Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 1, Episode 2 - Two Guys, a Girl and a Presentation - full transcript

I CANNOT BELIEVE

THEY LET YOU IN MEDICAL SCHOOL.

NEITHER CAN I.

MELON BALLER.

MELON BALLER!

PETE, I GOTTA TELL YA.

DON'T TELL ME NOW. I'M BUSY.

BUSY? THE CAT'S IN
THE CRADLE, PETE.

BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,
I'LL BE ALL GROWN UP.

BERG, MY BIG PRESENTATION TO
THE MUSEUM BOARD IS TONIGHT.

NOW, IF THEY CHOOSE MY DESIGN,



IT'LL ACTUALLY GET BUILT.

MOST ARCHITECTS
WHEN THEY GRADUATE,

THEY ONLY HAVE A
BUNCH OF BLUEPRINTS.

I AM GOING TO HAVE A
12,000 SQUARE FOOT RESUME.

MAN, YOU'RE GONNA NEED
ONE HELL OF A MANILA ENVELOPE.

AHEM.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S IN THE BOX?

I THINK I FOUND MY
CALLING WITH MEDICINE.

AHH, GOOD FOR YOU, MAN.

YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN THESE GIRLS

WATCHING ME BUY THIS STUFF.

MED SCHOOL'S ALL
ABOUT LOVE AND TOYS.

AS LONG AS YOU'RE IN IT
FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.

SOCRATES... MEET GUY
WITH REMOVABLE BRAIN.



REMOVABLE BRAIN... MEET PETE.

NICE HAIRCUT.

10:30 A.M.

TAKING SIXTH DOSE
OF INVECTA LABS

EXPERIMENTAL ALLERGESIC.

THIS TIME HOPING MILK

WILL IMPROVE THE TASTE.

DOESN'T.

DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME YOU
STOPPED THESE EXPERIMENTS?

AHEM. HEY, ACCESSORIES
DON'T COME CHEAP.

LEST YOU FORGET, I'M A DOCTOR.

YOU'RE NOT A DOCTOR.

THEN HOW COME I
HAVE ONE OF THESE?

WHY DO YOU NEED A BEEPER?

IMAGE, PETE. SO IMPORTANT.

OK, I HAVE A WHOLE
STACK OF NOTE CARDS

TO GO OVER BEFORE TONIGHT, SO...

THE BRAIN IS LIKE A GAS TANK.

WHEN IT'S FULL, IT'S FULL.

YOU KNOW THIS STUFF.

SPEAK FROM PASSION,
NOT FROM CARDS.

WHAT THE HELL IS
THE MATTER WITH YOU?

TRUST ME. I'M YOUR DOCTOR.

YOU'RE NOT A DOCTOR!

OK, BERG, LOOK.

I'M NOT IN ARCHITECTURE

FOR THE BEEPERS AND THE BABES.

YOU, THIS MED SCHOOL THING'S
GONNA LAST, WHAT, 6 WEEKS?

THEN YOU'RE GONNA
GO ON TO FORESTRY

BECAUSE YOU THINK
YOU LOOK GOOD IN GREEN.

I DO.

BERG, LOOK, YOU'RE
NOT FOOLIN' ANYONE.

YOU'RE HAVING A HARD
TIME ACCEPTING THE FACT

THAT THERE'S A NEW KID IN TOWN.

A DEDICATED KID. A
KID NAMED DR. BERGEN.

WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO GET USED TO IT, BUDDY,

'CAUSE HE'S HERE TO STAY.

UH, I REALLY HAD NO PLACE TO GO.

WATCH AS I MAKE THE INCISION,

BEING CAREFUL NOT TO
TEAR THE INTERSTITIAL FIBERS

OR, IN THIS CASE,
THE CANADIAN BACON.

I COULDN'T BE MORE PROUD.

SPATULA.

DR. BERGEN TO TABLE 4, STAT.

DAMN IT, PETE, I'M A
DOCTOR, NOT A WAITER.

YOU KNOW, ELLEN AND I

ALWAYS DREAM OF HAVING A
SON WHO BECOMES A DOCTOR.

BILL, WHAT ABOUT AN ARCHITECT?

I'VE ALREADY GOT A BUILDING.

I NEED FREE MEDICAL.

YES, SIR, I HAVE THE RESEARCH
RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.

HEY, SHARON, LET ME
RUN MY SPEECH BY YOU.

OK.

YEAH, SEE YA THEN.

WHO'S THAT?

