Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 1, Episode 9 - Two Guys, a Girl and a Chance Encounter - full transcript

OK, I GOTTA GET THESE BLUEPRINTS

TO THE COPY PLACE BY 9:00.

I HAVE A MEETING WITH
MY PROFESSOR AT 10:00.

HIT THE COMPUTER LAB
BY 11:00. AND AT NOON,

"MEET WITH THE MAYOR
REGARDING PARADE FOR BERG."

OH, PETE!

I TOLD YOU, STAY
OUT OF MY ORGANIZER.

I'M NOT TALKING
ABOUT A BIG PARADE.

JUST A COUPLE OF FLOATS.

RIGHT.

WE'RE IN A ZONE!
WE'RE IN A ZONE!



HEY, THIS ONE COULD BE ME.

SHE'S IN OUR ZONE.

"SAW YOU OUTSIDE COPLEY PLAZA.

"WE SHARED A SMILE.

"YOU... PRETTY AND PETITE.

ME... STOCKY GUY
WITH... RED HAIR."

PLEASE. WHY NOT JUST
SAY "FAT WITH FRECKLES"?

SHARON, DO YOU MIND?

WE'RE DEFENDING OUR "POP 'N
SHOT" TITLE AT O'MALLEY'S NEXT WEEK.

WELL, I'M TRYING TO FIND A GUY.

THROUGH THE "CHANCE
ENCOUNTER" ADS?

WELL, THAT'S SO SAD.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO BUY A CAT?

JULIE AT THE OFFICE...



GUESS WHERE SHE MET HER FIANCE.

RIGHT HERE IN THE
"CHANCE ENCOUNTER" ADS.

MAYBE A SIAMESE.

I HEAR CALICOS ARE NICE.

OOH! OOH! THIS COULD BE ME.

"YOU... PRETTY...

CUTE SMILE, AND GREAT LEGS."

THAT'S 3 OUT OF 3.

"WALKING A SHINY BLACK LAB."

YOU DON'T HAVE A DOG.

FROM A DISTANCE.

OK, SHARON, GIVE IT UP.

WHOA! PETE!

WHOA, WHAT? WHOA, THIS.

"YOU... BLACK BIKE
ON BEACON STREET."

THERE MUST BE A THOUSAND
GUYS ON BEACON STREET

WITH BLACK BIKES.

"SAW YOU AT THE COFFEE
PLACE ON NEWBERRY...

YOU ALWAYS GO THERE.

HALF OF BOSTON
GOES THROUGH THERE.

"WALKING WITH TALL FRIEND...

OK. IT'S NOT ME.

"YOU... PARKER STEVENSON LOOKS.

I HAVE PARKER STEVENSON LOOKS.

"ME... SHY BUT INTERESTED.

ARE YOU... THE ONE?"

YOU GOT TO CALL.

NO WAY, BERG.

WHY NOT?

GET REAL. THE PEOPLE WHO
PUT THESE ADS IN THE PAPER,

THEY'RE ALL PSYCHOS.

LOOK, WHAT'S IT SAY?

"ME... SHY BUT INTERESTED."

OK? SHE MIGHT AS WELL
SAY, "ME... LONELY, DEJECTED,

HAVE SPACE IN FREEZER
FOR ONE MORE BODY."

WHAT ABOUT THE ONE?

YOU'RE ALWAYS
TALKING ABOUT THE ONE,

AND HERE SHE IS.

AREN'T YOU THE
LEAST BIT CURIOUS?

NO.

HEY, SHARON, WHY
AREN'T YOU AT WORK?

ME?

MM-HMM.

UH, WELL, IT'S UH...
"TOXIC AWARENESS" DAY.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

BEACON STREET PIZZA.

NO. SORRY, WE DON'T DELIVER
ON..."TOXIC AWARENESS" DAY.

OK. ALL RIGHT. WHAT'S GOING ON?

HUH? WHAT ARE
YOU GUYS WAITING...

YOU ANSWERED THE AD, DIDN'T YOU?

PETE, I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF.

I'M AN ADDICT.

