Tuca & Bertie (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - Leaf Raking - full transcript
Tuca juggles lust and sexual dysfunction. Bertie and Speckle try their hands at parenting.
♪ Tuca and Bertie and Tuca and Bertie
and Bertie and Tuca and Tuca and Bertie ♪
♪ Tu-Tu-Tuca ♪
- ♪ Tuca ♪
- ♪ and Bertie. ♪
Vocalizing...
♪TUCA AND BERTIE♪
Season 03 Episode 05
Episode Title: "Cabin Fever"
Aired on: July 24, 2022.
Leaf-raking is such
a stupid sport.
We could've spent
this Sunday relaxing, but...
Today's a big deal.
It's regionals.
It's all regionals.
It's a very regional game.
Can I have some candy?
Check it out. They invented
a new kind of candy
that looks and tastes
exactly like carrot sticks.
Mmm.
You sure you want to go, Tuca?
It's okay to still be
mourning figgy.
Wait, figgy died?
No. I just broke up with him.
Oh. So he's just dead to us?
Goodbye, potential friendship.
Guys, it's not a big deal.
I haven't thought about figgy
in hours.
I've been way too busy
doing a lot of UN-figgy things,
and I'm ready to rebound with
lots of UN-figgy folks.
And maybe I'll scoop up
a hot UN-figgy at this game.
Okay, everybody in. Hurry up.
We're running late to this
ridiculous waste of time.
Hmm. Oh!
Here.
Ooh. Nice spatial reasoning.
♪ Whoo! ♪
♪ Go, go ♪
♪ Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. ♪
Whee!
Here we are.
The only activity less exciting
than watching paint dry.
Paint-watching
is an entirely different sport.
My game is happening in there.
Meh.
Oh, my god. Thomas Aukberg!
Welcome to the Bird Town
leaf-raking championships.
Ah, the drama
of the slatted broom.
Clearing away the colorful
skein of Autumn
to make way for
the frosty rime of winter.
Today I'm joined by my new
co-announcer dapper dog.
Enchanté. I love
a good game of lawn harrowing.
Such a rustic
and scrapy croquet.
Who will win the coveted
golden rake?
Defending champions
the Bird Town West Hot Ciders
or the Bird Town
East Autumn Warriors?
Mmm.
E'scusi. E'scusi.
Damn, Bertie, I hope
this game's short,
'cause I want to get
my rebound bang on,
and I'm surrounded by nuggos.
A nuggo is a uggo
who's "not ugly" in a hot way.
Oh.
Give it up for our players.
Tom mackinaw.
Well, hello.
Tom A than McKinley.
Um, yes, please.
Tomuel McThomas.
Ew. Okay. Steep drop in quality.
Yo, coach, trade this dud.
Hmm.
They all look the same to me.
You've been in a relationship
too long, Bertie.
Your senses have been dulled.
You must hone your palate
by sniffing strangers' boxers.
And here he is, folks,
heavyweight of the Hot Ciders.
It's Tomcholas Tomanielson.
Oh, daddy!
- Hi, daddy!
- I saw him first.
That's him. That's my rebound.
Why stop at just one?
Why not rebound
with the entire team?
Hmm?
Many have tried, yet no one
has gone the full mile.
But you, yes,
you could be the one.
Come, you must meet the
elder council of the stadium.
A group of old people deciding
what I should do with my body?
Sounds fresh and original.
I'm in. Bye, y'all.
- I'm following this lady.
- Well, have fun. Stay hydrated.
Ooh, look. There's Thomas.
No! Ow!
- Oof, that's got to hurt.
- Ooh.
Haven't seen an injury
like this since
Tom-Tom-Tom-Tom-To...
...Tom-Tom-Tom
sat on his rake in '86.
Daddy, are you okay?
I'm fine. I'm oka... Oh!
Ow! It's way worse now.
I made it so much worse.
I'm not okay.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, good. Let's go home.
This puts the Autumn warriors
in a tight spot for,
as we all know, a replacement
player must be found
within 90 seconds,
or the entire game is forfeited.
Drama.
Terry, you have
to fill in for me!
If you've ever loved me, here,
please take my rake!
Damn it. This is also how
he proposed to me.
Bertie, can you watch tulip?
