Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 1, Episode 13 - Two Guys, a Girl and a Landlord - full transcript
Pete installs a satellite dish on the building and his landlord removes it. Pete fights back but all he succeeds in doing is getting the heating in the building turned off, which kills Berg's pet fish. The battle is on and it escalates!
HEY, PETE. WHAT YA DOIN'?
READING.
YOU WANNA DO SOMETHING?
BERG, I HAVE TO STUDY.
I'M BORED.
WELL, TOUGH.
HEY, I BET YOU CAN'T LIFT
THAT GARBAGE CAN OVER YOUR HEAD.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
OF COURSE I CAN. IT'S EMPTY.
OH, THERE WAS A
TIME WHEN YOU COULD.
WHEN YOU WERE,
YOU KNOW... IN SHAPE.
BERG, I'M IN GREAT SHAPE.
OK, PETE.
NO BIG DEAL.
HEY, LOOK HOW STRONG I AM!
I HATE YOU SO MUCH.
BERG... SAY HELLO TO
THE ALPHA-STAT 100.
HELLO.
WE CAN NOW WATCH WHAT
WE WANT WHEN WE WANT
FROM ANY CORNER OF THE EARTH.
ALL CRAMMED INTO
A 12-INCH SCREEN.
YEAH.
I PERSONALLY RECONSTRUCTED IT
FROM THE ORIGINAL SCHEMATICS.
I ADDED A SIGNAL BOOSTER,
USED GOLD-PLATED CO-AX,
AND REPLACED THE
ORIGINAL ALUMINUM ALLOY
WITH A TITANIUM STEEL COATING.
ONE THING...
SHOULDN'T IT BE FACING...
AWAY FROM THE BUILDING?
OK, KLAUS BUDDY,
ALL YOU HAVE TO
DO IS GET THE BALL.
I KNOW YOU'RE A FISH, BUT
DON'T LET THAT HOLD YOU BACK.
NO PRESSURE.
JUST HAVE FUN.
FETCH, KLAUS.
THAT'S OK, BUDDY. SWIM IT OFF.
WE'LL GET 'EM NEXT TIME.
BERG, YOU'VE BEEN WORKING
WITH KLAUS FOR 9 WEEKS.
ALL YOU ARE TO HIM
IS A BIG, BIG FACE.
DID I MENTION THAT THIS CAN
SWING ME A THOUSAND-DOLLAR GRANT
FROM THE SOCIETY
OF ANIMAL RESEARCH?
DON'T JUST SWIM THERE,
YOU LAZY SACK OF SCALES.
FETCH.
ALPHA-STAT 100 FIRMLY
FASTENED TO THE ROOF.
PETE DUNVILLE...
FIRMLY FASTENED TO THE COUCH.
JUST TURN ME OVER EVERY 2 DAYS.
PETE, YOU CAN'T RUN THE
CABLE THROUGH THE HALL.
I HAD NO CHOICE. THE
WINDOWS ARE PAINTED SHUT,
AND THE NEW LANDLORD
WON'T RETURN MY PHONE CALLS.
I LEFT HIM, LIKE, 5 MESSAGES.
YEAH, WELL, HE
DOESN'T TAKE CALLS.
I HEAR YOU HAVE TO SUBMIT
EVERYTHING TO HIM IN WRITING.
WHAT'S HE LOOKING
FOR, A PEN PAL?
HE CAN PICK UP A PHONE.
LIFE!
GIVE MY TV LIFE!
KEEP IT DOWN, WILL YA?
GREAT. NOW HE'S
HIDING IN THE CASTLE.
BERG, IT'S NOT MY FAULT
YOUR FISH IS STUPID.
OH, THAT'S PRETTY
TOUGH TALK, PETE.
I'D LIKE TO SEE YA TELL HIM
THAT TO THE SIDE OF HIS FACE.
YES, YES, THE BRUINS GAME.
[HOCKEY ANNOUNCERS
SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
WHY IS THE BRUINS
GAME IN RUSSIAN?
'CAUSE IT'S BLACKED
OUT IN BOSTON,
SO I MUST BE GETTING
THE FEED FROM MOSCOW.
SO YOU'RE PRETTY MUCH
DONE WITH THE OUTSIDE WORLD?
YOU BETCHA. SCORE. BERG, HOW
DO YOU SAY "SCORE" IN RUSSIAN?
VLAST.
VLASTO!
UH, PETE, THE TV
SEEMS TO BE LEAVING.
SEE, KLAUS? THAT'S
HOW YOU FETCH.
IT TOOK ME 7 HOURS TO
HAUL AND INSTALL THAT THING,
AND NOW IT'S GONE
WITHOUT A TRACE.
I MEAN, WHO WOULD DO THIS?
OUR NEW LANDLORD.
YOU VIOLATED THE
BUILDING UNIFORMITY CODE.
WHAT?
"THE BUILDING SHALL BE
UNIFORM IN EVERY WAY.
"ALL COMMON AREAS...
HALLWAYS, STOOPS, ROOFTOPS...
SHALL REMAIN FREE OF CLUTTER..."
HE STOLE MY SATELLITE DISH.
"INCLUDING PLANTS,
WREATHS, AND WELCOME MATS.
HAVE A NICE DAY,
EDGAR J. HAGGERTY."
WHAT KIND OF GUY DOESN'T
LIKE WELCOME MATS?
GUESSIN' THE SAME GUY
WHO COULD RIP OUT A
200-POUND SATELLITE DISH
AND SCALE DOWN THE
SIDE OF A BUILDING?
MAYBE ALL THOSE STORIES I
HEARD ABOUT HAGGERTY ARE TRUE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
REMEMBER MARCO, THE
STUTTERING MIME IN 3B?
RETILED HIS BATHROOM
WITHOUT PERMISSION.
HASN'T BEEN HEARD FROM SINCE.
HE'S A MIME.
I'M NOT KIDDING.
THIS HAGGERTY GUY HAS NEVER
SHOWN HIS FACE AROUND HERE,
YET HE KNOWS
EVERYTHING THAT'S GOIN' ON.
ALL RIGHT. SO WE'RE BACK
DOWN TO 80 CHANNELS,
JUST LIKE THE AMISH.
THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA
DO? WHAT'S DONE IS DONE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN
WHAT'S DONE IS DONE?
YOU KNOW, QUE SERA, SERA.
NO USE CRYING OVER SPILLED MILK.
HAKUNA MATATA.
PICK YOUR FAVORITE.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
BERG, YOU CAN'T JUST HAKUNA
MATATA YOUR WAY THROUGH LIFE.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO
STAND UP FOR WHAT'S RIGHT.
