Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

BOY!

YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN ME
LAST NIGHT AT O'MALLEY'S.

I SAT IN WITH THE BAND.

OK, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING,
BUT I SAT THERE.

GEE, BERG, I'M SORRY
I MISSED IT, BUT...

YOU KNOW WHAT? IT
HIT ME THE OTHER DAY.

I'M ACTUALLY HERE
TO GET A DEGREE.

HEY, COME WATCH WOMEN'S
SOFTBALL WITH ME TODAY.

HEY! I GOTTA GO TO CLASS.

BERG, WE CAN'T ALL E
PHILOSOPHY MAJORS.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT A
BUNCH OF GUYS IN SANDALS



DID MY HOMEWORK FOR
ME 4,000 YEARS AGO. HMM.

THAT'S MINE.

EHH.

SO WHAT DO YOU PLAN TO
DO AFTER GRAD SCHOOL?

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST
LET ME BE HAPPY?

BECAUSE IT'S NOT
FAIR TO THE REST OF US.

I MEAN, LOOK, YOU
TRIPLE-MAJORED IN UNDERGRAD,

AND YOU NEVER EVEN
OPENED UP A BOOK.

THAT'S THE WONDER OF ME.

NO. THAT'S NOT THE
WONDER OF YOU.

THAT'S THE TROUBLE WITH YOU.

YOU'RE ALWAYS JUST SKATING BY.

RIGHT? AND SOME DAY, YOU'RE
GONNA HIT A ROUGH SPOT.

WHO POURED YOU A DOUBLE
MOCHA GRUMPY THIS MORNING, HUH?



I'M NOT GRUMPY.

IT'S JUST THAT I SPENT
ALL NIGHT ON THIS,

I GOT A TEST IN STRUCTURES, WE
HAVE TO BE AT WORK AT 3:00, AND...

I'M BREAKING UP
WITH MELISSA TODAY.

OH, BOY.

WE HAVE TO BE AT WORK AT 3:00?

I'M BREAKING UP
WITH MELISSA TODAY.

ONE HOLE, COME ON.

BERG, I CAN'T BE LATE.

WHEN SHARON STOPS DOWN,
WE'LL MAKE HER GIVE US A RIDE.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
SHE'S GONNA STOP DOWN?

I STOLE HER LAST
ROLL OF TOILET PAPER.

OH, BERG, I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.

SO WHAT THE HELL'S GOING
ON WITH YOU AND MELISSA?

I DON'T KNOW. LOOK.

NEXT WEEK IS OUR
6-MONTH ANNIVERSARY,

AND THE LEASE IS
UP ON HONG KONG.

HUH?

THE CHINESE ARE TAKING
BACK THE LEASE ON HONG KONG.

REALLY? I NEVER KNEW
THE CHINESE WERE LEASING.

I MEAN, THINK ABOUT
ALL THOSE PEOPLE

WHO WORKED SO HARD TO
MAKE HONG KONG WHAT IT IS.

RIGHT, FOR WHAT?

THEY HAVE NO FUTURE,
JUST LIKE MELISSA AND ME.

I MEAN, IF I WAS MEANT TO
SPEND MY LIFE WITH HER,

I'D BE THINKING ABOUT
GETTING MARRIED BY NOW.

NOW, DO YOU SEE ME
SHOPPING FOR A RING? NO.

THUSLY, WE ARE LIVING IN HONG KONG
WAITING FOR OUR LEASE TO RUN OUT.

QUIT THINKING SO MUCH.

YOU LIKE HER. SHE ADORES YOU.

SCREW THE FUTURE.

ONE UNDER.

MELISSA'S TERRIFIC, RIGHT?

BUT SHE'S JUST...
SHE'S NOT THE ONE.

8:45, ALL IS CLEAR.

SINCE WHEN DO YOU HAVE ASTHMA?

I DON'T. SO MELISSA'S
NOT THE ONE, HUH?

