Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 2, Episode 3 - Two Guys, a Girl and a Tattoo - full transcript

BERG, HAVE YOU
SEEN MY RED TOWEL?

WHAT?

MY RED TOWEL. I GOT TO WASH IT.

MRS. HIMMELFARB'S
CAT TOOK A LEAK ON IT.

WHAT?

NEVER MIND.

PETE, I WANT TO MEET
YOUR NEW GIRLFRIEND.

GO AWAY.

IT IS MY RIGHT TO MEET
THE WOMEN YOU DATE.

AFTER ALL, I RAISED YOU.

LEAVIN' YOU OUT, THAT
REALLY UPSETS YOU, DOESN'T IT?



WELL, YEAH, IT DOES.

I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW
HAPPY THIS MAKES ME.

PLEASE. I INTRODUCE
YOU TO THE GIRLS I DATE.

I INTRODUCED YOU TO ASHLEY.

WE DON'T DATE,
AND WE WON'T DATE.

AW, LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE.

NOW YOU'VE UPSET MY GIRLFRIEND.

AW, WHEN DID YOU
TWO START GOING OUT?

OH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
I REMEMBER. NEVER.

COME ON. DON'T LET
HER FOOL YA, HUH?

WHY DO YOU THINK SHE'S HERE?

SHE LOVES ME.

OH, I SEE. AND ALL THESE PEOPLE,

THEY'RE HERE BECAUSE
THEY LOVE YOU, TOO?



ON SOME LEVEL.

HEY, SHARON.

I HATE MY GYM.

I FORGOT TO ASK YOU.
DO YOU LIKE YOUR GYM?

IT'S NOTHING BUT A
DISGUSTING MEET MARKET.

THEY LURE MEN INTO JOINING

BY PUTTING ALL THE SILICONE
SALLIES BY THE WINDOW

SO THEY CAN OGLE THEM.

YOU DIDN'T MAKE THE
WINDOW AGAIN, HUH?

NO. THIRD ROW.

THAT IS WHAT SICKENS ME
ABOUT HEALTH CLUBS TODAY.

FITNESS SHOULD BE
ABOUT GETTIN' INTO SHAPE,

NOT FORCING WOMEN
TO BE IN SOME PEEP SHOW.

THERE'S YOUR CHECK, POODLES.

LIKE THEY DON'T WASH YOUR
FACEPRINT OFF THAT WINDOW

ON A DAILY BASIS.

'CAUSE I'M TRYIN' TO FIND YOU...

ALL THE WAY IN THE THIRD ROW.

HEY, IF YOU WANT TO
AVOID PEOPLE LIKE HIM,

YOU SHOULD TRY MY
GYM. WOMEN ONLY.

HERE IS THE ADDRESS.

OH, THANKS, ASHLEY.
THAT'S REALLY NICE OF YOU.

YEAH. MENTION MY NAME
SO I GET A FREE MONTH.

EXCUSE ME. WHAT DO YOU
MEAN BY "PEOPLE LIKE HIM"?

OH, YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M SORRY.

I SHOULDN'T STEREOTYPE.

I WAS BEING UNFAIR TO
PERVERTS EVERYWHERE.

APOLOGY ACCEPTED.

SHE REALLY LIKES YOU.

REALLY? NO.

I KNOW SOMEBODY WHO
WORKS OUT AT THIS GYM,

SO IT MUST BE GREAT.

YES, SOMEBODY. SOMEBODY?

OH, RIGHT. THE GIRL YOU
MET AT THE, UH... THE, UH...

YEAH, THE GIRL AT THE, UH...

COME ON, GUYS, STOP.

I HAVEN'T BEEN TO
"THE, UH" IN YEARS.

BERG, I THINK HE'S
JUST MAKIN' UP THIS GIRL

SO WE DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR HIM.

SHARON, THAT IS SO SAD.

SO SAD. MMM, SO SAD.

YES, IT'S SAD. THIS FROM
THE WOMAN IN THE THIRD ROW

AND THE MAN WITH THE
GIRLFRIEND THAT HATES HIM.

COME ON, PETE. WE
WANT TO MEET HER.

COME ON. I'LL TELL YOU A
SECRET OF SHARON'S. OW!

GUYS, PLEASE. FOR
ONCE, I NEED MY OWN LIFE.

HE CAN'T HAVE HIS OWN LIFE,

ESPECIALLY WHEN WE
GOT NOTHIN' GOIN' ON.

HI. RESERVATIONS FOR DUNVILLE.

