Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 2, Episode 13 - Two Guys, a Girl and a Gamble - full transcript
Sharon wants to ask Johnny to move in with her but is having trouble making the commitment. She finally manages to ask him but there is the problem of tidiness. Johnny seems to be a very tidy person and Sharon is the opposite. The pressure is on Sharon to keep the place tidy. However, it turns out that they are both slobs and all is well. Pete volunteers to look after Kaitlin's son, Michael, after school and help him with his maths. He is unexpectedly called away and leaves Berg to look after him and he takes him to the dog track. It turns out okay as he applies the maths he learnt at the track on his maths test.
SURE YOU DON'T MIND
WATCHING HIM AT YOUR PLACE?
NAH, NAH, NAH. IT'S
GONNA BE GREAT.
HONEY, YOU'RE COOL
COMING HERE AFTER SCHOOL?
SURE. PETE'S A HOOT.
CHECK ME OUT. I'M A HOOT.
IT'LL JUST BE THIS WEEK.
THE STATION IS SHORT
ON TRAFFIC REPORTERS.
HE'S GONNA BE FINE.
OH, SOMETIMES HE
GETS A LITTLE ANXIOUS
WHEN HE DOESN'T HAVE HIS THINGS.
RELAX. HE'S GONNA BE FINE.
IT'S JUST THAT, YOU KNOW,
BOYS NEED THEIR TOYS.
[AS DARTH VADER] MICHAEL...
COME TO THE DARK
SIDE OF THE FORCE.
HE'LL BE FINE.
HEY!
THERE SHE IS.
I NEED A LARGE PIZZA, DOUBLE
PEPPERONI, EXTRA SAUSAGE.
OH, I SEE YOU'RE ORDERING
OUR BIG FAT GIRL'S SPECIAL.
I'M SHARING IT WITH JOHNNY.
YEAH? WHERE IS HE?
OH, HE'S OUT APARTMENT HUNTING.
STILL NO LUCK?
NO. IN FACT...
I'M THINKING OF ASKING
HIM TO MOVE IN WITH ME
UNTIL HE FINDS A PLACE.
BUT I DON'T KNOW. I'M... I'M
REALLY NERVOUS ABOUT IT.
YOU SHOULD BE.
IT'S A BIG MISTAKE.
NO, A BIG MISTAKE IS
YOUR LAST HAIRCUT.
YOU AND JOHNNY
ARE GREAT TOGETHER.
THEN WHY SPOIL IT?
WHAT HAPPENS IF
THEY'RE INCOMPATIBLE?
WE'VE BEEN GOING
OUT FOR 2 MONTHS.
WE KNOWN EACH OTHER PRETTY WELL.
DOES HE KNOW YOU'RE A SLOB?
I AM NOT A SLOB.
REALLY? WHERE DID YOU FIND
YOUR SHOES THIS MORNING?
IN THE CLOSET.
AND THE OTHER ONE?
IN THE PLANTER.
SO I TIDY UP A BIT BEFORE
JOHNNY COMES OVER.
YEAH, YEAH, AND SHOO
AWAY THE SEA GULLS
THAT HOVER OVER YOUR KITCHEN.
YOU'RE RIGHT. BAD IDEA.
NO, NO, NO. DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.
JOHNNY REALLY LOVES YOU.
HE'LL LEARN TO
LIVE IN A LANDFILL.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I MEAN, HE'S GOING TO
FIND OUT EVENTUALLY.
YEAH. BUT IF HE
FINDS OUT TOO SOON,
IT COULD WRECK EVERYTHING.
WELL, THAT'S A CHANCE
I'M WILLING TO TAKE.
WELL, I'M NOT.
TOUGH.
OH, OH, YEAH. LIKE THIS
IS ALL YOUR DECISION?
MY OPINION DOESN'T COUNT?
GUYS, COULD YOU JUST...
NO, NO, NO. NOT NOW. NOT NOW.
OBVIOUSLY YOU DON'T FEEL
THE SAME ABOUT JOHNNY AS I DO.
HEY, I LOVE JOHNNY.
WELL, I LOVE JOHNNY, TOO.
GUYS, I DON'T KNOW HOW
TO BREAK THIS TO YOU,
BUT I'M ALREADY
IN A RELATIONSHIP.
HEY, HONEY.
HEY, BABY.
DID YOU FIND ANYTHING?
NO. YOU KNOW, IT'S
BRUTAL OUT THERE.
YOU KNOW, JOHNNY, IF
YOU NEED TO... WHAT?
NOTHING.
WELL, ANYWAY, I'M JUST
GONNA CRASH AT MY SISTER'S
UNTIL I FIND A PLACE.
YOU KNOW, YOU
COULD ALWAYS... WHAT?
NOTHING.
IT'S NOT GOING TO BE THAT BAD.
YOU KNOW, IT'S
ONLY AN HOUR AWAY.
OK, LOOK.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST... WHAT?
SEA GULLS.
NOTHING.
WELL, LISTEN, I JUST
CAME BY TO TELL YOU
I CAN'T STAY FOR LUNCH.
I'VE GOT TO LOAD UP THE TRUCK
AND THEN GET TO MY
SISTER'S BEFORE RUSH HOUR.
SEE YA.
BYE.
UH, JOHN, JOHNNY, WAIT.
WHAT?
NOTHING.
NOW, LOOK. IF THERE'S
9 PEOPLE IN A ROOM
AND THERE'S 3 APPLES,
WHAT IS THE RATIO
OF PEOPLE TO APPLES?
I DON'T KNOW.
THE ANSWERS ARE USUALLY
IN THE BACK OF THE BOOK.
WE DON'T NEED TO LOOK
IN THE BACK OF THE BOOK,
BECAUSE YOU CAN GET
THIS. YOU CAN GET THIS.
YOU HAVE 9 PLAYERS ON THIS SIDE
AND 3 PLAYERS ON THIS SIDE,
SO THE RATIO IS... 9 TO 3.
RIGHT! WHICH IS... UM...
STOP LOOKING AT ME. IT'S 9 TO 3.
3 TO 1.
THAT'S VERY GOOD,
BERG. THAT'S VERY GOOD.
TONIGHT YOU GET
AN EXTRA HOUR OF TV.
COULD YOU TAKE THE TEST FOR ME?
SURE. IF YOU COULD EXPLAIN TO ME
THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN
THE CECUM, COLON, AND RECTUM.
BERG SAID RECTUM.
YES, HE DOES THAT.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
LOOK, BERG'S NOT GONNA TAKE
YOUR TEST FOR YOU, SO JUST FOCUS.
HELLO. HEY, MOM. YEAH, I'M FINE.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
MICHAEL, SIT DOWN.
