Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 1, Episode 8 - Two Guys, a Girl and a Party - full transcript

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. YOU READY?

YEAH.

[BEEP]

[ALTERNATING] HI... YOU'VE

- REACHED... PETE - AND... BERG.

WE'RE... NOT -
HOME... SO - LEAVE...A

- MESSAGE...
AFTER - THE... BEEP.

[BEEP]

- THAT...
- SUCKED.

GOOD MORNING. I'M PETE DUNVILLE

LECTURING FOR PROFESSOR YANOKOV.



THE KREMLIN...

A BIG, UGLY BUILDING IN RUSSIA.

NO, I CAN'T SAY THAT.

AH. GREAT, YOU'RE HERE.

I CAN RUN THIS SPEECH BY YOU.

HEY. WHATEVER YOU NEED.

"THE KREMLIN,
COMMISSIONED IN 15..."

HELP ME MOVE THE COUCH.

1, 2...

TO COMMEMORATE
IVAN THE TERRIBLE'S...

WHY ARE WE MOVING THE COUCH?

TO MAKE ROOM FOR
THE DANCE FLOOR.

SO... IVAN THE TERRIBLE...

BERG, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?



NOTHING.

I JUST HAPPENED TO
RUN INTO BETHANIE

OUTSIDE OF WORK THIS MORNING.

HAPPENED?

BERG, YOU HAD TO HAPPEN ON 2
TRAINS AND A FERRY TO GET THERE.

HEY, I HAVEN'T
SEEN HER IN A WHILE.

YEAH, AND LIFE WAS GOOD.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE
AGAINST BETHANIE, HUH?

NOTHING. EXCEPT EVERY
TIME YOU RUN INTO HER,

YOU TURN INTO A BUMBLING FOOL.

SO UNTRUE.

- BERG, I DON'T GET IT.
- GET WHAT?

I JUST FEEL LIKE MOVING
SLOWLY ON THIS ONE.

IT'S BEEN 2 YEARS,

AND YOU'VE NEVER ASKED HER OUT.

OH, YEAH?

THEN HOW COME I INVITED
HER TO A PARTY TONIGHT?

HERE?

HOW GREAT IS THAT?

I'LL GO OVER TO MELISSA'S.

- YOU CAN'T.
- WHY NOT?

BECAUSE MELISSA'S
COMING OVER HERE.

FOR WHAT?

FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY.

BERG, MY BIRTHDAY'S
NOT FOR 7 MONTHS.

BUT YOUR PARTY'S TONIGHT.

BERG!

LOOK, PETE, IT WASN'T MY FAULT.

I WAS ASKING HER TO DINNER...

I REALLY WAS...

BUT THEN SHE GOT THAT WHOLE...

SOFT, POUTY LOOK HAPPENING,

AND... AND YOU KNOW HER HAIR.

AND SHE SMILED.

AND I PANICKED, AND
IT JUST CAME OUT...

COME TO PETE'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.

YOU WEREN'T THERE.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY.

YEAH? WELL, WHENEVER IT IS,

NOW I'M COVERED.

Pete: DULY NOTED.

BERG, SHE'S CLEANING.
SHE MUST BE MAD.

GREAT. THIS PLACE IS A MESS.

Berg: WHAT'S WRONG, SHAR?

YOU KNOW, A GUY ASKS YOU OUT,

AND USUALLY YOU EXPECT A CALL

SOMETIME DURING THE
WEEK TO SAY, YOU KNOW,

LIKE, MAYBE WHERE OR WHAT TIME?

WHO, THE DOLL SALESMAN?

HE HAPPENS TO BE THE VP
OF MARKETING FOR BARBIE,

A MULTIMILLION-DOLLAR
CORPORATION.

- DOLL SALESMAN.
- DOLL SALESMAN.

MAYBE HE GOT BACK
TOGETHER WITH HIS EX.

OR MAYBE HE JUST
FORGOT ALL ABOUT YOU.

MAYBE HE'S ON A
CONFERENCE CALL WITH KEN.

