Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 1, Episode 3 - Two Guys, a Girl and a Guy - full transcript
Berg tries to earn money by product testing some talking sneakers. Sharon gets a new boyfriend, Ted who is a lawyer. Naturally, Berg and Pete have to check him out, and they don't approve because he seems too perfect.
CUT IT OUT. I'M TRYING TO WATCH.
I WILL RIP OFF YOUR ARM, AND
BEAT YOU UNCONSCIOUS WITH IT.
YAAAH! MY ARM!
GET AWAY FROM
ME WITH PETE'S ARM!
BERG! WE GOT A
CHOICE THIS MONTH.
WE EITHER LOSE CINEMAX...
OR WE SELL OUR PLASMA.
HAVE NO FEAR. I GOT IT COVERED.
OH, BERG, NO MORE
MEDICAL EXPERIMENTS.
JUST REMEMBER, MY EYE DROP
EXPERIMENT PAID FOR THAT COUCH.
AND, BERG, WHAT COLOR
WOULD YOU SAY THAT COUCH IS?
I DON'T KNOW.
BLUE.
IT'S JUST PRODUCT TESTING.
"MARATHON PERSONAL TRAINERS.
YOU'LL NEVER RUN ALONE."
ALL I HAVE TO DO IS
WEAR THESE FOR 26 MILES
AND RECORD MY EXPERIENCE.
10:38 A.M. THEY
ARE... COMFORTABLE...
WITH FIRM SUPPORT.
Recorded voice: CONGRATULATIONS!
AND WELCOME TO YOUR
MARATHON PERSONAL TRAINERS!
OH, PETE, CAN I KEEP THEM?
I SWEAR, I'LL TAKE CARE OF THEM!
OH, LORD, GIVE ME STRENGTH.
STOP PUTTING YOUR SWEATY SHIRTS
IN MY LAUNDRY.
IT'S ONE SHIRT.
WITH THE STINK OF 6.
AND IF YOU'RE THROUGH
WITH MY TRAVEL MUG...
ACTUALLY...
Shoes: SLOW DOWN. YOU
STILL HAVE 25.7 MILES TO GO.
ARE YOUR SHOES TALKING?
GOT YOUR ATTENTION, DID THEY?
10:40: BABES DIG 'EM.
BERG...
BERG, DO YOU NOTICE ANYTHING
DIFFERENT ABOUT OUR SHARON?
NO, NOTHING...
EXCEPT THAT SOMEBODY
GIFT-WRAPPED HER NECK.
COME ON. IT'S A SCARF.
TED GAVE ME THIS SCARF.
I THINK IT'S CUTE.
TED? TED?
BERG, SHE HAS A TED.
YES, TED. HIS NAME'S TED.
JUST NOT USED TO
THEM HAVING NAMES.
WELL, HE'S GOT ONE, IT'S TED,
AND I GOTTA GET TO WORK.
WORK? OR IS TED WHISKING
YOU AWAY TO SCARF WAREHOUSE?
OR HOUSE OF SCARVES?
SCARF DEPOT. JIFFY SCARVES.
YOU TWO HAVE FUN.
WE'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT, RIGHT?
OH, I HAVE PLANS.
IT'S THURSDAY. YOU
CAN'T HAVE PLANS.
IT'S YOUR NIGHT TO COME TO THE
PIZZA PLACE AND WATCH US WORK.
SORRY.
IT'S UNLIMITED TOPPINGS NIGHT.
GUYS, IF IT'S OK WITH YOU,
I'M TRYING TO HAVE A LIFE.
ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME!
I'LL SAY. DID YOU SLIP MY
SHIRT BACK IN THE BAG?
YEAH, AND MY BOXERS.
EXCELLENT.
AND IF YOU GUYS
NEED ANYTHING ELSE,
JUST CALL FOR ME.
MY NAME'S "HEY...
YOU'RE DARN GOOD-LOOKIN'."
Shoes: 10 MILES.
KEEP IT UP, CHAMP!
KEEP THOSE SNEAKERS QUIET,
OR I'M GONNA TEAR
THEIR TONGUES OUT.
I'LL JUST LOWER THE VOLUME.
4:47: FEET ARE
HAPPY. BILL'S TICKED.
HOW WAS THE CELTIC
GAME LAST NIGHT?
UH, SHARON CANCELED ON
ME, SO I HAD TO TAKE MELISSA.
OH, WHAT A SHAME, HAVING TO
GO OUT WITH YOUR OWN GIRLFRIEND.
BILL, I LOVE MELISSA, JUST NOT
AT A CELTIC GAME, YOU KNOW?
EVERY TIME THEY MISS A SHOT, SHE
SAYS, "IT'S GONNA BE OK, SWEETIE."
WHAT DOES SHARON DO?
SHARON SCREAMS, "HEY,
YOU MAKE 7 MILLION A YEAR!
MAKE THE SHOT!"
AND THE OTHER DAY, SHE WAS
SUPPOSED TO COME WITH ME
ON THAT BUS TOUR
OF HISTORIC BOSTON.
WHERE THE GUYS DRESS
UP LIKE MINUTEMEN?
YEAH. WE SIT ON THE UPPER
DECK, AND WHEN THE GUY SAYS,
"THIS IS WHERE PAUL REVERE
TOOK HIS MIDNIGHT RIDE,"
WE BOTH YELL,
"YEAH! ON YOUR MOM!"
EXERCISING THE FIRST AMENDMENT.
WHEN I DO THAT BIT WITH
SHARON, PEOPLE LAUGH.
BUT WHEN I DID IT ALONE,
THEY SAID, "HONEY, MOVE
AWAY FROM THAT MAN."
HEY, GUYS.
SHARON! PETE, IT'S SHARON,
COME TO WATCH US WORK.
SO, YOU COULDN'T
STAY AWAY, COULD YOU?
YOU'RE JUST IN TIME. I WAS
JUST ABOUT TO STUFF A PEPPER.
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO
WATCH YOU GUYS WORK.
I CAME TO PICK UP A PIZZA.
HEY, BILL, IS THAT
ORDER FOR TED READY?
TED. ONE LARGE PIE:
EGGPLANT, MUSHROOMS,
AND GREEN PEPPERS.