Oh, oh, no, I don't know
how to talk to children.
- Hello, how do you do?
- What?
See? I've got zero
natural ability with kids.
Oh, my god, what if I kill her?
What if I kill your kid?
What if I...
Do it on purpose?
It's okay.
We'll watch tulip. If she dies,
I'll take the heat.
Well, I don't have time
to second-guess
this clearly terrible idea.
Good luck.
And it looks like Thomas aukberg
will have a replacement.
Standing in for him is his wife
Terry!
Let's get this bullshit
over with.
And straight out of the gate,
here's tomanielson
demonstrating his signature
one-handed technique.
Yes!
Hey, see your mama out there?
What do you think, is she
gonna rake the most leaves?
- Yeah.
- Hmm.
Child-friendly
topics of conversation.
Hey. Wh-what-what's
your favorite vehicle
used for municipal purposes?
You into garbage trucks or...?
- Hey, Bertie, you okay?
- Are you supposed to do
eye contact
or no eye contact with kids?
Just relax. Hey, tulip,
look what I can do. Uh...
Ooh.
Ooh. Ooh, let me try.
Tulip, look what I found
in your ear.
How did that get there?
Is my head full of quarters?
How will my head survive in an
increasingly cashless society?
Food. Bribe. Change of subject.
Tulip, look! Do you eat
solids yet? What do you want?
- I-I'll get it for you.
- Hot dogs.
Ice cream. Everything!
- Love it. No problem.
- Yay!
Hey, maybe we should
set some boundaries.
It's something I've learned
to do with wealthy clients.
But I want Greek columns.
Hey, let's finish
your gazebo first, okay, champ?
You can't spoil them, Bertie.
It starts with Greek columns.
Then, before you know it,
they're asking
for Tunisian columns.
Aw, man. Bertie.
Oh, come on. When I was her age,
my parents were so checked out,
we never did
anything fun together.
What if we indulge tulip
a little,
let her have a good time?
It's just for a few hours.
Okay. We can be fun adults.
Exactly. But we can't kill her.
This is her?
Yup. I'm Tuca.
I'm ready to have
sexual intercourse
with a pile of rakesmen.
Oh, everyone who goes to a game
thinks it's so easy
to bang an entire team
of athletes.
But nobody's done it.
I got close years ago.
Now I can barely
look at a hot dog wiener
without bursting into tears.
I pray every day
that people will order
the chicken tenders...
But they never do.
Well, I came in here
with hubristic notions
and swinging hips.
Now I can't even
slide a key into a lock
without remembering
I'm a failure.
A jingling, jangling failure.
Oh, and I can't even back up
into a tight spot.
Don't even ask me to drive
a stick shift.
Wait, please listen.
My sisters of the stadium,
Tuca is the one. She can do it.
It's too hard.
Hey, everybody!
I know I can do this.
And I can help you all
get your grind back, too.
Here's some of my stats.
When I was 22, I
A Out of a.
My record for most
In a night is 74.
One time I
While skydiving
Into a giant, juicy.
It was an ****.
Plus, look at this.
She is... The one.
And now, each team muast pay-
Uth to rake for them.
Can they finish the task
and maintain clean piles
despite their
juvenile lassitude?
Come on.
Please rake the leaves. Please.
Ha. I had to buy our son
the same thing.
Oh, yeah. You just got to do
whatever you can
to keep them happy.
And alive.
Anything that works, am I right?
That is correct.
Before I had kids, I was so
careful and nervous around them.
But now I'm like you guys.
I'm all, "just have fun, kiddo.
"Go ahead and shove dirt
straight down your gullet.
See if I care."
It's nice to meet
other cool parents.
Most adults are so uptight.
Us? Cool?
And how old is she?
Your daughter?
Oh. Tulip's actually,
she's, um...
Our daughter, yes!
And she's five, six, seven...
Six and a half... three-quarters.
6 3/4. Eh.
Yup. Tulip's our own
little hatchling.
And my name is...
Ch-Christopher, with a "v."
And... Tulip's
a musical prodigy.
- Wow.
- Eh.
She plays the horn.
Oh. Which one?
Well, you know, the one that has
a lot of, uh, buttons,
and you can wear it as pants.
