Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 1, Episode 7 - Two Guys, a Girl and a Recovery - full transcript

MAN, BERG'S REALLY
BURNING THE MIDNIGHT OIL

WITH THIS MED SCHOOL THING.

YEAH. HE'S OBSESSED.

OK... I NEED TO SEE
SOMEBODY'S RECTUM.

FINE.

OH!

BERG, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU
INVITED THEM BACK HERE.

IT'S JUST NOT RIGHT.

OH, I HEAR YA.

WE'VE GOT TO SET THE MOOD.

MOOD SET.



BERG, I MEAN US, TONIGHT,
AND THESE WOMEN.

EXCUSE ME.

IT IS COMPLETELY RIGHT
AND EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED.

WHO ARE YOU TO
TELL ME WHAT I NEED.

I'M YOUR DOCTOR.

YOU'RE NOT WELL ENOUGH
TO BE ANYONE'S DOCTOR.

AH, NO, THEY FOUND A SPOT.

PETE, THEY MAY CALL
IT A STETHOSCOPE,

BUT THIS IS A BABE MAGNET.

OH, MY GOD, HERE THEY COME.

'CAUSE THEY HAVE NO CHOICE.

BERG, BERG,

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO WITH 2
WOMEN WE PICKED UP IN A BAR?

DON'T MAKE ME GET
MY ANATOMY BOOK.



BERG, WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING
IN COMMON WITH THESE WOMEN.

I DON'T SEE A FUTURE.

ME NEITHER.

BUT I SEE A REALLY FUN PRESENT.

YA GOTTA LEARN TO
GO WITH THE MOMENT.

GOOD, 'CAUSE AT THIS
MOMENT I'D LIKE TO GO.

GO? GO WHAT, HUH?

ANOTHER 2 MONTHS WITHOUT A DATE?

IT'S TIME YOU GOT OVER MELISSA.

I'M ONLY DOING THIS FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW, BERG, I'M
BUYING, LIKE, A TENTH OF THAT.

I'LL TAKE IT.

HEY, GUYS, I REALLY
NEED TO TALK.

ABOUT WHAT?

WELL... TED CALLED ME AGAIN,

AND I MEAN, I DON'T
KNOW... NOT NOW, SHAR.

WE GOT A COUPLE OF
LIVE ONES COMING UP.

OH, HI.

HI.

THIS... REMINDS ME
OF MY SON'S ROOM.

OK, WELL, GUESS
I BETTER LEAVE...

NOW THAT THELMA
AND LOUISE ARE HERE.

WHO WANTS A DRINK?

- UH, SCOTCH.
- VODKA.

OK. 2 BEERS COMING UP. PETE?

UH, NO. I'M GOOD.

SO, UH, WHICH ONE
OF YOU LIVES HERE?

UH, BOTH... LIVE HERE.

SHARE... THE APARTMENT.

A DOCTOR AND AN ARCHITECT
WHO HAVE TO SHARE AN APARTMENT.

UH, TECHNICALLY, WE'RE
STILL IN GRAD SCHOOL.

ACTUALLY, THIS IS JUST

A LITTLE PLACE WE KEEP IN TOWN.

REALLY. WELL, THEN TELL ME, DOC,

WHERE DO YOU LIKE TO
SPEND MOST OF YOUR TIME?

I HAVE A LITTLE PLACE JUST
NORTH OF HERE CALLED, UH...

MY BEDROOM.

THAT'S, UH, SOCRATES.

MOST PEOPLE THINK
IT'S PLATO, BUT...

SOCRATES.

Berg...

BERG.

YES.

WHERE'S VALERIE'S DRINK?

YOU DIDN'T GET HER DRINK.

I MEAN, SHE'S THIRSTY.

HANDLE IT, PETE.

I can't. Berg. I
can't handle it.

YOU SAID YOU'D TRY.

LOOK, VALERIE...

I CAN'T MAKE YOU ANY PROMISES.

CLAUDIA...

UH, EVEN IF SOMETHING
HAPPENS TONIGHT, UM...