YOU'VE GOT 10 MORE
PROBLEMS. COME ON.
WHAT?
NO, NO, I CAN'T HELP AUNT
EMILY MOVE HER COUCH.
WELL, HOW DID SHE GET
PINNED UP AGAINST THE WALL?
WHAT? NO, I HAVE CAITLIN'S SON.
I... I CAN WATCH HIM.
YEAH, I'LL HAVE
SHARON WATCH HIM.
YEAH, ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT. BYE.
ALL RIGHT, ASK HER.
BUT NOW YOU RUN THE RISK OF
FINDING MICHAEL STUFFED IN THE PLANTER.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. BUT
HE'S A KID, HE'S NOT A DOG,
SO IF YOU DON'T FEED
HIM, HE CAN TELL ME.
FINE. OK, GO. GO.
ALL RIGHT. BUT LISTEN.
HE HAS TO FINISH HIS RATIOS.
IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT.
YES. ALL RIGHT.
AND CAITLIN'S CELL PHONE
NUMBER'S ON THE REFRIGERATOR.
AND IF YOU HAVE AN
EMERGENCY, IT'S 911.
AND, UH... POISON CONTROL...
PETE, ALL THOSE NUMBERS ARE
BUSY BECAUSE AUNT EMILY'S DYING.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. MICHAEL?
I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'M GONNA SAY THIS.
OBEY BERG.
[DOOR CLOSES]
ALL RIGHT. WHERE WERE WE?
YEP.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
BUT I'M SUPPOSED TO STUDY.
SOMETIMES THE BEST
WAY TO LEARN SOMETHING
IS TO WALK AWAY FROM IT.
TAKE A BREAK.
SO... SO YOU CAN LOOK
AT IT FROM A FRESH ANGLE.
I DON'T KNOW. THIS TEST
IS PRETTY IMPORTANT.
PRETTY IMPORTANT?
WHAT GRADE ARE YOU IN?
FIFTH.
FIFTH... FIFTH... FIFTH...
FIFTH GRADE DOESN'T COUNT!
8, 9, 10, THOSE ARE THE
IMPORTANT ONES. LET'S GO.
OH.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
AAH!
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Johnny: SHARON? YOU IN THERE?
YEAH, JUST A SECOND, HONEY.
COME ON, COME ON.
HI.
HEY. COME ON IN.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
OH, I WAS JUST READING.
BUT YOU'RE SWEATING.
DANIELLE STEEL. WHOO!
UH, CAN I GET YOU
SOMETHING TO DRINK?
YEAH, I'D LOVE SOMETHING.
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT IS SO NICE TO COME HERE AFTER LOOKING
AT THE DUMPS PEOPLE CALL APARTMENTS.
DO YOU KNOW THAT "ARTIST'S
RETREAT" ACTUALLY MEANS
NO INDOOR PLUMBING?
AND "PRIME LOCATION" MEANS ACROSS
THE STREET FROM A CRACK HOUSE.
SO YOU LIKE BEING HERE?
OH, DEFINITELY.
I'M REALLY HAPPY YOU
SAID THAT, BECAUSE...
WHAT?
NOTHING.
HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU FINISH
YOUR SENTENCES ANYMORE?
WELL, I JUST THINK THAT...
THAT I SHOULD MOVE IN
HERE UNTIL I FIND A PLACE?
YES, THANK YOU!
YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
YES, YES, YES,
YES. IT'LL BE FUN.
IT'LL BE JUST LIKE PLAYING
HOUSE WHEN WE WERE KIDS.
BUT INSTEAD OF
MAKING IMAGINARY PIES,
WE'LL HAVE SEX.
AND INSTEAD OF
DRESSING UP DOLLS,
WE'LL HAVE MORE SEX.
OH, GREAT. YOU KNOW, I'LL
BRING MY STUFF IN TOMORROW.
SO WE'RE REALLY GONNA DO THIS?
WELL, WHY SHOULDN'T WE?
YOU KNOW, PERFECT APARTMENT.
PERFECT GIRL.
THERE'S ONE LITTLE
THING I NEED TO TELL YOU
BEFORE YOU MOVE IN.
OK.
YOU KNOW HOW I KEEP
THIS PLACE REALLY CLEAN...
OH, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO TELL ME TO BE TIDY.
NO, THAT'S THE WAY I WAS RAISED.
REALLY?
OH, MY MOM ALWAYS MADE SURE
THAT THE PLACE WAS SPOTLESS.
YEAH, THE WAY YOU KEEP YOUR
APARTMENT MAKES ME FEEL RIGHT AT HOME.
OH.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
THAT'S ME, MRS. CLEAN.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
WE WENT ON A... FIELD TRIP.
WELL, WELL, I WAS WORRIED SICK.
WHY DIDN'T YOU LEAVE A NOTE?
WE WERE EXPLORING THE
FASCINATING WORLD OF RATIOS.
HIT IT, MICHAEL.
DID YOU KNOW THAT 5 TO
2 IS ACTUALLY 2 1/2 TO ONE?
WOW! WOW, THAT'S
REALLY GOOD, MIKE.
AND USUALLY IT'S THE FAVORITE.
BUT IF YOU BOX YOUR
BET WITH A LONG SHOT,
YOU CAN REALLY MAKE SOME CASH.
WHERE DID YOU TAKE HIM?
THE DOG TRACK.
YOU TOOK HIM TO THE DOG TRACK?!
YEAH. THE OFF-TRACK
BETTING'S NO PLACE FOR KIDS.
MICHAEL.
GO GET READY FOR
HOCKEY PRACTICE.
I NEED TO TALK TO BERG.
BOY. THAT'S NEVER
GOOD NEWS IN MY HOUSE.
ME, NEITHER.
YOU TOOK HIM TO THE DOG TRACK?
BERG, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST TAKE HIM TO THE BAR
AND TEACH HIM HOW
TO MIX MARTINIS?
YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW, 4 PARTS
GIN TO ONE PART VERMOUTH.
OH, SURE, IF YOU WANT
A REALLY WET MARTINI.
I'M NOT KIDDING.
HE'S NEVER GOING TO LEARN
STARING AT THAT BOOK ALL DAY.
I USED TO BE LIKE THAT.
HE NEEDED A MORE
CREATIVE APPROACH.
YOU'RE SAYING I'M NOT CREATIVE?
NO, I'M NOT SAYING THAT.
I'M JUST SAYING THAT THE
KID, HE USES HIS LEFT BRAIN.
YOU KNOW, LIKE ME.
HE'S NOT LIKE YOU. HE
USES HIS FULL BRAIN.
YOU'RE JEALOUS.
YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS
BECAUSE MICHAEL HAD
A LITTLE FUN WITH ME.
THAT'S YOU. FUN, FUN, FUN.
YOU'RE GOING TO BE
EVERYBODY'S FAVORITE
UNCLE "LET'S RUN WITH SCISSORS."
AND YOU ARE GOING TO BE EVERYONE'S
FAVORITE UNCLE "HEY, GRAB YOUR ABACUS.
WE'RE GOING TO THE MATH FAIR."
MAYBE I WON'T BE A FUN UNCLE,
BUT I'LL BE A GOOD FATHER.
WHAT THE HELL'S THAT
SUPPOSED TO MEAN, HUH?
I DON'T KNOW.
WHY DON'T YOU TAP INTO
THE LEFT SIDE OF YOUR BRAIN
AND FIGURE IT OUT.
YEAH? YOU KNOW, I'D
RATHER BE A LOUSY FATHER
THAN A WHINY, UPTIGHT ONE
WITH A GOLF CLUB
LODGED UP HIS BUTT!
PETE?
BERG?
WHO'S TAKING ME
TO HOCKEY PRACTICE?
HEY.
HELLO. HELLO.
WHAT'S WRONG, SHAR?
YOU LOOK STRESSED.
IT'S NOT WORKING OUT
WITH JOHNNY OR DID...
PETE TRY TO TEACH YOU MATH?
YOU KNOW, SHAR, YOU SHOULD
LOOSEN UP. ABDUCT A KID.
IT WORKED FOR BERG.
I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH
MORE OF THIS I CAN TAKE.
WASHING EVERY
DISH, DOING LAUNDRY,
CLEANING UP
CONSTANTLY AFTER MYSELF.
I MEAN, WHO LIVES LIKE THAT?
WHAT'S WITH ALL THE LINENS?
AH AH AH. JOHNNY'S USED TO FRESH
SHEETS AND TOWELS EVERY DAY.
WHY? DID HE GROW UP IN A HYATT?
WHEN'S HE GOING TO
FIND AN APARTMENT?
THAT'S THE THING.
HE STOPPED LOOKING.
HE LIKES MY PLACE.
IT REMINDS HIM OF HIS
STUPID CLEAN MOTHER.
STOP LIVING A LIE.
HE HAS TO LOVE YOU
FOR WHO YOU ARE.
YEAH, BUT THEN I MIGHT...
NO, NO, NO, SHARON.
IT'S TIME TO COME OUT
OF THE SLOPPY CLOSET.
THEN YOU CAN MARCH IN
THE SLOPPY PRIDE PARADE.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
BEACON STREET PIZZA.
YEAH, THIS IS PETE DUNVILLE.
WELL, I'M MORE LIKE MICHAEL'S
AFTER-SCHOOL BABY-SITTER.
OF COURSE. I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN.
ALL RIGHT. BYE.
WHAT IS IT?
IT'S MICHAEL'S PRINCIPAL.
HE GOT CAUGHT
CHEATING ON A MATH TEST.
PROBABLY 'CAUSE HE DIDN'T STUDY.
OH, MAN, LOOK, I'M
COMIN' WITH YOU.
NO, BERG, LOOK. YOU'VE
DONE ENOUGH, ALL RIGHT.
SO JUST STAY HERE AND
WATCH THE PIZZA PLACE.
AND TRY NOT TO
TAKE IT TO THE TRACK.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HELLO?
HI, SIS, HOW ARE YOU?
WELL, YOU KNOW
HOW YOU ALWAYS SAID
I'D WIND UP WITH A
GIRL JUST LIKE MOM?
I DID.
OH, IT'S TERRIBLE.
OH, SHE'S A NEAT FREAK.
YOU REMEMBER HOW WE
CAN'T STAND ON THE CARPETS
BECAUSE MOM NEEDS THEM FLUFFY?
SAME THING.
UH, JUST DO WHAT
DAD DOES, I GUESS.
YOU KNOW, PRETEND TO BE CLEAN,
GO BOWLING 6 NIGHTS A WEEK.
[HORN HONKS]
Sharon: LADY, IF YOU DON'T MOVE
THAT WALKER OUT OF THE WAY,
I'LL MOVE IT FOR YOU!
SHARON'S HOME EARLY. I
GOTTA GO. CALL YOU BACK.
RECYCLE!
[KEYS JINGLE]
[DOOR OPENS]
HEY, HONEY. YOU'RE HOME EARLY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
READING.
THAT DANIELLE STEEL.
HOW WAS WORK?
UH, NEVER ENDS.
AH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE TENSE.
NO, IT'S JUST THAT...
OK. OK. MAYBE A LITTLE TENSE.
OHH, IS THAT A BEER?
OH, MAN! NO COASTER.
OH, YES, RIGHT. NO COASTER.
WE WOULDN'T WANT
TO LEAVE A RING.
NO, WE WOULDN'T.
HERE. LET ME HELP YOU WITH THAT.
I CAN HANDLE IT. OH!
DAMN IT!
DON'T WORRY. IT'LL CLEAN.
GET A TOWEL.
YOU DON'T WANT TO USE A
DIRTY TOWEL ON THE CARPET.
I HAVE A NEW ONE.
OH, DON'T USE THOSE.
YOU'LL RUIN THEM.
YOU'RE RUBBING IN THE STAIN.
WELL, YOU'RE
FLATTENING THE CARPET.
THE STAIN!
THE FLUFF.
YOU KNOW, I CAN'T
DO THIS ANYMORE!
YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!
ME?
TRY LIVING WITH YOU.
I AM SORRY. THERE ARE
ONLY SO MANY HOURS IN A DAY
I CAN SANITIZE FOR
YOUR PROTECTION.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK YOU HAVE A PROBLEM,
AND I THINK YOU NEED SOME HELP.
WELL, I AM SORRY IF I CAN'T KEEP THIS
PLACE AS CLEAN AS YOUR MOTHER DOES.
NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND
COULD KEEP THEIR PLACE AS CLEAN...
WHAT?
I CAN'T STAND THIS.
THIS PLACE IS MORE STERILE
THAN A HOSPITAL ROOM.
I NEED... I NEED FILTH!
WHAT?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE A NEAT FREAK.
YOU ARE THE ONE WHO WANTED
THIS PLACE LIKE YOUR MOM'S.
SHARON, I HATED
LIVING AT MY MOM'S.
THE SMELL OF LYSOL...
IT GIVES ME FLASHBACKS.
LOOK AT MY SHIRT. I-I'M A SLOB.
YOU'RE A SLOB?
UH, A BIG SLOB.
I'M A PIG!
YOU'RE A PIG?
PIG, PIG, PIG.
YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL PIG.
