Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 2, Episode 1 - Two Guys, a Girl and Someone Better - full transcript
Berg confidently checks his student results but finds out that he has dropped a spot and is only second. Berg tries to find out who it is so that he can take upset him so that he doesn't do as well. However, he finds the wrong person. It turns out that Ashley is the top student and is more than a match for him. Berg tries to get Ashley drunk but she outsmarts him and the tables are turned. At the same time, Pete is doing well with his architecture studies and is happy being second, until Ashley points out the problem with his model. Sharon uses Pete to pick up a new guy, Tim, who is the barman at the local bar. However, he is more interested in Ashley.
HEY, BERG, THERE'S SOME
KIDS SITTIN' ON SHARON'S CAR.
OK, GRANDPA.
SETTLE DOWN.
BUT THEIR JEANS
LEAVE SCRATCHES IN IT.
COME ON, KIDS!
KIDS, GET OFF SHARON'S CAR!
KIDS, GET OFF SHAR... WHOA! AAH!
HEY!
HEY, YOU KIDS... GET OFF, PETE!
THE UNBELIEVABLE PART
IS THE BUILDING THAT I DESIGNED
MADE IT INTO THE FINALS.
HEY, NICELY DONE. NICELY DONE?
BERG, 200 ARCHITECTURE
STUDENTS SUBMITTED DESIGNS.
190 OF 'EM HATE ME.
WHY? 'CAUSE I'M IN THE TOP 10.
COME ON, PETE. THAT'S
NOT WHY THEY HATE YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
COME ON, BERG. ARE WE
GONNA EAT OR WHAT? I'M STARVIN'.
YEAH. I JUST WANNA
CHECK MY GRADE.
FOR WHAT? YOU'RE
ALWAYS NUMBER ONE.
THE CRAZY THING IS
IT NEVER GETS OLD.
EXCUSE ME.
I'LL BET I CAN GUESS
YOUR PHONE NUMBER.
NO, YOU CAN'T.
OK, YOU GOT ME.
YOU BETTER WRITE IT DOWN.
HA HA HA!
OK, HOW DOES THAT WORK?
IT'S ALL ABOUT CONFIDENCE.
WHOA!
YEAH. I... I THINK
KEATS SAID IT BEST
IN HIS POEM, ODE TO A GREAT ASS.
GO, AND REMEMBER... CONFIDENCE.
OH, MY GOD.
I'M FAILING.
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER,
AND I'LL GIVE YOU A CALL SOMETIME?
[SOBBING]
OK, CONFIDENCE AND TIMING.
NOW, THE MOMENT YOU'VE
ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.
PETE, TELL US WHOSE NUMBER ONE IN
THE MED SCHOOL CLASS COUNTDOWN
FOR A THIRD WEEK IN A ROW,
AND THIS ONE'S GOING OUT TO
A WONDERFUL LADY IN ALBANY
I LIKE TO CALL... MOM.
DON'T EVEN TRY TO TELL
ME THAT WAS CASEY KASEM.
WHAT?
IT'S GOOD.
I WANNA KNOW WHO TOLD YOU THAT
BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT HELPING YOU.
GIVE ME THE TOP
STUDENT I.D. NUMBER.
THE TOP SCORE WENT
TO STUDENT I.D. NUMBER...
8-6-3-1.
VERY FUNNY, PETE.
NOW READ THE ONE THAT
FINISHED FIRST ON THE TEST.
THAT IS THE ONE.
NO.
IT CAN'T BE. MY
NUMBER'S 9-2-0-1.
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE FIRST!
MAYBE NOBODY TOLD THE
GUY WHO GRADES THE PAPERS.
I'M NUMBER 2?
WHOA, WHOA, WHAT... WHAT...
WHAT JUST HAPPENED HERE?
YOU SEE, IF YOU'RE NUMBER 2...
LET ME SEE IF MY
MATH IS CORRECT...
THAT MEANS SOMEBODY
ELSE IS NUMBER ONE. HUH!
WHERE DO YOU HIDE YOUR ABACUS?
NO. NO, NO, NO, NO. NOW,
STAY WITH ME. STAY WITH ME.
THIS MEANS IF YOU
WERE IN THE OLYMPICS,
YOU'D BE, UH, SILVER,
AND IF YOU WERE A BRADY,
YOU'D BE... JAN!
YOU'RE ENJOYING
THIS, AREN'T YOU?
IS MY ENORMOUS
GRIN SHOWING? YEAH.
BERG, ALL THIS MEANS IS YOU'RE JUST
GONNA HAVE TO STUDY A LITTLE BIT MORE.
OR...
FIND OUT WHO'S NUMBER
ONE AND TAKE 'EM DOWN.
YES. YOU'RE MATURING NICELY.
HERE YOU GO, SHARON.
W-W-WAIT.
GIVE MY ORDER TO THAT GUY.
OK. WHY?
JUST DO IT.
GOT YOUR CHOPPED SALAD.
I DIDN'T ORDER A CHOPPED SALAD.
CHOPPED SALAD?
OH! THAT'S MINE.
THEY'RE SUCH IDIOTS HERE.
HI. I'M SHARON.
[IMPERSONATING
HOFFMAN IN RAINMAN]
UH... DEFINITELY NOT
A CHOPPED SALAD.
DEF... DEFINITELY
NOT A CHOPPED SALAD.
YEAH.
YEAH.
HOW YOU DOIN'? I'M TIM.
I KNOW THIS SOUNDS LAME,
BUT WHERE DO I KNOW YOU FROM?
I TEND BAR AT MAHONEY'S
A COUPLE NIGHTS A WEEK.
OH, WHAT A COINCIDENCE.
I TEND TO DRINK THERE A
COUPLE OF NIGHT'S A WEEK.
HERE YOU GO. SO SORRY
ABOUT THE MIX-UP, MAN.
I JUST CAN'T GET ALL
THESE ORDERS STRAIGHT.
LISTEN, I'LL BE THERE
ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT.
IF YOU'RE IN THE
NEIGHBORHOOD, JUST DROP BY.
WELL, YEAH. MAYBE.
SO WE'RE GOIN' TO
MAHONEY'S WEDNESDAY NIGHT?
OH, YEAH.
WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
THERE'S SOMETHIN'
DIFFERENT ABOUT YOU.
YOU LOOK... SMALLER.
YOU TOLD HER, DIDN'T YOU?
MAYBE.
BERG, THERE'S NOTHING
WRONG WITH BEING NUMBER 2.
I MEAN, JUST AS MANY PEOPLE
REMEMBER THE SECOND MAN ON THE MOON.
CAPTAIN, UH... WHAT'S-HIS-FACE.
YEAH?
WELL, YOUR CHEMICAL COMPANY...
DESTROYS THE PLANET!
TRUE, BUT WE'RE
NUMBER ONE AT IT.