YES. 2 OF YOUR
PARTY'S ALREADY HERE.

WHAT?

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOIN' HERE?

WAITIN' FOR YOU.

YOUR APPOINTMENT BOOK SAID 7:30.

WE'RE BUSY PEOPLE, YOU KNOW.

SO, WHERE IS SHE?

UH, SHE'S MEETING ME AFTER WORK.

OH, RIGHT. SHE'S
WORKS AT THE, UH...

AT THE, UH... THE,
UH... GO AWAY.

LOOK, WHY CAN'T WE MEET HER?

YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHY? I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

BECAUSE YOU'LL SCREW
IT UP LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

BERG, LOOK, EVERY TIME I INTRODUCE
YOU GUYS TO SOMEBODY I'M SEEING,

YOU POINT OUT SOME FLAW OF
HERS, WHICH I THEN OBSESS ON,

AND INEVITABLY, IT
RUINS THE RELATIONSHIP.

WE DO NOT.

DENISE? REMEMBER DENISE?

DUMBO EARS.

OH, YEAH. I THOUGHT
SHE WAS A NICE GIRL.

SHE WAS A NICE GIRL.

BUT BECAUSE OF YOU GUYS, I
COULDN'T STOP LOOKING AT HER EARS.

SHE ORDERED PEANUTS AT A
RED SOX GAME, AND THAT WAS IT.

WELL, DON'T BLAME US.

IF YOU WANTED A
REAL RELATIONSHIP,

YOU WOULD'VE WORKED
IT OUT WITH DUMBO EARS.

OR SHE-MALE.

DO YOU SEE? YOU GUYS
JUST CAN'T HELP YOURSELVES.

OK. WE PROMISE TO BE GOOD.

YEAH.

OH, IS THAT HER?

OH, PETE, WAY TO GO.

A LITTLE ANGELA LANSBURY ACTION.

HEY, JUST BECAUSE SHE'S OLDER

DOESN'T MAKE HER FLAWED.

WHOA, LOOK AT THE
SIZE OF THOSE FEET.

OK, YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU GUYS NEED A HOBBY.

WE HAVE ONE. YOU.

YOU'RE... NONTOXIC,
FUN FOR ALL AGES,

AND COME COMPLETELY ASSEMBLED.

LOOK, I LIKE THIS GIRL,
OK? I CARE ABOUT THIS GIRL.

WE TALK ON THE PHONE FOR HOURS.

WE TAKE LONG, LONG
WALKS. WE PLAY SCRABBLE.

NNN. THINGS YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE
NOT SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE.

DING DING DING.

OK, LOOK. MY ROMANTIC
LIFE IS NOT A GAME SHOW, OK?

SO IF YOU GUYS START PICKING THIS
GIRL APART AND I BREAK UP WITH HER,

I AM NEVER, EVER, EVER
GONNA FORGIVE YOU.

FINE. JUST WISH YOU
WOULD'VE SAID SOMETHING

BEFORE WE DROVE
ALL THE WAY OVER HERE.

BOBBY, HEY. BERG.

THIS IS SHARON, AND,
SHARON, THIS IS BOBBY.

I KNOW HIM FROM THE GYM.

YOU DON'T BELONG TO A GYM.

NO, NO. WE STAND OUTSIDE
THE WINDOW OF YOUR GYM.

OH, YOU GO THERE? HOW
COME I NEVER SEEN YOU?

THIRD ROW.

OHH...

I HATE MY GYM.

PETE... THERE SHE IS.

WHOA, SHE'S CUTE. WAY
TO GO, PETE. COME ON, BERG.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
SHE... SHE LOOKS FAMILIAR.

WHERE DO I KNOW HER FROM?

OH, GOD... I THINK
I FOUND A FLAW.

WHAT FLAW?

ME. ME, OK? WE HAD A
THING A FEW YEARS AGO.

WHAT KIND OF THING?

MEET AT A PARTY,
THEN HAVE WILD SEX

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
NIGHT ON A JUNGLEGYM.

WOW. AND I FIND
CARPETS UNCOMFORTABLE.

WHAT IS HER NAME? IT'S AN
"N" NAME. STARTS WITH AN "N."

NO. NANCY?

NADINE? NO.

NANTUCKET?

NO.

COME ON, BERG. IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER
HER, MAYBE SHE WON'T REMEMBER YOU.

LOOK, IT WAS ONE
NIGHT A LONG TIME AGO.

PETE DOESN'T HAVE TO KNOW.