IT DOESN'T NECESSARILY
MEAN THAT, YOU KNOW,

YOU'RE THE ONE.

OK, SO I JUST WANTED
TO CLEAR THE AIR

SO NOBODY'S LEADING
ANYBODY ON, OK?

NOW, WITH THAT BEING SAID,

I THINK IT'LL MAKE FOR A
MUCH MORE FUN EVENING.

I'LL BE IN THE CAR.

COME VISIT ME AT
THE BOWLING ALLEY.

YOU... ARE IN DESPERATE
NEED OF REPAIR.

YOU SAW THEM, HUH?

THEY WERE THERE, THEY WERE
CUTE, AND THEY WERE READY.

YEAH. FOR MENOPAUSE.

THEY WERE NOT THAT OLD,

BUT ALL PERSONAL
BITTERNESS ASIDE, PETE BLEW IT.

HEE HEE HEE... IT'S NOT FUNNY.

WHAT IS THE POINT

OF TELLING SOME
SCOTCH-SOAKED BROAD

THAT SHE'S NOT THE ONE?

HEE HEE HEE...

BILL, I'M NOT GONNA
ASK YOU AGAIN.

WHAT WAS PETE THINKING?

PETE'S GOT TO LEARN THAT
WHEN YOU FALL OFF A HORSE,

YOU GOTTA GET RIGHT BACK ON.

EXACTLY RIGHT.

SO WOMEN ARE HORSES?

I GOTTA GO DELIVER THESE SALADS.

FACE IT, BERG,

HE'S NOT JUST GONNA
HOP IN THE SACK

WITH SOME BABE HE
DOESN'T EVEN KNOW.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

FOR HIM, IT'S GOT TO
BE A RELATIONSHIP.

THERE HAS TO BE A FUTURE.

YEAH. WHAT IS WITH THAT?

OUCH!

I'M JUST SAYING HE NEEDS TO
SADDLE UP FOR A QUICK RIDE,

THEN HOP RIGHT OFF.

OW!

SHARON...

YOU'RE NOT DATING ANYONE.

SO?

SO... YOU'RE A BABE.

FORGET IT.

LOOK, SHAR, ASIDE FROM A HOOKER,

YOU'RE THE ONLY GIRL THAT
PETE COULD HAVE SEX WITH

AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY
ABOUT FALLING IN LOVE.

GOSH, BERG, WHEN YOU PUT ME
UP ON THAT KIND OF PEDESTAL...

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

I SO HOPE YOU
HAVE A BACKUP PLAN.

HEY, GUYS.

BILL, I'M SORRY I'M LATE.

I HAD A ROUGH NIGHT.

WE HEARD.

WE LAUGHED.

BERG, DID YOU HAVE
TO TELL EVERYONE?

I DIDN'T HAVE TO.

PETE, I NEVER TOLD YOU THIS...

IS THERE ANY CHANCE
WE CAN KEEP IT THAT WAY?

I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL,

AND I MET THIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE

ON A BEACH ONE SUMMER.

HER NAME WAS SANDY.

SHE WAS FROM AUSTRALIA.

SUMMER LOVIN', PETE,
HAPPENED SO FAST...

TELL ME MORE. TELL ME MORE.

I TOOK HER BOWLING
IN THE ARCADE.

THEN WE HUNG OUT,
DRANK LEMONADE...

LET ME GUESS... YOU MADE OUT...

UNDER THE DOCK.

WE STAYED OUT TILL 10:00.

OK. THAT'S IT. ALL DONE.

LOOK, BERG, I'M SORRY, MAN.

I'M SORRY I RUINED YOUR SHINDIG.

MAN, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME.

IT'S THIS SIMPLE, OK?

YOU'VE JUST COME OFF
THIS MAJOR RELATIONSHIP,

AND NOW YOU'RE LOOKING
FOR ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP

TO FILL THE VOID.

ALL RIGHT.

BUT YOU CAN'T JUST JUMP
FROM ONE RIGHT INTO ANOTHER.