WHERE'S THE DAMN SCRUN-GENIE?

I THINK IT'S IN THE BATHROOM.

BUT YOU DON'T WANNA GO IN THERE.

IT'S SCARY. NO. STOP.

DON'T.

WHY ARE YOU TORTURING HER?

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

SHARON'S PHONE.

IT'S BARBIE BOY.

SHE'S IN THE BATHROOM.

CAN I TAKE A MESSAGE?

YEAH. 7:30... COPPERFIELD'S.

I'LL LET HER KNOW. THANKS.

Sharon: HEY, WAS THAT MY PHONE?

- YE...
- NO.

WE'LL TELL HER LATER.

DON'T YOU WANT THE PLACE

TO LOOK GOOD FOR YOUR PARTY?

BERG, NO PARTY. PARTY BAD.

I HAVE TO NAIL THIS
LECTURE TOMORROW

IF I HAVE ANY HOPES OF TEACHING
UNDERGRAD NEXT SEMESTER.

I NEED THIS PARTY, PETE.

ALL RIGHT. ONE CONDITION.

NAME IT.

YOU FINALLY TELL THIS
WOMAN HOW YOU FEEL.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

FORGET IT. NO PARTY.

OK. I'LL TELL HER
TONIGHT, I PROMISE.

AND I WANT EVERYONE
OUT OF HERE BY 10:30.

DONE.

AURRGH!

WHY AM I ABOUT TO SAY YES?

BECAUSE YOU FIGHT
ON THE SIDE OF GOOD.

MR. BERGEN.

BERNIE, FITZIE.

- THE BARNEY ROBE!
- EPIC!

I DO IT FOR THE KIDS.

HOO. THERE'S THE BOY.

HEY. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU GUYS?

WE HAD A FIGHT.

FITZ TRIED TO TELL ME IT
WASN'T YOUR BIRTHDAY.

SO YOU CUT HIS TIE OFF?

CHEWED.

HEY, WHY SO TENSE, BIG GUY?

HE'S GOTTA GIVE A SPEECH.

- SPEECH.
- SPEECH.

- SPEECH!
- SPEECH!

[SHOUTING AND
CHEERING FROM INSIDE]

SO?

YOU ALL SET FOR BETHANIE?

YUP.

TONIGHT I AM GOING
TO PLAY IT COOL.

NO GOING UP TO HER, NO
TALKING TO HER EVERY SECOND.

I'M GONNA BE RELAXED,

ENJOY MYSELF, FLIRT
WITH OTHER GIRLS.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST RING
HER DOORBELL AND RUN AWAY?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

I THOUGHT YOUR
BIRTHDAY WAS IN MAY.

NO. THAT WAS JUST A RUMOR

STARTED BY MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

- PUNCH?
- NAH. I GOTTA GET BACK.

THE 2 KNUCKLEHEADS WHO
WERE SUPPOSED TO WORK TONIGHT

CALLED IN SICK.

BUT THEN, THEY DID
ORDER A DOZEN PIZZAS.

I MADE THEM SPECIAL.

MM, THE NUMBER 30
OUT OF BLACK OLIVES.

YEAH. I DO LOVE TO
WORK WITH MY TOPPINGS.

I'M 24.

WHY DID YOU MAKE ME 30?

YOU GET BETTER PRESENTS.

I DON'T WANNA BE 30.

ACT YOUR AGE.

HEY, THERE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

MELISSA, YOU KNOW
IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY.

COME ON. HOW MANY
PEOPLE GET TO TURN 30 TWICE?

JELL-O SHOTS?

OH, THANK YOU.
THAT LOOKS LOVELY.

- I WOULD LOVE ONE.
- NO, THANK YOU.

HELLO, MR. DOOM
AND GLOOM. BE FUN.

OH, THAT IS GOOD.

BE CAREFUL WITH
THEM. THEY'RE LETHAL.

THERE'S NO FAT IN JELL-O.

NO, NO. THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.

I MEAN, THEY'RE
MIXED WITH VOD...