YUCK.
MY GOD! FIRST, HE'S GOT
YOU WEARING SCARVES,
THEN HE'S GOT YOU
EATING VEGETABLES.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW, IT'S, "COME
ON, SHARON. LET'S SMOKE SOME CRACK."
WHAT'S IN THE BAG?
VIDEOS.
WHAT KIND OF VIDEOS?
NONE-OF-YOUR-BUSINESS VIDEOS.
BERG, COME ON,
GIVE IT BACK! BERG!
SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE?
WHEN HARRY MET SALLY?
THESE ARE ALL MEG RYAN MOVIES.
YOU HATE MEG RYAN.
I KNOW... BUT TED
THINKS I LOOK LIKE HER.
WHAT WAS THAT?
WHAT IS THIS GUY DOING TO HER?
THAT IS NOT OUR SHARON.
YOU'RE MORE RIGHT THAN YOU KNOW.
HAVE YOU NOTICED PEOPLE HAVE
BEEN ACTING STRANGELY OF LATE?
ALMOST AS IF THEY'RE
NOT REALLY THEMSELVES?
OH, SURE, THEY LOOK
THE SAME, BUT INSIDE...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS
HAVE TO TALK TO ME?
POD PEOPLE.
PETE, THERE'S A DELIVERY.
YES, PETE, HURRY.
"BILL" NEEDS YOU.
HE'LL BE RIGHT THERE... "BILL."
Shoes: WELCOME
BACK! READY TO RUN?
HELLO, TURNER. MORNING, HOOCH.
BERG!
WHY IS THERE NO HOT WATER?
YOU WERE SUPPOSED
TO MAIL THE BILL.
SHARON HASN'T BEEN
AROUND ALL WEEK,
SO I COULDN'T SCORE STAMPS.
OH. OH, WELL, LISTEN...
I'LL GIVE YOU THE NAME
OF HER CONNECTION.
THE POST OFFICE!
Shoes: REMEMBER TO BREATHE!
OK, I'M GONNA START
HATING THOSE NOW.
LEAVE THEM ALONE.
ALL THEY SAID WAS "BREATHE."
YOU HAD IT IN FOR MY SHOES
THE MOMENT YOU MET 'EM.
YOU NEVER EVEN
GAVE THEM A CHANCE.
YOU JUST... ASSUME BECAUSE THEY'RE
SHOES, YOU CAN'T BE FRIENDS WITH THEM.
I'D RATHER BE FRIENDS
WITH THEM THAN WITH YOU.
THAT WASN'T NICE.
I'M NOT MAD AT YOU.
I'M MAD AT SHARON.
I MEAN, SHE'S COMPLETELY
THROWN OFF THE BALANCE OF OUR...
DELICATE ECOSYSTEM.
PLUS, WE HAVE TO WATCH SMALL TV.
WE CAN'T GO ON LIVING LIKE THIS.
I SAY WE MARCH UP
TO HER APARTMENT
AND SET THINGS STRAIGHT...
WE TAKE BACK OUR LAUNDRY,
BORROW SOME STAMPS...
GRAB A QUICK SHOWER...
AND LET HER APOLOGIZE.
Shoes: NOTHING CAN STOP
YOU. YOU'RE A WINNER!
8:40: FIRM ARCH SUPPORT
AND... EMOTIONAL SUPPORT.
PANCAKES! PANCAKES!
HONEY, WE'RE HOME!
SHARON!
SHARON, THERE'S SOMETHING
WRONG WITH YOUR DOOR!
EXCUSE ME. CAN I HELP YOU GUYS?
WE'RE LOOKING FOR SHARON.
SHH. SHE'S STILL ASLEEP.
I'M TED, AND YOU ARE..?
WE'RE PETE AND BERG.
WE LIVE DOWNSTAIRS.
WE ALL WENT TO SCHOOL TOGETHER.
WE'RE HER BEST FRIENDS.
OH, REALLY? WELL, IT'S
NICE TO MEET YOU, PETE.
UH, BERT.
I'LL TELL SHARON YOU STOPPED BY.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHAT, BERT?
I SAY WE START HATING HIM NOW.
OOH, LOOK AT ME... I'M TED.
SHH! YOU MIGHT WAKE UP SHARON.
WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH HIM?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT WE DON'T
GET TO SEE OUR SHARON
BECAUSE OF BATTER BOY.
I DON'T THINK SO.
WE NEED TO EXTRICATE
HIM FROM HER LIFE AND OURS.
AND FAST.
YOU KNOW,
TURNER AND HOOCH
WERE TALKING EARLIER...
AND THEY SAID SOMETHING
VERY INTRIGUING.
DON'T QUOTE YOUR SHOES.
"STAY CLOSE TO THE LEADER,
OR THE RACE IS LOST."
WHAT DO YOU THINK
THEY MEANT BY THAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
I'LL TAKE THEM FOR
A WALK IN THE PARK,
TRY AND GET IT OUT OF THEM.
OK, KIDS, LOOK WHAT I GOT:
HOMEMADE PLAY-DOH.
OOH! NOW, WHAT DO WE SAY?
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
VERY GOOD!
EWW!
RACHEL, SOMEDAY,
WHEN YOU GROW UP,
AND YOU MEET SOMEONE
YOU REALLY LIKE,
YOU WON'T THINK
KISSING IS SO YUCKY.
MMM-WAH!
EWW!
HEY, GUYS, WHAT'S UP?
TED SAID YOU STOPPED BY.
TED? YOU MEAN, THE GUY
WHO'S NEVER HEARD OF ME.
NO, NO. HE'S HEARD OF YOU.
YOU'RE, UM... BERT.
I'M SORRY,
BUT WHEN YOU'RE FIRST
STARTING TO DATE A GUY,
YOU DON'T LEAD OFF WITH,
"HEY, MY BEST FRIENDS
ARE TWO GOOD-LOOKING GUYS
WHO LIVE DOWNSTAIRS."
GIVE US A SEC.
OK, THE "GOOD-LOOKING" THING...
VALIANT TRY...
BUT IT DOESN'T GET
YOU OFF THE HOOK.
NO WAY.
MELISSA, HELP ME OUT HERE.
OH, SURE. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
WHAT'S UP?