IT MIGHT BE KIND OF
HARD TO KEEP FROM HIM.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

HOW ABOUT MY NAME IS
TATTOOED ON HER ASS?

PETE'S RIGHT. I DO RUIN
ALL OF HIS RELATIONSHIPS,

AND THIS ONE I RUINED
3 YEARS IN ADVANCE.

WHICH IS ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD

FOR SUCH A PROCRASTINATOR.

THIS SUCKS.

LOOK ON THE POSITIVE SIDE...

WHEN PEOPLE ARE TELLING
SMALL WORLD STORIES,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE THE BEST ONE.

YOU... ARE NOT HELPING.

NOT TRYING TO.

THIS ISN'T FAIR, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, IT WASN'T EVEN MY IDEA.

WE'RE STUMBLING
BY A TATTOO PARLOR,

I NEEDED TO USE THE BATHROOM,

REST ROOM SIGN SAYS
"CUSTOMERS ONLY,"

SHE VOLUNTEERED.

[WHISTLES]

YOU KIDS REALLY HAD
SOMETHING SPECIAL GOING.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M
PANICKING. I'M PANICKING.

I MEAN, LET'S GIVE PETE
A LITTLE CREDIT HERE.

MAYBE IT WON'T EVEN MATTER

THAT I SLEPT WITH
HIS GIRLFRIEND FIRST.

HA HA HA HA HA.

ARE YOU KIDDING?

HE HAS A CONNIPTION WHEN YOU
READ THE NEWSPAPER BEFORE HE DOES.

OH, GOOD GOD. WHAT
IF TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT

HE FINALLY SLEEPS WITH...

DENA... NANOOK... CHUCK?

WHAT THE HELL IS HER NAME?

SEE? THIS IS WHY
TATTOOS COME IN HANDY.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

LOOK, I'M SORRY.
THAT'S HOW WE PLAY.

WHEN ONE OF US IS
DOWN, YOU KICK 'EM!

HEY, GUYS.

HEY, PETE. EVERYTHING OK?

YEAH. GREAT.

WHAT DID YOU GUYS END UP DOIN'?

OH, WE WENT TO THE MOVIES.

WHAT DID YOU SEE?

WHAT DOES IT MATTER? SHE
TALKED THROUGH THE WHOLE THING.

OH, I HATE THAT.
DON'T YOU HATE THAT?

THAT MUST'VE DRIVEN YOU CRAZY.

YEAH. OH, YOU KNOW
WHAT ELSE SHE DOES?

SHE LAUGHS AT HER OWN JOKES.

HOLY INCOMPATIBILITY, BATMAN.

PETE, IT'S A GOOD THING
YOU FOUND OUT NOW.

OH, OH, YOU KNOW
WHAT I NOTICED TONIGHT?

SHE'S GOT A CHIPPED TOOTH.

WHOA! WHAT IS SHE, FROM ENGLAND?

YEAH, YEAH. BUT YOU
KNOW WHAT? I DON'T CARE.

HUH?

I MEAN, I MUST
REALLY LIKE NICOLE...

NICOLE!

YES, NICOLE. I KNOW
ALL OF HER FLAWS,

AND SOMEHOW...
THEY DON'T BOTHER ME.

OH, BERG, WILL YOU COVER
FOR ME TOMORROW NIGHT?

SURE.

NICOLE AND I ARE
SPENDING THE NIGHT

AT A BED AND BREAKFAST
UP IN CONCORD.

OH, TOMORROW. TOMORROW NIGHT.

NO, NO, I CAN'T DO THAT.

OH, YOU... THANKS, MAN.

IT IS A GREAT DAY TO BE ME.

AND JUST THE
WORST DAY TO BE YOU.

SHARON, THE SECOND
HE SEES THAT TATTOO,

HE IS NEVER LETTING
ME NEAR ANYONE

HE CARES ABOUT AGAIN.

I WANTED TO BE THE
BEST MAN AT HIS WEDDING.

I WANTED TO BE UNCLE
BERG TO HIS KIDS.

HE'D SAY, "NO SODA,"

AND I'D GIVE 'EM SODA.

BUT NOW NO ONE GETS SODA.

OOH, WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT,

IT WAS ONE NIGHT 3 YEARS AGO.

MAYBE SHE'S HAD
THE TATTOO REMOVED.

YOU'RE RIGHT. MAYBE SHE DID.

BUT OUR FRIENDSHIP IS TOO
IMPORTANT TO RELY ON MAYBES.

