Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 1, Episode 5 - Two Guys, a Girl and an Apartment - full transcript

PETE, THEY'RE LEAVING.

BYE, SHARON.

BYE, SHARON'S DATE.

HEY, SHARON, YOU'RE RIGHT.

HE DOES LOOK LIKE A
YOUNG SEAN CONNERY.

REMEMBER, YOU JUST MET.

NO FARTHER THAN SECOND BASE.

OH, SHE HATES US SO MUCH.

THIS IS DRIVING ME CRAZY.

TELL ME ABOUT IT. SO FAR
I'VE COUNTED 6 OTTOMANS

AND ONLY 2 CHAIRS.



WHAT COULD MRS. WEXLER
POSSIBLY DO WITH 6 OTTOMANS?

OK, SUNDAY IS OUR ONE-YEAR
ANNIVERSARY FOR MELISSA AND I.

AND I KNOW SHE'S GOING
TO MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT.

WHY DO I SMELL PEACHES?

10:30 A.M.

AFTER 24 HOURS OF
TESTING PEACHY KEEN CREAM,

MY SKIN FEELS UNUSUALLY
SOFT AND SUPPLE.

HEY, MAN, HOW YOU DOING?

WAIT, WAIT, "MICHELE BERGEN?"

THEY'RE ONLY TAKING WOMEN.

OH, WHAT AM I GOING TO
DO WITH YOU, MICHELE?

HERE. LET ME HELP YOU WITH THAT.

OH, THAT'S GOOD.
WHY DON'T YOU GUYS

JUST LIE RIGHT ACROSS THE STEPS?



PETE, LOOK, SARCASM.

DO YOU HAVE ANY
IDEA HOW HAPPY I AM

THAT WOMAN IS
FINALLY MOVING OUT?

MEANWHILE, YOU STEAL
HER TV GUIDE EVERY WEEK.

OH, LIKE SHE EVER KNEW.

MRS. WEXLER!

OH, WE'RE SURE GONNA MISS YOU.

YEAH, AND YOUR OATMEAL
BUTTERSCOTCHIES.

YOU'RE SUCH SWEET BOYS.

GOOD-BYE, PETER.

SO LONG, BERG.

MRS. WEXLER,

I'M REALLY SORRY
TO SEE YOU LEAVE.

I'M SURE YOU ARE.

NOW HOW ARE YOU GOING
TO KNOW WHAT'S ON TV?

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.

HOW DID YOU KNOW?

MELISSA TOLD ME.

OH, YOU HEAR THAT. SHE'S
TELLING THE NEIGHBORS.

IT IS MELISSA, ISN'T IT?

MM-HMM.

THE LITTLE SCHOOL TEACHER

WHO LAUGHS DURING INTERCOURSE?

UM, YES, THAT'S, UM... YES.

GOD BLESS HER.

I GUESS SHE'LL BE YUCKING
IT UP ON SUNDAY NIGHT.

YOU HEAR THAT? I MEAN,
MELISSA'S TELLING EVERYONE.

SHE'S COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL.

YEAH. WE SHOULD GET SOMEONE
REALLY GREAT TO MOVE IN HERE.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WE'LL JUST SET UP OUR
OWN SCREENING PROCESS

BEFORE ANYBODY EVEN
GETS TO THE LANDLORD.

AND HOW DO YOU
PROPOSE TO DO THAT?

HA HA. I STILL HAVE MRS.
WEXLER'S SPARE KEY

SHE GAVE ME FOR EMERGENCIES.

AND TV GUIDES.

SHUT UP.

WE'LL JUST SHOW THE
APARTMENT OURSELVES.

SNEAKY.

VAGUELY UNETHICAL.

APPROVED.

PETE, PETE, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I DON'T KNOW.

I MEAN, I'VE ONLY BEEN
WITH HER FOR A YEAR.

WHY IS SHE DOING THIS TO ME?

OK, SO BASICALLY,
YOU WANT SOMEBODY

WHO'S NOT GOING TO BUG YOU.

SOMEONE WHO TRAVELS.

OH, SOMEONE THAT
TRAVELS WOULD BE HUGE.

SHE'S PROBABLY GOT HER
ENTIRE KINDERGARTEN CLASS

CRANKING OUT MACARONI CARDS.

A PILOT WOULD BE GREAT.

WE SHOULD INVEST
EVERYTHING WE HAVE IN RONZONI.

OR EVEN BETTER THAN A PILOT...

A STEWARDESS.