HELLO. MY NAME IS BERG,

AND I'M ADDICTED TO
MESSING WITH PETE.

BESIDES, SHE REALLY LIKES YOU.

LIKES ME?

BERG, SHE'S NEVER SPOKEN TO ME.

YEAH, NOT... TECHNICALLY,

BUT I WAS VERY YOU.

I WAS SENSITIVE AND I
WAS A GOOD LISTENER

AND I DID THAT THING HE
DOES WHEN HE MEETS A GIRL

WHERE HE LOWERS HIS VOICE

LIKE MUCHO GUAPO GUY.

I DON'T LOWER MY VOICE.

[LOW VOICE] HI. I'M PETE.

WHERE DO YOU WORK OUT?

MEANWHILE,

WHERE'S THE FUTURE
MRS. DUNVILLE?

SHE SAID 1:00.

IT'S ALMOST 1:00.

LOOK, WHENEVER
SHE DOES GET HERE,

SHE'S ALL YOURS.

THIS IS THE THANKS I GET

FOR HELPING YOU FIND THE ONE?

YOU'RE NOT HELPING, OK?

YOU WANT SOME TWISTED GIRL

TO CRUISE THROUGH THAT
DOOR AND TORTURE ME

SO YOU GUYS CAN LAUGH.

[LAUGHS]

AND OUR HAPPINESS
MEANS NOTHING TO YOU?

I'M NOT YOUR CAT TOY. BYE.

ONCE I THOUGHT I
WOULD NEVER LOVE AGAIN.

OK, MR. BAUER...

BUT THEN I MOVED TO SEATTLE...

AND YOUR SON CALLED
IN ON A RADIO SHOW.

HE SAID YOU WERE LONELY.

THEN YOU MET MEG RYAN ON THE
TOP OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.

HAPPILY EVER AFTER... THE END.

YOU REMEMBERED.

HEY. I'M LOOKING FOR PETER...

PETERSON STREET.

3 BLOCKS SOUTH.

YOU'LL SEE A SIGN...
"COFFEE AND BONDAGE."

DAMN.

I THOUGHT WE HAD A LIVE ONE.

SHAKE IT OFF, FOLKS.

LOVE IS ON THE WAY.

OK, OK.

DON'T YOU PEOPLE HAVE
ANYTHING BETTER TO DO?

PETE?

[LOW VOICE] YES. CAN I...

CAN... CAN I HELP YOU?

I'M MOLLY. YOU CALLED.

OH, NO... YES, I DID.

UM, HAVE A SEAT.

I CAN ONLY STAY FOR A MINUTE.

I HAVE TO GET BACK
TO THE LIBRARY.

SHEE. WELL, THIS SUCKS.

I'M OUTTA HERE.

YOU PROMISED ME A FREAK.

BELIEVE ME, I'M NOT
THE TYPE OF PERSON

WHO PUTS ADS IN NEWSPAPERS.

I MEAN, THERE'S SO MANY
PSYCHOS OUT THERE.

I ALMOST WASN'T GONNA SHOW UP,

BUT ALL THOSE THINGS
YOU SAID ON THE PHONE

WERE SO PERFECT.

UM, TELL ME,
THOSE THINGS I SAID,

WHAT WERE YOUR FAVORITES?

GOSH, UM, EVERYTHING.

ESPECIALLY YOUR LIFE PLAN.

OH, YEAH. GOT TO HAVE A PLAN.

YOUR BELIEF IN FINDING THE ONE.

THAT I DO BELIEVE.

AND ALL THOSE WONDERFUL THINGS
YOU SAID ABOUT YOUR ROOMMATE.

I'M SORRY. EXCUSE ME?

YOU KNOW, HOW YOU WOULD
GLADLY JUMP ON A GRENADE FOR HIM

BECAUSE, SOMEDAY, HE'S GONNA BE A
GREAT DOCTOR WHO SAVES THE WORLD

WHILE GETTING
CONTINUALLY BETTER-LOOKING

AND MORE CHARMING
AS THE YEARS GO ON.