WHEN YOU FIRST
STARTED TO DATE PETE,
DID HE TELL YOU ABOUT ME?
ABSOLUTELY. SEE?
REALLY? YEAH!
THE FIRST NIGHT
PETE AND I MADE LOVE,
YOU SCREAMED, "KNOCK
IT OFF DOWN THERE,
OR I'LL SHOOT YOUR WHORE."
MADE ME CURIOUS ABOUT YOU.
OH, SO THEY'RE
CURIOUS ABOUT TED.
ALL I KNOW IS THE
THREE OF YOU TOGETHER
CAN BE KIND OF INTIMIDATING.
IT'S A TOUGH CLUB TO
GET INTO, YOU KNOW?
PLUS, THERE'S A 2-DRINK MINIMUM.
OW!
NO, RACHEL. WE BITE OUR
FOOD, NOT OUR FRIENDS.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
WE'RE NOT BEING FAIR.
WE SHOULD GET TO KNOW HIM.
GREAT. I AM FREE EVERY
NIGHT THIS WEEK BUT TONIGHT.
TONIGHT IT IS.
NO, NO. I WANNA BE THERE.
WE'LL BE FINE WITHOUT YOU.
IT'LL BE JUST US GUYS.
GUYS' NIGHT OUT.
BUT I'M A GUY.
YOU LOST YOUR GUY RIGHTS
WHEN YOU PUT ON THE SCARF.
OK, FINE, BUT BEHAVE.
WE'LL JUST BE OURSELVES.
PLEASE DON'T.
I REALLY LIKE THIS GUY.
FINE. 7:00, MAHONEY'S.
FINE.
KEEP YOUR EYES WIDE OPEN.
SHOW NO INTEREST OR EXCITEMENT.
DON'T TRUST ANYONE.
HEY, HOW YOU KIDS DOING?
JUST FINE... "BILL."
I'M BILL!
Shoes: REMEMBER TO
DRINK PLENTY OF FLUIDS!
HEAR, HEAR!
OK... 7:02: WE MEET TED.
7:03: WE LIQUOR HIM UP
AND TROLL HIS SOUL
FOR DEEP, DARK SECRETS.
THEN WE TELL SHARON
WHAT A LOUSE HE IS.
BY 10:45, WE'RE BACK IN
FRONT OF HER BIG-SCREEN TV,
WHERE WE SO RIGHTFULLY BELONG.
FOR SHARON.
FOR SHARON.
DOES THIS MAKE US SELFISH?
NOT AT ALL.
LOOK, SHARON'S NOT
ACTING LIKE HERSELF, RIGHT?
AND ANY GUY WHO FORCES
HER NOT TO BE HER...
OUGHT NOT TO BE WITH HER.
SOLD!
HEY, PETE! BERG.
GOSH, I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
I GOT HELD UP AT THE GYM.
THAT'S OK. GOTTA WORK
OFF THOSE PANCAKES.
ACTUALLY, I'M IN THIS
BIG BROTHER PROGRAM,
AND THE BASKETBALL
GAME WENT INTO OVERTIME.
I COULDN'T JUST
WALK OUT ON BOBBY,
NOT AFTER HIS
MOTHER AND FATHER DID.
WHO WANTS A DRINK? HEY.
HEY, GUYS! HI, TINA.
WHAT ARE YOU HAVING?
THE USUAL.
THIS ROUND'S ON ME.
THE USUAL, OF
COURSE, BEING MARTINIS.
DOUBLE. EXTRA OLIVES.
BOY, THEY SAW YOU COMING, HUH?
AND A CLUB SODA.
CLUB SODA?
SORRY, FELLAS. I'VE GOT AN
EARLY DEPOSITION IN THE MORNING.
COME ON. I GOT A CLASS.
IT'S A REALLY IMPORTANT CASE.
BLOW IT OFF.
HEH HEH! SHARON WARNED
ME ABOUT YOU GUYS.
SO, YOU'RE A LAWYER.
YEP.
THAT MUST BE TOUGH...
CAPITALIZING OFF OTHER
PEOPLE'S MISFORTUNES.
NO, NO. I'M IN
ENVIRONMENTAL LAW.
THAT'S WHERE I MET SHARON.
MY FIRM WAS FIGHTING
HER CHEMICAL COMPANY.
THERE I WAS, MAKING A
PASSIONATE PLEA TO THE JURY
ABOUT ALL THE TRUMPET
SWANS THAT WERE KILLED,
I POINTED ACCUSINGLY
AT THE DEFENSE TABLE,
AND THERE SHE WAS.
HE, UH, DEFENDS SWANS, PETE.
HERE YOU GO, THURSTON, LOVEY.
AND A CLUB SODA.
WHOA! DID YOU FEEL THAT HEAT?
OH, MAN, SHE WAS ALL OVER YOU.
YOU THINK?
DEFINITELY.
COULDN'T BE MORE OBVIOUS.
SINCE I MET SHARON, I JUST
DON'T PICK UP ON THAT STUFF...
OH! WHOA!
IT'S OK, IT'S OK.
JUST A CLUB SODA.
A LITTLE RED WINE
SHOULD GET THIS RIGHT OUT.
BE RIGHT BACK.
HA HA HA! HO HO HO HO... KAY.
TRUMPET SWANS, BIG
BROTHERS, SODA, COME ON!
DON'T LET HIM SUCK YOU IN.
ANYONE WITH A YARD THIS NICE
HAS TO HAVE SOMETHING
BURIED UNDERNEATH.
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
NO ONE'S THIS PERFECT.
WE'LL FIND OUT WHAT'S
WRONG WITH HIM.
FOR SHARON.
FOR SHARON.
BERG, STOP FOOLING AROUND.
YEAH, RIGHT. HA HA.
YOU'RE FAKING THIS.
BERG, ARE YOU FAKING THIS?
BERG, TELL ME
YOU'RE FAKING THIS!
YOU SAVED HIS LIFE.
WHAT A SHOW-OFF.
PETE, TABLE 3.
ALL RIGHT, IN A SEC.
BEFORE IT PETRIFIES.
GO ALONG, PETE.
YOU DON'T WANT TO UPSET "BILL."