BERG, YOU GOTTA STOP
DOING THESE EXPERIMENTS.

YOU'RE GONNA HURT YOURSELF.

IT PAYS 50 BUCKS.

BUT YOU DON'T HAVE ASTHMA!

DON'T NEED IT.

YOU KNOW HOW THEY ALWAYS SAY

NOT TO EXCEED THE
RECOMMENDED DAILY DOSAGE?

YEAH.

WELL, I'M THE GUY...

WHO EXCEEDS IT SO THEY
KNOW WHY YOU SHOULDN'T.

WELL, I'M THE GUY WHO HAD
TO DRIVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL

WHEN THAT NEW FOOT SPRAY
MADE YOUR TOENAILS FALL OFF.

THEY GREW BACK THICKER.

BERG, YOU JUST CAN'T.

YOU HATE BEING SINGLE...

NO. DON'T CHANGE
THE SUBJECT YET.

DATING, GETTING USED TO SOMEONE
NEW, FINDING OUT THEIR QUIRKS.

WHAT'S MELISSA'S? WHAT?

QUIRK?

NOTHING.

PETER, WE DON'T PLAY THAT.

ALL RIGHT. YOU
CAN'T TELL ANYONE.

AS SOON AS YOU TELL ME,
I'M CHOPPING OFF MY TONGUE.

MELISSA... YEAH.

WHEN WE'RE GOING AT IT... YEAH.

SHE STARTS TO LAUGH.

BUT, LIKE, UNCONTROLLABLY.

SHARON!

YOU GUYS SUCK!

SO SEX MAKES MELISSA HAPPY.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. WE
ARE WAY PAST HAPPY.

THIS IS PSYCHOTIC.

IT'S MANIACAL.

IT'S LIKE... HMM
HMM HMM HA HA HA.

HMM HMM HA HA HA HA.

HM HA HA HA HA HA.

THAT'S WHAT THAT IS?

DID YOU PUT THE SEAT BACK UP?

YEAH. WHY DO WE SUCK?

BECAUSE...

WE ALL GRADUATE TOGETHER,
YET I HAVE TO PUT ON HEELS,

WHICH I HATE,

AND GO OUT IN THE REAL
WORLD AND SELL CHEMICALS,

WHICH I HATE,

WHILE YOU TWO KNUCKLEHEADS
GET TO PLAY GOLF.

WHICH I ALSO HATE.

YEAH, BUT YOU MAKE,
LIKE, A BAZILLION DOLLARS.

SELLING MY SOUL.

LOOK, IF I CLOSE
THIS DEAL TODAY,

I MAKE COMMISSION ON 500
GALLONS OF TOXIC CLEANER

I'M SELLING TO SOME OIL RIG.

SO I CAN ENJOY A
WEEKEND AT THE CAPE,

WHILE KILLING OFF ALL SEALIFE
BETWEEN HERE AND GUAM.

OH, I HATE MYSELF!

YEAH, BUT YOU LOVE YOUR BEEMER.

LOVE IT!

WHY DON'T YOU DROP ME OFF
WHEN YOU TAKE PETE TO CLASS?

WHAT, I'M TAKING PETE TO CLASS?

THAT'S PERFECT. LET US BE OFF.

PETE'S BREAKING UP
WITH MELISSA TODAY.

GOOD.

GOOD? YOU SAID YOU LIKED HER.

LIED.

SO?

SO?

HOW'D SHE TAKE IT?

I'D SAY PRETTY WELL.

YOU DIDN'T DO IT. NO.

I MADE A LUNCH
DATE TO DO IT HERE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, OH, I GOT EVERYTHING
PLANNED OUT. OK.

WHY IT'S BEST FOR HER.

WHY WE SHOULD STAY FRIENDS.

THINGS TO SAY WHEN
SHE STARTS TO CRY.

YOU KNOW, THIS BEHAVIOR
REFLECTS BADLY ON BOTH OF US.