YOU NEED A GIRL TO GET
YOU BACK IN THE SWING,

A SHORT-TERM RELATIONSHIP
WITH NO FUTURE.

BERG'S RIGHT.

WHAT YOU NEED IS A
NICE REBOUND GIRL.

OK. ALL RIGHT, BUT HOW DO
YOU GO OUT WITH SOMEONE

KNOWING IT'S NOT
GONNA GO ANYWHERE?

BERG?

WELL, THAT'S SOMETHING
THAT COMES WITH PRACTICE.

OK. ALL RIGHT, FINE.

WHERE DO I FIND
THIS REBOUND GIRL?

I DON'T KNOW.

SHARON, WHERE DO GUYS MEET YOU?

WHERE'S THE LADLE?

I'M KIDDING, I'M KIDDING.

NOT THE LADLE.

THE NEXT TIME I USE THIS,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
HAVE IT SURGICALLY REMOVED.

THAT'S IT. THAT'S PERFECT.

IT'S REALLY NOT, BERG.

SEE, EVEN AFTER THEY SEW YOU UP,

IT'S STILL A WEEK
BEFORE YOU CAN WALK.

THANK YOU.

NO, NO, NO. I MEANT THE
PERFECT REBOUND GIRL FOR PETE.

WHERE?

IN MED SCHOOL.

COME ON, BERG, I'M FINE.

NO, NO, NO. TRUST ME,
OK? THIS IS PERFECT.

SHE'S SMART, SHE'S BEAUTIFUL,

AND I'M TELLING YOU UP FRONT...

SHE'S ONLY IN TOWN
FOR A FEW WEEKS.

THAT SOUNDS IDEAL.

OH, IT IS IDEAL.

HEH. MY BRAIN IS SO BIG

THAT IT HURTS MY NECK
LUGGING IT AROUND.

SO SHE'S NOT A MED STUDENT,

SHE'S NOT A DOCTOR,
SHE'S NOT A NURSE.

WHAT IS SHE?

SICK.

YOU SET ME UP WITH A PATIENT?

IT'S NOTHING.

SHE'S JUST HAVING
HER LUNGS ROTATED.

COME ON, BERG.

SHE'S RECUPERATING FROM
SOME MINOR RESPIRATORY THING.

YOU'LL LOVE HER.

WAIT A MINUTE.

DOES SHE WHEEZE?

PETE, SHE'S A GREAT GIRL.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HER.

WHAT'S TO KNOW?

SHE ENJOYS ROCK
CLIMBING, HAS 2 DOGS,

AND LOVES ITALIAN OPERA.

BERG, I APPRECIATE
EVERYTHING YOU'RE DOING,

BUT I'M JUST NOT READY YET.

IF YOU'RE NOT READY NOW,
WHEN WILL YOU BE READY, PETE?

IT'S BEEN 2 MONTHS. YOU'VE
COME THIS FAR. JUST MEET HER.

BERG!

LAUREN, THIS IS THE GUY
I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU ABOUT.

PETE DUNVILLE, LAUREN HENDERSON.

LAUREN HENDERSON, PETE DUNVILLE.

LAUREN AND PETE...
MICHAEL BERGEN.

WHY LEAVE MYSELF OUT?

WHEN... I MIGHT AS WELL
JUST LET MYSELF OUT.

OK.

TAKE HIM EVERY 4 HOURS
AND CALL ME IN THE MORNING.

BUON GIORNO.

HOW YOU DOING, PETE?

ALL OF A SUDDEN, MUCH BETTER.

SAME HERE. OH, HAVE A SEAT.

GRAZIE.

BERG. SO HE TOLD YOU
I LIKE ITALIAN OPERA.

YEAH.

LA ROBA LAVATA DEL
NOSTRO VICINO E CADUTA.

THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

IT MEANS OUR NEIGHBOR'S
LAUNDRY HAS FALLEN.

WHOA!

BIG BRAIN.

BILL, MR. BAUER STILL
DOESN'T LIKE THE PIZZA.

HEY, BAUER, WHAT'S
WRONG WITH MY PIZZA?