HE'S THE LANDLORD, PETE.
IT'S HIS PLACE. HE
MAKES THE RULES.
HIS RULES ARE WRONG. THIS
IS OUR HOME. WE LIVE HERE.
HAGGERTY CAN'T JUST STEAL
OUR SATELLITE DISHES
AND OUR WELCOME MATS.
I GOT AN IDEA. LET'S
TALK ABOUT THIS INSIDE.
NO. THE BUILDING WAS FINE
BEFORE THAT GUY
CAME AROUND, RIGHT?
NOW HE'S GONNA WALK AROUND
AND DICTATE A
BUNCH OF NEW RULES?
NEXT THING YOU KNOW, WE WON'T
BE ALLOWED TO PEE IN THE SHOWER.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK.
I'M GONNA SHOW THIS
HAGGERTY WHO HE'S MESSIN' WITH.
YOU DON'T JUST PUSH
PETE DUNVILLE AROUND.
NOW, ARE YOU GUYS IN?
I'M OUT. I'LL SEE YA INSIDE.
BILL, YA HAD TO SEE IT.
AS GOD IS MY WITNESS,
3 TIMES IN A ROW
LITTLE KLAUS SWAM OVER AND
FINALLY FETCHED THE BALL BACK.
FASCINATING. NOW
SHOVEL THE DAMN SIDEWALK.
IT'S STILL SNOWING.
LAST TIME I SAW A
SNOWSTORM THIS BAD,
I WAS TRAVELING
IN SOUTH AMERICA.
WE JUST FINISHED A
SOCCER MATCH IN BOLIVIA,
HEADED HOME TO CHILE.
BAUER... PLANE
CRASHED IN THE ANDES.
WE WERE STRANDED FOR
WEEKS WITHOUT FOOD.
BAUER...
WE WERE FORCED TO
EAT THE GOALTENDER.
HE WAS A RUGGED NET
MINDER, BUT A DELICATE MEAL.
UH, PLEASE COME AGAIN
AND BE CAREFUL ON THE SIDEWALK.
IT'S SLIPPERY.
WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO
DO? IT WAS JOSé OR STARVE.
IT'S NOT A MOMENT I'M
PARTICULARLY PROUD OF.
AND OF COURSE, NUTRITIONALLY,
THERE'S NOT MUCH
TO BE SAID FOR IT.
WELL, LOOK WHO DECIDED
TO SHOW UP FOR WORK.
I'M SORRY, BILL, BUT I'M IN
THE MIDST OF A REVOLUTION.
REALLY? YEAH.
SHOVEL THE DAMN SIDEWALK.
HEY. I JUST LEFT
HAGGERTY A LITTLE MESSAGE
TO SHOW HIM WHAT I FEEL
ABOUT HIS UNIFORMITY CODE.
WHAT DOES THIS SAY TO YOU?
WELCOME?
NO. IT SAYS FREEDOM.
I HOPE YOU KEPT YOUR RECEIPT
BECAUSE I'M PRETTY
SURE IT SAYS WELCOME.
I LEFT A WELCOME MAT IN FRONT OF
EVERY DOOR IN OUR ENTIRE BUILDING.
HE WANTS
UNIFORMITY, HE'S GOT IT.
AND TO SHOW HIM I REALLY
MEAN BUSINESS... HA HA! A WREATH!
YEAH, YOU DON'T WANNA MESS
WITH A MAN WHO CARRIES A WREATH.
HMM. NOW WE'LL SEE HOW FAST
HAGGERTY GETS BACK TO ME.
OK, IT HAS STOPPED SNOWING.
WHO'S GONNA SHOVEL THE SIDEWALK?
ME! ME! I GET TO.
NO, I GET TO DO IT.
YOU DID IT LAST
TIME. NO, YOU DID.
THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO
SETTLE THIS THING FAIRLY.
NEITHER OF US GETS
TO SHOVEL THE WALK.
AW, NUTS.
ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN
EITHER SHOVEL THE WALK,
OR YOU CAN DIG YOUR OWN GRAVES.
I'LL JUST LEAVE THIS HERE.
SHARON, I SEE YOU
HAVE A FREEDOM MAT.
OW.
YOU AND YOUR
STUPID WELCOME MATS.
THIS NOTE WAS TAPED TO
THE WALL BY THE MAILBOXES.
"ATTENTION... UNTIL
THE TENANT IN 1A
"PERSONALLY CORRECTS HIS
VIOLATION OF THE UNIFORMITY CODE,
"THE HEAT SHALL REMAIN
OFF IN THE ENTIRE BUILDING.
HAVE A NICE DAY,
EDGAR J. HAGGERTY."
FREEDOM!
MAN, WHEN THE PEOPLE IN
OUR BUILDING COME HOME...
IF I WERE YOU, I'D PICK
UP THOSE MATS RIGHT NOW
AND GET RID OF THOSE
BUTT-UGLY WREATHS.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST PICK THEM UP?
WHAT, AND GET ON
HAGGERTY'S BAD SIDE?
UH-UH. FORGET IT.
[WHISPERING] He knows all.
[WHISPERING] He knows all, huh?
ASK HIM WHY I'M
SLICING MY 3-IRON.
FINE. FINE. I'LL
DO IT AFTER WORK,
BUT HAGGERTY HAS NOT
HEARD THE LAST OF ME.
[CLEARS THROAT]
BILL, WHAT? I WAS JUST OUT
THERE. IT'S NOT ICY AT ALL.
OH, YEAH?
I CAN'T WAIT.
KLAUS IS GONNA LIGHT UP
WHEN HE SEES HIS NEW MERMAID.
OK, THIS IS THE LAST ONE.
[HEAT GOES ON]
WAS THAT THE HEAT?
MAYBE HE DOES KNOW ALL.
OHH.
WELL, LOOKS LIKE HAGGERTY
FINALLY GOT OUR WINDOWS UNSTUCK.
WE SHOULD GET HIM
A LITTLE SOMETHING.
HE TOOK OUR WINDOWS.
BERG, THE MAN... HE CAME IN
HERE, AND HE TOOK OUR WINDOWS.
"HAPPY TO SERVICE YOUR NEEDS.
"HAVE A NICE DAY...
EDGAR J. HAGGERTY."
[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]
IT'S 2 DEGREES, AND
HE TOOK OUR WINDOWS.
YA MENTIONED THAT.
I SUPPOSE YOU'RE GONNA LET
THIS JUST ROLL OFF YOUR BACK.
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT?
WHAT IS IT?
KLAUS?
Berg: KLAUS!
[LAUGHING]
PETE, ONE MORE TIME.