HEY, BILL, I'M THINKING
IT MIGHT BE TIME

TO SPRING FOR SOME NEW CUSHIONS.

GOOD IDEA.

AND MAYBE SOME CURTAINS
AND A LITTLE PAINT JOB, TOO.

THERE YOU GO.

MAYBE WE SHOULD
THINK UP A NEW NAME

'CAUSE I TELL YOU WHAT,

IT WON'T BE BEACON
STREET PIZZA NO MORE.

IT WON'T BE THE SAME
PLACE MY DADDY BUILT. HERE...

BUILD YOUR OWN DAMN PLACE.

GOOD GOING, PETE.

I DIDN'T... ACHH...
WHAT'S WITH HIM?

HE'S BREAKING UP WITH MELISSA.

WHAT DOES HE WANT
TO DO THAT FOR?

HE FEELS SHE'S NOT THE ONE.

TELL HIM TO SHUT UP.

HEY, PETE, I FOUND YOU THAT
ARTICLE ON MARLON BRANDO'S TRAINER.

THANKS, MR. BAUER.

WHY IS HE ALWAYS
BRINGING ME THINGS?

HE LOVES YOU.

HE'S DELUSIONAL.

HE'S CONSTANTLY TELLING
ME STORIES ABOUT HIS LIFE

THAT I KNOW ARE FROM MOVIES.

WE DON'T KNOW THAT.

BERG, THERE WAS NO WAY HE WAS
ONE OF THE APPLE DUMPLING GANG.

Berg: INCOMING.

OH, IT'S MELISSA.

SHE WORE HER HAIR DOWN.

I JUST WANT YOU TO
KNOW I SUPPORT YOU 100%.

BILL, IT'S STARTING.

HEY.

HEY, SWEETIE.

HEY, BILL. HI, MR. BAUER.

BERG.

WHAT'S THIS?

MY CLASS MADE YOU COOKIES.

AW!

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.

OH, THEY LOVE YOU,

'CAUSE THEY KNOW I LOVE YOU.

MELISSA, YOU KNOW HOW THE
LEASE IS RUNNING OUT ON HONG KONG?

SURE. WELL...

ALTHOUGH THERE
IS THAT STIPULATION

THAT CHINA HAS TO
ENSURE THE PRESERVATION

OF HONG KONG'S WAY OF LIFE,

BOTH SOCIALLY AND ECONOMICALLY,

FOR AT LEAST ANOTHER 50 YEARS.

SO HONG KONG'S STILL
GONNA BE HONG KONG?

YEAH, OF COURSE.

GOD, YOU'RE SMART.

WHAT ARE THESE?

OH! SORRY.

ARE YOU OK?

YEAH. I WAS TRYING
TO HAND THEM TO YOU.

SPILLING THE WATER.

BILL, WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THAT?

TAKE HIM OUT. HE'S DONE.

BILL, I DON'T BELIEVE WE'VE
SEEN THE LAST OF THIS...

FEISTY YOUNG GIRL
FROM WISCONSIN.

DON'T TALK INTO THE FOOD.

VERY SMOOTH.

I CAN'T DO THIS WITH
YOU GUYS LEERING.

I ALWAYS LEER.

IT'D BE SUSPICIOUS
IF I WEREN'T LEERING.

SHE'D BE LIKE, "WHY
ISN'T BERG LEERING?"

AHEM.

BERG LEERING.

ISN'T THAT A TYPE OF MERLOT?

IT'S A CABERNET.

3:10.

STARTING TO BABBLE.

UH, PETE, YOU BETTER
GET BACK IN THERE

BEFORE BAUER STEALS YOUR WOMAN.

OH, JEEZ.

I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU
NO MORE EXPERIMENTS.

THEY INTERFERE WITH YOUR WORK.

NO, THIS IS HARMLESS.

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID

WHEN YOU COULDN'T GET
YOUR SWEAT GLANDS TO STOP.

I HAD TO FOLLOW YOU
AROUND WITH A MOP.