HEY, BILL, WHAT ARE
WE GONNA TELL SHARON?
SHE'S ON HER WAY OVER.
WHAT, YOU DIDN'T LIKE THIS GUY?
HE'S ALL RIGHT.
HE'S RESPONSIBLE.
HE'S GENEROUS. HE'S LOYAL.
HE'S JUST COMPLETELY
WRONG FOR US.
WHO CARES ABOUT YOU?
IS HE GOOD FOR SHARON?
I DON'T KNOW. SHE'S
BEEN ACTING REALLY WEIRD
EVER SINCE SHE'S BEEN WITH HIM.
YEAH. SHE'S NOT OUR
SHARON ANYMORE.
SHE LOOKS DIFFERENT.
SHE ACTS DIFFERENT.
SHE'S... HAPPY.
WH... WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT..?
OH, NO!
PODS!
THEY GOT YOU, TOO!
I'M THE ONLY ONE LEFT!
WHATEVER YOU DO,
DON'T FALL ASLEEP!
BERG, LET'S FACE IT.
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS,
BUT MR. BAUER MAKES SENSE.
NOT THAT WE'RE PODS.
BUT ABOUT SHARON BEING HAPPY.
TED IS PERFECT FOR HER.
I ALWAYS KNEW SOMEDAY
WE'D LOSE SHARON.
I JUST DIDN'T THINK
IT'D BE THIS SOON.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE
TO BE... DON'T SAY IT!
MATURE.
OH, YOU SAID IT.
ALL RIGHT, HERE THEY COME.
LET'S NOT SCREW THIS UP FOR HER.
ALL RIGHT.
FOR SHARON.
FOR SHARON.
HEY, LOOK WHO'S HERE!
SHAR! TED!
HEY, GUYS.
HEY, GOOD TO SEE YA.
YOU SHOULD SEE THIS
GUY UNCLOG A WINDPIPE.
I HEARD.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
DRINKING MARTINIS?
HEY, CAN WE GET YOU
GUYS SOMETHING TO EAT?
BILL!
YOU DID NOT JUST SNAP AT ME!
NO. ACTUALLY, WE'RE
ON OUR WAY TO VERMONT.
YEAH. TED SURPRISED ME.
TED! TED!
WOULD YOU GUYS WATER MY PLANTS?
I AM SO WATERING YOUR PLANTS.
THANK YOU.
WELL, WE SHOULD GET GOING.
OK. BYE.
WAIT, WAIT.
BEFORE YOU GO, TED, I
GOTTA TELL YOU SOMETHING.
THIS IS ONE GREAT
GIRL... I KNOW.
AND YOU TWO MAKE
SUCH A GREAT COUPLE.
LISTEN TO THIS MAN.
THANKS, GUYS.
AND YOU TWO...
WE HAVE A REAL FEELING.
YEAH.
AND SHE IS GOING TO
MAKE A GREAT MOM.
WHOA!
PETE... COME ON,
SHAR. YOU FEED US,
YOU KEEP OUR HEAT ON,
YOU TUCK US IN AT NIGHT.
JUST KIDDING, TED.
AND IF YOUR KIDS AREN'T
BLOND, SOMEBODY'S CHEATING.
I KID, TOO.
OK. BYE, YOU GUYS.
GET OUTTA HERE,
YOU TWO. DRIVE SAFE.
WE'LL GO OUT WHEN YOU GET BACK.
OH, AND, TED... NEXT
TIME, DRINKS ON SHARON.
HA! YOU GOT IT!
TELL YOU, BERG, WE
ARE SUCH GOOD GUYS.
I AM SO PROUD OF US.
LOOK AT US... FRIDGE IS
STOCKED, CLOTHES ARE CLEAN,
AND TUESDAY, THE
GAS COMES BACK ON.
BECAUSE I GOT STAMPS...
"LEGENDS OF THE RODEO."
A 32-CENT SALUTE
TO A BYGONE ERA.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
SHARON! WHAT HAPPENED?
WHY ARE YOU BACK SO SOON?
GIMME MY KEYS. I'M GOING TO BED.
WHAT'S WRONG? WHERE'S TED?
AT HOME, THANKS TO THE
FATHERS OF THE BRIDE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WE WERE ON OUR BEST BEHAVIOR.
WELL, AFTER YOU GUYS GAVE
ME AWAY AT THE PIZZA PLACE...
WE GOT ON THE ROAD, AND...
HE JUST STARTS TALKING TO ME
ABOUT FLYING TO NORTH
CAROLINA TO MEET HIS PARENTS.
I MEAN, TALKING CHURCHES,
GOOD SCHOOL DISTRICTS.
I THOUGHT HE WAS GONNA PULL OVER
AND REGISTER AT CRATE AND BARREL.
SO THANKS A LOT. I HAD A
PERFECTLY GOOD BOYFRIEND,
AND YOU HAD TO GO AND
TURN HIM INTO A HUSBAND.
WE WERE BEING MATURE.
WELL, I'M NOT
READY TO BE MATURE.
I'M NOT DONE BEING
FRIENDS WITH YOU GUYS YET.
WELL, ISN'T THAT
WHAT YOU WANTED...
THE HOUSE, THE KIDS?
YEAH, EVENTUALLY, BUT NOT NOW.
SO IT'S OVER?
YEAH.
YOU KNOW,
I FINALLY FIND A
GUY I REALLY LIKE,
AND HE OVER COMMITS.
WAIT A SECOND. JUICE, EGGS...
YOU GUYS HAVE FOOD!
WOW! I'M IMPRESSED.
AND WE'RE GETTING
THE GAS BACK ON.
HEY, YOU GUYS WANNA GO
UP AND WATCH BIG-SCREEN TV?
ONE SEC.
YEAH, BUT YOU GOTTA
LOSE THE SCARF.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE'RE GONNA HOLD
ONTO THIS FOR YOU.
YOU MAY WANT IT
AGAIN DOWN THE ROAD.
Shoes: 26 MILES.
YOU'RE A WINNER!
I'M A WINNER.
THAT'S IT.
PETE, DON'T! PETE, GET
A HOLD OF YOURSELF!
COME ON!
DON'T!
TURNER! HOOCH!
YOU'RE HOME!