BILL, IT'S REALLY
NOT THAT FUNNY.
AW, COME ON.
YOU WALKED INTO THE APARTMENT,
SNOW'S COVERING
THE WHOLE PLACE...
BERG WIPED OFF THE GLASS,
AND KLAUS WAS LIKE... [LAUGHING]
THAT CRACKS ME UP.
DO IT AGAIN.
BILL, I'M NOT DOIN' IT AGAIN.
THEN SHOVEL THE SIDEWALK.
BERG TOOK THIS REALLY HARD.
HE LOOKED AT ME,
AND HE STORMED OUT,
AND I HAVEN'T HEARD
FROM HIM SINCE,
AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT.
CALL ME IF YOU
SEE HIM. ANYTHING?
NOTHING. BERNIE,
FITZ, THE UNIVERSITY.
NOBODY'S SEEN HIM.
DID YOU TRY TOPLESS,
TOPLESS, TOPLESS?
AMBER SAID HE WASN'T THERE.
TA-DA! HEY, DID YOU GET HIM?
YEAH. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
DOES HE LOOK LIKE KLAUS?
AHH, I THINK. WHERE
DID YOU GET HIM?
DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE
HIM? IT'S HAROLD.
FROM MY KINDERGARTEN CLASS.
OH, HAROLD.
YEAH. I TOLD MY KIDS
HE WAS VISITING
FAMILY AT SEA WORLD.
I DON'T THINK ANY FISH
IS GONNA REPLACE KLAUS.
OH, HONEY, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
ACTUALLY, IT'S ALL HIS FAULT.
I KNOW. I WAS JUST TRYING
TO MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER.
OH, LOOK, SHARON'S RIGHT.
I MEAN, BERG'S OUT
THERE, SOMEWHERE,
LOST, ALL BY HIMSELF,
WANDERING AROUND
IN THE FREEZING COLD.
DID YOU TRY TOPLESS,
TOPLESS, TOPLESS?
LOOK, I'M SURE HE'S FINE.
I WOULDN'T BE SO SURE.
I ONCE TOOK A JOB AS
A WINTER CARETAKER
IN AN OLD HOTEL IN THE
MOUNTAINS OF COLORADO.
I THOUGHT I COULD
WORK ON MY NOVEL,
SPEND SOME QUALITY
TIME WITH MY FAMILY.
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY
MADE JACK A DULL BOY.
YES, THE COLD CAN DO
STRANGE THINGS TO A MAN'S MIND.
BERG, THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
PETE, SHOW HIM THE FACE.
BERG, I'M REALLY
SORRY ABOUT KLAUS.
LOOK. LOOK, LOOK,
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
I KNOW IT'S NOT KLAUS,
BUT I SEE POTENTIAL.
YOU WERE RIGHT. I'M SORRY, BERG.
LOOK. I ASKED FOR OUR
WINDOWS BACK IN WRITING.
HAKUNA MATATA?
NO, PETE.
YOU WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG.
BERG, COME ON, HONEY, LET'S
GET YOU OVER BY THE OVEN
AND THAW OUT YOUR BRAIN.
NO!
PETE DIDN'T KILL
KLAUS. HAGGERTY DID.
HE STOLE OUR WINDOWS.
THAT IS AN ACT OF AGGRESSION.
THAT IS AN ACT OF WAR.
WELL, IF HE WANTS
A WAR, HE'S GOT ONE.
WHO'S WITH ME?
I'M WITH YA.
I'M STILL OUT.
ALL RIGHT, ALMOST DONE.
[CHUCKLES]
OH, HEY, SHARON.
DID YOU GET OUR MESSAGE?
Both: YEAH.
OH, GOOD. HAGGERTY
GAVE YOU YOUR DISH BACK.
[LAUGHING]
LET'S JUST SAY WE FOUND IT.
MMM. LOCKED IN HIS STORAGE ROOM.
YOU GUYS. 3B, REMEMBER?
RETILED HIS BATHROOM,
THEN BYE-BYE.
THIS GUY'S ALL
SMOKE AND MIRRORS,
LIKE THE WIZARD OF OZ.
YEAH, AND WE ARE JUST THE GUYS
TO PULL BACK THE CURTAIN.
HEY, WHAT'S ALL THIS STUFF?
PRISONERS OF THE
UNIFORMITY CODE.
UH, MY FICUS.
SEE?
DONE.
NOW LET'S GO GLUE DOWN
SOME WELCOME MATS.
KLAUS WOULD'VE
WANTED IT THAT WAY.
OH, NO.
NEED A NEW BULB.
WELL, BETTER PUT IT IN WRITING.
HAVE A NICE DAY,
EDGAR J. HAGGERTY.
UH, GUYS, I THINK YOU BETTER
TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT'S IN THIS FILE.
"THIRD-GENERATION WEST POINT,
TOP OF HIS CLASS, FOUGHT
IN 3 WARS, GREEN BERET, CIA"?
OH, MAN.
YOU GUYS ARE SO 3B.
THEY'RE UP HERE.
WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE
PROBLEM, MRS. HIMMELFARB?
YOU! HAGGERTY LEFT THIS NOTE.
HE SAYS WE DON'T GET
OUR ELECTRICITY BACK
UNTIL YOU GO MEET WITH HIM.
WELL, DON'T YA SEE? HE'S CRAZY.
TODAY CAN BE OUR
INDEPENDENCE DAY.
IF WE ALL BAND TOGETHER,
WE CAN BEAT HIM.
WELL, WE'RE GOING
TO BAND TOGETHER,
AND WE'RE GONNA BEAT YOU.
All: YEAH!
IS THERE AN
ADDRESS IN THAT FILE?
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M TAKING
YOU GUYS TO SEE HAGGERTY.
JUST DRIVE.
[PETE'S THOUGHTS] HAGGERTY
WAS CLOSE, REAL CLOSE.
I COULDN'T SEE HIM YET,
BUT I COULD FEEL HIM.
IT'S AS IF THE CAR WAS BEING
SUCKED UP BY THE HIGHWAY,
AND THE PAVEMENT WAS
FLOWING BACK INTO THE WOODS.
PART OF ME WAS AFRAID OF WHAT
I WOULD FIND WHEN I GOT THERE.
THE THING I FELT MOST,
STRONGER THAN FEAR,
WAS THE DESIRE TO CONFRONT HIM.
I CAN'T BELIEVE SHARON
JUST DROVE BY THAT SPACE.
NOW, JUST REMEMBER...
WE'RE IN THE RIGHT.
DEATH TO THE UNIFORMITY CODE.
AND WE STAND TOGETHER.