OH, GOD. I THOUGHT I WAS
GOING TO HAVE TO START BOWLING.
[MUFFLED] SO WE DON'T
HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS?
WHAT?
SO WE DON'T HAVE
TO LIVE LIKE THIS?
NO MORE COASTERS.
OK, OK. YOU KNOW WHAT'S
REALLY BEEN BUGGING ME?
THAT IS JUST WRONG.
WE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT
KEEPING THE CARPETS FLUFFY.
HELL, NO!
SHOES ARE OK ON THE SOFA?
HEY, BABY, YOU'RE GOING
TO RUIN THE UPHOLSTERY.
Michael: HI, BERG.
HEY, HI, MICHAEL.
MICHAEL, GO GET
YOUR HOCKEY STUFF.
OK.
HEY, HEY, IS HE OK?
DID HE GET SUSPENDED?
I TALKED TO HIS PRINCIPAL.
THEY LET HIM OFF.
THANK GOD, UH...
LOOK, I'M REALLY...
REALLY SORRY.
YOU SHOULD BE.
COME ON, MICHAEL,
WE'RE GONNA BE LATE!
Michael: OK.
HOLD ON. MICHAEL, COME HERE FOR
A SECOND. I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
OH, BERG, YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
NO, I WANT TO.
LOOK, MICHAEL.
IT WAS... IT WAS MY FAULT THAT...
THAT... THAT YOU CHEATED ON THAT TEST.
I DIDN'T CHEAT.
WHAT?
COME ON, MICHAEL, HERE WE GO!
JUST A SECOND.
NO, THEY THOUGHT I WAS CHEATING
BECAUSE I GOT ALL
THE ANSWERS RIGHT.
YOU DID?!
HEY, OFF WE GO.
THANKS TO YOU AND
THE DAILY DOUBLE,
I FINALLY UNDERSTAND RATIOS.
THEY MADE ME TAKE A NEW
TEST IN FRONT OF THE PRINCIPAL,
AND HE HAD TO APOLOGIZE TO ME.
HOW COOL IS THAT?
PETER, PETER,
PETER, PETER, PETER.
YOU WEREN'T GOING
TO TELL ME, WERE YOU?
LOOK, IT DOESN'T
MATTER, ALL RIGHT?
JUST BECAUSE IT WORKED OUT
DOESN'T MEAN YOU WERE RIGHT.
FUNNY, I FEEL RIGHT.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE MY
WHOLE CLASS TO THE TRACK.
CHECK IT OUT.
THEY'RE NOT YOUR SNEAKERS.
WHERE'D YOU GET THOSE?
I WON THEM.
WELL, HOW?
WELL, LET'S SAY JIMMY
PETERSON PICKED THE SLOW END.
YOU WERE BETTING!
YOU'RE NOT OLD ENOUGH TO BET.
BUT YOU'RE THE ONE WHO...
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
NO, TOMORROW
MORNING, FIRST THING,
YOU'RE TAKING THOSE SHOES AND
GIVING THEM BACK TO JIMMY PETERSON.
DO I HAVE TO?
OH, YOU BET YOUR ASS.
BERG.
RECTUM.
NOT FUNNY.
NOT FUNNY.
LOOK, WHAT YOU DID
WAS WRONG, MICHAEL.
NOW TAKE THOSE SHOES OFF
BEFORE THEY SHAPE TO YOUR FEET.
GIDDYUP.
GO AHEAD.
GO AHEAD, SAY IT.
YOU'RE LIKE THAT
FATHER FROM SHINE.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT. I WAS WRONG.
I'M GOING TO MAKE
A LOUSY FATHER.
I HAD THE KID FOR 2 HOURS
AND I TURN HIM INTO PETE ROSE.
DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF.
LOOK, BEING A FATHER
IS TOUGH. TRUST ME.
LOOK, I'VE BEEN DOING IT EVERY
AFTERNOON FOR ALMOST A WEEK.
OH, MAN.
WHAT?
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
HE STARTS DATING?
I DON'T EVEN WANT
TO THINK ABOUT IT.
ME, NEITHER.
WOW. IMAGINE. PEOPLE
DO THIS EVERY DAY.
I KNOW. I'M EXHAUSTED.
I TELL YOU WHAT.
I'LL BUY YOU A BEER,
UNCLE "RUN WITH SCISSORS."
YEP.
YOU KNOW, BETWEEN THE TWO OF US,
WE'RE GONNA MAKE
ONE PRETTY GOOD DAD.
VERY GOOD.
PETE?
BERG?
Both: SORRY, SORRY,
SORRY, SORRY.
Sharon: OH, YEAH.
OH. OH. YEAH, I LIKE THAT.
UH-HUH.
AH!
[BELCHES]
OH, I LOVE YOU.
[BELCHES]
HEY!
SO HOW'D IT GO?
OH, THE DAY REALLY DRAGGED.
NO OVERTURNED
TRUCKS, NOT EVEN A STALL.
CHEER UP. TOMORROW I'LL GO OUT AND
RAM INTO A LIVESTOCK TRUCK FOR YOU.
YOU SAY THE SWEETEST THINGS.
SO, LISTEN, HERE
ARE MICHAEL'S BOOKS.
AND... HERE IS HIS HOCKEY STUFF.
OH, GREAT.
YOU GOT A KID THAT
GOES WITH THESE?
OH, YEAH.
MICHAEL IS ACROSS
THE STREET RIGHT NOW
IN A PARK WITH BERG.
HE'S COMPLETING
HIS JEDI TRAINING.
THE FORCE IS STRONG WITH HIM.
SO HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
OH, IT WAS GREAT. IT WAS GREAT.
YOU WANT SOMETHING TO DRINK?
HAS HE BEEN GIVING
YOU ANY TROUBLE?
NO. NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.
I MEAN, THE DAY WENT
OFF WITHOUT A HITCH.
YOU KNOW, HIS SCHOOL CALLED.
LISTEN, I'M SORRY...
THEY SAY HE GOT AN
"A" ON HIS RATIO TESTS.
I'M SORRY I DIDN'T GET A CHANCE
TO TELL YOU BEFORE THEY DID.
IT'S AMAZING. HE'S NEVER
BEEN GOOD AT MATH.
WELL, I GUESS IT'S ALL
IN HOW YOU TEACH THEM.
WELL, I GOTTA GO GRAB HIM.
MICHAEL WANTS TO
STOP BY THE PET STORE.
HE'S GOT HIS HEART SET
ON GETTING A GREYHOUND.
HE SEEMS TO THINK IT WOULD
MAKE A SMART INVESTMENT.
KIDS.
COME ON, NUMBER 7.
COME ON, NUMBER 7.
