Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 2, Episode 2 - Two Guys, a Girl and a Vacation - full transcript

AHH.

WOULD YOU PASS THE
LOBSTER FRA DIABLO?

UH, MORE CHAMPAGNE.

AH, YES.

LOOKING GOOD, PETER.

FEELING GOOD, BERG.

HERE'S TO OUR LAST RIDE

ON THE CORPORATE GRAVY TRAIN.

BECAUSE AS SOON
AS I QUIT TOMORROW,

IT'S GOOD-BYE WINE AND CHEESE,

HELLO MACARONI AND CHEESE.



I DON'T KNOW HOW
COMFORTABLE I AM

WITH YOU QUITTING YOUR JOB.

ARE YOU SURE THIS IS
THE RIGHT THING FOR US?

SHRIMP?

OH.

IF I HAVE TO SPEND ONE MORE DAY

AT THAT CHEMICAL COMPANY,

I WON'T BE ABLE TO
LIVE WITH MYSELF.

I DON'T CARE.

THEY CAN TAKE MY
CLOTHING ALLOWANCE,

MY COMPANY CAR,
MY... OOH, CAVIAR.

YOU'VE REALLY OUTDONE YOURSELF.

THE CORPORATE GOLD
CARD. TAKE ONE LAST LOOK.

I'LL MISS YOU.



AU REVOIR... MON CHéRI.

HOW ARE YOU GONNA EXPENSE THIS?

MM. ARE YOU WEARING HAIR SPRAY?

WHAT DO YOU THINK, I
JUST WAKE UP LIKE THIS?

THERE... CHEMICALS.

WE'VE TALKED BUSINESS.

I'M ENTERTAINING CLIENTS.

I'LL BUY THAT, BUT,
UM, ONE QUESTION.

WHAT ABOUT THEM?

[PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC]

HOW OFTEN DO YOU
SEE A STRING QUARTET?

ALMOST NEVER.

THERE YOU GO...

THEY'RE AN ENDANGERED SPECIES.

COME ON, BERG, YOU WILL NOT.

NO, NO. I AM GOING TO NAME

A MEDICAL PROCEDURE AFTER YOU.

OK. IT'S A CROWDED
RESTAURANT, RIGHT?

LOTS OF PEOPLE.

A GUY... AH! SLUMPS
OVER HIS TABLE.

SOMEBODY YELLS, "WAIT!

I KNOW THE CATHY MANEUVER."

I MEAN, I COULD NAME
A DISEASE AFTER YOU,

BUT YOU DON'T WANT SOME GUY

RUNNING AROUND
SCRATCHING HIMSELF

SAYING, "DAMN! I'VE GOT CATHY."

WHAT IS THAT?

OH. JUST, UH... IT'S
JUST MY BEEPER.

I, UH, I USE IT... FOR
MEDICAL EMERGENCIES.

AND AFTER HE GRADUATES
NEXT SEMESTER,

PETE HERE WILL BE
DESIGNING SKYSCRAPERS.

THAT'S BIG BUCKS.

WOW. REALLY.

WELL, YEAH, I MEAN,

IT'S A REALLY TOUGH
JOB MARKET OUT THERE.

WITH THE ECONOMY

AND THE COMPETITION
THE WAY IT IS,

AND I'M KINDA LOOKING
TO... PETE, HOLD THIS.

OW! OW!

OW! OW! HOT!

LIKE I SAID,

PETE HERE'S GONNA BE
DESIGNING SKYSCRAPERS.

YES, I AM. GREAT BIG
TALL ONES. UP IN THE SKY.

HA HA!

I FINALLY DID IT!

EXCUSE ME. THAT'S MY
FRIEND, AND SHE FINALLY DID IT.

SO, HOW DID IT GO?

MM! I WAS IN RARE FORM.

BOTTOM LINE, SHARON...

DID YOU QUIT YOUR JOB OR NOT?

OH, MAN, I STORM INTO
GILLINGHAM'S OFFICE,

TOTALLY UNANNOUNCED.

HE'S LIKE..."HUH?"

HALF AN EGG SALAD SANDWICH
FALLS OUT OF HIS FAT FACE

ONTO HIS MONOGRAMMED SHIRT.