THE SHARK'S COMING RIGHT AT ME,

AND I ONLY HAVE ONE BULLET LEFT.

I THINK, "HA. I'M A GONER."

THEN I SEE THE OXYGEN
TANK IN ITS MOUTH.

WHAT DO YOU THINK I DO?

YOU SHOT THE TANK,
AND THE SHARK BLEW UP.

I SHOT THE TANK.

THE SHARK BLEW UP.

YOU'RE A BRAVE MAN, MR. BAUER.

AND THEN YOU AND RICHARD
DREYFUSS SWAM BACK TO SHORE.

THANKS A LOT, MR. BAUER.

HA. THAT WAS A HELL OF A DAY.

YOU ARE A LUCKY GUY.

YEAH.

WELL... WHAT IS WITH YOU TODAY?

IS THERE SOMETHING
YOU WANT TO TELL ME?

NO. IT'S JUST...

ARE YOU TRYING TO
BREAK UP WITH ME?

NO. NO, NOT AT ALL.

WHAT, ARE WE HAVING PROBLEMS?

NO. YOU'RE JUST ACTING WEIRD.

HEY, BERG, WHAT
HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM?

HEY, THIS ONE ISN'T ME,

'CAUSE I'M THE ONE WHO SAID
HE SHOULDN'T BREAK UP WITH YOU.

NO!

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

NO, I WASN'T. HE'S EVIL.

HE MAY BE EVIL... BUT
AT LEAST HE'S HONEST.

THIS IS SO... UHH! MOVE.

YOU'RE JUST SO SCREWED UP.

NO, I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT.

TO HELL WITH YOU.
LIFE'S TOO SHORT, PETE.

SEE YOU AROUND. MELISSA!

10 YEARS FROM NOW,

WHEN YOU'RE FAT AND ALONE

AND YOU HAVE TO WEAR A
BASEBALL CAP AT CLUB MED

TO HIDE YOUR HAIR
TRANSPLANTS, REMEMBER...

YOU HAD A GOOD THING
HERE, AND YOU BLEW IT.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

SHE BROKE UP WITH ME.

I JUST GOT DUMPED.

HA HA. BOY, DID YOU EVER,

AND IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY, TOO.

SO, YOU GET THE ACCOUNT?

YEP. ONE MORE CLIENT FOR ME,

ONE LESS SPECIES OF BIRD.

SHARON, IF YOU
DON'T LIKE IT, QUIT.

LIFE'S A WASTE UNLESS
YOU'RE DOING WHAT YOU LOVE.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I MEAN, I CAN DO
ANYTHING I WANT. I'M SMART.

ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

I'M MOTIVATED. YES, YOU ARE.

I'M A PEOPLE PERSON.

I GOTTA GO BACK AND
COUNT MY PEPPERONIS.

I AM.

AREN'T I, BERG?

SHAR...

YOU'RE A LOT OF THINGS,
BUT PEOPLE PERSON?

IT GOES THE UNABOMBER, THEN YOU.

HEY.

NO.

THAT'S WHY WE LOVE YOU.

SO, HOW WAS THE DELIVERY?

FINE.

TRAFFIC?

NOT BAD.

THE TOPPINGS SLIDE?

A LITTLE BIT.

JEEZ, YOU TWO FIGHT
LIKE A COUPLE OF BROADS.

KICK HIS ASS, PETE.

I CAN'T. HE'S WEARING MY SHIRT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU'RE MAD AT ME.

ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?

I MEAN, ONE MINUTE, YOU'RE
GONNA BREAK UP WITH HER,

AND THE NEXT MINUTE,
SHE BREAKS UP WITH YOU,

AND YA FLIP OUT.

HE HAS A POINT.

BERG, YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST
MINDED YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS.

AH. HE'S GOT YOU THERE.

I MEAN, WHEN SHE
WALKED OUT OF HERE,

I HAD AN EPIPHANY.

I MEAN...