COME ON, GO, GO GO.
COME ON. GET THE
BUNNY. GET THE BUNNY.
COME ON, SADIE MAE.
COME ON, SADIE MAE.
YAY!
YEAH.
NEW COMPUTERS
FOR THE MATH CLASS.
AND REMEMBER, THIS IS VERY BAD.
WATCHING HIM AT YOUR PLACE?
NAH, NAH, NAH. IT'S
GONNA BE GREAT.
HONEY, YOU'RE COOL
COMING HERE AFTER SCHOOL?
SURE. PETE'S A HOOT.
CHECK ME OUT. I'M A HOOT.
IT'LL JUST BE THIS WEEK.
THE STATION IS SHORT
ON TRAFFIC REPORTERS.
HE'S GONNA BE FINE.
OH, SOMETIMES HE
GETS A LITTLE ANXIOUS
WHEN HE DOESN'T HAVE HIS THINGS.
RELAX. HE'S GONNA BE FINE.
IT'S JUST THAT, YOU KNOW,
BOYS NEED THEIR TOYS.
[AS DARTH VADER] MICHAEL...
COME TO THE DARK
SIDE OF THE FORCE.
HE'LL BE FINE.
HEY!
THERE SHE IS.
I NEED A LARGE PIZZA, DOUBLE
PEPPERONI, EXTRA SAUSAGE.
OH, I SEE YOU'RE ORDERING
OUR BIG FAT GIRL'S SPECIAL.
I'M SHARING IT WITH JOHNNY.
YEAH? WHERE IS HE?
OH, HE'S OUT APARTMENT HUNTING.
STILL NO LUCK?
NO. IN FACT...
I'M THINKING OF ASKING
HIM TO MOVE IN WITH ME
UNTIL HE FINDS A PLACE.
BUT I DON'T KNOW. I'M... I'M
REALLY NERVOUS ABOUT IT.
YOU SHOULD BE.
IT'S A BIG MISTAKE.
NO, A BIG MISTAKE IS
YOUR LAST HAIRCUT.
YOU AND JOHNNY
ARE GREAT TOGETHER.
THEN WHY SPOIL IT?
WHAT HAPPENS IF
THEY'RE INCOMPATIBLE?
WE'VE BEEN GOING
OUT FOR 2 MONTHS.
WE KNOWN EACH OTHER PRETTY WELL.
DOES HE KNOW YOU'RE A SLOB?
I AM NOT A SLOB.
REALLY? WHERE DID YOU FIND
YOUR SHOES THIS MORNING?
IN THE CLOSET.
AND THE OTHER ONE?
IN THE PLANTER.
SO I TIDY UP A BIT BEFORE
JOHNNY COMES OVER.
YEAH, YEAH, AND SHOO
AWAY THE SEA GULLS
THAT HOVER OVER YOUR KITCHEN.
YOU'RE RIGHT. BAD IDEA.
NO, NO, NO. DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.
JOHNNY REALLY LOVES YOU.
HE'LL LEARN TO
LIVE IN A LANDFILL.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I MEAN, HE'S GOING TO
FIND OUT EVENTUALLY.
YEAH. BUT IF HE
FINDS OUT TOO SOON,
IT COULD WRECK EVERYTHING.
WELL, THAT'S A CHANCE
I'M WILLING TO TAKE.
WELL, I'M NOT.
TOUGH.
OH, OH, YEAH. LIKE THIS
IS ALL YOUR DECISION?
MY OPINION DOESN'T COUNT?
GUYS, COULD YOU JUST...
NO, NO, NO. NOT NOW. NOT NOW.
OBVIOUSLY YOU DON'T FEEL
THE SAME ABOUT JOHNNY AS I DO.
HEY, I LOVE JOHNNY.
WELL, I LOVE JOHNNY, TOO.
GUYS, I DON'T KNOW HOW
TO BREAK THIS TO YOU,
BUT I'M ALREADY
IN A RELATIONSHIP.
HEY, HONEY.
HEY, BABY.
DID YOU FIND ANYTHING?
NO. YOU KNOW, IT'S
BRUTAL OUT THERE.
YOU KNOW, JOHNNY, IF
YOU NEED TO... WHAT?
NOTHING.
WELL, ANYWAY, I'M JUST
GONNA CRASH AT MY SISTER'S
UNTIL I FIND A PLACE.
YOU KNOW, YOU
COULD ALWAYS... WHAT?
NOTHING.
IT'S NOT GOING TO BE THAT BAD.
YOU KNOW, IT'S
ONLY AN HOUR AWAY.
OK, LOOK.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST... WHAT?
SEA GULLS.
NOTHING.
WELL, LISTEN, I JUST
CAME BY TO TELL YOU
I CAN'T STAY FOR LUNCH.
I'VE GOT TO LOAD UP THE TRUCK
AND THEN GET TO MY
SISTER'S BEFORE RUSH HOUR.
SEE YA.
BYE.
UH, JOHN, JOHNNY, WAIT.
WHAT?
NOTHING.
NOW, LOOK. IF THERE'S
9 PEOPLE IN A ROOM
AND THERE'S 3 APPLES,
WHAT IS THE RATIO
OF PEOPLE TO APPLES?
I DON'T KNOW.
THE ANSWERS ARE USUALLY
IN THE BACK OF THE BOOK.
WE DON'T NEED TO LOOK
IN THE BACK OF THE BOOK,
BECAUSE YOU CAN GET
THIS. YOU CAN GET THIS.
YOU HAVE 9 PLAYERS ON THIS SIDE
AND 3 PLAYERS ON THIS SIDE,
SO THE RATIO IS... 9 TO 3.
RIGHT! WHICH IS... UM...
STOP LOOKING AT ME. IT'S 9 TO 3.
3 TO 1.
THAT'S VERY GOOD,
BERG. THAT'S VERY GOOD.
TONIGHT YOU GET
AN EXTRA HOUR OF TV.
COULD YOU TAKE THE TEST FOR ME?
SURE. IF YOU COULD EXPLAIN TO ME
THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN
THE CECUM, COLON, AND RECTUM.
BERG SAID RECTUM.
YES, HE DOES THAT.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
LOOK, BERG'S NOT GONNA TAKE
YOUR TEST FOR YOU, SO JUST FOCUS.
HELLO. HEY, MOM. YEAH, I'M FINE.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
MICHAEL, SIT DOWN.
YOU'VE GOT 10 MORE
PROBLEMS. COME ON.
WHAT?
NO, NO, I CAN'T HELP AUNT
EMILY MOVE HER COUCH.
WELL, HOW DID SHE GET
PINNED UP AGAINST THE WALL?
WHAT? NO, I HAVE CAITLIN'S SON.