YES! YOU DA BOMB!

SHE'S "DA BOMB"?

PETE, WHAT...

REALLY? I THOUGHT
I PULLED IT OFF.

OH, NO. YOU REALLY DIDN'T.

SO I TELL HIM I'M
FINISHED WORKING

FOR HIS STUPID CHEMICAL COMPANY.

IF HE WANTS TO GET ON TV

AND SAY THAT THE
HOLE IN THE OZONE LAYER

IS OUR WINDOW TO
THE LORD, BE MY GUEST.

YEAH! SHE DA BOMB!

STOP.

I TELL HIM I HAVE
TO LIVE WITH MYSELF.

OUTSTANDING, SHARON.

AND WHAT DID HE SAY?

YOU KNOW THAT SLOB
HAD THE AUDACITY

TO TRY AND BRIBE ME?

HE REFUSES MY RESIGNATION

AND THEN TELLS ME TO TAKE
THE WEEKEND TO RECONSIDER

AT THE COMPANY CONDO IN ARUBA.

LIKE YOU'D EVER GO
TO ARUBA BY YOURSELF.

WELL, HE SAID I COULD
BRING YOU GUYS.

PETE, WE'RE GOING TO ARUBA.

FORGET ABOUT IT,
BERG. I CAN'T GO.

WHAT?

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT
GILLINGHAM WANTS ME TO DO.

HE KNOWS, IF I GO,

I'LL BE TOO GUILTY TO QUIT.

WHY IN THE HELL
WOULD YOU FEEL GUILTY?

LOOK AT THE STRESS
THEY'VE PUT YOU THROUGH.

HUH? CAN YOU FEEL THAT?

AND WHO HAS TO
ABSORB THAT STRESS?

OW. ME AND PETE.

I'M FED UP WITH THESE PEOPLE.

THAT'S IT. WE'RE GOING.

NO, BERG. I CAN'T GO, EITHER.

I HAVE THAT BIG INTERVIEW

WITH FARBER AND ASSOCIATES
ON MONDAY MORNING.

YES, MONDAY...

CONVENIENTLY LOCATED ON
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WEEKEND.

BERG, LOOK, THIS IS MY FUTURE

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HERE.

IF I GET THIS JOB, I'M GONNA
BE SET AFTER GRADUATION.

WHEREAS, IF I GO
TO ARUBA WITH YOU,

I'M GONNA COME
BACK WITH A HANGOVER

AND ONE EYEBROW SHAVED OFF.

I COULDN'T HELP IT, OK?

IT WAS TWITCHING THE
WHOLE TIME YOU WERE ASLEEP.

BESIDES, LOOK, SHARON
AND I CAN'T GO WITHOUT YOU.

WHEN DID I SAY I WAS GOING?

IN MY HEAD, SHAR,

THE SECOND YOU SAID "ARUBA."

BERG, I'M TRYING TO QUIT MY JOB.

I HAVE TO PUT TOGETHER A RESUME.

I GOTTA GO BUY A NEW SUIT.

I HAVE TO START MEETING
WITH HEADHUNTERS.

WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?

WHERE'S THE GIRL?

WHERE'S THAT GIRL
WHO, SENIOR BREAK,

JUMPED OVER A HOTEL
JACUZZI IN A GOLF CART?

AND THEY SAID IT
COULDN'T BE DONE.

YEAH.

AND YOU,

THE MAN IMMORTALIZED
IN PALM BEACH

AFTER DRINKING 7 BUFFALO SWEATS

IN UNDER AN HOUR.

YES! YES, WHICH WAS
FOLLOWED BY ME PASSING OUT

AND YOU SHAVING MY EYEBROW.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M LISTENING TO ALL OF
THESE REASONS WHY NOT TO GO,

AND I'M THINKING THAT THESE
ARE THE REASONS WE HAVE TO GO.

I MEAN, MATURITY IS STALKING US,

BEARING DOWN ON US

LIKE THAT BOULDER WAS
BEARING DOWN ON INDIANA JONES

IN THE BEGINNING OF RAIDERS.

IT'S COMIN'!

ARE WE GONNA LET IT CATCH US?

I THINK NOT.

