Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 2, Episode 9 - Two Guys, a Girl and Oxford - full transcript

Come on, Pete!
It's just ten bucks!

You want the money...
You get the lecture.

Fine... fine. Go ahead.

Okay.

What did the ant do, and
what did the grasshopper do?

The ant saved his bread crumbs.

PETE: Uh-huh.

And the grasshopper?

He played.

He played! He played!

And when winter time
came, who was better off?



Pete Dunville.

That's right! Pete Dunville.

And that's why I have nearly
300 dollars in my bank account,

and you have next to nothin'.

Thank you.

By the way, this came for
you. I opened it by accident.

They're, uh, they're
calling in your student loan

for 42,000 dollars.

Thanks for the ten.

Hey, look, look! A
limo just pulled up.

Oh, it's Johnny.

He's driving a limo
part-time for some extra cash.

It's awesome.

When he's off duty, we get
to play "Easy Prom Date."



Ooh!

Hi, sweetie.

Hey, baby.

Mwah!

This is, uh, for you, for later.

Oh... [Laughs]

Well, how about
tonight, for a change,

you wear the corsage,
and I'll be the driver?

[Laughs]

Hey, Johnny, you are just
doing this for the money, right?

It's not so you can wear
that really goofy hat?

I know what you
mean. It's a stupid job.

I got to dress up
in this monkey suit.

Drive some stuffed shirt around,
for what? A lousy 100 bucks?

A 100 bucks?

Oh, why don't you get
Pete a job with you?

Well, I'm sure Pete doesn't...

Yeah, he would! Give me the hat!

Hey, guys. Have you
seen Ashley around?

No.

- Has she at least...?
- No.

- But...
- No!

- You looking for Ashley?
- Yeah.

I haven't seen her.

First, she drops this bomb on me

about her
long-distance boyfriend,

and now she's hiding from me.

This is just like when Meg
Ryan wouldn't talk to Billy Crystal

in "When Harry met Sally."

Oh, yeah.

Well, what happened?

He was everything she
thought she hated in a man.

And he kept hounding
her, bothering her,

making her life a
living, breathing hell

until he finally just
broke her spirit.

Oh, God, it was so romantic.

[Chuckles]

Hey, you know what?

I really agree with
Billy Crystals' theory

that men and women can't
be friends without having sex.

So, wh... what
exactly are you saying?

What are you saying?

I'm saying, I'm
saying, I'm saying...

I'm saying...

Look, something shiny.

Jessica, listen...

If it's about Ashley, I don't
want to get in the middle of it.

Look at me, okay?

I can't eat. I can't
sleep. I'm a wreck.

I mean, sure, I still look
good, but that's just genetics.

Look, I need your
help, all right?

- She's at her gym.
- Thank you!

[Groans]

- Ashley.
- Hey, Berg.

Where you been?

You've been
avoiding me all week.

No, I haven't been avoiding you.

Now, um, please don't follow me.

Listen, we need
to talk about this.

- No, I can't.
- Why?

If I talk to you, then...

then you're gonna make
one of your dumb jokes.

And... and then you gonna give
me one of those pathetic looks

with... those big,
brown, puppy-dog eyes.

It's, it's like you
make me feel like...

You, you, you make
me feel... Like...

- dancing?
- [Sighs]

There. Stop that.

Why are you fighting this?

Because, Berg, I have
had something with Justin

for three years.

I... I can't just throw that
all away on something

that might turn out to be...

The... love of your life.

Or a short-lived fling.

I... At least, with
Justin I know it's real.

Oh, oh, you mean
real, like, how he notices

the way you eat
your pizza crust first?

Or, uh...

Or, or how you wear
your, your red sweatshirt

inside out to hide coffee
stain on the shoulder?

Or ma... maybe, uh...

The way you slip
off your right shoe

when you're taking a test

and you just let it... let it
dangle back and forth...

Back and forth...

You noticed that?

That's why I
failed our last quiz.

And I suppose Justin's
more real than me

because he found you first.

But I have just one
question for you, Ashley.