BILL, I'M AFRAID...
GREASE IS THE WORD.

OH, SIT DOWN.

MAN... GROWNUPS
JUST DO NOT GET ME.

SO... WHAT CAN I GET
YOU 2 LOVEBIRDS?

NOTHING, PETE. WE'RE FINE.

HMM?

SORRY.

HE RECENTLY MET A
GIRL HE REALLY LIKES, SO...

I GUESS THAT MAKES 2 OF US.

EXCELLENT ANSWER.

HOW WE DOING, FOLKS?

UM, TODAY WE HAVE A
BEAUTIFUL SPRING CALZONE

WITH SEASONAL PEPPERS
AND 3 KINDS OF CHEESE,

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.

BILL HAS ALSO PREPARED HIS
FAMOUS CHICKEN SAUSAGE PIZZA.

IT'S THE TALK OF THE
SAUSAGE COMMUNITY.

TAKE ALL THE TIME YOU NEED.

WHAT THE HELL IS
A SPRING CALZONE?

IT'S, UH... IT'S A CALZONE.

IT'S SPRINGTIME.

I MISS THE OLD
PETE, THE SAD PETE.

NOW, HE WAS FUNNY.

I HAVEN'T HAD A GOOD LAUGH IN...

EXACTLY 10 DAYS.

10 GLORIOUS, ROMANTIC DAYS...

ALL THANKS TO THIS GUY.

EVERYONE, LET'S GIVE
IT UP FOR MY PAL BERG.

WHOO-HOO!

ALL RIGHT, SUNSHINE,

GET OVER THERE AND
CHOP SOME ONIONS

UNTIL YOU AT LEAST LOOK SAD.

WE GOTTA TALK.

BERG, HANK.

HANK, MY OBTRUSIVE FRIEND BERG.

HOW YA DOIN'?

SO YOU'RE A MARINE BIOLOGIST?

YEAH, RIGHT, AND...

SHE WORKS FOR A
CHEMICAL COMPANY.

SHE KILLS ALGAE FOR A LIVING.

THERE'S NO FUTURE HERE, HANK.

HO, GOD, WOULD YOU
EXCUSE US FOR JUST A MINUTE?

YEAH. SURE.

STEP INTO MY OFFICE.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

I'M SORRY, BUT THIS IS MAJOR.

WHAT IS SO MAJOR

THAT YOU WERE WILLING
TO RISK THE LADLE?

PETE'S REBOUND
GIRL IS GONNA DIE.

WHAT?

I MISREAD THE CHART.

YOU SET HIM UP
WITH A DYING GIRL?

I DIDN'T KNOW.

OH, MY GOD. POOR PETE.

♪ ANOTHER PLEASANT
VALLEY SUNDAY ♪

♪ HERE IN STATUS
SYMBOL LAND... ♪

WE CAN'T SIT ON THIS.

HOW YA GONNA TELL HIM?

UH... NO WAY.

YOU GOT HIM INTO
THIS, YOU TELL HIM.

IT WASN'T MY FAULT.

SHE WAS SUPPOSED
TO BE A REBOUND GIRL.

HE WASN'T SUPPOSED
TO FALL IN LOVE WITH HER.

DO YOU WANT TO HEAR THE TRUTH,

OR DO YOU WANT TO HEAR
WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR?

WHAT I WANT TO HEAR.

BERG, YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

YOU TOLD HIM ABOUT
THE REBOUND THING.

THEREFORE NONE
OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

HOW COULD SHE NOT HAVE TOLD HIM?

I MEAN, YOU'D
THINK THIS WOULD BE

THE TYPE OF THING
THAT YOU TELL SOMEONE.

- YOU'D THINK.
- HE MUST KNOW.

♪ AND MR. GREEN,
HE'S SO SERENE ♪

♪ HE'S GOT A TV
IN EVERY ROOM... ♪

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT'S THE RULE ON HOW LONG
YOU CAN DATE A REBOUND GIRL?

UH, THE BOOK SAYS ANYWHERE FROM
ONE WEEK TO A MONTH AND A HALF.