WHEN'S THE NEXT TIME

THAT WE ARE GONNA HAVE THE
OPPORTUNITY AND THE FREEDOM

TO FLY FIRST-CLASS...
FIRST CLASS?

FIRST-CLASS TO ARUBA?

WE OWE IT TO OURSELVES.

NO, NO.

WE OWE IT TO YOUNG
PEOPLE EVERYWHERE

TO DODGE THAT BOULDER
AND GET ON THAT PLANE.

NOW, HEY, YOU
TELL ME I'M WRONG...

I'LL NEVER MENTION IT AGAIN.

BUT... IF I'M RIGHT,

THEN WE'RE ABOUT TO HAVE

THE BEST WEEKEND OF OUR LIVES.

WHO'S WITH ME, HUH?

♪ ARUBA, JAMAICA ♪

♪ OOH, I WANNA TAKE YOU ♪

♪ TO BERMUDA, BAHAMA ♪

♪ COME ON, PRETTY MAMA ♪

♪ KEY LARGO, MONTEGO ♪

♪ BABY, WHY DON'T WE GO ♪

♪ DOWN TO KOKOMO? ♪

♪ WE'LL GET THERE FAST ♪

♪ AND THEN WE'LL TAKE IT SLOW ♪

♪ THAT'S WHERE WE WANNA GO ♪

♪ WAY DOWN TO KOKOMO ♪

TO US! TO US!

TO US IN ARUBA!

MY GOAL IS TO BE A
LOCAL FOLK LEGEND THERE

WITHIN 2 HOURS OF ARRIVAL.

ALL FOR FUN.

All: AND FUN FOR ALL!

♪ ARUBA, JAMAICA ♪

♪ OOH, I WANNA TAKE YOU ♪

♪ TO BERMUDA, BAHAMA ♪

♪ COME ON, PRETTY MAMA ♪

♪ KEY LARGO, MONTEGO ♪
[TELEPHONE RINGS]

♪ BABY, WHY DON'T WE GO... ♪

PETE, JUST LET IT RING.

I CAN'T. WHAT IF
IT'S AN EMERGENCY?

THEY WOULD'VE
USED THE BAT SIGNAL.

[ANSWERING MACHINE, BERG] HI.
YOU'VE REACHED 976 PETE 'N BERG.

IF YOU'RE OVER 18,
LEAVE US A MESSAGE.

IF YOU'RE UNDER 18

AND HAVE YOUR
PARENTS' PERMISSION,

YOU MAY ALSO LEAVE US A MESSAGE.

[BEEP]

THIS IS FRANK FARBER.

I'M CALLING FOR PETER DUNVILLE.

I WAS HOPING TO GET IN
TOUCH WITH YOU RIGHT AWAY

REGARDING OUR MEETING ON MONDAY.

DON'T GET THE PHONE.
HE PICKS UP THE PHONE.

MR. FARBER, THIS
IS PETE DUNVILLE.

I'M SORRY.

YOU CAN'T MAKE OUR
MEETING ON MONDAY?

TODAY?

NO!

DRINKS THIS AFTERNOON?

MARGARITAS ON THE BEACH.

SERVED BY WAITRESSES IN THONGS.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT,

WE COULD PUT THIS OFF
UNTIL YOU'RE BACK IN TOWN,

IF YOU'D LIKE?

YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

YOU DON'T LIKE.

OK. OK.

COPLEY PLAZA HOTEL. 20 MINUTES.

HEY, DON'T WORRY.

THIS IS MERELY A SPEED BUMP
ON THE ROAD TO PARADISE.

HMM. THAT'S GOOD STUFF.

SOMEBODY WRITE THAT DOWN.

♪ ARUBA, JAMAICA ♪

♪ OOH, I WANNA TAKE YA ♪

GUYS, GO WITHOUT ME.

LOOK, WE NEVER...

WE NEVER LEAVE A MAN BEHIND.

WE TOOK AN OATH. ALL FOR FUN...

AND FUN FOR ALL.

THANK YOU.

OH, GREAT. GREAT.

THEY HAVE ROOM ON
THE 2:00 FLIGHT TO ARUBA.

EXCELLENT.

BUT ONE OF US HAS TO FLY COACH.