And it goes, "wam, bwam."
you know that one?
Impressive.
It's so nice to hang out
with other parents.
- Oh, absolutely.
- So nice.
New friends.
♪ I know I'm set for glory ♪
- Mmm. Uh...
- ♪ Nothing's gonna stop me now ♪
♪ Here's my story ♪
Uh-huh.
♪ And no one's gonna
tell me how ♪
♪ I gotta do it right ♪
♪ I'm gonna
shine bright tonight. ♪
Tuca, you've done
so much to help us.
Now there's just the matter
of humping that team.
No! We can't let her do it.
She'll get hurt.
But she's the one.
She can get us out of here.
She must save herself.
No one will ever free us.
She'll be sucked into the curse.
- What now?
- Ah, we got to tell her.
Fine. Okay. Tuca, there's
a curse on this stadium.
An entire team must get screwed,
and six full orgasms
must be achieved.
And good ones, too.
None of those
weird little numb ones.
If there aren't six players laid
and six female climaxes achieved
before night falls on game day,
anyone who attempts
to break the curse
is trapped
in the stadium forever.
Oh, we've been here for decades.
We sleep on the field.
So, anyone have a new crush?
Nobody has ever successfully
broken the curse.
If you try and fail,
you'll be stuck here with us,
and you'll have
to work at the gift shop.
Well, it's the crappiest job
because you have to sell
collectibles
to the worst kind of nerd...
Jock nerds.
Damn.
I'm not worried.
- None of this worries me.
- Really?
Six orgasms is nothing to me.
I can be super horny.
Just watch.
Ho-ho-ho!
She's even more the one
than she was before.
The one-iest one.
She is ready.
Yeah, Tommy. Good raking
technique. Keep up the pace.
Eyes on the leaves, boys.
I'm seeing clusters,
and I want to see piles.
Good work. Good hustle.
Rake it, honey! Ow.
Ow!
Nice!
This game is so dumb.
So, yeah,
me and Bertie and tulip
all live in, like,
a big house, but it's tasteful.
And we grow all our own salads,
because I can keep plants alive.
And we own a swimming pool
full of candy.
We do.
Yes, we do.
You know, work keeps me
pretty busy,
since I run everything at, uh,
my own restaurant.
Bertie's family restaurant.
Yeah, and I'm
a stay-at-home dad.
The second I looked
into little tulip's eyes,
I knew I was no longer
just a person.
I was now a father.
You love being a father.
Yeah. It just gives my days
so much structure and meaning.
- It's so fulfilling.
- Um, wow.
And I'm a... A mom.
Look at you. You've got it all.
Sure do.
Wow. We're both
in telemarketing.
Now our players are doing
what every raker must do
mid-rake...
Pause to stare
into middle distance
and marvel at the slow
passage of time.
Another summer come and gone.
Soon we will be as the leaves,
our days of splendor
long forgotten.
Watch us tumble, tumble,
Tumble on our irreversible
descent to earth.
And now for our halftime show:
A dead rabbit
slowly decomposing.
There it is, the players' lair.
Halftime is starting.
Go get those hot ciders, Tuca.
All six of 'em.
Thank you for believing in me
and my ability to bounce
from wiener to wiener.
I won't let you down.
Oh. It's you!
Oh-ho-ho. Howdy.
Gosh. You're glowing
like a porch light,
and I feel
like a big old June beetle.
Yeah. Come to Tuca.
Yes, ma'am. I am down to sashay.
Whoa, tulip.
E-easy girl.
Here. Do you want to play
a game on my phone?
Ah...
Clickity-clicks. Lighty-lights.
In-app purchasy-purchases.
Uh, you know, a-actually,
I'm gonna take that back.
Ow! Okay. It didn't
break the skin.
I think it was just
a warning. Huh.
I want phone!
My phone baby!
Give me back my baby!
Hey, kiddo.
Let's just save
some of this energy
for horn rehearsal tonight.
Or, as us horn parents say,
"rehornsal."
Speckle, let her have some fun.
Come on, she'll burn
this energy off eventually.
You push her too hard.
She can have fun doing
something calmer
and less bite-y.
Look at Gavin.
Watch me swim. Whee!
Ah. Now do you see why we need
more boundaries with her?