COME ON, POPS, LET'S PARTY.

CROWD: SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH!

HEY, THERE, PARTY GUY!

BETHANIE.

AND IN THIS CORNER,

WEARING THE BLUE DISGUSTING ROBE

THAT HAS NEVER,
EVER BEEN WASHED...

MICHAEL EUGENE BERGEN.

GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT.

COME ON. I WOULDN'T
MISS IT FOR ANYTHING.

WELL, WHAT IF BOTH OF YOUR LEGS

WERE CAUGHT IN A BEAR TRAP

AND... YOU HAD A COLD?

I'D CHEW MYSELF FREE
AND TAKE A DECONGESTANT.

I LOVE A GIRL WITH A PLAN.

BABY NEEDS MORE PUNCH!

BERNIE!

- BETHANIE!
- ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE!

- HEY.
- HEY.

[COUGH]

MOOSE NEED A REFILL.

I'M GOING IN. DO YOU WANNA COME?

UH... NO. I'M JUST
GONNA HANG HERE,

BUT YOU'RE WELCOME TO...

HEY, GUYS, WAIT FOR ME.

EVERYBODY! BETHANIE!

- CROWD: YAY!
- YEAH!

OH, YEAH, THAT'S GONNA STAIN.

- NAZDROWIE!
- NAZDROWIE!

DON'T TELL ME.

DON'T TELL ME.

BETHANIE.

BERG, DO YOU REALIZE

WE'VE KNOWN EACH
OTHER FOR ALMOST 2 YEARS?

2 YEARS?

YEAH. YOU WALKED RIGHT
UP TO ME AT O'MALLEY'S

AND INTRODUCED YOURSELF

AND KNOCKED A PITCHER
OF MARGARITAS INTO MY LAP.

OH, YEAH. I WAS JUST, UH...

TRYING TO PUT THE
FIRE OUT IN YOUR PANTS.

ANYWAY, I... HOH
HOH HOH! OH, GOD!

IT'S OK. IT'S OK.

I'M GONNA GO GET SOME CLUB SODA.

ALL: SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH!

WHAT IS EVERYONE
DOING IN MY ROOM?

WHAT ARE YOU TWO,
OUT OF YOUR MIND?

YOU DIDN'T HAVE
ANY MARTINI GLASSES.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.

EVERYONE OUT. COME ON.

OUT, OUT.

SO, WHAT DID BETHANIE SAY?

OH, BERG.

"OH, BERG" WHAT?

YOU POOR FOOL.

I LOVE HOW YOU NEVER GIVE UP.

GOD, THAT IS JUST SO ROMANTIC.

YOU KNOW, BERG,

YOU MAKE UP FOR ALL THE
DOLL SALESMEN OUT THERE

THAT DON'T EVEN BOTHER TO CALL.

I, UH, THOUGHT YOU
WERE GONNA TELL HER.

NO. YOU WERE GONNA TELL HER.

MAN, WOULD I HATE
TO BE FRIENDS WITH US.

YEAH.

♪ BA DA BA-DA BUM! ♪

- PETE, LET'S DANCE.
- NOT NOW.

GOD, WE NEVER DANCE ANYMORE.

NOW THAT YOU'RE 30,
THINGS ARE CHANGING.

WHERE DID THE TIME GO?

MELISSA, THE TIME WENT
NOWHERE. I'M NOT 30.

YES, YOU ARE.

YOU THINK I'M TOO IMMATURE
FOR YOU, DON'T YOU?

MELISSA, HOW MANY OF
THESE HAVE YOU HAD?

ALL DIFFERENT COLORS...

ALL WORKING TOGETHER.

WHY CAN'T PEOPLE
GET ALONG LIKE JELL-O?

[HUMMING]

[GIGGLING]

ALL RIGHT, YOU DINGBAT, COME ON.

LET'S GET YOU SOME COFFEE.

COFFEE? WE DON'T NEED COFFEE.

WE'RE JELL-O SISTERS!

WHOOOO!

- [THUMP]Sharon: OW!
- Melissa: SORRY.