COME ON, BERG. DON'T
TAKE IT SO SERIOUSLY, MAN.
IT'S JUST ONE TEST,
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
IF IT BOTHERS YOU SO MUCH, WHY
DON'T YOU TRY STUDYIN' A LITTLE HARDER?
OH, PLEASE. IF ALL IT
TOOK WAS STUDYING,
ANY IDIOT COULD BECOME A DOCTOR.
THE CRUCIAL PART
IS THE MENTAL GAME.
IT'S WHAT SEPARATES
US FROM THE DENTISTS,
BUT THAT'S OK BECAUSE I HAVE
A PLAN. NOW, I GUARANTEE YOU
THE GUY THAT BEAT ME
IS IN THAT STUDY GROUP.
WHY?
ALL THEY DO IS STUDY.
THEY'RE PATHETIC.
YEAH. YEAH, I KNOW
WHAT YOU MEAN.
I MEAN, THAT'S WHO I
WANT OPERATING ON ME,
YOU KNOW, THE GUY
WHO JUST WINGS IT.
HEY, FELLAS, I'M
GLAD YOU CAME IN.
WE WOULDN'T HAVE IF YOU
HADN'T GIVEN US THOSE COUPONS.
HEY, YOU KNOW, WE'RE
MEDICAL STUDENTS.
WE SHOULD HELP EACH OTHER.
YOU'RE NOT SEEING MY NOTES.
THAT'S THE SPIRIT.
SO, UH, I GUESS YOU GUYS DID
PRETTY GOOD ON THE TEST, HUH?
WE DIDN'T... BUT THIS GUY...
MR. NUMBER ONE HIMSELF!
KAMEN.
PLEASE, NO APPLAUSE.
THANK YOU.
HA HA.
LISTEN, KAMEN, UM...
I'M JUST AT A BIT OF A
CRITICAL POINT HERE.
I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN HACK IT.
IS THERE ANY WAY I CAN TALK
TO YOU IN PRIVATE FOR A SECOND?
WELL, OK...
BUT YOU'RE NOT GETTING MY NOTES.
YES, KAMEN.
LISTEN, UH... HOW DO YOU DO IT?
I MEAN, WHEN I TAKE A TEST, I
JUST GET SO NERVOUS, YOU KNOW?
EVERY QUESTION, I START
THINKING, "WHAT IF I'M WRONG?
"DOES THIS MEAN
I'M GONNA BE WRONG
WHEN I GET MY HAND
IS SOME GUY'S CHEST?"
IT'S ONLY A TEST.
THEY'RE JUST QUESTIONS.
OH, BUT THEY'RE
NOT JUST QUESTIONS.
KAMEN, THEY'RE DECISIONS.
I LOOK AT A TEST, AND I SEE A
HUMAN BODY IN FRONT OF ME.
I SEE SOMEBODY'S MOTHER,
SOMEBODY'S FATHER,
[CHOKING BACK EMOTIONS]
SOMEBODY'S CHILD.
GEE, I NEVER THOUGHT
OF IT THAT WAY.
OH, YOU HAVE TO.
I MEAN, YOU CHOOSE "B" INSTEAD
OF "C" AND YOU'RE WRONG,
LITTLE JIMMY CAN'T
PLAY KICKBALL ANYMORE.
OH, MY GOD.
SO THE NEXT TIME YOU TAKE
A TEST, YOU JUST REMEMBER...
SCALPELS DON'T HAVE ERASERS.
ANYWAY, ENJOY THE PIZZA!
BERG, HOW'D IT GO?
OH, IT'S NOT POSTED YET,
BUT I'M NOT TOO WORRIED.
BY THE END OF THE TEST,
KAMEN WAS IN THE FETAL POSITION.
HI, THERE.
CAN I BORROW YOUR PEN?
THAT DEPENDS.
WERE YOU PLANNING ON WRITING
YOUR PHONE NUMBER DOWN WITH IT?
MY MOTHER WARNED
ME ABOUT GUYS LIKE YOU.
HERE'S MY NUMBER.
TSK TSK TSK TSK... KEEP THE PEN.
THAT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.
YOU WERE SO SMOOTH I
ALMOST GAVE YOU MY NUMBER.
THAT'S THE KIND OF
CONFIDENCE YOU GET
WHEN YOUR BUILDING
TAKES SECOND PLACE.
WHAT? NUMBER 2.
NUMERO DOS.
HEY, GOOD FOR YOU.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE REALLY
COMIN' INTO YOUR OWN THERE.
YOU'RE LIKE ONE OF THOSE SUPERMODELS
THAT WAS UGLY IN HIGH SCHOOL.
SEE SOMETHIN' YOU LIKE?
WOW, WHERE'D YOU GET THAT LINE?
'CAUSE YOU NEED TO GIVE IT BACK.
OH, SWING AND A MISS.
AH, YOU DON'T SEE THAT
HAPPEN VERY OFTEN, FOLKS.
OUT OF MY WAY.
COMIN' THROUGH. COMIN' THROUGH.
Kamen: OH, MY GOD.
NO!
HEY. HEY, HEY, KAMEN,
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
I DID TERRIBLY.
AH, SUCH IS LIFE.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT A MINUTE.
"8-6-3-1." YOU'RE STILL ON TOP.
THAT'S NOT ME.
BUT YOU...
BUT YOU SAID YOU WERE
NUMBER ONE, KAMEN.
NUMBER ONE IN MY STUDY GROUP.
I WAS 24th IN THE CLASS.
NOW I DROPPED TO 50th.
OOPS.
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, BERG.
YOU PSYCHED ME OUT.
I PSYCHED YOU OUT.
YOU'RE DEAD, BERG! YOU HEAR ME?
W-WHOA... YEAH. DEAD!
NICE ATTITUDE FOR A DOCTOR!
Woman: NUMBER ONE
2 WEEKS IN A ROW.
THE BEST PART ABOUT IT IS,
IT'S EASY TO FIND MY SCORE.
ALL RIGHT, ASHLEY.
I HAVE TO STUDY
WITH YOU NEXT TIME.
I DON'T BELIEVE THAT WOMAN.
SHE MADE ME RUIN
KAMEN'S LIFE FOR NOTHIN'.
YEAH.
EXCUSE ME. HEY, REMEMBER ME?
THE GUY WITH THE DAZZLING SMILE?
OH, YEAH.
GO LIKE THIS.
WHAT? I GOT
SOMETHING IN MY TOOTH?
NOPE. NOW GO AWAY.
SO, UM, YOU WERE NUMBER ONE,
I GUESS, IN YOUR STUDY GROUP?
NUMBER ONE IN THE CLASS.
SUSAN, PLEASE.
FOR 2 WEEKS IN A ROW.
ASHLEY, RIGHT?
UH-HUH.
CAN I TALK TO YOU IN
PRIVATE FOR A SECOND?
