Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 1, Episode 6 - Two Guys, a Girl and a Softball Team - full transcript

SHOWER DRAIN STILL CLOGGED?

YEP.

LOOK AT US, PETE.

DOES LIFE SEEM DULL LATELY?

NOT ANYMORE, NOW THAT I
HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO DRIVE

WITH ONE EYE.

SO, FUN DAY AT THE PARK?

I GOT KICKED OFF THE TEAM.

NOW WHAT'D YOU DO?

I SPIKED THE SECOND BASEMAN.

THAT'S ALL PART OF THE GAME.



OUR SECOND BASEMAN.

- OOH.
- OOH. YEAH,
THAT'S WRONG.

I'M IN RIGHT FIELD.

I CUT OFF A BALL IN THE GAP

AND FIRE A ROCKET TO SECOND.

SCHMUCKO DROPS IT,

THEN TELLS ME, "TRY NOT TO
THROW OUT YOUR SHOPPING ARM."

THAT'S WHEN I RAN IN,

AND I CLEATED
HIM IN THE SHIN. HA!

THESE COED SOFTBALL
LEAGUES ARE ALL SEXIST.

COED?

AS IN BOYS AND GIRLS
WORKING, TOILING,

SWEATING TOGETHER
TOWARDS A COMMON GOAL?

HARDLY.



THEY'RE FORCED TO HAVE
AT LEAST 2 GIRLS ON THE TEAM.

SO THEY HIDE ONE IN RIGHT FIELD

AND BURY THE OTHER
ONE AS DESIGNATED HITTER.

THAT'S 'CAUSE THEY WANT TO WIN.

KIDDING! KIDDING! KIDDING!

YOU KNOW... I HAVE
THE PERFECT SOLUTION.

COME PLAY ON OUR TEAM.

YEAH!

WE DON'T HAVE A TEAM.

PETE, I HAVE A DREAM.

A DREAM...

WHERE WOMEN ARE
FREE TO ROAM ALL FIELDS,

NOT JUST RIGHT,
BUT CENTER... LEFT...

AND, YES... EVEN SHORTSTOP.

EVEN PITCHER?

SORRY, KITTEN,
THAT'S MAN'S WORK.

I AM FUR...

PETE, HERE'S THE ROSTER.

YOU, ME,

AND 7 GORGEOUS BABES IN
SKINTIGHT BASEBALL PANTS.

THAT SOUNDS GREAT.

BUT YOU KNOW ME, I HATE TO LOSE.

WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT LOSING?

WHAT IS THE NUMBER ONE COLLEGIATE
WOMEN'S SPORT IN THE COUNTRY?

- AFTER THAT.
- BASKETBALL.

- VOLLEYBALL.
- AFTER THAT.

- SOFTBALL.
- SOFTBALL.

AND WHAT'S THE CITY...

WITH THE MOST COLLEGES?

BOSTON.

RIGHT-O.

WE RECRUIT 7 GORGEOUS RINGERS

FROM THE FINEST WOMEN'S
SOFTBALL TEAMS IN BOSTON.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

PLAY BALL.

WE'LL PRACTICE.

BILL, IF YOU SPONSOR US,

IT'LL BE GREAT PUBLICITY
FOR THE PIZZA PLACE.

YEAH, LIKE THE 1985 BEACON
STREET LITTLE CHEESES.

THEY MADE THE HEADLINES.

FOR BEING THE FIRST TEAM
IN LITTLE LEAGUE HISTORY

TO LOSE EVERY GAME.

THEY WERE ALWAYS DROWNING
THEIR SORROWS IN MY FREE PIZZAS.

THEY GOT SO FAT, I HAD TO DRIVE
THEM TO THE GAME IN GROUPS OF 3.

BUT THIS ISN'T LITTLE LEAGUE.

THIS IS US. IT'LL BE FUN.

COME ON, BILL.

I BET YOU WERE QUITE
AN ATHLETE IN YOUR DAY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, IN MY DAY?

DID I SAY IN MY DAY?

WELL, I CAN'T PLAY, ANYWAY.

ELLEN WON'T LET ME WEAR A CUP.

EXCUSE ME?

WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE KIDS,

AND ELLEN READ SOME
ARTICLE AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

THAT YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED
TO HEAT UP YOUR NU...

YOUR TE... YOUR... AREA.

COME ON, BILL.

HEY, HEY, HEY!

