERE SUCK.
OH, THAT'S A
CHILDREN'S MAGAZINE.
I KNOW. IT SUCKS.
HEY, THAT'S MY MAGAZINE!
SHE'LL MAKE A GREAT
EX-WIFE SOMEDAY.
MR. GOULET, WE KNOW YOU DIDN'T
COME HERE FOR THE MAGAZINES.
YEAH, I'VE HAD AN EARACHE
THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS,
AND LAST NIGHT ON THE
STAGE, I FELT A LITTLE DIZZY.
WELL, LET'S HAVE
A LOOK, SHALL WE?
OKAY, SAY "AH."
♪ AH ♪
WELL, I'M NOT SURE, BUTI'LL
CHECK WITH MY ATTENDING.
IT LOOKS TO ME LIKE YOU
HAVE AN INNER-EAR INFECTION.
THEY'RE GONNA
GIVE YO SOME DROPS.
YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO
KEEP IT WARM, AND NO FLYING.
YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING, DOC.
I'M ON A FLIGHT TO
LAS VEGAS TONIGHT.
I'M PERFORMING NEW YEAR'S EVE.
DOC, WE HAVE A
SUPERSTITION IN MY BUSINESS...
YOU TO PERFORM
NEW YEAR'S EVE HAVE
OR ELSE [CLUCKS] YOU'RE THROUGH.
WELL, IF YOU JUST WANT
TO SING, YOU KNOW...
MY FRIEND'S HAVING A PARTY.
WOULD IT BE AT A CASINO
WITH A 200-FOOT STAGE
AND 60 TOPLESS DANCERS?
NO.
IT WOULD BE IN A SMALL APARTMENT
WITH BORING PEOPLE
AND A KARAOKE MACHINE.
REALLY?!
I LOVE KARAOKE!
WOW. THE BATHROOM IS
SO LUXURIOUS TO ME NOW.
IT HAS A DOOR AND EVERYTHING.
I FEEL LIKE I JUST
HAD A DAY AT THE SPA.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
COME IN!
HEY, IS BERG HERE? HE
ASKED ME TO STOP BY.
NOT YET. I'M BRINGIN'SOMEONE
TO THE PARTY.
IS THAT OKAY?
SURE, IF YOU CAN
AFFORD TO PAY HER
ALL THE WAY THROUGH MIDNIGHT.
HE'S TAKIN' IRENE.
I BET SHE WEARS A DIAPER
AND COMES AS BABY NEW YEAR.
N-N-N-NO, IT'LL BE
SOMETHING MORE SUBTLE.
SHE'LL PROBABLY
BATHE HERSELF IN URINE,
PUT CHEWING GUM ON HER
HEAD, AND COME AS TIMES SQUARE.
COME ON.
SHE WOULDN'T DO THAT.
WOULD SHE?
I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.
I MEAN, UNLESS ONE OF HER
CATS TALKS HER OUT OF IT.
HELLO, PEOPLE.
HEY, BERG, I GOT YOUR MESSAGE.
WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT THAT YOU
COULDN'T LEAVE IT ON MY MACHINE?
I TALKED ONE OF MY PATIENTS
INTO COMING TO YOUR PARTY.
HE'S AGREED TO ENTERTAIN.
YOU CAN THANK ME LATER.
IT'S ROBERT GOULET.
ROBERT GOULET?
ROBERTO GOULET!
DID YOU HEAR THAT?
WE GET TO SPEND NEW YEAR'S
EVE WITH ROBERT GOULET!
IN THE BUILDING,
WHILE WE'RE DOWN IN THE
BASEMENT HAVIN' OUR SPECIAL EVENING!
WOULD YOU RATHER
SEE ROBERT GOULET
THAN SPEND TIME ALONE WITH ME?
IF YOU DO.
I DON'T. THEN NEITHER DO I.
HEY, I GET TO COME TO
THE PARTY AFTER ALL.
OH, WELL, YOU SHOULD
PROBABLY KNOW... I HAVE A DATE.
OH, IT WON'T BOTHER ME.
I MEAN, I'M BRINGIN'
BOBBY GOULET.
HOOO! HOW'D YOU GET OFF WORK?
OH, I TRADED SHIFTS
WITH THAT BRITISH GUY,
[British accent] DR. VAMESSEY.
WHAT?! YOU JERK!
WHAT DID I DO?
YOU SAW ME INVITING
DR. VAMESSEY,
AND THEN YOU SWITCHED WITH HIM!
WE WERE SUPPOSED TO
BE NICE TO EACH OTHER,
AND YOU COULDN'T
EVEN LAST ONE DAY!
WELL, CONGRATULATIONS, BERG,
YOU'VE MANAGED TO RUIN
TWO CENTURIES FOR ME!
I SWEAR, I DIDN'T KNOW!
OH, MY GOD.
I SEEN HAVE GUM IN IRENE'S HAIR.
NOPE. NOPE.
HEY... EVEN THE TELETUBBIES
HAVE A NEW YEAR'S SPECIA.