WAIT, WAIT. I'VE NEVER
SAT IN FIRST CLASS.

WE'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT'S LIKE.

NO PROBLEM. WE'LL BE
THERE IN TIME FOR SUNSET.

YES! OK, PETE, IT'S UP TO YOU.

IN AND OUT.

LOOK, BERG, MY FATHER
PERSONALLY CALLED

TO GET ME THIS INTERVIEW, OK?

I CAN'T BLOW IT.

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING

IF YOU SET YOUR MIND TO IT.

JUST TAKE CONTROL.

ONE DRINK, GET JOB, WE'RE GONE.

BERG, THIS IS NOT A
GUY YOU PUSH AROUND.

THIS GUY, HE COLLECTS
GUNS. HE HUNTS BEAR.

HE KILLED HIS FIRST GRIZZLY

BY THE TIME HE WAS 10.

BIG DEAL. I KILLED 200 WHALES

BY THE TIME I WAS 23.

DON'T SAY THAT.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

AND EVEN IF IT WAS,
WE'RE GOING TO ARUBA.

WHAT AM I DOING HERE?

I WENT IN THERE TO QUIT.

THEN JABBA THE HUTT DANGLES
ARUBA IN FRONT OF MY FACE,

AND I'M PACKING A BATHING SUIT.

WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT ME?

THAT YOU'RE A SELLOUT
WHO LIKES TO SWIM.

I'M KIDDING.

YOU'RE A WONDERFUL
PERSON WHO WE LOVE.

YES, WE DO.

THANKS, GUYS.

OK. ALL BETTER?

THE LONG PEDAL MAKES IT GO.

PETE, I CAN ALREADY TELL

YOU'RE EVERYTHING
YOUR DAD SAID YOU WERE.

I GO BY MY GUT,

AND MY GUT TELLS ME
YOU'RE MY KINDA GUY.

THANKS, KITTEN.

I'D LIKE TO HAVE THAT
MOUNTED IN MY OFFICE,

HUH, PETE?

YES, YES. YES,
SIR, SHE'S... SHE'S...

SHE'S A VERY GOOD WAITRESS.

[SHARON COUGHING]

WELL, MR. FARBER,
THANK YOU SO MUCH

FOR LETTING ME TAKE
UP ALL YOUR TIME.

WAIT A MINUTE.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE A MAN

DRINK ALONE, ARE YOU?

NO. OF COURSE NOT.

[GLASSES CLINK]

BOTTOMS UP.

WHOA. HOLD UP THERE, PETE.

THERE IS NO BIGGER DISGRACE

THAN HURRYING A FINE BRANDY.

YOU GOTTA WARM IT IN
THE PALM OF YOUR HAND.

BRANDY IS ONLY AS GOOD

AS THE TIME YOU SPEND WITH IT.

HOW MUCH TIME?

NOT LONG.

A COUPLE OF HOURS.

YOU ALSO HAVE TO GO
TO AUSTRALIA, PETER.

BEAUTIFUL WOMEN,

AND THEY'RE DESCENDED
FROM PRISONERS,

SO THEY DON'T
MIND BEING TIED UP.

YEAH, YES.

AND THEIR SUMMERS
ARE OUR WINTERS, SO...

NOW, MALAYSIAN WOMEN...

YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M GONNA
GO REFILL THE CASHEWS.

STOP SNIFFING IT,
AND JUST DRINK IT.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO
DO? THE GUY'S A PSYCHOPATH.

PETE, IF WE LEAVE RIGHT NOW,
WE CAN STILL CATCH OUR FLIGHT.

LOOK, IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

HE HASN'T FINISHED INSULTING

EVERY NATIONALITY ON EARTH YET.

JUST GO WITHOUT ME.

NEVER.

SO, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

I CAME UP WITH "NEVER."

GUYS, JUST DO SOMETHING.

DON'T WORRY, OK?

I PROMISE, BY MIDNIGHT TONIGHT,

WE WILL BE SIPPING MAI TAIS

UNDER THE MOONLIGHT.

LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING, PETE.

HAVE YOU EVER
BEEN WITH A LASSIE?

I'M SORRY?

YOU KNOW, A SCOTTISH BROAD.