HOW MANY MELISSAS
ARE THERE IN THE WORLD?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S
WRONG WITH YOU, OK?

YOU KEEP SAYING
MELISSA'S NOT THE ONE,

WHEN, IN REALITY, YOU
KNOW SHE IS THE ONE,

AND YOU'RE SCARED
TO DEATH OF IT.

DING DING DING. BERG WINS.

ALL RIGHT, COVER FOR ME.

WHERE YOU GOING?

OVER TO MELISSA'S TO BLAME
THE WHOLE THING ON YOU.

IF THERE'S ANYTHING
SHE'LL BELIEVE, IT'S THAT.

NO, SHE WON'T.

WHY NOT?

RIGHT NOW, IF I'M LITTLE MISS
"YIPPEE, I GET SUMMERS OFF"...

I'M THINKING... MAYBE
I OVERREACTED.

THEN YOU COME THROUGH THE DOOR

BLAMING IT ALL ON BERG,

WHICH SAYS TO ME THAT YOU
DID IN FACT WANT TO BREAK UP,

AND YOU NEEDED YOUR
BUDDY TO DO IT FOR YOU.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
DESTROYING MY FUTURE.

WHA... FUTURE KILLER.

YOU KNOW, I WAS IN LOVE ONCE.

WE SHARED A FLAT IN FRANCE.

THEN THE WAR CAME.
ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE.

SOMEHOW I FIND MYSELF IN
MOROCCO, RUNNING A NIGHTCLUB.

SHE WALKED BACK INTO MY LIFE,

BUT BY THEN, SHE WAS MARRIED.

DON'T DO WHAT I DID, SON.

DON'T LET HER GET ON THAT PLANE.

IT'S OK, MR. BAUER.

YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE PARIS.

Bill: PETE, DELIVERY.

LET ME TAKE THIS ONE.

I WANT TO SEE IF I CAN
OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY.

FINE.

I'LL JUST ASSUME THE
"DRIVE SAFE" IS IMPLIED.

BERG.

THANK YOU. I'D LOVE TO.

SO, LET ME GUESS.

HE SENT YOU TO MAKE UP WITH ME?

HE DOESN'T KNOW I'M HERE.

OOH! ORANGES!

WHY ARE YOU HERE?

LOOK, MEL, I'M NO
EXPERT ON RELATIONSHIPS.

THIS JUST IN.

BUT I AM AN EXPERT ON PETE, OK,

AND SOMETIMES HE JUST
GETS A LITTLE CONFUSED, IS ALL.

GIVE THE GUY A BREAK.

I MEAN, I'M THE ONE WHO BLEW IT.

LOOK, ADMIT IT. YOU'RE JUST HERE

TO MAKE YOURSELF
FEEL BETTER, BERG.

THAT'S RIGHT. I FEEL BETTER
WHEN YOU GUYS ARE TOGETHER.

GIVE ME A BREAK, BERG.

I DO. IT MAKES MY
BEST FRIEND HAPPY.

LOOK, YOU KNOW LIKE IN TAG...

WHERE'S THAT PLACE WHERE YOU'RE
SAFE, WHERE THEY CAN'T GET YOU?

HOME BASE?

HOME BASE. PETE'S MY HOME BASE.

I MEAN, I WOULDN'T GET TO BE ME

IF HE WASN'T HIM.

AND SOMEDAY I HOPE I'LL
FIND SOMEONE LIKE YOU.

AND WHEN I BLOW
IT... WHICH I WILL...

I KNOW HE'LL GO OVER
AND MAKE HER REALIZE

THAT THERE'S SOMETHING
HERE WORTH SAVING.

WOW. I'VE, UH...

NEVER KNOWN YOU TO BE SO OPEN.

ME NEITHER.

OH, GOD.

WHAT?

7:48.

HAVING USED...

800 TIMES THE NORMAL
RECOMMENDED DAILY DOSAGE,

NOW EXPERIENCING A SIDE EFFECT,

FEELING EXTREMELY
HONEST AND, UH, FORTHRIGHT.