BERG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GET IN THE SHOWER
AND GET DRESSED.
IF I GO TO THE PARTY,
ASHLEY AND I ARE JUST GONNA
TAKE SHOTS AT EACH OTHER.
I'M NOT GONNA START THE NEW
YEAR WITH THE SAME BAD PATTERNS.
WELL, IF YOU'RE NOT
GOING, I'M NOT GOING.
AS YOUR BEST FRIEND, MY
PLACE IS RIGHT HERE WITH YOU.
SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT IRENE?
WHAT WAS I THINKING?!
AW, GOD, BERG,
I'M NOT CUT OUTTO
BE A GOOD PERSON.
YEAH, THAT'S WHY THE
LORD GAVE US GOOD LOOKS.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
THAT'S HER. WHAT
DO YOU WANNA DO?
I DON'T KNOW, M-MAKE
UP AN EXCUSE OKAY.
OH, BERG, MAKE IT BELIEVABLE.
AND DON'T HURT HER FEELINGS.
WAIT, BERG!
MAKE ME LOOK GOOD.
HEY, PETE. HIDE.
IRENE... GOOD EVENING, BERG.
IS PETER READY?
DAMN.
PETE?
I THINK YOU'RE GONNA
WANT TO TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
YOU SURE?
PRETTY SURE.
WHOO...
BERG... HOW LONG
WAS I UNCONSCIOUS?
WOW!
IRENE, I-IS THAT YOU?
YOU... YOU LOOK AMAZING.
OH, KITTY BUM-BUM
SAID THE SAME THING.
OKAY, IT'S YOU.
[LAUGHS]
THANKS. SHALL WE GO?
YEAH.
BERG... GO! GO!
HAVE FUN. HAPPY NEW YEAR.
YOU SURE?
YEAH, I'LL BE FINE.I'M
GONNA HAVE A GREAT TIME.
ALL RIGHT.
I'M GONNA CRASH
KITTY BUM-BUM'S PARTY.
[ CHILDREN'S MUSIC PLAYS]
[Imitating Teletubbies] UH-OH!
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
GOOD EVENING.
IRENE?
WOW, YOU'VE DONE SOMETHING
DIFFERENT WITH YOUR...
SELF.
WELL, YES, AND I HAVE
A DATE FOR NEW YEAR'S.
AND YOU?
HELLO, IRENE!
EXCUSE ME, IS THIS,
UH, IS THIS THE PARTY?
OH, YES, IT IS.
OH, PLEASE, MR. GOULET, COME IN.
I'VE HAD MORE
PEOPLE IN MY BATHTUB.
OH... GOSH, I-I'M SORRY
THE PARTY'S SO SMALL.
NO, NO, NO, THAT
DOESN'T BOTHER ME...
5 PEOPLE OR 5,000.
LET'S CRANK UP THAT
OLD KARAOKE MACHINE,
'CAUSE YOUR DADDY
IS READY TO SING.
[ INDISTINCT MUSIC PLAYS]
SHARON... I CAN HEAR HIM!
I CAN'T BELIEVE ROBERT
GOULET IS SINGIN' IN MY PIPES!
Sharon: THAT'S GREAT, BABY!
ARE YOU READY FOR
SURPRISE NUMBER ONE?!
UH-HUH. SURE, HONEY.
HEY!
TRYING TO BE SEXY HERE
AND DOING A GREAT JOB, HONEY.
[APPLAUSE]
AH, THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[GASPS]
OH, OH, MRS. OLSEN, I'M SORRY
ARE WE MAKING TOO MUCH NOISE?
ROBERT GOULET IS
NOT NOISE, YOUNG LADY.
GOULET AND I ON A
TOUR BUS, THAT'S NOISE.
HEY, BOB!
REMEMBER ME?
HEY, ASH, THIS PARTY'S
TURNING OUT TO BE PRETTY GOOD.
I'M GLAD YOU'RE
HAVING A GOOD TIME.
I DON'T KNOW ANYONE HERE,
AND I DON'T HAVE A DATE.
ANY OPPORTUNITY HE CAN
FIND TO MAKE ME MISERABLE,
HE TAKES IT.
AWW. YOU'RE RUNNIN' LOW ON BEER.
HEY, I HAVE YOUR PUNCH, IRENE.
[SIGHS]
IRENE?
OH, I'M SORRY, PETE.
THERE IS JUST SOMETHING
HYPNOTIC ABOUT THIS MUSIC MAN.
OH, HE TOUCHES THE
WOMAN INSIDE OF ME.
HIS WORDS SPEAK TO MY SOUL.
HE JUST SANG "CARWASH."
NOT NOW, PETE. I'M
STILL FEELING GOULET.
OH, EXCUSE ME.
WERE YOU JUST IN APARTMENT
"E"? DID YOU SEE MR. GOULET?
YES, AND I'M COMIN' RIGHT BACK.
IT AIN'T GOULET WITHOUT
A JACK AND SEVEN.
JOHNNY!
HEY, KEEP IT DOWN, GOULET!