OHH, MY BOSS.

OH, YOU WANNA JOIN US?

I CAN'T. I HAVE MY BIG
PRESENTATION TONIGHT.

OH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU'RE GONNA DO GREAT.

AW, YA THINK?

I DON'T KNOW. I'VE GOT MY
OWN MESS TO DEAL WITH.

MY COMPANY IS MANUFACTURING
THIS NEW PESTICIDE.

WE CLAIM IT KILLS BUGS FASTER,

BUT THE RESEARCH SHOWS

IT TAKES THE SAME AMOUNT
OF TIME FOR THEM TO DIE.

MY BOSS WANTS ME TO
DESTROY THE EVIDENCE.

IS THAT WRONG?

WHO CARES? AS
LONG AS THEY'RE DEAD.

ARE YOU ON A CRUSADE
TO END BUG SUFFERING?

SHARON, I LEARNED
IN MY PCM CLASS...

THAT'S, UH...

PREPARATION FOR
CLINICAL MEDICINE...

THAT FULL DISCLOSURE
IS THE FOUNDATION

OF A STRONG
PATIENT/DOCTOR RELATIONSHIP.

NOW, I BELIEVE THE SAME
HOLDS TRUE IN BUSINESS.

YOU HAVE AN ETHICAL
DUTY TO TELL THE TRUTH.

SHARON, YOU WORK FOR
A CHEMICAL COMPANY.

YOU HAVE NO ETHICS.

BERG'S RIGHT. I'M
BLOWIN' THE WHISTLE.

WAIT. YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY
GOING TO LISTEN TO HIM?

WELL... WAIT. THIS IS BERG.

THE SAME GUY WHO WANTED TO PUT A
BATPOLE BETWEEN OUR APARTMENTS.

YEAH, BUT NOW HE'S A DOCTOR.

HE'S NOT A DOCTOR!

TRYING THE POWDER
WITH ROOT BEER.

MAKES ME MISS THE MILK.

HEY, LIS, YOU WANNA
HEAR MY SPEECH?

SORRY. OH, GOD, I HAVE
THIS TERRIBLE COUGH.

IT STARTED IN MY HEAD, AND
NOW IT'S MOVED TO MY CHEST.

YOU SHOULD GO SEE A DOCTOR.

DID SOMEBODY SAY DOCTOR?

I DON'T THINK SO.

THIS THING DOES NOT
GIVE YOU A LICENSE

TO GROPE MY GIRLFRIEND.

PETER, I AM SHOCKED!

I'M IN THE PROFESSION
OF HEALING, MISTER.

THIS IS MY JOB.

NOW, MELISSA...

IF YOU'D KINDLY DISROBE
DOWN TO YOUR SOCKS.

NO.

GIVE ME A BREAK.

BERG, IS THIS MILK BAD?

HEY, LIKE I DON'T
KNOW IF MILK IS BAD? OK.

SMELLS GOOD TO ME.

WAIT. ALL RIGHT,
AM I THE ONLY ONE

THAT KNOWS WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

YOU ARE NOT ALONE, MY FRIEND.

I WAS ONCE THE FAVORITE.

EVERYONE LOOKED UP TO ME,

AND THEN ALONG CAME
THE NEW KID ON THE BLOCK...

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR...

SHOWING OFF ALL HIS FANCY
GADGETS TO ALL MY FRIENDS.

I WAS JUST A PULL-STRING COWBOY.

HOW COULD I COMPETE?

AND THEN WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

I GET THROWN IN THE TOY BOX

ALONG WITH POTATO
HEAD AND SLINKY DOG. HUH.

TO INFINITY AND BEYOND, MY ASS.

OK, I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.

BILL, DO YOU THINK I COULD
GET THE AFTERNOON OFF?

ACTUALLY, BILL,

I COULD REALLY USE THE
AFTERNOON OFF MYSELF.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I HAVE
TO PRACTICE MY PRESENTATION.

I'M HELPING YOU. REMEMBER?

YOUR TANK OVERFILLS.
ALL OF A SUDDEN,

KNOWLEDGE IS SPILLING
OUT ALL OVER THE PLACE.

I NEED ONE OF YOU.

LOOK, BILL, MY BIG
PRESENTATION IS TONIGHT.

NOW, I JUST NEED A FEW
MORE HOURS TO PRACTICE.

I'M TELLING YOU,
IF I GET THIS...

LOOK, THIS ONE MOMENT

COULD DECIDE MY ENTIRE FUTURE.