I'VE NEVER BEEN
MORE AFRAID IN MY LIFE.

BERG, THIS STUFF HAS
SODIUM PENTATHATE IN IT.

TRUTH SERUM.

SO YOU HAVE TO TELL THE TRUTH.

NO... YEAH. OOH.

HA! LAST WEDNESDAY,
WHEN PETE WAS SUPPOSED

TO TAKE ME TO THE
GALLERY OPENING...

I'VE GOTTA GO.

AND HE CALLED ME
AND TOLD ME YOU HAD

AN ALLERGIC REACTION TO SHELLFISH
AND HAD TO BE RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL...

WE WERE AT THE DOG TRACK.

AND LAST WEEK, WHEN
HE COULDN'T MAKE

MY COUSIN'S ENGAGEMENT PARTY

BECAUSE YOU GUYS WERE
COLLECTING TOYS FOR THE ORPHANAGE?

WE WERE PLAYING POP
AND SHOT AT O'MALLEY'S.

I KNEW IT!

YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND,

IT WAS FOR THE WORLD
CHAMPIONSHIP OF ALL TIME.

WHOA!

WHAT DOES HE TELL YOU ABOUT ME?

EVERYTHING.

LIKE WHAT EVERYTHING?

LIKE THE FIRST TIME HE SAW YOU,

HE SAID HE ACTUALLY
FELT HIS HEART STOP.

REALLY?

AND YOU...

DO A PHENOMENAL LINDA
RONSTADT IMITATION.

OHH.

PETE.

AND HE HATES SUSHI

BUT GOES WITH YOU ALL THE TIME

BECAUSE HE KNOWS YOU LOVE IT.

WHY DIDN'T HE SAY ANYTHING?

AND YOU LAUGH LIKE A
MAD SCIENTIST DURING SEX.

I DID A BAD THING.

WHO, BERG? WHO DID
YOU DO A BAD THING TO?

YES! YES!

GOD, BERG, WHAT MORE COULD
YOU HAVE DONE TO ME TODAY?

PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME
YOU WENT OVER TO MELISSA'S.

OH, BERG.

I DIDN'T WANT YOU BLAMING ME

FOR SCREWING UP
THE REST OF YOUR LIFE,

SO I WENT OVER THERE TO
GET YOU GUYS BACK TOGETHER.

AND? AND SHE NEVER WANTS
TO SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN.

BERG, WHAT DID YOU TELL HER?

EVERYTHING.

IT WASN'T ME. IT WAS
THE ASTHMA INHALER.

IT HAD SIDE EFFECTS.

IT WAS LIKE A TRUTH SERUM.

WHAT DID YOU TELL HER?

I... I TOLD HER WHERE YOU
REALLY WERE LAST SATURDAY.

OH, GOD.

I TOLD HER ABOUT THE LAUGHING.

YOU WHAT?

YOU KNOW HOW WHEN
YOU GUYS HAVE SEX.

SHE LAUGHS LIKE A
CRAZY LADY IN AN ATTIC.

AH! SO THAT'S WHAT THAT IS!

DO YOU STILL HAVE
TO TELL THE TRUTH?

I'M NOT SURE. ASK ME IF I
LIKE YOUR HAIR THIS WAY.

DO YOU LIKE MY HAIR THIS WAY?

YES, VERY MUCH.

IT WORE OFF.

YOU KNOW WHAT, BERG?

MY LIFE IS NOT ONE
OF YOUR EXPERIMENTS.

JUST LEAVE IT ALONE.

YOU KNOW, I'M WAY STARTING
TO FEEL UNDERAPPRECIATED HERE.

GO.

COVER FOR ME.

YEAH, THERE'S ABOUT AS MUCH A
CHANCE OF ME WEARING THIS THING...

AH AH AH! HEY! PEOPLE PERSON.

Man: EXCUSE ME.

CAN I SEE A MENU?

IT'S A PIZZA PLACE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE?