GOOD PARTY, HUH?

YEAH. OH, IT'S 10:15,

AND YOU'RE IN HERE WITH ME.

- I'M PACING MYSELF.
- BERG?

PACE YOUR ASS OUT THERE

AND TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL.

YOU HAVE 15 MINUTES LEFT.

ALL RIGHT.

I'M GOING IN.

[POLICE SIREN POPS]

DID YOU INVITE THE POLICE?

♪ DUH-DUH DUH ♪
♪ HEY! ♪

♪ DUH-DUH DUH ♪
♪ HEY! ♪

♪ DUH-DUH DUH-DUH DUH-DUH... ♪

UM, I HAVE SOMETHING
REALLY IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU.

SURE.

I'M REALLY, REALLY SORRY
ABOUT THIS, OFFICER.

IT'S MY 30th BIRTHDAY PARTY,

SO A BUNCH OF MY
FRIENDS CAME OVER,

AND I KNOW THINGS GOT
KIND OF OUT OF CONTROL.

HEY, PETE. CAN I
BE OF SOME HELP?

MR. BAUER, HI. HOW ARE YOU?

NO. WE HAVE THINGS
UNDER CONTROL.

CAN I SEE SOME I.D.?

UH, YEAH. YEAH.

YOU DON'T NEED TO
SEE HIS IDENTIFICATION.

WE DON'T NEED TO
SEE HIS IDENTIFICATION.

THIS ISN'T THE PARTY
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.

THIS ISN'T THE PARTY
WE'RE LOOKING FOR.

HE CAN GO ABOUT HIS BUSINESS.

YOU CAN GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

- MOVE ALONG.
- MOVE ALONG.

WOW! MR. BAUER, THANKS.

MAY THE FORCE NOT BE WITH YOU.

GET IT?

YEAH.

SO?

WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT DID SHE SAY?

I JUST WANTED TO
TEST THE WATERS,

SEE HOW IMPORTANT I WAS TO HER.

GREAT, AND...

AND I LOOKED HER
RIGHT IN THE EYE

AND SHE SMILED BACK...

GOOD, AND... AND TOLD HER.

I'M MOVING TO FRANCE.

I'M SORRY. WHAT?

YOU ONLY GAVE ME 15 MINUTES.

IT WAS THE BEST I COULD DO.

BERG, WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?

MOSTLY CLOWNS AND MIMES.

OK. YOU KNOW WHAT?

I GIVE UP. YOU'RE PATHETIC.

EVERYONE, I'M
SORRY. IT'S 10:30...

10:30? FOUNTAIN.

FOUNTAIN!

CROWD: FOUNTAIN!
FOUNTAIN! FOUNTAIN!

SHE DIDN'T EVEN CARE.

"HAVE FUN."

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

I TELL HER I'M MOVING TO FRANCE,

AND SHE SAYS, "HAVE FUN."

WELL, BERG, WHAT KIND
OF GIRL'S GONNA GO,

"OH, SWELL. YOU'RE MOVING
OUT OF THE COUNTRY?

LET'S START A RELATIONSHIP."

CROWD: SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH!

YOU WANNA SPEECH?

ALL RIGHT. HERE'S YOUR SPEECH.

HEY. LOOK WHAT THE GUYS
ON THE SOFTBALL TEAM GOT ME.

AND CHECK OUT THESE. HUH?

YOU GUYS MISSED AN
INCREDIBLE TOURNAMENT...

FULL-CONTACT HOPSCOTCH.

BILL WAS UNSTOPPABLE.

AND BERNIE HIT A
FERN, ROOTS AND ALL.

OK. WHAT PUTS YOU
IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD?

AFTER THEY THREW
ME INTO THE FOUNTAIN,

I HAD A COUPLE OF THESE
TO HELP ME WARM UP,

I LOOKED AROUND
AND SAID, "HEY...

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!"

IT IS NOT YOUR BIRTHDAY.

DON'T BLAME ME BECAUSE BETHANIE'S
OUT THERE HAVING A GREAT TIME

AND YOU'RE HIDING IN
HERE PACKING MY CLOTHES.