THEY'RE CALLED FLIGHT
ATTENDANTS NOW, BERG.

I APOLOGIZE. THAT WAS SEXIST.

NO KIDDING. AND I AM NOT
ABOUT TO LIVE NEXT DOOR

TO SOME SHORT-SKIRTED SKY SLUT.

HEY, LET'S TAKE A VOTE. PETE?

MY GOD, I HAVE
TO GET HER A GIFT!

SEE? THAT'S 2 FOR STEWARDESSES.

WHY DO I SMELL PEACHES?

PETE, A LITTLE HELP HERE.

YOU GOT IT.

BERG!

YOU'VE BEEN ON THE
CLOCK FOR 45 MINUTES

AND YOU'VE ALREADY
HAD 7 SLICES OF PIZZA.

I'M HUNGRY.

SO IS MY FAMILY.

3:15. STARTING TO EXPERIENCE

AN UNUSUAL INCREASE IN APPETITE.

AND BILL'S BEING MEAN.

AHEM. YOU'LL NEVER GUESS

WHERE I FOUND OUR FLYER, BERG.

AT THE GYM.

AT THE GYM?

YEAH. IN THE WOMEN'S
LOCKER ROOM.

NO!

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW
HOW YOU GOT IT IN THERE.

OH, THAT REMINDS ME.

I'VE GOTTA GIVE YOU
YOUR SUNDRESS BACK.

HEY, GUYS, LOOK WHAT I JUST
FOUND IN THE LADIES' ROOM.

ISN'T THIS YOUR BUILDING?

OK, NOW, THAT'S A COINCIDENCE.

YEAH, THAT'S OUR BUILDING.

WELL, SINCE WHEN DID YOU
TWO BECOME THE LANDLORD?

SINCE WE CHANGED THE
NUMBER ON THE "FOR RENT" SIGN

TO SHARON'S APARTMENT.

SNEAKING INTO LADIES' ROOMS?

THAT IS JUST LOW.

DON'T GET SANCTIMONIOUS
WITH ME, MISSY.

WHERE'D YOU PUT YOUR FLYERS?

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT YOU NOW.

I SAID, "WHERE?"

COUPLE OF MONASTERIES,
THE YOGA INSTITUTE.

SCHOOL FOR THE DEAF.

UH-HUH.

SO SHE WANTS SOMEONE LOW-KEY

AND LOW-MAINTENANCE
AND HE WANTS...

ULTRA BABES. RIGHT.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, WE
SHOULD CHECK YOUR MACHINE.

OH, GOOD IDEA.

I BET DOZENS OF NAKED
WOMEN HAVE CALLED BY NOW.

LOOK, YOU GUYS, I'M SURE
YOU'LL FIND A COMPROMISE.

I MEAN, MAYBE A DEAF
MUTE WITH A DOUBLE-D CUP.

YUMMY.

I GOTTA GO, SWEETIE.

I HAVE TO BE AT THE
SUPPLY STORE BY 5:00.

MONDAY'S PAPER MACHE DAY.

YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT?

I CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW NIGHT.

YEAH, ME, TOO.

MAN, SHARON, WHAT
AM I GOING TO DO?

SHH, I CAN'T HEAR.

OH, THIS ONE MUST
BE ONE OF YOURS.

SOME GIRL NAMED HONEY LABRADOR.

SHE SOUNDS NAKED.

OOPS, I DELETED IT.

HELLO. A LITTLE HELP.

HERE YOU GO, SHARON.

THANKS, BILL.

DID I LEAVE? AM I HERE?

WHAT? WHAT?

WHAT AM I GOING TO GET
MELISSA FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY?

I DON'T KNOW. HOW
ABOUT A NICE BRACELET?

ARE YOU KIDDING?

WHAT?

LOOK, SHARON, THE
BRACELET, AS WE ALL KNOW,

IS JUST A LARGER MEMBER
OF THE RING FAMILY.

AND THAT I'M NOT READY FOR.

HOW ABOUT A CAPPUCCINO MAKER?

NO, IT'S TOO INTIMATE.

COFFEE MAKER?

POSSIBLY, IF IT'S A 10-CUPPER,

BUT ANYTHING SMALLER,
WE'RE, YOU KNOW,

CELEBRATING THE
MOMENTS OF OUR LIVES.

HEY, BILL, WHAT
DID YOU GET ELLEN

LAST YEAR FOR YOUR ANNIVERSARY?