AND I'LL JUST BE IN THE CAR.
Haggerty: COME IN.
GENTLEMEN, MISS.
YEAH. ENOUGH WITH THE
SMALL TALK, HAGGERTY.
YEAH. WHAT'S THE DEAL
WITH DRAGGING US OUT HERE
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?
MAY I OFFER YOU SOME CIDER
AND HOMEMADE COOKIES?
WE DIDN'T COME
HERE TO EAT COOKIES.
OH, I'LL HAVE ONE.
SO, YOU GOT MY NOTE.
WE GOT ALL YOUR NOTES.
VERY WELL-WRITTEN.
THANK YOU FOR COMING.
AND THANK YOU FOR
SHUTTING OFF OUR LIGHT,
HEAT, AND HOT WATER.
HA HA. YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE
BEST COOKIE I'VE EVER TASTED.
YOU USE WALNUTS AND PECANS!
I FIND IT HELPS THE
TEXTURE OF THE COOKIE.
WAIT A MINUTE. 2
DIFFERENT KINDS OF NUTS.
DOESN'T THAT VIOLATE
YOUR STUPID UNIFORMITY CODE?
STUPID?
HEY, YOU KNOW,
JUST GAVE 'EM A RIDE.
THE UNIFORMITY CODE IS FOR
THE BENEFIT OF THE TENANTS.
WHAT POSSIBLE
BENEFIT COULD THERE BE
FROM A BAN ON WELCOME MATS?
I ONCE OWNED A BUILDING
FILLED WITH WELCOME MATS...
ASTROTURF, RUBBER,
COCONUT WEAVE.
I ENJOYED THEM ALL.
THEN ONE DAY, A SWEET OLD LADY
TRIPPED ON ONE AND
BROKE HER ANKLE.
I FELT MORALLY INCLINED
TO PAY THE HOSPITAL BILL,
BUT I HAD TO RAISE THE
RENT FOR EVERYONE.
OK, NO WELCOME MATS.
THAT MAKES SENSE.
WELL, WAIT. WHAT
ABOUT HIS SATELLITE DISH?
WHO'S GONNA TRIP OVER THAT?
ROOF OBSTRUCTIONS
VIOLATE ZONING LAWS.
I COULD'VE FILED THE PAPERWORK
AND GOTTEN YOU A WAIVER,
BUT YOU CLOWNS BUSTED RANKS.
NOW, ALL SAID AND DONE,
I SAVED YOU A $300 FINE.
300 BUCKS?
HMM. HUH.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU STILL CAN'T JUST
TURN OFF SOMEBODY'S HEAT
IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER.
YEAH. WHAT CODE IS THAT?
SOMETIMES, GENTLEMEN, THE
WAY TO DISCIPLINE THE PLATOON
IS TO HAVE THE PLATOON
DISCIPLINE ITSELF.
OK, FINE. BUT WHAT IS THE
DEAL WITH TAKING OUR WINDOWS?
I THOUGHT THAT WAS FUNNY.
YOU KILLED MY FISH.
AH, YES, KLAUS, THE
FISH THAT FETCHED.
IT IS OFTEN THE INNOCENT THAT
GET CAUGHT IN THE CROSSFIRE.
THE TRUTH IS, YOU ARE SLACKERS
WHO NEED TO TAKE
STOCK OF WHO YOU ARE
AND WHAT TYPE OF
PEOPLE YOU WANT TO BE.
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, SIR...
YOU, BERGEN, ARE
A RUDDERLESS SHIP.
EVER SINCE MARCH OF 1980, WHEN
YOU ABANDONED THE CUB SCOUTS,
YOUR LIFE HAS BEEN A
COURSELESS JOURNEY.
BUSINESS SCHOOL, LAW
SCHOOL, NOW MEDICAL SCHOOL.
10 GIRLFRIENDS IN 6 MONTHS.
SON, YOUR LIFE LACKS STRUCTURE.
HE'S NOT WRONG.
YOU JUST ABANDONED
THE CUB SCOUTS?
YOU, PRIVATE, WHEN
ARE YOU GONNA LEARN
THAT YOU ARE NOT ALWAYS RIGHT?
WHO WERE YOU IN SEVENTH
GRADE, AT THE AGE OF 12,
TO SHAKE OFF COACH
MARINO'S BUNT SIGN
AND COST THE
NATIONAL BANK TAGGERS
THE 1985 LITTLE
LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP?
SAPERSTEIN HAD NOTHING LEFT.
HE WAS THROWING MEATBALLS.
DO YOU REALLY THINK A
RESPECTABLE ARCHITECTURAL FIRM
WILL TOLERATE THE
ARROGANCE AND DISRESPECT
YOU SHOW TO BILL?
I TOTALLY AGREE.
YOU ARE A KISS-ASS
LITTLE SELLOUT
WHO DID THE DIRTY WITH THE EDITOR
OF YOUR HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK
SO THAT YOUR PICTURE WOULD
BE THE ONLY ONE IN COLOR.
[ALL GASP]
ARE YOU GUYS GONNA LET
HIM TALK TO ME LIKE THAT?
HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS STUFF?
YEAH.
THAT IS NOT THE POINT.
POINT IS, YOU'RE GONNA GET
THROUGH THIS LIFE AND HAVE WINDOWS,
YOU WILL LEARN TO
LIVE BY THE RULES.
YOU WILL REMOVE
THE SATELLITE DISH,
YOU WILL PUT IT IN
THE STORAGE ROOM,
YOU WILL REPAIR THE
LOCK ON THE DOOR,
AND YOU WILL STOP
PEEING IN THE SHOWER.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL STOP.
SOUNDS FAIR.
AND THERE'S ONE
MORE THING YOU WILL DO.
COME ON, YOU SLACKERS.
YOU HEARD HAGGERTY.
2 INCHES FROM THE CURB.
WHAT HE'S GONNA DO,
COME OUT HERE AND MEASURE?
I WONDER WHAT'S
GOTTEN INTO THEM.
[IMITATES BRANDO] ONCE
YOU'VE GONE UPRIVER,
NOTHING'S EVER THE SAME.
THE HORROR.
[PETE'S THOUGHTS]
LOOK AT ALL THESE CARS,
ALL WITH DIFFERENT
PEOPLE IN 'EM,
EACH LEADING THEIR OWN LIVES,
EACH THINKING SEPARATE THOUGHTS.
MAN.
[SHARON'S THOUGHTS] CAN ONE
FIND LOVE IN A LOVELESS WORLD?
IS THERE ANY SUCH
THING AS TRUE LOVE,
OR DO YOU JUST FIND SOMEONE
AND FIND TRUTH IN THAT LOVE?