If what you have is so real,

how can he be away
from you for five months,

when I can't stand to be
away from you for five minutes?

This is so unfair.

I... I don't think
this is a good idea.

I think it is.

Damn.

I was hoping it
wouldn't be that good.

Okay, I got to go.

Yes!

Here we are, Ma'am.
Bayside Country Club.

Oh, I dread these
charity events.

Same-old crusty blue-hairs.
Same-old prime rib.

Mmm... I love prime rib.

Really?

Well, maybe you would
like to join me for a nibble?

Oh, Mrs. Ryecart, are
you flirting with me?

I'm harmless.

There'll be a
big tip in it for ya.

Really?

Plus, you have nice shoulders.

And if you stand up,

I can see what
your butt looks like.

Here's the iron.

Thank you.

Oh, you're not going to use
it to make grilled cheese?

No.

So, you're still drivin'?

It must have gone
pretty well last night.

Yeah, I made 300 bucks.

Whoa! How many
people did you drive?

Uh, just one. She was
a rich, lonely widow.

A rich, very generous,
lonely, lonely widow,

who was happy to have somebody
to share a conversation with...

And a waltz.

You waltzed with her?

Yeah, and a couple of tangos.

And she tipped you 300 dollars?

Yeah.

My, God, Pete.

You're a hooker!

It was completely
innocent. And, besides...

I am free to spend time
with whoever I want,

at whatever price
the market will bear.

Hey, guys.

No, we haven't seen her.

Well, that's okay. I have.

I, uh, caught up
to her last night.

We... we talked a little
and... and then we kissed.

- No way.
- [Gasps]

Yes, way.

Oh, finally. Oh, God!

Oh, oh, I'm so happy for you!

Everybody's in love!

You and Ashley. Me and Johnny.

Pete and his tricks.

Clients. They're called clients.

You know, it...
it... it was amazing.

It was... it was everything
I thought it would be.

It was exciting. It
was passionate...

Right up until she ran away.

Well, you need to get
over to Ashley's right now.

Why is that?

'Cause she's feeling
guilty for that kiss.

God, if I know her,

she's sitting at home right now

thinking about
her poor boyfriend

and how she betrayed him.

Wh... wh... what should I do?

Do, do what Richard
Gere did in "Pretty Woman."

Get dressed up.
Get two dozen roses.

And show up at her
building in a limousine.

You think that'll work?

Every woman wants the fantasy.

Give her the fantasy, Berg!

Pete...

Will you drive the fantasy?

[Laughs]

I can't. I can't.
I'm fully booked.

All right, fine, fine.

But nobody laughs if Mrs.
Ryecart calls me "kitten."

[Knocking at door]

[Birds chirping]

Thanks, kitten.

How do I look?

Oh, you put Richard
Gere to shame.

- Look, I'm shaking.
- All right, all right.

Calm down, okay?

All right, now, knock her dead.

Okay.

Ashley?

Pete, when are we
gonna get going?

All right, all right.
In a minute, Marge.

My friends are getting
a little impatient.

Hi! Okay, girls, look...

I told you it would
just be a few minutes,

then we're off to
the gambling barge.

All right, watch your faces.

Ashley!

Ashley!

Would you shut up?

Excuse me, but this is
a private conversation.

Ashley!

Berg... BERG: Jessica.

I need... I need to
speak with Ashley.

She's not home.

Well, are you being serious,

or are you just
covering for her?

I'm betting she's covering.

Berg, I really,
really don't want

to get in the middle of this.

That's it! I'm coming up
there, and nothing can stop me!

Would you mind buzzing me in?

Look, I'm not supposed
to say anything,

but she left town this morning.

What... what do you mean?

She was really upset. She...

She went to Oxford.

Why?

To... see someone.

Someone?

You... you mean her boyfriend?

Sorry, Berg.

I was rootin' for ya.

Me, too.

[Sighs]

[Sighs]

She's gone.

Well, it's not over!

It's not looking very good.

Come on, Berg. She'll be back.