WE'RE TRYIN' TO HAVEA
ROMANTIC EVENING DOWN HERE!
YOU'RE OUT HERE TRYING
TO LISTEN TO ROBERT GOULET.
WHAT IS WITH YOU
AND ROBERT GOULET?!
YOU'RE LIKE A FREAK
FOR ROBERT GOULET!
OKAY, OKAY, LOOK,
MY GRANDFATHER USED TO
PLAY ALL THE TIME HIS RECORDS
AND HE WOULD SING ALONG
AND I'D FALL ASLEEP ON HIS LAP.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT, SWEETIE?
I NEVER FELT SO
SAFE... AND SO LOVED.
AND SOMEHOW, HEARING
ROBERT GOULET SING,
IT JUST... BRINGS MY
GRANDFATHER A LITTLE BIT CLOSER.
YOUR GRANDFATHER
MOVED TO FLORIDA
WITH HIS HOME HEALTHCARE WORKER.
[APPLAUSE]
OH, THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
I'M GOING TO TAKE
A BREAK RIGHT NOW.
UH, DON'T FORGET TO
TIP YOUR WAITRESSES.
MR. GOULET, I WAS
A WAITRESS ONCE.
DO YOU HAVE A TIP FOR ME?
YES. WATCH OUT FOR OLDER MEN.
[GIGGLES]
OH, MR. GOULET!
CALL ME BOB GOULET.
OH, IT IS YOU!
EXCUSE ME?
WE TAKE THE SAME TRAIN.
YOU SMILED AT ME ONCE,
BUT I WAS TOO SHY TO SAY "HI."
BUT I MADE THE RESOLUTION
TO NOT LET
OPPORTUNITIES SLIP AWAY.
OH, THAT'S NICE.
WOULD YOU EXCUSE
ME? I HAVE TO SLIP AWAY
I DON'T REALLY MISS THE
AUDIENCES THAT MUCH.
YOU KNOW WHAT I REALLY MISS?
AND I DON'T SHARE
THIS WITH EVERYONE...
I AM YOUR SAFE
HARBOR, BOB GOULET.
I REALLY MISS MY CATS.
ALL SEVEN OF THEM.
OH, GOODY.
BETWEEN US, WE
HAVE ALMOST 50 CATS!
[Chuckling] OKAY.
YOU'RE NOT, UH,
MOVING IN ON MY DATE,
ARE YOU, MR. GOULET?
YES, I AM.
OH! HEY!
DR. VAMESSEY.
UM, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE?
ABOUT 20 MINUTES. GREAT PARTY!
I CAME AS SOON AS I FOUND
OUT ROBERT GOULET WAS HERE!
WOW. WHO TOLD YOU?
BERGEN. HE SHOWED
UP AT THE HOSPITAL,
INSISTED ON TAKING MY SHIFT.
REALLY?
YEAH. HE REALLY IS A GREAT GUY
YEAH. YEAH, SOMETIMES
HE, UM, SURPRISES YOU.
SO, HEY, ARE YOU GONNA
STICK AROUND FOR A WHILE?
ABSOLUTELY.
GOULET AND I ARE ON THE LIST
TO SING THE TOMATO,
"TOMAHTO" SONG.
NOW, THE NEXT TIME WE
OPEN A CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE,
WHAT DO WE DO?
WE POINT IT AWAY FROM OUR FACE.
HELLO, BERG.
HEY, ASHLEY. HOW'S THE PARTY?
IT'S GREAT. GOULET'S A BIG HIT.
BOBBY GOULET!
LISTEN, I WANTED TO THANK YOU
FOR HOLDING UP YOUR
END OF THE RESOLUTION,
AND TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE WHOLE
DR. VAMESSEY MISUNDERSTANDING.
I SHOULD HAVE GIVEN
YOU MORE CREDIT.
OH, WELL, THANK YOU.
NO, NO, THANK YOU.
IT'S NICE TO SEE THAT WE
CAN REALLY JUST BE FRIENDS.
SO... HAPPY NEW YEAR.
HAPPY NEW YEAR.
JOHNNY?
I'M IN THE BATHROOM,
HONEY. JUST A MINUTE.
OKAY.
Come on, come on, come
on! Hurry, hurry, hurry!
WOW, THIS REMINDS ME OF
CUTTING THROUGH THE KITCHEN
AT THE SANDS.
Johnny: SHARON, HONEY,
I'M REALLY SORRY.
NO, BABY, THE POINT
OF THIS WHOLE NIGHT
SHOULD BE THAT WE
BOTH HAVE A GOOD TIME,
AND IT'S ONE WE'LL
ALWAYS REMEMBER.
EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING.
Okay, okay, okay,
When he comes
out, you start singing.
Johnny: HERE I COME!
WHA... YAH!
[EXHALES LOUDLY]
♪ IF EVER I WOULD LEAVE YOU ♪
♪ IT WOULDN'T BE IN SUMMER ♪
♪ SEEING YOU IN SUMMER ♪
♪ I NEVER WOULD GO... ♪
THAT WAS SOME HUG.