It's basic parenting.
Oh, no. We killed her!
Ah! She's still alive!
Things are heating up.
Oh, it's on, folks.
It's happening.
Figgy?
Figgy!
Figgy!
Oh, this is not pretty, folks.
It looks like they still haven't
gotten over their last loss.
Hey, maybe we should stop.
No! Pushing... Through... It.
Uh, no offense, ma'am,
but that pelvis sounds like
a broken wood chip per, and, uh,
it's making my pecker
freeze up something fierce.
Let me just think
some horny thoughts.
Sex. Sex with people.
Ooh, sex with objects. Sexy sex.
And you hate to see this, folks.
They're really forcing
an unnatural play here,
and it is not flowing.
I can't do it!
Where is she?
See? I knew this would happen.
She's halfway through
an epic sugar bender.
She's gonna crash
and tank her rehornsal tonight.
She could use a little support
from her father right now.
Oh, easy for you to say.
You're busy working long hours
while I raise our child!
That is so unfair!
Who do you think pays
for all that horn tutoring, huh?
- Whoa!
- Tulip?
Tulip.
Whee! Whoa!
- Wow!
- Damn it!
Look at me, mommy. I can fly.
Wait, why are we
fighting about this?
Tulip's not even really our kid.
Well, what about
when we do have kids?
How is this going to work
if we have totally conflicting
parenting philosophies?
I didn't realize
we were going to have kids.
Well, I don't want to,
but you clearly do.
You said that stuff about how
meaningful fatherhood is to you.
I thought
we were making shit up!
You said you could
keep plants alive!
But what if I'm holding you back
from a happy life
of having children?
You're so good with them.
I just assumed you wanted
some of your own.
- Not at all!
- Nor I, neither!
So we agree!
Same page, all the way!
Tulip.
- Ah...!
- Whoa!
And the Autumn warriors
win the game!
Terry! Terry!
Sweetie. You did it!
Yep. This was your dream,
and it was easy.
I **** It up.
And not in a hot way.
Part of me wanted it so bad,
but I just couldn't.
Aw, yeah. It happens.
Your body can be
in pristine condition,
but if your mind isn't right...
I failed.
My goal was to do
the entire team,
and none of them got done.
Actually, Tuca, listen.
The entire team is getting did.
And it's all because of you.
Tuca, you helped us realize
we've been holding
ourselves back all these years.
We could've been
hotdogging each other
and entire teams all along.
We were locked in the past.
That's how we failed ourselves
and lost our way.
But you were the key
to our slots, Tuca.
Thank you for showing us
how to believe in
ourselves again, Tuca.
The curse is almost...
Okay, whew, that was six.
The curse is broken now!
Oh, wow.
It smells funny in here.
Wow, this is real nice.
I'm enjoying this post game orgy.
Good for you, dude.
Hey, whose butt is that?
Oh... Not a butt.
Just some ice cream.
I'm gonna eat these later.
Oh, sounds good.
More ice cream?
Hi. I'm a butt.
Got to get back to work now.
I guess I'm finally
admitting to myself
that I'm really sad about
breaking up with figgy.
Yeah, but that doesn't mean
you can't ****.
Look down.
You're back in action.
Yeah, but now I got
no one to do it with.
Not no one. Look down again.
And that's
how I think sex works.
Oh.
So... Sorry we lied.
Oh, it's no biggie.
We were lying, too.
We're grifters.
Here you go.
I grifted your wallet.
Wow. What?
Is this even your son?
Oh, yeah. He's top of his class
at grifting school.
Actually, dad, I made that up.
I've just been going
to the arcade this whole time.
It was a grift.
Aw. That's our boy.
Excellent grift, son.
Ooh-wee.
Oh.
Wait, where are you going?
The curse has been lifted.
We know. But we still live here.
This is our home.
It's so dark out there.
I can't sleep without
the stadium lights
beaming down on me.
Plus, this way, we can keep
****ing more teams.
Yeah, baby!
♪ We're raking it up ♪
♪ Raking it up tonight ♪
♪ We're raking it up ♪
♪ Till the feeling's right ♪
♪ Oh, I want you
to rake me there ♪
♪ Rake it all night ♪
♪ It's just not fair ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ Raking it up ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ Raking me down. ♪
Dang it.