YES. YES, YES.

OF COURSE.

THE GRENADE SPEECH.

OOPS. I'D BETTER GET BACK.

I HATE TO BE LATE.

HEY, I HATE TO BE LATE, TOO.

REALLY?

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GET TOGETHER

AND DO SOMETHING...
RIGHT ON TIME?

I GET OFF WORK AT 6:00.

I'M THERE.

HERE IS MY WORK NUMBER.

I'LL CALL YOU AT 6:00.

DON'T BE LATE.

NEVER AM.

AND IN AN UNBELIEVABLE
TURN OF EVENTS,

GOOD HAS TRIUMPHED OVER EVIL.

YOU... TALL, HANDSOME
INVESTMENT BANKER

GETTING OUT OF PORSCHE.

ME... TOO SHY TO SAY HELLO.

YOU? TOO SHY?

I'VE SEEN YOU OFFEND
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST
GO UP TO THE GUY?

BECAUSE THERE IS NO GUY.

IF I'M SPENDING 50
BUCKS FOR THIS AD,

I WANT PERFECTION.

I THINK YOU MIGHT BE
SETTING YOUR SIGHTS

JUST A LITTLE TOO HIGH.

AH. YOU'RE RIGHT.

IF YOU WERE DRIVING AN AUDI,

THAT'S OK, TOO.

WHERE'S PETE?

GUESS.

UNBELIEVABLE.

THIS IS THE FOURTH
PRACTICE IN A ROW HE'S MISSED.

WE'RE PLAYING FOR
THE CHAMPIONSHIP.

BUT NO.

MOLLY WANTS TO RIDE BIKES.

MOLLY WANTS TO GO ON A HIKE.

MOLLY WANTS TO HAVE A PICNIC.

DOES ANYBODY ASK
WHAT BERG WANTS?

OH, YOU BIG LUNKHEAD,
YOUR PLAN BACKFIRED.

PETE'S HOOKED UP
WITH A GREAT CHICK,

AND YOU'RE STUCK HERE
HOLDING YOUR BALLS.

♪ ANOTHER PLEASANT
VALLEY SUNDAY ♪

I THINK IT'S SWEET.

LOOK WHAT PETE WON ME.

WE NEED TO PRACTICE.

WE GOT PLENTY OF TIME.

NO. THERE ISN'T PLENTY OF TIME.

GRRR! AAH!

I'VE GOT THE WHOLE
WEEK LAID OUT.

SHE'S GOT THE
WHOLE WEEK LAID OUT.

TONIGHT... MOVIE, ICE CREAM.

AND TOMORROW...

I'VE GOT RESERVATIONS
FOR THE BOAT HOUSE

AND TICKETS FOR THE BALLET.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

YEAH. IT SAYS SO RIGHT HERE.

TOMORROW NIGHT IS THE
"POP 'N SHOT" TOURNAMENT

AT O'MALLEY'S.

OH, MY GOD.

THAT IS TOMORROW.

YES, IT IS.

WHERE THE HELL
ARE YOUR PRIORITIES?

MOLLY... BERG'S RIGHT.

WE'LL DO BALLET
SOME OTHER NIGHT, OK?

HEY, WHY DON'T YOU GUYS
COME OVER FOR DINNER,

AND WE'LL ALL GO TO
O'MALLEY'S TOGETHER.

HUH?

IS SHE A GREAT GIRL,

OR IS SHE A GREAT GIRL?

♪ ANOTHER PLEASANT
VALLEY SUNDAY... ♪

MOLLY?

IF YOU EVER COME
BETWEEN PETE AND ME AGAIN,

I WILL END YOU.

THIS IS A VERY WEIRD DREAM.

THIS IS A VERY BIG BAT.

WELL, AHEM... I'M UP.

SO LAST NIGHT,

THIS GIRL STOOD OVER YOUR
BED WITH A BASEBALL BAT?

YES.

AND SHE THREATENED TO END YOU?

YES.

AND THEN SHE JUST
VANISHED INTO THE NIGHT?