WELL, I GOT THIS PICTURE
OF US AND PUT IT IN A FRAME.

YEAH, IT WAS A PICTURE
OF ME AND ELLEN

WALKING ON THE
BEACH AT THE CAPE.

AND I TOOK THESE LITTLE
SEASHELLS THAT WE COLLECTED.

AND I BLEACHED
THEM, POLISHED THEM,

GLUED THEM AROUND THE FRAME.

EVEN SPRINKLED GLITTER ON THEM

SO THAT THEY SHIMMERED
LIKE THE WAVES...

WHAT?

THAT IS SO SWEET.

SEE, NOW WHY DON'T YOU DO THAT?

UH-UH. NO. A PICTURE
SAYS PORTRAIT.

A PORTRAIT SAYS FAMILY.

AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

I DON'T WANNA LEAD HER ON.

I KNOW. WHY DON'T
YOU GIVE HER A PICTURE

OF YOU IN BED WITH ANOTHER GIRL?

YOU KNOW, SO AS
NOT TO LEAD HER ON.

COME ON, SHARON, I LOVE HER.

THEN THE GIFT SHOULD SAY THAT.

WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT?

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT
IT TO SAY TOO MUCH.

YOU KNOW, PETE,
NOTHING SAYS I LOVE YOU

LIKE A PATHETIC
LACK OF COMMITMENT.

COME ON, BERG, IT'S SATURDAY

AND OUR ANNIVERSARY'S TOMORROW.

PETE, IN MY EXPERIENCE,

THE GIFT OF SAYING I LOVE YOU

IS ALL YOU REALLY NEED.

I APPRECIATE THAT, MR. BAUER.

ON OUR ANNIVERSARY, MY TRUE
LOVE AND I MADE SOMETHING TOGETHER.

AND WE'RE OFF!

IT STARTED WITH A
LITTLE PIECE OF CLAY.

I SAT BEHIND HER AT HER POTTER'S
WHEEL AS IT SPUN AND SPUN.

THE WHEEL TURNED
FASTER AND FASTER.

OUR HANDS WORKING AS ONE.

CLAY FLYING EVERYWHERE!

♪ OH, MY LOVE ♪

BUT THEN, TRAGICALLY,

I WAS MURDERED BY AN
EMBEZZLING CO-WORKER.

MY ONE REGRET WAS I NEVER
GOT TO TELL HER I LOVE HER.

ALL I COULD SAY WAS, "DITTO."

IN THE END, IT TOOK A HILARIOUS BLACK
PSYCHIC TO BRING US BACK TOGETHER.

WHOOPEE!

THANKS FOR THE HELP.

♪ ...GOES BY ♪

♪ SO SLOWLY ♪

SO, HOW LONG HAVE
YOU BEEN IN THE CIRCUS?

6 YEARS.

OUTSTANDING!

JUST FOR OUR FILES.

DOESN'T THAT HURT?

OH, NOT AT ALL. I'M
DOUBLE-JOINTED.

YAY!

CAN I SEE THE APARTMENT NOW?

OH, YOU KNOW, IT LOOKS
JUST LIKE THIS ONE,

ONLY WITH NO FURNITURE
AND A COUPLE OF RATS.

AND I THINK SOMEBODY CHOPPED
UP SOMEBODY IN THE BEDROOM.

IT WAS GOOD MEETING YOU.

I... BYE.

SHE SEEMED NEIGHBORLY.

YOU ONLY LIKED HER BECAUSE
SHE COULD LICK HER OWN BACK.

AND YOU'RE SAYING
THAT'S A BAD THING?

LET'S JUST GO OVER OUR CHOICES.

FINE.

OK, UM, NOW,

I'M LEANING TOWARDS MAX LARSON.

NO WAY. HE LIVES WITH HIS MOTHER

AND DRIVES A VAN
WITH NO WINDOWS.

HE LIKES HIS PRIVACY.

BECAUSE HE'S A SERIAL KILLER.

YOU KNOW, BERG,
YOU'RE BEING IMPOSSIBLE.

FINE. YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU JUST TAKE YOUR LITTLE FILES

AND PICK THE ONE YOU WANT

BECAUSE MY OPINION OBVIOUSLY
DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT YOU,
SO JUST DO WHATEVER.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

YOU'RE IRRITABLE.
YOU'RE EATING LIKE A PIG.

YOU GOT TEARY-EYED LAST NIGHT

WHILE WATCHING A TV COMMERCIAL.