I'm never invited to these.
and Bertie and Tuca and Tuca and Bertie ♪
♪ Tu-Tu-Tuca ♪
- ♪ Tuca ♪
- ♪ and Bertie. ♪
Vocalizing...
♪TUCA AND BERTIE♪
Season 03 Episode 05
Episode Title: "Cabin Fever"
Aired on: July 24, 2022.
Leaf-raking is such
a stupid sport.
We could've spent
this Sunday relaxing, but...
Today's a big deal.
It's regionals.
It's all regionals.
It's a very regional game.
Can I have some candy?
Check it out. They invented
a new kind of candy
that looks and tastes
exactly like carrot sticks.
Mmm.
You sure you want to go, Tuca?
It's okay to still be
mourning figgy.
Wait, figgy died?
No. I just broke up with him.
Oh. So he's just dead to us?
Goodbye, potential friendship.
Guys, it's not a big deal.
I haven't thought about figgy
in hours.
I've been way too busy
doing a lot of UN-figgy things,
and I'm ready to rebound with
lots of UN-figgy folks.
And maybe I'll scoop up
a hot UN-figgy at this game.
Okay, everybody in. Hurry up.
We're running late to this
ridiculous waste of time.
Hmm. Oh!
Here.
Ooh. Nice spatial reasoning.
♪ Whoo! ♪
♪ Go, go ♪
♪ Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. ♪
Whee!
Here we are.
The only activity less exciting
than watching paint dry.
Paint-watching
is an entirely different sport.
My game is happening in there.
Meh.
Oh, my god. Thomas Aukberg!
Welcome to the Bird Town
leaf-raking championships.
Ah, the drama
of the slatted broom.
Clearing away the colorful
skein of Autumn
to make way for
the frosty rime of winter.
Today I'm joined by my new
co-announcer dapper dog.
Enchanté. I love
a good game of lawn harrowing.
Such a rustic
and scrapy croquet.
Who will win the coveted
golden rake?
Defending champions
the Bird Town West Hot Ciders
or the Bird Town
East Autumn Warriors?
Mmm.
E'scusi. E'scusi.
Damn, Bertie, I hope
this game's short,
'cause I want to get
my rebound bang on,
and I'm surrounded by nuggos.
A nuggo is a uggo
who's "not ugly" in a hot way.
Oh.
Give it up for our players.
Tom mackinaw.
Well, hello.
Tom A than McKinley.
Um, yes, please.
Tomuel McThomas.
Ew. Okay. Steep drop in quality.
Yo, coach, trade this dud.
Hmm.
They all look the same to me.
You've been in a relationship
too long, Bertie.
Your senses have been dulled.
You must hone your palate
by sniffing strangers' boxers.
And here he is, folks,
heavyweight of the Hot Ciders.
It's Tomcholas Tomanielson.
Oh, daddy!
- Hi, daddy!
- I saw him first.
That's him. That's my rebound.
Why stop at just one?
Why not rebound
with the entire team?
Hmm?
Many have tried, yet no one
has gone the full mile.
But you, yes,
you could be the one.
Come, you must meet the
elder council of the stadium.
A group of old people deciding
what I should do with my body?
Sounds fresh and original.
I'm in. Bye, y'all.
- I'm following this lady.
- Well, have fun. Stay hydrated.
Ooh, look. There's Thomas.
No! Ow!
- Oof, that's got to hurt.
- Ooh.
Haven't seen an injury
like this since
Tom-Tom-Tom-Tom-To...
...Tom-Tom-Tom
sat on his rake in '86.
Daddy, are you okay?
I'm fine. I'm oka... Oh!
Ow! It's way worse now.
I made it so much worse.
I'm not okay.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, good. Let's go home.
This puts the Autumn warriors
in a tight spot for,
as we all know, a replacement
player must be found
within 90 seconds,
or the entire game is forfeited.
Drama.
Terry, you have
to fill in for me!
If you've ever loved me, here,
please take my rake!
Damn it. This is also how
he proposed to me.
Bertie, can you watch tulip?
Oh, oh, no, I don't know
how to talk to children.
- Hello, how do you do?
- What?