WHAT IT IS WITH US?
WE EITHER FIGH TOR WE HAVE SEX.
YEAH. WE OUGHT TO FIND
SOME MIDDLE GROUND.
WELL, THAT COULD BEOUR
NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION.
GREAT.
CAN YOU... GET MY
CLOTHES FOR ME?
I NEED TO GET BACK TO MY DATE.
All: SIX! FIVE!
FOUR!
THREE!
TWO.
ONE.
[BLOWING]
HAPPY NEW YEAR.
THIS CENTURY'S GONNA SUCK.
♪ YOU SAY "EITHER" ♪
♪ AND I SAY "EY-THER" ♪
♪ YOU SAY "NEITHER" ♪
♪ AND I SAY "NY-THER" ♪
♪ EITHER ♪
♪ "EY-THER" ♪
♪ NEITHER ♪
♪ "NY-THER" ♪
♪ LET'S CALL THE
WHOLE THING OFF ♪
♪ YOU SAY "POTATO"
♪ AND I SAY "POTAHTO" ♪
♪ YOU SAY "TOMATO" ♪
♪ AND I SAY "TOMAHTO" ♪
♪ POTATO ♪
♪ "POTAHTO" ♪
♪ TOMATO ♪
♪ "TOMAHTO" ♪
♪ LET'S CALL... ♪
HOLD IT! HOLD IT!
WHAT?
I'M SUPPOSED TO SING WITH HIM!
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'VE BEEN HOGGIN' THE
MACHINE ALL NIGHT, GOULET!
I THINK THIS BASEMENT'SREALLY
COMIN' TOGETHER.
I MEAN, IT TOOK A
LITTLE GETTIN' USED TO,
BUT I THINK IT'S KIND OF HOMEY.
YEAH.
OH, OH, OH!
AND MAYBE LATER,
THE GUARDS WILL GIVE US
A HALF-HOUR IN THE YARD!
HEY, GUYS,
IF ALL THIS Y2K HYSTERIA
TURNS OUT TO BE TRUE,
OUR NEIGHBORHOOD
HAS AN OLD BOMB SHELTER.
HEY, HEY, HEY, LET ME
GUESS... I'M CLEANIN' IT!
WHAT'S GOING ON FOR NEW YEAR'S?
SHARON WON'T TELL METHE DETAILS.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M PLANNING A VERY
INTIMATE, ROMANTIC DINNER.
SO, WHAT, 8:00, NO JEANS?
SORRY, PETE.
JOHNNY AND I DISCUSSED IT,
AND AS MUCH AS WE
LOVE OUR FRIENDS,
I WANT TO SPEND THE
LAST NIGHT OF THE CENTURY
IN THE ARMS OF THE MAN I LOVE.
MMM.
WERE THESE IN THE TOILET?
HELLO, HELLO.
HEY, ASH. WHAT
BRINGS YOU DOWN HERE?
CLOVEN HOOVES.
AH, PETE...
THE REASON PEOPLENO
LONGER BUY MISTLE TOE.
SO, GUYS, IF YOU
DON'T HAVE PLANS,
I AM HAVING A NEW YEAR'S PARTY.
NOTHING HUGE,
JUST A FEW FRIENDS.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
OH, THAT'S SO SWEET,
BUT JOHNNY AND I ARE
GONNA SPEND IT TOGETHER.
PETE?
WAIT A MINUTE, LET
ME GET THIS STRAIGHT...
YOU ARE ME INVITING
TO YOUR PARTY?
YOU'RE NOT GONNA
FILL ME WITH CANDY
AND WHACK ME WITH
A STICK, ARE YOU?
NO, IT'S THE NEW YEAR,
AND MY RESOLUTION IS TO BE A
MORE COMPASSIONATE PERSON
AND GET ALONG WITH
THOSE AROUND ME.
OH, MY GOD, THE WORLD
REALLY IS GONNA END!
HELLO, BERG.
HEY, ASHLEY, HOW YA DO...
WHAT'S THAT SMILE ABOUT?
WHAT DID YOU DO TO PETE?
NOTHING.
LOOK, IT'S THE NEW YEAR, SO...
WHY DON'T WE JUST
WIPE THE SLATE CLEAN
AND TRY AND BE KIND AND
FRIENDLY TO EACH OTHER?
CAN WE DO THAT?
YOU KNOW WHAT, ASH?
I'D LOVE TO BE FRIENDS.
GREAT. WELL, I AM HAVING
A NEW YEAR'S PARTY.
JUST SOME PEOPLE,
CHEAP CHAMPAGNE, KARAOKE,
AND YOU, IF YOU'D LIKE TO COME.
SOUNDS GREAT, BUT
I CAN'T. I'M ON DUTY.
YES!
SORRY, THAT WAS JUST
A HOLD OVER FROM 1999.
[British accent]
HELLO, DR. WALKER.
OH! [LAUGHS]
HI, DR. VAMESSEY!
[GIGGLES]
SO, WHAT DID YOU... WHAT
DID YOU DO FOR CHRISTMAS?