PETE, LOOK WHO'S HERE.
DON'T YOU HAVE SOMETHING
YOU WANNA SAY TO THEM?
SORRY, GUYS. COME ON IN.
I WILL RIP OFF YOUR ARM, AND
BEAT YOU UNCONSCIOUS WITH IT.
YAAAH! MY ARM!
GET AWAY FROM
ME WITH PETE'S ARM!
BERG! WE GOT A
CHOICE THIS MONTH.
WE EITHER LOSE CINEMAX...
OR WE SELL OUR PLASMA.
HAVE NO FEAR. I GOT IT COVERED.
OH, BERG, NO MORE
MEDICAL EXPERIMENTS.
JUST REMEMBER, MY EYE DROP
EXPERIMENT PAID FOR THAT COUCH.
AND, BERG, WHAT COLOR
WOULD YOU SAY THAT COUCH IS?
I DON'T KNOW.
BLUE.
IT'S JUST PRODUCT TESTING.
"MARATHON PERSONAL TRAINERS.
YOU'LL NEVER RUN ALONE."
ALL I HAVE TO DO IS
WEAR THESE FOR 26 MILES
AND RECORD MY EXPERIENCE.
10:38 A.M. THEY
ARE... COMFORTABLE...
WITH FIRM SUPPORT.
Recorded voice: CONGRATULATIONS!
AND WELCOME TO YOUR
MARATHON PERSONAL TRAINERS!
OH, PETE, CAN I KEEP THEM?
I SWEAR, I'LL TAKE CARE OF THEM!
OH, LORD, GIVE ME STRENGTH.
STOP PUTTING YOUR SWEATY SHIRTS
IN MY LAUNDRY.
IT'S ONE SHIRT.
WITH THE STINK OF 6.
AND IF YOU'RE THROUGH
WITH MY TRAVEL MUG...
ACTUALLY...
Shoes: SLOW DOWN. YOU
STILL HAVE 25.7 MILES TO GO.
ARE YOUR SHOES TALKING?
GOT YOUR ATTENTION, DID THEY?
10:40: BABES DIG 'EM.
BERG...
BERG, DO YOU NOTICE ANYTHING
DIFFERENT ABOUT OUR SHARON?
NO, NOTHING...
EXCEPT THAT SOMEBODY
GIFT-WRAPPED HER NECK.
COME ON. IT'S A SCARF.
TED GAVE ME THIS SCARF.
I THINK IT'S CUTE.
TED? TED?
BERG, SHE HAS A TED.
YES, TED. HIS NAME'S TED.
JUST NOT USED TO
THEM HAVING NAMES.
WELL, HE'S GOT ONE, IT'S TED,
AND I GOTTA GET TO WORK.
WORK? OR IS TED WHISKING
YOU AWAY TO SCARF WAREHOUSE?
OR HOUSE OF SCARVES?
SCARF DEPOT. JIFFY SCARVES.
YOU TWO HAVE FUN.
WE'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT, RIGHT?
OH, I HAVE PLANS.
IT'S THURSDAY. YOU
CAN'T HAVE PLANS.
IT'S YOUR NIGHT TO COME TO THE
PIZZA PLACE AND WATCH US WORK.
SORRY.
IT'S UNLIMITED TOPPINGS NIGHT.
GUYS, IF IT'S OK WITH YOU,
I'M TRYING TO HAVE A LIFE.
ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME!
I'LL SAY. DID YOU SLIP MY
SHIRT BACK IN THE BAG?
YEAH, AND MY BOXERS.
EXCELLENT.
AND IF YOU GUYS
NEED ANYTHING ELSE,
JUST CALL FOR ME.
MY NAME'S "HEY...
YOU'RE DARN GOOD-LOOKIN'."
Shoes: 10 MILES.
KEEP IT UP, CHAMP!
KEEP THOSE SNEAKERS QUIET,
OR I'M GONNA TEAR
THEIR TONGUES OUT.
I'LL JUST LOWER THE VOLUME.
4:47: FEET ARE
HAPPY. BILL'S TICKED.
HOW WAS THE CELTIC
GAME LAST NIGHT?
UH, SHARON CANCELED ON
ME, SO I HAD TO TAKE MELISSA.
OH, WHAT A SHAME, HAVING TO
GO OUT WITH YOUR OWN GIRLFRIEND.
BILL, I LOVE MELISSA, JUST NOT
AT A CELTIC GAME, YOU KNOW?
EVERY TIME THEY MISS A SHOT, SHE
SAYS, "IT'S GONNA BE OK, SWEETIE."
WHAT DOES SHARON DO?
SHARON SCREAMS, "HEY,
YOU MAKE 7 MILLION A YEAR!
MAKE THE SHOT!"
AND THE OTHER DAY, SHE WAS
SUPPOSED TO COME WITH ME
ON THAT BUS TOUR
OF HISTORIC BOSTON.
WHERE THE GUYS DRESS
UP LIKE MINUTEMEN?
YEAH. WE SIT ON THE UPPER
DECK, AND WHEN THE GUY SAYS,
"THIS IS WHERE PAUL REVERE
TOOK HIS MIDNIGHT RIDE,"
WE BOTH YELL,
"YEAH! ON YOUR MOM!"
EXERCISING THE FIRST AMENDMENT.
WHEN I DO THAT BIT WITH
SHARON, PEOPLE LAUGH.
BUT WHEN I DID IT ALONE,
THEY SAID, "HONEY, MOVE
AWAY FROM THAT MAN."
HEY, GUYS.
SHARON! PETE, IT'S SHARON,
COME TO WATCH US WORK.
SO, YOU COULDN'T
STAY AWAY, COULD YOU?
YOU'RE JUST IN TIME. I WAS
JUST ABOUT TO STUFF A PEPPER.
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO
WATCH YOU GUYS WORK.
I CAME TO PICK UP A PIZZA.
HEY, BILL, IS THAT
ORDER FOR TED READY?
TED. ONE LARGE PIE:
EGGPLANT, MUSHROOMS,
AND GREEN PEPPERS.
YUCK.
MY GOD! FIRST, HE'S GOT
YOU WEARING SCARVES,
THEN HE'S GOT YOU
EATING VEGETABLES.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW, IT'S, "COME
ON, SHARON. LET'S SMOKE SOME CRACK."