OK. THIS COULD WORK.

NOW, IT'S ALMOST BEEN 2 WEEKS.

I JUST GOT TO GET HIM TO BREAK
UP WITH HER BEFORE HE FINDS OUT.

YEAH. THAT'S GOING TO BE EASY.

♪ WHEN THE MOON HITS YOUR EYE ♪

♪ LIKE A BIG PIZZA PIE ♪

♪ THAT'S AMORE ♪

- HANK, I REALLY HAD FUN.
- YEAH. SO DID I.

JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU'RE
NEVER GOING TO MEET SOMEBODY...

I KNOW. TELL ME ABOUT IT.

I'M COMING OFF A
6-YEAR RELATIONSHIP.

SO I'M YOUR REBOUND GIRL?

WELL... YEAH, I GUESS YOU ARE.

WELL, BEATS RENTING VIDEOS.

A FEW WEEKS AGO YOU
WERE MOPING AROUND,

MELISSA THIS, MELISSA THAT,
MELISSA, MELISSA, MELISSA.

NOW LOOK AT YOU.

YEAH, AND I OWE IT ALL TO YOU.

YOU KNOW, WITH LAUREN,

I MEAN, YOU KNOW HOW, LIKE,

I'M ALWAYS, LIKE,
"THIS GIRL'S GREAT,

BUT SHE'S NOT THE
ONE. SHE'S NOT THE ONE."

OF COURSE SHE'S NOT THE ONE.

NO. THAT'S JUST IT.

LAUREN MIGHT BE THE ONE.

AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHY YOU
HAVE TO BREAK UP WITH HER.

WHAT? NO WAY.

PETE, COME ON.

YOU KNOW, THESE RULES HAVE
BEEN CLEARLY ESTABLISHED.

IF LAUREN'S THE ONE,
THEN YOU'RE WASTING HER

AS YOUR REBOUND GIRL,

THEREBY COMPLETELY TAKING
HER OUT OF CONTENTION TO BE...

THE ONE.

SO ACCORDING TO YOU, I
NEED TO BREAK UP WITH LAUREN

TO FIND A GIRL I DON'T LIKE

SO I CAN GET BACK WITH
LAUREN, WHO I'M ALREADY WITH.

NOW YOU GOT IT.

NO, I DON'T.

PETE, THERE'S SOMETHING
I GOT TO TELL YOU.

FIRE AWAY.

LAUREN IS... LAUREN'S WHAT?

NOT... RECUPERATING.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

IT'S JUST A RESPIRATORY THING.

PETE... I WAS WRONG.

I MISREAD THE CHART.

I DON'T THINK THAT SHE
HAS THAT LONG TO LIVE.

BERG, IF YOU'RE SCREWING
AROUND WITH ME...

I WOULDN'T...

YOU SET ME UP WITH
A DYING WOMAN?

I DIDN'T KNOW. I DIDN'T KNOW.

HOW HARD IS IT TO READ A CHART?

THE WRITING IS SO SMALL.

OH...

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

ICE SKATING. WHERE
DO YOU THINK I'M GOING?

I'M GOING TO TALK TO HER.

IT'S PAST VISITING HOURS.
THEY'RE NOT GOING TO LET YOU IN.

THEY WILL IF I'M WITH YOU.

TESTS.

TESTS. SHE'S PROBABLY
DOWNSTAIRS HAVING TESTS.

EVERY DAY THEY DRAG HER
DOWNSTAIRS FOR SOME MORE TESTS.

EXCUSE ME. WE'RE HERE
TO SEE LAUREN HENDERSON.

OH, I'M SORRY, BUT SHE'S GONE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SHE'S GONE?

I'M SORRY.

HEY, GUYS.

UH...

LAUREN! OH!

I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD.

WHO TOLD YOU THAT?

THAT... WOULD BE ME.

YOU MEAN, YOU'RE
NOT GOING TO DIE?

SORRY.

NO. I MEAN, THAT'S...
THAT'S GREAT.

I JUST HAD THIS LITTLE
RESPIRATORY THING.