YES. YES.

AND IN THE MORNING,

DID YOU FIND A SHINY
QUARTER UNDER YOUR PILLOW?

YOU GOT TO BELIEVE ME.

I SET PETE UP WITH
A HOMICIDAL MANIAC.

I MEAN, SHE'S CUTE.

[WHISTLING]

PETE, YOU'RE ALIVE.

BERG, YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE A HELL OF A DOCTOR.

WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT?

I WAS AT MOLLY'S.

AT ANY POINT DURING THE NIGHT,

DID YOU NOTICE
THAT SHE AND HER...

BASEBALL BAT WERE MISSING?

I WAS SLEEPING.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

MOLLY HAS... HOW
CAN I PUT THIS...

A HORRIFYING, SCARY,
EVIL, VIOLENT SIDE.

AHA!

YEAH. THAT MUST BE WHY

SHE BAKED YOU
MUFFINS THIS MORNING.

DIBS.

NO!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

BERG, STOP.

THEY MIGHT BE POISONED.

YEAH? WELL, I'LL
TAKE MY CHANCES.

PETE, YOU GOTTA HEAR ME.

I WOKE UP LAST NIGHT,

AND MOLLY WAS
STANDING OVER MY BED,

THREATENING ME
WITH A BASEBALL BAT.

SHE SAID IF I EVER COME
BETWEEN YOU AND HER AGAIN,

SHE WILL END ME.

OK, BERG, THAT'S IT.

NO MORE SCARY MOVIES AFTER 9:00.

IT WASN'T A DREAM. IT WAS REAL.

AND SHE WAS THERE.

AW, BERG.

YOU'RE JEALOUS.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE
JEALOUS. BUT, LISTEN, BUDDY,

I'M ALWAYS GONNA BE PETE,

YOU'RE ALWAYS GONNA BE BERG,

AND WE'RE ALWAYS
GONNA BE... PETE AND BERG.

SHUT UP.

YOU GOT TO BELIEVE ME.

MOLLY'S LIKE...
GIRLFRIEND OF THE CORN.

THERE'S MOLLY.

PETE, THERE'S NO
SHAME IN HIDING.

HEY, PUNKIN.

WHAT?

AW, NOTHING. NOTHING.

IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY SWEET.

AW, TELL ME, PUNKIN.

ALL RIGHT, WELL...
BERG HAD THIS DREAM

THAT YOU CAME INTO
HIS ROOM LAST NIGHT

WITH A BASEBALL BAT AND, LIKE...

THREATENED HIM IF HE
EVER CAME BETWEEN US.

BERG WILL NEVER...
COME BETWEEN US.

HEY, LOOK AT THESE CUTE
NAMES I CAME UP WITH.

NAMES FOR WHAT?

OUR 4 KIDS.

ABIGAIL OR ADAM, BELLA OR BRUCE,

CAROLYN OR CARL,
DEBBIE OR DENNIS.

SEE HOW I USE THE ALPHABET?

OH, YEAH, THAT'S
GREAT, BUT, UH...

DON'T YOU THINK IT'S
FUNNY, YOU KNOW,

THAT BERG COULD IMAGINE
SOMEONE AS SWEET AS YOU

DOING SOMETHING
AS CRAZY AS THAT?

AS CRAZY AS WHAT?

I MEAN, YOU KNOW...

YOU WOULD NEVER,
LIKE, TAKE A BASEBALL BAT

AND, LIKE, BEAT BERG WITH IT.

OH, YES, IN A HEARTBEAT.

LOOK, HERE'S YOU... HERE'S ME...

AND HERE'S ANYONE
WHO COMES BETWEEN US.

DO YOU SEE? YOU SEE?

YOU SEE WHAT YOU DO?

YOU ALWAYS COME UP
WITH THESE GREAT IDEAS,

AND THEN WHO WINDS
UP PAYING FOR THEM?

AHA!

RIGHT? YEAH. THIS
TIME, I'M BEING STALKED

BY A DERANGED LIBRARIAN
WITH A BASEBALL BAT.