I LOVE THAT GUY,

SO I GOTTA GET A GOOD
LOOK AT HIS GIRLFRIEND'S ASS.

WHOO! THIS PLACE IS AMAZING.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET
DRESSED UP OR WEAR MAKEUP.

PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY
HERE TO WORK OUT.

LET'S NOT FORGET WHY YOU'RE
HERE. DID YOU SEE NICOLE?

SHE SIGNED IN, BUT SHE'S
NOT IN THE WORKOUT ROOM.

ALL RIGHT, HIT THE SHOWERS, KID.

BERG.

ASH-ASHLEY. WHAT...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WELL, IT'S A WOMEN'S GYM,

SO OBVIOUSLY I WAS IN THE BACK

HAVING A PILLOW
FIGHT IN MY PANTIES.

WELL, I'M AT A WOMEN'S GYM

BECAUSE I'M WAITING FOR A WOMAN.

SHARON, MY FRIEND SHARON.

SHE'S ALSO A WOMAN.

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY. I
WAS JUST THINKIN' ABOUT YOU.

YEAH. REALLY.

WELL, I WAS IN THE LOCKER
ROOM GETTING DRESSED,

AND AS I BENT DOWN
TO TIE MY SHOE,

YOU JUST POPPED INTO MY HEAD.

REALLY?

HA HA HA HA HA.

YEAH. WELL...

YOUR NAME WAS TATTOOED
ON SOME WOMAN'S BUTT.

REALLY.

THAT WOULD BE NICOLE,

AND SHE'S ALSO JUST A FRIEND.

WHAT, DO YOU BRAND
THEM TO KEEP TRACK?

NO. NO, IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.

NO, NO, NO. THERE'S NOTHING YOU
COULD POSSIBLY SAY. YOU'RE HOPELESS.

CALL ME.

SHEESH. YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THE
HUMILIATION I JUST SUFFERED FOR YOU.

I HAD TO PEEK IN
EVERY SHOWER STALL.

I GOT 3 SCREAMS, 2 DIRTY LOOKS,

AND AN INVITATION TO PLAY GOLF.

BUT I FOUND HER. SHE'S
GOT THIS THING ON HER...

I KNOW, I KNOW.
IT'S STILL THERE.

ASHLEY TOLD ME, AND
SHE IS NOT HAPPY WITH ME.

WELL, TELL HER TO GET IN LINE.

THAT'S HER.

LISTEN, UH...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND
OF PLACE YOU'RE USED TO,

BUT THIS GYM ISN'T
A MEET MARKET, OK?

WOMEN DON'T COME
HERE TO GET OGLED.

I WASN'T OGLING.

I WAS LOOKING FOR A FRIEND.

OH, TRY THE PERSONALS.

HEY, HEY, CHIN UP.
YOU'LL FIND SOMEONE.

NICOLE.

HI. DO I KNOW YOU?

3 YEARS AGO, STEVE
BESSEN'S PARTY.

JUNGLEGYM. TATTOO PARLOR.

OH, MY GOD.

IT'S YOU.

BERG.

TRUST ME, I CAN
REMEMBER THE NAME.

SO HOW YOU BEEN?

I'VE BEEN GOOD.

GOOD. GOOD.

WELL, NICE CATCHING UP.

SO HERE IS AN
INCREDIBLE COINCIDENCE.

DID PETE EVER
MENTION HIS ROOMMATE?

YEAH. PETE?

OH, TELL ME YOU DO NOT
WORK AT A PIZZA PLACE.

NO. I'M A MED STUDENT.

WHO WORKS AT A PIZZA PLACE.

GREAT. DOES PETE KNOW?

NO, NO, AND PETE
DOESN'T NEED TO KNOW.

SO I SAY WE HOP IN A CAB AND WE
GO DUTCH ON SOME LASER SURGERY.

FORGET IT! I'M NOT
GONNA HAVE IT REMOVED.

OK. ALL RIGHT. SO KEEP BERG,

BUT HOW ABOUT WRITING
THE WORD "ICE" IN FRONT OF IT?

NO!

HINDEN?

I'M NOT TOUCHING IT.

WHOOPI GOLD.

THAT TATTOO STAYS
RIGHT WHERE IT IS.

WOW! I MEANT THAT
MUCH TO YOU, HUH?

YES. WHEN WE HAD
OUR... WHATEVER IT WAS,

I HAD DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL.

I... I WAS PARTYING A LOT.