THE MAN SAID NO.

NO MEANS NO.

THANK YOU, BERG.

GUESS THE LEAGUE CHAMP THIS YEAR

WILL BE TESSIO'S PIZZERIA.

- TESSIO'S?
- YEAH.

YOU KNOW, OUR FRIENDS
DOWN THE STREET,

THE ONES WHO SLIP THEIR COUPONS

INTO OUR PIZZA BOXES.

WHEN THEY'RE NOT DOING THAT,

THEY'RE OUT THERE WINNING
BIG SOFTBALL TROPHIES

WITH NO ONE TO STOP THEM.

BUT NO BIG DEAL.

WHEN DO YOU NEED THE UNIFORMS?

IF WE GET OUR ROSTER IN
BY THE END OF THE WEEK,

WE'LL HAVE A GAME THIS SATURDAY.

WHEN DO WE PLAY TESSIO'S?

WEEK AFTER THAT.

BILL, WHERE YOU GOING?

AS A GESTURE OF
SPORTSMANSHIP AND GOODWILL,

I'M GOING TO GO OVER TO TESSIO'S

AND WISH HIM THE BEST OF LUCK.

AND AS I'M LEAVING,

I'M GONNA STICK MY MENU
IN HIS FRONT WINDOW.

YEAH!

OK. SO WHEN DO WE GET
TO MEET THESE RINGERS

YOU'VE BEEN BRAGGING ABOUT?

NO TIME LIKE THE PRESENT.

SHARON, PETE... LET'S GIVE IT UP

FOR YOUR BEACON
STREET PIZZA ALL-STARS.

MEET OUR OUTFIELD.

MADELYN... JENNIFER...
AND MICHELLE.

OUR THIRD BASEMAN,

LEANNE "THE RIFLE" REGALBUTO.

AND THIS... IS... BUNNY.

HI.

HI.

DO YOU EXPECT ME

TO PLAY WITH A
TEAM FULL OF CHICKS?

HEY, SQUIRT,

THREE OF US PLAY
FOR BOSTON COLLEGE.

I PLAY FOR FLORIDA STATE.

AND I PLAY THE MAIN STAGE

AT TOPLESS, TOPLESS, TOPLESS.

SHE STRIPS TO TAKE ME
OUT TO THE BALL GAME.

WAIT, SHARON, WHAT'S THE MATTER,

YOU AFRAID YOU'RE NOT GONNA
BE THE BEST GIRL ON THE TEAM?

WE'LL SEE.

ALL RIGHT, GIRLS,
LET'S HIT THE CAGES.

OH, I DON'T FEEL LIKE DANCING.

THE BATTING CAGES.

OH.

YES!

WE'VE GOT 8 PLAYERS.
WE'RE ONE SHORT.

I KNOW. I WAS COUNTING ON BILL,

BUT THIS CUP THING
CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD.

ALL RIGHT, WHO WE GONNA GET?

YOU KNOW, I LOVE BASEBALL.

BUT THEY SAID I THREW
THE WORLD SERIES.

I WAS BANNED FROM THE GAME.

THOUGHT I WOULD
NEVER PLAY AGAIN.

THEN, ONE DAY,

THIS KOOK IN IOWA
TEARS UP HIS FARM

TO MAKE A BASEBALL FIELD.

HE BUILT IT... WE CAME.

THAT'S... THAT'S TERRIFIC.

LISTEN, UM... WE'RE JUST GONNA
STEP OVER HERE INTO REALITY.

YES!

IT'S PINBALL GIRL.

GOD, SHE COMES IN
HERE JUST TO TORTURE ME.

Ease his pain.

LOOK, PETE,

YOU'VE BEEN DROOLING
OVER THIS GIRL FOR 3 MONTHS.

GO TALK TO HER.

SHE'S WAY OUT OF MY LEAGUE.

Go the distance.

PETE, DON'T YOU SEE? NOW
WE HAVE A SOFTBALL TEAM.

DON'T FORGET WHY
WE GOT INTO THIS.

WHAT, TO BE SHALLOW
AND TO MANIPULATE WOMEN?

THERE YOU GO.

CAN I HAVE SOME CHANGE?

UH...

THANKS.

Don't be a wuss.

EXCUSE ME. CAN I
TALK TO YOU FOR A...

HI, UM, YOU KNOW, I
COULDN'T HELP BUT NO...

HEY, LOOK, YOUR DAD WANTS
TO PLAY CATCH WITH YOU.