WHY ARE YOU PACKING MY CLOTHES?

SO BETHANIE FEELS A PANG OF LOSS

WHEN I WALK OUT THAT FRONT DOOR

ON MY WAY TO FRANCE.

OK. HE'S LOST IT.

YOU GUYS... YOU GUYS
DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL.

OH, COME ON.

AT LEAST BETHANIE SHOWED UP,

WHEREAS I GOT
COMPLETELY BLOWN OFF.

THAT'S EVEN WORSE.

NO, IT'S NOT.

TRUST ME, IT IS.

NO, IT'S NOT.

YES, IT IS.

- OH, YEAH?
- YEAH.

WELL, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW

THAT YOU DIDN'T
EVEN GET BLOWN OFF.

DOLL BOY DID CALL,

AND WE FORGOT TO TELL YOU.

I THINK YOU OWE ME
AN APOLOGY, SISTER.

YOU... AUGH!

OW!

[DOOR SLAMS]

BERG, COME ON.

I WAS JUST STARTING
TO ENJOY MYSELF.

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?

I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING TO YOU.

NO. WHAT HAPPENS
TO YOU HAPPENS TO ME,

AND, RIGHT NOW,
MY LIFE IS A CIRCUS

ALL BECAUSE YOU'RE TRYING
TO GET INTO SOME GIRL'S PANTS.

HEY! IT'S NOT LIKE
THAT, PETE. OK?

- WHOA.
- WOW.

YEAH.

THIS... NO, NO, NO.

THIS CAN'T BE LOVE?

THIS STAYS IN THE ROOM.

WHAT... IS IT ABOUT THIS GIRL

THAT MAKES ME SO CRAZY?

HER VOICE? HER SMILE?

THE FACT THAT SHE DOESN'T
JUST FALL AT YOUR FEET.

YEAH. AND WHAT IS
THE DEAL WITH THAT?

BERG, YOU'RE IN THE
MIDDLE OF A RELATIONSHIP

THAT I DON'T THINK SHE
KNOWS SHE'S HAVING.

MAYBE I SHOULD JUST STICK
WITH WOMEN I DON'T CARE ABOUT.

NO. BERG, YOU HAVE TO TELL HER.

ALL RIGHT? LISTEN TO ME.

I KNOW. YOU KNOW, I'M 30.

THERE YOU ARE.

OH, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PETEY.

THANKS.

I'VE GOTTA TAKE OFF.

I HAVE AN EARLY MEETING.

OH. I THINK I'LL MISS YOU
MOST OF ALL, SCARECROW.

OH, YOU HAVE A SAFE FLIGHT, OK?

OK. UH, BETHANIE.

I NEED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING.

CAN YOU GIVE ME A
RIDE TO THE AIRPORT?

BERG, YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO FRANCE, ARE YOU?

- WELL...
- NO, NO, NO. CUT THE CRAP.

WHAT'S WITH YOU?

YOU'RE RIGHT, I'M NOT.

IN FACT, THIS ISN'T
EVEN MY STUFF.

IT'S PETE'S.

THE TRUTH IS...

- PETE'S DYING.
- BERG.

I'M ACTUALLY GOING
TO THE AIRPORT

TO SEND SOME OF HIS
STUFF AHEAD TO PARIS.

THERE'S A CLINIC THERE.

BUT HE LOOKS SO GREAT.

HE'S RUNNING AROUND, HAVING FUN.

HE WAS SINGING.

YEAH. THAT'S ONE
OF THE SYMPTOMS.

I'M SORRY.

THAT'S OK, MEL.

OH. I HEAVED ON
YOUR NEW SLIPPERS.

THAT'S OK.

I TOLD YOU THOSE
THINGS WERE LETHAL.

BUT THEY WERE SO PRETTY.

Berg: I TOLD HER.

AH, GOOD FOR YOU.

IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION,

WHEN MY UNCLE ROY WAS DYING...

YOU TOLD HER I WAS DYING?