I... I CAN WATCH HIM.
YEAH, I'LL HAVE
SHARON WATCH HIM.
YEAH, ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT. BYE.
ALL RIGHT, ASK HER.
BUT NOW YOU RUN THE RISK OF
FINDING MICHAEL STUFFED IN THE PLANTER.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. BUT
HE'S A KID, HE'S NOT A DOG,
SO IF YOU DON'T FEED
HIM, HE CAN TELL ME.
FINE. OK, GO. GO.
ALL RIGHT. BUT LISTEN.
HE HAS TO FINISH HIS RATIOS.
IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT.
YES. ALL RIGHT.
AND CAITLIN'S CELL PHONE
NUMBER'S ON THE REFRIGERATOR.
AND IF YOU HAVE AN
EMERGENCY, IT'S 911.
AND, UH... POISON CONTROL...
PETE, ALL THOSE NUMBERS ARE
BUSY BECAUSE AUNT EMILY'S DYING.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. MICHAEL?
I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'M GONNA SAY THIS.
OBEY BERG.
[DOOR CLOSES]
ALL RIGHT. WHERE WERE WE?
YEP.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
BUT I'M SUPPOSED TO STUDY.
SOMETIMES THE BEST
WAY TO LEARN SOMETHING
IS TO WALK AWAY FROM IT.
TAKE A BREAK.
SO... SO YOU CAN LOOK
AT IT FROM A FRESH ANGLE.
I DON'T KNOW. THIS TEST
IS PRETTY IMPORTANT.
PRETTY IMPORTANT?
WHAT GRADE ARE YOU IN?
FIFTH.
FIFTH... FIFTH... FIFTH...
FIFTH GRADE DOESN'T COUNT!
8, 9, 10, THOSE ARE THE
IMPORTANT ONES. LET'S GO.
OH.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
AAH!
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Johnny: SHARON? YOU IN THERE?
YEAH, JUST A SECOND, HONEY.
COME ON, COME ON.
HI.
HEY. COME ON IN.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
OH, I WAS JUST READING.
BUT YOU'RE SWEATING.
DANIELLE STEEL. WHOO!
UH, CAN I GET YOU
SOMETHING TO DRINK?
YEAH, I'D LOVE SOMETHING.
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT IS SO NICE TO COME HERE AFTER LOOKING
AT THE DUMPS PEOPLE CALL APARTMENTS.
DO YOU KNOW THAT "ARTIST'S
RETREAT" ACTUALLY MEANS
NO INDOOR PLUMBING?
AND "PRIME LOCATION" MEANS ACROSS
THE STREET FROM A CRACK HOUSE.
SO YOU LIKE BEING HERE?
OH, DEFINITELY.
I'M REALLY HAPPY YOU
SAID THAT, BECAUSE...
WHAT?
NOTHING.
HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU FINISH
YOUR SENTENCES ANYMORE?
WELL, I JUST THINK THAT...
THAT I SHOULD MOVE IN
HERE UNTIL I FIND A PLACE?
YES, THANK YOU!
YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
YES, YES, YES,
YES. IT'LL BE FUN.
IT'LL BE JUST LIKE PLAYING
HOUSE WHEN WE WERE KIDS.
BUT INSTEAD OF
MAKING IMAGINARY PIES,
WE'LL HAVE SEX.
AND INSTEAD OF
DRESSING UP DOLLS,
WE'LL HAVE MORE SEX.
OH, GREAT. YOU KNOW, I'LL
BRING MY STUFF IN TOMORROW.
SO WE'RE REALLY GONNA DO THIS?
WELL, WHY SHOULDN'T WE?
YOU KNOW, PERFECT APARTMENT.
PERFECT GIRL.
THERE'S ONE LITTLE
THING I NEED TO TELL YOU
BEFORE YOU MOVE IN.
OK.
YOU KNOW HOW I KEEP
THIS PLACE REALLY CLEAN...
OH, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO TELL ME TO BE TIDY.
NO, THAT'S THE WAY I WAS RAISED.
REALLY?
OH, MY MOM ALWAYS MADE SURE
THAT THE PLACE WAS SPOTLESS.
YEAH, THE WAY YOU KEEP YOUR
APARTMENT MAKES ME FEEL RIGHT AT HOME.
OH.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
THAT'S ME, MRS. CLEAN.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
WE WENT ON A... FIELD TRIP.
WELL, WELL, I WAS WORRIED SICK.
WHY DIDN'T YOU LEAVE A NOTE?
WE WERE EXPLORING THE
FASCINATING WORLD OF RATIOS.
HIT IT, MICHAEL.
DID YOU KNOW THAT 5 TO
2 IS ACTUALLY 2 1/2 TO ONE?
WOW! WOW, THAT'S
REALLY GOOD, MIKE.
AND USUALLY IT'S THE FAVORITE.
BUT IF YOU BOX YOUR
BET WITH A LONG SHOT,
YOU CAN REALLY MAKE SOME CASH.
WHERE DID YOU TAKE HIM?
THE DOG TRACK.
YOU TOOK HIM TO THE DOG TRACK?!
YEAH. THE OFF-TRACK
BETTING'S NO PLACE FOR KIDS.
MICHAEL.
GO GET READY FOR
HOCKEY PRACTICE.
I NEED TO TALK TO BERG.
BOY. THAT'S NEVER
GOOD NEWS IN MY HOUSE.
ME, NEITHER.
YOU TOOK HIM TO THE DOG TRACK?
BERG, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST TAKE HIM TO THE BAR
AND TEACH HIM HOW
TO MIX MARTINIS?
YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW, 4 PARTS
GIN TO ONE PART VERMOUTH.
OH, SURE, IF YOU WANT
A REALLY WET MARTINI.
I'M NOT KIDDING.
HE'S NEVER GOING TO LEARN
STARING AT THAT BOOK ALL DAY.
I USED TO BE LIKE THAT.
HE NEEDED A MORE
CREATIVE APPROACH.
YOU'RE SAYING I'M NOT CREATIVE?
NO, I'M NOT SAYING THAT.
I'M JUST SAYING THAT THE
KID, HE USES HIS LEFT BRAIN.
YOU KNOW, LIKE ME.
HE'S NOT LIKE YOU. HE
USES HIS FULL BRAIN.
YOU'RE JEALOUS.
YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS
BECAUSE MICHAEL HAD
A LITTLE FUN WITH ME.
THAT'S YOU. FUN, FUN, FUN.
YOU'RE GOING TO BE
EVERYBODY'S FAVORITE
UNCLE "LET'S RUN WITH SCISSORS."