UM... I... I COULDN'T
HELP BUT NOTICE

THAT YOU ARE A REALLY
GOOD PINBALL PLAYER.

NOBODY HITS THE CRAZY
HORSE MULTI-BONUS BALL

- MORE THAN YOU.
- THANKS.

SO YOU MUST BE
GREAT AT SOFTBALL.

WHY IS THAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

BUT... BUT, UH...
MY FRIEND AND I

ARE STARTING UP A TEAM,

AND WE'RE LOOKING
FOR A NINTH PLAYER.

I LOVE SOFTBALL.

WHEN I WAS LITTLE,

I USED TO PLAY WITH MY BROTHERS.

I USED TO BEG THEM
TO LET ME PITCH.

THAT'S FUNNY, 'CAUSE WE'RE
LOOKING FOR A PITCHER.

CAN YOU GET ME ON THE TEAM?

UH... I-I'LL HAVE
TO ASK THE COACH.

COACH SAYS YES.

ALL RIGHT.

- I'M PETE.
- APRIL.

SO I'LL SEE YOU SATURDAY,
3:00 AT BILL BUCKNER PARK.

I'LL BE THERE.

OK.

PETE DUNVILLE WITH
THE PLAY OF THE DAY.

HEY...
- HOW'D MY TEAM DO?
- 16-0.

THE UMPIRE CALLED THE GAME

AFTER THE FIRST INNING.
IT'S CALLED A "MERCY RULE."

IT SAVES THE LOSING TEAM

FROM FURTHER EMBARRASSMENT.

ALL RIGHT, BEACON STREET PIZZA!

BRING THE TEAM IN.

I'LL GIVE THEM ALL
FREE... MEDIUM SALADS.

THANKS, BILL.

TESSIO IS GOING DOWN.

ARE YOU, LIKE, A
COMPULSIVE LIAR,

OR CAN YOU CONTROL IT?

I DIDN'T LIE. I SAID 16-0.

I JUST DIDN'T TELL HIM THAT
WE WERE... THE NOTHING.

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE LOST TO...

FLOWERS BY BRUCE.

SHAR, SHAKE IT OFF.

IT WAS OUR FIRST
GAME. WE'LL GET BETTER.

YEAH, IF WE SHOOT
APRIL IN THE HEAD.

OH, YOU KNOW...

YOU KNOW, IT'S SO
EASY TO BLAME APRIL.

ACTUALLY, PETE, IT IS.

SHE WALKED THE FIRST 12 BATTERS.

ALL RIGHT, BUT THEN
SHE SETTLED DOWN.

SHE FOUND HER RHYTHM.

HER HOME-RUN RHYTHM.

WHAT WAS THAT, 6 IN A ROW?

YOU SHOULD'VE PULLED HER.

YOU TOLD ME I COULD PITCH.

SHARON, YOU'RE OVERREACTING.

"THANK YOU FOR
OUR FIRST-EVER WIN.

FLOWERS BY BRUCE."

IT WAS FUN.

YOU KEEP IN TOUCH.

WELL... LOOK WHO MADE A FRIEND.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT!

APRIL'S NOT PITCHING
AGAINST TESSIO'S.

I AM.

YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH
THAT, I'LL CLEAT YOUR ASS.

CAN I TAKE THESE FLOWERS?

THEY WOULD REALLY
BRIGHTEN UP MY KITCHEN.

WHAT IS WITH HER?

WHAT IS WITH YOU?

WHAT HAPPENED TO
"MR. I HATE TO LOSE"?

HE FINALLY MET PINBALL GIRL.

WELL, GOOD FOR YOU.

BUT THAT DOESN'T HELP ME
WITH THE REST OF THE GIRLS.

THEY WANT APRIL OUT.

BUNNY, QUITE FRANKLY,
WAS EMBARRASSED.

BUNNY.

THE EXOTIC POLE DANCER IN
RIGHT FIELD WAS EMBARRASSED.

SHE'S A CHAMPION POLE DANCER.

THEY RETIRED HER THONG.

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

FORGET IT. APRIL LOVES TO PITCH,

AND I WANT APRIL TO
LOVE ME. END OF STORY.

BOYS... HEH HEH HEH...

I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE

WITH THAT STUFFED PEPPER TESSIO.

MADE A LITTLE BET
ON SATURDAY'S GAME.

HOW LITTLE?