I HAVE A QUIZ.

OK, BERG. SEE YOU TOMORROW.

LATE. LATE. I'M LATE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE STUDYING.

I AM.

YOU'RE WATCHING
GENERAL HOSPITAL.

I'M STUDYING GENERAL HOSPITAL.

I'M TRYING TO GET THE WALK DOWN.

CHECK OUT HOW DR. SCANLON MOVES.

SLOW... CONFIDENT STEPS.

LOOK HOW HE LETS THE BEEPER
SHOW UNDER HIS LAB COAT.

NOTICE THE HEAD TILT.

FELICIA... A DRINK
AFTER SURGERY?

SEE? RIGHT THERE.

THAT'S THE STUFF YOU
CAN'T LEARN FROM A BOOK.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAD
TO COVER FOR YOU,

AND YOU'RE UP HERE
SCREWIN' AROUND!

I ALREADY FINISHED STUDYING FOR
MY EXAM. YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?

DON'T SAY YOUR BRAIN IS FULL.

MY BRAIN IS FULL.

BERG, YOU CAN'T JUST WALTZ
THROUGH MEDICAL SCHOOL

ALL FANCY-FREE.

IT TAKES DEDICATION
AND COMMITMENT

TO BECOME A DOCTOR.

I'M SORRY. I THOUGHT
YOU JUST SAID FANCY-FREE.

OK, YOU'RE HOPELESS.

PETE, A TIP FROM YOUR DOCTOR...

EATING QUICKLY... BAD
FOR THE DIGESTION.

MMM. WELL, LUCKY FOR
ME, YOU'RE NOT A DOCTOR.

PETE, HELP ME HELP YOU.

BERG, LOOK, I'M BEYOND HELP.

I'M GONNA GO INTO
THAT PRESENTATION

AND CRASH LIKE THE HINDENBURG.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
JUST RELAX FOR A SECOND.

TAKE A DEEP BREATH.

YOU'RE ALWAYS SAYIN' HOW
YOUR STUFF ISN'T ANY GOOD

AND HOW IT'S A
COMPLETE DISASTER,

BUT IT ALWAYS TURNS OUT GREAT.

SO TONIGHT, I NEED
YOU TO GO IN THERE

AND SHOW THOSE PEOPLE
WHAT I ALREADY KNOW...

HEY.

THAT YOU... ROCK.

I ROCK?

THANKS, BERG.

THANKS NOTHIN'.

NOW GO GET 'EM, YOU PSYCHOPATH.

5:45. I HAVE FOUND
THAT THE ORANGE JUICE

MAKES THE ALLERGESIC
POWDER MORE PALATABLE.

PETE!

5:46.

MY ROOMMATE HAS JUST INGESTED

400 TIMES THE DAILY DOSAGE

IN JUST UNDER 20 SECONDS.

THIS WILL MOST LIKELY BE FATAL.

FOR ME.

LISTEN, I MIGHT'VE
POISONED MY FRIEND,

AND I NEED TO KNOW
THE SIDE EFFECTS.

IT'S A MEDICAL EMERGENCY.

HOLD... NO, DON'T
PUT ME ON HOLD.

DON'T PUT ME... ♪ AND AWAY ♪

♪ IN MY BEAUTIFUL ♪

♪ MY BEAUTIFUL ♪

♪ BALLOON ♪

SO, I'M AT OUR MONTHLY
BOARD MEETING.

THE CEO IS AT THE
HEAD OF THE TABLE.

I STAND UP AND TELL
THEM I HAVE PROOF

THAT THEIR BUGS
DIE IN 6 SECONDS,

JUST LIKE THEY ALWAYS HAVE.

ROOM GOES SILENT.

THEN THE CEO STANDS UP,
AND YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAYS?

"3 SECONDS. 6 SECONDS.
WHO CARES? THEY'RE BUGS."

EVERYONE LAUGHED AT ME. SO I
JUST CAME OVER TO THANK YOU

FOR PERSONALLY GUIDING ME INTO THE
MOST HUMILIATING MOMENT OF MY LIFE.

HOLD THAT THOUGHT. I
MAY HAVE POISONED PETE.

YEAH, GO AHEAD. SOME
POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS ARE:

SWEATING, STAMMERING,
AND... I'M SORRY?

HE MAY BECOME DELUSIONAL.

WELL, WHAT THE HELL KIND
OF SIDE EFFECT IS DELUSIONAL?