AND I WAS OUT OF CONTROL.

AND THEN THAT NIGHT WITH
YOU WAS ROCK-BOTTOM.

AFTER THAT, I REALIZED I
HAD TO CHANGE MY LIFE.

THAT TATTOO IS A REMINDER TO ME

TO NEVER SINK THAT LOW AGAIN.

WELL, GLAD I COULD HELP.

BUT WHAT ABOUT PETE?

PETE'S GREAT. HE'S THE SWEETEST
GUY I'VE MET IN A LONG TIME.

I CARE A LOT ABOUT PETE.

SO DO I, NICOLE.

WHEN HE SEES THAT TATTOO...

IF THIS RUINS OUR RELATIONSHIP,

THEN THERE WASN'T MUCH
OF ONE TO BEGIN WITH.

HEY!

WHAT DO YOU
BENCH-PRESS, LIKE, 350?

HEY, WHERE'S PETE?

HE'S IN BACK.

WHY ARE YOU HIDING
BEHIND A MENU?

OVER THERE.

I THINK SOME WOMEN FROM
THAT GYM JUST WALKED IN.

MAYBE IF THEY WERE NAKED
AND WET, YOU COULD BE SURE.

OW.

SO DID YOU TALK WITH NICOLE?

YEAH. SHE WON'T GET
RID OF THE TATTOO.

WANTS TO BE COMPLETELY
HONEST WITH PETE ABOUT HER PAST.

LIKE THAT'S HEALTHY.

BERG, YOU'RE JUST
GONNA HAVE TO TELL HIM.

YOU GIVE ME ONE GOOD
REASON WHY I SHOULD,

BESIDES HE'S MY BEST FRIEND

AND IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

OK, THAT IS IT.

BERG, THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR COVERING MY SHIFT.

THIS IS A FRIEND. IS
THIS NOT A FRIEND?

OH, AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

UH, WHEN WE GET BACK,
WE'LL ALL GO OUT TO DINNER.

YOU GUYS, ME, NICOLE.

YEAH. YEAH.

YOU'LL LOVE HER. SHE'S
REALLY FUN TO GET TO KNOW.

APPARENTLY.

AHEM.

PETE, THERE'S JUST ONE THING.

UH, LISTEN, MAN. THIS IS...
THIS IS REALLY HARD FOR ME,

BUT... A FEW YEARS
AGO, I WENT OUT...

WITHOUT SUNBLOCK,

AND I REGRET IT TO THIS DAY.

THAT'S TOUGH, MAN.

YEAH.

SEE YA!

PETE, IT'S ABOUT YOU
AND NICOLE. AHEM.

WHAT ABOUT ME AND NICOLE?

I THINK THAT YOU TWO COULD BE
PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER, BUT...

I DON'T NEED YOUR
STAMP OF APPROVAL.

TOO LATE.

WELL, LOOK, JUST
ONE TEENY-TINY THING

THAT I FEEL COULD BE A STUMBLING
BLOCK BETWEEN YOU GUYS.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HER.

LAST NIGHT, AS I
WAS LEAVING THE BAR,

I ACCIDENTALLY CAUGHT
A GLIMPSE OF HER.

THIS IS SOMETHING THAT
WOULD BOTHER A JERK LIKE ME,

BUT NOT A WELL-ADJUSTED,
SECURE MAN LIKE YOURSELF.

IF YOU'RE GONNA START
PICKING HER APART,

IT'S NOT GONNA MAKE
A BIT OF A DIFFERENCE,

SO DON'T EVEN BOTHER.

WHAT KIND OF TEENY-TINY THING

WOULD BOTHER A JERK LIKE YOU?

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU.
A FEW YEARS AGO,

I KINDA MET NICOLE AT A PARTY.

DON'T... DON'T TELL ME
YOU SLEPT WITH HER.

WELL, THAT KIND OF RUINS
THE END OF MY STORY.

THIS ISN'T HAPPENING.

YOU CAN'T BLAME ME FOR THIS. NO?

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO,

WALK UP TO EVERY
GIRL I MEET AT A PARTY

AND GO, "EXCUSE ME. ARE
YOU PLANNING ON DATING

PETE DUNVILLE IN 3 YEARS"?

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.

SOMEHOW, YOU'VE
ACTUALLY GONE BACK IN TIME

AND RUINED MY LIFE.

IT'S NOT LIKE SHE HASN'T
SLEPT WITH OTHER GUYS, TOO.

THERE'S A SILVER LINING.