WE'RE TALKING LITTLE, RIGHT?

OH, NO. AFTER WE
KICK TESSIO'S BUTT,

HE AND HIS DELIVERY BOYS

HAVE TO STAND IN FRONT
OF THEIR OWN RESTAURANT

AND PASS OUT FLIERS
FOR BEACON STREET PIZZA.

HA HA HA.

THAT DOESN'T SOUND SO BIG.

DRESSED AS MEATBALLS
AND CALZONES.

AND SO, UH... IF
WE WERE TO LOSE...

16-0. HEY, MY BOYS
AREN'T GONNA LOSE.

MY BOYS ARE WINNERS. HEH HEH.

DON'T WORRY.

I THINK YOU LOOK
GOOD IN ANYTHING.

THERE ARE 3 THINGS I DON'T WEAR.

SANDALS, TURTLENECKS...
AND ITALIAN FOOD.

LOOK, JUST TELL APRIL

SHE CAN PLAY RIGHT FIELD.

SHARON WILL PITCH, AND
WE'LL MOVE BUNNY TO SECOND

SO SHE CAN BE
CLOSER TO ME ON FIRST.

HI, COACH.

CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?

HE'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

YOU'RE DOING HER A FAVOR.

SHE'S HUMILIATING
HERSELF OUT THERE!

YEAH, I KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT,

BUT SHE LOOKS SO
CUTE IN HER UNIFORM.

JUST RELAX, OK?
TAKE A DEEP BREATH.

NOW, I WANT YOU TO
PICTURE YOU AND ME

DRESSED UP AS A NUMBER 4 COMBO.

HEY, COACH.

APRIL.

TOUGH GAME TODAY.

YEAH, YEAH.

YOU KNOW, APRIL...

PETE, YOU ARE SO WONDERFUL.

ANYONE ELSE WOULD'VE
PULLED ME OUT OF THE GAME

AND STUCK ME IN RIGHT FIELD.

YEAH, BUT YOU SEE...

BUT I KNOW YOU HAVE
CONFIDENCE IN ME, SO NEXT GAME...

I'M GONNA PROVE YOU RIGHT.

- BUT...
- BUT I KNOW IT WON'T BE EASY,

SO WE'RE GONNA HAVE
TO WORK TOGETHER

EVERY NIGHT THIS WEEK.

EVERY NIGHT?

AND AFTER THE GAME...
WE CAN CELEBRATE...

AT MY PARENTS'
HOUSE ON THE CAPE.

THEY'RE IN EUROPE.

SO, WHAT WERE YOU GONNA TELL ME?

I...

ICE THAT ARM.

REALLY LOOSEN IT UP.

OHH... THAT'S BETTER.

LUCKY I'M A DOCTOR.

YOU HAD A BIG
KNOT IN YOUR THIGH.

THANKS.

YOU KNOW, I'M THINKING
OF SPECIALIZING...

IN EXOTIC DANCE MEDICINE.

- BERG.
- BILL.

BILL! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I COME TO SEE MY
TEAM KILL TESSIO'S!

WHY ARE THE CHEERLEADERS
PLAYING CATCH?

THOSE AREN'T THE CHEERLEADERS.

THAT'S THE TEAM.

YOU SEE, IT'S A COED LEAGUE.

I KNOW, BUT YOU
ONLY NEED 2 GIRLS.

YOU HIDE ONE IN RIGHT FIELD,

AND YOU BURY THE OTHER
ONE AT DESIGNATED HITTER.

OH, APRIL, PUT A JACKET
ON THAT PITCHING ARM.

APRIL?

YOUR PITCHER'S NAME IS APRIL?

- HI. I'M BUNNY.
- RIGHT FIELD.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

A MEATBALL AND A CALZONE.

LOOK AT THE SIZE OF
THOSE GUYS FROM TESSIO'S.

OH, MY GOD. THOSE ARE THE WOMEN.

PLAY BALL!

Woman: START US OFF!

Second woman: UP THE MIDDLE!

Third woman: CUTE SHOES.

Fourth woman: THANKS.

OK.

GOING OUT ON A LIMB HERE,

BUT I'M GUESSING YOU HAVEN'T
TOLD APRIL SHE'S NOT THE PITCHER.

FINALLY! OUR FIRST HIT!

OF THE GAME! WHOO-HOO!

LOOK, I'M TELLING YOU,

SHE'S BEEN WORKING
REALLY HARD ALL WEEK.