AND YOU ARE GOING TO BE EVERYONE'S
FAVORITE UNCLE "HEY, GRAB YOUR ABACUS.
WE'RE GOING TO THE MATH FAIR."
MAYBE I WON'T BE A FUN UNCLE,
BUT I'LL BE A GOOD FATHER.
WHAT THE HELL'S THAT
SUPPOSED TO MEAN, HUH?
I DON'T KNOW.
WHY DON'T YOU TAP INTO
THE LEFT SIDE OF YOUR BRAIN
AND FIGURE IT OUT.
YEAH? YOU KNOW, I'D
RATHER BE A LOUSY FATHER
THAN A WHINY, UPTIGHT ONE
WITH A GOLF CLUB
LODGED UP HIS BUTT!
PETE?
BERG?
WHO'S TAKING ME
TO HOCKEY PRACTICE?
HEY.
HELLO. HELLO.
WHAT'S WRONG, SHAR?
YOU LOOK STRESSED.
IT'S NOT WORKING OUT
WITH JOHNNY OR DID...
PETE TRY TO TEACH YOU MATH?
YOU KNOW, SHAR, YOU SHOULD
LOOSEN UP. ABDUCT A KID.
IT WORKED FOR BERG.
I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH
MORE OF THIS I CAN TAKE.
WASHING EVERY
DISH, DOING LAUNDRY,
CLEANING UP
CONSTANTLY AFTER MYSELF.
I MEAN, WHO LIVES LIKE THAT?
WHAT'S WITH ALL THE LINENS?
AH AH AH. JOHNNY'S USED TO FRESH
SHEETS AND TOWELS EVERY DAY.
WHY? DID HE GROW UP IN A HYATT?
WHEN'S HE GOING TO
FIND AN APARTMENT?
THAT'S THE THING.
HE STOPPED LOOKING.
HE LIKES MY PLACE.
IT REMINDS HIM OF HIS
STUPID CLEAN MOTHER.
STOP LIVING A LIE.
HE HAS TO LOVE YOU
FOR WHO YOU ARE.
YEAH, BUT THEN I MIGHT...
NO, NO, NO, SHARON.
IT'S TIME TO COME OUT
OF THE SLOPPY CLOSET.
THEN YOU CAN MARCH IN
THE SLOPPY PRIDE PARADE.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
BEACON STREET PIZZA.
YEAH, THIS IS PETE DUNVILLE.
WELL, I'M MORE LIKE MICHAEL'S
AFTER-SCHOOL BABY-SITTER.
OF COURSE. I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN.
ALL RIGHT. BYE.
WHAT IS IT?
IT'S MICHAEL'S PRINCIPAL.
HE GOT CAUGHT
CHEATING ON A MATH TEST.
PROBABLY 'CAUSE HE DIDN'T STUDY.
OH, MAN, LOOK, I'M
COMIN' WITH YOU.
NO, BERG, LOOK. YOU'VE
DONE ENOUGH, ALL RIGHT.
SO JUST STAY HERE AND
WATCH THE PIZZA PLACE.
AND TRY NOT TO
TAKE IT TO THE TRACK.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HELLO?
HI, SIS, HOW ARE YOU?
WELL, YOU KNOW
HOW YOU ALWAYS SAID
I'D WIND UP WITH A
GIRL JUST LIKE MOM?
I DID.
OH, IT'S TERRIBLE.
OH, SHE'S A NEAT FREAK.
YOU REMEMBER HOW WE
CAN'T STAND ON THE CARPETS
BECAUSE MOM NEEDS THEM FLUFFY?
SAME THING.
UH, JUST DO WHAT
DAD DOES, I GUESS.
YOU KNOW, PRETEND TO BE CLEAN,
GO BOWLING 6 NIGHTS A WEEK.
[HORN HONKS]
Sharon: LADY, IF YOU DON'T MOVE
THAT WALKER OUT OF THE WAY,
I'LL MOVE IT FOR YOU!
SHARON'S HOME EARLY. I
GOTTA GO. CALL YOU BACK.
RECYCLE!
[KEYS JINGLE]
[DOOR OPENS]
HEY, HONEY. YOU'RE HOME EARLY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
READING.
THAT DANIELLE STEEL.
HOW WAS WORK?
UH, NEVER ENDS.
AH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE TENSE.
NO, IT'S JUST THAT...
OK. OK. MAYBE A LITTLE TENSE.
OHH, IS THAT A BEER?
OH, MAN! NO COASTER.
OH, YES, RIGHT. NO COASTER.
WE WOULDN'T WANT
TO LEAVE A RING.
NO, WE WOULDN'T.
HERE. LET ME HELP YOU WITH THAT.
I CAN HANDLE IT. OH!
DAMN IT!
DON'T WORRY. IT'LL CLEAN.
GET A TOWEL.
YOU DON'T WANT TO USE A
DIRTY TOWEL ON THE CARPET.
I HAVE A NEW ONE.
OH, DON'T USE THOSE.
YOU'LL RUIN THEM.
YOU'RE RUBBING IN THE STAIN.
WELL, YOU'RE
FLATTENING THE CARPET.
THE STAIN!
THE FLUFF.
YOU KNOW, I CAN'T
DO THIS ANYMORE!
YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!
ME?
TRY LIVING WITH YOU.
I AM SORRY. THERE ARE
ONLY SO MANY HOURS IN A DAY
I CAN SANITIZE FOR
YOUR PROTECTION.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK YOU HAVE A PROBLEM,
AND I THINK YOU NEED SOME HELP.
WELL, I AM SORRY IF I CAN'T KEEP THIS
PLACE AS CLEAN AS YOUR MOTHER DOES.
NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND
COULD KEEP THEIR PLACE AS CLEAN...
WHAT?
I CAN'T STAND THIS.
THIS PLACE IS MORE STERILE
THAN A HOSPITAL ROOM.
I NEED... I NEED FILTH!
WHAT?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE A NEAT FREAK.
YOU ARE THE ONE WHO WANTED
THIS PLACE LIKE YOUR MOM'S.
SHARON, I HATED
LIVING AT MY MOM'S.
THE SMELL OF LYSOL...
IT GIVES ME FLASHBACKS.
LOOK AT MY SHIRT. I-I'M A SLOB.
YOU'RE A SLOB?
UH, A BIG SLOB.
I'M A PIG!
YOU'RE A PIG?
PIG, PIG, PIG.
YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL PIG.
OH, GOD. I THOUGHT I WAS
GOING TO HAVE TO START BOWLING.
[MUFFLED] SO WE DON'T
HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS?
WHAT?
SO WE DON'T HAVE
TO LIVE LIKE THIS?
NO MORE COASTERS.
OK, OK. YOU KNOW WHAT'S
REALLY BEEN BUGGING ME?