[BERG'S THOUGHTS] ♪ THERE WAS A FARMER
HAD A DOG AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME-O ♪
READING.
YOU WANNA DO SOMETHING?
BERG, I HAVE TO STUDY.
I'M BORED.
WELL, TOUGH.
HEY, I BET YOU CAN'T LIFT
THAT GARBAGE CAN OVER YOUR HEAD.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
OF COURSE I CAN. IT'S EMPTY.
OH, THERE WAS A
TIME WHEN YOU COULD.
WHEN YOU WERE,
YOU KNOW... IN SHAPE.
BERG, I'M IN GREAT SHAPE.
OK, PETE.
NO BIG DEAL.
HEY, LOOK HOW STRONG I AM!
I HATE YOU SO MUCH.
BERG... SAY HELLO TO
THE ALPHA-STAT 100.
HELLO.
WE CAN NOW WATCH WHAT
WE WANT WHEN WE WANT
FROM ANY CORNER OF THE EARTH.
ALL CRAMMED INTO
A 12-INCH SCREEN.
YEAH.
I PERSONALLY RECONSTRUCTED IT
FROM THE ORIGINAL SCHEMATICS.
I ADDED A SIGNAL BOOSTER,
USED GOLD-PLATED CO-AX,
AND REPLACED THE
ORIGINAL ALUMINUM ALLOY
WITH A TITANIUM STEEL COATING.
ONE THING...
SHOULDN'T IT BE FACING...
AWAY FROM THE BUILDING?
OK, KLAUS BUDDY,
ALL YOU HAVE TO
DO IS GET THE BALL.
I KNOW YOU'RE A FISH, BUT
DON'T LET THAT HOLD YOU BACK.
NO PRESSURE.
JUST HAVE FUN.
FETCH, KLAUS.
THAT'S OK, BUDDY. SWIM IT OFF.
WE'LL GET 'EM NEXT TIME.
BERG, YOU'VE BEEN WORKING
WITH KLAUS FOR 9 WEEKS.
ALL YOU ARE TO HIM
IS A BIG, BIG FACE.
DID I MENTION THAT THIS CAN
SWING ME A THOUSAND-DOLLAR GRANT
FROM THE SOCIETY
OF ANIMAL RESEARCH?
DON'T JUST SWIM THERE,
YOU LAZY SACK OF SCALES.
FETCH.
ALPHA-STAT 100 FIRMLY
FASTENED TO THE ROOF.
PETE DUNVILLE...
FIRMLY FASTENED TO THE COUCH.
JUST TURN ME OVER EVERY 2 DAYS.
PETE, YOU CAN'T RUN THE
CABLE THROUGH THE HALL.
I HAD NO CHOICE. THE
WINDOWS ARE PAINTED SHUT,
AND THE NEW LANDLORD
WON'T RETURN MY PHONE CALLS.
I LEFT HIM, LIKE, 5 MESSAGES.
YEAH, WELL, HE
DOESN'T TAKE CALLS.
I HEAR YOU HAVE TO SUBMIT
EVERYTHING TO HIM IN WRITING.
WHAT'S HE LOOKING
FOR, A PEN PAL?
HE CAN PICK UP A PHONE.
LIFE!
GIVE MY TV LIFE!
KEEP IT DOWN, WILL YA?
GREAT. NOW HE'S
HIDING IN THE CASTLE.
BERG, IT'S NOT MY FAULT
YOUR FISH IS STUPID.
OH, THAT'S PRETTY
TOUGH TALK, PETE.
I'D LIKE TO SEE YA TELL HIM
THAT TO THE SIDE OF HIS FACE.
YES, YES, THE BRUINS GAME.
[HOCKEY ANNOUNCERS
SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
WHY IS THE BRUINS
GAME IN RUSSIAN?
'CAUSE IT'S BLACKED
OUT IN BOSTON,
SO I MUST BE GETTING
THE FEED FROM MOSCOW.
SO YOU'RE PRETTY MUCH
DONE WITH THE OUTSIDE WORLD?
YOU BETCHA. SCORE. BERG, HOW
DO YOU SAY "SCORE" IN RUSSIAN?
VLAST.
VLASTO!
UH, PETE, THE TV
SEEMS TO BE LEAVING.
SEE, KLAUS? THAT'S
HOW YOU FETCH.
IT TOOK ME 7 HOURS TO
HAUL AND INSTALL THAT THING,
AND NOW IT'S GONE
WITHOUT A TRACE.
I MEAN, WHO WOULD DO THIS?
OUR NEW LANDLORD.
YOU VIOLATED THE
BUILDING UNIFORMITY CODE.
WHAT?
"THE BUILDING SHALL BE
UNIFORM IN EVERY WAY.
"ALL COMMON AREAS...
HALLWAYS, STOOPS, ROOFTOPS...
SHALL REMAIN FREE OF CLUTTER..."
HE STOLE MY SATELLITE DISH.
"INCLUDING PLANTS,
WREATHS, AND WELCOME MATS.
HAVE A NICE DAY,
EDGAR J. HAGGERTY."
WHAT KIND OF GUY DOESN'T
LIKE WELCOME MATS?
GUESSIN' THE SAME GUY
WHO COULD RIP OUT A
200-POUND SATELLITE DISH
AND SCALE DOWN THE
SIDE OF A BUILDING?
MAYBE ALL THOSE STORIES I
HEARD ABOUT HAGGERTY ARE TRUE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
REMEMBER MARCO, THE
STUTTERING MIME IN 3B?
RETILED HIS BATHROOM
WITHOUT PERMISSION.
HASN'T BEEN HEARD FROM SINCE.
HE'S A MIME.
I'M NOT KIDDING.
THIS HAGGERTY GUY HAS NEVER
SHOWN HIS FACE AROUND HERE,
YET HE KNOWS
EVERYTHING THAT'S GOIN' ON.
ALL RIGHT. SO WE'RE BACK
DOWN TO 80 CHANNELS,
JUST LIKE THE AMISH.
THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA
DO? WHAT'S DONE IS DONE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN
WHAT'S DONE IS DONE?
YOU KNOW, QUE SERA, SERA.
NO USE CRYING OVER SPILLED MILK.
HAKUNA MATATA.
PICK YOUR FAVORITE.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
BERG, YOU CAN'T JUST HAKUNA
MATATA YOUR WAY THROUGH LIFE.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO
STAND UP FOR WHAT'S RIGHT.
HE'S THE LANDLORD, PETE.
IT'S HIS PLACE. HE
MAKES THE RULES.