THEY'LL TAKE CARE OF THE
OL' LOCH NESS MONSTER.

YES. THAT'S... THAT'S
VERY ROMANTIC, SIR.

I HAVE BEEN GOING TO SCOTLAND

7 OR 8 TIMES A YEAR
SINCE I WAS YOUR AGE.

YOU KNOW WHO'S NEVER BEEN THERE?

MY WIFE.

PREACHING TO THE
CHOIR, MR. FARBER.

[SCOTTISH ACCENT]
IS THAT FARBER?

THE ARKY?

"ARKY"?

YOU KNOW, ARCHITECT.
WITH THE BUILDINGS.

YEAH, YES.

YES, I AM AN ARCHITECT.

OH, I THINK... NO, I KNOW.

THIS IS THE HAPPIEST
MOMENT OF MY LIFE.

IT'S ME... YOUR LITTLE
LADDIE WEE WILLIE.

WHO?

I HAVE BEEN SEARCHING
HIGH AND LOW FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW, YOU'VE LEFT
A TRAIL OF HALF-BREEDS

ALL ACROSS EUROPE.

YOU MUST LIKE TO WORK
OUT, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

OH, REALLY! WHERE'S THE MANAGER?

YOU'RE ME DA!

I AM NOT YOUR DA!

OH, NONSENSE.

LOOK AT THE RESEMBLANCE.

OF COURSE, ADD 40
POUNDS AND 60 YEARS.

JUST A SECOND.

DON'T YOU REMEMBER PHYLLIS?

A GREAT BIG GANGLY WOMAN...
YELLOW TEETH, IRON LUNG.

SHE'S ME MUM.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE
A LOT OF PEOPLE.

GOD REST HER SOUL.

SHE DIED... IN A FREAK
RUGBY ACCIDENT.

THIS IS ALL VERY INTERESTING...

SHE LAY THERE
DYING ON THAT FIELD,

HER CLEATS ALL BLOODIED-UP.

HER FINAL WISH
WAS THAT I FIND YOU...

FRANK FARBER MY FATHER...

SO THAT I MAY HAVE PEACE, HOPE,

AND A PORCHE 911 TURBO.

OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.

I'VE GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

SIS!

GET YOUR CAMERA. WE FOUND DA.

SIS!?

OH, LOOK AT HIM.

ALE FOR EVERYONE.

MR. FARBER, WOULD YOU
LIKE ME TO TAKE A PICTURE

OF YOU AND YOUR KIDS?

NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT!

OH, THAT'S GREAT THERE.

THAT'S A NICE SUIT.

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE. PLEASE!

OH, MY GOODNESS.

LOOK. THAT'S NOT BURLAP.

I THINK WE'VE REALLY HIT
THE POT OF GOLD HERE.

HOW MUCH DO YOU
PULL DOWN A YEAR?

OH, THIS IS INSUFFERABLE.

NICE MEETING YOU, PETE.

I TRUST I CAN COUNT
ON YOUR DISCRETION.

FREEDOM!

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

HELLO.

NO. I HAVEN'T SEEN THE NEWS.

WHAT?

WELL, WHY ME?

YES, SIR, I DO TECHNICALLY
STILL WORK FOR YOU.

OK. I'M ON MY WAY.

OK. YOU SEE, HOW IT WORKS IS,

THE CAR TAKES US TO
THE AIRPORT, BUT FIRST,

FIRST, YOU HAVE TO
GET INTO THE CAR.

NO. MY COMPANY JUST DUMPED
30,000 GALLONS OF TOXIC WASTE

INTO CHESAPEAKE BAY.

I HAVE TO GO MAKE A STATEMENT.

WE'RE NEVER GONNA
MAKE THE FLIGHT.

HOW LONG DOES IT
TAKE TO SAY "OOPS"?

GUYS, JUST GO WITHOUT ME.

AND I SAY WE'RE ALL GOING.

WE SHAN'T GIVE UP THE FIGHT,

OR I'M NOT THE SON
OF FRANK FARBER.

KNOCK IT OFF!

I'M CHANGING LANES HERE.

LADY! LADY, LOOK, YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WE REPRESENT THE
YOUTH OF AMERICA, OK?