WHAT'S IN THE BAG?
VIDEOS.
WHAT KIND OF VIDEOS?
NONE-OF-YOUR-BUSINESS VIDEOS.
BERG, COME ON,
GIVE IT BACK! BERG!
SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE?
WHEN HARRY MET SALLY?
THESE ARE ALL MEG RYAN MOVIES.
YOU HATE MEG RYAN.
I KNOW... BUT TED
THINKS I LOOK LIKE HER.
WHAT WAS THAT?
WHAT IS THIS GUY DOING TO HER?
THAT IS NOT OUR SHARON.
YOU'RE MORE RIGHT THAN YOU KNOW.
HAVE YOU NOTICED PEOPLE HAVE
BEEN ACTING STRANGELY OF LATE?
ALMOST AS IF THEY'RE
NOT REALLY THEMSELVES?
OH, SURE, THEY LOOK
THE SAME, BUT INSIDE...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS
HAVE TO TALK TO ME?
POD PEOPLE.
PETE, THERE'S A DELIVERY.
YES, PETE, HURRY.
"BILL" NEEDS YOU.
HE'LL BE RIGHT THERE... "BILL."
Shoes: WELCOME
BACK! READY TO RUN?
HELLO, TURNER. MORNING, HOOCH.
BERG!
WHY IS THERE NO HOT WATER?
YOU WERE SUPPOSED
TO MAIL THE BILL.
SHARON HASN'T BEEN
AROUND ALL WEEK,
SO I COULDN'T SCORE STAMPS.
OH. OH, WELL, LISTEN...
I'LL GIVE YOU THE NAME
OF HER CONNECTION.
THE POST OFFICE!
Shoes: REMEMBER TO BREATHE!
OK, I'M GONNA START
HATING THOSE NOW.
LEAVE THEM ALONE.
ALL THEY SAID WAS "BREATHE."
YOU HAD IT IN FOR MY SHOES
THE MOMENT YOU MET 'EM.
YOU NEVER EVEN
GAVE THEM A CHANCE.
YOU JUST... ASSUME BECAUSE THEY'RE
SHOES, YOU CAN'T BE FRIENDS WITH THEM.
I'D RATHER BE FRIENDS
WITH THEM THAN WITH YOU.
THAT WASN'T NICE.
I'M NOT MAD AT YOU.
I'M MAD AT SHARON.
I MEAN, SHE'S COMPLETELY
THROWN OFF THE BALANCE OF OUR...
DELICATE ECOSYSTEM.
PLUS, WE HAVE TO WATCH SMALL TV.
WE CAN'T GO ON LIVING LIKE THIS.
I SAY WE MARCH UP
TO HER APARTMENT
AND SET THINGS STRAIGHT...
WE TAKE BACK OUR LAUNDRY,
BORROW SOME STAMPS...
GRAB A QUICK SHOWER...
AND LET HER APOLOGIZE.
Shoes: NOTHING CAN STOP
YOU. YOU'RE A WINNER!
8:40: FIRM ARCH SUPPORT
AND... EMOTIONAL SUPPORT.
PANCAKES! PANCAKES!
HONEY, WE'RE HOME!
SHARON!
SHARON, THERE'S SOMETHING
WRONG WITH YOUR DOOR!
EXCUSE ME. CAN I HELP YOU GUYS?
WE'RE LOOKING FOR SHARON.
SHH. SHE'S STILL ASLEEP.
I'M TED, AND YOU ARE..?
WE'RE PETE AND BERG.
WE LIVE DOWNSTAIRS.
WE ALL WENT TO SCHOOL TOGETHER.
WE'RE HER BEST FRIENDS.
OH, REALLY? WELL, IT'S
NICE TO MEET YOU, PETE.
UH, BERT.
I'LL TELL SHARON YOU STOPPED BY.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHAT, BERT?
I SAY WE START HATING HIM NOW.
OOH, LOOK AT ME... I'M TED.
SHH! YOU MIGHT WAKE UP SHARON.
WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH HIM?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT WE DON'T
GET TO SEE OUR SHARON
BECAUSE OF BATTER BOY.
I DON'T THINK SO.
WE NEED TO EXTRICATE
HIM FROM HER LIFE AND OURS.
AND FAST.
YOU KNOW,
TURNER AND HOOCH
WERE TALKING EARLIER...
AND THEY SAID SOMETHING
VERY INTRIGUING.
DON'T QUOTE YOUR SHOES.
"STAY CLOSE TO THE LEADER,
OR THE RACE IS LOST."
WHAT DO YOU THINK
THEY MEANT BY THAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
I'LL TAKE THEM FOR
A WALK IN THE PARK,
TRY AND GET IT OUT OF THEM.
OK, KIDS, LOOK WHAT I GOT:
HOMEMADE PLAY-DOH.
OOH! NOW, WHAT DO WE SAY?
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
VERY GOOD!
EWW!
RACHEL, SOMEDAY,
WHEN YOU GROW UP,
AND YOU MEET SOMEONE
YOU REALLY LIKE,
YOU WON'T THINK
KISSING IS SO YUCKY.
MMM-WAH!
EWW!
HEY, GUYS, WHAT'S UP?
TED SAID YOU STOPPED BY.
TED? YOU MEAN, THE GUY
WHO'S NEVER HEARD OF ME.
NO, NO. HE'S HEARD OF YOU.
YOU'RE, UM... BERT.
I'M SORRY,
BUT WHEN YOU'RE FIRST
STARTING TO DATE A GUY,
YOU DON'T LEAD OFF WITH,
"HEY, MY BEST FRIENDS
ARE TWO GOOD-LOOKING GUYS
WHO LIVE DOWNSTAIRS."
GIVE US A SEC.
OK, THE "GOOD-LOOKING" THING...
VALIANT TRY...
BUT IT DOESN'T GET
YOU OFF THE HOOK.
NO WAY.
MELISSA, HELP ME OUT HERE.
OH, SURE. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
WHAT'S UP?
WHEN YOU FIRST
STARTED TO DATE PETE,
DID HE TELL YOU ABOUT ME?
ABSOLUTELY. SEE?