I WORKED.
YES, I SPENT THE HOLIEST
NIGHT OF THE YEAR
TREATING A WISE MAN WHO
ATTACHED HIS BEARD WITH CRAZY GLUE.
WHAT YOU DID DO?
OH, I, UM, I WENT HOME
TO VISIT MY FAMILY.
THAT SOUNDS NICE.
WELL, GREAT, NEXT
YEAR I'LL SEND YOU.
SO, UM, SO, HEY, WHAT ARE YOU...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
FOR NEW YEAR'S?
NOTHING. I PUT MY NAME
ON THE LIST FOR E.R.
OH, HEY, HEY! YOU
SHOULD COME TO MY PARTY.
I MEAN, IT'S NOTHING
MUCH, BUT, YOU KNOW,
I'D LOVE TO SEE YOU
OUT OF YOUR SCRUBS.
I-I MEAN... I MEAN
I-I-IN OTHER CLOTHES...
I-I-IN NORMAL CLOTHES.
JUST... JUST COME.
PETE! WHAT A TREAT!
I WAS EXPECTING PIZZA,
BUT HERE'S SOMETHING
EVEN MORE DE-LICIOUS.
LISTEN, UM...
IRENE, I-I WANT TO
DO SOMETHIN' NICE,
BUT, HONESTLY, I'M AFRAID.
OH... OH, PETE DUNVILLE,
THE ONLY THING YOU SHOULD
BE AFRAID OF IS KRYPTONITE.
RIGHT, WELL, LISTEN, UM,
THERE'S THIS PARTY UPSTAIRS,
AND YOU'RE PROBABLY
GONNA HEAR ABOUT IT,
SO I WAS WONDERIN'
IF YOU'D LIKE TO...
BE YOUR DATE!
NOT MY DATE.
NOT MY DATE,
BUT IF YOU WANTED
TO COME WITH ME, AND...
AND KISS YOU AT MIDNIGHT.
NO, SEE, THAT'S THE
THING I'M AFRAID OF.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, IRENE,
I DON'T WANT YOU LEFT OUT
ON NEW YEAR'S EVE, OKAY?
SO, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO COME
WITH ME TO ASHLEY'S PARTY,
PROVIDED... CALM DOWN.
PROVIDED YOU CAN ACT
LIKE NORMAL PERSONA
FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.
OH, PETE DUNVILLE,
I AM ON CLOUD 99 THAT
YOU ARE ASKING ME
TO BE YOUR ESCORT ON THE
EVE OF A NEW AND GRAND ERA!
I AM NOT ONLY HONORED...
I'M UP TO THE TASK!
OKAY, RIGHT THERE. NONE OF THAT.
OKEY-DOKEY, ARTICHOKEY.
AND NO RHYMING. CAN DO.
OH, KITTY BUM-BUM WAS HAVING A
PARTY FOR THE REST OF THE CATS.
OH, WELL, I'LL JUST
SLIP OUT QUIETLY.
REMEMBER THE
BUZZWORD... "NORMAL."
MR. GOULET.
YES.
OH, MY GOD, IT IS YOU.
YOU SOUND SURPRISED.
HAVE YOU BEEN
MISPLACING PATIENTS?
NO, IT'S JUST THAT WE'VE HAD
FOUR TOM JONESES THIS MONTH,
AND NOT ONE OF THEM
HAVE PANNED OUT.
[CHUCKLES]
SO, WHAT SEEMS
TO BE THE TROUBLE?
THE MAGAZINES HERE SUCK.
OH, THAT'S A
CHILDREN'S MAGAZINE.
I KNOW. IT SUCKS.
HEY, THAT'S MY MAGAZINE!
SHE'LL MAKE A GREAT
EX-WIFE SOMEDAY.
MR. GOULET, WE KNOW YOU DIDN'T
COME HERE FOR THE MAGAZINES.
YEAH, I'VE HAD AN EARACHE
THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS,
AND LAST NIGHT ON THE
STAGE, I FELT A LITTLE DIZZY.
WELL, LET'S HAVE
A LOOK, SHALL WE?
OKAY, SAY "AH."
♪ AH ♪
WELL, I'M NOT SURE, BUTI'LL
CHECK WITH MY ATTENDING.
IT LOOKS TO ME LIKE YOU
HAVE AN INNER-EAR INFECTION.
THEY'RE GONNA
GIVE YO SOME DROPS.
YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO
KEEP IT WARM, AND NO FLYING.
YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING, DOC.
I'M ON A FLIGHT TO
LAS VEGAS TONIGHT.
I'M PERFORMING NEW YEAR'S EVE.
DOC, WE HAVE A
SUPERSTITION IN MY BUSINESS...
YOU TO PERFORM
NEW YEAR'S EVE HAVE
OR ELSE [CLUCKS] YOU'RE THROUGH.
WELL, IF YOU JUST WANT
TO SING, YOU KNOW...
MY FRIEND'S HAVING A PARTY.