HAVEN'T YOU PEOPLE
EVER HEARD OF DIARRHEA?

YOU POISONED PETE?

AND HE'S JUST LEFT TO GO
DO HIS BIG PRESENTATION.

AHH, THAT IS SO UNFAIR.

I KNOW.

ON THE ONE DAY I
COULD REALLY HATE YOU,

PETE STEALS MY THUNDER.

DON'T BE MAD AT PETE.

WELL SAID.

TOP THAT, ZERO.

DO I KNOW YOU?

PETER DUNVILLE.

YOU'RE NEXT. HERE.

OK. UM... YOU'RE WELCOME.

I MEAN, UH... THANKS.

I MEAN, THANKS FOR WELCOMING ME.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

THANKS.

OH, THANK GOD.

AT LEAST HE GOT HERE.

WE HAVE TO STOP HIM.

COME ON. CALM DOWN.

THEY SAID THOSE WERE
ONLY POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS.

PSST.

PETE.

WOULD YOU EXCUSE
ME FOR JUST A MOMENT?

YES, OF COURSE.

I LIVE TO WAIT.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?

WELL, I THOUGHT WE'D JUST
COME DOWN AND OBSERVE YOU.

HE MEANS LEND OUR SUPPORT.

MR. DUNVILLE...

BEFORE MY BONES TURN TO DUST.

RIGHT.

AHEM.

AHH. UM... "LADIES, GENTLEMEN,

"DISTINGUISHED MUSEUM TRUSTEES,

IN REVIEWING..."

WHEW. I'M SORRY.
IS IT HOT IN HERE?

NO.

OH, GOD, HE'S SWEATING.

WHAT KIND OF DOCTOR AM I?

HE'S PETE. HE SWEATS.

AND YOU'RE NOT A DOCTOR.

WHERE WAS I?

AT THE BEGINNING.

RIGHT. UH, AHEM.

MY INTENT WAS TO
ACCENT THE AXIAL DESIGN

WITH A MORE MODERN MIDDLISM...

MORE MODERN MIMILIST...

SORRY. A MORE MIDDLIST...

JUST NEW AND SIMPLE.

STAMMERING. NERVES.

WELL, HE SHOULD
HAVE PREPARED MORE.

NOW, THE... THE... THE
FRONT OF THE BUILDING...

I'M SORRY.

OK, LOOK. I SEE...

I SEE... HUGE, CRAZY SHAPES.

ALL RIGHT? AND A GIANT...

GIANT JACK-IN-THE-BOX.

A JACK-IN-THE-BOX?

YEAH. YEAH. A GIANT
JACK-IN-THE-BOX

THAT WILL POP UP AND
GREET THE VISITORS.

IT'S CONED HEAD
SWAYING 2 STORIES HIGH.

AND, OH, AND IT WILL
SAY SOMETHING LIKE,

HELLO, BOYS AND GIRLS.

ALL RIGHT. HE'S DELUSIONAL.

TAKE HIM DOWN.

OK, THAT'S IT. ENOUGH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M SAVING YOU. NO,
YOU'RE REALLY NOT.

YES, I AM.

EXCUSE ME.

I'M SORRY.

I'M THIS MAN'S DOCTOR.

YOU'RE NOT A DOCTOR.
HE'S NOT A DOCTOR.

MR. DUNVILLE HAS ACCIDENTALLY
INGESTED A MEDICATION

WHICH IS CAUSING THE DELUSIONAL
BEHAVIOR YOU'RE WITNESSING.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW THIS GUY,

BUT LOOK AT THE EXCITEMENT
THAT THE JACK-IN-THE-BOX IS CAUSING.

IT'S INFECTIOUS!

PETE, BELIEVE ME.
EVERY SECOND COUNTS.

YOU DRANK MY
ALLERGESIC MEDICATION.

YOU'RE SWEATING, YOU'RE
STAMMERING, YOU'RE DELUSIONAL.

BERG, I'M JUST A LITTLE NERVOUS.

OH, YEAH?

THEN WHAT KIND OF
MUSEUM HAS A HUGE...

JACK-IN-THE-BOX?

AND STUPID VOICES
GOING... HEH HEH...

"HELLO, BOYS AND GIRLS"?

A CHILDREN'S MUSEUM.

WHAT?

THIS IS FOR A CHILDREN'S MUSEUM.

OH.

BUT... BUT YOU DRANK
THE ORANGE JUICE.

I HATE ORANGE JUICE, BERG. I
DRANK THE GRAPEFRUIT JUICE.