LOOK, PETE, NO
RELATIONSHIP IS PERFECT.

YOU HAVE TO DUMP HER.

HE CAN'T DUMP HER.

HE DUMPS HER, SHE KILLS ME.

WELL, THEN SHE'S GONNA
HAVE TO BREAK UP WITH YOU.

THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

SHE'S TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH ME.

I'M THE ONE.

DAMN THESE PARKER
STEVENSON LOOKS.

OK, LET'S JUST THINK.

ALL RIGHT. THIS
GIRL'S A LIFE-PLANNER.

SO ARE YOU.

WHAT UPSETS YOUR WORLD THE MOST?

HIM.

SO... BECOME BERG.

BE SPONTANEOUS. BE IMPULSIVE.

DON'T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
FOR YOUR ACTIONS.

BE A FLAKE. BE A GOOF.

OK, WE GET IT.

IT DRIVES YOU NUTS.

IT'LL REALLY DRIVE HER NUTS.

THIS ACTUALLY MIGHT WORK.

I'M JUST GONNA ACT LIKE YOU,

AND I'M GONNA DRIVE HER NUTS.

UNLESS, OF COURSE,

SHE CHOPS US UP AND
MAKES US INTO QUICHE.

[SIGH] [SIGH] [SIGH]

YOU KNOW, THERE WAS A TIME

WHEN I THOUGHT THIS WAS CUTE,

BUT NOW IT SAYS SO MUCH.

LOOK, JUST GET IN, GET
DUMPED, AND GET OUT.

THIS GIRL IS SICK.

SHE'S DERANGED. SHE'S DANGEROUS.

HEY! HI!

HOW ARE YOU, SHARON?

REALLY BUSY.

NEVER HAVE TIME TO SEE ANYONE,

ESPECIALLY THESE GUYS

OR MY 2 DOBERMANS THAT
SLEEP RIGHT ON MY BED.

WELL, COME ON IN.

NICE TOUCH.

WANNA LIVE.

WELCOME TO MY HOME.

PLEASE, SIGN IN.

OH, I'M SORRY.

I WAS SO BUSY ADMIRING
YOUR APARTMENT,

I FORGOT TO... SIGN IN.

WHERE DO YOU MEET THESE PEOPLE?

YOU JUST CAN'T HELP
YOURSELF, CAN YOU?

I LOVE TO ENTERTAIN,
DON'T I, PUNKIN?

YES, MUFFINS.

I MAKE HIM CALL ME MUFFINS.

AS WELL HE SHOULD.

PUNKIN, WHY DON'T
YOU POUR THE WINE?

I'LL GO GET THE HORS D'OEUVRES.

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

I CAN'T JUST JUMP
INTO SPONTANEITY.

OH, MY GOD.

WHY DO I LOOK DEAD?

I'LL BE IN THE CAR.

DO YOU LIKE IT?

I HAD IT PAINTED FROM A
POLAROID I TOOK OF YOU

WHEN YOU WERE ASLEEP.

SHE CERTAINLY KEEPS
BUSY DURING THE NIGHT.

PLEASE, SIT.

QUICHE?

DELICIOUS! DELICIOUS! MMM!

OH. THEY'RE A MIXTURE
OF COLBY AND CHEDDAR.

PETE, DON'T YOU HAVE
A COUSIN NAMED COLBY?

HUH?

OH. OH.

YOU KNOW, I WAS
THINKING ABOUT OUR KIDS.

OH. WHAT ABOUT THEM?

I THINK THAT MAYBE
WE SHOULD NAME THEM

ALL AFTER... CHEESES.

WHAT?

YEAH, YOU KNOW, GOUDA DUNVILLE.

SWISS DUNVILLE.

CHEDDAR DUNVILLE.

NO, NO, NO. THAT'S NOT THE PLAN.

AND THE LITTLE
GENIUS OF THE FAMILY...

CHEEZ WHIZ.

LOOK. WE ALREADY
AGREED ON THE NAMES.

PLAN SCHMAN.

OH, LOOK.