THEY RELEASED ME.

I LEFT YOU A MESSAGE
ON YOUR HOME MACHINE.

PETE, DO YOU REALIZE
WHAT THIS MEANS?

I READ THE CHART
RIGHT ON MY FIRST TRY.

LAUREN...

I... I THOUGHT I WAS
GOING TO LOSE YOU.

ON MY WAY OVER HERE, I
REALIZED HOW SHORT LIFE IS,

HOW LITTLE TIME WE HAVE.

LOOK, IN 3 WEEKS
MY SEMESTER'S OVER.

LET'S GO SEE PAVAROTTI.

LET'S GO TO ITALY.

LET'S GO SEE PAVAROTTI IN ITALY.

FIRST YOU MIGHT WANT
TO SEE HIM IN YES, GIORGIO.

GEE, PETE... I'M GOING
HOME TO COLORADO.

COLORADO? COLORADO'S SO FAR.

NOT IF YOU'RE IN DENVER.

PETE, YOU CAN COME AND VISIT.

I DON'T WANT TO
JUST COME AND VISIT.

LOOK, LAUREN, ONCE YOU'VE
HAD A NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE,

I MEAN, YOUR WHOLE
OUTLOOK SHOULD CHANGE.

PETE, I DIDN'T HAVE A
NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE.

OK, BUT, I MEAN,
WHAT WE DID HAVE...

DIDN'T THAT MEAN
ANYTHING TO YOU?

NO. IT... IT WAS GREAT.

IT WAS WONDERFUL.

BUT THAT WASN'T WHAT
THIS WAS ALL ABOUT.

I WAS JUST COMING OUT OF
A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP,

AND SO WERE YOU.

YOUR LIFE IS HERE IN BOSTON,

AND MY LIFE IS IN COLORADO.

THAT'S WHY BERG SAID
WE'D BE PERFECT TOGETHER.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SHOULD DO?

MAKE BIGGER CHARTS.

THAT WAY... YOU
COULD WRITE BIGGER.

MY CHARIOT AWAITS.

WE'LL KEEP IN TOUCH.

SURE.

WH-WH-WH-WHERE YOU GOING?

I'M GOING TO THE
PSYCHIATRIC WARD...

TO FIND OUT WHY
I'M FRIENDS WITH YOU.

THERE YOU ARE. WE
WERE WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

I JUST NEEDED A LITTLE TIME.

WELL, BY CHANCE, IN THAT TIME

DID YOU MANAGE TO
FIND THE BRIGHT SIDE?

'CAUSE WE JUST COULDN'T.

NAH. I'M STILL WORKING ON IT.

I DO WANT TO THANK YOU, THOUGH.

OH... THAT'S SO NOT NECESSARY.

FOR INTRODUCING ME TO A WOMAN

WHO BROKE MY HEART
TWICE IN 8 MINUTES.

WHILE I WAS
MOURNING HER PASSING,

SHE POPPED OUT OF
THE JOHN TO DUMP ME.

BUT THROUGH ALL THIS, YOU HAVEN'T
EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT MELISSA.

THAT I'LL GIVE YOU.

ALL PART OF MY MASTER PLAN.

YOU ARE JUST A
BIG, LONG PROBLEM.

I SAY WE GO GRAB A DRINK. SHAR?

OK. LET'S DO IT.

I'LL TELL YOU THIS...

I AM DEFINITELY READY
TO START DATING AGAIN.

ALL RIGHT, PETE.

NO RELATIONSHIP COULD
POSSIBLY END WORSE THAN THIS ONE.

I LOVE A CHALLENGE.

♪ ANOTHER PLEASANT
VALLEY SUNDAY ♪

♪ CHARCOAL BURNING EVERYWHERE ♪

♪ SEE MRS. GRAY,
SHE'S PROUD TODAY ♪

♪ BECAUSE HER
ROSES ARE IN BLOOM ♪

♪ AND MR. GREEN,
HE'S SO SERENE ♪

♪ HE'S GOT A TV IN EVERY ROOM ♪