WOULD IT BE AT A CASINO
WITH A 200-FOOT STAGE
AND 60 TOPLESS DANCERS?
NO.
IT WOULD BE IN A SMALL APARTMENT
WITH BORING PEOPLE
AND A KARAOKE MACHINE.
REALLY?!
I LOVE KARAOKE!
WOW. THE BATHROOM IS
SO LUXURIOUS TO ME NOW.
IT HAS A DOOR AND EVERYTHING.
I FEEL LIKE I JUST
HAD A DAY AT THE SPA.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
COME IN!
HEY, IS BERG HERE? HE
ASKED ME TO STOP BY.
NOT YET. I'M BRINGIN'SOMEONE
TO THE PARTY.
IS THAT OKAY?
SURE, IF YOU CAN
AFFORD TO PAY HER
ALL THE WAY THROUGH MIDNIGHT.
HE'S TAKIN' IRENE.
I BET SHE WEARS A DIAPER
AND COMES AS BABY NEW YEAR.
N-N-N-NO, IT'LL BE
SOMETHING MORE SUBTLE.
SHE'LL PROBABLY
BATHE HERSELF IN URINE,
PUT CHEWING GUM ON HER
HEAD, AND COME AS TIMES SQUARE.
COME ON.
SHE WOULDN'T DO THAT.
WOULD SHE?
I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.
I MEAN, UNLESS ONE OF HER
CATS TALKS HER OUT OF IT.
HELLO, PEOPLE.
HEY, BERG, I GOT YOUR MESSAGE.
WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT THAT YOU
COULDN'T LEAVE IT ON MY MACHINE?
I TALKED ONE OF MY PATIENTS
INTO COMING TO YOUR PARTY.
HE'S AGREED TO ENTERTAIN.
YOU CAN THANK ME LATER.
IT'S ROBERT GOULET.
ROBERT GOULET?
ROBERTO GOULET!
DID YOU HEAR THAT?
WE GET TO SPEND NEW YEAR'S
EVE WITH ROBERT GOULET!
IN THE BUILDING,
WHILE WE'RE DOWN IN THE
BASEMENT HAVIN' OUR SPECIAL EVENING!
WOULD YOU RATHER
SEE ROBERT GOULET
THAN SPEND TIME ALONE WITH ME?
IF YOU DO.
I DON'T. THEN NEITHER DO I.
HEY, I GET TO COME TO
THE PARTY AFTER ALL.
OH, WELL, YOU SHOULD
PROBABLY KNOW... I HAVE A DATE.
OH, IT WON'T BOTHER ME.
I MEAN, I'M BRINGIN'
BOBBY GOULET.
HOOO! HOW'D YOU GET OFF WORK?
OH, I TRADED SHIFTS
WITH THAT BRITISH GUY,
[British accent] DR. VAMESSEY.
WHAT?! YOU JERK!
WHAT DID I DO?
YOU SAW ME INVITING
DR. VAMESSEY,
AND THEN YOU SWITCHED WITH HIM!
WE WERE SUPPOSED TO
BE NICE TO EACH OTHER,
AND YOU COULDN'T
EVEN LAST ONE DAY!
WELL, CONGRATULATIONS, BERG,
YOU'VE MANAGED TO RUIN
TWO CENTURIES FOR ME!
I SWEAR, I DIDN'T KNOW!
OH, MY GOD.
I SEEN HAVE GUM IN IRENE'S HAIR.
NOPE. NOPE.
HEY... EVEN THE TELETUBBIES
HAVE A NEW YEAR'S SPECIA.
BERG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GET IN THE SHOWER
AND GET DRESSED.
IF I GO TO THE PARTY,
ASHLEY AND I ARE JUST GONNA
TAKE SHOTS AT EACH OTHER.
I'M NOT GONNA START THE NEW
YEAR WITH THE SAME BAD PATTERNS.
WELL, IF YOU'RE NOT
GOING, I'M NOT GOING.
AS YOUR BEST FRIEND, MY
PLACE IS RIGHT HERE WITH YOU.
SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT IRENE?
WHAT WAS I THINKING?!
AW, GOD, BERG,
I'M NOT CUT OUTTO
BE A GOOD PERSON.
YEAH, THAT'S WHY THE
LORD GAVE US GOOD LOOKS.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
THAT'S HER. WHAT
DO YOU WANNA DO?
I DON'T KNOW, M-MAKE
UP AN EXCUSE OKAY.
OH, BERG, MAKE IT BELIEVABLE.
AND DON'T HURT HER FEELINGS.
WAIT, BERG!
MAKE ME LOOK GOOD.
HEY, PETE. HIDE.
IRENE... GOOD EVENING, BERG.
IS PETER READY?
DAMN.
PETE?
I THINK YOU'RE GONNA
WANT TO TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
YOU SURE?
PRETTY SURE.
WHOO...
BERG... HOW LONG
WAS I UNCONSCIOUS?
WOW!
IRENE, I-IS THAT YOU?
YOU... YOU LOOK AMAZING.
OH, KITTY BUM-BUM
SAID THE SAME THING.