She picked... him, Sharon.

That's it?

You're giving up just like that?

What am I supposed to do, huh?

Do you love her, Berg?

Yes, I do.

No.

Do you really love her?

Or do you just
think you love her

because you can't have her?

I don't... I don't know.

Well, you need to find that out.

How? How? How do I do that?

Go after her! God!

This is one of those moments

you're gonna look
back in 30 years

and see it changed your life.

Now, you may be looking
back with Ashley or without her.

But do you really want
to look back wondering,

"What if"?

MRS. RYECART: Listen to her.

That blonde knows
what she's talking about.

Marge, get back in the car!

Let's go home, Pete.

All right. Sure.

Yeah, yeah.

I need to get my passport
if I'm flying to England.

[Gasps] Yes! Yes!

Good answer! Good
answer! Good answer!

So, I mean, how are you
gonna track down Ashley?

I mean, England's
a pretty big country.

Well, I... I know her
boyfriend's name,

and I know he goes to Oxford.

- Oh...
- It's a piece of cake.

Uh-oh.

What?

Oh, no, nothing...

Oh, I do.

Tell me, wh... What
were you thinking?

All right. I was
just thinking...

You know, what if you
barged into his dorm room,

and they were both,
like, standing there...

Naked?

Thank you.

Now I can just think about
that on the long flight over.

Well, I told you you
didn't want to know.

All right, I got
you a few things,

like toothpaste, razors, shav...

Come on, Sharon.

You already
bought me the ticket.

You didn't have to... Condoms?

Oh, oh, those are
from Mrs. Ryecart.

In London, they're
called "hats".

[Forced laugh]

WOMAN ON PA: This
is the final boarding call

for flight 405 to London.

All right. Well, that's me.

Okay. Ashley doesn't know
it yet, but she is so lucky.

- Make us proud, okay?
- All right.

BERG: Pete?

PETE: Ah, Berg, thank God.

BERG: What is it?

The captain told me
it was an emergency.

PETE: Yeah, um,
when you get to England,

could you pick me up one of
those Big Ben Snow Globes?

Uh, is this Campbell Hall?

Yes.

Great. Look, um...

I need you to call
Justin Thompson for me.

Oh, I'm sorry,
sir, I can't do that.

Look, look, I flew
all night from Boston

to find the woman I
love and win her back.

If you have an ounce
of romance in you,

you'll pick up that
phone and make that call.

You didn't let me finish.
I can't do that because...

he's not here.

He took his
girlfriend on holiday

to the Isle of
Wight this morning.

The Isle of Wight?

Okay, thanks.

Unless it was Bath.

I know it was one of those two.

The Isle of Wight or Bath?

Thank you.

You can definitely rule
out Stratford. I know that.

Oh, wait a minute.

That's sounding familiar.

Maybe it sounds familiar...

because that's where
they said they were going.

Let me think.

"Cheerio, Lucy,
we're off to Stratford."

No, that wasn't it.

Is there a hotel he
might be staying in?

He only stays at
the Four Seasons.

Uh, Isle of Wight, Bath,
Four Seasons, thank you.

Or is it the Intercontinental?

Wrong.

Because of you...

I was on a boat all night...

had my pocket picked in Bath...

But that was okay,
because, thank God,

I had that 20
stashed in my sock.

'Cause that, you know,
at least got me a cab ride

to the middle of "West
Freakin' Nowhere"!

So, please, for the love of God,

tell me where I can
find Justin Thompson!

It turns out they're not going
on holiday until tomorrow.

Oopsie.

Then, where is he?

Right behind you.

It's your lucky day.

Are you Justin Thompson?

Yes.

My, my name is
Berg. Michael Bergan.

I'm in love with
your girlfriend,

and I'm pretty sure
she's in love with me.

What?

[Quietly] Yeah.

Wendy!

Wendy, get over here!

Wendy?

Is that, like,
British for "Ashley"?

You know, like
condoms are "hats".

BERG: Uh, Pete, I... I
couldn't find her anywhere.