See? I've got zero
natural ability with kids.
Oh, my god, what if I kill her?
What if I kill your kid?
What if I...
Do it on purpose?
It's okay.
We'll watch tulip. If she dies,
I'll take the heat.
Well, I don't have time
to second-guess
this clearly terrible idea.
Good luck.
And it looks like Thomas aukberg
will have a replacement.
Standing in for him is his wife
Terry!
Let's get this bullshit
over with.
And straight out of the gate,
here's tomanielson
demonstrating his signature
one-handed technique.
Yes!
Hey, see your mama out there?
What do you think, is she
gonna rake the most leaves?
- Yeah.
- Hmm.
Child-friendly
topics of conversation.
Hey. Wh-what-what's
your favorite vehicle
used for municipal purposes?
You into garbage trucks or...?
- Hey, Bertie, you okay?
- Are you supposed to do
eye contact
or no eye contact with kids?
Just relax. Hey, tulip,
look what I can do. Uh...
Ooh.
Ooh. Ooh, let me try.
Tulip, look what I found
in your ear.
How did that get there?
Is my head full of quarters?
How will my head survive in an
increasingly cashless society?
Food. Bribe. Change of subject.
Tulip, look! Do you eat
solids yet? What do you want?
- I-I'll get it for you.
- Hot dogs.
Ice cream. Everything!
- Love it. No problem.
- Yay!
Hey, maybe we should
set some boundaries.
It's something I've learned
to do with wealthy clients.
But I want Greek columns.
Hey, let's finish
your gazebo first, okay, champ?
You can't spoil them, Bertie.
It starts with Greek columns.
Then, before you know it,
they're asking
for Tunisian columns.
Aw, man. Bertie.
Oh, come on. When I was her age,
my parents were so checked out,
we never did
anything fun together.
What if we indulge tulip
a little,
let her have a good time?
It's just for a few hours.
Okay. We can be fun adults.
Exactly. But we can't kill her.
This is her?
Yup. I'm Tuca.
I'm ready to have
sexual intercourse
with a pile of rakesmen.
Oh, everyone who goes to a game
thinks it's so easy
to bang an entire team
of athletes.
But nobody's done it.
I got close years ago.
Now I can barely
look at a hot dog wiener
without bursting into tears.
I pray every day
that people will order
the chicken tenders...
But they never do.
Well, I came in here
with hubristic notions
and swinging hips.
Now I can't even
slide a key into a lock
without remembering
I'm a failure.
A jingling, jangling failure.
Oh, and I can't even back up
into a tight spot.
Don't even ask me to drive
a stick shift.
Wait, please listen.
My sisters of the stadium,
Tuca is the one. She can do it.
It's too hard.
Hey, everybody!
I know I can do this.
And I can help you all
get your grind back, too.
Here's some of my stats.
When I was 22, I
A Out of a.
My record for most
In a night is 74.
One time I
While skydiving
Into a giant, juicy.
It was an ****.
Plus, look at this.
She is... The one.
And now, each team muast pay-
Uth to rake for them.
Can they finish the task
and maintain clean piles
despite their
juvenile lassitude?
Come on.
Please rake the leaves. Please.
Ha. I had to buy our son
the same thing.
Oh, yeah. You just got to do
whatever you can
to keep them happy.
And alive.
Anything that works, am I right?
That is correct.
Before I had kids, I was so
careful and nervous around them.
But now I'm like you guys.
I'm all, "just have fun, kiddo.
"Go ahead and shove dirt
straight down your gullet.
See if I care."
It's nice to meet
other cool parents.
Most adults are so uptight.
Us? Cool?
And how old is she?
Your daughter?
Oh. Tulip's actually,
she's, um...
Our daughter, yes!
And she's five, six, seven...
Six and a half... three-quarters.
6 3/4. Eh.
Yup. Tulip's our own
little hatchling.
And my name is...
Ch-Christopher, with a "v."
And... Tulip's
a musical prodigy.
- Wow.
- Eh.
She plays the horn.
Oh. Which one?
Well, you know, the one that has
a lot of, uh, buttons,
and you can wear it as pants.
And it goes, "wam, bwam."
you know that one?
Impressive.
It's so nice to hang out
with other parents.