LISTEN, UH...
HOW DO YOU DO IT?
I MEAN, WHEN I TAKE A TEST I
JUST GET SO NERVOUS, YOU KNOW?
EVERY QUESTION I START
THINKIN', "WHAT IF I'M WRONG?
"DOES THIS MEAN
I'M GONNA BE WRONG
WHEN I GOT MY HAND
IN SOME GUY'S CHEST?"
IT PROBABLY DOES.
NO. I'M GONNA MAKE
A GOOD DOCTOR.
I JUST MEAN WHEN
I'M TAKIN' A TEST.
SEE, THEY'RE NOT JUST QUESTIONS.
THEY'RE DECISIONS.
I LOOK AT A TEST, AND I SEE A
HUMAN BODY IN FRONT OF ME.
I SEE SOMEBODY'S MOTHER,
SOMEBODY'S FATHER,
[CHOKING BACK EMOTIONS]
SOMEBODY'S CHILD.
OH, MY GOD, I KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
YOU WANT ME TO TUTOR YOU.
I MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT.
SWING AND A MISS. STRIKE 2.
DON'T BE EMBARRASSED.
I WORK WITH REMEDIAL
STUDENTS ALL THE TIME.
REMEDIAL.
REMEDIAL?
IT MEANS SLOWER.
I SHOULD HAVE GUESSED THE FIRST
TIME YOU STARTED SPEAKING TO ME,
ALL THAT BRAVADO
COVERING YOUR INSECURITY.
THERE IS NOTHING
UNDERNEATH MY BRAVADO.
LISTEN, HERE'S MY CARD.
CALL ME. I CAN HELP.
BYE.
I LOVE BEIN' NUMBER 2.
BERG, WHAT DOES
THIS OUTFIT SAY TO YOU?
I'M NOT IN THE MOOD TO LISTEN
TO YOUR CLOTHES RIGHT NOW.
COME ON. I WANNA LOOK GREAT
FOR PETE'S PARTY TONIGHT.
PETE'S PARTY?
YEAH. HE'S NUMBER 2.
WE'RE GONNA
CELEBRATE AT MAHONEY'S,
AND IF TIM THE BARTENDER
PLAYS HIS CARDS RIGHT,
HE'LL BE GETTING A 5'5" TIP.
OOH, PETE... WHAT
DO THESE SAY TO YOU?
HEE-HAW.
HEY.
HEY.
WHATCHA DOIN'?
NOTHIN'. YOU KNOW, I USED
TO BE ABLE TO SOLVE THIS...
WITH MY FEET.
HEH. THERE YA GO.
WOW, YOU JUST DID IT SO... EEH!
[WHACK]
COME ON, BERG.
YOU GOT IT STARTED FOR ME!
COME ON. WHAT'S
GOIN' ON WITH YOU?
NOTHING.
WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE?
HOOKER.
HIGH-CLASS OR STREET?
JERRY SPRINGER.
BERG, WHAT'S GOIN' ON WITH YOU?
THAT! THAT'S WHAT'S GOIN' ON!
WHAT?
DON'T YA FEEL IT?
FEEL WHAT?
THE STRANGE ANGLE
THE UNIVERSE IS ON.
EVERYTHING'S UPSIDE-DOWN.
BLACK IS WHITE. NORTH IS
SOUTH. SHIRTS ARE PANTS.
MY LIFE IS IN A TAILSPIN!
ALL BECAUSE I'M NUMBER 2.
I'M NUMBER 2.
BUT YOU'RE ON THE WAY UP!
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
IF YOU REALLY WANNA BEAT ASHLEY,
WHY DON'T YOU TRY STUDYING
THE MATERIAL MORE THAN ONCE?
OH, COME ON.
BERG, YOU KNOW WHAT I
THINK? I THINK YOU'RE AFRAID.
I THINK YOU'RE AFRAID TO TRY
BECAUSE IF YOU TRY
AND SHE STILL BEATS YOU,
THEN YOU WON'T HAVE AN EXCUSE.
I THINK YOU ARE SO WRONG.
I ALWAYS HAVE AN EXCUSE.
FINE, FINE, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I BET YOU THAT ASHLEY'S AT THE
LIBRARY RIGHT NOW STUDYING,
AND THAT'S WHY SHE'S GONNA
BE NUMBER ONE AND YOU'RE NOT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT. I...
I'VE GOTTA FIND A WAY TO
GET ASHLEY TO STOP STUDYING.
THANKS, PETE.
BERG!
ALL RIGHT?
WHAT DOES THIS SAY?
DESPERATE.
OK! I'VE GOT SHOES
THAT GO WITH DESPERATE.
PETE, I THINK IT'S GREAT
THAT YOU CAME IN SECOND,
BUT DID YOU HAVE
TO BRING IT WITH YOU?
THIS IS EVERY BIT HER
MOMENT AS IT IS MINE.
HERE YOU GO.
EXCUSE ME. I DIDN'T ORDER THAT.
I KNOW. IT'S FROM THE YOUNG
LADY AT THE END OF THE BAR.
NUMBER 2 STRIKES AGAIN.
SO YOU DECIDED TO STOP BY.
OH, RIGHT... TIM. TIM!
FORGOT YOU WORK HERE SOMETIMES.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU HAD ME CALL
AND MAKE SURE... SHIN!
I'LL HAVE A CAPE COD.
HEY, YOU GUYS.
HEY! HEY! HI.
ASHLEY, THIS IS
SHARON, AND THAT'S PETE.
HI, SHARON AND PETE.
THIS IS ASHLEY, AND
SHE'S MY NEW TUTOR.
YOUR WHAT?
TUTOR.
I BUMPED INTO
HER AT THE LIBRARY,
AND WE THOUGHT WE'D
JUST TAKE A LITTLE BREAK
AND COME BY AND
CONGRATULATE YOU.
[CHUCKLING]
CONGRATULATIONS.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SEC?
EXCUSE US.
OK, WHATEVER YOU'RE DOIN',
I DON'T WANT ANY PART OF IT.
BUT IT WAS YOUR PLAN. WHAT PLAN?
TO FIND ASHLEY IN THE LIBRARY
AND GET HER DRUNK
SO SHE CAN'T STUDY.
I ADDED THE "GET HER DRUNK
SO SHE CAN'T STUDY" PART.
WHAT'S GOIN' ON?
HE'S RUINING THIS GIRL'S LIFE
SO HE WON'T HAVE TO STUDY.
AS LONG AS I'M IN THE LOOP.
ALL RIGHT, TEAM, LET'S GO IN
THERE, AND GET HER LIQUORED.
COME ON.
HERE YOU GO.
OH!
THANKS.
LISTEN, DO YOU MIND IF
I ASK YOU A QUESTION?
OH, SURE.
ANYTHING.