IT'S ONLY FAIR TO LET HER START.

ALL RIGHT!

ALL RIGHT!

THESE CHEERLEADERS GOT GAME!

- ALL RIGHT, I'M UP.
- WHOA, WHOA.

SEND IN ONE OF THE GIRLS.

- YO, MADELYN,
GRAB A BAT.
- HA HA HA!

HEY, TESSIO, YOU DON'T
KNOW A STRIKE ZONE

FROM A CALZONE.

I JUST MADE THAT UP.

REALLY?

OHH! WHOO-HOO!

BASES LOADED!

HA HA HA!

ALL RIGHT, I'M UP.

BUT LISTEN,

IF APRIL STARTS SUCKING
UP A STORM OUT THERE,

YOU'RE GONNA PULL HER
OUT AND PUT IN SHARON.

WE CAN'T AFFORD
TO LOSE THIS... GAME.

OK, BUT IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I HAVE SOME RUNNERS TO DRIVE IN.

I THINK YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO TAKE THAT UP

WITH THE NATURAL.

ALL RIGHT, APRIL,
FIRE IT IN THERE.

BALL 3!

HEY, PETE, WHAT SIZE
MEATBALL DO YOU WEAR?

TIME-OUT, TIME-OUT.

- I KNOW, I HAVE TO STEP
TOWARD THE PLATE.
- NO, IT'S FINE.

MY RELEASE POINT'S OFF.
IT'S MY CONCENTRATION.

I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT
YOU AND ME AT THE CAPE.

REMEMBER, BETWEEN THE
SHOULDERS AND THE KNEES.

GREAT... GREAT JOB, APRIL.

YOU'RE THE BEST.

OK, SHE'S GOT TO GO.

SHE'S REALLY LOOKING FORWARD

TO TAKING ME TO THE CAPE.

IF YOU DON'T PULL APRIL OUT
RIGHT NOW, WE'RE GONNA LOSE.

ARE YOU WILLING TO
SACRIFICE THE TEAM

- JUST SO YOU CAN HAVE SEX?
- YES.

I'VE GOTTA RESPECT THAT.

- YOU DO?
- ABSOLUTELY.

DAMN! I WISH I
COULD RESPECT THAT.

LOOK, THIS IS ALL WRONG.

IT'S ALL WRONG.

I CAN'T DO IT TO THE TEAM.

APRIL. ALL RIGHT,
UH... RIGHT FIELD.

BUNNY, SECOND BASE.

- SHARO...
- COUGH UP THE ROCK.

HEY, WHOA. LISTEN.

TESSIO... HE LOVES
TO CROWD THE PLATE.

NOT MY PLATE.

Umpire: PLAY BALL!

WELL, WELL, WELL.

LOOK WHO'S ON THE MOUND.

TINKER BELL.

DON'T HURT YOUR DUSTING ARM.

HEY, YOU HIT TESSIO!

HE WAS CROWDING THE PLATE.

YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE.

- COME ON!
- COME ON! YEAH!

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
I CAN'T HIT YOU.

YOU'RE A GIRL.

THEY'RE ALL GIRLS.

EXCEPT THOSE TWO.

HEY, IT WAS NICE
WORKING WITH YOU.

IT'S BEEN A REAL PLEASURE.

EAT AT TESSIO'S,
BEST PIZZA IN BOSTON.

PETE, SMILE.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

MY SAUCE IS CROOKED.

SAY CHEESE!

BITE ME!

HEH HEH HEH HEH!

OH, MAN. BERG,
BILL IS NEVER, EVER

GONNA FORGIVE US FOR THIS.

OH, RELAX. HE'S GOT A
HEALTHY SENSE OF HUMOR.

I'M NOT EVEN
TALKING TO YOU GUYS.

NOW, HOW CAN YOU TELL ME
THAT GENETIC ENGINEERING

COULD POSSIBLY BENEFIT SOCIETY?

THROUGHOUT HUMAN HISTORY,

WE HAVE BEEN FRIGHTENED BY
TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENT,

YET WE'VE ALWAYS ADAPTED TO IT.

HE'S RIGHT. IT'S NOT THE TECHNOLOGICAL
ADVANCEMENTS THAT WE SHOULD FEAR,

BUT THE MISAPPLICATION
OF IT BY UNSTABLE MINDS.

UH-HUH. UH-HUH.