- Oh, absolutely.
- So nice.
New friends.
♪ I know I'm set for glory ♪
- Mmm. Uh...
- ♪ Nothing's gonna stop me now ♪
♪ Here's my story ♪
Uh-huh.
♪ And no one's gonna
tell me how ♪
♪ I gotta do it right ♪
♪ I'm gonna
shine bright tonight. ♪
Tuca, you've done
so much to help us.
Now there's just the matter
of humping that team.
No! We can't let her do it.
She'll get hurt.
But she's the one.
She can get us out of here.
She must save herself.
No one will ever free us.
She'll be sucked into the curse.
- What now?
- Ah, we got to tell her.
Fine. Okay. Tuca, there's
a curse on this stadium.
An entire team must get screwed,
and six full orgasms
must be achieved.
And good ones, too.
None of those
weird little numb ones.
If there aren't six players laid
and six female climaxes achieved
before night falls on game day,
anyone who attempts
to break the curse
is trapped
in the stadium forever.
Oh, we've been here for decades.
We sleep on the field.
So, anyone have a new crush?
Nobody has ever successfully
broken the curse.
If you try and fail,
you'll be stuck here with us,
and you'll have
to work at the gift shop.
Well, it's the crappiest job
because you have to sell
collectibles
to the worst kind of nerd...
Jock nerds.
Damn.
I'm not worried.
- None of this worries me.
- Really?
Six orgasms is nothing to me.
I can be super horny.
Just watch.
Ho-ho-ho!
She's even more the one
than she was before.
The one-iest one.
She is ready.
Yeah, Tommy. Good raking
technique. Keep up the pace.
Eyes on the leaves, boys.
I'm seeing clusters,
and I want to see piles.
Good work. Good hustle.
Rake it, honey! Ow.
Ow!
Nice!
This game is so dumb.
So, yeah,
me and Bertie and tulip
all live in, like,
a big house, but it's tasteful.
And we grow all our own salads,
because I can keep plants alive.
And we own a swimming pool
full of candy.
We do.
Yes, we do.
You know, work keeps me
pretty busy,
since I run everything at, uh,
my own restaurant.
Bertie's family restaurant.
Yeah, and I'm
a stay-at-home dad.
The second I looked
into little tulip's eyes,
I knew I was no longer
just a person.
I was now a father.
You love being a father.
Yeah. It just gives my days
so much structure and meaning.
- It's so fulfilling.
- Um, wow.
And I'm a... A mom.
Look at you. You've got it all.
Sure do.
Wow. We're both
in telemarketing.
Now our players are doing
what every raker must do
mid-rake...
Pause to stare
into middle distance
and marvel at the slow
passage of time.
Another summer come and gone.
Soon we will be as the leaves,
our days of splendor
long forgotten.
Watch us tumble, tumble,
Tumble on our irreversible
descent to earth.
And now for our halftime show:
A dead rabbit
slowly decomposing.
There it is, the players' lair.
Halftime is starting.
Go get those hot ciders, Tuca.
All six of 'em.
Thank you for believing in me
and my ability to bounce
from wiener to wiener.
I won't let you down.
Oh. It's you!
Oh-ho-ho. Howdy.
Gosh. You're glowing
like a porch light,
and I feel
like a big old June beetle.
Yeah. Come to Tuca.
Yes, ma'am. I am down to sashay.
Whoa, tulip.
E-easy girl.
Here. Do you want to play
a game on my phone?
Ah...
Clickity-clicks. Lighty-lights.
In-app purchasy-purchases.
Uh, you know, a-actually,
I'm gonna take that back.
Ow! Okay. It didn't
break the skin.
I think it was just
a warning. Huh.
I want phone!
My phone baby!
Give me back my baby!
Hey, kiddo.
Let's just save
some of this energy
for horn rehearsal tonight.
Or, as us horn parents say,
"rehornsal."
Speckle, let her have some fun.
Come on, she'll burn
this energy off eventually.
You push her too hard.
She can have fun doing
something calmer
and less bite-y.
Look at Gavin.
Watch me swim. Whee!
Ah. Now do you see why we need
more boundaries with her?
It's basic parenting.
Oh, no. We killed her!
Ah! She's still alive!