OKAY, IT'S YOU.
[LAUGHS]
THANKS. SHALL WE GO?
YEAH.
BERG... GO! GO!
HAVE FUN. HAPPY NEW YEAR.
YOU SURE?
YEAH, I'LL BE FINE.I'M
GONNA HAVE A GREAT TIME.
ALL RIGHT.
I'M GONNA CRASH
KITTY BUM-BUM'S PARTY.
[ CHILDREN'S MUSIC PLAYS]
[Imitating Teletubbies] UH-OH!
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
GOOD EVENING.
IRENE?
WOW, YOU'VE DONE SOMETHING
DIFFERENT WITH YOUR...
SELF.
WELL, YES, AND I HAVE
A DATE FOR NEW YEAR'S.
AND YOU?
HELLO, IRENE!
EXCUSE ME, IS THIS,
UH, IS THIS THE PARTY?
OH, YES, IT IS.
OH, PLEASE, MR. GOULET, COME IN.
I'VE HAD MORE
PEOPLE IN MY BATHTUB.
OH... GOSH, I-I'M SORRY
THE PARTY'S SO SMALL.
NO, NO, NO, THAT
DOESN'T BOTHER ME...
5 PEOPLE OR 5,000.
LET'S CRANK UP THAT
OLD KARAOKE MACHINE,
'CAUSE YOUR DADDY
IS READY TO SING.
[ INDISTINCT MUSIC PLAYS]
SHARON... I CAN HEAR HIM!
I CAN'T BELIEVE ROBERT
GOULET IS SINGIN' IN MY PIPES!
Sharon: THAT'S GREAT, BABY!
ARE YOU READY FOR
SURPRISE NUMBER ONE?!
UH-HUH. SURE, HONEY.
HEY!
TRYING TO BE SEXY HERE
AND DOING A GREAT JOB, HONEY.
[APPLAUSE]
AH, THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[GASPS]
OH, OH, MRS. OLSEN, I'M SORRY
ARE WE MAKING TOO MUCH NOISE?
ROBERT GOULET IS
NOT NOISE, YOUNG LADY.
GOULET AND I ON A
TOUR BUS, THAT'S NOISE.
HEY, BOB!
REMEMBER ME?
HEY, ASH, THIS PARTY'S
TURNING OUT TO BE PRETTY GOOD.
I'M GLAD YOU'RE
HAVING A GOOD TIME.
I DON'T KNOW ANYONE HERE,
AND I DON'T HAVE A DATE.
ANY OPPORTUNITY HE CAN
FIND TO MAKE ME MISERABLE,
HE TAKES IT.
AWW. YOU'RE RUNNIN' LOW ON BEER.
HEY, I HAVE YOUR PUNCH, IRENE.
[SIGHS]
IRENE?
OH, I'M SORRY, PETE.
THERE IS JUST SOMETHING
HYPNOTIC ABOUT THIS MUSIC MAN.
OH, HE TOUCHES THE
WOMAN INSIDE OF ME.
HIS WORDS SPEAK TO MY SOUL.
HE JUST SANG "CARWASH."
NOT NOW, PETE. I'M
STILL FEELING GOULET.
OH, EXCUSE ME.
WERE YOU JUST IN APARTMENT
"E"? DID YOU SEE MR. GOULET?
YES, AND I'M COMIN' RIGHT BACK.
IT AIN'T GOULET WITHOUT
A JACK AND SEVEN.
JOHNNY!
HEY, KEEP IT DOWN, GOULET!
WE'RE TRYIN' TO HAVEA
ROMANTIC EVENING DOWN HERE!
YOU'RE OUT HERE TRYING
TO LISTEN TO ROBERT GOULET.
WHAT IS WITH YOU
AND ROBERT GOULET?!
YOU'RE LIKE A FREAK
FOR ROBERT GOULET!
OKAY, OKAY, LOOK,
MY GRANDFATHER USED TO
PLAY ALL THE TIME HIS RECORDS
AND HE WOULD SING ALONG
AND I'D FALL ASLEEP ON HIS LAP.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT, SWEETIE?
I NEVER FELT SO
SAFE... AND SO LOVED.
AND SOMEHOW, HEARING
ROBERT GOULET SING,
IT JUST... BRINGS MY
GRANDFATHER A LITTLE BIT CLOSER.
YOUR GRANDFATHER
MOVED TO FLORIDA
WITH HIS HOME HEALTHCARE WORKER.
[APPLAUSE]
OH, THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
I'M GOING TO TAKE
A BREAK RIGHT NOW.
UH, DON'T FORGET TO
TIP YOUR WAITRESSES.
MR. GOULET, I WAS
A WAITRESS ONCE.
DO YOU HAVE A TIP FOR ME?
YES. WATCH OUT FOR OLDER MEN.
[GIGGLES]
OH, MR. GOULET!
CALL ME BOB GOULET.
OH, IT IS YOU!
EXCUSE ME?
WE TAKE THE SAME TRAIN.
YOU SMILED AT ME ONCE,
BUT I WAS TOO SHY TO SAY "HI."