WHAT'S YOUR FRIEND'S
NAME? SHE'S REALLY CUTE.
HER NAME IS ASHLEY.
KEEP FEEDING HER DRINKS
UNTIL HER HEAD HITS THE TABLE.
ASHLEY.
OK, NO.
NO, NO.
NO. NO, NO.
NO, NO, NO.
OK, I'M NOT PROUD
OF EITHER OF YOU.
ASHLEY, ASHLEY, THANK
YOU SO MUCH FOR STOPPIN' BY,
BUT I DON'T WANNA KEEP
YOU FROM THE LIBRARY.
SO, UM, THIS MODEL
ACTUALLY TOOK SECOND PLACE.
YEP. NUMBER 2, AND THAT'S
OUT OF 200, BY THE WAY,
BUT LISTEN, I DON'T WANNA
KEEP YOU GUYS FROM STUDYING.
AND, UH, THE, UH, STRUCTURAL
FLAW DIDN'T BOTHER THEM?
WHAT FLAW? THAT'S A
PERFECTLY SOUND BUILDING.
OK. COME ON, BERG.
WE SHOULD GET GOIN'.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT WAIT.
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE FLAW?
THERE... THERE IS NO FLAW.
I MEAN, I DEFY YOU
TO FIND A FLAW.
WELL, A STRONG ENOUGH WIND
COULD... PUHH... BLOW IT RIGHT OVER.
WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDIN' ME?
YOU'RE A MED STUDENT. WHAT THE
HELL DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ARCHITECTURE?
WELL, MY FATHER'S AN ARCHITECT.
WELL, MY MOTHER'S A WOMAN, BUT
THAT DOESN'T MEAN I UNDERSTAND THEM.
IT'S TRUE. HE REALLY DOESN'T.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO START ANYTHING.
SEE, YOU DIDN'T START
ANYTHING BECAUSE YOU'RE WRONG.
YOU'RE COMPLETELY
AND TOTALLY WRONG.
WRONG, WRONG.
WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!
AND SO'S YOUR DAD.
[BLOWING]
SEE... THERE?
NOTHIN'.
ACTUALLY, I WAS TALKING
ABOUT BLOWING FROM THIS ANGLE,
LIKE THIS.
I'M SORRY. PHYSICS
CAN BE SO CRUEL.
OK, I'M IN.
TEQUILA SHOTS ALL AROUND!
LOOK AT THAT GUY. PFFT!
I'M GLAD WE'RE NEVER GOIN' OUT.
DO YOU KNOW HE STILL
LIVES WITH HIS MOTHER?
HOW DID YOU FIND THAT OUT?
I'M JUST GUESSIN'.
YOU KNOW, IF THIS
BUILDING HAD BEEN REAL,
I WOULD BE RESPONSIBLE FOR
THE DEATHS OF THOUSANDS.
AND, LOOK, IT FELL ON
A LITTLE SCHOOL BUS.
OH, GEE, I'M SORRY.
I'VE WORN OUT THE
CORK IN THE BULL'S-EYE.
MAYBE WE SHOULD TRY PINBALL.
BOY, YOU GOT MY NUMBER.
SHOT?
ABSOLUTELY.
I CAN SHOT JUST AS
MANY DRINKS AS YOU.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT. I GOT THAT BACKWARDS.
I MEANT I CAN SHOT JUST
AS MANY DRINKS AS YOU.
WELL, I SHOULD BE GOIN'.
IT'S GETTIN' PRETTY LATE.
OH, SHOOT, WE KEPT
YOU OUT ALL NIGHT,
AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET A CHANCE
TO STUDY FOR TOMORROW'S TEST.
SHOOT, SHOOT, SHOOT.
OH, I STUDIED FOR THAT ALREADY.
YOU DID?
WELL, THEN, I'M SORRY
I GOT YOU SO DRUNK.
I TELL YA,
THERE'S NOTHIN' WORSE THAN
TAKIN' THAT TEST WITH A HANGOVER.
OH, IT'S OK.
APPLE JUICE DOESN'T
GIVE YOU A HANGOVER.
APPLE JUICE.
YOU HAVE NOT BEEN
DRINKING APPLE JUICE.
OH!
YOU'VE BEEN
DRINKIN' APPLE JUICE!
WELL, OF COURSE I HAVE.
WHAT KIND OF A MORON WOULD
DRINK THE NIGHT BEFORE A TEST?
OH! OH, WAIT.
THERE IS ONE I CAN
THINK OF... MR. 9201.
YOU KNOW MY STUDENT I.D. NUMBER?
GOTTA KNOW THE COMPETITION.
YOU!
YOU KNEW WHO I WAS, AND
YOU JUST PLAYED ALONG ANYWAY.
THAT IS SO LOW.
OH, BUT MY SCORES ARE SO HIGH.
BELIEVE ME, BERG. I SAW
YOU COMIN' A MILE AWAY,
EVEN BEFORE YOU TRIED
THAT LAME PICK-UP LINE.
I'M SORRY. BEFORE?
YOU MEAN, YOU NOTICED ME?
YEAH, I NOTICED YOU.
I FOUND YOU TO BE
RUDE AND ARROGANT,
AND IT MADE ME
REALLY, REALLY HAPPY
TO BE THE ONE TO
TAKE YOU DOWN A PEG.
BY GOING OUT WITH ME?
OH, WHEN DID I
"GO OUT" WITH YOU?
WELL, WE'RE AT A BAR.
WE'RE PLAYING DARTS, ASHLEY.
OH, WAIT. I ONLY
PLAYED ALONG WITH YOU
TO GET YOU TOO DRUNK TO
TAKE THE TEST TOMORROW.
IF THAT'S ALL YOU WANTED,
YOU COULD HAVE LEFT 2 HOURS AGO.
SO... SO WHAT'S YOUR POINT?
I THINK YOU KINDA LIKE ME.
GOOD LUCK ON THE
TEST TOMORROW, BERG.
YOU'LL NEED IT. GEEZ!
ASHLEY... JUST ONE
MORE QUESTION.
WHAT?
DO YOU EVER CATCH
YOURSELF JUST GAZING AT ME?
THANKS FOR THE APPLE JUICE.
I'M NOT PAYING FOR THE TUTORING!
OH, THIS WAS A GREAT EVENING.
DID YOU GET THE
BUILDING KILLER DRUNK?
NO. SHE'S NOT DRUNK.
SHE STUDIED FOR THE TEST
TOMORROW, AND SHE'S GOING TO BURY ME.
THEN WHAT'S WITH
THE BIG, STUPID SMILE?
I REALIZED SOMETHING TONIGHT.
ASHLEY IS THE MOST DEVIOUS, CONNIVING,
DOUBLE-CROSSING WOMAN I'VE EVER MET,
AND, UH... WE MUST HAVE
CHILDREN TOGETHER.