WE HAVE AN
APPOINTMENT AT MIDNIGHT

WITH 3 MAI TAIS.

YEAH. COACH IS FINE.

NO. THE SEATS DON'T
HAVE TO RECLINE.

OOH. THEY'RE RIGHT
NEAR THE BATHROOM?

OW OW! WE'LL TAKE THEM.

ALL RIGHT. WE'RE ON,
WE'RE IN, WE'RE THERE.

YOU GUYS SHOULD JUST DROP
ME OFF AND GO WITHOUT ME.

WE TOOK AN OATH.

YES. MAI TAIS BY MIDNIGHT.

YEAH. SHAR, JUST GET UP THERE,

MAKE YOUR STATEMENT,
DON'T TAKE ANY QUESTIONS,

AND WE'LL BE ON OUR WAY.

BERG, I HAVE TO TAKE AT
LEAST A FEW QUESTIONS.

OTHERWISE, IT LOOKS
LIKE I'M COVERING UP.

AND THEIR QUESTIONS
TAKE FOREVER.

JUST GET UP THERE
AND SPIN, SPIN, SPIN.

SPIN, SPIN, SPIN?

BERG, MY COMPANY JUST
DUMPED 30 TONS OF TOXIC GOO

INTO CHESAPEAKE BAY.

WELL, LOOK, THESE THINGS HAPPEN.

GOOD AFTERNOON,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

NO DOUBT YOU'VE HEARD
ABOUT THE SHORELINE

THAT RAMMED INTO ONE OF
OUR TANKERS IN CHESAPEAKE BAY.

AT TEAM OF ENGINEERS
FROM IMMACULATE CHEMICALS

IS ALREADY ON THE SCENE
ASSESSING THE SITUATION

AND PROVIDING
COFFEE AND CROISSANTS

TO INCONVENIENCED FISHERMEN.

NOW I ONLY HAVE TIME
TO TAKE A FEW QUESTIONS.

OVER HERE! OVER
HERE! RIGHT HERE!

YES! MIKE BERGEN. DAILY PLANET.

MISS CARTER.

I'M GONNA GET
RIGHT TO THE POINT.

EXACTLY WHAT COLOR
WAS THE TANKER?

Man: WHAT?!

WE BELIEVE IT WAS
BLUE AND WHITE,

POSSIBLY WITH SOME RED TRIM.

AHA!

NEXT QUESTION.

THANK YOU.

OVER HERE!

PHIL NADER. BOSTON GLOBE.

IS IT TRUE THAT THE TANKER
INVOLVED IN THIS ATROCITY

FAILED REPEATED INSPECTIONS

AND WAS RECOMMENDED FOR
DECOMMISSION OVER 2 YEARS AGO?

I'M SORRY. I WAS POINTING TO
THE GENTLEMAN BEHIND YOU.

PETE DUNVILLE. BOY'S LIFE.

WOULD YOU QUALIFY
THE TANKER IN QUESTION

AS A BOAT OR A SHIP?

IT WAS A TANKER.

THANK YOU.

ANYONE ELSE?

LET ME ASK YOU THIS.

IF YOU WERE A TREE,

WHAT KIND OF TREE WOULD YOU BE?

LOOK, IF YOU REPORTERS AREN'T
GOING TO TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY,

NEITHER AM I.

THIS PRESS CONFERENCE IS OVER.

Man: COME ON, ONE MORE QUESTION!

HEY, HEY, HEY.

WHAT DID YOU GET FOR
THE FIRST QUESTION?

WE CANNOT BE STOPPED.

WE ARE IN LOVE WITH OURSELVES.

ON TO ARUBA.

♪ JAMAICA, OOH, I
WANNA TAKE YOU ♪

♪ TO BERMUDA, BAHAMA ♪

♪ COME ON, PRETTY MAMA! ♪

PRETTY MAMA SHOULD LEARN
HOW TO READ HER GAS GAUGE.

PRETTY MAMA DIDN'T KNOW

SHE WAS GONNA BE
DRIVING ALL OVER BOSTON.

WELL, WHEN'S THE LAST
TIME YOU CHECKED YOUR OIL?

POP YOUR HOOD.