HEY, THE GUY JUST CALLED
TO SAY "I LOVE YOU, MOM."

IF I DIDN'T KNOW BETTER,

I WOULD THINK YOU WERE PMSing.

OH, SURE.

JUST BLAME IT ON PMS,
SHARON. THAT IS SO TYPICAL.

I FOUND IT.

I GOT MELISSA THE PERFECT GIFT.

OH, GOOD FOR YOU.

HA HA.

IT'S A TOASTER.

I NEED YOU TO WRAP IT FOR ME.

AND I'M TAKING HER FOR A
ROMANTIC DINNER AT LA BOHEME.

I DON'T KNOW.

THAT TOASTER'S GONNA
BE A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW.

YOU SEE, SHE'S BEEN COMPLAINING
ABOUT HER TOASTER FOR A FEW MONTHS,

SO THIS JUST SHOWS
HER THAT I'M LISTENING.

YEAH. I'M SURE THAT'S WHAT
SHE'S GOING TO TAKE AWAY FROM IT.

THIS GIFT... SAYS EVERYTHING
THAT I WANT IT TO SAY.

WHAT, THAT YOU PASSED
SEARS ON YOUR WAY HOME?

Melissa: HELLO? ANYBODY HOME?

OK, THAT'S HER.

YOU WATCH. SHE'LL LOVE IT.

HEY, GUYS!

WOW, YOU LOOK GREAT!

OK, I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT
GIVING YOU YOUR GIFT,

I COULDN'T WAIT ANOTHER MINUTE.

AND I PUT A LOT OF THOUGHT
INTO YOUR GIFT, TOO.

I'M SURE I'LL LOVE
IT. JUST OPEN YOURS.

KEYS.

KEYS TO MY APARTMENT.

I ALREADY HAVE KEYS
TO YOUR APARTMENT.

NO, YOU DON'T, BECAUSE THESE
ARE KEYS TO MY NEW APARTMENT.

APARTMENT D UPSTAIRS.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

YOU KNOW, IT NEVER WOULD
HAVE OCCURRED TO ME

IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR
SHARON AND BERG.

I MEAN, I KNEW YOU GUYS
WANTED SOMEONE YOU LIKED,

SO I TRACKED DOWN THE LANDLORD

AND, UH, WELL, HERE I AM!

PETE GOT YOU A TOASTER.

HOW CAN YOU MEDICAL
PEOPLE GO AROUND

PLAYING FAST AND LOOSE WITH
SOMETHING LIKE ESTROGEN?

WELL, I'M SORRY I LIED,
BUT YOU GOTTA HELP ME.

I'M IN A BAD WAY.

I'M TAPING GUIDING LIGHT, MAN.

SO WHAT DID HE SAY?

THIS PMS THING CAN SOMETIMES
LAST FOR SEVERAL DAYS.

REALLY?

ARE WE TOO MOODY TO WORK?

HEY. HOW'S IT GOING?

BLOATED. GOOD.

WHAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT?
THANKS TO YOU TWO,

I HAVE BEEN AT THE STORE ALL DAY

LOOKING AT DUST RUFFLES.

REALLY?

YEAH.

IF YOU TWO HADN'T
BEEN PLAYING LANDLORD,

HANDING OUT FLYERS
ALL OVER BOSTON,

I WOULDN'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND
FOR AN UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR.

WELL, YOU KNOW, THIS
COULD BE GOOD FOR YOU.

IF MELISSA TAKES THAT
APARTMENT, YOU'RE CLOSER.

YOU SPEND MORE TIME TOGETHER.

BEFORE YOU KNOW
IT, YOU'RE MOVING IN.

AND AFTER THAT,
WELL, PETE, MY BOY,

I'D BE HONORED TO HAVE
YOUR ENGAGEMENT PARTY

RIGHT HERE AT
BEACON STREET PIZZA.

WEEKDAY PRICES, OF COURSE.

OH, MY GOD, HE'S RIGHT.

WE'RE NOT GOING TO
HAVE THE PARTY HERE.

ABOUT MELISSA. I MEAN, THIS
IS WAY AHEAD OF MY SCHEDULE.

SHE CAN'T MOVE IN.

WHY NOT? SHE MEETS
MY REQUIREMENTS.

SHE'S QUIET, SHE'S
SINGLE-JOINTED.

NOTHING DOING.

I AM HOLDING OUT
FOR THE BACK LICKER.

FACE IT, BERG, I WIN.

OH, YEAH?