HIS RULES ARE WRONG. THIS
IS OUR HOME. WE LIVE HERE.
HAGGERTY CAN'T JUST STEAL
OUR SATELLITE DISHES
AND OUR WELCOME MATS.
I GOT AN IDEA. LET'S
TALK ABOUT THIS INSIDE.
NO. THE BUILDING WAS FINE
BEFORE THAT GUY
CAME AROUND, RIGHT?
NOW HE'S GONNA WALK AROUND
AND DICTATE A
BUNCH OF NEW RULES?
NEXT THING YOU KNOW, WE WON'T
BE ALLOWED TO PEE IN THE SHOWER.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK.
I'M GONNA SHOW THIS
HAGGERTY WHO HE'S MESSIN' WITH.
YOU DON'T JUST PUSH
PETE DUNVILLE AROUND.
NOW, ARE YOU GUYS IN?
I'M OUT. I'LL SEE YA INSIDE.
BILL, YA HAD TO SEE IT.
AS GOD IS MY WITNESS,
3 TIMES IN A ROW
LITTLE KLAUS SWAM OVER AND
FINALLY FETCHED THE BALL BACK.
FASCINATING. NOW
SHOVEL THE DAMN SIDEWALK.
IT'S STILL SNOWING.
LAST TIME I SAW A
SNOWSTORM THIS BAD,
I WAS TRAVELING
IN SOUTH AMERICA.
WE JUST FINISHED A
SOCCER MATCH IN BOLIVIA,
HEADED HOME TO CHILE.
BAUER... PLANE
CRASHED IN THE ANDES.
WE WERE STRANDED FOR
WEEKS WITHOUT FOOD.
BAUER...
WE WERE FORCED TO
EAT THE GOALTENDER.
HE WAS A RUGGED NET
MINDER, BUT A DELICATE MEAL.
UH, PLEASE COME AGAIN
AND BE CAREFUL ON THE SIDEWALK.
IT'S SLIPPERY.
WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO
DO? IT WAS JOSé OR STARVE.
IT'S NOT A MOMENT I'M
PARTICULARLY PROUD OF.
AND OF COURSE, NUTRITIONALLY,
THERE'S NOT MUCH
TO BE SAID FOR IT.
WELL, LOOK WHO DECIDED
TO SHOW UP FOR WORK.
I'M SORRY, BILL, BUT I'M IN
THE MIDST OF A REVOLUTION.
REALLY? YEAH.
SHOVEL THE DAMN SIDEWALK.
HEY. I JUST LEFT
HAGGERTY A LITTLE MESSAGE
TO SHOW HIM WHAT I FEEL
ABOUT HIS UNIFORMITY CODE.
WHAT DOES THIS SAY TO YOU?
WELCOME?
NO. IT SAYS FREEDOM.
I HOPE YOU KEPT YOUR RECEIPT
BECAUSE I'M PRETTY
SURE IT SAYS WELCOME.
I LEFT A WELCOME MAT IN FRONT OF
EVERY DOOR IN OUR ENTIRE BUILDING.
HE WANTS
UNIFORMITY, HE'S GOT IT.
AND TO SHOW HIM I REALLY
MEAN BUSINESS... HA HA! A WREATH!
YEAH, YOU DON'T WANNA MESS
WITH A MAN WHO CARRIES A WREATH.
HMM. NOW WE'LL SEE HOW FAST
HAGGERTY GETS BACK TO ME.
OK, IT HAS STOPPED SNOWING.
WHO'S GONNA SHOVEL THE SIDEWALK?
ME! ME! I GET TO.
NO, I GET TO DO IT.
YOU DID IT LAST
TIME. NO, YOU DID.
THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO
SETTLE THIS THING FAIRLY.
NEITHER OF US GETS
TO SHOVEL THE WALK.
AW, NUTS.
ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN
EITHER SHOVEL THE WALK,
OR YOU CAN DIG YOUR OWN GRAVES.
I'LL JUST LEAVE THIS HERE.
SHARON, I SEE YOU
HAVE A FREEDOM MAT.
OW.
YOU AND YOUR
STUPID WELCOME MATS.
THIS NOTE WAS TAPED TO
THE WALL BY THE MAILBOXES.
"ATTENTION... UNTIL
THE TENANT IN 1A
"PERSONALLY CORRECTS HIS
VIOLATION OF THE UNIFORMITY CODE,
"THE HEAT SHALL REMAIN
OFF IN THE ENTIRE BUILDING.
HAVE A NICE DAY,
EDGAR J. HAGGERTY."
FREEDOM!
MAN, WHEN THE PEOPLE IN
OUR BUILDING COME HOME...
IF I WERE YOU, I'D PICK
UP THOSE MATS RIGHT NOW
AND GET RID OF THOSE
BUTT-UGLY WREATHS.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST PICK THEM UP?
WHAT, AND GET ON
HAGGERTY'S BAD SIDE?
UH-UH. FORGET IT.
[WHISPERING] He knows all.
[WHISPERING] He knows all, huh?
ASK HIM WHY I'M
SLICING MY 3-IRON.
FINE. FINE. I'LL
DO IT AFTER WORK,
BUT HAGGERTY HAS NOT
HEARD THE LAST OF ME.
[CLEARS THROAT]
BILL, WHAT? I WAS JUST OUT
THERE. IT'S NOT ICY AT ALL.
OH, YEAH?
I CAN'T WAIT.
KLAUS IS GONNA LIGHT UP
WHEN HE SEES HIS NEW MERMAID.
OK, THIS IS THE LAST ONE.
[HEAT GOES ON]
WAS THAT THE HEAT?
MAYBE HE DOES KNOW ALL.
OHH.
WELL, LOOKS LIKE HAGGERTY
FINALLY GOT OUR WINDOWS UNSTUCK.
WE SHOULD GET HIM
A LITTLE SOMETHING.
HE TOOK OUR WINDOWS.
BERG, THE MAN... HE CAME IN
HERE, AND HE TOOK OUR WINDOWS.
"HAPPY TO SERVICE YOUR NEEDS.
"HAVE A NICE DAY...
EDGAR J. HAGGERTY."
[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]
IT'S 2 DEGREES, AND
HE TOOK OUR WINDOWS.
YA MENTIONED THAT.
I SUPPOSE YOU'RE GONNA LET
THIS JUST ROLL OFF YOUR BACK.
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT?
WHAT IS IT?
KLAUS?
Berg: KLAUS!
[LAUGHING]
PETE, ONE MORE TIME.
BILL, IT'S REALLY
NOT THAT FUNNY.
AW, COME ON.
YOU WALKED INTO THE APARTMENT,
SNOW'S COVERING
THE WHOLE PLACE...