REALLY? YEAH!
THE FIRST NIGHT
PETE AND I MADE LOVE,
YOU SCREAMED, "KNOCK
IT OFF DOWN THERE,
OR I'LL SHOOT YOUR WHORE."
MADE ME CURIOUS ABOUT YOU.
OH, SO THEY'RE
CURIOUS ABOUT TED.
ALL I KNOW IS THE
THREE OF YOU TOGETHER
CAN BE KIND OF INTIMIDATING.
IT'S A TOUGH CLUB TO
GET INTO, YOU KNOW?
PLUS, THERE'S A 2-DRINK MINIMUM.
OW!
NO, RACHEL. WE BITE OUR
FOOD, NOT OUR FRIENDS.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
WE'RE NOT BEING FAIR.
WE SHOULD GET TO KNOW HIM.
GREAT. I AM FREE EVERY
NIGHT THIS WEEK BUT TONIGHT.
TONIGHT IT IS.
NO, NO. I WANNA BE THERE.
WE'LL BE FINE WITHOUT YOU.
IT'LL BE JUST US GUYS.
GUYS' NIGHT OUT.
BUT I'M A GUY.
YOU LOST YOUR GUY RIGHTS
WHEN YOU PUT ON THE SCARF.
OK, FINE, BUT BEHAVE.
WE'LL JUST BE OURSELVES.
PLEASE DON'T.
I REALLY LIKE THIS GUY.
FINE. 7:00, MAHONEY'S.
FINE.
KEEP YOUR EYES WIDE OPEN.
SHOW NO INTEREST OR EXCITEMENT.
DON'T TRUST ANYONE.
HEY, HOW YOU KIDS DOING?
JUST FINE... "BILL."
I'M BILL!
Shoes: REMEMBER TO
DRINK PLENTY OF FLUIDS!
HEAR, HEAR!
OK... 7:02: WE MEET TED.
7:03: WE LIQUOR HIM UP
AND TROLL HIS SOUL
FOR DEEP, DARK SECRETS.
THEN WE TELL SHARON
WHAT A LOUSE HE IS.
BY 10:45, WE'RE BACK IN
FRONT OF HER BIG-SCREEN TV,
WHERE WE SO RIGHTFULLY BELONG.
FOR SHARON.
FOR SHARON.
DOES THIS MAKE US SELFISH?
NOT AT ALL.
LOOK, SHARON'S NOT
ACTING LIKE HERSELF, RIGHT?
AND ANY GUY WHO FORCES
HER NOT TO BE HER...
OUGHT NOT TO BE WITH HER.
SOLD!
HEY, PETE! BERG.
GOSH, I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
I GOT HELD UP AT THE GYM.
THAT'S OK. GOTTA WORK
OFF THOSE PANCAKES.
ACTUALLY, I'M IN THIS
BIG BROTHER PROGRAM,
AND THE BASKETBALL
GAME WENT INTO OVERTIME.
I COULDN'T JUST
WALK OUT ON BOBBY,
NOT AFTER HIS
MOTHER AND FATHER DID.
WHO WANTS A DRINK? HEY.
HEY, GUYS! HI, TINA.
WHAT ARE YOU HAVING?
THE USUAL.
THIS ROUND'S ON ME.
THE USUAL, OF
COURSE, BEING MARTINIS.
DOUBLE. EXTRA OLIVES.
BOY, THEY SAW YOU COMING, HUH?
AND A CLUB SODA.
CLUB SODA?
SORRY, FELLAS. I'VE GOT AN
EARLY DEPOSITION IN THE MORNING.
COME ON. I GOT A CLASS.
IT'S A REALLY IMPORTANT CASE.
BLOW IT OFF.
HEH HEH! SHARON WARNED
ME ABOUT YOU GUYS.
SO, YOU'RE A LAWYER.
YEP.
THAT MUST BE TOUGH...
CAPITALIZING OFF OTHER
PEOPLE'S MISFORTUNES.
NO, NO. I'M IN
ENVIRONMENTAL LAW.
THAT'S WHERE I MET SHARON.
MY FIRM WAS FIGHTING
HER CHEMICAL COMPANY.
THERE I WAS, MAKING A
PASSIONATE PLEA TO THE JURY
ABOUT ALL THE TRUMPET
SWANS THAT WERE KILLED,
I POINTED ACCUSINGLY
AT THE DEFENSE TABLE,
AND THERE SHE WAS.
HE, UH, DEFENDS SWANS, PETE.
HERE YOU GO, THURSTON, LOVEY.
AND A CLUB SODA.
WHOA! DID YOU FEEL THAT HEAT?
OH, MAN, SHE WAS ALL OVER YOU.
YOU THINK?
DEFINITELY.
COULDN'T BE MORE OBVIOUS.
SINCE I MET SHARON, I JUST
DON'T PICK UP ON THAT STUFF...
OH! WHOA!
IT'S OK, IT'S OK.
JUST A CLUB SODA.
A LITTLE RED WINE
SHOULD GET THIS RIGHT OUT.
BE RIGHT BACK.
HA HA HA! HO HO HO HO... KAY.
TRUMPET SWANS, BIG
BROTHERS, SODA, COME ON!
DON'T LET HIM SUCK YOU IN.
ANYONE WITH A YARD THIS NICE
HAS TO HAVE SOMETHING
BURIED UNDERNEATH.
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
NO ONE'S THIS PERFECT.
WE'LL FIND OUT WHAT'S
WRONG WITH HIM.
FOR SHARON.
FOR SHARON.
BERG, STOP FOOLING AROUND.
YEAH, RIGHT. HA HA.
YOU'RE FAKING THIS.
BERG, ARE YOU FAKING THIS?
BERG, TELL ME
YOU'RE FAKING THIS!
YOU SAVED HIS LIFE.
WHAT A SHOW-OFF.
PETE, TABLE 3.
ALL RIGHT, IN A SEC.
BEFORE IT PETRIFIES.
GO ALONG, PETE.
YOU DON'T WANT TO UPSET "BILL."
HEY, BILL, WHAT ARE
WE GONNA TELL SHARON?
SHE'S ON HER WAY OVER.
WHAT, YOU DIDN'T LIKE THIS GUY?