OH, MY GOD!

YOU'RE 30 YEARS
OLD AND YOU'RE DYING!

I'M SO SORRY.

I THOUGHT THAT SHE KNEW.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HELP ME.

FINE.

BETHANIE,

I'M NOT SICK. BERG'S
NOT MOVING TO FRANCE.

I'M 24, AND MY BIRTHDAY
ISN'T UNTIL MAY.

THAT ABOUT COVERS IT, RIGHT?

YEAH.

BERG, WHAT'S WITH ALL
THE LYING AND THE GAMES?

LOOK, BETHANIE... I LIKE YOU.

- I LIKE YOU, TOO.
- NO.

I MEAN, I LIKE YOU LIKE YOU.

OR... LOVE YOU LIKE YOU.

OR... I'D LIKE TO LOVE YOU?

OH, BERG.

I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS MOMENT

- FOR SUCH A LONG TIME.
- ME, TOO.

I JUST ALWAYS HOPED AND PRAYED

IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN.

WHAT WOULDN'T HAPPEN?

THIS.

COME ON, BERG, YOU KNOW,

I LOVE HANGING OUT
WITH YOU AND STUFF.

I JUST... YOU KNOW,

I DON'T FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT YOU.

OH, I'M SORRY.

I THREW THIS WHOLE
PARTY FOR YOU.

THAT'S VERY SWEET.

I DIDN'T ASK YOU TO.

WELL, IT WOULD'VE BEEN A
FAIRLY ODD REQUEST IF YOU HAD.

OH, BERG... CAN WE
STILL BE FRIENDS?

PROBABLY, BUT, UH...

I'VE REALLY HAD MY FILL OF
PERSONAL GROWTH FOR THE DAY.

- BYE.
- BYE.

[TIRED SIGH]

CROWD: SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH!

YOU KNOW WHAT? SPEECH THIS.

CROWD: OH... AW...

ORION... THE HUNTER.

NICE TO SEE YA.
THANKS FOR COMING.

SO, YOU DID IT?

I DID IT.

AND?

ARE YOU PRETENDING YOU WEREN'T
WATCHING FROM THE WINDOW?

ISN'T THAT THE WAY
WE PLAY THIS GAME?

MAN, I'M SURPRISED YOU IDENTIFIED
ME WITHOUT DENTAL RECORDS.

THAT BAD, HUH?

BRUTAL.

GOOD.

I'LL PUNCH YOU
RIGHT IN THE MOUTH.

BERG, I'M SERIOUS.

IT'S GOOD TO GET STOMPED
ON EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.

IT REMINDS US THAT WE'RE HUMAN.

AND THIS MIGHT...

AND NOTICE I SAY "MIGHT"...

MEAN THAT YOU'RE ONE STEP
CLOSER TO A RELATIONSHIP.

WUGGH!

MAN, I GOTTA HAND IT TO YOU.

YOU KNOW, THIS WAS...
IT WAS OUTSTANDING.

MOST PEOPLE, THEY DON'T GET TO
ENJOY THEIR 30th BIRTHDAY PARTY

'CAUSE THEY'RE TOO FREAKED
OUT ABOUT TURNING 30.

WELL, I'M ALWAYS
LOOKING OUT FOR YOU.

AND I GOT TO WATCH YOU SUFFER.

YOU GET ENJOYMENT
OUT OF THAT, HUH?

I REALLY, REALLY DO.

- MY PRESENT TO YOU.
- THANKS.

CROWD: SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH!

SPEAK TO US.

DON'T STOP NOW, BAD BOY.

YOU'RE ON A ROLL.

ALL RIGHT? YOU WANT A SPEECH?

CROWD: YEAH!

A SPEECH.

THE KREMLIN...

A BIG UGLY BUILDING IN RUSSIA

THAT'S SURROUNDED BY FOUNTAINS.

FOUNTAIN!

CROWD: FOUNTAIN!
FOUNTAIN! FOUNTAIN!

WHEE!

♪ J-E-L-L-O ♪

NAH.