SHARON, IMAGINE LIVING
NEXT DOOR TO SOMEONE

WHO COMES HOME FROM WORK
EVERY DAY HAPPY AND FULFILLED

FROM MOLDING THE
MIND'S OF CHILDREN,

AFTER YOU'VE SPENT YOUR
DAY SELLING CHEMICALS

THAT SOFTEN THE
EGGS OF PENGUINS.

I'LL KILL MYSELF.
MELISSA CAN'T MOVE IN.

PETE, YOU HAVE TO TELL HER.

I CAN'T. SHE'LL HATE ME.

PETE, MY BOY, I
THINK I MAY BE ABLE

TO SHED SOME LIGHT
ON YOUR SITUATION.

YOU'RE SCREWED.
FILL 'ER UP, BILL.

SHE SAID 6:00. IT'S 6:00.

HEY, MAYBE SHE CHANGED
HER MIND. MAYBE SHE DECIDED...

YOU'RE KIDDING YOURSELF.

I FEEL LIKE I'M ABOUT
TO FIRE SOMEBODY.

OH, MY GOD.

MRS. WEXLER?

THAT EXPLAINS ALL THE COOKIES.

HEY, NEIGHBORS!

WHO WANTS A BROWNIE?

DOESN'T SEEM LIKE
SHE CHANGED HER MIND.

OK, BERG, GO ON.

FINE. I'M JUST WAITING
FOR THE RIGHT MOMENT.

AND WHEN WOULD
THAT BE, MY WEDDING?

SHARON, GO.

NOW, NOW, NOW, GO!

UH, MELISSA, LOOK,

I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING
YOU OUGHTA KNOW.

UM, I CAN'T GET
TO SLEEP AT NIGHT

UNLESS I BLAST MY
STEREO REALLY LOUD.

MMM, THAT'S REALLY GOOD.

THANKS. I LOVE BAKING, YOU KNOW.

CAKES, COOKIES, PIES, ANYTHING.

REALLY MOIST.

OH, THANK YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE?

OH, JUST TAKING A LOOK AT THE
RELEASE VALVE ON THE DISPOSAL.

IT'S ALWAYS THE
FIRST THING TO GO.

YOU BAKE AND YOU PLUMB?

SURE. SHOWER HEADS,
TOILETS, PETE SHOWED ME.

IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE.

WOW, I'M VERY IMPRESSED.
I'LL KEEP THE MUSIC DOWN.

I ALSO KNOW CPR, FIRE
SAFETY, AND FLOOD CONTROL.

THIS GIRL'S AMAZING!
SHE'S LIKE SUPER NEIGHBOR.

YOU GOTTA TRY ONE OF
THESE, THEY'RE REALLY...

YOU'RE OUT. YOU
LOST YOUR STUFF, KID.

I'LL TAKE IT FROM HERE.

LOOK, MELISSA.

WHEN THIS APARTMENT CAME OPEN,

I SAW THIS AS A REAL OPPORTUNITY
FOR ME TO MEET SOMEONE.

NOW, THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH
NOT WANTING YOU IN THE BUILDING, BUT...

BUT...

THESE OVEN MITTS HAVE GOTTA GO.

I MEAN, LITTLE UDDERS? REALLY.

A GOOD MITT SHOULD BE MORE
FUNCTIONAL THAN DECORATIVE.

WHEN PEOPLE ASK
ME WHO IS MELISSA?

I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO SAY SHE'S
THE GIRL WITH THE COW OVEN-MITTS.

I MEAN, YOU CAN'T LOOK TO OVEN
MITTS TO MAKE THAT KIND OF STATEMENT.

AND QUITE FRANKLY, I
DON'T KNOW WHO'D WANT TO.

DAMN, I PROMISED
MYSELF I WOULDN'T CRY.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH
YOU, BERG? YOU'RE RANTING.

MELISSA, I DON'T WANT
YOU TO MOVE IN HERE.

YES, WE'RE COMING!

DON'T JUST STAND
THERE. SAY SOMETHING.

LIKE WHAT?

LIKE I FEEL LIKE I WAS JUST
PUNCHED IN THE STOMACH?

MELISSA, HOW COULD YOU
SPRING SOMETHING LIKE...

SPRING SOMETHING? I
SPRANG THIS ON YOU?

YEAH, YOU DID. YOU PUT ME

IN A REALLY
UNCOMFORTABLE POSITION.

I'M REALLY SORRY, PETE. OHH!