HE'S ALL RIGHT.
HE'S RESPONSIBLE.
HE'S GENEROUS. HE'S LOYAL.
HE'S JUST COMPLETELY
WRONG FOR US.
WHO CARES ABOUT YOU?
IS HE GOOD FOR SHARON?
I DON'T KNOW. SHE'S
BEEN ACTING REALLY WEIRD
EVER SINCE SHE'S BEEN WITH HIM.
YEAH. SHE'S NOT OUR
SHARON ANYMORE.
SHE LOOKS DIFFERENT.
SHE ACTS DIFFERENT.
SHE'S... HAPPY.
WH... WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT..?
OH, NO!
PODS!
THEY GOT YOU, TOO!
I'M THE ONLY ONE LEFT!
WHATEVER YOU DO,
DON'T FALL ASLEEP!
BERG, LET'S FACE IT.
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS,
BUT MR. BAUER MAKES SENSE.
NOT THAT WE'RE PODS.
BUT ABOUT SHARON BEING HAPPY.
TED IS PERFECT FOR HER.
I ALWAYS KNEW SOMEDAY
WE'D LOSE SHARON.
I JUST DIDN'T THINK
IT'D BE THIS SOON.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE
TO BE... DON'T SAY IT!
MATURE.
OH, YOU SAID IT.
ALL RIGHT, HERE THEY COME.
LET'S NOT SCREW THIS UP FOR HER.
ALL RIGHT.
FOR SHARON.
FOR SHARON.
HEY, LOOK WHO'S HERE!
SHAR! TED!
HEY, GUYS.
HEY, GOOD TO SEE YA.
YOU SHOULD SEE THIS
GUY UNCLOG A WINDPIPE.
I HEARD.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
DRINKING MARTINIS?
HEY, CAN WE GET YOU
GUYS SOMETHING TO EAT?
BILL!
YOU DID NOT JUST SNAP AT ME!
NO. ACTUALLY, WE'RE
ON OUR WAY TO VERMONT.
YEAH. TED SURPRISED ME.
TED! TED!
WOULD YOU GUYS WATER MY PLANTS?
I AM SO WATERING YOUR PLANTS.
THANK YOU.
WELL, WE SHOULD GET GOING.
OK. BYE.
WAIT, WAIT.
BEFORE YOU GO, TED, I
GOTTA TELL YOU SOMETHING.
THIS IS ONE GREAT
GIRL... I KNOW.
AND YOU TWO MAKE
SUCH A GREAT COUPLE.
LISTEN TO THIS MAN.
THANKS, GUYS.
AND YOU TWO...
WE HAVE A REAL FEELING.
YEAH.
AND SHE IS GOING TO
MAKE A GREAT MOM.
WHOA!
PETE... COME ON,
SHAR. YOU FEED US,
YOU KEEP OUR HEAT ON,
YOU TUCK US IN AT NIGHT.
JUST KIDDING, TED.
AND IF YOUR KIDS AREN'T
BLOND, SOMEBODY'S CHEATING.
I KID, TOO.
OK. BYE, YOU GUYS.
GET OUTTA HERE,
YOU TWO. DRIVE SAFE.
WE'LL GO OUT WHEN YOU GET BACK.
OH, AND, TED... NEXT
TIME, DRINKS ON SHARON.
HA! YOU GOT IT!
TELL YOU, BERG, WE
ARE SUCH GOOD GUYS.
I AM SO PROUD OF US.
LOOK AT US... FRIDGE IS
STOCKED, CLOTHES ARE CLEAN,
AND TUESDAY, THE
GAS COMES BACK ON.
BECAUSE I GOT STAMPS...
"LEGENDS OF THE RODEO."
A 32-CENT SALUTE
TO A BYGONE ERA.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
SHARON! WHAT HAPPENED?
WHY ARE YOU BACK SO SOON?
GIMME MY KEYS. I'M GOING TO BED.
WHAT'S WRONG? WHERE'S TED?
AT HOME, THANKS TO THE
FATHERS OF THE BRIDE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WE WERE ON OUR BEST BEHAVIOR.
WELL, AFTER YOU GUYS GAVE
ME AWAY AT THE PIZZA PLACE...
WE GOT ON THE ROAD, AND...
HE JUST STARTS TALKING TO ME
ABOUT FLYING TO NORTH
CAROLINA TO MEET HIS PARENTS.
I MEAN, TALKING CHURCHES,
GOOD SCHOOL DISTRICTS.
I THOUGHT HE WAS GONNA PULL OVER
AND REGISTER AT CRATE AND BARREL.
SO THANKS A LOT. I HAD A
PERFECTLY GOOD BOYFRIEND,
AND YOU HAD TO GO AND
TURN HIM INTO A HUSBAND.
WE WERE BEING MATURE.
WELL, I'M NOT
READY TO BE MATURE.
I'M NOT DONE BEING
FRIENDS WITH YOU GUYS YET.
WELL, ISN'T THAT
WHAT YOU WANTED...
THE HOUSE, THE KIDS?
YEAH, EVENTUALLY, BUT NOT NOW.
SO IT'S OVER?
YEAH.
YOU KNOW,
I FINALLY FIND A
GUY I REALLY LIKE,
AND HE OVER COMMITS.
WAIT A SECOND. JUICE, EGGS...
YOU GUYS HAVE FOOD!
WOW! I'M IMPRESSED.
AND WE'RE GETTING
THE GAS BACK ON.
HEY, YOU GUYS WANNA GO
UP AND WATCH BIG-SCREEN TV?
ONE SEC.
YEAH, BUT YOU GOTTA
LOSE THE SCARF.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE'RE GONNA HOLD
ONTO THIS FOR YOU.
YOU MAY WANT IT
AGAIN DOWN THE ROAD.
Shoes: 26 MILES.
YOU'RE A WINNER!
I'M A WINNER.
THAT'S IT.
PETE, DON'T! PETE, GET
A HOLD OF YOURSELF!
COME ON!
DON'T!
TURNER! HOOCH!
YOU'RE HOME!
PETE, LOOK WHO'S HERE.
DON'T YOU HAVE SOMETHING
YOU WANNA SAY TO THEM?
SORRY, GUYS. COME ON IN.