WHEN THEY GO TO SCHOOL,
DON'T LET THEM PARK THE
BUS NEAR PETE'S BUILDING.
COME ON, BUDDY. DRINK UP.
TIME TO GO HOME.
HE'S DEAD.
I'M TELLING YOU.
HE'S DEAD!
YEAH. DEAD! DEAD!
KIDS SITTIN' ON SHARON'S CAR.
OK, GRANDPA.
SETTLE DOWN.
BUT THEIR JEANS
LEAVE SCRATCHES IN IT.
COME ON, KIDS!
KIDS, GET OFF SHARON'S CAR!
KIDS, GET OFF SHAR... WHOA! AAH!
HEY!
HEY, YOU KIDS... GET OFF, PETE!
THE UNBELIEVABLE PART
IS THE BUILDING THAT I DESIGNED
MADE IT INTO THE FINALS.
HEY, NICELY DONE. NICELY DONE?
BERG, 200 ARCHITECTURE
STUDENTS SUBMITTED DESIGNS.
190 OF 'EM HATE ME.
WHY? 'CAUSE I'M IN THE TOP 10.
COME ON, PETE. THAT'S
NOT WHY THEY HATE YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
COME ON, BERG. ARE WE
GONNA EAT OR WHAT? I'M STARVIN'.
YEAH. I JUST WANNA
CHECK MY GRADE.
FOR WHAT? YOU'RE
ALWAYS NUMBER ONE.
THE CRAZY THING IS
IT NEVER GETS OLD.
EXCUSE ME.
I'LL BET I CAN GUESS
YOUR PHONE NUMBER.
NO, YOU CAN'T.
OK, YOU GOT ME.
YOU BETTER WRITE IT DOWN.
HA HA HA!
OK, HOW DOES THAT WORK?
IT'S ALL ABOUT CONFIDENCE.
WHOA!
YEAH. I... I THINK
KEATS SAID IT BEST
IN HIS POEM, ODE TO A GREAT ASS.
GO, AND REMEMBER... CONFIDENCE.
OH, MY GOD.
I'M FAILING.
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER,
AND I'LL GIVE YOU A CALL SOMETIME?
[SOBBING]
OK, CONFIDENCE AND TIMING.
NOW, THE MOMENT YOU'VE
ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.
PETE, TELL US WHOSE NUMBER ONE IN
THE MED SCHOOL CLASS COUNTDOWN
FOR A THIRD WEEK IN A ROW,
AND THIS ONE'S GOING OUT TO
A WONDERFUL LADY IN ALBANY
I LIKE TO CALL... MOM.
DON'T EVEN TRY TO TELL
ME THAT WAS CASEY KASEM.
WHAT?
IT'S GOOD.
I WANNA KNOW WHO TOLD YOU THAT
BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT HELPING YOU.
GIVE ME THE TOP
STUDENT I.D. NUMBER.
THE TOP SCORE WENT
TO STUDENT I.D. NUMBER...
8-6-3-1.
VERY FUNNY, PETE.
NOW READ THE ONE THAT
FINISHED FIRST ON THE TEST.
THAT IS THE ONE.
NO.
IT CAN'T BE. MY
NUMBER'S 9-2-0-1.
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE FIRST!
MAYBE NOBODY TOLD THE
GUY WHO GRADES THE PAPERS.
I'M NUMBER 2?
WHOA, WHOA, WHAT... WHAT...
WHAT JUST HAPPENED HERE?
YOU SEE, IF YOU'RE NUMBER 2...
LET ME SEE IF MY
MATH IS CORRECT...
THAT MEANS SOMEBODY
ELSE IS NUMBER ONE. HUH!
WHERE DO YOU HIDE YOUR ABACUS?
NO. NO, NO, NO, NO. NOW,
STAY WITH ME. STAY WITH ME.
THIS MEANS IF YOU
WERE IN THE OLYMPICS,
YOU'D BE, UH, SILVER,
AND IF YOU WERE A BRADY,
YOU'D BE... JAN!
YOU'RE ENJOYING
THIS, AREN'T YOU?
IS MY ENORMOUS
GRIN SHOWING? YEAH.
BERG, ALL THIS MEANS IS YOU'RE JUST
GONNA HAVE TO STUDY A LITTLE BIT MORE.
OR...
FIND OUT WHO'S NUMBER
ONE AND TAKE 'EM DOWN.
YES. YOU'RE MATURING NICELY.
HERE YOU GO, SHARON.
W-W-WAIT.
GIVE MY ORDER TO THAT GUY.
OK. WHY?
JUST DO IT.
GOT YOUR CHOPPED SALAD.
I DIDN'T ORDER A CHOPPED SALAD.
CHOPPED SALAD?
OH! THAT'S MINE.
THEY'RE SUCH IDIOTS HERE.
HI. I'M SHARON.
[IMPERSONATING
HOFFMAN IN RAINMAN]
UH... DEFINITELY NOT
A CHOPPED SALAD.
DEF... DEFINITELY
NOT A CHOPPED SALAD.
YEAH.
YEAH.
HOW YOU DOIN'? I'M TIM.
I KNOW THIS SOUNDS LAME,
BUT WHERE DO I KNOW YOU FROM?
I TEND BAR AT MAHONEY'S
A COUPLE NIGHTS A WEEK.
OH, WHAT A COINCIDENCE.
I TEND TO DRINK THERE A
COUPLE OF NIGHT'S A WEEK.
HERE YOU GO. SO SORRY
ABOUT THE MIX-UP, MAN.
I JUST CAN'T GET ALL
THESE ORDERS STRAIGHT.
LISTEN, I'LL BE THERE
ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT.
IF YOU'RE IN THE
NEIGHBORHOOD, JUST DROP BY.
WELL, YEAH. MAYBE.
SO WE'RE GOIN' TO
MAHONEY'S WEDNESDAY NIGHT?
OH, YEAH.
WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
THERE'S SOMETHIN'
DIFFERENT ABOUT YOU.
YOU LOOK... SMALLER.
YOU TOLD HER, DIDN'T YOU?
MAYBE.
BERG, THERE'S NOTHING
WRONG WITH BEING NUMBER 2.
I MEAN, JUST AS MANY PEOPLE
REMEMBER THE SECOND MAN ON THE MOON.
CAPTAIN, UH... WHAT'S-HIS-FACE.
YEAH?
WELL, YOUR CHEMICAL COMPANY...
DESTROYS THE PLANET!
TRUE, BUT WE'RE
NUMBER ONE AT IT.
COME ON, BERG. DON'T
TAKE IT SO SERIOUSLY, MAN.
IT'S JUST ONE TEST,
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
IF IT BOTHERS YOU SO MUCH, WHY
DON'T YOU TRY STUDYIN' A LITTLE HARDER?