BERG WIPED OFF THE GLASS,
AND KLAUS WAS LIKE... [LAUGHING]
THAT CRACKS ME UP.
DO IT AGAIN.
BILL, I'M NOT DOIN' IT AGAIN.
THEN SHOVEL THE SIDEWALK.
BERG TOOK THIS REALLY HARD.
HE LOOKED AT ME,
AND HE STORMED OUT,
AND I HAVEN'T HEARD
FROM HIM SINCE,
AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT.
CALL ME IF YOU
SEE HIM. ANYTHING?
NOTHING. BERNIE,
FITZ, THE UNIVERSITY.
NOBODY'S SEEN HIM.
DID YOU TRY TOPLESS,
TOPLESS, TOPLESS?
AMBER SAID HE WASN'T THERE.
TA-DA! HEY, DID YOU GET HIM?
YEAH. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
DOES HE LOOK LIKE KLAUS?
AHH, I THINK. WHERE
DID YOU GET HIM?
DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE
HIM? IT'S HAROLD.
FROM MY KINDERGARTEN CLASS.
OH, HAROLD.
YEAH. I TOLD MY KIDS
HE WAS VISITING
FAMILY AT SEA WORLD.
I DON'T THINK ANY FISH
IS GONNA REPLACE KLAUS.
OH, HONEY, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
ACTUALLY, IT'S ALL HIS FAULT.
I KNOW. I WAS JUST TRYING
TO MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER.
OH, LOOK, SHARON'S RIGHT.
I MEAN, BERG'S OUT
THERE, SOMEWHERE,
LOST, ALL BY HIMSELF,
WANDERING AROUND
IN THE FREEZING COLD.
DID YOU TRY TOPLESS,
TOPLESS, TOPLESS?
LOOK, I'M SURE HE'S FINE.
I WOULDN'T BE SO SURE.
I ONCE TOOK A JOB AS
A WINTER CARETAKER
IN AN OLD HOTEL IN THE
MOUNTAINS OF COLORADO.
I THOUGHT I COULD
WORK ON MY NOVEL,
SPEND SOME QUALITY
TIME WITH MY FAMILY.
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY
MADE JACK A DULL BOY.
YES, THE COLD CAN DO
STRANGE THINGS TO A MAN'S MIND.
BERG, THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
PETE, SHOW HIM THE FACE.
BERG, I'M REALLY
SORRY ABOUT KLAUS.
LOOK. LOOK, LOOK,
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
I KNOW IT'S NOT KLAUS,
BUT I SEE POTENTIAL.
YOU WERE RIGHT. I'M SORRY, BERG.
LOOK. I ASKED FOR OUR
WINDOWS BACK IN WRITING.
HAKUNA MATATA?
NO, PETE.
YOU WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG.
BERG, COME ON, HONEY, LET'S
GET YOU OVER BY THE OVEN
AND THAW OUT YOUR BRAIN.
NO!
PETE DIDN'T KILL
KLAUS. HAGGERTY DID.
HE STOLE OUR WINDOWS.
THAT IS AN ACT OF AGGRESSION.
THAT IS AN ACT OF WAR.
WELL, IF HE WANTS
A WAR, HE'S GOT ONE.
WHO'S WITH ME?
I'M WITH YA.
I'M STILL OUT.
ALL RIGHT, ALMOST DONE.
[CHUCKLES]
OH, HEY, SHARON.
DID YOU GET OUR MESSAGE?
Both: YEAH.
OH, GOOD. HAGGERTY
GAVE YOU YOUR DISH BACK.
[LAUGHING]
LET'S JUST SAY WE FOUND IT.
MMM. LOCKED IN HIS STORAGE ROOM.
YOU GUYS. 3B, REMEMBER?
RETILED HIS BATHROOM,
THEN BYE-BYE.
THIS GUY'S ALL
SMOKE AND MIRRORS,
LIKE THE WIZARD OF OZ.
YEAH, AND WE ARE JUST THE GUYS
TO PULL BACK THE CURTAIN.
HEY, WHAT'S ALL THIS STUFF?
PRISONERS OF THE
UNIFORMITY CODE.
UH, MY FICUS.
SEE?
DONE.
NOW LET'S GO GLUE DOWN
SOME WELCOME MATS.
KLAUS WOULD'VE
WANTED IT THAT WAY.
OH, NO.
NEED A NEW BULB.
WELL, BETTER PUT IT IN WRITING.
HAVE A NICE DAY,
EDGAR J. HAGGERTY.
UH, GUYS, I THINK YOU BETTER
TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT'S IN THIS FILE.
"THIRD-GENERATION WEST POINT,
TOP OF HIS CLASS, FOUGHT
IN 3 WARS, GREEN BERET, CIA"?
OH, MAN.
YOU GUYS ARE SO 3B.
THEY'RE UP HERE.
WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE
PROBLEM, MRS. HIMMELFARB?
YOU! HAGGERTY LEFT THIS NOTE.
HE SAYS WE DON'T GET
OUR ELECTRICITY BACK
UNTIL YOU GO MEET WITH HIM.
WELL, DON'T YA SEE? HE'S CRAZY.
TODAY CAN BE OUR
INDEPENDENCE DAY.
IF WE ALL BAND TOGETHER,
WE CAN BEAT HIM.
WELL, WE'RE GOING
TO BAND TOGETHER,
AND WE'RE GONNA BEAT YOU.
All: YEAH!
IS THERE AN
ADDRESS IN THAT FILE?
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M TAKING
YOU GUYS TO SEE HAGGERTY.
JUST DRIVE.
[PETE'S THOUGHTS] HAGGERTY
WAS CLOSE, REAL CLOSE.
I COULDN'T SEE HIM YET,
BUT I COULD FEEL HIM.
IT'S AS IF THE CAR WAS BEING
SUCKED UP BY THE HIGHWAY,
AND THE PAVEMENT WAS
FLOWING BACK INTO THE WOODS.
PART OF ME WAS AFRAID OF WHAT
I WOULD FIND WHEN I GOT THERE.
THE THING I FELT MOST,
STRONGER THAN FEAR,
WAS THE DESIRE TO CONFRONT HIM.
I CAN'T BELIEVE SHARON
JUST DROVE BY THAT SPACE.
NOW, JUST REMEMBER...
WE'RE IN THE RIGHT.
DEATH TO THE UNIFORMITY CODE.
AND WE STAND TOGETHER.
AND I'LL JUST BE IN THE CAR.
Haggerty: COME IN.
GENTLEMEN, MISS.
YEAH. ENOUGH WITH THE
SMALL TALK, HAGGERTY.