PETE: I know. Ashley's back.
She came in looking for you.

BERG: What?

Okay, all right.

Well, pick me up at
the airport in the limo.

We're going over to Ashley's.

[Crickets chirping]

Thanks for the lift.

I hope you're all
nice and cozy in there.

Don't worry about me.

I'm sure some day
my nipples will soften.

I told you, we're not
supposed to use the limousine

for personal
matters, right, Pete?

[Crickets chirping]

He just doesn't listen, Johnny.

Ah, this is just
like in the movies.

You got anything to eat?

Ah, yeah, there's some, uh,

Junior Mints in the
glove compartment.

Oh... And pass me
the licorice whips.

Ashley!

[Crickets chirping]

[Clears throat]

Ashley!

Hey! It's you!

How you doing, buddy?

Uh...

I'm kind of in the middle
of something here.

MAN: Oh, right.

- Ashley!
- Ashley!

Berg?

Ashley.

Hey, I'm glad you came.

The suspense is killing me!

What did Ashley say?

God, I didn't hear
what she said.

Yeah, I don't really
like sitting this close.

I've been wanting
to talk to you.

No, no. Um...

Let me say
something first, okay?

I know... I know that you
think that I'm this big flake

and... and maybe
I deserve that...

And... and if you want to
be with Justin instead of me

because you love
him, then that's fine.

[Crickets chirping]

But, Ashley, if
you're choosing him

because you think what we have

is less serious or
less real, then...

then you're wrong.

You're dead wrong.

And I went all the way
to England to prove that.

Why would you fly to England?

I followed you to Oxford.

[Snickers]

What's so funny?

Um... [Laughs]

Justin teaches at Old Miss.
I was in Oxford, Mississippi.

Mississippi?

Um... That's like
nowhere near England.

[Laughs]

Oh, God, I am...

such a bonehead.

Such an incredibly
in-debt bonehead.

[Laughs]

Actually, I think that's one
of the most romantic things

I've ever heard.

Well, why do you think I did it?

Listen, Berg, I'm coming down.

Okay.

I'm confused.

So, did Ashley go
to England or not?

No.

She went to Mississippi.

- There's two Oxfords!
- Oh...

Okay.

Do you think this is a good
time to go to the bathroom?

[Scoffs]

- Hey.
- Hey.

Listen, Berg, I, um...

I went to Mississippi
to tell Justin

that I didn't think this
long-distance relationship

was working out, and, um...

He agreed with me.

- He did?
- Yeah.

He... he did?

He did!

That's great. Oh...
No, um, no, it's not.

He, um...

He's moving to Boston.

I...

I... I really feel like I owe
it to him to give it a try.

Oh...

I see.

Berg...

No, no, I'm... I'm okay.

[Nervous laugh]

[Berg sighs]

- I'm sorry.
- No.

[Softly] You know...
[Nervous laugh]

This is the worst
movie I've ever seen.

Want a tissue?

[Crying] No, I'm cool.

[Crying] Oh, don't look at me.

Oh, honey!

[Door closing]

- Hey.
- Hey.

[Blowing nose]

You know what, Berg?

If you say the words
"character building"...

No, no, no.

You owe me three
thousand dollars.

No, I'm good.

[Sighs]

You know what,
though, I... [Laughs]

I feel sorry for this Justin
guy 'cause... 'cause now...

now he's going to
have to compete with me

on my home turf.

[Crickets chirping]

Let's get out of here.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

[Groans]

Oh, hey. Don't look at Johnny.

He's a mess.

We're looking for
a Pete Dunville.

Yeah, that's me.

I'm Dave Ryecart.

This is Stanley Babcock
and Richard Webber.

I believe you know our wives.

Uh-oh.

She told me you were dead.

Clearly, we're not.

And we're very
interested in those little

midnight rides of yours.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Look, I swear to God,
nothing happened.

All right? I'll never
take them out again.

Actually, we'd like you to
take them out more often.

Especially on Tuesdays
and Thursdays.

That's when we go to "Hooters".