THAT IS JUST WRONG.
WE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT
KEEPING THE CARPETS FLUFFY.
HELL, NO!
SHOES ARE OK ON THE SOFA?
HEY, BABY, YOU'RE GOING
TO RUIN THE UPHOLSTERY.
Michael: HI, BERG.
HEY, HI, MICHAEL.
MICHAEL, GO GET
YOUR HOCKEY STUFF.
OK.
HEY, HEY, IS HE OK?
DID HE GET SUSPENDED?
I TALKED TO HIS PRINCIPAL.
THEY LET HIM OFF.
THANK GOD, UH...
LOOK, I'M REALLY...
REALLY SORRY.
YOU SHOULD BE.
COME ON, MICHAEL,
WE'RE GONNA BE LATE!
Michael: OK.
HOLD ON. MICHAEL, COME HERE FOR
A SECOND. I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
OH, BERG, YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
NO, I WANT TO.
LOOK, MICHAEL.
IT WAS... IT WAS MY FAULT THAT...
THAT... THAT YOU CHEATED ON THAT TEST.
I DIDN'T CHEAT.
WHAT?
COME ON, MICHAEL, HERE WE GO!
JUST A SECOND.
NO, THEY THOUGHT I WAS CHEATING
BECAUSE I GOT ALL
THE ANSWERS RIGHT.
YOU DID?!
HEY, OFF WE GO.
THANKS TO YOU AND
THE DAILY DOUBLE,
I FINALLY UNDERSTAND RATIOS.
THEY MADE ME TAKE A NEW
TEST IN FRONT OF THE PRINCIPAL,
AND HE HAD TO APOLOGIZE TO ME.
HOW COOL IS THAT?
PETER, PETER,
PETER, PETER, PETER.
YOU WEREN'T GOING
TO TELL ME, WERE YOU?
LOOK, IT DOESN'T
MATTER, ALL RIGHT?
JUST BECAUSE IT WORKED OUT
DOESN'T MEAN YOU WERE RIGHT.
FUNNY, I FEEL RIGHT.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE MY
WHOLE CLASS TO THE TRACK.
CHECK IT OUT.
THEY'RE NOT YOUR SNEAKERS.
WHERE'D YOU GET THOSE?
I WON THEM.
WELL, HOW?
WELL, LET'S SAY JIMMY
PETERSON PICKED THE SLOW END.
YOU WERE BETTING!
YOU'RE NOT OLD ENOUGH TO BET.
BUT YOU'RE THE ONE WHO...
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
NO, TOMORROW
MORNING, FIRST THING,
YOU'RE TAKING THOSE SHOES AND
GIVING THEM BACK TO JIMMY PETERSON.
DO I HAVE TO?
OH, YOU BET YOUR ASS.
BERG.
RECTUM.
NOT FUNNY.
NOT FUNNY.
LOOK, WHAT YOU DID
WAS WRONG, MICHAEL.
NOW TAKE THOSE SHOES OFF
BEFORE THEY SHAPE TO YOUR FEET.
GIDDYUP.
GO AHEAD.
GO AHEAD, SAY IT.
YOU'RE LIKE THAT
FATHER FROM SHINE.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT. I WAS WRONG.
I'M GOING TO MAKE
A LOUSY FATHER.
I HAD THE KID FOR 2 HOURS
AND I TURN HIM INTO PETE ROSE.
DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF.
LOOK, BEING A FATHER
IS TOUGH. TRUST ME.
LOOK, I'VE BEEN DOING IT EVERY
AFTERNOON FOR ALMOST A WEEK.
OH, MAN.
WHAT?
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
HE STARTS DATING?
I DON'T EVEN WANT
TO THINK ABOUT IT.
ME, NEITHER.
WOW. IMAGINE. PEOPLE
DO THIS EVERY DAY.
I KNOW. I'M EXHAUSTED.
I TELL YOU WHAT.
I'LL BUY YOU A BEER,
UNCLE "RUN WITH SCISSORS."
YEP.
YOU KNOW, BETWEEN THE TWO OF US,
WE'RE GONNA MAKE
ONE PRETTY GOOD DAD.
VERY GOOD.
PETE?
BERG?
Both: SORRY, SORRY,
SORRY, SORRY.
Sharon: OH, YEAH.
OH. OH. YEAH, I LIKE THAT.
UH-HUH.
AH!
[BELCHES]
OH, I LOVE YOU.
[BELCHES]
HEY!
SO HOW'D IT GO?
OH, THE DAY REALLY DRAGGED.
NO OVERTURNED
TRUCKS, NOT EVEN A STALL.
CHEER UP. TOMORROW I'LL GO OUT AND
RAM INTO A LIVESTOCK TRUCK FOR YOU.
YOU SAY THE SWEETEST THINGS.
SO, LISTEN, HERE
ARE MICHAEL'S BOOKS.
AND... HERE IS HIS HOCKEY STUFF.
OH, GREAT.
YOU GOT A KID THAT
GOES WITH THESE?
OH, YEAH.
MICHAEL IS ACROSS
THE STREET RIGHT NOW
IN A PARK WITH BERG.
HE'S COMPLETING
HIS JEDI TRAINING.
THE FORCE IS STRONG WITH HIM.
SO HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
OH, IT WAS GREAT. IT WAS GREAT.
YOU WANT SOMETHING TO DRINK?
HAS HE BEEN GIVING
YOU ANY TROUBLE?
NO. NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.
I MEAN, THE DAY WENT
OFF WITHOUT A HITCH.
YOU KNOW, HIS SCHOOL CALLED.
LISTEN, I'M SORRY...
THEY SAY HE GOT AN
"A" ON HIS RATIO TESTS.
I'M SORRY I DIDN'T GET A CHANCE
TO TELL YOU BEFORE THEY DID.
IT'S AMAZING. HE'S NEVER
BEEN GOOD AT MATH.
WELL, I GUESS IT'S ALL
IN HOW YOU TEACH THEM.
WELL, I GOTTA GO GRAB HIM.
MICHAEL WANTS TO
STOP BY THE PET STORE.
HE'S GOT HIS HEART SET
ON GETTING A GREYHOUND.
HE SEEMS TO THINK IT WOULD
MAKE A SMART INVESTMENT.
KIDS.
COME ON, NUMBER 7.
COME ON, NUMBER 7.
COME ON, GO, GO GO.
COME ON. GET THE
BUNNY. GET THE BUNNY.
COME ON, SADIE MAE.
COME ON, SADIE MAE.
YAY!
YEAH.
NEW COMPUTERS
FOR THE MATH CLASS.
AND REMEMBER, THIS IS VERY BAD.