OH, PLEASE. IF ALL IT
TOOK WAS STUDYING,
ANY IDIOT COULD BECOME A DOCTOR.
THE CRUCIAL PART
IS THE MENTAL GAME.
IT'S WHAT SEPARATES
US FROM THE DENTISTS,
BUT THAT'S OK BECAUSE I HAVE
A PLAN. NOW, I GUARANTEE YOU
THE GUY THAT BEAT ME
IS IN THAT STUDY GROUP.
WHY?
ALL THEY DO IS STUDY.
THEY'RE PATHETIC.
YEAH. YEAH, I KNOW
WHAT YOU MEAN.
I MEAN, THAT'S WHO I
WANT OPERATING ON ME,
YOU KNOW, THE GUY
WHO JUST WINGS IT.
HEY, FELLAS, I'M
GLAD YOU CAME IN.
WE WOULDN'T HAVE IF YOU
HADN'T GIVEN US THOSE COUPONS.
HEY, YOU KNOW, WE'RE
MEDICAL STUDENTS.
WE SHOULD HELP EACH OTHER.
YOU'RE NOT SEEING MY NOTES.
THAT'S THE SPIRIT.
SO, UH, I GUESS YOU GUYS DID
PRETTY GOOD ON THE TEST, HUH?
WE DIDN'T... BUT THIS GUY...
MR. NUMBER ONE HIMSELF!
KAMEN.
PLEASE, NO APPLAUSE.
THANK YOU.
HA HA.
LISTEN, KAMEN, UM...
I'M JUST AT A BIT OF A
CRITICAL POINT HERE.
I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN HACK IT.
IS THERE ANY WAY I CAN TALK
TO YOU IN PRIVATE FOR A SECOND?
WELL, OK...
BUT YOU'RE NOT GETTING MY NOTES.
YES, KAMEN.
LISTEN, UH... HOW DO YOU DO IT?
I MEAN, WHEN I TAKE A TEST, I
JUST GET SO NERVOUS, YOU KNOW?
EVERY QUESTION, I START
THINKING, "WHAT IF I'M WRONG?
"DOES THIS MEAN
I'M GONNA BE WRONG
WHEN I GET MY HAND
IS SOME GUY'S CHEST?"
IT'S ONLY A TEST.
THEY'RE JUST QUESTIONS.
OH, BUT THEY'RE
NOT JUST QUESTIONS.
KAMEN, THEY'RE DECISIONS.
I LOOK AT A TEST, AND I SEE A
HUMAN BODY IN FRONT OF ME.
I SEE SOMEBODY'S MOTHER,
SOMEBODY'S FATHER,
[CHOKING BACK EMOTIONS]
SOMEBODY'S CHILD.
GEE, I NEVER THOUGHT
OF IT THAT WAY.
OH, YOU HAVE TO.
I MEAN, YOU CHOOSE "B" INSTEAD
OF "C" AND YOU'RE WRONG,
LITTLE JIMMY CAN'T
PLAY KICKBALL ANYMORE.
OH, MY GOD.
SO THE NEXT TIME YOU TAKE
A TEST, YOU JUST REMEMBER...
SCALPELS DON'T HAVE ERASERS.
ANYWAY, ENJOY THE PIZZA!
BERG, HOW'D IT GO?
OH, IT'S NOT POSTED YET,
BUT I'M NOT TOO WORRIED.
BY THE END OF THE TEST,
KAMEN WAS IN THE FETAL POSITION.
HI, THERE.
CAN I BORROW YOUR PEN?
THAT DEPENDS.
WERE YOU PLANNING ON WRITING
YOUR PHONE NUMBER DOWN WITH IT?
MY MOTHER WARNED
ME ABOUT GUYS LIKE YOU.
HERE'S MY NUMBER.
TSK TSK TSK TSK... KEEP THE PEN.
THAT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.
YOU WERE SO SMOOTH I
ALMOST GAVE YOU MY NUMBER.
THAT'S THE KIND OF
CONFIDENCE YOU GET
WHEN YOUR BUILDING
TAKES SECOND PLACE.
WHAT? NUMBER 2.
NUMERO DOS.
HEY, GOOD FOR YOU.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE REALLY
COMIN' INTO YOUR OWN THERE.
YOU'RE LIKE ONE OF THOSE SUPERMODELS
THAT WAS UGLY IN HIGH SCHOOL.
SEE SOMETHIN' YOU LIKE?
WOW, WHERE'D YOU GET THAT LINE?
'CAUSE YOU NEED TO GIVE IT BACK.
OH, SWING AND A MISS.
AH, YOU DON'T SEE THAT
HAPPEN VERY OFTEN, FOLKS.
OUT OF MY WAY.
COMIN' THROUGH. COMIN' THROUGH.
Kamen: OH, MY GOD.
NO!
HEY. HEY, HEY, KAMEN,
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
I DID TERRIBLY.
AH, SUCH IS LIFE.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT A MINUTE.
"8-6-3-1." YOU'RE STILL ON TOP.
THAT'S NOT ME.
BUT YOU...
BUT YOU SAID YOU WERE
NUMBER ONE, KAMEN.
NUMBER ONE IN MY STUDY GROUP.
I WAS 24th IN THE CLASS.
NOW I DROPPED TO 50th.
OOPS.
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, BERG.
YOU PSYCHED ME OUT.
I PSYCHED YOU OUT.
YOU'RE DEAD, BERG! YOU HEAR ME?
W-WHOA... YEAH. DEAD!
NICE ATTITUDE FOR A DOCTOR!
Woman: NUMBER ONE
2 WEEKS IN A ROW.
THE BEST PART ABOUT IT IS,
IT'S EASY TO FIND MY SCORE.
ALL RIGHT, ASHLEY.
I HAVE TO STUDY
WITH YOU NEXT TIME.
I DON'T BELIEVE THAT WOMAN.
SHE MADE ME RUIN
KAMEN'S LIFE FOR NOTHIN'.
YEAH.
EXCUSE ME. HEY, REMEMBER ME?
THE GUY WITH THE DAZZLING SMILE?
OH, YEAH.
GO LIKE THIS.
WHAT? I GOT
SOMETHING IN MY TOOTH?
NOPE. NOW GO AWAY.
SO, UM, YOU WERE NUMBER ONE,
I GUESS, IN YOUR STUDY GROUP?
NUMBER ONE IN THE CLASS.
SUSAN, PLEASE.
FOR 2 WEEKS IN A ROW.
ASHLEY, RIGHT?
UH-HUH.
CAN I TALK TO YOU IN
PRIVATE FOR A SECOND?
LISTEN, UH...
HOW DO YOU DO IT?
I MEAN, WHEN I TAKE A TEST I
JUST GET SO NERVOUS, YOU KNOW?
EVERY QUESTION I START
THINKIN', "WHAT IF I'M WRONG?