WE'RE HAVING A JUNE
WEDDING NEXT YEAR.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHY WAIT A YEAR?

LET'S JUST RUN OFF
TONIGHT, GET MARRIED.

NO, NO. WHAT ABOUT THE SHOWERS

AND THE ENGAGEMENT PARTY

AND PICKING OUT CHINA?

WHO NEEDS IT?

I SAY, WHEN YOU FIND
THE ONE, WHY WAIT?

LET'S GO.

PETE. THIS IS SOMETHING
THAT I WOULD NEVER DO.

AH. OH, WELL, THEN...

JUST LIKE PLACING THAT AD

WAS SOMETHING I WOULD NEVER DO,

OR ANSWERING IT IS
SOMETHING YOU'D NEVER DO.

OH, MY GOD. THIS IS PERFECT.

IT IS?

DON'T YOU THINK YOU
SHOULD MAYBE THINK IT OVER?

ARE YOU GONNA STAND IN OUR WAY?

CONGRATULATIONS, PETE.

I'LL GO PACK A BAG.

WHOO-HOO!

WHOO-HOO! ABANDON SHIP.

NO, NO, NO. WHAT'S THE POINT?

SHE KNOWS WHERE WE WORK,

SHE KNOWS WHERE WE LIVE.

NICE GOING, BERG.

I DIDN'T TELL YOU TO PROPOSE.

I'M GOING TO END YOU.

NO, PETE. PETE, DON'T.

WHY NOT?

UH. SORRY, BERG.

WHAT KIND OF TWISTED MIND

ANSWERS A PERSONALS
AD FOR SOMEONE ELSE?

WHAT KIND OF DERANGED... WHAT?

AAH! AAH! AAH!

IT WAS BERG WHO CALLED ME?

LOOK, I CAN EXPLAIN.

OK. EXPLAIN.

IT WAS BERG WHO CALLED YOU.

SHE HANDED ME THE PHONE.

YOU MEAN IT'S ALL BEEN A LIE?

YOU'VE BEEN PRETENDING
TO BE SOMEONE ELSE?

YEAH, I'M AFRAID SO.

SO, REALLY, ALL
ALONG, IT WAS YOU.

MY SHY CYRANO.

OH... NO.

YEP. YEAH, YEAH.

YOU CAUGHT US.

I'M THE FLAKY ONE.

IT'S ALL BECOMING SO CLEAR.

HE'S NOT THE ONE.

YOU'RE THE ONE.

FATE LED ME TO PETE,
AND PETE LED ME TO YOU.

IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

YES, IT DOES.

WELL, CONGRATULATIONS, BERG.

SHAR, WHAT DO YOU SAY
WE LEAVE THESE 2 KIDS ALONE

AND YOU AND I GO PLAY
A LITTLE POP 'N SHOT?

WORKS FOR ME.

HAVE FUN, YOU TWO.

DO I NEED TO SIGN OUT?

HI, PUNKIN.

HEY... M-MUFFINS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUTSIDE?

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN HIDING.

WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY?

I'M A FREE MAN.

WHAT ABOUT MOLLY?

GONE.

HOW DID YOU GET RID OF HER?

PLEASE, SIT,

SO YOU CAN MARVEL
AT MY BIG BRAIN.

"SAW YOU AT BEACON STREET PIZZA.

"YOU... BLOND
HAIR. ME... THE ONE.

"LOVE LIFE PLANS AND QUICHE.

"MEET ME IN SEATTLE.
I'LL BE THE GUY,

"AVERAGE HEIGHT, IN
JEANS AND A FLANNEL SHIRT.

PLEASE HURRY."

WAIT A MINUTE.

IF IT WAS THAT EASY,

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST DO THAT
WHEN SHE WAS STALKING ME?

WHEN SHE WAS STALKING
YOU, IT WAS FUNNY.

HI.

HOW ARE YOU?

FINE.

ARE YOU, UH... "TOO
SHY TO SAY HELLO"?

YEAH, BUT I'M NOT
TOO SHY TO SAY...

GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU FREAK!