THIS IS JUST A MINOR SETBACK.

WE HAVE OVER HALF AN HOUR

TO MAKE IT TO THE AIRPORT.

IN FACT, I LAUGH
AT THE SETBACKS.

HA HA!

[BEEPING]

OK, WHAT'S THAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE.

LET ME HAVE A LOOK.

YEAH. STEP BACK, PETE.

OK. OK, WHAT DO YOU
KNOW ABOUT CARS?

I KNOW YOU HATE IT

WHEN I PRETEND TO KNOW
SOMETHING ABOUT THEM.

MAYBE MY WIPER FLUID'S LOW.

NO. IT'S COMING FROM HERE.

[BEEPING]

BERG, IT'S YOUR BEEPER.

WHOA! HEY!

HA HA! MY FIRST BEEP.

SHARON, GET THE CAMERA.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

GET IN THE PICTURE. COME ON.

YEAH! OH!

OH. OH, NO.

WHAT?

IT'S THE HOSPITAL.

DON'T ANSWER THE PAGE.

HEY. THIS IS MIKE BERGEN.

HE ANSWERS THE PAGE.

WELL, DID YOU TRY LUIS?

WHAT ABOUT... WHAT
ABOUT TRACY? SHE...

OH, COME ON.

THERE'S GOTTA BE SOMEONE ELSE.

OK.

I HAVE TO FILL IN FOR
A GUY IN MY CLASS.

HIS GRANDMOTHER DIED.

OH, MY GOD.

COULD HER TIMING BE WORSE?

BERG, YOU GOTTA GET OUT OF IT.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU
EXPECT ME TO DO? LIE.

I CAN'T.

WAIT. WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

MICHAEL BERGEN
OF THE DAILY PLANET

CAN'T LIE?

THIS IS A LITTLE
DIFFERENT, RIGHT?

BUT WE'VE COME SO FAR.

YOU THINK I DON'T WANNA GO?

EVERY SYNAPSE IN MY
BRAIN IS TELLING ME ARUBA,

BUT I CAN'T.

YOU GUYS GO WITHOUT ME.

WE'RE NOT GOING WITHOUT
YOU. WE TOOK AN OATH.

THEN WHAT SHOULD I DO?

LOOK, IF I DON'T SHOW UP,

THERE'S GONNA BE 5 MED
STUDENTS INSTEAD OF 6.

RIGHT? BIG DEAL.

IT'S NOT LIKE THEY'RE
EXPECTING YOU IN SURGERY.

OH! BUT THEY PAGED ME.

I MEAN, I SHOULD BE THERE.

THAT'S TRUE, TOO.

BUT I WANNA GO TO ARUBA!

BUT YOU ALSO WANNA BE A DOCTOR.

LOOK, BERG, WHATEVER
YOU DECIDE TO DO,

WE'RE BEHIND YOU, SO...

OK.

LET'S GO.

♪ ARUBA, JAMAICA ♪

♪ OOH, I WANNA TAKE YOU ♪

[MUSIC PLAYING]

HI. EXCUSE ME.

HI. HELLO.

HI. HELLO.

HI. OH! VERY TALL.

AHH! HERE WE GO.

MAI TAIS AT MIDNIGHT?

All: MAI TAIS AT MIDNIGHT!

BERG, IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU,

WE WOULDN'T BE HERE.

WELCOME TO BEACON STREET PIZZA.

NICE HAT.

MY FIRST BEEP, AND I
ROSE TO THE OCCASION.

OH, OUR LITTLE BOY'S GROWING UP.

AND I'M TAKING YOU
TWO DOWN WITH ME.

OH, LET'S LIMBO!

YOU DA BOMB!

WHEN DID HE START THIS?

I DON'T KNOW.

♪ ARUBA, JAMAICA ♪

♪ OOH, I WANNA TAKE YOU ♪

♪ TO BERMUDA... ♪

GOOD EVENING.

AND NOW THE AMERICAN
BROADCASTING COMPANY STRING QUARTET

PLAYING THE THEME FROM TWO
GUYS, A GIRL AND A PIZZA PLACE,

FOLLOWED BY THE FOURTH MOVEMENT

OF THE DREW CAREY SHOW.