SO WHO DRANK THE ORANGE JUICE?

Both: OHH.

SO I'M THE ONE WHO'S DELUSIONAL.

THANK GOD. I THOUGHT IT WAS ME.

WELL...

DOCTORS. THIS
EXPLAINS A GREAT DEAL.

IT TURNS OUT THAT I'VE
INGESTED MY OWN MEDIDATION.

MED-I-CA-TION.

PETE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

SHARON, HE'S RUINING
MY PRESENTATION.

HE'S RUINING MY PRESENTATION.

YES, WE'RE ALL AWARE OF THAT.

WE'LL BE GOING.

ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT
TO SPIN PLATES AS A FINALE?

LISTEN, PAL, I'VE HAD
A REALLY BAD DAY.

JOIN THE CLUB.

HEY, YOU WANT A
PIECE OF ME? HUH? HUH?

CAPTAIN'S LOG.
STARDATE... 6-4-4-4-1.

THE... KLINGONS
HAVE SURROUNDED US

AND ARE ATTEMPTING TO
BOARD THE ENTERPRISE.

KIRK OUT.

MR. SULU, TAKE US
TO WARP FACTOR 8.

CHEKOV... NICE DRESS.

BERG!

KLINGONS. BONES.

IDIOT.

BERG, GET OUT HERE RIGHT NOW.

SCOTTIE... BEAM ME UP NOW.

WAIT HERE.

I'LL SEND HELP.

OH, YOU'RE DOING GREAT, PETE!

AHEM.

OK, NOW THAT I GOT
YOUR ATTENTION...

I SCREWED UP BIG-TIME.

FINALLY.

AN ACCURATE DIAGNOSIS.

MAYBE THIS DOCTOR THING
ISN'T SUCH A GOOD IDEA.

I MEAN, WHAT
RESPONSIBLE PHYSICIAN

LEAVES UNMARKED MEDICINE
IN THE REFRIGERATOR?

YOU'RE NOT A PHYSICIAN.
YOU'RE A MED STUDENT.

GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK.

NO. NO. SEE?

YOU SAID IT YOURSELF.

IT TAKES DEDICATION
AND COMMITMENT.

LISTEN TO ME. THIS IS THE
FIRST TIME IN YOUR LIFE

THAT YOU'RE DOIN' SOMETHING WHERE
YOU DON'T KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS.

THIS IS GREAT!

YOU'RE SCARED, AND YOU'RE SCARED

BECAUSE YOU MIGHT FINALLY
CARE ABOUT SOMETHING.

WHY DO I SCREW UP?

BECAUSE YOU'RE BERG.

BESIDES, YOU CAN'T QUIT NOW.

YOU ALREADY PAID FOR THE BEEPER.

I ALSO GOT THE WALK DOWN.

I HEAR THAT'S THE HARDEST PART.

YOU'RE GONNA BE A GOOD SURGEON.

YOU'LL ROCK!

THANKS. LISTEN...

WHEN YOU'RE A BIG, FAMOUS
SURGEON, LOOK ME UP.

I'LL BE THE GUY IN RENO
DESIGNING THE TRAILER PARKS.

OH... THAT REMINDS ME.

MR. SULU CALLED LAST NIGHT.

UH, YOU GOT THE JOB.

I GOT THE JOB? HOW CAN THAT BE?

RIGHT HERE. "LOVED YOUR DESIGNS.

HATE YOUR FRIENDS."

HOW COME YOU DIDN'T TELL
ME THEY CALLED LAST NIGHT?

LAST NIGHT I WAS TOO BUSY
ARGUING WITH THE SOFA.

OH, MY GOD.

I'VE GOT A BIG MEETING AT 3:00.

3:00. IT'S 10 TILL. YOU
BETTER GET MOVIN'.

WHOO! NO. HEH HEH.

YOU HAVE A BIG MEETING AT 3:00.

DOWNTOWN. BERG, WHAT'S
THE MATTER WITH YOU?

HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL A PERSON?

HEY, DON'T BLAME ME BECAUSE
YOU DON'T HAVE A BEEPER!

BONES...

TALK TO ME, BONES. YOU'VE...
GOT TO SAY SOMETHING.

WE'VE... SHARED SO
MUCH. IT'S ME... JIM.

YOUR COMRADE, YOUR CAPTAIN.

YOUR FRIEND.

WE'VE GOT TO TALK ABOUT THIS.

SHOW SOME BACKBONE, MAN.