YEAH. WHAT'S THE DEAL
WITH DRAGGING US OUT HERE
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?
MAY I OFFER YOU SOME CIDER
AND HOMEMADE COOKIES?
WE DIDN'T COME
HERE TO EAT COOKIES.
OH, I'LL HAVE ONE.
SO, YOU GOT MY NOTE.
WE GOT ALL YOUR NOTES.
VERY WELL-WRITTEN.
THANK YOU FOR COMING.
AND THANK YOU FOR
SHUTTING OFF OUR LIGHT,
HEAT, AND HOT WATER.
HA HA. YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE
BEST COOKIE I'VE EVER TASTED.
YOU USE WALNUTS AND PECANS!
I FIND IT HELPS THE
TEXTURE OF THE COOKIE.
WAIT A MINUTE. 2
DIFFERENT KINDS OF NUTS.
DOESN'T THAT VIOLATE
YOUR STUPID UNIFORMITY CODE?
STUPID?
HEY, YOU KNOW,
JUST GAVE 'EM A RIDE.
THE UNIFORMITY CODE IS FOR
THE BENEFIT OF THE TENANTS.
WHAT POSSIBLE
BENEFIT COULD THERE BE
FROM A BAN ON WELCOME MATS?
I ONCE OWNED A BUILDING
FILLED WITH WELCOME MATS...
ASTROTURF, RUBBER,
COCONUT WEAVE.
I ENJOYED THEM ALL.
THEN ONE DAY, A SWEET OLD LADY
TRIPPED ON ONE AND
BROKE HER ANKLE.
I FELT MORALLY INCLINED
TO PAY THE HOSPITAL BILL,
BUT I HAD TO RAISE THE
RENT FOR EVERYONE.
OK, NO WELCOME MATS.
THAT MAKES SENSE.
WELL, WAIT. WHAT
ABOUT HIS SATELLITE DISH?
WHO'S GONNA TRIP OVER THAT?
ROOF OBSTRUCTIONS
VIOLATE ZONING LAWS.
I COULD'VE FILED THE PAPERWORK
AND GOTTEN YOU A WAIVER,
BUT YOU CLOWNS BUSTED RANKS.
NOW, ALL SAID AND DONE,
I SAVED YOU A $300 FINE.
300 BUCKS?
HMM. HUH.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU STILL CAN'T JUST
TURN OFF SOMEBODY'S HEAT
IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER.
YEAH. WHAT CODE IS THAT?
SOMETIMES, GENTLEMEN, THE
WAY TO DISCIPLINE THE PLATOON
IS TO HAVE THE PLATOON
DISCIPLINE ITSELF.
OK, FINE. BUT WHAT IS THE
DEAL WITH TAKING OUR WINDOWS?
I THOUGHT THAT WAS FUNNY.
YOU KILLED MY FISH.
AH, YES, KLAUS, THE
FISH THAT FETCHED.
IT IS OFTEN THE INNOCENT THAT
GET CAUGHT IN THE CROSSFIRE.
THE TRUTH IS, YOU ARE SLACKERS
WHO NEED TO TAKE
STOCK OF WHO YOU ARE
AND WHAT TYPE OF
PEOPLE YOU WANT TO BE.
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, SIR...
YOU, BERGEN, ARE
A RUDDERLESS SHIP.
EVER SINCE MARCH OF 1980, WHEN
YOU ABANDONED THE CUB SCOUTS,
YOUR LIFE HAS BEEN A
COURSELESS JOURNEY.
BUSINESS SCHOOL, LAW
SCHOOL, NOW MEDICAL SCHOOL.
10 GIRLFRIENDS IN 6 MONTHS.
SON, YOUR LIFE LACKS STRUCTURE.
HE'S NOT WRONG.
YOU JUST ABANDONED
THE CUB SCOUTS?
YOU, PRIVATE, WHEN
ARE YOU GONNA LEARN
THAT YOU ARE NOT ALWAYS RIGHT?
WHO WERE YOU IN SEVENTH
GRADE, AT THE AGE OF 12,
TO SHAKE OFF COACH
MARINO'S BUNT SIGN
AND COST THE
NATIONAL BANK TAGGERS
THE 1985 LITTLE
LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP?
SAPERSTEIN HAD NOTHING LEFT.
HE WAS THROWING MEATBALLS.
DO YOU REALLY THINK A
RESPECTABLE ARCHITECTURAL FIRM
WILL TOLERATE THE
ARROGANCE AND DISRESPECT
YOU SHOW TO BILL?
I TOTALLY AGREE.
YOU ARE A KISS-ASS
LITTLE SELLOUT
WHO DID THE DIRTY WITH THE EDITOR
OF YOUR HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK
SO THAT YOUR PICTURE WOULD
BE THE ONLY ONE IN COLOR.
[ALL GASP]
ARE YOU GUYS GONNA LET
HIM TALK TO ME LIKE THAT?
HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS STUFF?
YEAH.
THAT IS NOT THE POINT.
POINT IS, YOU'RE GONNA GET
THROUGH THIS LIFE AND HAVE WINDOWS,
YOU WILL LEARN TO
LIVE BY THE RULES.
YOU WILL REMOVE
THE SATELLITE DISH,
YOU WILL PUT IT IN
THE STORAGE ROOM,
YOU WILL REPAIR THE
LOCK ON THE DOOR,
AND YOU WILL STOP
PEEING IN THE SHOWER.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL STOP.
SOUNDS FAIR.
AND THERE'S ONE
MORE THING YOU WILL DO.
COME ON, YOU SLACKERS.
YOU HEARD HAGGERTY.
2 INCHES FROM THE CURB.
WHAT HE'S GONNA DO,
COME OUT HERE AND MEASURE?
I WONDER WHAT'S
GOTTEN INTO THEM.
[IMITATES BRANDO] ONCE
YOU'VE GONE UPRIVER,
NOTHING'S EVER THE SAME.
THE HORROR.
[PETE'S THOUGHTS]
LOOK AT ALL THESE CARS,
ALL WITH DIFFERENT
PEOPLE IN 'EM,
EACH LEADING THEIR OWN LIVES,
EACH THINKING SEPARATE THOUGHTS.
MAN.
[SHARON'S THOUGHTS] CAN ONE
FIND LOVE IN A LOVELESS WORLD?
IS THERE ANY SUCH
THING AS TRUE LOVE,
OR DO YOU JUST FIND SOMEONE
AND FIND TRUTH IN THAT LOVE?
[BERG'S THOUGHTS] ♪ THERE WAS A FARMER
HAD A DOG AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME-O ♪