BUT I MADE THE RESOLUTION
TO NOT LET
OPPORTUNITIES SLIP AWAY.
OH, THAT'S NICE.
WOULD YOU EXCUSE
ME? I HAVE TO SLIP AWAY
I DON'T REALLY MISS THE
AUDIENCES THAT MUCH.
YOU KNOW WHAT I REALLY MISS?
AND I DON'T SHARE
THIS WITH EVERYONE...
I AM YOUR SAFE
HARBOR, BOB GOULET.
I REALLY MISS MY CATS.
ALL SEVEN OF THEM.
OH, GOODY.
BETWEEN US, WE
HAVE ALMOST 50 CATS!
[Chuckling] OKAY.
YOU'RE NOT, UH,
MOVING IN ON MY DATE,
ARE YOU, MR. GOULET?
YES, I AM.
OH! HEY!
DR. VAMESSEY.
UM, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE?
ABOUT 20 MINUTES. GREAT PARTY!
I CAME AS SOON AS I FOUND
OUT ROBERT GOULET WAS HERE!
WOW. WHO TOLD YOU?
BERGEN. HE SHOWED
UP AT THE HOSPITAL,
INSISTED ON TAKING MY SHIFT.
REALLY?
YEAH. HE REALLY IS A GREAT GUY
YEAH. YEAH, SOMETIMES
HE, UM, SURPRISES YOU.
SO, HEY, ARE YOU GONNA
STICK AROUND FOR A WHILE?
ABSOLUTELY.
GOULET AND I ARE ON THE LIST
TO SING THE TOMATO,
"TOMAHTO" SONG.
NOW, THE NEXT TIME WE
OPEN A CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE,
WHAT DO WE DO?
WE POINT IT AWAY FROM OUR FACE.
HELLO, BERG.
HEY, ASHLEY. HOW'S THE PARTY?
IT'S GREAT. GOULET'S A BIG HIT.
BOBBY GOULET!
LISTEN, I WANTED TO THANK YOU
FOR HOLDING UP YOUR
END OF THE RESOLUTION,
AND TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE WHOLE
DR. VAMESSEY MISUNDERSTANDING.
I SHOULD HAVE GIVEN
YOU MORE CREDIT.
OH, WELL, THANK YOU.
NO, NO, THANK YOU.
IT'S NICE TO SEE THAT WE
CAN REALLY JUST BE FRIENDS.
SO... HAPPY NEW YEAR.
HAPPY NEW YEAR.
JOHNNY?
I'M IN THE BATHROOM,
HONEY. JUST A MINUTE.
OKAY.
Come on, come on, come
on! Hurry, hurry, hurry!
WOW, THIS REMINDS ME OF
CUTTING THROUGH THE KITCHEN
AT THE SANDS.
Johnny: SHARON, HONEY,
I'M REALLY SORRY.
NO, BABY, THE POINT
OF THIS WHOLE NIGHT
SHOULD BE THAT WE
BOTH HAVE A GOOD TIME,
AND IT'S ONE WE'LL
ALWAYS REMEMBER.
EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING.
Okay, okay, okay,
When he comes
out, you start singing.
Johnny: HERE I COME!
WHA... YAH!
[EXHALES LOUDLY]
♪ IF EVER I WOULD LEAVE YOU ♪
♪ IT WOULDN'T BE IN SUMMER ♪
♪ SEEING YOU IN SUMMER ♪
♪ I NEVER WOULD GO... ♪
THAT WAS SOME HUG.
WHAT IT IS WITH US?
WE EITHER FIGH TOR WE HAVE SEX.
YEAH. WE OUGHT TO FIND
SOME MIDDLE GROUND.
WELL, THAT COULD BEOUR
NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION.
GREAT.
CAN YOU... GET MY
CLOTHES FOR ME?
I NEED TO GET BACK TO MY DATE.
All: SIX! FIVE!
FOUR!
THREE!
TWO.
ONE.
[BLOWING]
HAPPY NEW YEAR.
THIS CENTURY'S GONNA SUCK.
♪ YOU SAY "EITHER" ♪
♪ AND I SAY "EY-THER" ♪
♪ YOU SAY "NEITHER" ♪
♪ AND I SAY "NY-THER" ♪
♪ EITHER ♪
♪ "EY-THER" ♪
♪ NEITHER ♪
♪ "NY-THER" ♪
♪ LET'S CALL THE
WHOLE THING OFF ♪
♪ YOU SAY "POTATO"
♪ AND I SAY "POTAHTO" ♪
♪ YOU SAY "TOMATO" ♪
♪ AND I SAY "TOMAHTO" ♪
♪ POTATO ♪
♪ "POTAHTO" ♪
♪ TOMATO ♪
♪ "TOMAHTO" ♪
♪ LET'S CALL... ♪
HOLD IT! HOLD IT!
WHAT?
I'M SUPPOSED TO SING WITH HIM!
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'VE BEEN HOGGIN' THE
MACHINE ALL NIGHT, GOULET!