PETE, IT WAS ONE NIGHT.

HE MEANT NOTHING TO HER.

LESS THAN NOTHING.

IN FACT, I THINK
SHE KINDA HATES ME.

OK. ALL RIGHT, FINE. YOU
AND NICOLE HAD A DATE.

IT WASN'T EVEN A DATE.
DATES ARE ROMANTIC.

I JUST PICKED HER UP AT A PARTY.

SHH SHH SHH SHH
SHH SHH SHH SHH SHH.

IT'S IN THE PAST, OK?

I'M ERASING THE MENTAL IMAGE.

GONE. NO MORE FLAW.

HEY, HEY, YOU ARE
ONE HELL OF A GUY.

I REALLY AM.

ANOTHER TEENY-TINY
THING COULD COME UP.

DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
DON'T NEED TO KNOW.

WHY? BECAUSE IT'S IN THE
PAST, AND THERE IT WILL STAY

AS LONG AS I NEVER, EVER
HAVE TO BE REMINDED OF IT AGAIN.

PETE, BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER,

THERE'S SOMETHING
I NEED TO TELL YOU.

IT'S ABOUT YOUR ROOMMATE AND ME.

LOOK, BABE, HE ALREADY TOLD ME.

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT
IT WAS JUST A STUPID, DUMB THING.

LOOK, WE DON'T EVEN
HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT, OK?

I AM SO... SO PAST IT.

IT WON'T BOTHER YOU?

WATCH IT NOT BOTHER ME.

OH, PETE.

NICOLE.

OH... PETE.

NICOLE.

PETE.

NICOLE.

PETE.

BERG?!

PERFECT.

PETE? IS HE BACK YET?

NO.

AHH. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAND?

I WAS SO UPSET

ABOUT THE WHOLE THING
WITH NICOLE AND THE TATTOO

THAT I PUNCHED A MAILBOX,

CAUSING ME PHYSICAL PAIN
AND A POSSIBLE FEDERAL CRIME.

THAT'S THE BEST YOU
COULD COME UP WITH?

WELL, I THINK IT SOUNDS BETTER

THAN I WAS SO UPSET, I WRAPPED
MY HAND IN THIS BANDAGE.

LOOK, IF HE WAS STILL UPSET,

YOU WOULD'VE
GOTTEN A CALL BY NOW.

IT'S NOT THE KIND OF
THING YOU KEEP BOTTLED UP.

[DOOR SLAMS]

YOU.

SEE WHAT I MEAN?

IT WASN'T ME. OK, IT WAS ME,

BUT IT WASN'T MY FAULT.
OK, IT WAS MY FAULT.

LOOK, I'M HURT.

TAKE THE BANDAGE OFF, BERG.

YOU SHOULD'VE TOLD ME.

I WAS AFRAID THAT
YOU'D DISOWN ME.

I SHOULD'VE DISOWNED
YOU WHEN YOU SET ME UP

WITH THAT PSYCHO
FROM THE PERSONALS.

I SHOULD'VE DISOWNED YOU

WHEN YOU SUBMITTED ME FOR
THAT TRANSVESTITE SEGMENT

ON SALLY JESSY.

THAT WOULD'VE BEEN A
FREE TRIP TO NEW YORK.

I SHOULD'VE DISOWNED
YOU, BUT... I DIDN'T.

IT'S THE PRICE I PAY
FOR BEING YOUR FRIEND.

YOU GOTTA FORGIVE A LOT.

SO WHAT HAPPENED WITH NICOLE?

WELL, AFTER SHE PRIED ME
OFF THE CEILING AND WE TALKED,

I REALIZED IT DIDN'T MATTER.

I MEAN, THIS GIRL HAD
THE MOTHER OF ALL FLAWS,

AND I STILL WANTED
TO BE WITH HER.

OH. WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT,

I... I REALLY BROUGHT YOU AND
NICOLE A LITTLE CLOSER TOGETHER.

I'M NOT GONNA THANK YOU.

YOUR HAPPINESS IS THANKS ENOUGH.

I LOVE THAT YOU WERE THE
LAST PERSON IN THIS ROOM

TO SEE YOUR GIRLFRIEND NAKED.

BACK OFF, SISTER!

I CAN'T HELP IT.

WELL, TRY.

[STRAINING TO SPEAK] YOU
ARM-WRESTLE LIKE A GIRL.

YOU SEE THAT?

THAT THE BEST YOU GOT?

COME ON.

COME ON.

SO, AHEM...

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' LATER?