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE WE
DISCUSSED LIVING TOGETHER?

I KNOW, BUT NOTHING
ABOUT NEXT DOOR.

OK, I THOUGHT THIS WOULD
AT LEAST BE A STEP, YOU KNOW.

IT'S A PRETTY BIG STEP.

YOU BOUGHT ME A TOASTER!

I MEAN, I THOUGHT, "WOW, WOW,

HE'S REALLY LISTENING
TO ME," YOU KNOW.

I MEAN, A GIFT REALLY
SAYS SOMETHING

AND A TOASTER SAYS, "I WANNA
MAKE BREAKFAST FOR YOU.

I WANNA SPEND MY LIFE WITH YOU."

I GUESS SOMETIMES A
TOASTER IS JUST A TOASTER.

MELISSA, THIS IS SILLY.

I MEAN, THINK ABOUT IT. IF WE WEREN'T
HAVING THIS STUPID ANNIVERSARY,

EVERYTHING WOULD BE FINE.

YOU KNOW, WE'D GO OUT TO
DINNER, WE'D GO TO THE MOVIES,

WE'D GO TO CARVEL.

IT'S NOT ENOUGH ANYMORE.

A RELATIONSHIP
HAS TO KEEP GOING.

IT'S LIKE A SHARK, YOU KNOW.

WHEN A SHARK STOPS SWIMMING...

IT DIES, I KNOW.

WE'VE STOPPED SWIMMING.

OK, WHICH LEAVES US WHERE?

DEAD.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
COME ON, MELISSA.

MAYBE WE JUST
NEED A LITTLE BREAK.

NO, NO, WE'VE DONE THAT.

IT DOESN'T WORK, YOU KNOW.

WE JUST WIND UP GETTING
BACK TOGETHER AGAIN,

AND THEN BREAKING UP, AND THEN
GETTING BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.

I KNOW, BUT THAT'S BECAUSE...

LOOK, YOU HAVE THE, UH...

I DON'T KNOW.

WELL SAID, PETE.

MELISSA, I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY.

LOOK, I'M NOT SAYING
THIS WAS ALL YOUR FAULT.

I JUST CAN'T LIVE IN
THIS LIMBO ANYMORE.

JUST HURTS TOO MUCH.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, PETE.

BLOATING?

GONE.

APPETITE?

NORMAL.

EMOTIONAL?

YES!

I'M KIDDING.

HEY, PETE.

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE?

UH, STUFF FROM
MELISSA'S APARTMENT.

YOU OK?

YEAH, KINDA SUCKS.

YEAH, I KNOW.

AND I KEEP TELLING
MYSELF IT WAS FOR THE BEST.

ANYBODY WANT TO
BACK ME UP ON THAT?

SO, HOW'D YOU GUYS LEAVE IT?

ARE YOU STILL GONNA TALK?

YEAH, WE'RE STILL FRIENDS.
WE'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT, RIGHT?

SO WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

YEAH, PETE, I HOPE YOU AND
MELISSA REALLY GAVE SOME THOUGHT

TO HOW THIS IS GOING
TO AFFECT BERG.

NO, NO, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED
TO DO WHEN I SEE HER

AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD
OR AT THE PIZZA PLACE?

DO I... DO I HIDE
BEHIND A MAILBOX?

DO I SAY HELLO?

DO I TRY TO TRIP HER?

YOU SAY HI TO HER,
YOU BIG DUMMY.

WHEN SHE COMES
INTO THE PIZZA PLACE,

YOU TREAT HER LIKE
EVERYBODY ELSE.

YEAH, YOU JUST SCREW UP HER ORDER
AND GIVE HER THE WRONG CHANGE.

YOU REALIZE, OF COURSE,
THIS IS ALL OF BERG'S FAULT.

I KNOW, NO KIDDING. THANKS
FOR INTRODUCING ME TO HER.

HEY, I TOLD YOU TO DATE HER,
NOT TO GET INVOLVED WITH HER.

FAIR ENOUGH.

HEY, BRUINS GAME, 5 MINUTES?

OK.

YOU KNOW WHAT PETE
REALLY NEEDS RIGHT NOW?

WHAT?

COMPASSION.

NO KIDDING.

AND A HOT STEWARDESS TO MOVE IN.

COME ON!

GOD, HER BELLY
BUTTON'S DOUBLE-JOINTED.

LEFT FOOT GREEN.

YOU GUYS ARE SO LOSING.

AND LOVING IT.