"DOES THIS MEAN
I'M GONNA BE WRONG
WHEN I GOT MY HAND
IN SOME GUY'S CHEST?"
IT PROBABLY DOES.
NO. I'M GONNA MAKE
A GOOD DOCTOR.
I JUST MEAN WHEN
I'M TAKIN' A TEST.
SEE, THEY'RE NOT JUST QUESTIONS.
THEY'RE DECISIONS.
I LOOK AT A TEST, AND I SEE A
HUMAN BODY IN FRONT OF ME.
I SEE SOMEBODY'S MOTHER,
SOMEBODY'S FATHER,
[CHOKING BACK EMOTIONS]
SOMEBODY'S CHILD.
OH, MY GOD, I KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
YOU WANT ME TO TUTOR YOU.
I MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT.
SWING AND A MISS. STRIKE 2.
DON'T BE EMBARRASSED.
I WORK WITH REMEDIAL
STUDENTS ALL THE TIME.
REMEDIAL.
REMEDIAL?
IT MEANS SLOWER.
I SHOULD HAVE GUESSED THE FIRST
TIME YOU STARTED SPEAKING TO ME,
ALL THAT BRAVADO
COVERING YOUR INSECURITY.
THERE IS NOTHING
UNDERNEATH MY BRAVADO.
LISTEN, HERE'S MY CARD.
CALL ME. I CAN HELP.
BYE.
I LOVE BEIN' NUMBER 2.
BERG, WHAT DOES
THIS OUTFIT SAY TO YOU?
I'M NOT IN THE MOOD TO LISTEN
TO YOUR CLOTHES RIGHT NOW.
COME ON. I WANNA LOOK GREAT
FOR PETE'S PARTY TONIGHT.
PETE'S PARTY?
YEAH. HE'S NUMBER 2.
WE'RE GONNA
CELEBRATE AT MAHONEY'S,
AND IF TIM THE BARTENDER
PLAYS HIS CARDS RIGHT,
HE'LL BE GETTING A 5'5" TIP.
OOH, PETE... WHAT
DO THESE SAY TO YOU?
HEE-HAW.
HEY.
HEY.
WHATCHA DOIN'?
NOTHIN'. YOU KNOW, I USED
TO BE ABLE TO SOLVE THIS...
WITH MY FEET.
HEH. THERE YA GO.
WOW, YOU JUST DID IT SO... EEH!
[WHACK]
COME ON, BERG.
YOU GOT IT STARTED FOR ME!
COME ON. WHAT'S
GOIN' ON WITH YOU?
NOTHING.
WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE?
HOOKER.
HIGH-CLASS OR STREET?
JERRY SPRINGER.
BERG, WHAT'S GOIN' ON WITH YOU?
THAT! THAT'S WHAT'S GOIN' ON!
WHAT?
DON'T YA FEEL IT?
FEEL WHAT?
THE STRANGE ANGLE
THE UNIVERSE IS ON.
EVERYTHING'S UPSIDE-DOWN.
BLACK IS WHITE. NORTH IS
SOUTH. SHIRTS ARE PANTS.
MY LIFE IS IN A TAILSPIN!
ALL BECAUSE I'M NUMBER 2.
I'M NUMBER 2.
BUT YOU'RE ON THE WAY UP!
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
IF YOU REALLY WANNA BEAT ASHLEY,
WHY DON'T YOU TRY STUDYING
THE MATERIAL MORE THAN ONCE?
OH, COME ON.
BERG, YOU KNOW WHAT I
THINK? I THINK YOU'RE AFRAID.
I THINK YOU'RE AFRAID TO TRY
BECAUSE IF YOU TRY
AND SHE STILL BEATS YOU,
THEN YOU WON'T HAVE AN EXCUSE.
I THINK YOU ARE SO WRONG.
I ALWAYS HAVE AN EXCUSE.
FINE, FINE, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I BET YOU THAT ASHLEY'S AT THE
LIBRARY RIGHT NOW STUDYING,
AND THAT'S WHY SHE'S GONNA
BE NUMBER ONE AND YOU'RE NOT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT. I...
I'VE GOTTA FIND A WAY TO
GET ASHLEY TO STOP STUDYING.
THANKS, PETE.
BERG!
ALL RIGHT?
WHAT DOES THIS SAY?
DESPERATE.
OK! I'VE GOT SHOES
THAT GO WITH DESPERATE.
PETE, I THINK IT'S GREAT
THAT YOU CAME IN SECOND,
BUT DID YOU HAVE
TO BRING IT WITH YOU?
THIS IS EVERY BIT HER
MOMENT AS IT IS MINE.
HERE YOU GO.
EXCUSE ME. I DIDN'T ORDER THAT.
I KNOW. IT'S FROM THE YOUNG
LADY AT THE END OF THE BAR.
NUMBER 2 STRIKES AGAIN.
SO YOU DECIDED TO STOP BY.
OH, RIGHT... TIM. TIM!
FORGOT YOU WORK HERE SOMETIMES.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU HAD ME CALL
AND MAKE SURE... SHIN!
I'LL HAVE A CAPE COD.
HEY, YOU GUYS.
HEY! HEY! HI.
ASHLEY, THIS IS
SHARON, AND THAT'S PETE.
HI, SHARON AND PETE.
THIS IS ASHLEY, AND
SHE'S MY NEW TUTOR.
YOUR WHAT?
TUTOR.
I BUMPED INTO
HER AT THE LIBRARY,
AND WE THOUGHT WE'D
JUST TAKE A LITTLE BREAK
AND COME BY AND
CONGRATULATE YOU.
[CHUCKLING]
CONGRATULATIONS.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SEC?
EXCUSE US.
OK, WHATEVER YOU'RE DOIN',
I DON'T WANT ANY PART OF IT.
BUT IT WAS YOUR PLAN. WHAT PLAN?
TO FIND ASHLEY IN THE LIBRARY
AND GET HER DRUNK
SO SHE CAN'T STUDY.
I ADDED THE "GET HER DRUNK
SO SHE CAN'T STUDY" PART.
WHAT'S GOIN' ON?
HE'S RUINING THIS GIRL'S LIFE
SO HE WON'T HAVE TO STUDY.
AS LONG AS I'M IN THE LOOP.
ALL RIGHT, TEAM, LET'S GO IN
THERE, AND GET HER LIQUORED.
COME ON.
HERE YOU GO.
OH!
THANKS.
LISTEN, DO YOU MIND IF
I ASK YOU A QUESTION?
OH, SURE.
ANYTHING.
WHAT'S YOUR FRIEND'S
NAME? SHE'S REALLY CUTE.
HER NAME IS ASHLEY.
KEEP FEEDING HER DRINKS
UNTIL HER HEAD HITS THE TABLE.
ASHLEY.
OK, NO.
NO, NO.
NO. NO, NO.
NO, NO, NO.