DID YOU COME TO
PUSH ME INTO TRAFFIC?

I DON'T LIKE YOU
BEING MAD AT ME.

I'M NOT MAD AT
YOU. I'M MAD AT ME.

BERG, I'M GONNA BE 25, AND I
DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE MY LIFE IS,

AND THE ONE GOOD
THING I HAD, I MESSED UP.

WHEN MY DAD WAS MY AGE,

HE HAD A HOUSE, HE
HAD A WIFE, HE HAD ME!

I MEAN, WHAT DO I HAVE?

YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO SUCK
THE LIFE OUT OF AN EVENING.

THERE'S NO... THERE'S NO
BLUEPRINT FOR LIFE, OK?

FIRST IT'S MEIOSIS,
OUT OF THE WOMB, SNIP.

THEN YOU GET A BIG OLD ANEURYSM
AND YOU SLUMP OVER YOUR DESK, OK?

EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN
JUST HAPPENS, PETE.

ENJOY IT.

GOD.

BERG, I'M NOT LIKE
YOU, ALL RIGHT?

I DON'T FIND PEARLS
WHEN I EAT OYSTERS.

I... I CAN'T LEARN
RUSSIAN IN 3 DAYS

FROM A BOOK CALLED...

HOW TO LEARN RUSSIAN IN 3 DAYS.

I WISH I COULD, BUT I CAN'T.

THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE ME.

ARE YOU GONNA HAVE MY CHILDREN?

THERE IS AN EXPERIMENT
AT M.I.T. NEXT WEEK.

WHAT IF I WIND UP ALONE?

WHAT IF I WIND UP ALONE,
HANGING OUT IN SOME PIZZA PLACE,

TELLING ANYONE
WHO'LL LISTEN TO ME

ABOUT THE TIME I PLOWED
UNDER MY CORNFIELD

AND BUILT A BASEBALL DIAMOND?

LISTEN TO ME, OK?

EVERYTHING'S GONNA
WORK OUT, ALL RIGHT?

YOU'LL HAVE THE
WIFE AND THE KIDS.

IT'S THERE.

YOU JUST CAN'T SEE
AROUND THAT TURN YET.

BUT HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?

'CAUSE I KNOW.

IT HAS TO.

'CAUSE IF MY LIFE
DOESN'T WORK OUT,

I'M COMING TO LIVE WITH YOU.

YOU HEARD ME.

Sharon: FINE!

HEY, BERG, WHAT DO YOU THINK'S
GONNA HAPPEN TO SHARON?

I'M SURE SHE'LL SETTLE
DOWN, HAVE KIDS.

GET YOUR BUTTS BACK IN HERE!

TAKE OVER CUBA.

I DIDN'T EVEN GET A TIP.

YOU TOLD A CUSTOMER TO SHUT UP

OR YOU'D BASH HIS
HEAD IN WITH A SHOVEL!

WELL, HE KEPT WAVING AT ME.

OHH! HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE
TO MAKE UP WITH SOMEBODY?

RELAX.

HEY, HEY.

SO HOW'D IT GO?

GO FIGURE.

MELISSA AND I ARE GONNA
TRY AND WORK THINGS OUT.

GREAT. I'VE ALWAYS LIKED HER.

COME ON.

I THINK WHAT WE NEED HERE IS A
LITTLE POP AND SHOT AT O'MALLEY'S.

UH, NO, I CAN'T.

SHARON'S BUYING.

'CAUSE I'M A PEOPLE PERSON.

HEY, I TOLD MELISSA

I'D GO BACK OVER WITH A VIDEO.

GO BACK OVER? MM-HMM.

HEH HEH HEH HEH.

NOT IN YOUR CONDITION.

LOOK AT HIM.

OOH, ALL CLAMMY AND YELLOW.

NO. GUYS.

FOOD POISONING. EWW.

HITS YOU LIKE THAT.

GUYS.

WE'LL CALL FROM THE BAR.