Things are heating up.
Oh, it's on, folks.
It's happening.
Figgy?
Figgy!
Figgy!
Oh, this is not pretty, folks.
It looks like they still haven't
gotten over their last loss.
Hey, maybe we should stop.
No! Pushing... Through... It.
Uh, no offense, ma'am,
but that pelvis sounds like
a broken wood chip per, and, uh,
it's making my pecker
freeze up something fierce.
Let me just think
some horny thoughts.
Sex. Sex with people.
Ooh, sex with objects. Sexy sex.
And you hate to see this, folks.
They're really forcing
an unnatural play here,
and it is not flowing.
I can't do it!
Where is she?
See? I knew this would happen.
She's halfway through
an epic sugar bender.
She's gonna crash
and tank her rehornsal tonight.
She could use a little support
from her father right now.
Oh, easy for you to say.
You're busy working long hours
while I raise our child!
That is so unfair!
Who do you think pays
for all that horn tutoring, huh?
- Whoa!
- Tulip?
Tulip.
Whee! Whoa!
- Wow!
- Damn it!
Look at me, mommy. I can fly.
Wait, why are we
fighting about this?
Tulip's not even really our kid.
Well, what about
when we do have kids?
How is this going to work
if we have totally conflicting
parenting philosophies?
I didn't realize
we were going to have kids.
Well, I don't want to,
but you clearly do.
You said that stuff about how
meaningful fatherhood is to you.
I thought
we were making shit up!
You said you could
keep plants alive!
But what if I'm holding you back
from a happy life
of having children?
You're so good with them.
I just assumed you wanted
some of your own.
- Not at all!
- Nor I, neither!
So we agree!
Same page, all the way!
Tulip.
- Ah...!
- Whoa!
And the Autumn warriors
win the game!
Terry! Terry!
Sweetie. You did it!
Yep. This was your dream,
and it was easy.
I **** It up.
And not in a hot way.
Part of me wanted it so bad,
but I just couldn't.
Aw, yeah. It happens.
Your body can be
in pristine condition,
but if your mind isn't right...
I failed.
My goal was to do
the entire team,
and none of them got done.
Actually, Tuca, listen.
The entire team is getting did.
And it's all because of you.
Tuca, you helped us realize
we've been holding
ourselves back all these years.
We could've been
hotdogging each other
and entire teams all along.
We were locked in the past.
That's how we failed ourselves
and lost our way.
But you were the key
to our slots, Tuca.
Thank you for showing us
how to believe in
ourselves again, Tuca.
The curse is almost...
Okay, whew, that was six.
The curse is broken now!
Oh, wow.
It smells funny in here.
Wow, this is real nice.
I'm enjoying this post game orgy.
Good for you, dude.
Hey, whose butt is that?
Oh... Not a butt.
Just some ice cream.
I'm gonna eat these later.
Oh, sounds good.
More ice cream?
Hi. I'm a butt.
Got to get back to work now.
I guess I'm finally
admitting to myself
that I'm really sad about
breaking up with figgy.
Yeah, but that doesn't mean
you can't ****.
Look down.
You're back in action.
Yeah, but now I got
no one to do it with.
Not no one. Look down again.
And that's
how I think sex works.
Oh.
So... Sorry we lied.
Oh, it's no biggie.
We were lying, too.
We're grifters.
Here you go.
I grifted your wallet.
Wow. What?
Is this even your son?
Oh, yeah. He's top of his class
at grifting school.
Actually, dad, I made that up.
I've just been going
to the arcade this whole time.
It was a grift.
Aw. That's our boy.
Excellent grift, son.
Ooh-wee.
Oh.
Wait, where are you going?
The curse has been lifted.
We know. But we still live here.
This is our home.
It's so dark out there.
I can't sleep without
the stadium lights
beaming down on me.
Plus, this way, we can keep
****ing more teams.
Yeah, baby!
♪ We're raking it up ♪
♪ Raking it up tonight ♪
♪ We're raking it up ♪
♪ Till the feeling's right ♪
♪ Oh, I want you
to rake me there ♪
♪ Rake it all night ♪
♪ It's just not fair ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ Raking it up ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ Raking me down. ♪
Dang it.
I'm never invited to these.