OK, I'M NOT PROUD
OF EITHER OF YOU.
ASHLEY, ASHLEY, THANK
YOU SO MUCH FOR STOPPIN' BY,
BUT I DON'T WANNA KEEP
YOU FROM THE LIBRARY.
SO, UM, THIS MODEL
ACTUALLY TOOK SECOND PLACE.
YEP. NUMBER 2, AND THAT'S
OUT OF 200, BY THE WAY,
BUT LISTEN, I DON'T WANNA
KEEP YOU GUYS FROM STUDYING.
AND, UH, THE, UH, STRUCTURAL
FLAW DIDN'T BOTHER THEM?
WHAT FLAW? THAT'S A
PERFECTLY SOUND BUILDING.
OK. COME ON, BERG.
WE SHOULD GET GOIN'.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT WAIT.
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE FLAW?
THERE... THERE IS NO FLAW.
I MEAN, I DEFY YOU
TO FIND A FLAW.
WELL, A STRONG ENOUGH WIND
COULD... PUHH... BLOW IT RIGHT OVER.
WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDIN' ME?
YOU'RE A MED STUDENT. WHAT THE
HELL DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ARCHITECTURE?
WELL, MY FATHER'S AN ARCHITECT.
WELL, MY MOTHER'S A WOMAN, BUT
THAT DOESN'T MEAN I UNDERSTAND THEM.
IT'S TRUE. HE REALLY DOESN'T.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO START ANYTHING.
SEE, YOU DIDN'T START
ANYTHING BECAUSE YOU'RE WRONG.
YOU'RE COMPLETELY
AND TOTALLY WRONG.
WRONG, WRONG.
WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!
AND SO'S YOUR DAD.
[BLOWING]
SEE... THERE?
NOTHIN'.
ACTUALLY, I WAS TALKING
ABOUT BLOWING FROM THIS ANGLE,
LIKE THIS.
I'M SORRY. PHYSICS
CAN BE SO CRUEL.
OK, I'M IN.
TEQUILA SHOTS ALL AROUND!
LOOK AT THAT GUY. PFFT!
I'M GLAD WE'RE NEVER GOIN' OUT.
DO YOU KNOW HE STILL
LIVES WITH HIS MOTHER?
HOW DID YOU FIND THAT OUT?
I'M JUST GUESSIN'.
YOU KNOW, IF THIS
BUILDING HAD BEEN REAL,
I WOULD BE RESPONSIBLE FOR
THE DEATHS OF THOUSANDS.
AND, LOOK, IT FELL ON
A LITTLE SCHOOL BUS.
OH, GEE, I'M SORRY.
I'VE WORN OUT THE
CORK IN THE BULL'S-EYE.
MAYBE WE SHOULD TRY PINBALL.
BOY, YOU GOT MY NUMBER.
SHOT?
ABSOLUTELY.
I CAN SHOT JUST AS
MANY DRINKS AS YOU.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT. I GOT THAT BACKWARDS.
I MEANT I CAN SHOT JUST
AS MANY DRINKS AS YOU.
WELL, I SHOULD BE GOIN'.
IT'S GETTIN' PRETTY LATE.
OH, SHOOT, WE KEPT
YOU OUT ALL NIGHT,
AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET A CHANCE
TO STUDY FOR TOMORROW'S TEST.
SHOOT, SHOOT, SHOOT.
OH, I STUDIED FOR THAT ALREADY.
YOU DID?
WELL, THEN, I'M SORRY
I GOT YOU SO DRUNK.
I TELL YA,
THERE'S NOTHIN' WORSE THAN
TAKIN' THAT TEST WITH A HANGOVER.
OH, IT'S OK.
APPLE JUICE DOESN'T
GIVE YOU A HANGOVER.
APPLE JUICE.
YOU HAVE NOT BEEN
DRINKING APPLE JUICE.
OH!
YOU'VE BEEN
DRINKIN' APPLE JUICE!
WELL, OF COURSE I HAVE.
WHAT KIND OF A MORON WOULD
DRINK THE NIGHT BEFORE A TEST?
OH! OH, WAIT.
THERE IS ONE I CAN
THINK OF... MR. 9201.
YOU KNOW MY STUDENT I.D. NUMBER?
GOTTA KNOW THE COMPETITION.
YOU!
YOU KNEW WHO I WAS, AND
YOU JUST PLAYED ALONG ANYWAY.
THAT IS SO LOW.
OH, BUT MY SCORES ARE SO HIGH.
BELIEVE ME, BERG. I SAW
YOU COMIN' A MILE AWAY,
EVEN BEFORE YOU TRIED
THAT LAME PICK-UP LINE.
I'M SORRY. BEFORE?
YOU MEAN, YOU NOTICED ME?
YEAH, I NOTICED YOU.
I FOUND YOU TO BE
RUDE AND ARROGANT,
AND IT MADE ME
REALLY, REALLY HAPPY
TO BE THE ONE TO
TAKE YOU DOWN A PEG.
BY GOING OUT WITH ME?
OH, WHEN DID I
"GO OUT" WITH YOU?
WELL, WE'RE AT A BAR.
WE'RE PLAYING DARTS, ASHLEY.
OH, WAIT. I ONLY
PLAYED ALONG WITH YOU
TO GET YOU TOO DRUNK TO
TAKE THE TEST TOMORROW.
IF THAT'S ALL YOU WANTED,
YOU COULD HAVE LEFT 2 HOURS AGO.
SO... SO WHAT'S YOUR POINT?
I THINK YOU KINDA LIKE ME.
GOOD LUCK ON THE
TEST TOMORROW, BERG.
YOU'LL NEED IT. GEEZ!
ASHLEY... JUST ONE
MORE QUESTION.
WHAT?
DO YOU EVER CATCH
YOURSELF JUST GAZING AT ME?
THANKS FOR THE APPLE JUICE.
I'M NOT PAYING FOR THE TUTORING!
OH, THIS WAS A GREAT EVENING.
DID YOU GET THE
BUILDING KILLER DRUNK?
NO. SHE'S NOT DRUNK.
SHE STUDIED FOR THE TEST
TOMORROW, AND SHE'S GOING TO BURY ME.
THEN WHAT'S WITH
THE BIG, STUPID SMILE?
I REALIZED SOMETHING TONIGHT.
ASHLEY IS THE MOST DEVIOUS, CONNIVING,
DOUBLE-CROSSING WOMAN I'VE EVER MET,
AND, UH... WE MUST HAVE
CHILDREN TOGETHER.
WHEN THEY GO TO SCHOOL,
DON'T LET THEM PARK THE
BUS NEAR PETE'S BUILDING.
COME ON, BUDDY. DRINK UP.
TIME TO GO HOME.
HE'S DEAD.
I'M TELLING YOU.
HE'S DEAD!
YEAH. DEAD! DEAD!